Suddenly, Spider-Woman's Rogues Gallery Is Looking Pretty Gosh-Darned Intimidating

The (kind-of) original Blue Beetle -- the one who was an archaeologist and not a cop -- defended the world against such menaces as (clockwise from top left)...

• Baron Von Howdy Doody!
• Furry Conventioneer Who Can't Walk Upright Because A Couple Of Ruffians Jabbed Pool Cues In The Costume's Eyeballs Man!
• The Micronauts Bandito!
• The Red Hulk's More Flamboyant Uncle!
• Battle Roomba!
• The Living Loincloth and his atomic-powered baby bottle!
• Fellatiobot!

Okay, so that last one was a bit obvious, but c'mon. I couldn't resist!

...But His First Love is the Ballet.

The Australian super-hero, "Blueflyer"...

• ...can run at super-speed!
• ...is being haunted by the ghost of a giant manta ray. But SHH! Nobody say anything. He's kind of sensitive about it.
• ...has a sports bra to keep his man-boobs in check.
• ...wears that helmet because he's skunk-ass drunk on Fosters' twenty-four hours a day, and he crashes into shit a lot. A lot.
• ...has the ability to manifest a glowing blue energy-vagina through the intensity of his own horniness.
• ...wears both regular "tighty whiteys" and Doctor Manhattan's old Speedos over his super-suit! The layering does nothing to disguise the fact that he's hung like a mole rat.
• ...does a killer Mick Jagger impression.
• ...never got around to fixing that overbite.
• ...really has to use the bathroom, like right now.

7/600 of One Trombone

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish conducting the world's tiniest marching band."

Also... "malnutrition"? Hey, Old-Enough-To-Know-Better Denny O'Neil, while you're busy padding out your dialog with highly improbable ailments and conditions for a muscular adventurer to suffer from, you might as well consider tacking on a couple more, like:

• Rickets
• Elephantiasis
• "The jim-jams"
• Hysterical blindness
• Mange
• Leprosy
• Gout
• Incontinence
• Liver spots
• Ingrown toenail
• Deviated septum
• Gingivitis
• "Turkey neck"
• Scoliosis
• Ringworm
• Bulimia
• Peanut allergy
• Trichophagia (look it up)
• Lazy eye
• Parasitic twin
• Diaper rash
• Ear mites
• Diverticulitis (I prescribe macaroni-and-cheese)
• Third nipple
• Autism

Oh, you're quite welcome.

Happy Thanksgiving, or Whatever

As previously stated, we don't have a Thanksgiving holiday here in the glorious 30th century, but I figured I might as well "give thanks" for some things... y'know, as a gesture of solidarity with (some of) my 21st century pals.

Let's see...

• I'm thankful to all of my readers, with a special shout-out for everybody who took the time out of their lives to work up costume designs for yours truly. You didn't have to do that, and I really appreciate that you did.
• I'm extremely thankful to my identical ancestor, Stockade Boy, for giving me his body. Especially the dingus part. No more robo-dingus! From now on, the only oil for my pecker goes on it, not in it!
• I'm thankful that Eyeful Ethel helped me evade a draconian United Planets law about space piracy by creating a new civilian identity for me. Even if it's pretty much turned me into "Mike Murdock" and none of the hipster doofuses out there (i.e. Phantom Lad) respect me. Eh, screw 'em.
• I'm thankful to have a regular job. Again, that's thanks to Eyeful Ethel. Sadly, my grief over Weight Wizard's demise has manifested itself as a rampaging sex spree... which, in turn, has maxed out my credit cards with charges to all the best man-whore brothels on Lallor. But that's hardly Eyeful Ethel's fault.
• I'm thankful that Storm Boy has cleaned himself up, dropped a ton of weight, and has gone from being an irritating rival to a merely exasperating pal. And I'll be thankful if this "Ox" guy he's allegedly dating turns out to be a real person and not a blow-up droid, or -- the Luck Lords have mercy! -- an actual ox. I asked Eyeful Ethel if she knew anything about "Ox". She told me that although Storm Boy is quite explicit about their sexual encounters, she can never glean any information from his babblings in regards to Ox's real name, occupation, home address, or physical appearance. The suspense is killing me! The Blockade Boy, he is frustrated! Grrrrr...!

