Paul the Apostle accused of using offensive words

Corinth, 56 A.D.

Senior Catholic Paul the Apostle (formerly Saul of Tarsus) has stunned the Roman church today by using derogatory language about homosexuals in his Epistle to the Romans. Our apologies to sensitive readers here, but he is reported as using terms such as "burned in their l*sts" and "that which is f*lthy".

Paul - in hot water.

Even the usual Paulsplainers are shocked by this outspoken language, and Tertius of Iconium, the cardinal's amanuensis (surely, Austenus of Iverium?), has had to intervene with a statement saying:

* Paul never said that.

* Well, all right he said that, but Greek isn't his native language and he didn't know that these words were rude.

* Well, all right, he did know, but that's the way they always speak in Tarsus. See his usage of terms such as f*rnication and w*ckedness, which are not normally seen in polite society.

* Can we change the subject now and talk about climate change in Greece? Phew, what a scorcha it's been this summer, eh?

The top Paulsplainer site, Where Paul Is has so far refused to criticise the Holy Apostle, or to back him. It is believed that its manager is suffering a nervous breakdown.

Paul himself has not commented, but he is believed to be working on a new Epistle to the Frociaggians, which will be even more outspoken.

A history of popesplaining

Although the word "popesplain" is of very recent origin (it has not yet reached the Oxford English Dictionary), popesplaining as an activity has been around for 2000 years, as it has always been necessary to explain the bizarre actions of the current pope.

It probably started in about A.D. 33, when St Peter thrice denied Christ (an incident involving a cock crowing, should you need reminding). That same night the popular blog What's Peter Up To Now?, through its editor Michaēl Levis, was explaining that denying Christ was a perfectly reasonable thing to do, and anyone who criticised this was a heretic. Also, he'd be writing to their bishop. Peter's support of the disgraced artist Judas Rupnikus was also justified on the WPUTN blog.

Six hundred years later Pope Honorius I got into trouble, being accused of monotheletism (also of keeping a collection of Pachamama statues and kneeling before them). His biographer Austen Iverius rushed to his defence, and, pausing only to call all his critics "neurotics", dashed off a seventeenth biography of the pope, entitled "Honorius, the Great Reformer", which explained how Catholic teaching had evolved.

Later, Pope John XII was accused of gross depravity and worldiness, also of attempting to bless same-sex relationships. However, his good friend Giacomo Martino SJ, author of "Come out of the closet" (which he claimed were the exact words of Jesus), was there to add his support, although he was rather disappointed that the pope did not agree with his support for "trans" people.

Pope Alexander VI, one of the Bergorgia family, was also backed by many popesplainers, such as Christoferus Agnus and Maximus Leguminus, whose coverage of his iniquities was selective, to put it mildly.

So, let us be thankful that the current pope is not only infallible but also impeccable, and we no longer have any need of popesplainers!

Mike, will this do? If you think it's OK, you can post it on your blog. Eccles.

Burkegate - What Pope Francis really said

A special article by Austen "Spindoctor" Ivereigh for the Where Pachamama is blog.

The Pope is an astonishly patient man, and will sink his enemies even if it takes him ten years to do it. Seeing all the bad publicity he was getting for his merciful and patient attacks on Cardinal Burke, he summoned me to Rome as a matter of urgency so that I could explain to the world what he was up to. Did I mention that I am an expert on papal matters?

I flew to Rome from Bristol airport, stopping on the way at the Multifaith Bus Shelter for a spot of Pachamama devotion, also in order to pin up a mural by my favourite artist Marko Rupnik. The place was deserted apart from an Incan sacrifice taking place at the same time.

A sacred place!

Patient merciful Pope Francis the Humble was not in good health - a sprained wrist through slapping too many Chinese girls - but he explained to me that he loved Cardinal Burke - after all, we are commanded to love our enemies, and Burke was one of his worst enemies. With their Dubia, Burke and his fellow-conspirators had asked Pope Francis to explain some aspects of Amoris Laetitia several years ago, knowing perfectly well that clear and unambiguous teaching is against the rules of the Jesuit order.

Burke had also dared to criticise the Synod on Synodal Synodality of Synodhood, arguably the most important Catholic event since Pentecost, saying that it was a complete waste of time. Having myself attended as an expert, I know that getting barmy old ladies sitting round tables and moaning is the true future of the Church!

