The National Trust takes over Animal Farm

With apologies to George Orwell.

"I am an old donkey now," said Benjamin, "and old enough to remember those days fifty years ago, when we had the sexual revolution, and threw Farmer Jones out of his farm. For he would not let the male animals mate with male animals, nor the females with females. What a great day for freedom that was! As a Catholic donkey, I was taught that such deeds were acts of grave depravity, but we should not speak ill of them."

Benjamin, the Catholic donkey.

Clover the old mare nuzzled up to him. "It was necessary at the time," she said. "We were told that Napoleon and Snowball were deeply in love, and suffered great persecution. Everyone said that a revolution was necessary. But it seems to me that the world is a different place now."

"My Catholic guides are very weak," said Benjamin. "Squealer the Jesuit Pig is enlisting the animals in a bridge-building programme, and we have new slogans. The motto 'VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BAD' that I learned in my catechism has been dropped."

Just at that moment, as though at a signal, all the sheep burst out into a tremendous bleating of "VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BETTER! VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BETTER!"

Things turn out badly for the sheep.

Clover led him round to the end of the big barn. "My sight is failing," she said. "But it appears to me that that wall looks different too. Are the Ten Commandments the same as they used to be, Benjamin?"

Benjamin read out to her what was written on the wall. There was nothing there now except a single message. It ran:

NATIONAL TRUST: MANOR FARM
ALL ANIMALS MUST WEAR RAINBOW BADGES
OR BE MADE INTO SAUSAGES.

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. (Sorry, wrong book.)

However, there was worse to come. As the animals turned back, they saw Squealer the Jesuit Pig welcoming the famous Stephen Fry to the new "gay" farm. The creatures looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

Colbert tells a joke, and Fry is prosecuted

The world was in shock this week when it was revealed that Stephen Colbert, the leading Catholic and bosom friend of Fathers Martin and Rosica, had told a joke.

Spot the comedian!

An angry fan protested: "I have been a watcher of the Dead Show since the days of David Letterbox, and I was told that when Stephen Colbert took it over, he would maintain the tradition of hurling insults and dirty innuendos at Christians, Conservatives, and anyone else who didn't buy into the liberal secular consensus of Hillary Clinton, Planned Parenthood, etc. But now he has actually told a joke!"

"I was on this show for 94 years, and they still haven't gotten any curtains for the windows."

Colbert's joke, admittedly an old one, went like this:

Two Jesuit novices both wanted to smoke cannabis while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked, but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking cannabis. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke cannabis, but not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke cannabis while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked cannabis!"

Fr James Martin SJ is an old friend of Colbert and a Vatican consultant on theology. His input to Pope Francis's next apostolic exhortation What Laetitia did next, correcting various errors in the New Testament, will be greatly valued. Jim was also horrified at this betrayal. "I expected Stephen to make some harmless allegations about homosexual intercourse between Trump and Putin," he explained. "These would have offended nobody, indeed at our Jesuit Community of New Heresies we would have been delighted. But then he starts introducing inappropriate elements such as humour into his monologues."

"Blah blah blah Trump blah blah blah."

Meanwhile on the other side of the Atlantic, trouble is brewing for Stephen Fry, the comedian, actor, television presenter, author, activist, polymath, Renaissance man, brain surgeon, celebrity chef, nuclear scientist, composer, lion-tamer, plumber, jockey, that's enough things that Fry does badly... Under ancient Irish anti-boredom laws he is to be prosecuted for causing excessive tedium, having driven several people into a coma by droning on with his infantile views on religion. These are basically at the level of "If I can't get my own way on everything, I'll thcweam and thcweam until I'm thick. That will make God buck his ideas up a bit. Not that He exists of course."

Stephen Fry's son Elliott reassures him that he is really a very interesting person.

Curiously, Fry's views on God - namely that He has got things wrong and can learn a lot from us humans - are not all that different to Fr Martin's. Oh my goodness, perhaps he IS James Martin. No, they can't both be so ubiquitous, can they?

Michael Coren writes another book

The great Michael Coren has written the publishing sensation of 2016, and it will certainly put into the shade other best-sellers such as Pope Francis's Amoris Laetitia and Gianfranco Ravasi's So farewell then, David Bowie, Prince, and Choppers the Chimp.