That's not a bad list. I mean, I'm still hurtin' for cash, but other than that, I'm in terrific shape. Especially physically! *peels off top of costume and strikes several weight lifter poses for your edification and enjoyment*

Happy Thanksgiving! Or whatever!

Name the Source of that Irritating Racket! (AAAEE!)

• Slasher's eye-lasers
• Demitrius' poorly thought-out and grossly undefined mental powers
• Air escaping from Iron Man's armor while it melts
• Tony's self-pity, which has transcended mere words to manifest as an endless, ominpresent keening, like unto the banshee washer-women of lore. (Christ, now I'm writing like Conway. Somebody, slap me! No, belay that, you'd just screw it up. I'll slap me! ...YEOWW!)
• Marianne, all the way from her crappy hotel room
• The squealing tires of the sinister VW van, as Lucie runs their asses down and ends this stupid comic for once and for all.
• Whitepants the Brave, pining for more sweet, sweet armor-humpin'.
• Senator Stogie, ramming his "appropriations bill" through some page's "subcommittee."
• Me, as I realize I still have one-and-a-half pages left of this four-color turdburger to blog.

To Be Fair, You Have No Way of Knowing Whether or Not He Winked

So... he's got his boxers in a bunch because Iron Man didn't stop to say "Hi" or something. And yet, in the middle of a building collapse (with people possibly missing or maybe even dead) he's just standing there, savoring his stogie and doing nothing to help out. But yeah, it's that Iron Man who's the callous sonuvabitch. I was trying to figure out why he even still had that damn cigar, which he had been puffing on all through Tony Stark's presentation, and then it hit me -- homely middled-aged white guy + paranoia directed towards a superhero + ever-present cigar x facile characterization = J. Jonah Jameson. Your average Young Gerry Conway story didn't feature many character types. Most could be boiled down into two categories: the whiny sadsack loser and the inexplicably hateful asshole. Let's do a quick tally...

1. Demitrius: whiny sadsack loser.
2. Slasher: inexplicably hateful asshole.
3. Marianne: whiny sadsack loser (admittedly, most of her whining is internal).
4. Christine (the gal falling off the balcony): whiny sadsack loser.
5. Danny (her Australopithecus boyfriend): inexplicably hateful asshole.
6. Lucie (she-terrorist/possible umpire): she's only had one line of dialog, but she kind of looks like an asshole to me.
7. The Dread Mister Kline: no contest. He's an inexplicably hateful asshole.
8. White-panted samaritan: hard to get a read on this guy, but since he's helpful I bet once you get him talking you'd find out he's a whiny sadsack loser.
9. Senator Stogie: as previously indicated, inexplicably hateful asshole.
10. Crandal: whiny sadsack loser.
11. Tony Stark/Iron Man: as the book's protagonist, Conway makes his character a rich tapestry of fascinating contradictions: he's an inexplicably whiny sadsack asshole!

Shellhead's on a Rampage!

Iron Man calls himself "Shellhead"? Yeah, I'm not buyin' it. I suppose there's a certain class of loser out there who calls himself derogatory nicknames created by his friends, but I think Tony Stark is in an entirely different class of loser.