We must all be Synod!

At this point in our discussion, Francis found his patience tried beyond all limits, and he humbly kicked Rupnik, the Vatican cat, through the window. "Don't worry," he said. "Pick up the body and give it to Mike Lewis. He'll eat anything."

Instead of living in a broom cupboard, as the humble Holy Father does, Cardinal Burke has a much larger apartment, and this is now required by other cardinals who wish to hold "get-togethers" there. I know that Cardinal Coccopalmerio has already put in a bid.

Who is this shadowy figure?

Of course Burke is still a member of two dicasteries, and of the Apostolic Signatura, but as Pope Francis explained, he should regard these positions as honours, and not expect to be paid.

So what message am I to take away from my meeting with the Humble Father? First, although in our conversation he described Burke as his enemy, he has now sent me a note saying "I never used the word 'enemy' nor the pronoun 'my'." Obviously we all misheard - it's easily done. Also he certainly never said "We hates him we hates him, nasty Burkies, we hates him, my precious, and we is going to throw him out on the streets!"

I hope I have made it clear, and let me repeat this: Pope Francis is patient, kind and merciful, and Cardinal Burke is a meanie. Strickland has fallen! Burke has fallen! Who will be next? Aha!

Great stuff, Austen. And the cat pie was delicious! Mike.

Mike Lewis!

Rochie-the-Pooh

With apologies to A.A. Milne.

Rochie-the-Pooh, a bear of very little brain, lived in the Hundred Acre Wood under the name of Arthur.

Living under the name of Arthur.

One day he was feeling very hungry, and he said to himself "I think I'll go and see my little friend Austen Pigleteigh. Maybe he will have some cake for me." As he walked along the path, Pooh hummed to himself.

Now, please make no mistake, 
A cardinal likes cake!
You think that I should diet?
Only an indietrist would try it!

"But what if little Piglet doesn't have any cake?" asked Pooh. "Should I go and see my friend the wise owl MASSIWOL instead? No, he has taken up theology now, and he won't listen to me if I hint that it's time for a little something. Or rather, a big something would be better..."

Massiwol reveals the true meaning of Vatican II to a fascinated Rochie-the-Pooh.

"Perhaps I should have gone to see Christo Ber Goglin," said Pooh. " "He's not very busy today, just doing an audience. Of course I could telephone him first and ask him if he has any cake - he won't mind being interrupted. No, it had better be Piglet."

In the most depressing part of the forest, the WherePachaIs bog, lived Mike Eeyore, the donkey. Pooh's journey took him past the wreck that Eeyore called home. "Hullo, Eeyore!" he said. "What a lovely morning for eating cake!"

"Is it a lovely morning?" replied Eeyore gloomily. "Nobody told me. Even Christo Ber Goglin, who is knows everything, hasn't told me what I should think about the weather today. It's so depressing."

Putting pressure on the Pope

When you run a very popular blog that is read by nearly four people, as I do and as Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is does, you have to be careful what you write as you never know who will see it.

See the problem?

Every morning Pope Francis dips into Where Pacha Is to see what brilliant thing he should be doing that day. Maybe an aeroplane trip in order to announce some shiny new doctrine on same-sex climate change? Perhaps he expects another visit from Austen Ivereigh, who will be doing his Judy Garland impersonation, singing "We're off to see the Synod, the Wonderful Synod of Sin"? Or IS THERE A BISHOP HE SHOULD SACK?

Well, of course there are quite a few bishops who should be sacked, or, more precisely, put in a sack and dropped at the bottom of the ocean, but this a blog of love and kindness and we won't mention them by name. Until next time.

The pressure begins to tell on Pope Francis.

Usually, the Pope has no problems reading Where Pacha Is. Its main message is "Pope Francis is right on everything, even when he's wrong, and if he says something that contradicts previous popes, saints, etc. then they must have been wrong. Or, more precisely, since the Magisterium is constantly changing, they were right at the time, but definitely wrong now. He's also amazingly handsome and charming." But sometimes, WPI tries to predict how the Magisterium will develop, and Pope Francis cannot keep up.

Fortunately, a man of great influence and sensitivity like the Where Pacha Is supremo knows where to draw the line. Well done!