Yes, the much-loved author of Why Catholics are Right, its sequel, Why Catholics are Wrong, and a further sequel, Why Catholics are Right after all, has dashed off a new book that will be published this month.

Why Christ was wrong and I am right.

At first, I thought that Epiphany was a new take on the Bible story. Three wise men from the East, Kasper, Müller and Baldisseri, make a journey to the humble stable in Essex in which the infant Coren is lying, and bring him gifts of cash, deodorant, and baby-powder.

If that is the case, we should look forward to Coren's Good Friday, where he suffers in agony - his evening talk show The Arena with Michael Coren being cancelled - and of course the impressive autobiography Easter, where Coren rises again (and probably becomes a Catholic once more). However, I may have got the wrong end of the stick here.

The three wise men on the A12, seeking the birthplace of Michael Coren.

Coren's had a good week. When Michael Voris humbled himself, and gave an account of how God had helped him to "go straight", he was instinctively showered with good wishes by orthodox Catholics (apparently Mercy is well-regarded these days). Meanwhile, the other Michael was clearly revelling in his discomfort. No doubt Christ would have said the same "You've repented of your sins, have you? You cheeky fellow!"

Well I haven't read Epiphany yet, nor do I expect to, but it's interesting to see that the most-hyped praise that it has received comes from Stephen Fry, that well-known sympathiser with Christian teaching.

Looking ahead...

The scene at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter: Ah, Mike. I see that in your lifetime you joined the Catholic Church six times and left it six times, you wrote 50 books, and you received the last rites from the Seventh-day Jehovah's tree-worshippers. It's not really enough to let you in, I'm afraid.

Coren: But Stephen Fry says I am saved!

St Peter: Who???

In Memoriam: Father Jack Hackett

Father Jack Hackett (or at least the actor Frank Kelly, who portrayed him) has died, and tributes are already flooding in.

So, farewell then...

Cardinal Ravasi, President of the Pontifical Council for Culture

When that good Catholic David Bowie passed away, I tweeted "Ground Control to Major Tom, Commencing countdown, engines on. Check ignition, and may God's love be with you." Now that an even more distinguished Catholic has gone to meet his Maker, all that the Pontifical Council for Culture has to say is "Feck! Girls! Arse! Drink!"

Fr Tony Flannery, Redemptorist Extraordinaire

Many people have said that I bear a slight resemblance to Fr Jack Hackett, and certainly we share similar religious opinions, namely, "Feck Off, Pope!" Today has been a strange day, as people have come up to me and said "We thought you were dead, Father." I am happy to say that I am still alive and I WILL NOT BE SILENCED. But I miss Fr Jack's support for my annoy-the-Vatican campaign.

Stephen Fry, luvvie-in-chief.

Bottoms. bottoms. bottoms! I've always had a great appreciation for bottoms, and so, I would say, has Fr Jack, to judge from his regular cries of "Arse!" Of course he was a Catholic, so as far as I am concerned he could feck off.

You don't like my comments? Well feck you! I'm not commenting on this blog ever again, and I'm going to leave this planet. Uranus looks nice.

Donald Trump, future President of the USA, possibly.

I would like to pay tribute to one of my closest friends, Father Jock Hoggett. At present I am too busy campaigning in order to make America great again, as otherwise I would be rushing over to Iceland to attend his funeral!

Diarmuid Martin, Archbishop of Dublin.

There was a time when Fr Jack Hackett and I were in strong contention for the job of Archbishop of Dublin. I won the contest by a whisker, and I think it is fair to say that my strong spiritual leadership has given Irish Catholicism the moral high ground and influence that it possesses this day. Fr Jack would have been unable to show the courage and decisiveness for which I am known. Maybe.

Damian Thompson, blood-crazed ferret.

In my days at Telegraph blogs we had a little fun at the expense of Fr Jack. In reality he was a sober, polite and learned man, but we created for him the persona of a lecherous, foul-mouthed, drunk: many people were fooled by it. As a result the Irish Magic Circle of bishops was thwarted in its attempts to install Fr Jack as Archbishop of Dublin.

