Catholic books you should read

Some great books that I have read recently.

Silence is a wonderful thing, and brings us more in touch with God. How often have you sat in an aeroplane, and some chap in white has stood up and harangued the passengers with his latest "developments" of Catholic doctrine? Couldn't he have sat in silence instead?

One evening I was peacefully meditating and praying, when the telephone rang. "I've decided to issue a Correction of your comments on Mass translations! Ha ha ha ha ha! Now I've got you! You'll be Pope over my dead body!"

"Yes, I expect so, Holy Father," I replied. "That's how things usually work."

Indeed, Silence from some quarters would indeed be a good thing, although perhaps some Yes/No answers to certain questions could be arranged first?

Meanwhile, I decided to remain silent about the German bishops' proposals to translate the words "Pro Multis" in the Latin Missal as "For everyone who pays their church tax".

I first met Jorge Bergoglio when he was a humble priest in Argentina. I was then writing my thesis on "The lives of Argentine popes": in the end I handed in a hundred blank pages, as there had not been any such popes. "Dr Ivereigh's thesis is the best thing he's ever done," said one critic, "and definitely the last word on the subject."

Little did we know that the man I knew as "Jorge the Reformer" - he knew me as "Ronnie Corbett" for reasons I've never discovered - would one day become the inspiration for a new Reformation! Or that I would rise even higher!

Renowned theologian Massimo Faggioli, 47, heir to the Faggioli Baked Bean Company of Philadelphia - motto "Our beans are filled with the Spirit of Vatican II" - recipient of honorary degrees from the university of Antarctica, Ruritania Technical College, and the St Trinian's Academy for young ladies - strode through the corridors of Doctrinanova University.

Thinking furiously with his brain, he asked himself, "Why is that all Catholic doctrine before the year 2013 was wrong? Could the mistake be traced to a little-known carpenter's son in the 1st century? Which, as trained theologians such as I know, came just before the second century. And why does my ground-breaking research lead me to the conclusion that a sinister white-haired old German called 'Benedict' might be involved?"

In this book I want to encourage ordinary LGBT alt-Jesuits - roughly 25% of the world's population - to build bridges with a group of people who are commonly despised and insulted, with nicknames such as "left-footer", "mackerel-snapper" and "taig". Yes, the Catholic Community.

Ever since a Canaanite Women gave some advice to Jesus: "I think it would be a smart idea to found a Church, and put Mary Magdalene at the head of it" - advice which Our Lord followed to the letter - Catholics have started to "come out" and to be persecuted for their faith.

Whereas LGBT is rightly a major world religion, influencing the social policies of governments worldwide, Catholics have practised "the faith that dare not speak its name".

So I call on my LGBT brothers, sisters, transistors, and others, to SHOW MERCY.

Christmas gifts for Catholics

The chocolate Luther

Give your loved one a statue of his or her favourite heretic, made entirely out of chocolate! Bodily nourishment as well as spiritual nourishment! Warning, may contain nuts.

Also available: Arius, neo-Pelagius, Mohammed, Kasper, Tina Beattie, etc.

The Dubia game.

Fun for all the family. The players divide into two teams, and one person is designated "pope". The members of the other team are allowed to ask five questions in order to try and decide whether the pope is Catholic. The members of the pope's team must do all they can to prevent the pope from giving a direct answer: legitimate tactics include threats, insults, and claims that the answers have already been given. Dice not supplied.

Pope Francis dressing-up kit.

Let your kids dress up as their favourite pope (not counting Benedict)! Includes white vestments, book of insults, etc. We even provide a scribbling book in which your children can write their own apostolic exhortations! Deluxe set also includes a small "aeroplane cabin" in which they can invent new doctrines.

The Eccles Heresometer^TM.

Fun for all the family. Point this at your friends, and it gives off a piercing screech if it detects any heresy. Use the "Report" setting to shop Grandma directly to the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith! WARNING: this device may overheat if used in Jesuit communities.

The miniskirt of Mercy is no longer available, but a miniskirt of Anger will be released soon.

Or buy the latest DVD.

In Martin Scorsese's The Silence of the Popes a Jesuit pope is elected, who manages to remain silent in spite of numerous questions from his flock. Recommended by Fr James Martin SJ!

Women, keep silent in church!

1 Corinthians 14:34 reads, in one version:

Let women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted them to speak, but to be subject, as also the law saith.

Somehow, this is not as much a regular part of the liturgy as the great Chapter 13, with its

And now there remain faith, hope, and charity [love], these three: but the greatest of these is charity [love].

Women (and one priest) keeping silent, but, er...

Here are a couple of possible interpretations of what St Paul had in mind:

1. There should be no women priests or deacons; no women reading the lessons; maybe no women in the choir?

2. There should be no women chattering during the service.

Of these, (2) is probably more sexist than (1). There are other theological arguments against the ordination of women, but (2) - which was offered to me by a woman - seems unfair. Is the female sex the "chattering" sex?

Today at Mass, it definitely was. Two elderly ladies (60ish) were sitting next to me, and they spent the entire sermon conversing in loud whispers. I glanced over at one point, and one of them was showing the other a train ticket.

The next morning Andrew told his brother "We have found a train ticket."

So I decided to focus on Fr H's sermon, which was all to do with being called by the Lord. At least, until a flash of light from my left distracted me. Yes, one of the ladies was consulting her mobile phone, and showing her neighbour a text she had received.

I suspect that the text was something like "Come home at once, the parrot has caught fire," for, the moment the sermon was over, the two ladies crept out - pushing past me with a glare. Evidently, that was enough spiritual nourishment for one week.

Still, it's not only women... men chatter as well. Occasionally, I hear comments drifting over: "Excellent blog by Eccles this week. I learnt a lot from it. Really spiritually nourishing." And that was just the priest talking to his deacon while the altar servers were doing their stuff.

Of course another text from St Paul that is not often read out is where he condemns homosexual acts. Stephen Fry's assertion that he and his young friend have become "one person" by signing a book probably can't be justified on Biblical grounds.

Fry and friend. Two persons, or maybe one. Whatever.