Make Way For Masturbation Lad!

Or "Shadow Puppet Kid" if you insist the joke be tasteful. (What are you, the Pope? Jesus Christ!)

Behold the majesty of yet another "designer original" by my dear friend Storm Boy, whose relentlessly literal thinking is matched only by Anya from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and, of course, Alex Ross. This particular costume is from his Minimalist Period (March 5th through March 13th, 2972) and I think it shows impressive restraint on his part. It's not even pointy, and you know how much he loves that shit. However, ol' Stormy went too far in the other direction and made it boring. And then there's that goofy handprint on the tunic. So Karate Kid fights with his hands... big deal! He also uses his feet. So why didn't Storm Boy put a footprint on there, too? Hell, why didn't he just cover the whole damn thing with footprints and connect them with dotted lines, like one of those charts that shows you how to dance the mambo? Holy balls.

Fun fact: Storm Boy submitted a similar design to Timber Wolf, only the hand's thumb was raised and the index finger was folded back. (Think about it.) I don't think he ever heard back from the guy.

Pretension Around The Collar

Now that's what I call a bathrobe! It's a beaut. A real "Sunday-go-ta-meetin'" kind of bathrobe. You wouldn't take that thing into the john with you, no sir! And you couldn't go to sleep in it, either, 'cause you might roll over onto your side, and then the collar would shatter and the pieces would cut the holy bejeebus out of your face. And I'm pretty sure they're made of asbestos.

This delightful garment was worn by Karate Kid in "Legion of Super-Heroes" #288, (June 1982). Artwork by Keith Giffen, back in the brief, glorious time before all his characters looked like chainsaw sculptures. And yeah, the implication in that story is it's a ceremonial robe or somethin' along those lines, since his girlfriend Princess Projectra was about to be crowned Queen of the Entire Freaking Planet of Orando. But I think it was just a bathrobe, and that Karate Kid (the Keven Federline in this situation) told the higher-ups there, "Hey, I'm the future queen's boyfriend, assholes, so I'm gonna wear whatever shit I want to wear, and you are gonna suck it!" Hell, the robe probably has "PIMP" spelled out on the back. In rhinestones.

Now, maybe you think I'm being silly about this. "How can this fancy, uncomfortable thing be a bathrobe?" you ask, the corner of your mouth twitching with impatience for my shenanigans. And I would say, yes, it doesn't look comfortable! Yes, it does look like it's about to eat him alive! But check out what folks on Orando call an "easy chair."



I rest my case.