I'm Gutted

The other day, mom and I were talking about my friend, Mary. I met her when I was in college and we had a sort of on again and off again friendship over the years.

Currently our friendship was off.

Now it is off for good.

I was trying to look up when her mother passed away, and in doing so I learned that Mary had also passed on Jan 7, 2016.

Words can not begin to express how bad I feel.

She ended the friendship over a post I made about Fox News.

Then she said I hated her mom, which was not true. Yes, her mom was crazy, and in a way that made those around her crazy, but I did not then or now or ever hate her mom.

That was it..

I don't think she could ever understand that I couldn't just go out to dinner then, because in 2012 my dad's health was already failing. I couldn't leave the house and I had to cook the meals for him and my mom, so doing dinner was just foolish. (Plus I hate Kings)

I keep thinking about all the places we went together. We went to Lancaster one weekend, and did a weekend trip to Atlantic City on Miss America weekend! I saw the show me your shoes parade. (It was truly one the most bizarre trips ever) Another weekend, we went to Erie and visited my niece Monica and her family.

There were good times, but politics divided us a lot.

I wish she would have been more understanding.

I hope she has found peace now. I hope she's forgiven me, because I have forgiven her.

Sick Of Sadness

How can I get some happy going on?

For a holiday week, it really started off bad.

Plumie died...Thursday would have been my dad's 89th birthday...we still haven't found a house.

I'm super stressed and I feel powerless.

The only thing that's keeping me sane are books. I'm reading...not as much as usual. I've only read about 30 books this year, but what I have read I've really enjoyed.

It doesn't help matters, that I really have no one to talk to outside of my family. Hospice really doesn't care to help the grieving outside of the patient's spouse. My nephew and I are left alone with our grief.

I don't know that I'll ever get over losing my dad.

Yes, he had been sick for a very long time, but he always rallied. He was a fighter and then some. To lose his kitty now, that's the final blow.

I think she decided she didn't want to be without him.

I'm sure my dad was on the other side of the rainbow bridge waiting for her yesterday, along with all the other animals we've lost over the years. I'm sure he played with her and finally she curled up on the lap she loved the most and slept peacefully again.

Now if only I could feel better.

Not Doing Well

I have to say that losing Mucker has taken its toll on me. I'm deeply worried about my other kitties, but I am relieved that one kitty out of the litter has tested negative for Feline Leukemia.

So there is hope.

I'm so exhausted and so incredibly sad.

See, I am the epitome of the crazy cat lady.

I have a baker's dozen.

I feed them NutriSource Cat food that costs $30 for a 16 lb bag. (Though I think I'm going to give the 4Health brand from Tractor Supply a try)

I highly recommend the Nutrisource. It is one of the best foods for your pet that money can buy, and it doesn't have the nasty stuff that big named pet foods that you get at the grocery store have. (and that includes IAMS and Hills Brand foods)

I'm just so heartbroken right now.

I take better care of my animals than I do myself. They get to the Vet more than I get to the doctor.

It just doesn't seem fair that I lost 2 of my babies and my Bootsie this summer.

I feel horrible.

I keep thinking I could have done more...I should have been a better kitty mama. I feel like I failed my children.

Nothing To Say

After watching the news today, I have to say, I have no words for the tragedy that occurred in CT this morning.

Nothing I say will be of any use, except that this was just senseless and cruel and horrible.

But we already no that.

Anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows that.

The world weeps for the parents of those children lost today..for the families of the adults that were lost today, as they were doing their jobs...helping to educate those children.

It is a sad sad day.....

RIP Andy Griffith

A few tribute photos I found today on Facebook. This year all the good ones are dying. It is so unfair.

I Feel Weird

We all know I am weird.

I wouldn't be me, if I were normal, and that wouldn't be any fun anyhow.

It is the whole thing with Davy Jones.

It is really bothering me.

I mean, he's Davy. I watching reruns of the Monkees on tv from the time I was 5. The Monkees were my first concert in 1986 at the Civic Arena. They even opened the dome for the show.

I saw him in 2006 at Falconi Field in Washington, PA, with my nephew and sister. We were in the first row. The show was incredible.

66 is not old, and I just can't believe he's gone. That I won't have the chance to see him perform again. I missed the Monkees show in Pittsburgh last year..and his show with longtime friend Peter Noone.

It feels like a family member is gone. I mean this man's picture was on my wall for years.

Fare thee well Creamsicle

It is with great sadness that I post this picture of Creamsicle.

He was one of the feral cats that took up residence in my yard last fall. I did my best to keep him warm and fed in the winter.

I even managed to get him to come around to a few gentle pets when he was eating.

Sometime late Saturday night, he was hit by a car. On purpose, from what we've been told.

He is now at rest with my other furry friends and my heart is broken.

I miss his rather deadpan, meow, whenever I shook the food bowl for him.

The back porch just isn't the same without him.

I love ya kitteh, I hope my other furry babies are showing you around the Heavyside Layer now.

Farewell My Borders

As many of you know, Borders filed for bankruptcy protection earlier this week. They also announced the closing of many of their stores, 2 of which affected me greatly. The one I will miss the most is the one located near South Hills Village Mall in the Pittsburgh burbs.

From the time I was in high school I frequented that store. I did so even more when I worked at "The Village" for a time after college, when I aspired to be a retail manager for Kaufmann's.  I had a lot of friends that worked in that store. I loved that store. They carried Q magazine from the UK...and I devoured that one like candy for the longest time. They also carried all the Doctor Who mags, which are not easy to find here in the US.

Oh and the music! When I first discovered the store, they carried all sorts of import CDs. Any album I was looking for, I could find there, or they could order it.

It is sad to see it go. I loved that store, and even though in recent years, I didn't shop there as often as I did before, I'm going to miss it.