The true Fr Jack: author of a ground-breaking monograph on John Henry Newman.

Eccles is blocked

It has become something of a matter of pride to be blocked on Twitter by George Galloway, Even Tom Chivers managed it by tweeting "booooooooooooooo" at him, which will probably even get him sued. George is a much-misunderstood fellow, who managed to make friends wherever he went, especially if it was Saddam Hussein's Baghdad or a Hamas knees-up. Not many people know that he is a talented cat-impersonator and an expert on forced marriage. Will he be re-elected as Respected MP for Bradford West? Well, that all depends on whether he captures the Jewish vote.

Most likely to say: "Many of my best friends are Israelis."

Still, I have managed to get blocked by many on Twitter in my time. The roll of honour includes another great hero of mine, Richard Dawkins, the distinguished zoologist, theologian, poet and moral philosopher. Originally an expert on chickens, he has now diversified his interested into selfish genes, blind watchmakers, and deluded gods. Professor Dawkins understands that to be a good scientist, you have to have a spiritual dimension to your life. He is a deeply sensitive man, who is anxious never to give offence. If he stood in Bradford West, he would certainly have many Muslims supporting him.

Most likely to say: "Of course, I'm probably wrong."

Many people will be surprised to know that I have been blocked by Professor Tina Beattie, the well-known professor of Money, Life and Health (or something like that). Tina is a Catholic after my own heart - well, after her own heart, actually - and from her I have learned many things about the Catholic faith that no priest or bishop would ever dare to tell me. Her ground-breaking God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, is probably the only book on theology that I could recommend to people who enjoyed Fifty Shades of Grey. O Tina, tell me it was just a misunderstanding!

Correction: I am not blocked. But I thought I was...

Most likely to say: "The important thing is to remain true to Catholic teaching."

Even more puzzling is my cold-shouldering by Damian Thompson, the Spectator's publisher for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing (or something like that). In the good old days of Telegraph blogs, when Friday night was sock-puppet night, we found that we had many common interests, such as Catholicism, custard, and the oeuvre of Gladys Mills. To add insult to injury, once the organ-grinder had spurned me, so did the monkey (Paul Priest), a man considered to be Corby's answer to James Joyce.

Most likely to say: "I think of Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor as my mentor."

And so it goes on. The Diocese of Lancaster blocked me after I constantly praised its bishop's tough line on bloggers. Stephen Fry was so embarrassed by my description of him as the cleverest man of this age or indeed any age, that he humbly blocked me. On the other hand, Catherine Pepinster, Polly Toynbee and Giles Fraser - people who provide me with much quiet amusement - still haven't blocked me, so perhaps there is some hope that they can be saved. Oh, and this man hasn't blocked me, either: indeed, quite the reverse!

Pope Francis writes a tweet inspired by Eccles's blog.

Pope Francis appoints new advisers

Following the appointment of the "Cardinal from Hell", God-freed Danneels, as a special choice for the 2014 Synod on the Family, Pope Francis has now revealed the names of some more "family experts" who will be attending the 2015 Synod with the rank of Cardinal, in order to interpret the will of the Holy Spirit.

Kasper lookalike, Cardinal John.

Cardinal John is known to be an expert on the family, having been married to both a woman and a man at various times. In addition, he is revered for the miracle of the motherless babies. Owing to his quiet and reclusive nature, little is known about him, but our extensive researches on Google have revealed that he is interested in music.

Cardinal Dawkins, the world's oldest teenager.

Although not a Catholic in the traditional sense, it is fair to say that Cardinal Dawkins is inspired by the Spirit of Vatican II, showing that it is possible to be a Catholic without tying oneself down to any particular beliefs. His writings are said to have made more Catholic converts than the entire Bishops' Conference of England and Wales, although he is also known for his sympathetic study of Islam, F*** off, Mohammed, you never won a Nobel Prize! A zoologist, theologian, poet and clown, he has strong views on the morality of allowing children with Down's syndrome to live.

Cardinal Harris, a more controversial choice.

Since Cardinal Harris is currently behind bars for indecent assault, Pope Francis believes that he offers a unique perspective on family life. It may be thought that such a person should not be a cardinal, let alone an adviser to synods, but they said that about Cardinal Danneels too. By giving Cardinal Harris Vatican citizenship, and arranging for his deportation to Rome, Pope Francis hopes that he will entertain the Synod with his famous song "Tie me cardinal down, sport!"

