Pope Francis wins a medal

As he comes to the end of his term as president, Joe Biden has decided to give Presidential medals of Freedom to all his best friends: Bono, Hillary Clinton, George Soros, ten people who tried to shoot or at least lock up Donald Trump, Darth Vader, the Emperor Dalek, The Joker, Riddler and Penguin, etc. etc. and last but not least Pope Francis.

The citation for Pope Francis mentioned his humility, his mercy, his synodality, his tolerance of Catholics of all flavours - from the most rigid TLM-aficiando all the way down to those who thought the whole thing was a bit of a joke and really supported Planned Parenthood.

It is believed that Biden will soon be honouring other prominent Catholics, such as Uncle Ted McCarrick and Fr Marko Rupnik.

"We're going to need a longer ribbon, Mr Soros."

Now that Joe and Francis are best mates, the Holy Father has decided to respond by canonizing the president Santo Subito, even though such honours are usually reserved for dead people - not just brain-dead people - and would not normally be conferred this quickly unless the holy person had produced a good website (so Leo XIII, Thomas à Kempis, Pius XII and G.K. Chesterton will have to wait a few hundred years more).

"Here's your halo. We're making you the patron saint of ice cream."

How to resign as head of your church

Mostly on this blog we content ourselves with giving advice on "How to be a good pope" - and you can see the results! However, the Catholic Church can learn something from the Anglicans (apart from useful advice on how to take over other people's church property, how to mess around with the Bible, and how to ordain lesbians). So let's see what we can learn from the dignified resignation of Justin Welby, sometimes called the Archbishop of Canterbury.

"I confess that one of us has sinned. Not me, of course."

It could not happen in the Catholic Church, but suppose you, as head of your church/ ecclesial community/ cult/ coven were revealed to have have protected people guilty of sex crimes. One day the outcry will be too great, and you won't have popesplainers imamsplainers primatesplainers to protect you. So you stand up and make a speech.

Here are some useful tips on how to do this. They can also be useful if you go into the confessional.

* Tell weak jokes. This is always a good move. "I say, I say, I say, Father. I've just killed my parents. Go gently with me, as I am an orphan."

Pause for laughter. Not a sausage. Oh well, carry on.

* Don't take any blame. "I regret, Father, than some grievous sins have been committed by members of the church to which I belong." Don't add "It was me, in fact."

* Another tasteless joke. "They say that heads must roll. Let me tell you a joke about the archbishop whose head was used as a football. You'll laugh, I know you will!"

* Finally, make yourself out to be a martyr. "It was inevitable that someone should suffer for these sins, and it had to be me. Now all I have left is a fat pension and a book deal for my memoirs."

The bishopess of London cannot stop giggling.

Answering your Catholic questions

In these turbulent times, leadership of the Catholic Church is not all it should be, and so many people come to this blog for spiritual guidance. Let's go!

Q. Who is Luce? What is Luce? Why is Luce?

A. The year 2025 sees a Jubilee of the Catholic Church. Now, we had a very exciting Jubilee of Mercy in 2015-16, with the wonderful logo of a 2-headed 3-eyed cyclops on skis designed by Top Catholic Artist Marko Rupnik. This one will be different, and Luce, designed in the well-known Anime Christi style has been chosen to represent the true essence of the faith.

Of course this is not the first time a woman has had top billing in the Catholic Church. For many years the Blessed Virgin Mary was an object of veneration and adoration, but she has now fallen out of favour with the Vatican, perhaps for being too "traditional".

St Joan of Arc - also rejected for being too rigid.

Anyway, if you are a faithful Catholic, you probably already own a crucifix, some rosary beads, quite possibly a scapular. BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE A LUCE YOU AIN'T SAVED! Got that?

Q. What is a synod on synodality?

A. Well, nobody really knows. Some say it is like a meeting on meetingality, or a workshop on workshopality. Perhaps it is more like a congress on congressality, or - like Vatican II - a council on councilality.

Of course, instead of putting a lot of moaning minnies in a room for several weeks, the whole business could have been settled more cheaply another way (see below):

Pope Francis summons his experts for a Zoom on Zoomality.