Here are some nicknames you'll never hear Tony's compatriots call themselves:

• Captain America: "U.S.A-hole"
• Thor: "Girlyhair VonPrettyboy"
• Ant-Man: "Microbe Dick"
• Giant-Man: again, "Microbe Dick"
• Yellowjacket: "Batshit Crazy Microbe Dick", also "Wifeybeaterkins with the Teensy Peterkins"*
• Wasp: "Talentless Whore-Slut" (or maybe I'm the only one who calls her that)
• Hawkeye: "Sir Smirks-A-Lot", "Spooge Central"
• Quicksilver: "Mister Zip", "Satanic Anderson Cooper"
• Scarlet Witch: "Perm-Meister", "Big Chief Buffalo Thighs"
• Vision: "Sobby the Robot"

*And now I just have to wait for the deluge of comments complaining that Hank only hit Jan that one time in that one comic from like a million years ago, and why does everybody keep bringing it up? Because it's so wrong it's hilarious, that's why! I'm never letting it die! Hank hitting Jan is my own personal Stephanie Brown memorial floaty costume trophy case! So suck it! *laughs maniacally* Now go back to complaining on the Newsarama boards about Supergirl having a larger-than-24" waist, nerdleys.

Goodbye, Mister Teeny Eyeballs

Remember that alternate-universe Legion I glimpsed on my way back from the 21st Century? The one where everybody had taut, vaguely-English faces with tiny noses and tiny mouths and tiny eyeballs? Where everyone's hair was feathered (or else looked like Toni Tennille's) and nearly every female wore a belly shirt? Yeah, that one. It was horrific.

Well, a friend of mine from the Time Institute space-mailed me a snapshot of that Legion, and I have to say those poor shmoes seem to be pulling themselves together! For example, that Legion finally has an Invisible Kid whom I don't instinctively want to punch in the mouth (the better to wipe off that stoner smirk, y'see). My friend's letter quoted that Legion's new costume designer, one Mister Francis Manapul, as saying "I'm trying to simply rather than modernize. I think simplicity carries over and creates a timeless look." Amen, brother! Finally, that Legion has somebody working for them who shares my aesthetic. Not that it's a complete success, but still, it's a step in the right direction. Let's review...

• I'm pleased as punch my "off-the-shoulder" look for men is catching on, as Timberwolf is wearing... oh. Those are just orange patches on his shoulders which are blending with a crappy spray-on tan. My bad. It's still a pretty sweet costume. Love the bare toes! (Although I thought they'd be hairier.)
• No more belly shirt for Light Lass! It looks like a proper costume now! Huzzah! See what a difference it makes when you don't go for a trend... that expired eight years ago? Also, I love the longer hair on her. Very fetching.
• Alternate-universe versions of Triplicate Girl continue to be prudish frumps with Moe Howard haircuts, I see. And this one's cape still has that ridiculous cowl-neck... presumably so she can duck her head down into it like a turtle whenever the paparazzi show up. Ugh. Why is mine the only universe where Luornu is allowed to be sexy?
• Not sure why Shrinking Violet (or Atom Girl or whatever the frig they call her over there) needs hotpants. Whatever.
• Their version of Element Lad still looks like a complete tool.
• Is it just me, or does Colossal Boy (or Micro Lad or whatever) looks way better, proportionally, if you mentally erase the random-looking brown quilting on his arms, neck, and head? Also, who designed that thing? The Constrictor? He looks like he's part-armadillo now.
• Chameleon (Boy?) is dressed for Ye Olde Renaissance Faire and I have no idea why. It's not an unattractive costume; it's merely generic and blandly colored.
• Sun Boy's still in his "pants on fire" costume which does absolutely nothing for me. For someone with an allegedly "dynamic" personality he sure looks insipid and tacky.
• Brainy's tunic rawks. I heartily approve! Let's hope he doesn't still have those dumb Bedazzled cheeks anymore.
• Shadow Lass's costume? Still slutty. I don't care if you put a grandly proportioned cape on her. I've seen hookers with floor-length mink coats; it didn't stop them from looking like hookers.
• Star Boy and Karate Kid? Been there, done that. Big yawn.
• Ultra Boy's costume is an old reliable, but at least it's not boring. Not sure about the cut-outs on his forearms. Maybe his forearms need the freedom to expand in battle, like they get really huge, like Popeye's. Also, I'm sure he'll pass that kidney stone eventually.
• Interesting variant on the classic Lightning Lad costume. Simple, but it works. And I applaud the absence of white on this version. It's actually kind of refreshing. Assuming that's not a printing error. For example, the lightning crackling from his hand has been rendered totally invisible, and it's making Saturn Girl's thighs look all wrinkly. And with this much yellow, I wonder if the navy blue should have been replaced with black. Or maybe a deep red! That'd be cool.
• Saturn Girl's costume got a deep, gravelly, rollicking laugh out of me because although I like it, I couldn't help thinking that in a Grant Morrison/Frank Quitely universe all the white bits would be exposed skin.
• Princess Projectra is still in her Count Jugula get-up with the stupid collar on it. Feh.
• Phantom Girl... yikes. I'm sorry, but the sheer number and placement of those cut-outs are just sad (and desperate). Whenever a group of people is ignoring her -- which is often -- she whips out the scissors and cuts another chunk out of her leotard. She's fast approaching the point of "no return," where she'll just be walking around buck-naked clutching a few scraps of fabric to her bosom and ladycrotch.

