Paul the Apostle accused of using offensive words

Corinth, 56 A.D.

Senior Catholic Paul the Apostle (formerly Saul of Tarsus) has stunned the Roman church today by using derogatory language about homosexuals in his Epistle to the Romans. Our apologies to sensitive readers here, but he is reported as using terms such as "burned in their l*sts" and "that which is f*lthy".

Paul - in hot water.

Even the usual Paulsplainers are shocked by this outspoken language, and Tertius of Iconium, the cardinal's amanuensis (surely, Austenus of Iverium?), has had to intervene with a statement saying:

* Paul never said that.

* Well, all right he said that, but Greek isn't his native language and he didn't know that these words were rude.

* Well, all right, he did know, but that's the way they always speak in Tarsus. See his usage of terms such as f*rnication and w*ckedness, which are not normally seen in polite society.

* Can we change the subject now and talk about climate change in Greece? Phew, what a scorcha it's been this summer, eh?

The top Paulsplainer site, Where Paul Is has so far refused to criticise the Holy Apostle, or to back him. It is believed that its manager is suffering a nervous breakdown.

Paul himself has not commented, but he is believed to be working on a new Epistle to the Frociaggians, which will be even more outspoken.

Fr James Martin turned into pillar of salt

We regret that Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, the well-known activist and alleged Jesuit priest, suffered an incident today in which he was turned into a pillar of salt.

A photo taken just before the incident.

Father Martin was going about his normal clerical business, blessing a "gay couple" in accordance with his intepretation of the latest papal document "Fiducia supplicans" (we don't use Latin much these days, but it apparently means "Fiddled the accounts", and was written as an homage to Cardinal Becciu). Eye-witnesses of what happened after that are a little confused, but we do have a photo of the scene shortly afterwards.

Spot the difference!

At this point a witty pun, something like "That's your Lot, Jimmy," would be appropriate, but it would be in bad taste at a time when we are mourning one of the great men of our age. (Actually, Jimbo is said to be still alive, but his activities will henceforth be very limited by his saline nature.)

Cardinal Tobin rewrites the catechism

Uncle Joe Tobin has complained that Catholic teaching on homosexual acts is "unfortunate", specifically CCC2357 with its Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered (together with a lot more on the same theme).

Accordingly, he has produced a more helpful rewriting of the catechism, to take into account the fact that sacred scripture and and traditional teaching need to take a back seat to accommodating people's own desires.

"My lodger helped me write it."

The new passage reads as follows:

2357. Basing itself on the sacred writings of Martin, Cupich, and Tobin, the Catholic Church teaches that homosexual acts are perfectly normal, and no impediment to advancement in the priesthood.

2358. Indeed, it is not good for priests to be alone, and they are encouraged to welcome actors and male models (known as "babies") into their houses.

2359. If a priest is separated from his baby, then the correct way to wish him a blessed and holy night is by tweeting "Nighty-night, baby. I love you." However, this form of address may also be used for the priest's sister, his cousin or his aunt.

2360. Similarly, LGBT pilgrimages are to be encouraged and welcomed. And no more talk of "grave depravity" and "being called to chastity", please!

This is not expected to be controversial.

Bring your "babies" with you!

"Go to a gay orgy!" says Pope Francis

In a surprise change to 2000 years of Church teaching, Pope Francis has declared that homosexuality is great, it's what God really prefers, and all gay people should get down to some serious bridge-building^TM as soon as possible.

Admittedly, the comment was made in a private meeting with a homosexual man, the Chilean Juan Carlos Cruz, who may have made the whole thing up, rather than - as is usual for changes to Catholic doctrine - in an aeroplane speech. But Fr James Martin SJ, himself a notorious bridge-builder, has said that it's all true, so who are we to judge?

The new prophet Juan Carlos.

Apparently, Pope Francis explained that God is really fed up with heterosexuals, as they contribute to climate change by having babies. As Jesus said, "I suffer from little children who come unto me." Instead, the Holy Father encouraged Mr Cruz to take part in some serious gay orgies, suggesting that Cardinal Coccopalmerio might be able to give him more information.

A gay orgy at the Vatican.