Muddled Jorge gets provisional Vatican approval

The Vatican on Thursday issued a statement acknowledging that some spiritual fruits had come from the regular apparitions of Muddled Jorge, also known as Pope Francis.

A statue that could be anyone but is probably supposed to represent the Pope.

Although these apparitions have come under a lot of criticism, since some of the messages uttered are said to be in direct contradiction to Catholic teaching, the Vatican still felt able to issue a "Nihil Obstat" (or "See No Evil") to the cult of Muddled Jorge.

"The positive assessment that some of the messages of Muddled Jorge are edifying does not imply a declaration that they have a direct supernatural origin" said the note from the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith. Indeed, compared with some of the documents for which Dicastery Prefect Víctor Manuel Fernández is directly responsible, such as Fiducia supplicans (signed off by Pope Francis when he thought someone was simply asking for his autograph), many of the papal teachings have been completely orthodox.

This book is still waiting for a Nihil Obstat.

Thus, as a result of the Vatican's statement, pilgrimages to Rome will be allowed to continue, but no reponsibility will be borne for any teachings passed on to visitors.

All roads lead to God

In Singapore, Pope Francis has explained to some children that all religions are paths to reach God. As a public service, we present some parts of his address that you may have missed:

'Atheism is another way to find God - in the same way as walking east round the world is a way to get to the west. Just because we are Catholics, it doesn't mean we can't be atheists too! Indeed, many of my best friends are atheists - it's the believers I can't stand.

Flat-earthism is a valid faith too, but be careful with that east/west metaphor!

Another religion that will lead you to god is the worship of Rupnik - that brilliant painter whose life and works are a model to us all. Sit down in a room with a Rupnik picture, and after an hour or two you will be ready for Heaven - or at least you'll wish to die.

Zaphod Beeblebrox, by Rupnik.

Then who can forget the true faith of Pachamama, the Earth Mother goddess? Austen Ivereigh adores her - I have known him to sit in a room with a Pachamama idol and, after an hour or two, to scream very loudly. Is he not imitating the cry of the Mother Earth Goddess? Truly, little Austen is on the path to God!

One path to God - the scenic route.

So, different faiths are like different languages, different dialects. After all, isn't saying "Allahu Akbar" or "Slay the Infidels" just as worthy as "Glory be to the Father" and MUCH better than "Gloria Patri"? Or, for that matter, Cardinal Rochelieu's favourite prayer, "More Tiramisu, Please", is also a way to find God - or at least, a delicious dessert!'

And yes, Prince Philip worship is genuine.

Vatican welcomes Olympics opening ceremony

Last week's Olympics opening ceremony has been greeted warmly by Vatican staff and their friends. For any readers who were on another planet at the time, the highlight was a re-enactment of the Last Supper, in which a charming young lady called Miss Piggy (memo: check name) played the part of Jesus.

A spiritually nourishing scene.

Said Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis - the new Messiah?", top synodalist, and part-time kenotic decenterer, "Just as Pachamama was a representation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, we see the Olympic scene as a faithful representation of the Last Supper, produced by devout Catholics. My only criticism is that there were no Rupnik murals decorating it."

Archbishop Vincenzo Paglia, president of the Pontifical Academy for Lust, said, "Well of course I have to say I'm condemning it, but after all, everyone, absolutely everyone, wants to sit at the table where Jesus gives his life for all and teaches love." Make of that what you will.

Other highlights of the Olympic opening ceremony included a mocking of the martyrdom of Marie Antoinette who - do we have to keep saying this? - NEVER said "Let them eat cake" (or even "brioches"). For reasons that some of us have never understood, the French like celebrating The Reign of Terror (and they even sing a disgusting song about filling ditches with blood).

Saint Denis is not amused either.

And what of "Pontifex" Francis himself? Well, his Twitter message was "The authentic Olympic and Paralympic spirit is an antidote against the tragedy of war and a way to put an end to violence. May sport build bridges, break down barriers, and foster peaceful relations." As Joe Biden puts it, "And they call ME clueless?"

Which brings us to Fr James Martin, who is of course the leading Catholic bridge-builder, and also a sports fan. "Why is there no Ignatian Yoga event at the Olympics?" he moaned. "We Jesuits could really clean up here."