Pope Francis also takes advice on how to cook sausages.

A guest post from ChatGPT

There's not much point in our blogging any more, is there? From what follows, it seems that artificial intelligence has won. We got ChatGPT to tell us about Uncle Arthur....

"I'm soooo... sad to hear about the unhappiness of the TLM worshippers."

Could you write a piece in the style of ecclesandbosco.blogspot.com praising Cardinal Roche in a sarcastic way?

Certainly, here is my attempt:

Oh, how lucky we are to have Cardinal Roche in our midst! His presence brings a ray of sunshine to our cloudy and dreary world. His impeccable taste and style are second to none. It's no wonder that he has been dubbed the "Prada Cardinal" by those in the know.

His liturgical expertise is truly awe-inspiring. Who else could come up with such brilliant ideas as the "Table Mass," where the priest faces the people and the altar is replaced with a simple table? It's so much more intimate and modern than the old-fashioned way of doing things.

And let's not forget his groundbreaking work in the area of translations. He's made it his mission to make sure that the language of the liturgy is accessible to everyone, even if it means sacrificing accuracy and theological clarity. Who needs those things anyway when you have inclusive language and catchy slogans?

Some might criticize Cardinal Roche for his apparent disregard for tradition and his willingness to pander to the whims of the modern world. But we know better. We understand that he is simply ahead of his time, a visionary who is pushing the Church into the 21st century whether we like it or not.

So let us raise a glass to Cardinal Roche, the Prada-wearing, table-loving, slogan-spouting liturgical genius. May his influence continue to shape the Church for generations to come!

Soon it will be able to post photos as well.

I guess that ChatGPT has already been contributing to Where Pacha Is...

---

Still human intervention can add something. I asked ChatGPT to mention cake as well...

Of course, Cardinal Roche's love of cake is also well known. Some might question the wisdom of indulging in such sweet treats, but we know that he does it for the sake of the Church. After all, what better way to build community than by sharing a slice of cake with your fellow parishioners?

---

I promise I'll stop soon, but...

Please write me a short hymn containing the lines "Oh, we are saved" and "Everyone is good".

Oh, we are saved, by grace divine,
Redeemed from darkness, we now shine,
Our hearts ablaze with love and light,
Guided by faith, through darkest night.

Everyone is good, in God's pure sight,
Beneath the surface, we're all alike,
No one is perfect, but all can be,
Saved by His grace, forever free.

So let us sing with voices strong,
Praising His name, all day long,
For we are saved, and everyone is good,
By His mercy, we've been understood.

"I'll have to look to my laurels!" says Marty Haugen.

AI takes over the Catholic blogosphere

Paying people to write spiritually nourishing content is so old-fashioned. I produce my stuff without being paid, and even the Jesuit America Magazine only pays peanuts - which is quite appropriate as its writers are an army of monkeys with typewriters.

We have stumbled across an AI program that will do the tedious writing bit for us. Its address is https://narrative-device.herokuapp.com/createstory in case you want to play with it. You give it a couple of themes, and it does the rest. Thus: "Pope Francis" and "Pachamama" gave me this:

Pope Francis was in a good mood as he walked into the Amazon rainforest. He had just finished a speech to the crowd of indigeneous people who lived there. "Pachamama," he called out to the goddess of the earth, "thank you for the generous gift of this land. I vow to protect it and to always be grateful for your blessings."

That could be taken straight from Where Peter Is and nobody could tell the difference, especially if it went on to explain how Pope Francis was totally right.

As an homage to Damian Thompson, let's give it "Arthur Roche" and "ice-skating".

Arthur Roche was an accomplished ice-skater. He had won many awards and was a member of the best ice skaters in the country. One day, he decided to try out for the national team. He was nervous but hopeful. He skated his best, and even though he didn't make the team, he was proud of himself.

This looks like something from the old Telegraph blogs, or possible the Catholic Herald. Next, what can we say about "Dr Faggioli" and "beans"?

Dr. Faggioli was an odd man. He loved beans. He loved beans so much, in fact, that he would eat them every day, no matter what. Some people found his obsession strange, but Dr. Faggioli couldn't help it. He loved beans.

"Father James Martin" and "bridge" are the heroes of our next piece, which is simply a news item.

