Archie Andrews: Origin

Strange... the poor deranged fellow has been scampering about the Canadian woods for months now and there's still nary a wisp of hair 'pon his apple cheeks. Even creepier? He has no nipples. (Where do I put the alligator clamps?)

Ah,well. Sooner or later, Mister Weatherbee's goons will throw a net over him and drag his ass screaming back to Weapon X Memorial High School.

Donna Bummer

The superheroes had no idea what they were in for. Sure, they've battled giant monsters and techno-armored dictators and armadas of spaceships, but that's nothing compared to a Dazzler concert!



So, just half an hour in that Wasp-designed fashion bungle and the heat from the She-Hulk's radioactive rack is causing the cheap red dye to dissolve and drift through the auditorium in a deadly fog. What's that strange smell? Why, it's the acrid stench of a class-action lawsuit! Say, maybe the Dazzler's attorney ex-boyfriend, a.k.a. Gerald McBrainy (from the law offices of Simon & Simon) can lend a hand!

In case you never read "Dazzler" #21 (and may the Good Lord bless you and keep you if you have) I'll just say that the Dazzler is onstage for two whole freaking hours, rollerskating and thrusting and shaking her ass and putting her legs behind her head and, not that anybody really noticed, "singing" if you can call it that. And then it's time for her to get serious and do a syrupy ballad, while all the men in the 1982 audience start to put on their Members Only jackets or maybe just awkwardly sit there and wish somebody would invent a miniature portable telephone/computer they could use to play video blackjack and check the basketball scores.



"You see, I'm totally hyper tonight..." But that's probably just the diet pills talking. The lyrics make Diane Warren seem like Trent Reznor by comparison, but at least letterer Janice Chang has done her level best to make them illegible. Either that, or the jaunty kerning is meant to convey just how dreadful the Dazzler's singing really is. I'm guessing she manages to cover several octaves with each syllable.

Middle panel: guest-starring as the Dazzler's father, it's cult film star Bruce Campbell! Behind him, I think it's that kid with the stupid "heart" power from the Captain Planet cartoons.



Best. Reaction shot. Ever. Even the most battle-hardened superhero recoils in horror at the Dazzler's singing. I bet if Wolverine had been there (the X-Men missed the concert because they were "in space"... or at least that's they claimed) there would have been a little trickle of pee running down one of his furry legs. Oh, and Hawkeye seems to have been replaced by a bad guy from a Jonny Quest cartoon. And yes, the Dazzler's backup band did indeed consist of "Beefer, Hunch, and Marx." I suppose Hardrock, Coco, and Joe had another gig. And with the final three panels, writer Danny Fingeroth transduces the script into...

hackneyed...

overwrought...

maudlin...

stomach-churning...

crap.

Nineteen Hate-y Four

So I bought the first issue of the new Eternals comic yesterday. And I used one of Jeremy's credit cards, which means I also treated myself to a pedicure and a massage and brunch at a nice restaurant. Really, I made a whole day of it! Anyway, when I saw John Romita Jr.'s depiction of Sersi, with the Suzanne Somers bangs and the great wads of mascara, I suffered a flashback to my very own Vietnam -- namely the X-Men comics he drew over twenty years ago! The feminine portion of the X-Men have always been burdened with god-awful costumes, and Junior was responsible for more than his share. How many different costumes did he design just for Rogue? Twenty? Three hundred? And each was fuglier than the last. That's quite an accomplishment. Let's take a glance at a few frightful designs from John Romita, Jr.'s Galleria of Horrors.



(From "The Uncanny X-Men" #177, January 1984.) You think my fashion criticism can be merciless? At least I don't kill people. I wonder if Wolverine dispatched her with an 80's movie-style quip, like "Disco is dead. *snikt* And so are you."

To be perfectly honest, this isn't Wolverine; it's Mystique. And it isn't Kitty Pryde, either; it's one of Arcade's Murderworld robots. So I don't know if Kitty really had an outfit like that, or if it's something a guy in an oversize novelty bowtie thinks she might wear. (He's right on the money if you ask me.)

Oh, and inside the comic the costume is colored a reasonably tasteful blue-and-white. But yellow, magenta and brown is also a fine combination. If you're a chocolate cupcake.



(From "The Uncanny X-Men" #282, June 1984.) It's Rogue-y the Flying Squirrel! I suppose that blinding orange is to keep hunters from shooting at her. How do you know when a woman doesn't like people to touch her? When she's wearing a cowl neck over a turtleneck. It makes her sweater look like it's been circumcized. This ensemble also features two of Romita The Lesser's favorite things, like, ever: tights and a sash. Lotta tights in the 80's X-Men comics. Ditto for sashes. This sash isn't as brazenly huge as a Dave Cockrum sash, but it's still grandly pointless. The down side? If Rogue flies backwards it snaps up and smacks her in the kisser. Although she's really kind of asking for it.