At Long Last, Spoken Dialog

So... what, precisely, do they really hope is... going to be all right? My guesses:

• The flight's beverage selection
• That goatee Tony keeps talking about growing
• The Stark Industries Theater Club production of "The Fantasticks"
• That new Waffle House they just built where that graveyard used to be
• The Wichita Chamber of Commerce's reaction to Tony's proposed Downtown Revitalization Project (i.e. legalized dogfighting, run by prostitutes)
• Marianne's insistence on wearing undergarments
• This week's episode of "Here's Lucy."

Marianne: Not Exactly Maya Angelou

Wait, he told her Iron Man was on the plane with him? Was that even necessary? And he's in a "room" on the plane? That's not even a good lie! (Is this when we were all supposed to figure out he's a Skrull?)

Or is Marianne just really bad at crafting poetic imagery? Her previous attempts:

1. "Why did you store Iron Man in the overhead bin?"
2. "Why did you have your personal chef bake Iron Man inside my Chicken Cordon Bleu?"
3. "Why is the in-flight movie a triple feature of 'Iron Man of a Mad Housewife', 'I Never Sang For My Iron Man' and 'Little Big Iron Man?'
4. "When is the captain going to turn on the 'No Iron Man' sign?"
5. "Why did the stewardess offer me a tiny bag of dry roasted Iron Man?"

If only Tony could tear his eyes away from that filthy connect-the-dots he's working on, maybe he'd notice she's upset!

Earth vs. the Flying Boozehound

Before the advent of notebook computers, air travelers had to use briefcases to cover up their socially-inappropriate boners!

So, assuming he's not waggling that red pen as a symbol of his constrained dingus (a true martyr for our time!) what is he's doodling? Is he...

1. Figuring out a way to maximize his own brooding?
2. Plotting his route to the airport bar (or Marianne's vagina)?
3. Drawing a mean-spirited, racist caricature of the Mandarin? (Admittedly, the Mandarin already was something of a racist caricature.)
4. Sequencing the DNA for what will be named "Scarlett Johansson"?
5. Diagramming Marvel's "Civil War" crossover, inadvertently creating a mathematical formula which proves there is no God?
6. Inventing the world's first voice de-activated bra clasp?

I'm stumped! What do you guys think he's scribbling?

Name That Tune

• "Every Breath You Take" (the Police)
• "One Way or Another" (Blondie)
• "Hungry Like the Wolf" (Duran Duran)
• "Obsession" (Animotion)
• "You Belong to Me" (Carly Simon)
• "Close to You" (the Carpenters)
• "Private Eyes" (Hall & Oates)
• "I Touch Myself" (the Divinyls)
• "I Wanna F*** You (Snoop Dog)

In Space, the Neighbors Can't Hear You Scream

In "Iron Man" #142 (January 1981) the Armored Alcoholic slips on an experimental new suit "designed for outer space action!"

Of course, we're talking about professional skankhound Tony Stark here, so "outer space action" has an entirely different meaning. In fact, Stark has many other euphamisms for "outer space action"! These include...

