Do you ever experience something and just need time to processes that experience before you can make heads or tails of it?
I have been trying, taking little baby steps, to turn my heart over to Christ. I have always felt connected to Him, I grew up Catholic, but the relationship didn’t feel very functional, if that makes any sense at all.
Over the past 4 or 5 months, I have really felt a need and a want to explore and expand that part of my life. I am timid about it and that is getting me nowhere.
The other day I had to drive pretty far for a conference, I spent a good 5 hours in the car by myself. I do all my best reflecting in the car and something came over me that day. I prayed. Out loud. (I NEVER do this).
I poured out my wants, needs, fears, hopes, desires – all of it.
When I was done, I felt this –and I really don’t know how to describe it- feeling within me – within my heart. I knew what it was. It was Him showing me where He belongs – where he IS. It was a pretty comforting feeling, actually.
My biggest problem is that I am a CONTROL FREAK. I like to be in charge of everything – especially my life. Which is HUGELY stressful and frustrating, not nearly as rewarding of an experience as you might imagine (ha!). I envy those who are so carefree and comfortable within the confines of their lives. Part of why I feel so, unsettled, is the job situation. But I DO have a job. I have THREE FOUR jobs, if we are counting. I am a wife. A mother. A writer. A Premier Designs jeweler.
For some reason, telling people about this job has been hard for me – I fear they will think, “She was supposed to be a doctor and now she sells jewelry?” or “don’t you have a masters degree ::eye roll::?”
But that is my own fear, and a really unrealistic one, if I am being totally honest with myself. Because this job – is full of so much JOY and HOPE and FUN! I make more money than I did working full time and work about 1/4 of the hours, it’s legit, I enjoy the women I see and the lives I have been able to enrich. I need to change my outlook on it – because it is meaningful and fruitful. And it brings me happiness and faith.
Sure, I want to USE the degree/s I have – that will come, I have to be confident in that as well.
I guess all of this is trying to say – This is SO hard for me, but I think I am ready to jump in with both feet – to really hand myself over to Him. I am willing to put in the work, the effort, the desire needed because I know the rewards will be endless. He will bless me, my family, my business – and He has – I only need to open my eyes to the future and the possibility. It’s scary and different, but I know it promises to be worth it.