The Balham police go church-raiding

Scene 1: Balham Police Station. Inspector Thugg is directing his officers.

Thugg: Well done, team. You really put those Polish Catholics in their place. Holding a service of religion on Good Friday! If they wanted to meet, why couldn't they have just torn down a few statues or looted some shops, like normal people? Then we'd have left them alone.

Bad vestments.

Sergeant Bludgeon: What next, Guv? (Editor's note: all sergeants call their bosses "Guv" as a result of watching too many television serials.)

Thugg: Go out into the world and spread the Good News, Bludgeon! Go and find another church to trash.

Constable Bonehead: We passed something called Grand Mosque on the way back. Will that do?

Thugg: I guess so. Didn't Pope Francis say that Muslims were just like Christians, only richer? You won't meet any trouble. Off you go!

Bonehead: Any chance of some food before we go?

Thugg: Pick up a bacon sandwich from the canteen. You can eat it when you get to the mosque.

Liturgical dancing.

Scene 2: At the Mosque. Inside, Imam Hamza is explaining some juicy bits of the Koran.

Bonehead: Oi, Sarge, there's a pile of shoes here. Should we take off our size 14s as well?

Bludgeon: No, Doris, we'll need them if there's any trouble. Remember, go for the vicar first.

Imam Hamza: And now, my brothers, let us offer each other the sign of war.

Bludgeon: ALLAH, ALLAH, ALLAH! WOT'S ALL THIS THEN?

Hamza: Infidel! Heretic!

Bonehead: Fancy some of my bacon sandwich, Vicar?

Bludgeon: Not now, Constable. Imam Mohammed Ali Floatslikeabutterfly Hamza, alias Fred Nargs, you are charged that on the evening of April 2nd, alias Good Friday, you did do something or other and we'll decide what it was when we get back to the station.

Hamza: Boys, you know what to do!

Two altar-servers with scimitars drive the police out into the street.

Hamza: Thank you, lads. And now our next hymn, Shine, Mohammed, Shine!

How should women dress in church?

It's the perennial debate - should women dress how they like in church, or should they dress in a restrained way, in order to avoid stimulating the lusts of lecherous men? Should men avert their eyes, or is that impossible?

Men: if embarrassed by improperly-dressed women, blindfold yourself!

Let's look at a few case studies, and see what the answer is.

RIGHT! These costumes show dignity, modesty, and above all practicality. If you're in the habit of shaking a leg in church during Mass, then we can recommend nothing better.

WRONG! A lot of men are stimulated by the sight of women in uniform, and so seeing nuns in full regalia is often more than the soul can bear. Why can't these ladies dress like those wonderful "nuns on the bus", who, by clothing and teaching, are totally unrecognisable as nuns?

RIGHT! When I first saw the references to "yoga pants" I kept asking myself "Who is Yoga and why is he panting?" wondering whether this was something to do with Star Wars. However, these appear to be the sort of garment worn by ladies practising yoga. Now, Ignatian yoga is recommended by Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, and what else can you wear for this except Ignatian yoga pants?

WRONG! Mantillas merely stress the femininity of the wearer, as men would not be seen dead in them. Until we develop a new unisex mantilla that can be worn by men and women alike, we must not allow women to emphasise their fleecy assets! Also, they are RIGID.

RIGHT! I got this from someone called @LizziesaAnswers, a recent convert, who with only a year's experience of Catholicism is already able to answer questions on any subject under the sun, including those that have baffled Augustine, Aquinas and Pope Francis! So she obviously knows how to dress.

The World Cup of Liturgical Abuses

Inspired by an offering from Patrick Coffin, I want to run a World Cup of Liturgical Abuses (either by the priest or the people). To make it interesting I only want people to vote for abuses that they have actually experienced (e.g. most of us have led sheltered lives, and missed out on clown masses), although it will be a lucky reader who has not come across any of the ones in my list.

So far we have the following contestants, but nominations of others are invited in the next week, either via the comments below or replying to @bruveccles on Twitter.

Ready?

Liturgical dancing

Female altar-servers

Communion in the hand

Clowns

Puppets

Sign of peace

"Let's not!"