• "Repairing the Hubble"
• "One giant leap for my manhood"
• "Doin' it Dalek-style"
• "Jettisoning the booster rocket"
• "Going supernova" (wait a minute--! That's actually one of the Human Torch's euphamisms. My apologies.)
• Crashing the moon rover"
• "Opening the pod bay doors"
• "Checking for Tribbles"
• "Penetrating the wormhole"
• "Clearing the launchpad"
• "Tang" (just "Tang")
• "Shootin' Greedo"
• "Testing the effects of radiation on bean plants on behalf of a sixth grade science class" (yeah, I don't get that one either)
Aaaand, of course...
• "The Big Bang"

Uh-oh! Looks like somebody prematurely shot their space-wad, huh? That's okay. I'm sure she won't mind if you just cuddle for a whle.

Somewhere, Under the Scalpel

In "Lois Lane" #52 (October 1964) I came across conclusive evidence that Lucky, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun, has undergone plastic surgery. We all know what the "after" looks like. But check out the "before"!

Feck! Ol' Lucky's had more work done than Nicolas Cage! Let's see... he's had ear reduction surgery, tooth implantation, botox, and complete reconstruction of his upper skull to move his eyes further apart, as well as Clay Aiken-style hair lightening. Plus he took up weight training and he fired his old costumer! So I offer my most heartfelt kudos to Lucky. It takes a big wee man to admit his failings and to take adorably tiny steps to improve himself. That puts him way ahead of his compatriots, who are still in denial about their various conditions.

Examples? But of course!

• Cap'n Crunch: achondroplastic dwarfism
• Count Chocula: porphyria, microcephaly
• Quisp: hypertension
• Tony the Tiger: gynecomastia, a.k.a. "male breast enlargement"
• Toucan Sam: deviated septum
• Booberry: anemia. Also, he's dead.
• King Vitaman: hemophilia
• Frankenberry: rosacia
• Trix Rabbit: kleptomania and species dysmorphia
• Diggum: three-pack-a-day smoker
• The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chef: chronic flatulence
• Sugar Bear: third nipple
• Cookie Crook: converted to radical Wahabist sect of Islam while in the slammer, currently in Gitmo
• Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Cuckoo: meth addict

I could go on, but you get the idea. It's a pretty sick scene out there, in aisle five.

My favorite cereal mascot? Glad you asked! It's a handsome fella whose moniker just happens to be the same as the one I earned on my high school magno-ball team. Behold: Fruit Brute!

...Okay, so they never called me that on the court. Just in the locker room. And I was never technically a team member.

By the way, is anybody else kinda freaked out by this kid?

He looks like the "Island of Doctor Moreau" version of Alvin the Chipmunk.

Magenta Beach Towels Are The New Black

In "Eternals" #5 (December 2006) Ikaris and Thena are so dynamically wonderful that they can barely be bothered with disguises. Ikaris chose a brown trenchcoat, which is the best thing to wear when you want to send the subtle message "HEY LOOK AT ME I'M INCOGNITO!!!" (These garments are normally accessorized with a humongous "Spy Vs. Spy" sun hat, itself a great attention-getter since nobody in their right mind ever wears one.) Better yet, Ikaris didn't even bother buttoning the coat. Naw, he's rockin' it Gambit-style. But Thena has one-upped the levitating Lothario by simply draping a beach towel over her head!