Rigid traditional parrot-faced Pharisee Catholics were today somewhat disconcerted by the Pope's latest teaching, which contradicts several books of the Bible, the Catechism, and numerous statements by Doctors of the Church, Popes, and other theologians over the centuries. But of course Pope Francis knows best.

The Pope Francis book of vegetables

Everyone should explore the Pope Francis Lexicon, in which a bunch of oddballs, alt-Catholics, freaks, heretics, Protestants, loonies and "insightful contributors" each write on one-word themes favoured by the Pope. Readers may expect articles on Alzheimer's, Coprophagy, and neo-Pelagianism (all terms favoured by the Holy Father), but instead they will find Curia, Dignity, and Gossip, to pick three at random.

I'm still cracking up over "Insightful contributors".

However there is now a new book out, which promises to be both bodily and spiritually nourishing. It's the Pope Francis book of vegetables, in which insightful contributors write about the vegetables that have influenced the Pope's thought.

We only have space for three excerpts.

ASPARAGUS, by Tina Beattie.

Asparagus to most of us is a phallic symbol, which typifies the misogynistic hegemony of the Vatican. The Mass is an act of homosexual intercourse, and who can eat asparagus without being reminded of this? Although Pope Francis has done a lot to modernize the Catholic Church, his gynophobia will be seen as a blot on his rule. "Tina, can you do the flower arranging next Sunday?" they say to me, when what they should be saying is "Tina, can you celebrate Mass for us, drop the bit about God, and explain to us why the whole point of Catholicism is women's rights?" Asparagus!! I hate it!!

Human nourishing, human flourishing, ... whatever.

BEANS, by Massimo Faggioli.

Although my main diet is "gelato", or ice-cream, eminent professors of theology cannot live by ice-cream alone, and so my incredibly large brain is often fuelled by a plate of beans. Runner beans, broad beans, baked beans, kidney beans... all these help me understand the way that the Catholic Church has been moving, ever since it was founded in 1965. You will observe that the right-wing fundamentalist extremists who disagree with me hardly ever eat platefuls of beans, and it may be this that explains their spiritual blindness. Pope Francis is a man who looks to the future, and realises that the past never happened. The future is beans, not has-beans (an intellectual's little joke there!)

The 57 varieties, replacing the 10 commandments.

POTATOES, by James Martin.

The word "potato" is often used as a homophobic slur against the LGBT movement, because all words are. Still, many modern theologians tell me that Jesus was very fond of potatoes, and that the "bread" of the Last Supper is a mistranslation for "fries". But back to more important things, namely, the need for all of us to embrace homosexuals, especially in church. Pope Francis has appointed me as his special adviser on potatoes, gay issues, and building bridges - and I have been asked to keep an eye open for new interpretations we can put on the Bible - and it will not be long before we have a gay pope!

Three potatoes of the same sex in a loving relationship.

For more in-depth articles, including Cupich on Spinach, Radcliffe on Radishes, and Ivereigh on Turnips, see the book.

The National Trust takes over Animal Farm

With apologies to George Orwell.

"I am an old donkey now," said Benjamin, "and old enough to remember those days fifty years ago, when we had the sexual revolution, and threw Farmer Jones out of his farm. For he would not let the male animals mate with male animals, nor the females with females. What a great day for freedom that was! As a Catholic donkey, I was taught that such deeds were acts of grave depravity, but we should not speak ill of them."

Benjamin, the Catholic donkey.

Clover the old mare nuzzled up to him. "It was necessary at the time," she said. "We were told that Napoleon and Snowball were deeply in love, and suffered great persecution. Everyone said that a revolution was necessary. But it seems to me that the world is a different place now."

"My Catholic guides are very weak," said Benjamin. "Squealer the Jesuit Pig is enlisting the animals in a bridge-building programme, and we have new slogans. The motto 'VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BAD' that I learned in my catechism has been dropped."

Just at that moment, as though at a signal, all the sheep burst out into a tremendous bleating of "VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BETTER! VIRTUE GOOD, SIN BETTER!"

Things turn out badly for the sheep.

Clover led him round to the end of the big barn. "My sight is failing," she said. "But it appears to me that that wall looks different too. Are the Ten Commandments the same as they used to be, Benjamin?"

