Say What Now?

Amazing. I'm only two days into the new semester, and I'm already contemplating fleeing to go live in a van down by the river. Or maybe in a hut up on the mountaintop. Whichever gets better TV reception, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm sitting in a class tonight, and the professor is rambling about how odd it is being a biology person in a statistics class, since you're surrounded by math people and all. He says they look at things differently, that they have a worldview based solely on "fact", to the exclusion of reality.

Now how the hell does that work? Aren't facts part of reality? Don't facts come from observing reality, so how can you base a worldview on something, while excluding the thing that would seem to be the source of the thing you're focusing on? I'm sure the "prof" was exaggerating, but it just seems like such an odd statement to make, because I can't quite figure what the hell it means. Maybe he means facts in terms of universal laws and such, and they somehow determine these laws without interacting with the very things that are governed by them?

I don't know. It just makes me want to flee even more, but I think I'll just get some sleep instead.

When He Appears, Well Something Is Bound To Happen

I'd kind of like to see The Stranger pop up in Annihilation. He may not usually give a crap about the politics and the conflicts of the universe at large, but he's stepped in when all life was threatened before.

In the interest of honesty, I don't really want to see The Stranger save the day, but I do want to know what he's up to. That's always been the mystery it seems. The Stranger shows up, grabs people of unusual capabilities, and either gets away from them, or gets thwarted by the heroes and leaves, making cryptic pronouncements all along.

He tried to abduct a Skrull Empress because she could restore the ability to shift form to all the Skrulls that had lost it, but ultimately traded her for Captain Reptyl's entire crew, which included a mutant with a remarkable ability for navigation. It did save him the trouble of slugging it out with Reptyl and the Silver Surfer, so probably a wise decision. (Silver Surfer #27)

And there was the time Quasar found the Stranger's world, and it was kind of a composite, with all sorts of different habitats, occupied by all kinds of different people, including Ego-Prime(?!), who tried to eat Quasar (that would have had to have been his most embarassing death, had it continued). (Quasar #14ish)

It suggests a geneticist, or maybe an anthropologist of some sort. But what's he trying to accomplish? My best guess is a galactic-scale Mr. Sinister, running all sorts of experiments to see what happens, and then using the results for... something. I don't know what. We need someone to look into this. Mr. Giffen you got any free time coming up after Annihilation ends?

Why Ignore A Perfectly Good Target?

About a week ago, Graeme McMillan was doing his reviews, and he brought up that the plot of Midnighter #1 involved the title character being told to kill Hitler. Graeme remarked that this was kind of taking the easy route, since Hitler is so evil, he's an easy target.

And that got me thinking - why don't we see more superheroes having to try and kill Stalin? Sure, there was that one awesome story, but really, I can't think of any off the top of my head. He's truly an underused dictator, given that the current estimates on people killed by his regime - between executions, the Gulag, deportations, POWs and German civilians, possible use of famines to dispatch kulaks - seem to all reach over 10 million.

Certainly, that would seem to make Stalin a reasonable object of superhero attacks, at least as much as Hitler. So what's the deal? Is it because we never directly went to war with the Soviet Union? Because the Siberian tundra hides its secrets better (based on Wikipedia, there's a lot of argument about the exact number of Stalin's victims)? Because Americans are stupid and don't know who Joseph Stalin is?

I'm not really advocating using real-life historical figures in superhero comics, since (if Civil War has taught us anything), they don't seem all that capable of handling the ethical and moral aspects with much tact or depth. At least, not as part of a massive event. If it's something that's more standalone (like Watchmen), where it isn't meant to have ramifications on a larger fictional universe, there's a better chance of that depth. But if you just want to go crazy with it, why not mix things up with old Joe?

I don't know, this is just something me and my old roomie used to kick around, why Stalin's atrocities never seemed to get as much pub as Hitler.

Say It With Me Now - Batman Is NOT God!

So the always awesome Dave's Long Box has finally held forth on the sheer horror that was the Marvel vs. DC mini-series.. He's broken down the fights as only he could, and I'd say he's right on, for the most part. However, there are just a few things I gotta say, and I'd rather do it here, where I can rant at length.