Here are some other disguises Thena considered:
1. Groucho glasses
2. A sauce pan with two eyeholes drilled into it
3. Rainbow wig
4. Dr. Who scarf
5. Indian chief headdress
6. Hammer pants
7. Big foam cowboy hat
8. Hula skirt and coconut bra
9. Exact same suit of armor, only in bronze
10. Admiral's hat, made out of a strategically-folded newspaper
11. Oversized papier-mache version of her own head, like they wear at Carnival time
12. Romper Stompers
13. Rubber Frankenstein mask
14. Lee press-on nails
15. Those headband deals with the antennae on them, usually they end in big plastic stars or something and they kind of bobble around because they're on springs, you might see them at a little girl's birthday party, I don't know what they're called
16. Hotpants
17. Top hat and cane
18. Milk mustache
19. The front half of a pantomime horse costume (and Ikaris gets the back half)
20. "Frankie Say Relax" t-shirt

How To Duplicate Iron Man's Armor Without Really Trying

In "Iron Man" #1, a standard-issue mad scientist named Mordius (as opposed to Biff, Ernie, or Jo-Jo) manufactures some knock-offs of Iron Man's armor.

Ever go shopping for, say, a DVD player and wind up going with the Goldstar instead of the Sony because it's cheaper?

Yeah, this was kind of like that.

Other problems with the Mordius versions?

1. Sound effect made by the repulsor rays: "ZACHBRAAF!"
2. In some models, repulsor rays replaced by more economical but less helpful "delouser rays."
3. They're padded with comfy asbestos.
4. The shoulder joints utilize the finest in Snaptite technology.
5. No roller skates, but a unicycle pops out of the codpiece.
6. The helmets distort the wearer's voice so he sounds just like Paul Lynde.
7. Due to a flaw in the electromagnetic shielding, long-term use can cause brain damage. The symptoms: addictive behavior, priapism, and suddenly turning into a complete asshole for no good reason.
8. When you walk around, the segmented underwear makes a really loud "zhizzhh zhizzhh zhizzhh" noise, like corduroy pants do.
9. When disassembled, they somehow manage to take up even more space than before. They can't be stored in anything smaller than a steamer trunk.
10. If you have to pee, forget about it.
11. Can't recharge using American outlets unless you get the special voltage converter (sold separately).
12. One of the helmets stinks like rotten eggs. Probably because Mordius put an egg salad sandwich in there this one time and he forgot about it for like a week, man.
13. The boots all have a sort of low-rise heel and pointy toes that make them look a bit girly in my opinion.
14. Never feed them after midnight, and never get them wet.

On a personal note... since I'm from a far-flung era where all mankind lives in harmonious cooperation I don't celebrate this "Thanksgiving" everybody keeps talking about. So instead I'll be enjoying an intimate turkey supper at Clive Barker's house!

And You Smell Like One Too!

The man whose brow is all a-wrinkle is Bruce Wayne; the lady with the fifty-cent garland from Hobby Lobby on her head is, of course, Poison Ivy. This is her very first appearance (Batman #181, June 1966). Happy 40th birthday, Ivy! Although technically the comic was probably published in March 1966. Nevertheless, you still look positively ravishing. Must be that brow lift you got back in '02. Sure, at first you resembled a Romulan but I think it's settled quite nicely.

Could Bruce be any cattier about Ivy and her makeup? Yes. Yes, he could, and I'd like to help. I think you've got a good start with the passive-aggressive tone of your remark, but you need to follow it up with something bigger. Here are some ideas:

"And frankly, I'd applaud anything that will distract them from how limp and stringy your hair looks. Seriously, when was the last time you washed it? During the Eisenhower Administration?"

"Nice eyebrows, by the way. What did you use, a magic marker?"

"And you're asking your cigarette because... why?"

"You've got a mouth like a catfish and your eyes are way too far apart. Practically on either side of your head. I don't know if makeup is going to get the job done. Have you considered just wearing a ski mask all the time? Or maybe never leaving your house?"

Feel free to take any or all of these, Bruce. It's my free gift to you! Just for being so darned square-jawed and rugged.

Now let's look at Ivy's former rivals, who first and last appeared in this same comic. Unless you count their cameo appearance as a godawful "Riot Grrrrl" band in some retelling of Ivy's origin a few years back. Which I sure as hell don't. Presenting... the three most dangerous people in the entire world! They're not just random tarts in showgirl costumes. Honest.



On the left we have Dragon Fly, with her innovative "crotch louver" bathing suit. Say goodbye to yeast infections forever with adjustable slats that give your cooter an air of Film Noir mystery!