(From "The Uncanny X-Men" #189, January 1985.) It's Rachel Summers in "The Trampiest Gun In The West!" Hey look, a sash. What complimentary things can I say about this look? Er... um... at least she doesn't have her signature mullet. Okay, I'm done. The part I cropped out had Amara "Fire Crotch" Aquila wearing nothin' but lava, and Selene in her insanely slutty "Black Queen" costume (leather bondage gear, approved whole-heartedly by the Comics Code Authority.)

Wait a gol-dang minute... I thought Rachel had a buzzcut! What's with the sensible "farm wife" 'do? Is this a continuity error? Nope! It's all a hallucination.



See, this is what Rachel dreams of wearing. Kind of like how Jeremy dreams of having a 32" waist. Can somebody explain the sash to me? Because I don't understand the point of it. At least on Rogue's get-up it cinched that gargantuan sweater she was wearing and gave her an hourglass figure, but with Rachel the color doesn't coordinate and it interrupts the lines on her bodice without providing an interesting contrast to them. In fact, it's like she doesn't even realize she's wearing it. Maybe it's police tape, and her vagina is a crime scene.

That concludes our tour of the Galleria. The exit is to your left, and please take care not to slip in the vomit of your fellow patrons as you leave. Good day to you all!

The Composite Doorman

(From "Mad About Millie Special" #1, Marvel, November 1971.) What a horrifying apparition! And what awesome power he must wield in this odd, amalgamated form! From top to bottom I count:
1. General Zod's hat
2. Wolverine's sideburns
3. Ultimate Wolverine's fey little beard
4. Captain Nazi's epaulets
5. The Phantom Stranger's gold-plated disco medallion
6. Gorilla Grodd's torso
7. Little Dot's favorite pajamas, and
8. Jesus' sandals

Any additions or corrections will be welcomed with open arms.

Letters From A Henchman, Part Two: Evil On Parade

Dear Gladys,

I ben in prison again for two hole months now and you never come seen me or wrote me or nothing so I am writing you a new letter to say how come. Maybe you never got the last letter I sent you so to sum up, since I got outta prison I racked up some pretty heavvy gambeling debts but then I gotta job to pay them off only the job was for this supervillain named "Meeraj" and he was gonna kidnap the Thing from a hospitle but it turns out Meeraj ain't that good a supervillain and long story short we got caught and I'm in prison again. Also I asked you to send some mackaroons for me and my cell mate Fabian cause it turns out we both like mackaroons. But in case you DID get my last letter then you remmember how I said I would tell you what happenned when I was in that big supervillain army that was in all the papers so here goes.

Like I told you before Daredevil was beating the holy hell outta us henchmen but then Meeraj decides he is gonna take him on singlehanded and he uses his illuzhun deal to make dooplickets of himself so I elbow this other guy Charlie and I say "This hole jobs gone south so whaddaya say we make a break for it" and Charlie says "Thats a pretty good idea." So we take off those dumb head gear things Meeraj made us wear and we just stroll around the corner easy as you please trying to disguise our limps and trying to make sure none a the bloody teeth Daredevil knocked loose fall outta our mouths and also we pass a supply closet so Charlie and me slip in there real quick and put on some operating pajamas over our bad guy outfits and next thing you know we are near the front door. Oh and meanwhile a bunch a other crap is going on like Thor fighting the Mole Man so its not like people are paying any attenshun to us anyway. But right outside the front doors is four cops with guns and me and Charlie deside to double-back but then this guy in a black catfish mask or something knocks them all out with a gas grenade and we figger he's gonna walk right in thru the doors but instead he blasts a hole in the wall NEAR the doors and walks thru THAT which is just stupid. And then he gets punched in the kisser by Ant Man and then ants attack and he runs away. And then Ant Man flies off so we finally can make it outside and I am thinking we are home free but then we run smack dab into this guy named "The Melter" who right away can tell we are henchmen so he pretty much orders us to join his supervillain army. And I know what you say Gladys about how I shud stand up for myself more but I was really stuck there, I mean I don't got no super powers and the other guy was named "The Melter" which told me right then and there that if I did'nt do what he said he was gonna melt something offa me like maybe an arm or even my head. So the Melter marches us thru a alley to a old department store that nobody was using and it is filled to the gills with bad guys. I see a lotta guys I seen on teevee before like the Constrickter and the Rhino and the Beatle and Blacklash plus that one guy with the big giant head and the Pete Rose haircut, M.U.R.D.O.C.K. or whatever. And also my cell mate Fabian was there! Only I did'nt know it at the time since we had'nt met yet and also he was in a suit of armer and he called hisself the Meckano Marawder. Anyway some a them had already got their tails kicked in the hospitle but they figgered strenth in numbers so why not just head back down there in a mob? So we did.