Holding hands in the Our Father

Orans position for the Our Father

Standing for the consecration

Bad hymns (Schutte, Haugen etc.)

Introducing ourselves to our neighbours

Idols

Clapping

Reading out Vatican II documents

Changing words in the liturgy

Guitars

Balloons

Of course, you may actually like some/all of these, but that is not my problem.

The voting on Twitter will begin on Monday 25th May, once next week's exciting Laudato Si' celebrations (to be the subject of a future post?) have died down and everyone has sobered up again.

Incidentally, I think I have seen eight of the above. Can anyone beat that?

Lockdown Diary, Day 7313

March 31st 2040.

Well, here we are after 20 years of lockdown caused by the Coronavirus, which keeps mutating every so often into something even nastier. The present incarnation is called COVID-39.

The latest form of the Coronavirus.

We are still allowed out to go shopping, and for exercise, but the churches have now been closed for 20 years. It is hard to remember what it was like in the old days, when we went along to St Daryl the Apostate and received Communion on the tongue (to the great annoyance of one or two pearl-clutchers who didn't actually believe in the Real Presence), or, if we wanted, did the Sign of Peace and sang hymns such as Cumberland ("Someone's eating sausages, Lord, Cum-ber-land..."). I may have got the words wrong after all this time.

Nowadays the churches remain closed, and all Masses are live-streamed. Pope Francis II (alias "Chito" Tagle) takes a very relaxed view of these, and priests no longer have to wear vestments. Many of them stay at home and stream the Masses from their bedrooms, without even bothering to choose the liturgically-correct colour for their pyjamas.

Father Brown dresses down for his livestream Mass.

Of course "Chito" takes seriously some aspects of worship, especially liturgical dancing (getting down wiv da yoof, as the 82-year-old teenager puts it) and the faithful are encouraged to skip around their houses during Mass. "Chito" claims to have arthritis and sciatica, so that kneeling is out of the question, but he can still dance the Funky Cardinal.

Late news: a new strain, the Coren virus, is infecting our brothers in the Anglican Church (having flipped between the Anglican Church, the Catholic Church, the Seventh-Day-Adventists, the Baptists, and the Pachamama Church several times during the last 20 years). It is particularly unpleasant.

The Coren virus.

Even later news: Eccles is still waiting for an answer to his "Dubia" - why was he excommunicated from Twitter?

Do women have the right to bare arms?

This week's big question arises from a tweet from Fr Kevin Cusick, namely,

Ladies, a priest I know was forced on Sunday to ask a woman at Mass to cover her shoulders. Please help the priest to protect the purity of the men at holy Mass by choosing to dress modestly. The alternative is awkward for all involved. Thank you.

Not welcome at Mass.

This caused a mighty backlash on Twitter, and the good Fr KC felt obliged to drop out, rather than simply replying "You is not saved only I is saved," to his critics, which would be guaranteed to stun them into silence (it always works for me). We asked our experts to comment:

Sister Judy Piranha of the "Nuns on the Train": Coo-eee, Kevin!!?? Come along to our convent, and you'll see far more than naked shoulders!!?? Doesn't your constitution give women the right to bare arms??!! As a retired major-general, you should know all about that!!?? Anyway, Little Judy is just DYING to meet you, and give you a good time!!?? Byeeeee!!??

Bare shoulders are only part of the problem.

Fr James Martin, LGBTSJ: I hope you're all having a good Pride Month, following on from Gay History Month, Catholic Lesbian Month, Transitioning Deacon Month, Priests who like Gay Sex in a Vat of Olive Oil Month, etc. etc.! There's something for everyone in our church, and nobody I know will be excited by a woman's bare arms - except for most of the other women! Anyway, must dash, the Jesuits have got a male stripper coming to Mass this evening!

Fr Jack Hackett, Craggy Island: GIRLS!!!!

Bishop Libby, a part-time onion-seller.

Bishop Libby: We Anglicans brought women's rights kicking and screaming into the 1960s, and burning our bras was only the first step. And the Catholics copied us - there isn't a single cardinal who wears a bra! Not even Tobin. Well, they couldn't get one in his size... Now, girls, remember to dress decently and tastefully, as I do!

