Struggling With My Faith

For many years I've had issues with organized religion. I know I'm not the only one. I'm not a fallen away Catholic, though I probably was for awhile.

When my mother passed away in Oct, I returned to the church. The new priests were welcoming and kind. I wish they had been there when my father was sick and dying.  That was the one thing that pushed me away. We had a priest that just didn't minister to the sick as well as I would have liked, and didn't offer comfort when dad was gone.

In fact, the deaths of both my parents make me feel like I've been left to flounder when it comes to religion.  I know I had a stronger than usual bond with my parents. They were my life. Words cannot express how much I miss them and still need them in my life.

I've received nothing from hospice to deal with my grief, and really nothing from my parish either, though when we have one priest, he always asks how I'm doing, so there's that.

Today we had Father Pat, who I jokingly, behind his back call Father Lurch. You'd have to see him. He's a big hulking guy, who reminds me of the butler for the Addams Family. You know, Lurch.

But back to my story. He talked about when his mother passed away several years back and how he was sad and joyful. Sad that his mother had died but joyful that she was with the Lord.

I am not joyful. I am not comforted by the thought that my mother is in heaven.

I am selfish. I still need her desperately. I need her advice. I need her to argue with. I need her hugs. I need her presence.

There is no way I have any bit of joy, that's faith based in my mother's passing, or my father's for that matter, even though he's been gone over 4 years.

I want to find comfort that they are with God, but I can't. I struggle with that. I believe that there's something more. I hope there is something more, because if there isn't, so many lives are just wasted.

I wish I could grow in my faith...but I fear I will always have doubts.

This Says It All

Can I get a hell yeah?

Two Things I've Noticed

They show two types of commericals on New Year's Eve:

Diet commericals
Dating commercials


Meaning the only people at home on New Year's Eve are either fat...single or both.

Bastards!

Random Saturday Thoughts

~ Saturday nights without Doctor Who suck.

~ Eharlequin sucks for ebooks, they have a great selection but the discount is horrible, plus for most books, the print copies are about 40 cents cheaper! WTF!!!

~ Not sure how I feel about the new Erasure CD, which saddens me, because they are one of my favorite bands. I hate when my favorite bands put out "Meh" albums.

~ Bought 3 Christmas romances at Goodwill. I love Christmas books. They always give me the warm fuzzy feelings.

~ There are way too many novels about vampires, and very few of them are actually good.

~ I need to watch a good comedy.  I saw Bridesmaids a few weeks ago and enjoyed that but haven't found any other films I want to watch since.

~ Starbucks Salted Carmel Mocha with a shot of Peppermint = Coffee love

~ Best new shows of the season for me

Comedy: 2 Broke Girls
Drama: Unforgettable

~ Tim Allen's new show is going to suck. Why do guys like Tim and Kelsey Grammer always play the same character over and over? Oh and Tim as a homophobic republican turns me off. Sorry Tim, I loved Home Improvement but I won't be tuning in to Last Man Standing.

Things That Are Constant

~ Taxes and Death of course. We'll all die, and we'll all pay taxes. We'll probably all die paying taxes.

~ Laundry will always creep up on you like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

~ There will never be enough hours in the day.

~ However long you have slept, it won't be enough.

~ The day you plan on getting something done early, you'll be running later than usual.