RIP Borders South Hills. You will be missed.

R.I.P Harley

19 days ago, this poor little angel showed up on my porch. My dad, fearful that she was starving, ran for food and called me.

She was skin and bones. I couldn't keep her because we are already crazy cat people, but I quickly called my sister, who loves cats as much as I do, and she took her in.

She had been eating good. The vet found nothing wrong with her last week when we took her to get her checked out. She was just anemic and the vet gave her vitamins, which she had been taking.

Sadly none of that helped her. She passed away quietly by my sister's bed sometime this morning. She wasn't my cat, but I just feel heartbroken that we couldn't save her. The only consolation I have is that for 19 days, this beautiful little kitty knew that she had people that loved her and cared for her.

I hope she is in kitty heaven playing with all the fur babies that have gone before her and she's having a good time running and playing.

Harley, your little life was too short, but you were loved very much by everyone that knew you. RIP pretty girl.

Farewell Itchy

Last night, my sweet little Itchy went up the the Heavyside Layer to meet Ceiling Cat. I'm sure she's playing with Misty and Buddah who went before her. There's a huge void in our household already.

Itchy was a special little girl. She followed my dad home one fall morning 10 years ago and she never left, because my mom fell in love with this tiny harlequin kitty. She looked like a kitten, but we were sure she wasn't. She was full of love and full of health problems.

Three months after we brought her in she had a bout with an ear infection and we thought she was going to die, which was why we opted not to have her spayed. We feared she wouldn't make it through the surgery. That, of course, was a huge mistake as 2 years ago she had an infected uterus that cost us $700 and almost took her from our home.

Ultimately it was cancer that pulled her away from our happy home, but not without a fight. Itchy was not ready to go and she went with a fight. A 6 month battle that she wanted to win.

I'm happy to say she went in the loving arms of my sister with all of us stroking her fur. She died with a purr, knowing that she was so very loved and that we wanted her go to the Heavyside Layer and be at peace.

Baby Itchy you will be missed terribly. Thank you for the many years of love and sweetness.

I Feel Like I'm Throwing Her Away

I was going through some of papers and things at grandma's yesterday. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I don't like it one bit. I don't know what to keep or what to throw away and I feel like I'm throwing my grandma away. However odd some of the things I'm finding are, they meant something to her, they were part of her life. I hate having to decide what parts should be kept and what should be tossed.

I wish I didn't have to do this, but I know there's no one else that will and no one else that is able to help me with the task at hand.

Ultimately every trip down to her house across the street ends in tears, some that I let other people see, others that only me and the empty house know about.

I'm learning so much more about my grandmother now that she's gone and that just makes it harder. I'm learning even more about my grandfather, and that makes it really sad, since he died 7 years before I was born. I'm becoming jealous of my other two siblings because they know both of my mom's parents and my brother knew both of my dad's.

All my life, my only grandparent was my mom's mom. I went through periods where I didn't go to see her much even though she was across the street, but I never stopped loving her. I've been told that was part of the growing process and I am normal, but I still feel like there's so much time I wasted.

In the last three years, we've become closer, because I took over laundry duties and I always stopped down to check on her to make sure she was ok, or if she needed anything from the store.

I guess my hormones and emotions are all in a tizzy, but right now I'm full of tears because I miss her more than I can even express. I know I acted annoyed sometimes when I had to go down to her house each day or when I had to drag laundry and nom noms for grandma, but I was never annoyed with her, it was just the task. I loved her so much and I feel like I'm throwing her away right now. I want my grandma. I want to hold my little Kewpie doll grandma again.

Remembering Grandma

In the last three days I've discovered hundreds of photos of my grandmother from her younger days. One day I'll share them, when I've had time to scan them and upload them to flickr.

My grandmother kept every card that was ever sent to her. There were and are boxes and boxes of birthday and Christmas and Valentine's day cards. I found pictures galore which filled me with great glee.

Grandma never shared these pictures with us and they left me with so many questions that I would love to have answers too. There are pictures of her on the beach in OH in the late 20's/early 30's.

And the photos revealed her spunky nature and the beautiful heart that she had. My grandmother had the most beautiful smile and a special twinkle to her eyes that I'll never forget.

To know her was to love her and if she loved you she would do anything for you. She was a wonderful woman who saw so much in her lifetime, more than most people can see; countless presidents, two world wars, many conflicts, the depression. She is the last one of her family to pass, there is only a sister-in-law left from her siblings and she was the oldest.

101 years is a long time, but not long enough. It's never long enough. I'm just glad that I told her I love you nearly every day and that she knew that.

This is a photo of a kind and gentle soul with a heart of 14 Karat Gold.



Grandma, I miss you. I love you. My heart is in two, knowing that I'll never laugh with you, wash clothes with you, do you shopping or take you to your meetings. I'll never hear you call yoo hoo again. I'll never hug or kiss you. I'll never lift you off the couch into a hug when I bring you your mail.

So little time spent, but so much love. I have no more words other than, I was in non way ready for goodbye.

Just A Quiet Day...

I won't be making my usual rounds today. Not because it's election day, but because my Itchy has taken the turn for the worse. I know I've had 3 good months with her that I probably shouldn't have had, but for whatever reason a higher power granted us.

Her time is coming to a close and I want to give her as much love as I can while she's still with us.

I can only leave any cat lovers with this message. If you have a cat, a female cat. Get her fixed! It will be worth the $140. Having a female cat spayed within the first year of her life decreases the risk of several lift threatening diseases of which breast cancer is one.

Had I known that, Itchy would have been fixed when we got her, but she was a sickly kitty then and we didn't want to put her through it, since she's never left the house since she came into our lives.

~ sigh ~

Itchy, I love you little girl. I'm not ready for you to go yet.