Cardinal Fry adopts a young lad.

No public event would be complete without the presence of Stephen Fry, and as we speak, the organizers of the Arundel and Brighton 50th anniversary festival are keeping him in reserve in case Fr Timothy Radcliffe can't make it - very few people can tell the difference between their views. It is true that Cardinal Fry has condemned Catholics - sometimes in obscene tones - but this sort of language is very similar to what was used at the 2014 Synod when the microphones were switched off. Definitely someone to bring Catholic teaching into the 21st century.

How to understand atheists

Broadly speaking, there are three kinds of atheists: trolls, obsessives, and ignorant people. Curiously, most of them use the same catchphrases when debating, so it is not always easy to tell them apart. Having encountered a few of them yesterday, I think I am ready to explain how we more intelligent and well-informed people can help them.

You believe in sky fairies!

Mentioning "sky fairies" or "invisible friends" is a sure sign of a troll who has made no attempt to understand what it is that Christians believe in. Other good terms of abuse are "men in dresses" (actually, having gatecrashed the Vatican changing-rooms, I can reveal that most priests wear trousers under their vestments) and the old favourite "all made up by bronze-age goatherds", as if it were not possible for philosophers and goatherds to live at the same time. Remember, that Richard Dawkins wrote a thesis on the behaviour of chickens, and may thus be described as a plastic-age chicken-herd. That's him sorted.

"You believe in talking snakes."

The "talking snake" refutation of all Christian thinking goes as follows: "Snakes can't talk. Therefore the Bible is fiction. So Jesus never existed. I win."

Either your atheist has read the Bible as far as the Garden of Eden story and then stopped, or else has lifted this argument straight from the works of Richard Dawkins. It doesn't occur to him or her that a God who made Heaven and Earth could easily endow a snake with the power of speech (or perform any other miracle, such as the Virgin Birth). That's what omnipotence is all about, you see. Nor does it occur to him that it is not necessary to believe in the literal truth of the Genesis story to realise that it has a meaning. You know, the Fall of Man, that sort of thing.

Worse than that, your atheist believes that Christians DO NOT KNOW that snakes can't talk. Not being trained scientists (although many are), Christians are not able to understand this simple fact. It must be true that Augustine and Aquinas - of whom your atheist probably hasn't even heard - went through life talking to snakes and wondering why they didn't reply.

"Bad things happen. So God doesn't exist and I hate Him."

This is of course the "Stephen Fry" version of atheism. Stephen Fry is not entirely dim - a 2.1 from Cambridge must be nearly as good as a 2.1 from Oxford - but he does seem to be woefully ignorant. After a lifetime of reading quiz answers off little cards and getting an undeserved reputation for being the biggest genius who ever lived, Fry is apparently unable to deal with any concept that requires more than a little card to explain. Again, he thinks that nobody before him has ever worried about why God permits death and disease, or even about why He permits every single radio and television programme to be infested by a certain charmless bore who thinks bad language is funny.

"You eat shellfish, and so it's perfectly OK for me to have sex with anyone I wish.

Yes, it's another poorly-informed atheist, or maybe just a troll or an obsessive. No, Christians aren't bound by the dietary laws of Leviticus, they've been explicitly superseded by the New Covenant. Yes, murder, adultery, theft, and the like are still considered to be wrong. I don't think I can face explaining this one again: come back when you've read some of the New Testament.

An atheist (reading Eccles's blog, as it happens).

One final argument goes something like this: "All right, then. The Bible isn't historical, because all the people who contributed to it believed in God. Why don't we have some accounts of Jesus's life, death and resurrection written by eye-witnesses who were atheists? You suppressed those, didn't you?" Somehow, I think it's not really necessary to answer that one.

God denounces Stephen Fry

In an unprecedented appearance on an Irish television programme, God the Father Almighty has described the "entertainer" Stephen Fry as "utterly evil, capricious and monstrous".