In the center, we have Silken Spider, who is wearing the standard nurse's uniform for the Tommy Lee Memorial STD wing at Cedars-Sinai. It's also what the maids have to wear at Charlie Sheen's house. I don't know why she's posing with a garbage can. Probably full of busted sex toys and empty bottles of lubricant.

And on the right we have Tiger Moth, who has just returned from yet another daring faux-fur robbery. Now she has enough to make some capri pants! I wonder if anyone explained to her that moths don't have bird wings. Of course, former "Top Model" contestants have believed that all birds are blind and that elephants are related to dinosaurs, so anything's possible.

Meanwhile, in the lower right-hand corner, the Alfred clone just cannot believe the size of that lolly-pop.

Pimp My Briefcase

When Denny O'Neil wrote this book, they could have used this same cover but replaced the gauntlet with a bottle of Jack Daniels. "Must... save... booooozzze...!"

The one thing about Iron Man that really strained my suspension of disbelief was that darn briefcase. I just couldn't buy that Iron Man could cram his entire suit of armor inside the thing! Powerful rockets and pop-out roller skates on the bottom of the boots? Sure, why not? A device on the palm of the glove that can blast through a brick wall and yet doesn't tear Iron Man's arm off with the recoil? If you say so, man... whatever. Just don't try to tell me that a man-size suit of armor that's able to withstand the impact of a bazooka shell is collapsible and can fit inside a briefcase. His name is Tony Stark, not George Jetson. Yeah, yeah, I know there've been countless nerdy schematics drawn up to try and support this crazy idea. "But the armor is really flexible!" the nerds squeak, pathetically. "It's like chainmail!" Yeah, not buyin' it.

On the cover to "Iron Man" #118 (January 1979), artist Bob Layton makes it appear that Tony Stark was already wearing the chest plate under his clothes, like he used to do in the Olden Times when he needed it to keep his heart from going kablooey. I like that idea... because it frees up more space in the briefcase! Not sure what that would do to the fit of his crisp designer suits, though. He'd have to wear big baggy shirts and jackets all the time. Like the Beyonder! (Ew.) And inside the comic, where Layton is finishing John Byrne's layouts, the actual scene is a bit different:



Do you believe that his entire suit of armor fit inside that dinky little briefcase? Well, good for you, because I sure as hell don't. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

So let's forget about the armor. What else do you think he managed to stuff in that briefcase? I'll start!

1. Fully-stocked sushi bar
2. Pint-sized homunculus valet, packed in dry ice
3. Hot tub!
4. Go-kart
5. Crystal chandelier
6. Pipe organ
7. Wig, mink coat, and one-of-a-kind Bob Mackie gown, for special "undercover" missions
8. A complete Sentinel robot. Just because he can.
9. One of the islands in the West Indies; I forget which one
10. His soul

Your turn!

Look, Ma, No Mouth!

A few weeks ago, Heikki Myllari sent me a very nice e-mail posing a very interesting question: "Since her (underrated) series ended just last month, I was wondering what you thought about the old-new Batgirl, and her S&M themed costume with the stitched-shut mask?"

I sent Heikki a reply a while back, but I wanted to address Batgirl's costume in length on my blog. And I'd like to offer Heikki a hearty thank-you for sending me the above image. I had no idea the outfit was designed by Alex Maleev. I was shocked. You could've knocked me over with a feather, I tell ya! Maleev is an artist I like, except for his tendency (if I recall correctly) to use photocopied panels every now and then in talking scenes. Y'know, those bits in the comic where a person is standing there with the exact same position and expression in three or four panels straight, babbling some Claremont-speak or rambling away with some of that "Get to the freaking point or as God is my witness I'm going to stab your boring ass" Bendis-talk.