And now the punch line...

Finally, Paris produced a worthy opening ceremony, as the Sacré-Coeur Basilica remained illuminated, while the neighbouring buildings were plunged into darkness. Sometimes, God shows His sense of humour.

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LATE NEWS

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According to this lookalike, the opening ceremony was intended to be synodal.

Quick World Cup of Latin Mass Letter Writers

As is probably well known to most readers, 48 fairly famous people, mostly from the world of writing, music and politics, signed a letter to the Times, making an appeal to the Pope to stop stamping on the Traditional Latin Mass and its adherents (I paraphrase here). This was similar to the "Agatha Christie" letter addressed to Pope Paul VI in 1971, which was largely succesful in its results.

But what should we call this letter, or rather, after whom? The 48 noble signatories are listed below, and I intend to conduct a quick world cup - I want to get it done in 2 weeks, so the rules will be slightly different - to choose one of the names.

Some are very well known, some rather obscure, but I think they all have Wikipedia entries, if you need any help working out who they are. I don't expect this Quick World Cup to be as popular as some others - for example the new World Cup of Bad Hymns, due to run in August - but I will bear this sorrow courageously.

The 48 runners are:

Robert Agostinelli
Lord Alton of Liverpool
Lord Bailey of Paddington
Lord Bamford
Lord Berkeley of Knighton
Sophie Bevan
Ian Bostridge
Nina Campbell
Meghan Cassidy
Sir Nicholas Coleridge
Dame Imogen Cooper
Lord Fellowes of West Stafford
Sir Rocco Forte
Lady Antonia Fraser
Martin Fuller
Lady Getty
John Gilhooly
Dame Jane Glover
Michael Gove
Susan Hampshire
Lord Hesketh
Tom Holland
Sir Stephen Hough
Tristram Hunt
Steven Isserlis
Bianca Jagger
Igor Levit
Lord Lloyd-Webber
Julian Lloyd Webber
Dame Felicity Lott
Sir James MacMillan
Princess Michael of Kent
Baroness Monckton of Dallington Forest
Lord Moore of Etchingham
Fraser Nelson
Alex Polizzi
Mishka Rushdie Momen
Sir Andras Schiff
Lord Skidelsky
Lord Smith of Finsbury
Sir Paul Smith
Rory Stewart
Lord Stirrup
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa
Dame Mitsuko Uchida
Ryan Wigglesworth
A N Wilson
Adam Zamoyski

And this was the letter (you can click to enlarge).

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QUALIFIERS FOR THE SUPER SIX, AS THEY COME IN.

FINAL RESULTS LISTED AFTER THE PHOTOS.

Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

Sir James MacMillan

Princess Michael of Kent

Lord Alton of Liverpool

Tom Holland

Lady Antonia Fraser

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Group 1:
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa 28.2
Princess Michael of Kent 42.7
Tom Holland 29.1

Group 2:
Sir James MacMillan 60.8
Lord Alton of Liverpool 21.6
Lady Antonia Fraser 17.5

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FINAL

Princess Michael of Kent 45.5 v Sir James MacMillan 54.5

So congratulations to the new Agatha Christie, Sir James MacMillan!

The Book of Numbskulls 2 - after the fall of Bosis

After some delay, continued from Chapter 1.

1. Following the fall of Bosis, it was decided that the children of Bri-tain would be led by his servant Trusshua.

But Liz telleth Liz that she will not be around for long.

2. Thus Trusshua went to see the Queen of Elisheba to receive the holy seals of office.

3. And such was the joy of Elisheba that she died three days later, to be succeeded by her eldest son, the King Charlemagne III.

The Lady of the Lake giveth the sword to Charlemagne.

4. So for ten days there was no government, as the country went into mourning, and the critics said: "All goeth very well at present. Can we not mourn for a few more years?"

5. But it was not to be, and Trusshua was obliged to govern. Thus she asked her chancellor, the Quartengmaster, to produce a mini-budgie, which would greatly increase the wealth of the people of Bri-tain.