Fr Kevin Cusick (mostly saved): You see what I have to put up with?

Seven reasons to prefer the Novus Ordo

As a contribution to the debate started by Fr Longenecker's Twelve Things I Like about the Novus Ordo Mass and One Peter Five's Twelve Reasons Not to Prefer the Novus Ordo, let us look at seven aspects in which the Novus Ordo beats the Extraordinary Form hollow.

An opportunity to chat.

It's very dull coming in to an EF Mass just before the start. You will normally find the church in total silence, with people praying, meditating, who knows what? Come to a jolly NO service, and we have none of that! A steady buzz of conversation - gossip, rumours, quarrels, chat about what people did last week, the shops, ... this is how it would have been like in Biblical times, when Jesus could hardly get a word in edgeways because of chatter about the price of fish, the latest rumours about Judas Iscariot's beach house, and the discomfort of the seats at the Last Supper.

Waiting for the priest to arrive.

The vernacular.

Go to an EF Mass and it's all in Latin, and even if you go a hundred times you will never be able to understand a single word of it. But go to Scotland, to France, to Poland, to Samoa, and you will find that everyone speaks Vernacular, as Vatican II told them to! Don't worry, you'll soon learn the Hungarian for "Lead us not into temptation", or "Let us not fall into temptation", or "Oooh, don't tempt me!" or whatever the Pope would like us to say this week.

No kneeling.

Well, there is some kneeling, but you can usually avoid it. After all, the Pope does. All postures are welcome. In France they stand up and block your view at the Elevation of the Host. In the Vatican they sprawl on cushions sniffing cocaine - well, some of them do. You can stand, sit, kneel, hop around on one leg, wave your hands in the air... drawing attention to yourself as a particularly holy person is very popular (I think it started with the Baptists).

Marty Haugen lets rip.

The hymns.

Oh, Gregorian chant is so boring! It may have meaningful words, dignified music, and a general air of sanctity... but, admit it, wouldn't you rather have "I am the Lord of the Dance," or "Gather us in," or even "Shine, Jesus, Shine" - all good quality sources of spiritual nourishment where the words may be heretical, banal, and boring, but they are at least the sort of songs you can sing when totally blotto (even if you may have difficulty when sober)?

Clowns, puppets, and balloons.

These are not a compulsory part of the Novus Ordo Mass (except in parts of Germany and Austria), but they are certainly a popular feature. When did you last see a priest holding up a Kermit the Frog puppet when giving a general Absolution? I think I've made my point.

We also recommend liturgical dancing.

The Grope of Peace.

The Novus Ordo Mass is so tactile. Cuddle your neighbour, pinch her backside, or - for neighbours you aren't so keen on - give him a hearty kick in the ankle. This week's top score at St Tharg's is 36 Signs of Peace - this took brother Bosco about ten minutes to complete. Admittedly, he's now facing charges of assault, grievous bodily harm, and manslaughter (how was he to know that Sister Dominatrix would have a heart attack?) but it's all Biblical, innit?

The Communion.

Kneeling down and receiving on the tongue are so rigid. Sidle up and grab the Host from the priest. Use the standard Vatican II liturgical response "Thanks, Daddy-o" rather than a silent "Amen". Do not cross yourself. Look! As with all these rituals, just do it whichever way you want. God doesn't expect our reverence, our sincerity, or even - these days - that anyone believes in Him. Ask the Bishop!

English bishops to relax the dress code

In view of the extreme temperatures in London - "nearly as high as the last time it was this hot" - the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have agreed that priests may relax their dress code - cassocks, chasubles, socks, whatever - for Mass this weekend.

A Jesuit priest models a rainbow leotard.

"If the Marylebone Cricket Club can do it, then why not us?" explained Cardinal Vincent Nichols, as he rummaged through his wardrobe for a scarlet mankini. "We take our faith nearly as seriously as those cricket fans."

However, there are limits on what priests will be allowed to wear on "Scorcher Sunday." A request from the archbishop of Great Tobin that he could wear a see-through nighty-nighty was turned down.

Maintaining standards. This priest insists on wearing full dress when he dances.