Heikki said that one retailer has remarked that his customers found Batgirl's costume offputting. It is awfully solemn and mannish. I wonder... if the comic had starred "Alessandro Cain" instead of Cassandra Cain, would the average male customer have liked the costume more? I have no problem with superheroine costumes looking intimidating, but I do think there is a disconnect between the costume and the "girl" part of her codename. I hear "Batgirl" and I'm expecting something that could be reasonably worn by Betty Cooper or Hilary Duff. So in that light, the costume is unnecessarily serious. Not to mention boring. I think restricting the yellow to that ridiculously chunky belt and a mere outline around the bat-symbol was a big mistake.



The costume really falls apart with the cowl. I have no problem with cowls that cover the entire face -- the Black Panther, the White Tiger, the Atom -- those are great. Batgirl's cowl, however, has some very conspicuous stitching around the mouth. Which is stupid. Because this stitching is nowhere in evidence on the rest of her costume. Most superhero costumes are drawn like they're painted onto the body. Even if they're drawn with wrinkles and folds and such, stitching is almost never indicated. In Batgirl's case, the stitching implied that the section of fabric covering the mouth was going to be dramatically ripped away at some point. Now, I didn't follow the "No Man's Land" books so I have no idea if that actually happened when the Huntress was wearing that costume or not. But my point is, it looks like it was meant to be impermanent, and yet it never went away. Some artists would even exaggerate the stitching's theatricality by making it huge, like Batgirl had sewn her costume using very fine thread for most of it and then switched to half-inch nylon rope for the cowl.

My big question is, why did Cassandra feel she had to hide her mouth behind that thing? What was she concealing? My guesses?

1. Seriously chapped lips
2. Subcutaneous acne
3. Receding gums
4. Light, downy mustache
5. Snaggletoof
6. Harelip
7. Stank breath, y'all
8. Her tongue piercing (trust me, Batman is a hard-core douche when it comes to that kind of thing)
9. Big snapping mandibles because OH MY GOD she has the head of a giant ant!
10. Love-bite from Jason Todd

Or, y'know, somethin' like that.

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Infinity Of Infinity

Yes, who doesn't enjoy eating an entire roast chicken and then washing it down with a strawberry milkshake? (That's a typical Sunday brunch in Storm Boy's time bubble!) Of course, in the very next panel the Beyonder magically makes himself buff again. No fancy equipment or gym memberships for him! Jerk. That's from "Secret Wars 2" #3. In issue #9, this happens:



I have got to get myself one of those things. "Hmm, what could I go for about now? Coffee? Nah. A bagel mini-pizza? Mmm, nope. A taut, well-hung adult male? Yeah, that'd hit the spot. I'll just mosey on over to the kitchen and -- HEY! Who forgot to clean out the machine from last time?!" If you squint real hard at the first panel, you'll find that the Beyonder's sense of modesty makes a Wahabist mullah look like Sean Connery in Zardoz. Behold: fetal underpants! Because no ultrasound technician wants to be exposed to that.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! Cozmic, especially! Yah-tah-tah-dah! (plays regal fanfare with a comb and tissue paper)



The Beyonder, you get off of Mr. Weatherbee's desk this instant!

Good gravy, whatever could those dopey things on the Beyonder's shoulders be for? I can only guess...

1. Ultra-high performance air filters, improving the Beyonder's fuel economy by 3-4 mpg.
2. Organizes his CD collection.
3. Strains plankton from the ocean.
4. Intimidates his enemies by resembling big, toothy frowns.
5. Continuously blast "Hungry Like The Wolf" at ear-splitting decibels.
6. Can be used for launderin' yer gingham nightgown down at the ol' crick.
7. Perform three big, show-stopping numbers in "Little Shop Of Horrors."
8. Are used by Smurfs as luxury skyscraper apartments.
9. Great for garnishing seven-foot tall, chrome-plated glasses of iced tea.
10. If the Beyonder makes you mad, just pull a lever on his back and they snap shut, turning his head into scrumptious deli-thin slices of luncheon meat.

*phew* That's all I've got on "Secret Wars 2" for a while. It's back to the usual random assortment of junk next week. Have a great weekend!