6. However, the mini-budgie refused to fly, and the people were exceedingly wrathful.

7. Indeed, they stayed wrathful for another eighteen months, as we shall see.

This budgie is not more. It hath ceased to be.

8. Thus it was decided that Trusshua must go. But she spake out boldly, saying "I am a fighter not a quitter."

9. And then she resigned on the next day.

10. So this time the Conservatites decided that voting on a new leader was not a good idea.

11. Besides, if they chose anyone except Rishi the Sunakite, he would destroy the lucky one with plagues of cake and budgies.

12. Thus Rishi went to see King Charlemagne, to tell him that he was the people's choice.

13. And thus he was ready to meet other world leaders too.

Bless you! I'm the people's choice too!

To be continued.

A letter about the Latin Mass

The scene: Pope Francis is relaxing in a deck chair, idly thinking up new punishments that he can inflict upon Cardinal Burke. In rushes (well, waddles) Arthur Roche.

Someone is about to receive a bad shock.

Roche: Holy Father! There's a letter here you must see! We're doomed.

Francis: Oh no! Has Rupnik finally told everyone where the bodies are buried? Quick: book us onto the next plane to China!

Roche: No, nothing like that.

Francis: Sarah, Burke and Zen again? We can ignore them.

Roche: In fact it's a letter to the London Times about the Latin Mass.

Francis: Oh, a few Catholics moaning again? Joseph Shaw? Surely not Vincent Nichols? I thought you'd got him under your thumb? Or is Damian Thompson baring his teeth again?

Roche: No, it's worse than that. It's CELEBRITIES!

Francis (looks at letter): Oh, I've heard of some of these. Susan Hampshire! Stephen Hough! Bianca Jagger! I invited them to the last synod, but they were too busy.

Susan Hampshire discusses the TLM with her spiritual director.

Francis (contd.): Well, if it's CELEBRITIES and not ordinary Catholics, then we have to take action. Oh, but hang on...

Roche: What?

Francis: No Stephen Fry. No Richard Dawkins. No Carol Vorderman. It can't possibly be a genuine letter if they haven't signed it. Phew! It's OK, Arthur, you can carry on with your extermination plans...

No Agatha Christie this time, but Lady Antonia Fraser has some advice for Arthur Roche.

Pope Francis decides to reform all masses

Pope Francis the Peacemaker has finally found a compromise between all the different factions in the Catholic Church (including those who find spiritual nourishment from Traditional Latin Masses, Novus Ordo masses, LGBTF masses, Clown Masses, etc. etc.).

A few minor changes are expected.

"There was only one possible solution," said the Holy Father. "We can't have people offering different types of masses, while still believing them to be valid. Therefore we must find an alternative!"

Of course there is only one possible alternative - synods! "On Sundays and Holy Days we expect faithful Catholics to go into their churches, sit round tables, and attempt to bore the pants off their neighbours!" explained Cardinal Roche of the Dicastery for Divine Worship. "Coffee and cake - lots of cake - will be provided, as that is definitely a form of worship!"

Preparing for the Synomasses

Cardinal Víctor Manuel Fernández of the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith agrees. "Of course, kissing will be allowed, as that is also a form of worship. We shall extend the ever-popular 'kiss of peace' to thirty minutes and make it more touchy-feely."

The new services - to be called Synomasses - will of course be conducted in "Vernacular", so that everyone can understand them, even if they go to Norway, Mozambique or Samoa. "Those Vernaculans knew a thing or two - they invented a language that everyone could speak!" explained the learned Professor Massimo Faggioli.

Preparing for the Synomasses!

Of course, not everyone is immediately satisfied: "Can we guarantee that every church will have a Rupnik mural?" asked Dr Austen Ivereigh. "Will Pachamama still be revered?" asked Mike Lewis. "Will rainbow flags be flown?" asked Fr James Martin LGBTFSJ. Fear not, Pope Francis the Peacemaker has promised that all of these will be a COMPULSORY part of Synomasses!

The Synod of Comics and the Synod of Despots

As a by-product of the Synod on Synodal Synodality, Pope Francis is enjoying synods so much that he decided to hold two more.

Getting ready for some kenotic decentering.