Benjamin read out to her what was written on the wall. There was nothing there now except a single message. It ran:

NATIONAL TRUST: MANOR FARM
ALL ANIMALS MUST WEAR RAINBOW BADGES
OR BE MADE INTO SAUSAGES.

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. (Sorry, wrong book.)

However, there was worse to come. As the animals turned back, they saw Squealer the Jesuit Pig welcoming the famous Stephen Fry to the new "gay" farm. The creatures looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

A saved poet replies to Carol Ann Duffy

Poor Carol Ann Duffy has made a brave attempt to write the worst poem ever seen - after a dozen lines claiming that all sorts of people are "gay", it ends with the following very silly lines:

The actress is gay,
spot-lit in the smash-hit play;
the butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker,
our children, are gay.
And God is gay.

My pet goldfish is gay.

This shows an understanding of theology that would embarrass an under-9s Bible class, or maybe just an attempt to troll people of faith: CAD forgot, however, to include Mohammed in her litany of honour. If it were not written by the poet laureate - you know, the successor to Wordsworth, Tennyson, Betjeman, etc. - this garbage would not have been published in the Barnsley Chronicle, let alone any national newspapers. Still, we may respond to it in its own terms.

As thick as thieves.

Thieves are thick,
And end up in the nick;
My custard is thick,
and it makes me sick;
Atheists, alternative comedians, and Guardian journalists are thick.

The Fishwrap's Fr Thomas Reese SJ is thick.

Whoever thought Carol Ann Duffy was a good poet 
is thick.
And we really need a stronger word
Like "stupid", "imbecile", "moronic" or "deranged",
but Carol Ann Duffy is thick.

Can I be the next poet laureate please?

Homosexuals and Christians through the ages

Some readers may have noticed that the relations between practising homosexuals and Christians (and, before that, the Jews) have evolved over time.

1712 B.C. Some people in Sodom and Gomorrah ask Lot to make a "gay cake" for them. Not only does he refuse, but the entire cities of the plain are consumed by fire and brimstone. This is regarded as a perfectly normal outcome, with the real problem being that Lot's wife is turned into a pillar of salt. The next day he goes back with his mother-in-law hoping for an encore, but it is not to be.

A wife's lot is not a happy one (happy one).

29 A.D. Christ points out that marriage is intended to be between one man and one woman, presumably realising that this is the "dream team" for producing babies. A few years later, St Paul and other disciples remind people that homosexual acts are really not a good idea, at least for people who want to be saved.

67 A.D. The Emperor Nero marries Sporus, a eunuch. He also has sexual relations with his own mother, and another same-sex marriage (this time in the role of "bride") with Pythagoras - not the expert on hypoteneuses - and he rapes a vestal virgin. Some of these activities are still legal in various parts of the world, although even Enda Kenny is not yet campaigning for all of them. Tell me he isn't...

Enda Kenny gives a fiddle recital.

The Dark Ages. Not much homosexuality around, in fact not much of anything. Also, St Patrick expels the cakes from Ireland.

Medieval times. A typical conversation between monks: "Brother William, I think you have got beautiful legs. May I bake you a cake?" "These are wicked thoughts, my brother. Go and mortify your flesh with a cold bath." Problem solved.

Brother William gets cross with Brother Peter.

The Renaissance and Reformation. The fragmentation of Western Christendom isn't much to do with gay rights. Henry VIII ends up with six wives, all vaguely female. Martin Luther marries Katharina von Bora, although he is arguably the greater Bora. Queen Elizabeth I is too busy persecuting Catholics to find time for marriage.

1600-1950. There is no homosexuality until it is rediscovered by Alan Turing. He is also supposed to have had something to do with computers, codes and mathematics, although this is largely forgotten nowadays.

A Turing machine. Used for surfing the web, cracking German codes, and so much more.

1960s. Sex is not discovered until 1963 when Philip Larkin works out what it is. A homosexual version is legalised around this time - at least between consenting adults in private. Hippies, free love, Vatican II, Basil Loftus, Jimmy Savile, ... these are exciting times.

1990s. Everyone agrees that it would be silly to allow men to marry men, or women to marry women. What a hilarious idea!

Well, that's what it was like.