To get a wider view of the issue, we asked the American bishops their views on stripping off in hot weather. Farrell, Wuerl, Tobin and Cupich were unanimous: "We prefer to cover things up." What can they mean?

Spiritual nourishment from Cardinal Dolan

This blog has occasionally been criticised for posting doctored photos of great spiritual giants of our time in unlikely situations (Vincent Nichols fighting the Weeping Angels, Fr John Zuhlsdorf in a mitre, Richard Dawkins made up as a clown, Fr Thomas Rosica praying), so it is with great pleasure that we present some completely genuine photos of one of our favourite cardinals, Timothy Dolan of New York. We do this since we feel that it is important for "bishop-bashers" to appreciate the onerous responsibilities that fall on our religious leaders.

A shepherd, smelling of the sheep (and camels).

Pope Francis wants his cardinals to be shepherds smelling of the sheep: he himself led the way by being photographed with a rather unhappy-looking lamb wrapped round his neck. Some leading churchmen have taken this further, and nowadays the presence of sheep and camels in religious services is becoming the norm.

Explaining Laudato Si' to a group of nuns.

In the Church of today, the important thing is dialogue, getting out to meet people where they are, and discussing new ideas for Catholic dogma with them. The nuns in the picture above are so worried about climate change that they have opted for much cooler habits. However, Cardinal Dolan shows himself to be a traditionalist in his choice of vestments.

Taking lessons in liturgical dancing.

In modern Masses, we have moved on from old-fashioned ideas such as Bible readings and hymns. The Spirit of Vatican II prefers us to worship Her by means of liturgical dance. But what is a cardinal to do if he is unable to do more than a liturgical waddle? Well, the answer is to lose weight, and take dancing lessons! Bravo to Cardinal Dolan for leading the way!

A guide to Britain, part 2

Continued from Part 1.

In the first part of this "Guide for foreigners", we introduced various mostly well-known religious figures such as Queen Elizabeth and Richard Dawkins. This time we are focusing on three slightly less well-known people, who are nevertheless a regular source of entertainment and possible spiritual nourishment.

To put them in context, I decided to pair them with well-known Biblical characters that have clearly inspired them.

Dr Giles Fraser (L) and St Paul (R)

As well as being something of a Gollum lookalike, St Paul was a controversial figure, who upset many more traditional Christians with his radical views. His regular articles, entitled "Epistle to the Guardianistas" were full of unconventional teaching supporting same-sex "marriage". He was also known to think a deep thought once a day, and so his "Thought for the Day" was broadcast throughout 1st Century Judaea. Apart from being a full-time socialist, he was also regarded as a part-time religious figure.

The Blessed Virgin Mary (L) and Prof. Tina Beattie (R)

It is an established fact that Mary rejected the male-dominated hegemony of the early Church. "My Son was a celibate male, and so He got things off on the wrong foot straight away," she regularly complained. Mary was a very learned woman, directing the Institute for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing [or "having a good time"] at the University of Galilee. Unfortunately her extreme views meant that several bishops refused to have anything to do with her, although she maintained all her life that she was a Catholic.

Paul Inwood (L) and King David (R)

King David is mainly remembered as a lyricist, providing the words and music to the memorable psalms "Alleluia Ch-Ch" and "Prepare the way of the Lord, Moo-oo-oo, Moo-oo-oo". His music sold many copies in dioceses along the south coast, and can still be found in some hymn books. He bitterly resented re-translations of the traditional liturgy. It is said that David danced before the Lord wearing a linen ephod: no wonder Nathan the prophet was sent to tell him of God's extreme wrath.

The latest in linen ephods.

A remembrance service for departed politicians

I am the re-election and the life, saith the Lord: he that believeth in me, though he were rejected by voters, yet shall he live, peradventure to return to the world by a by-election, or peradventure to enter the heavenly House of Lords. Failing that, to be blessed with directorships, consultancies, and other means by which the world poureth out money on the otherwise unemployable.

Man that is elected to parliament hath but a short time to serve, and causeth a lot of misery by his meddling. He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one eternal government.

Three polticians (two of them also walking dead) remember the fallen.