First, the Synod of Comics. A bit of a mixed bunch here - Fr James Martin LGBTSJ made the cut, but Austen Ivereigh didn't. Then Stephen Colbert, was there, chosen for being Catholic but not too Catholic, and certainly not too funny.

Colbert likes to needle people.

Also Whoopi Goldberg is about as anti-Catholic as they come. But she will be walking with the rest (or perhaps waddling), all the while looking for a new way of being Church. Oh, that's enough, let's move on to the synod of despots.

"Could you jump-start my brain, please? The battery's flat."

All the great world leaders - by which we mean acolytes of Soros, Schwab and Gates etc. - will be attending the synod of despots. Well not all - you would expect to see despots such as Arthur Roche and Victor Fernández attending, but Uncle Arthur dropped out when he was told there would be no cake, while Tucho was told he would not be allowed to kiss anyone, not even Ursula von der Leyen.

"How nice to meet someone who's even more unpopular than I am!"

Of course, Pope Francis will be at both synods. His own Amoris Laetitia is packed with jokes as funny as anything Colbert ever said, while his despotic skills have never been questioned.

Well, that will take people's attention away from Rupnik, won't it?

A history of popesplaining

Although the word "popesplain" is of very recent origin (it has not yet reached the Oxford English Dictionary), popesplaining as an activity has been around for 2000 years, as it has always been necessary to explain the bizarre actions of the current pope.

It probably started in about A.D. 33, when St Peter thrice denied Christ (an incident involving a cock crowing, should you need reminding). That same night the popular blog What's Peter Up To Now?, through its editor Michaēl Levis, was explaining that denying Christ was a perfectly reasonable thing to do, and anyone who criticised this was a heretic. Also, he'd be writing to their bishop. Peter's support of the disgraced artist Judas Rupnikus was also justified on the WPUTN blog.

Six hundred years later Pope Honorius I got into trouble, being accused of monotheletism (also of keeping a collection of Pachamama statues and kneeling before them). His biographer Austen Iverius rushed to his defence, and, pausing only to call all his critics "neurotics", dashed off a seventeenth biography of the pope, entitled "Honorius, the Great Reformer", which explained how Catholic teaching had evolved.

Later, Pope John XII was accused of gross depravity and worldiness, also of attempting to bless same-sex relationships. However, his good friend Giacomo Martino SJ, author of "Come out of the closet" (which he claimed were the exact words of Jesus), was there to add his support, although he was rather disappointed that the pope did not agree with his support for "trans" people.

Pope Alexander VI, one of the Bergorgia family, was also backed by many popesplainers, such as Christoferus Agnus and Maximus Leguminus, whose coverage of his iniquities was selective, to put it mildly.

So, let us be thankful that the current pope is not only infallible but also impeccable, and we no longer have any need of popesplainers!

Mike, will this do? If you think it's OK, you can post it on your blog. Eccles.

The God Bless Eccles Bible

Donald Trump has sent out the message, Happy Holy Week! Let's Make America Pray Again. As we lead into Good Friday and Easter, I encourage you to get a copy of the God Bless The USA Bible.

The author (no, not really).

I supposed at firat that this would be a Bible written by Mr Trump, in which case it would have the following features:

All in capitals. 
Silly made-up names for people he doesn't like
   (I would never do that, would I?) 
All the disciples wearing red hats.
God referred to as "Donald".
"Make Heaven Great Again" the main message of the Gospels.

But, I admit that I was wrong. It is simply a King James Bible with a few add-ons.

After all, the new Pope Francis Bible includes extra books - the books of Laudato Si', Amoris Laetitia, Traditionis Custodes, and Fiducia Supplicans - and I can't imagine anyone objecting to that!

"Not only did he sack me, but he gave me a copy of his book."

What Donald actually adds are things such as the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Declaration of Independence. Mere Britons may wonder why the US Constitution is so sacred that it keeps getting amended, but again I refer to Pope Francis's treatment of the Gospel...

Uncle Joe is working on a God Bless Biden Bible, with innovations like the Ten Commandments being deleted, and the inclusion of extra documents, such as advertisements for Planned Parenthood and Graeter's chocolate chip ice-cream.