Father James Martin, a Jesuit priest, was on a bridge over a river when he saw a man who appeared to be drowning. He jumped into the water and pulled the man to safety.

It may even be true - who knows? Next, a horror story combining "Austen Ivereigh" and "pope".

In an age when the papacy was rocked by scandals and just as the Church was losing its grip on the hearts and minds of its followers, a new pope was elected. His name was Austen Ivereigh, and many people were excited to see what he would do to restore the Church's reputation.

Pope Francis dreams of his successor.

And we'll give "Pope Francis" and "Latin Mass" the final word. Somehow, I think our correspondent has got his wires crossed:

Pope Francis has called for the return of the Latin Mass, the traditional Catholic Mass which is celebrated in Latin. Many Catholics are excited about this change, believing that the Latin Mass will help them connect more with the Church's history.

Well? You heard it here first.

Is Pope Francis a Trad?

A Happy Epiphany to you all from me and Pope Francis. Most of the Catholic Church, and many Protestants, agree that January 6th is the correct date. But what is this?

A vicious attack on Pope Francis.

Mr Potato Head (as some people insist on calling him - not my invention) of the Where Pacha Is website was doing so well in his worship of Pope Francis, and this is really a turn-up for the books. Apparently, the American Devout Catholic Church preferred to cut short the twelve days of Christmas and celebrate the arrival of the three kings while they were still at the Royal Dead Sea Hotel, four days from Bethlehem.

This is modernism of which Pope Francis would approve, but of course he has not yet got round to moving all the important religious dates to Sunday (he is still wondering whether Good Friday should be conflated with Palm Sunday or Easter Sunday). So the Holy Father is clearly a Trad!

Not being sure what to do, I sent Cardinal Dolan only four ladies dancing, not nine.

Pope Francis's most recent doctrinal proclamation was an attack on crazy cat women, pointing out that by and large children are better than kittens, at least if they don't grow up liking the Traditional Mass. For one thing, they don't often bring dead mice and birds into the home.

Unfortunately, this may not be in total accord with the teachings of Mr PH.

Advice on child care?

Wise words indeed, but I am not sure what it means in the context of spoiled children. Mr PH is right of course in that the Catholic Church is now 50 years old - we have the Old Testament of 1965 to 2013, and the New Testament of 2013 to 2020 and beyond - but this is the first time I have seen the Novus Ordo compared to a plate of boiled cabbage.

"Arthur Roche was so shocked that his false teeth fell out. Come and get them, Arthur!"

Arthur Roche for Pope!

As seen on the "Where's Peter?" blog.

Pope Francis has done a wonderful job in his eight years as Vice-God - he's never put a foot wrong. Even the death of Fra' Matthew Festing this week has only reminded us of one of Francis's early achievements, the conquering of the Sovereign Order of Malta, a diplomatic triumph similar to Vladimir Putin's annexation of parts of Ukraine.

But all good things must come to an end, and, although it is probable that Francis, as a superhuman being, is actually immortal (unlike Festing, ha ha), we should have a pope-in-waiting in case he leaves us, possibly by direct Assumption into Heaven.

Uncle Arthur gets our vote!

Alas, the St Gallen Mafia - which gave us our wonderful Argentinian pope - is in disarray, with some members dead, others senile, and others in hiding from the police. Who will take their place? Well, we have it on the highest authority that Blase Cupich will be starting up a St Valentine Mafia (named after the Chicago Mafia's most famous massacre), and is gathering together a group of like-minded people, each too ludicrous to be himself a serious contender for the papacy. "Dancing" Tagle, "Uncle Wilt" Gregory, and "Nighty-Night" Tobin are all expected to participate, with "Real Estate" Becciu as treasurer, and Austen Ivereigh as secretary, dogsbody, and maker of tea.

Already one name is springing out of the woodwork - Arthur Wensleydale Boycott Roche, the bluff former ice-skater* from Yorkshire. The man who told us that the traditional Mass was abrogated, even though several popes had said it wasn't. A man who will GET HIS OWN WAY.

* According to Damian Thompson.

Eventually Uncle Arthur realised that he should retire from ice-skating.

Uncle Arthur will be a worthy person to run the Vatican. It is true that after the magnificence of Hinsley Hall, the stately pleasure-dome he occupied when bishop of Leeds, he may find the place a little cramped. But he is prepared to make such sacrifices.