Forasmuch as it hath pleased Almighty God, in his wise providence, to take out of parliament the souls of our deceased brothers, we therefore commit them to the dustbin of history; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, toast to toast; looking for a general re-election on the last day of the new administration.

We remember in particular the following brothers who have been taken from us:

Edward Edwin Edgar Edmund Balls, he whose testament to the world, "Ed Balls", is forever remembered in "Ed Balls Day". Although his cutting off leaves the House of Commons emasculated, may the holy day of April 28th (or, if the bishops choose, a convenient Sunday nearby) ever be used to remember him; yeah, even when his works have faded into history and the deficit is no more.

Ed Balls, clad in robes of white.

George Saddam Felix Galloway, many times winner of the "most obnoxious man in politics" award. Well, the less said about him, the better. May he be granted seventy-two virgins in Paradise, preferably Jewish ones.

Possibly the last we shall see of George Galloway. I'm an optimist.

Vincent Nijinsky Cable, dancer extraordinaire and politician ordinaire, he who was unplugged before his time; and Mark Lemming Reckless, of whom we never heard until he decided to sing a new song to the Lord, which proved his undoing.

And there are many others, mostly dressed in robes of red and yellow, whose names are already forgotten.

I heard a voice from Heaven, saying unto me: Write, From henceforth blessed are the dead who are thrown out: for they rest, and we have peace from their foolishness.

"Mwahahahahaha!" Sometimes the undead come back to haunt us.

The priest is asked NOT to mention wailing and gnashing of teeth, even though there is a lot of this going on in BBC interviews, etc.

[At this point Messrs Cameron, Miliband and Clegg will lay wreaths at the eight-foot "Edstone". Mr Cameron will endeavour to stop giggling, before departing to visit some more fish markets. Mr Miliband will trip and fall, before leaving to seek spiritual advice from the Venerable Brand. Mr Clegg will depart in a taxi with the rest of his MPs.]

Life goes on: Theresa May teaches liturgical dancing to a group of new MPs.

Christians get ready to observe Ramadan

We are guided today by a brilliant observation from the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales:

Of course! The time has come to combine Ramadan and Lent into one great period of abstinence, to be called Ramalent, or Lentadan, or something. Rentalamb. Whatever. Maybe we can get the Jews on board too, and combine Lent with Yom Kippur as well. We've agreed to eat no bacon on Fridays - see how much common ground we have already? Crumbs! The Middle-East crisis is as good as solved, even without the efforts of Tony Blair!

A new-look Catholic cat.

For Christians, Lent is the time when Christ went into the desert and met the Devil - or, according to Giles Fraser, didn't meet the Devil. If only Matthew, Mark and Luke had been Guardian-readers they'd have known that such a thing was impossible! Mohammed of course did not meet the Devil, or even Giles Fraser, but his followers still recommend Ramadan as a period of fasting, at least until it gets dark, when Muslims can PARTY!

See? Muslims love liturgical dancing, just as Christians do!

Mgr Ronald Knox wrote a fine piece, Reunion all round, about the possible inclusion of Muslims, Jews, Atheists, etc. into the Church of England (where they would hardly be thought of as unusual). One of his best recommendations was that Muezzins should awake people in the morning by intoning simple, non-controversial messages from church towers, such as:

Early to bed, and early to rise,
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise!

"Mohammed said 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' Are you Catholics happy with that one?"

Indeed, other messages are possible. The Anglicans might wish to use the well-known statement of faith, which applies to every issue they discuss (it was first published in Private Eye, I think):

On the one hand...
On the other hand...
In a very real sense...

while the Catholics may simply shout out:

Who am I to judge?

One of Westminster's finest mosques (prop. Imam Nichols).

Anyway, these precise reforms are probably further down the line; although the Tablet, as usual, is in the vanguard, and is already tipping Jihad John as the next bishop of Arundel and Brighton. Meanwhile, we Christians can prepare for Ramadan with a clear conscience, knowing that we are now eligible for 72 virgins in Paradise (offer available to men only) as an alternative to an eternity in Abraham's bosom.

How to pray 1: Posture

Today we begin a mini-series on prayer, in which we try and sort out questions such as: What posture do I adopt? Who am I praying to? What should I say? and so on. We begin with posture.

