Sick Of Sadness

How can I get some happy going on?

For a holiday week, it really started off bad.

Plumie died...Thursday would have been my dad's 89th birthday...we still haven't found a house.

I'm super stressed and I feel powerless.

The only thing that's keeping me sane are books. I'm reading...not as much as usual. I've only read about 30 books this year, but what I have read I've really enjoyed.

It doesn't help matters, that I really have no one to talk to outside of my family. Hospice really doesn't care to help the grieving outside of the patient's spouse. My nephew and I are left alone with our grief.

I don't know that I'll ever get over losing my dad.

Yes, he had been sick for a very long time, but he always rallied. He was a fighter and then some. To lose his kitty now, that's the final blow.

I think she decided she didn't want to be without him.

I'm sure my dad was on the other side of the rainbow bridge waiting for her yesterday, along with all the other animals we've lost over the years. I'm sure he played with her and finally she curled up on the lap she loved the most and slept peacefully again.

Now if only I could feel better.

RIP Sugarplum

I don't have the words right now.

My little girl, who we jokingly called Lady Sugarplum von Buttonhead crossed the rainbow bridge this morning.

She was only 9 years old.

I think she died of a broken heart. She was never the same after my dad died. He was her man.

I want to celebrate her life here today.

Hump Day Hunks

Its been awhile since I've posted some pretties here...

Easy Meals

In the last few years, since cooking has fallen on my shoulders, I find myself looking for the easy peasy recipes for weeknights.

I usually save fancy stuff for weekends.

Well, today while I was watching Food Network, I saw an interesting take on sloppy joes. It was on The Pioneer Woman.

Can I just say, I really do not like Ree Drummond.

When ever she says she has to have her recipes approved by hungry cowboys, kids and her...I want to say, try to find recipes that will be approved by hungry old people and a finicky twenty something that works in food service.

No joke, my youngest nephew won't come over for dinner if we order out.

But back to The Pioneer Woman. She was doing multiple recipes that used her meat sauce. One of them was the Italian Sloppy Joes. I am not one to make my own sauce.

I liked the concept, but it just isn't easy enough.

I think when I make my version of Italian Sloppy Joes I think I'll use this one

Because I like meals that are easy and different. (And don't require me using the broiler)

4 Months Ago

Today I find myself reliving the events of Nov 16, 2014.

It has been 4 months since my dad went home to God.

I like the sound of that better than "he died."

I want to believe he's in a better place waiting for us to join him. In a place where he can breath and chop wood and pull weeds without any issues.

I remember staying up all night on Nov 15, taking his temperature, knowing there wasn't much time left.

I remember one blissful second when I saw my father's eyes open, but he never really woke up.

I remember taking his blood pressure. Seeing how low it was and then how high.

I remember giving him a final bath with my sister-in-law.

I remember falling asleep for 10 fucking minutes...and then going to kiss him, only to find out he had gone.

Today, more than any day in the last 4 months, my mind has relived those last 48 hours, and everything hurts so much.

I don't think I'll ever get over his passing. I love my daddy so much. And there just wasn't enough time to tell him just how much.

I always felt safe with him in the house, even when he was sick. Now I'm scared of what lies ahead and I wish he were here to talk to or at least hold.

I've said this many times...life sucks without my daddy.

It was 63 years ago today

I wish dad were still here with you mama, but in spirit he is.

Today's Earworm

There are reasons I usually stick to classic rock stations.

Less earworms.

Or rather, less annoying earworms.

Sure there are songs like "Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes)" and "Yummy Yummy Yummy" but they also have the cute factor.

But the other day I had 99.7 on and I heard "Rude" by MAGIC! and now its stuck in my head.



Like most of the songs I've been gravitating to lately, he has a strong 80s vibe. I like the mellow reggae sound of this band. I may actually have to buy their album.

Missing Grandma

Grandma would have been 108 today. I know that's an age most people don't live to see, but she was spunky. She made it to 101. Not bad. And she had a good long life, filled with many people that loved her.

I still miss her so much.

I hope she's having a nice time with my daddy today in heaven. I know she has most of her family with her now.

Love you more, grandma!

Watching Justin Hayward

My nephew told me that our local PBS station was airing the Justin Hayward special tonight.

It has been ages since I've listened to him, let alone watched anything like that.

It really is beautiful video and it gives the world a chance to see that he still has an incredible voice.

I had to draw comparisons to Paul McCartney as I watched. Justin is 4 years younger than Paul, but he sounds 100 times better. As much as I like Macca, his recent performances leave me wishing he'd retire.

I loved hearing the new songs live, since I wasn't able to see him in concert when he came to Pittsburgh, and likely won't be able to see him again ever, as life has made seeing concerts pretty much impossible. But more than the new songs, it was hearing New Horizons, Your Wildest Dreams and, of course, Question live.

If you have a chance you have to watch this video.

Almost Midnight

Its kind of odd that I'm wide awake right now.


Most days when the midnight hour approaches, I'm out like a light.


I think my body's playing a cruel joke on me because we lose an hour tonight. And because I have to get up early to get to the Laundromat before the creepers get there.


I have a dream that I will one day have a washer and dryer so that I don't have to do the laundry away from home.


The only good thing about being wide awake now, is that I'll be able to watch the movie I rented at some point tonight.


Woo hoo!


I think the last movie I watched was Saving Mr. Banks and that was quite by accident.


Oh and this video makes me happy and sad at the same time

Things I've Learned

First, let me say, life sucks. But as I've taken over the running of our house there are other things I've learned. (The life sucks part is a given).


1. No one ever helps with the dishes.


2. Putting things away is a job that only I am capable of doing.


3. I am the only person that knows how to fold clothes or hang them.


4. When you've been cold for so long, the sub zero temps don't feel so cold anymore. I swear I could live amongst the Amish if I didn't like the computer so much.


5. Cooking is a thankless task.


6. Laundry doesn't do itself.


7. Snow is evil and it needs to go away.


8. We need more chairs and more space.

You've Got To Admit It's Getting Better

And I wish that were the case.

For the last three months there hasn't been a day that I haven't cried. And I cry for so many reasons. I cry because I miss my father. I want to hold him. I want to talk to him. I want him to fix things, even though in the last year, he wasn't able to do that.

It was just his presence that made me feel like things would be ok.

Now that he's not here, I know that they won't be ok.

There are things I can't fix, and frankly I don't know what to do.

I'm trying to find a house and nothing that's in my price range will work for mom and I. The thought of moving from the only house I've ever lived in, scares the crap out of me and I know I'm mostly going to be doing it on my own.

I keep thinking, it is getting better. I have accomplished things. Maybe we'll find a house. Maybe things will be all right for awhile.

It can't get much worse, as Lennon sang