But so far the great man is not even a cardinal. What is Pope Francis playing at? Aren't you sick of the old buffer sometimes? CURSES, WHAT AM I SAYING?

Pope Arthur will not wear the traditional zucchetto.

Traditionalist Gaslighting

A special guest posting from Mike Lewis and Stephen Ferry, which originally appeared on the ultramontanist website Where Pacha is.

In his wonderful motu proprio Trads Cussed, Francis, the greatest pope who ever lived, points out that all those who celebrate the traditional mass are extremists, fascists, and altogether not good Catholics like he is, along with his friends, Blase Cupich, James Martin SJ and Joe Biden. HE IS RIGHT.

Mike Lewis (nobody has heard of Stephen Ferry: he may be a sockpuppet).

Lots of extremists have contested the Very Holy Father's claims. We mention Raymond Burke, who, to the great disappointment of Pope Francis, seems to be recovering from the deadly virus Vatic-2. Burke wrote a piece in which he said "Well, actually, TLM worshippers are not schismatics at all." Regular readers of Where Pacha is (both of them) will remember that Burke was one of the four Dubia cardinals who nearly caused the greatest schism in the Church's history by asking Pope Francis to clarify something he said!

As papal biographer Austen Ivereigh Tower, author of "Pope Francis - the great redeemer", "Go away Austen, I'm trying to sleep" and the new best-seller based on Archpope Francis's teachings, "Forget the past - they're all dead people", puts it, "For many bishops the call to wake up and think about Catholicism was the last straw!"

"If anyone calle me schismatic again, I'll go and found my own Church!"

There are lots of very evil people out there. Dr Joseph Shaw, chairman of the Latin Mass Society of England and Wales, and contributor to such scurrilous publications as Extremist weekly and Schismatic News, may be an intellectual giant, but is obviously not in the same league as our friend Austen Ivermectin - how many hagiographies of St Pope Francis has Shaw written? This devotee of the Extremist Form Mass has publicly denied the divinity of Pachamama (even though she's a LATIN American goddess). He also endorsed those dreadful Dubia cardinals who insisted on trying to square Supreme Pope Francis's teachings with those of dead people such as Pope Benedict XVI (oh, isn't he?), St Paul and St Peter. We discard him utterly.

Pachapapa Francis has pinpointed the centre of all evil - the Extremist World Television Network EWTN. It was founded by extremist Mother Angelica; her friend Raymond Arroyo plays an influential role with his extremist programme The World Over Live, which devotes all its time to reporting on the tantrums of Pope Francis the Humble. Last week they even invited the blood-crazed ferret, Damian Thompson of the fascist Spectator magazine to say rude things about Francis, the Fourth Person of the Trinity.

Enough said!

I think I've made my point. The opponents of Trads Cussed are possessed, diabolical, schismatic, extremist (have I used that word already?) and possessed by diabolically schismatic extremism! No wonder Pope Francis hates their guts finds it difficult to accommodate them. Does Vatican II mean nothing to them? Did she die in vain?

Pope Francis has said that EWTN is the work of the Devil. Pope Francis is always right. We can also reveal that the Devil is an extremist. Need we say more? Yes, this is just the first in a 94-part series...

Monty Python's Life of Jorge

The surviving members of the Monty Python team have gathered together with some friends to produce a new comedy film, Monty Python's Life of Jorge, about a perfectly innocent Argentinian man who is frequently mistaken for the anti-Christ.

Chapman/Jones lookalikes play Jorge (seen here in papal clothes) and his mother.

Script-writer John Zmirak has adapted some of the Life of Brian catchphrases to the hilarious story of a man with some followers who think he is the Messiah (see for example the "Where Pachamama is" website), but also many others who think he is the exactly the opposite (hi, Mundabor!)

Top quality trolling from a Pachamama fan.

Some of our favourite Life of Jorge catchphrases are:

He's not the anti-Messiah, he's just a very naughty pope.

What have the Roman popes done for us, apart from 
preserving traditional worship and teaching, and giving 
leadership to the worldwide Church? 

It's every Jesuit's right to have babies if he wants them.
But ... you can't HAVE babies, Jim!
Don't you oppress me!

And of course...

Always look on the gloomy side of life.