2010s. Everyone agrees that it would be cruel and wicked discrimination to forbid men to marry men, or women to marry women. The Christian churches mostly stand firm, although oddballs such as Giles Fraser, the Redemptorists in Ireland (overlooked by St Patrick in his snake-expelling days), or even Bishop "Dirty Donal" McKeown of Derry, decide that perhaps Christ didn't really know what He was talking about.

Cardinal Dolan at the St Patrick's Day Gay Pride march.

2015. Some people in Belfast ask Mr Lot to make a "gay cake" for them. When he refuses, they rain fire and brimstone on his shop, reducing it to Asher's. Most saved people go into hiding, but those remaining ask for a referendum on whether Christianity should be legalised. Watch this space...

Cameron consults the comedians

After a memorable pub meeting with Stephen Fry to discuss the burning issue of LBGTOMG rights in Russia, David Cameron has realised that it will be best if all his policies are formulated by comedians from now on.

Don't touch the food - Fry's with everything.

Naturally, "Dave" is in constant touch with many LBGTBLT activists, and he has lost no time in setting up a "war cabinet" to advise him.

"Ern, I'm very worried about Vladimir Putin."

Since the cause of LBGTBBC rights is paramount, it seems that Cameron will be left with no alternative but to declare war on Russia. Luckily, the army is ready to go.

"I assure you, it will all be over by Christmas, Prime Minister."

Meanwhile, the problem of Gibraltar will not go away, and Britain may find itself fighting wars on two fronts simultaneously (that is, excluding Afghanistan, the Vatican, and any other skirmishes we are currently committed to). Luckily, an expert on Spanish affairs is advising the prime minister.

"I will negotiate with Señor Rajoy, Prime Minister."

Finally (and after all, this is primarily a religious blog), Cameron has now explained why he has refused to take any advice from leading religious figures on matters such as same-sex marriage. Apparently, he found it impossible to take Archbishop Nichols seriously, dismissing him as a "mere comedian". Instead, he consulted a highly-respected Irish cleric, but didn't understand the advice he was getting.

"They've mistaken me for Tony Flannery again!"

Following his lengthy exposure to comedians, "Dave" has been trying to relaunch his own double act in the hope of recovering some of his lost popularity; however, it has been generally received with prolonged booing.

Dave cracks a joke, while Nick keeps a straight face.

Mystic Dame predicts.

Here at last are Mystic Dame's predictions for the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

Mystic Dame foretells the future.

Who will take over from Patrick Kelly as Archbishop of Liverpool? Well, my sources tell me that someone to watch here is Bishop Richard Williamson. Now that he has left SSPX, he is surely looking to be reconciled with the Catholic Church, and appointing him to Liverpool would be a magnanimous gesture from Pope Francis. I suppose that this name will be unfamiliar to most readers, but I can exclusively reveal that Cardinal Belgrano is expected to take over from Pope Benedict XVI in July 2013, and this is the papal name he will adopt.

St Francis Drake, founder of the Franciscans.

That just leaves Leeds sede vacante in England, after Arthur Roche was sent off to a job in Rome (which, my sources tell me, recently took over from Avignon as the papal headquarters). Well, here I have kept my ear to the ground, and I can exclusively reveal that Fr Tony Flannery, of County Galway, Ireland, is expected to be rewarded with promotion for his consistent pro-life stance.

Out go Arthur's cinnabons, and in comes Tony's potato cake!

But it's not all diocesan appointments in the Catholic Church. A very senior English Catholic - not Vincent Nichols - admitted to me recently that he had taken steps to drive out the Papal Nuncio, Antonio Mennini. He was naturally reluctant to explain how he proposed to do this, but I have been able to work it out for myself. Look at Mennini's photo, below.

Archbishop Mennini - showing signs of polonium poisoning.

Can it be a coincidence that large quantities of polonium have been delivered by lorry to a bishop's residence somewhere in the south of England? I think not.

So suppose that Mennini quits. Who will take his place? Could it be time to give Hans Küng a say in the running of the Church?

Hans is already trying on the traditional Nuncio's hat.

Finally, I foresee that the Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality is about to evolve. I think the slogan "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BAD" will be changed to "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BETTER" when we're not looking. A trivial modification, you may say, but I feel that if it happens some people will notice!