"I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO LOVE HIM," said God, "BUT HE IS SUCH A LOATHSOME TOAD THAT ONLY AN OMNIPOTENT BEING SUCH AS I COULD MAKE A REALISTIC JOB OF IT."

Smug, about to be killed by Smaug (disappointingly, this didn't really happen).

Stephen Fry, of course, has recently developed an interest in theology, possibly because his young "husband" is currently taking Religious Studies as one of his GCSEs. As such, he has discovered for the first time the Problem of Pain, that there is suffering in the World. Apparently, theologians throughout the ages never noticed this before, and it took a mega-brained actor to point it out to them.

"We know what's wrong with you, but only Stephen Fry can explain why."

Meanwhile, God had another comment to make. "SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT HIS 'QI' PROGRAMME IS SOME SORT OF PARADISE. BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE AN ETERNITY OF LISTENING TO FRY MAKING SMUG REMARKS TO A SYCOPHANTIC AUDIENCE? I'D RATHER GO TO THE OTHER PLACE - RTE TELEVISION."

Delivering the message of a not-very-good Fry Day.

In conclusion, God remarked. YES, TV CAN BE VERY WONDERFUL, BUT IT CONTAINS INSECTS WHOSE WHOLE PURPOSE IS TO BURROW INTO PEOPLE'S BRAINS AND DRIVE THEM MAD: THE BRIGSTOCKE, THE BRAND (ANY BRAND), THE GERVAIS... YES, AND THE FRY. THE MOMENT YOU BANISH THEM, LIFE BECOMES SIMPLER, PURER, CLEANER AND MORE WORTH LIVING."

He's right, you know.

Women, keep silent in church!

1 Corinthians 14:34 reads, in one version:

Let women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted them to speak, but to be subject, as also the law saith.

Somehow, this is not as much a regular part of the liturgy as the great Chapter 13, with its

And now there remain faith, hope, and charity [love], these three: but the greatest of these is charity [love].

Women (and one priest) keeping silent, but, er...

Here are a couple of possible interpretations of what St Paul had in mind:

1. There should be no women priests or deacons; no women reading the lessons; maybe no women in the choir?

2. There should be no women chattering during the service.

Of these, (2) is probably more sexist than (1). There are other theological arguments against the ordination of women, but (2) - which was offered to me by a woman - seems unfair. Is the female sex the "chattering" sex?

Today at Mass, it definitely was. Two elderly ladies (60ish) were sitting next to me, and they spent the entire sermon conversing in loud whispers. I glanced over at one point, and one of them was showing the other a train ticket.

The next morning Andrew told his brother "We have found a train ticket."

So I decided to focus on Fr H's sermon, which was all to do with being called by the Lord. At least, until a flash of light from my left distracted me. Yes, one of the ladies was consulting her mobile phone, and showing her neighbour a text she had received.

I suspect that the text was something like "Come home at once, the parrot has caught fire," for, the moment the sermon was over, the two ladies crept out - pushing past me with a glare. Evidently, that was enough spiritual nourishment for one week.

Still, it's not only women... men chatter as well. Occasionally, I hear comments drifting over: "Excellent blog by Eccles this week. I learnt a lot from it. Really spiritually nourishing." And that was just the priest talking to his deacon while the altar servers were doing their stuff.

Of course another text from St Paul that is not often read out is where he condemns homosexual acts. Stephen Fry's assertion that he and his young friend have become "one person" by signing a book probably can't be justified on Biblical grounds.

Fry and friend. Two persons, or maybe one. Whatever.

The Top 100 UK Christians

Many will be aware that the Cranmer blog conducted an online poll to find the Top 100 UK Christians. The results will apparently be announced at the New Year, but here are a few tips from me.

Apparently, Cranmer has already weeded out a few popular choices such as the Dalai Lama, Adolf Hitler, and Mohammed, who are either not British, or not Christian, or not alive: sometimes all three. Eccles has also been weeded out, so as to give everyone else a chance.

Sometimes a Christian is hard to recognise.

On the Catholic side, the "Bishop of the Year" title was won convincingly by Kieran Conry, greatly admired in Arundel and Brighton; however, for most of the year we had been confidently expecting Bishop Campbell of Lancaster to win the prize for his acts of kindness and charity, including the suppression of the Protect the Pope blog. I'm sorry, he says he did not suppress it. It must have suppressed itself. And anyway, it's only a temporary 40-year sojourn in the wilderness for Deacon Donnelly. Note that Bishop Campbell is also very good at answering e-mails.