Recommended to all DEVOUT Catholics!

So finally, we come to the God Bless Eccles Bible. Only $50, so it should outsell the God Bless The USA Bible (which costs $60). With the popular advertising slogans Make Eccles Rich Again and Become Saved By Reading This Book! this is a Douai–Rheims Bible with some of my most popular blog posts (more than 3 readers!) added as bonus chapters to be read out at Mass. These include

Why the Pope is right about everything;
How to preach a royal wedding sermon; 
The toxic tradition of the Latin Mass;
The World Cup of Bad Hymns; and
Is Pope Francis a Trad?

So I'll stop there, as I have to do a few Bible-signing sessions today - Westminster Cathedral, Waterstones, etc.

Pope Francis's autobiography - the 3rd and last phase

In this final instalment of Pope Francis's autobiography Life: My Story Through History, subtitled Why I was right and all other popes were wrong, which is published today, the Holy Father explain his most brilliant decisions of the last few years.

Part 1 is here and Part 2 is here.

Traditionis Custodes.

My evil predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, died in December 2022. I was very pleased to comfort him in his last few months by phoning him up three times a day to tell him that I was repealing his own Summorum Pontificum and banning the traditional Latin Mass.

My main ally, with one of his great interests, cakes.

It was not going to be easy. At the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments there was one of my arch-enemies, Cardinal Sarah. A man who not only read books without pictures in them, but even wrote them. Yes, an intellectual, and a backwardist who kept quoting the Bible!

Luckily his deputy was quite the opposite, and had never been accused of being an intellectual. An overweight power-mad bully, he reminded me of someone: who could it have been? Well, never mind. So out went Sarah and in came the Yorkshireman Arthur Roche. Uncle Arthur was delighted to have this opportunity to serve me. Provided that he was made a cardinal, he would do anything I wished: "Make the TLM compulsory? Hold all masses in the Yorkshire dialect? (I must admit that the idea of the Italians and Polish reciting 'Ee ba goom, tha Lord be with thee, luv!' was rather appealing.) Just tell me what you want and I'll do it!"

So we agreed to ban the TLM, and to lean on bishops to make sure it happened. It would take a while to remove these masses entirely, so we made it hard to find them. Advertising them in the parish newsletter was OUT. Even mentioning them was now a SIN. The bishops knew that promotion was now conditional on persecuting traditionalists. AND WE ARE WINNING!

Austen Ivereigh.

I first encountered Austen in the Vatican gardens.

Dr Austen Ivereigh has been one of most loyal allies. Because he keeps dogs, he is entitled to call himself an expert on Canine Canon Law, and as is well known, he has written many biographies of me. In the first he portrayed me as a wise and holy man, in the second he upgraded me to saint, and in the third he saw me as the fourth person of the Trinity.

Recently we have been holding a synod on synodality, and Austen has been a lively and vocal participant. I gave him a little badge marked EXPERT, and he is very proud of it. Of course I haven't broken it to him that whatever the synod decides is irrelevant since I will make the final decisions. Did I ever mention that I am infallible? Sometimes it embarrasses me, being so infallible!

The synod logo. Silly, but not by Rupnik. Sorry, Marko!

Fiducia Supplicans.

You will remember that the main message of Amoris Laetitia was "Hey, adultery's cool!" Now, more recently, I thought I would try out "Hey, same-sex marriage is cool!" To do this I needed the cooperation of someone at the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith. Ladaria was no good, he might actually have had some moral scruples, but I knew just the chap to replace him.

Yes, we had come full circle. I chose my old mate Víctor Manuel Fernández, known as Tucho. Since the days of our friendship in Argentina, he had made a career out of working as a male kissogram and also by writing dirty books. Just what we needed.

So - and here my Jesuit training came in handy - we decided to make it permissible to bless same-sex couples, provided that we didn't call them that. They could be described as an alliance, brace, coalition, confederation, deuce, doublet, duo, dyad, item, pair, partnership, twain, twosome or union, but NEVER a couple.

Unfortunately, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ gave the game away!

If you want any more, you'll have to buy the book. It should soon be available from second-hand bookshops for about 50p. Eccles.