1) Like Kyle Rayner, Hal Jordan would lose the battle to the Silver Surfer. No, I don't care that it's HAL JORDAN, he'd still lose the battle. I will say he'd win the war. See, after he's finished getting smacked around, Hal will go back to Earth and pick up some pretty lady at a nightclub for some sweet lovin'. Meanwhile, the Surfer is out in space, bemoaning the fact the he's separated from his beloved Shalla Bal. Shalla Bal? What the hell kind of name is that?

2) Jubilee would beat a Velociraptor. She's Wolverine trained, she's been in the Savage land and nearly eaten by much larger predators, and Jurassic Park proved Velociraptors are dumb enough to lose to a couple of children with no superhuman abilities whatsoever. Robin still beats her though. 'Nuff said.

3) He's absolutely right, Namor beats Aquaman. The guy takes punches from the Hulk, but you expect me to believe that hitting him with an Orca stopped him? All that does is piss the Avenging Son off, leading to Aquaman losing the harpoon hand, and then watching as Namor uses it to cut off his remaining hand.

4) Could Batman beat Captain America? I'm inclined to say no, as I agree that Cap has been fighting guys who play dirty for years, and unlike Batman, those guys weren't afraid to try and kill the Sentinel of Liberty. Personally, I think the best suggestion was that it should be a mini-series of it's own, where Cap wins Round1, then Batman gets enough time to strategize and wins the Rematch, and Round 3 is interrupted by the world ending.

For me, it stirred up annoyance, because once again, I get to read about how "if Batman has enough time, he can beat anyone". In an issue of Wizard where they revisted some of these fights, and asked various writers and artists their opinion, one fellow went so far as to say that Batman could beat Galactus given enough time. First off, how much time? Six weeks, a decade? Give us a time frame here. But as a special gift to you, because I care, I will fill you in on Batman's "How to Beat Galactus Strategy".

Step 1: Galactus' ship arrives in the skies over Gotham. Why there, and not out in a field, where he could more easily access the planet's energy, I don't know. Just roll with me here.

Step 2: Batman sees the ship, and sees Galactus disembark, to begin constructing his energy-taking machine.

Step 3: Batman loses bladder control. Fortunately, he planned for that, and was wearing Bat-Depends.

Step 4: Batman calls the Justice League for help. They ignore him, because honestly, Batman has been kind of a dick to them the last couple of years, and they want to see him sweat a bit.

Step 5: After three hours, the Justice League shows up to save the day. Of course, Galactus has already taken all the planet's energy and left, the planet dies and that's that. Ha!

So there you have it. If you can scream loudly enough to get their attention, and haven't been a jerk to them previously, you can also defeat Galactus, just like Batman! Just remember to wear your Bat-Depends!

Also, if anyone from Wizard reads this, your "Last Man Standing", where Batman and Spider-Man run into each other in an alley and Batman wins, by catching Spider-Man by surprise from above? Yeah that's total bullshit. Sigh, let's break this down. Spider-Man: Spider-sense that alerts him to danger whether he can see it or not, and causes his body to move instinctively out of the way, with speed and reflexes forty times that of a normal human. Batman: Speed and reflexes, that are, I'll be generous and say five times faster than a normal humans. Ergo, Batman does not hit Spider-Man.

This kind of crap is all Grant Morrison's fault. "Sure Batman can beat four people as strong as the Martian Manhunter! He's Batman!" Ugh.

Since I'm screaming about all these cross-company battles, I'll end with this. In that same Wizard where someone opined Batman could beat the Devourer, they discussed Thor vs. Superman, with Walt Simonson arguing for the Norse God of Thunder, and Louise Simonson for the Last Son of Krypton. Me, I don't care what Busiek said, Thor wins. As I understand it, Superman isn't extra-vulnerable to magic, but he is just as vulnerable as anyone else. To me, that means that when he's getting smacked upside the head with an enchanted hammer, his invulnerability isn't protecting him, and the guy doing the swinging hits pretty hard. That, plus I think Thor would get more into it than Superman. It's be a point of honor to the Odinson, to win against this incredible foe, and that'd amp him up. I've never really seen Supes display that, and given he died at the hands of a brainless punching machine, I'm inclined to hand it to the owner of the hammer labeled "Mjolnir", who's spent centuries in battle with all manner of beings. Not saying it would be easy, it'd probably be like using a wooden mallet to drive a rubber stake through concrete, meaning it'd take lots of time and effort, but it'd happen.