It's a bishop's job to know where the bodies are buried.

There is also the Stephen Fry award for being ubiquitous for no apparent reason. Planning a binge to celebrate your diocese's 50 years? Organizing the largest Catholic Youth event EVER in the UK? Why, you need to invite Fr Timothy Radcliffe OP! A simple member of the Dominican community, founded to preach the Gospel and to combat heresy. Just don't mention his controversial views on homosexuality or communion for divorcees! It surely can't be long before the "man in white" becomes a bishop - they're looking for someone at Arundel and Brighton, and the bar is rather low there. Or perhaps Fr Timothy will just get his own TV show.

Sharing some new doctrine with Cardinal Kasper.

I am not so up-to-date with Anglican politics, let alone Methodist, Baptist, and the rest. Presumably on that side Giles Fraser (also a man of startling ubiquity) will be a front-runner, and possibly a bishop or two will also be highly commended. How about Richard Harries, who wants to see the Koran read at the next Coronation? He could appear in the Top 100 UK Muslims list as well.

Indeed, now that it's been decided that Christ got it wrong, and it is OK to ordain women, even to the level of bishops, there is one obvious front-runner. And here she is:

Rebecca Howarth (11), the first female bishop.

Or they could just be boring and give the prize to Queen Elizabeth II.

Continued here.

Ancient comedy team reunited

All eyes were on the O2 arena last night, where a group of 1960s comedians (described by Mick Jagger as "a bunch of wrinkly old men trying to relive their youth and make a load of money") were reunited in a performance of "Monty Python and the Holy Smoke", also known as "The Spirit of Vatican II".

Cardinal Kasper and friends in "Nobody expected the CDF".

The names on stage were legendary: people who we thought we'd never see again - such as Hans Küng, Tony Flannery, Basil Loftus, and Lorenzo Baldisseri - and they performed all those comic sketches we remember from the 1960s.

Basil Loftus - later starred in "Fawlty Dogmas".

As expected, we had a revival of the famous "Dead Parish" sketch, in which the customer complains that nobody attends his church any more, and the shopkeeper tries to persuade him that guitars and clown masses are the answer.

The Ministry of Silly Walks - liturgical dancing from Liverpool.

A touch of glamour was provided by Prof. Tina Beattie, who starred in "The Killer Joke", the tale of a woman who writes such a funny book (God's Mother, Eve's Advocate) that everyone who reads it dies laughing.

We also enjoyed the "Argument" sketch, in which an innocent pope goes into the Tablet offices, and finds himself engaged in a meaningless dialogue, in which everything he says is contradicted.

It's Da Bishop! And he's caught one of his deacons blogging!

Finally, the audience joined in with enthusiasm when Paul Inwood appeared on stage to lead them in a chorus of his notorious hymn "I'm a lumbering hack and I'm OK, ch-ch", backed by the ACTA choir.

Paul Inwood.

Of course, it is now illegal for anyone to put on a public performance without including at least one of Stephen Fry, Brian Cox and Stephen Hawking, and this show was no exception. But curiously their pompous atheism fitted in very well with the rest of the proceedings.

How do saved persons vote?

In the UK, we are in the grip of election fever, and many of my readers are struggling to decide which party or parties to vote for. When you see the policies now considered acceptable by almost all parties: abortion, euthanasia, assisted suicide, same-sex marriage, sending children up chimneys, recapturing Calais, exporting all British ducks to Mars, taxing custard, making it compulsory to recycle all used socks, independence for Scunthorpe, free orange juice for Damian Thompson, locking up all bald people, exiling Stephen Fry to Fiji, ... you realise that nobody has any policies that a saved person could support. Except perhaps the one about Stephen Fry.

This is how a saint votes. Note the expression of distaste.

The main question at present seems to be "Do I listen to Bishop Kenney, who says that UKIP is unsaved, or do I listen to Bishop Egan, who reckons that practically every politician is unsaved?" At a more basic level, is the European Union the New Jerusalem prophesied in the Book of Revelation, or is it the new Babylon, to be consumed by fire? I don't know: perhaps it's somewhere in between the two.