The classical "praying mantis" position.

There are three commonly-adopted postures - kneeling, sitting or standing - but there may be circumstances in which you have little choice. If you are confined to bed (or even merely in a wheelchair), you must make the best of the situation. If you are driving a car, and feel a prayer coming on, then you will probably lose control of the car should you decide to kneel down or stand up. In this case, prayers were probably appropriate.

If your plane is coming into land, make your prayers while seated with your belt fastened.

Brace! Brace! Oh, and say your prayers.

In church, the traditional posture for prayer is "meekly kneeling on your knees". In modern churches this is not always possible: there is often not enough space in which to do this, and the comfy cushions have been removed. Well, everyone knows the expression "It's as difficult as finding a kneeler or a hassock." [Pun. Not a very good one, sorry.]

This is where all the hassocks ended up.

"At the name of Jesus, every knee shall bow." Well, so we thought, but nowadays - at least in Catholic churches - the modern thing is to stand up instead. Or, if we're being really lazy, "We'll remain seated for some prayers."

Traditionalists, of course, will kneel even if there is no hassock. Some will even bring broken glass with them, to make the experience more uncomfortable, and to mortify the flesh. Monks and nuns kneel on cold stone floors - well, they used to, certainly.

Prayer while levitating. Comfortable, but difficult.

Of course, prayer does not simply involve saying words - whether made up on the spot or already written down (this will be discussed in a future instalment); one may count hymn-singing and liturgical dancing (oh dear) as forms of prayer. In that case, the correct posture should still be reverent.

This is not the correct posture for prayer.

No, on balance, kneeling is more respectful than standing, standing is more respectful than sitting, and cavorting around like something from a circus is worst of all. But who am I to judge?

A cartwheeling priest in Westminster Abbey. A prayer of thanksgiving.

For prayer you should probably close your eyes (unless you are driving a car, doing a liturgical cartwheel, reading the prayers, etc.) It is considered rude to stare at your neighbours, although everyone seems to do it. Er, so they say. How would I know that?

You can clasp your hands together in various holy-looking ways (DON'T put them in your pockets). In Evangelical churches it is usual to wave them in the air so that God will notice you more easily.

Finally: how to pray in an ecumenical service.

Mummy, today we played lesbians!

Over now to Dothekids Hall, a school awarded the highest marks in an Ofsted inspection, unlike that nasty Grindon Hall Christian School, which was apparently punished because its 10-year-old kids didn't know about lesbian sex.

Little Nicky Morgan, 10, is coming home to her devoted parents. These happen to be a man and a woman, so she is already branded as a reactionary bigot. Why couldn't she have two men as her parents, with a surrogate mother that she never knew? That's the modern way to breed!

Ofsted-approved lesbian priestesses.

Nicky dear, what did you do at school today?

We played lesbians, Mummy, and then I lent some of my clothes to little Johnnie - I mean Jeanie - Nash, so that we could play transgendered awareness games.

That sounds lovely, darling! Did your teacher like the homework you'd done? That essay on "Magnetic Attraction"?

No, Mummy, I got it all wrong. She didn't want me to improve on Hawking's work by rewriting Einstein's field equations in order to derive a new Theory of Everything, uniting quantum theory with relativistic electrodynamics. She wanted me to write a story about the sex life of three lesbians in a loving multi-person marriage.

Can I tell you about my Theory of Everything?

Well, never mind, dear. How about the Translation exercise you were going to do in class? Before Ofsted turned up you were translating Goethe's Faust into perfect Latin hexameters, weren't you?

That's changed too, Mummy. It's "Transition" not "Translation". She got us to give hormone injections and surgery to Wilshaw, the School Dog, so that she's now become a girl dog and not a boy dog. It was very interesting and useful. Can I try it on Harry the Hamster?

A nervous moment for Harry the Hamster.

No, I don't think so, dearest. Do tell me, though, didn't the Bishop visit today? Did you manage to go to Confession with him?

Oh Mummy, you're so old-fashioned! We call it "Reconciliation" now, and dress up as witches! Ofsted told us to.

An Ofsted-approved Mass.