Whew, I'm ranted out. Time to go home and nap!

History Is Repeating Itself. . . Let's Blame Kang

I complained yesterday about Marvel okaying a fourth monthly Spider-Man title. Len pointed out in the comments that it's likely it'll never ship, which is good news for me. Still, the fact that Marvel think it's a good idea, makes me wonder if they pay attention to anything. As Len pointed out, they haven't noticed that people who just like to read their regular monthly titles get burned out from month after month of Big Event Crossover Issues, because they're doing the same thing. Or maybe they ignore it, because Big Event draws casual readers, equals cash register.

As the Clone Saga drew to a close, Marvel did something remarkably intelligent. They downsized the number of titles starring a character who sold well. At one point in the '90s there had been at least eight books that starred Spidey, between, Amazing, Spectacular, Web, Peter Parker, Sensational, Unlimited, Marvel Tales Featuring, and the one based off the cartoon show. Throw in stuff like John Byrne's Chapter One, and Webspinners, and it's overload.

But it seemed like Marvel actually got that. They cancelled everything except Amazing and Peter Parker, and put the same writer (Howard Mackie) on both. This insured unity of vision across the Spider-Man books, even though each was designed to tell different kinds of stories, with Amazing being more super-heroics, and Peter Parker being more focus on Peter himself, or personal aspects. This idea really came into its own when the creative team was Paul Jenkins and JMS, as each was better suited for one type of story. Even so they appeared to maintain a sense of collarboration, so that the unity was there. Peter tells Aunt May the truth in Amazing, Jenkins has Peter talking openly to Aunt May about how batshit crazy Norman Osborn is in Peter Parker.

*cue ominous storm clouds*

But then they cancelled Peter Parker, and replaced it with Spectacular. OK, still Paul Jenkins, it's fine. Then they cancelled Spectacular, and started up Marvel Knights. There seemed to be less of a difference between this and Amazing, other than Marvel Knights was supposed to be more "hardcore" I suppose. Because when I think Spider-Man, I think harcore legend baby, just like Mick Foley! Then they added a third book, and now they're at least thinking about adding a fourth. I've already expressed the opinion once with regard to teams that if you're going to have multiple team books, they should focus on different stuff, or else they're redundant. I figure with a character with multiple books, the same should hold true.

I will say that's it's too early to assess the direction Aguirre-Sacasa is going with Sensational, and given it's only been two issues since the conclusion of The Other, probably too early to assess Peter David as well. Right now though, I think he's trying to go more personal, which is fine, it can balance JMS' "big picture" stuff. So what would the point of the other books be?

And I didn't even mention Ultimate, or Marvel Adventures (which seems to be more for kids, good idea), or Spider-Man loves Mary Jane, or Spider-Man Unlimited, or New Avengers, or his frequent appearences in Marvel Team-Up.

You know, I think I may be a little too late with this.
Oh well, Romita Jr. art makes me feel better, even if Spidey looks blue.

What Are those Things On The End of Your Shoelaces? Things I Think About #5

That's right, I found a decent computer, hurrah. They're aglets. Not relevant. My real question is, what happened to the citations in comic books. You know, you're reading Uncanny X-Men and Shadowcat says something like "We haven't seen Yukio since that battle with Sunfire and the Renagade Panda Squadron"*. And then at the bottom of the panel, there would be some little box and it would say "*in the now classic Uncanny X-Men #153" or something like that. I don't seem to see those as much any more.

I was thinking about this when I was reading one of my Batgirl's. She's asking Batman if he knows if Shiva is her mom. He says, he's not sure and that once upon a time, he thought Shiva might be Jason Todd's mom, but he ruled that out. In the comic, there are a couple of panels that are supposed to depict this, including Jason attacking Shiva while Batman follows, which seems kind of unlikely. And my first thought was, what comic was that in. Neither panel really explained how they determined she wasn't Jason's mom, so now I'm wondering what book it was in, so maybe I'd go buy it to find out. That's how a lot of my older issues got purchased. They got referenced in some more recent comic, and I was intrigued enough to want to spend more to read it.

So, any idea what that seems less prevalent? Or am I just reading the wrong books? Back on Friday.