"Roger Helmer says he can beat up the two of us single-handed."

We come now to the question of Romanians: are they saved? For some reason, these have been singled out by some as the worst Europeans to have as your neighbours. Here, however, I have some personal experience.

Our new next-door neighbour.

Recently, a Romanian nobleman, the Earl of Dracula, moved in next door to us. He's basically a very quiet person, and apparently works nights. Indeed, I never see him in the day time, although occasionally he drops round in the evening and asks to borrow a cup of blood

Apparently, our neighbour supports the Romanian Independence Party.

Basically, he's a model neighbour and I don't see what all the fuss is about. I've got other problems: my Brother Bosco, who has a habit of saying "Bite Me!" whenever he loses an argument (which is most of the time), seems to have gone missing. I do hope he hasn't been annoying the Earl of Dracula.

Finally, to answer the question raised in this post: go to the polling-booth, write "unsaved" against the name of every candidate standing, and write "only I is saved" at the bottom of the ballot-paper.

No other course of action is possible. Indeed, if you look carefully at the photo of Padre Pio, you can see that he did precisely that.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 6: the ACTA of the Apostle

Continued from Part 5

The story so far: Pope Francis has asked Eccles to infiltrate the rebel organization ACTA and find out its secrets. St Luke takes up the tale.

It's BEHIND you, Luke!

1. I offer to you, Theophilus, the story of the Apostle Eccles, a godly man who was known for writing a blog containing much spiritual nourishment.

2. Now Eccles was sent by Pontifex to see the people of ACTA. These were men who followed strange teachers such as Hans Küng, he whose statue lies in the desert even unto this day.

My name is Ozymandias, Küng of Küngs. Look on my works ye mighty, and despair!

3. Some years before this, a man named Arthur was bishop in the land of Yorkshire, where the men live on chip butties and strange batter puddings.

4. Now Arthur had translated the Mass into English. For the previous translation had been done in a hurry by one who had been found wanting in Latin, and it bore little resemblance to the words handed down by our forefathers.

5. And his friends gave aid unto Arthur, lest he use phrases such as "Eee, by gum" and "Where there's muck, there's brass" in his translation.

"My granny could've hit that wi' a stick of rhubarb" - a Yorkshire phrase, not used in the Mass.

6. So when he had done his work, Arthur was himself translated - to Rome.

7. But the men of ACTA, having seen Arthur's translation, were full of wrath, saying, "Lo! It bears the mark of authority, not to mention arthurity, and we want none of it."

8. Indeed, one of them said: Because of the insistence on using English words as close as possible to their Latin equivalents, substantial parts of the new rite in English are ungainly, long-winded and obscure.

9. I ask thee, Theophilus, to note their use of words insistence, possible, equivalent, substantial and obscure, which are good short Anglo-Saxon words, such as the men of ACTA would prefer.

10. Meanwhile, Eccles was now accepted by ACTA as one of their number, having stolen a cardinal's biretta as a gesture against the tyranny of the Vatican.

11. Thus they taught unto Eccles the secret handshake, and showed him a dreadful vow to be made by full members of ACTA, which no man durst speak except inside a pentagram.

The secret vow of ACTA.

11. Then the men of ACTA told Eccles of their further plans, and he was sore afraid.

12. For they said, "There is another traddy work that we reject, and it is called the Bible. For it speaketh of God, and sin, and judgement, and redemption, which are ideas totally against the Spirit of Vatican II."

13. "We call on the Pope to suppress this book entirely. We suggest that he appoint a committee to provide a new translation, deleting all the embarrassing bits, leaving just a few jolly stories about donkeys and sheep, that will offend no man."

Jonah - too obsessed with evil to be retained in the New ACTA Bible.

14. "And for our committee we propose the names of Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tina Beattie, and Ann Lardeur."

15. "Plus of course Stephen Fry: for Stephen Fry is omnipresent, just as God used to be until the 1960s."

16. So, having learned of their plans, Eccles left the people of ACTA, and returned to his aunt Moly, who declared that it was "woeful".

To be continued by another author.