Man Up, Martian Manhunter! Pt. 3: Bishop

As some of you noted during a previous installment of "Friday Night Fights" looking at the prelude to the JLA vs. X-Men rumble in All-Access #4, that battle between Marvel and DC's premeir super-teams was a horribly uneven match-up.

Not only could most JLA line-ups topple most X-Men line-ups without breaking a sweat (and if Jean Grey, Colossus and Rogue aren't on the team at the time, the X-Men are better off not even leaving the mansion), but this was the core of the strongest League (The Big Seven) vs. a particularly pathetic version of the X-Men (Jean Grey, Storm, Cyclops, Iceman, Bishop, Jubilee and friggin' Cannonball).

A lot of really dumb things happened during that fight, things that shouldn't have happened even if the five members of the Justice League with super-speed promised not to use it. You had Jubilee taking out The Flash. You had Iceman's ability to freeze things matching Green Lanterns ability to do anything. And you had Cannonball trading punches with Aquaman for panel upon panel.

But nothing was dumber than the Martian Manhunter vs. Bishop fight.

Now, remember, J'onn's powers are basically Superman's, plus Charles Xavier's, plus Plastic Man's, plus The Vision's, right? Bishop's power is to absorb and redirect energy. And he may also have superstrong wrists able of supporing one giant gun in each hand, and the Atlas-like stamina to support the weight of gigantic shoulderpads—I'd really have to check a Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe to be sure of those last two.

Here then is every panel of their fight, before Bishop wanders off to help Iceman against GL, and J'onn decides to put Cyclops in a full-nelson:












Sigh.

J'onn, I'm not even going to comment on this one. You know better than that. What the hell happened there, man? Did you show up to the crossover drunk or something? Did you just feel sorry for the X-Men and want to give them a fighting chance? Did Jean Grey psychically make you forget your other 13 super-powers before you guys got into it?

I just hope this story is out-of-continuity now. For your sake.


Related:
Pt. 1: Doomsday
Pt. 2: Superboy-Prime

Friday Night Fights: Batman vs. The X-Men

Another Friday night, another round of comic book character fisticuffs in the blogosphere!

Annnnd here comes the card girl...



Tonight's round of Friday Night Fights features the baddest badass in two fictional supehero universes, Batman! His opponent is-wait, scratch that. His opponents are the entire roll call of the most popular superhero team of all-time, The X-Men!

Don't get too excited, though, it's a pretty lame line-up of X-Men that take Batman on. Wolverine's not even there, and the mutants who do show up do so wearing their costume's from the cartoon. (I don't know why the world fears them, but I'm pretty sure it hates them because of their clothes).

It all went down in 1996 DC/Marvel: All Access #3, the penultimate chapter in the miniseries that dared to find the characters with the least chemistry in both companies catalogues and set them up against the least threatening threats imaginable: Superman vs. Venom, with an assist from Spidey! Jubille and Robin vs. Two-Face! Batman vs. The Scorpion! Batman and Dr. Strange...talking!)

Things get theoretically more exciting at the midway point of this issue, when Batman and Access want to take Dr. Strange back to their universe to interrogate him or something, and the X-Men show up because well, Marvel figured that might be more intersting than Batman vs. Wong, I guess.

Let's see how the Dark Knight fares in a battle royale against the Merry Mutants. (As always, just click on the images to better savor the delicious '90s details on the costumes).

BATMAN VERSUS BISHOP:



Yow, right in the goatee!



BATMAN VERSUS CANNONBALL:





...AND STORM AND JEAN GREY, WHILE HE'S AT IT:



(Although I think Jean technically took herself out of the fight, deciding the best use of her time is to berate Sam while he's still in mid-explosion rather than use any of her awesome mental powers against Batman).


BATMAN VERSUS ICEMAN:



Oh, Batman. Taken out by Iceman? Like you've never fought anyone who can freeze the floor before?

Bahlactus will be so disappointed in you.



FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS:


1.) Why does Bishop carry guns? His mutant power, as I understand it from the panel in All Access #4 in which he explains it to Kyle Rayner while fighting him, is to absorb energy and redirect it as laser beams. So, essentially, he is a living laser gun already, right? So, why does he carry two big mutant-from-the-future style guns? (Not trying to be a smart-ass here, I'm actually curious). Isn't that a little like Superman having twin head-mounted flamethrowers?




2.) Has anyone ever been more wrong about anything than Access was in this panel, when he said the ensuing JLA vs. X-Men fight would be interesting? Or do we let him off the hook for saying it should be instead of saying that it would be?