Fr James Martin turned into pillar of salt

We regret that Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, the well-known activist and alleged Jesuit priest, suffered an incident today in which he was turned into a pillar of salt.

A photo taken just before the incident.

Father Martin was going about his normal clerical business, blessing a "gay couple" in accordance with his intepretation of the latest papal document "Fiducia supplicans" (we don't use Latin much these days, but it apparently means "Fiddled the accounts", and was written as an homage to Cardinal Becciu). Eye-witnesses of what happened after that are a little confused, but we do have a photo of the scene shortly afterwards.

Spot the difference!

At this point a witty pun, something like "That's your Lot, Jimmy," would be appropriate, but it would be in bad taste at a time when we are mourning one of the great men of our age. (Actually, Jimbo is said to be still alive, but his activities will henceforth be very limited by his saline nature.)

God apologises for causing hurt and pain to the LBGT community

Following endless protests, the Lord God Almighty has apologised to the LBGT community for His "insensitive" behaviour to them over the years.

An insensitive act of destruction.

Facing protestors, He explained, "With hindsight, some people may think that raining down fire from Heaven on Sodom and Gomorrah was a somewhat tactless way of treating the LBGT community. I particularly wish to apologise to Mr Lot for turning his wife into a pillar of salt, when all she was doing was 'rubber-necking'. Still, she made a great conversation piece."

He continued: "Nowadays, I realise that my role as Judge Eternal, Throned in Splendour could be regarded as controversial. I can reassure the American Episcopalians that I shall attempt to regard them in a more tolerant and sympathetic light from now on, and there will be no punishment for them in this world. Why, I'll even drop some 'gay manna' from Heaven, if they insist."

Gay manna.

God the Son was equally contrite. "When I said that marriage could only take place between a man and a woman, I made this comment in haste, without consulting Giles Fraser first. Although it is a self-evident truth, and I do still believe it, I feel that I may have been a little insensitive to mention it."

The Holy Spirit joined in the apologies: "Inspiring Christian writers such as St Paul and St Jude to make homophobic comments was perhaps a little tactless. Good chaps, but they did get carried away sometimes. Still, compared with the Muslims, they were really rather tolerant!"

Archbishop Welby welcomed the Trinitarian apology, and recommended to the Anglican Communion that they continue worshipping God, "at least for the time being".

Homosexuals and Christians through the ages

Some readers may have noticed that the relations between practising homosexuals and Christians (and, before that, the Jews) have evolved over time.

1712 B.C. Some people in Sodom and Gomorrah ask Lot to make a "gay cake" for them. Not only does he refuse, but the entire cities of the plain are consumed by fire and brimstone. This is regarded as a perfectly normal outcome, with the real problem being that Lot's wife is turned into a pillar of salt. The next day he goes back with his mother-in-law hoping for an encore, but it is not to be.

A wife's lot is not a happy one (happy one).

29 A.D. Christ points out that marriage is intended to be between one man and one woman, presumably realising that this is the "dream team" for producing babies. A few years later, St Paul and other disciples remind people that homosexual acts are really not a good idea, at least for people who want to be saved.

67 A.D. The Emperor Nero marries Sporus, a eunuch. He also has sexual relations with his own mother, and another same-sex marriage (this time in the role of "bride") with Pythagoras - not the expert on hypoteneuses - and he rapes a vestal virgin. Some of these activities are still legal in various parts of the world, although even Enda Kenny is not yet campaigning for all of them. Tell me he isn't...

Enda Kenny gives a fiddle recital.

The Dark Ages. Not much homosexuality around, in fact not much of anything. Also, St Patrick expels the cakes from Ireland.

Medieval times. A typical conversation between monks: "Brother William, I think you have got beautiful legs. May I bake you a cake?" "These are wicked thoughts, my brother. Go and mortify your flesh with a cold bath." Problem solved.

Brother William gets cross with Brother Peter.

The Renaissance and Reformation. The fragmentation of Western Christendom isn't much to do with gay rights. Henry VIII ends up with six wives, all vaguely female. Martin Luther marries Katharina von Bora, although he is arguably the greater Bora. Queen Elizabeth I is too busy persecuting Catholics to find time for marriage.

1600-1950. There is no homosexuality until it is rediscovered by Alan Turing. He is also supposed to have had something to do with computers, codes and mathematics, although this is largely forgotten nowadays.

A Turing machine. Used for surfing the web, cracking German codes, and so much more.

1960s. Sex is not discovered until 1963 when Philip Larkin works out what it is. A homosexual version is legalised around this time - at least between consenting adults in private. Hippies, free love, Vatican II, Basil Loftus, Jimmy Savile, ... these are exciting times.

1990s. Everyone agrees that it would be silly to allow men to marry men, or women to marry women. What a hilarious idea!

Well, that's what it was like.

2010s. Everyone agrees that it would be cruel and wicked discrimination to forbid men to marry men, or women to marry women. The Christian churches mostly stand firm, although oddballs such as Giles Fraser, the Redemptorists in Ireland (overlooked by St Patrick in his snake-expelling days), or even Bishop "Dirty Donal" McKeown of Derry, decide that perhaps Christ didn't really know what He was talking about.

Cardinal Dolan at the St Patrick's Day Gay Pride march.

2015. Some people in Belfast ask Mr Lot to make a "gay cake" for them. When he refuses, they rain fire and brimstone on his shop, reducing it to Asher's. Most saved people go into hiding, but those remaining ask for a referendum on whether Christianity should be legalised. Watch this space...

Same-sex marriage preparation

Dave and Nick on their wedding day.

Hello, I'm Father Pat, and you must be Dave and Nick, eh? I'm so glad that you could drop round for some pre-marriage instruction. Since it became the law that churches must marry any couple requesting it (human rights, wasn't it?) we've been welcoming all sorts of people. You're very much in love, aren't you?

Dave: Yes, it was love at first sight. We began with a simple coalition, but now we want to go the whole way.

Pat: And what do your families think?

Nick: Well, mine are mostly supportive. Dave's family is more traditionally-minded, though. There's Auntie Maggie for one. I don't think she'll be leaving us much in her will!

Uncle Norman won't be coming to the wedding.

Pat: Now, the church has put together a marriage service for you, as we had no real choice, once the police had shot Cardinal O'Brien and Lord Carey. There are some really fine Biblical readings here.

Dave: Yes, I'm a little unhappy about Genesis 19, describing the fall of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Pat: Oh, all weddings have this now, so you're not being discriminated against.

Mrs Lot, an unfortunate wedding guest.

Nick: Also, the reading from Matthew 19. Do we have to have the bit where Christ says that marriage is between a man and a woman?

Pat: I'm afraid so. Also Romans 1, where St Paul gives us a pep talk on morality. Now tell me, are you planning to have children?

Dave: Oh I do hope so. I came from a large family myself. I had nine brothers, and what tearaways we were, eh? Especially Boris.

Ten very naughty children.

Nick: Yes, they drank too much and then did a lot of damage - trashing schools, hospitals, universities, railways, banks,... But in the end, Dave always knew that he'd pay for it.

Pat: Well, that's water under the bridge now. Let me show you a photo from a wedding I conducted last week.

You may now kiss the bride.

Dave: I think I can handle that part. Of course the bit we're really nervous about is the honeymoon afterwards.

The honeymoon.

Pat: So romantic.

Nick: We see ourselves as a modern Romeo and Julian.

Dave: Or Tristan and Isidore.

Nick: Or Napoleon and Joseph.

Booming Voice: PATRICIA! AREN'T YOU FINISHED YET?

Pat: Blimey, it's the missus. O.K. we'd better end now.