Well I wish I could say we were a scary site but to tell the truth a lotta the guys were kinda chubby and out a shape espeshully the Constrickter and even the ones who were halfway fit were dressed like freaking circus clowns like Blacklash and that dumb green Judy Jetson ponytail of his or the Melter and his two-tone stripey pants and teeny helmet or even my pal Fabian who had a suit that made him look like a robot version of our nations capital. And then the women were'nt even hot or nothing they were wresslers I guess so they had man sholders and these huge fat asses and I swear that one lady Poundcakes even had what looked to me like a shlong. Oh and the only skinny one was Screaming Mimi but she was even dressed EXACKTLY like a clown with the face paint and the ruffly skirt like Cyndi Lauper and you know how much I valew our merrage Gladys so let me confess right here and now that yes I was thinking about putting the moves on her but then it ockurred to me how much I love you and also she came off as kinda twitchy and crazy and like a real ball cutter if you know what I mean so I left well enuff alone. So anyway we are marching down the street and me and Charlie are stuck in the back with the Mole Man's guys plus I have to walk right behind the Rhino who smells like our Naugahyde couch after that one time when your brother Freddie got drunk and peed hisself so already I can tell this whole mess is not going to turn out good. And alla the people on the sidewalks are pointing at us and gabbing and they look real ecksited but they do'nt look scared or nothing cause like I said we ressemballed a parade more than a army. That one guy M.U.R.D.O.C.K. even FLOATS like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon. If I remmember it rite I think one kid even yelled at us and wanted to know why we were'nt throwing any candy. And then we don't even make it back inside the hospitle cause there is a ekwally big army of superheros waiting for us right outside the doors and then we all throw down.

There were some good guys I reckognized like Captin America and the Fantastick Four but also a bunch I never seen before or at least if I did I do'nt remmember which cud be from all the times they knocked me in the head. Like there was this metal guy in red hip-waders and this furry blue guy with a devil tail and also the HULK was there if you can belive it even tho I still ca'nt cause I did'nt even know the Hulk WAS a good guy since he mainly just runs around destroying shit and also is'nt the US GOVERMENT looking for him rite now? I mean it'd be like if the cops in London were shooting at some bank robbers and then the Irish Republickan Army shows up and says to the cops "Hey can we help?"

So in the fight a couple a our guys get taken out right away like Meeraj OF COURSE and also the Melter which is just sad since the whole clusterfuck was HIS IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE but by then we are in the middle of it so we ca'nt just turn tail and run. Me and Charlie are just doing our best to stay out a the way, ducking and dodging and shit and then Thor nails Fabian right in the belly but he manages to get a few shots off which is cool but the only fighters he took out with them are the Mole Man's guys so that's like minus points for our team. Now I am not one hunderd percent positiv this next part happened like I saw it so bear with me but I coulda sworn Spider-Man shot a web outta his CROTCH and rode the Rhino around like a bull at a rodeo, anyways thats what it looked like from my angle. Also this short hairy-armed guy in a ugly orange and brown outfit is fighting Blacklash using KNIVES on his hands so I guess he's another villain who got confused like Fabian did. I bet his face is read now! The last thing I remmember this orange Bigfoot guy I never seen before lifts some robot guy I never seen before over his head and then M.U.R.D.O.C.K. shoots a squiggly laser outta his noggin and lifts the Bigfoot guy offa the ground and tosses him like twenty feet thru the air and guess who he lands on? Yours truly. Not to menshun the Bigfoot guy got knocked out so I'm trapped underneath him with his knee-length pubes in my mouth until the cops show up.

So now I'm in jail again. Gladys I know we had our problems but I miss you and to tell you the truth what scares me most is how much I DO'NT MIND seeing no women around here. Fabian is great and we can talk for hours and hours or sometimes we just look at each other which is nice too since he has these really good looking eyes and a nice smile and his back massahges are the BEST but you are my wife and we will always have that. So please come and see me here real soon okay? I love you.

Your faithfull husband,
Lenny

P.S. Don't forget the mackaroons.

My Most Daring Fashion Intervention Yet

"New barber?" "Short?" Who on God's green earth could that sniper be referring to?

This is from "Wolverine and the Punisher" #2 (November 1993). Way-out artistic interpretation of Wolverine by Gary Erskine.

So the mutant healing factor provides no defense against bad hair days, huh? If Wolverine was a real person -- and haven't we all masturbated about that? -- I suppose this is how his hair would be. Greasy, tangled, and reeking of cigar smoke. None of those achingly dated "animal ear" points. (Wolverine won a Timberwolf Scholarship to the Cain And Abel School of Cosmetology!)

But seriously... Wolvie! Er, may I call you Wolvie? No? Fine. And please move your claws away from my jugular vein. Many thanks. Seriously, Mister Wolverine, you're a mess. Run a brush through that rat's nest and apply some product. Or at least tie it back in a ponytail -- I'm pretty sure I've seen you do that before. And stop slouching! It looks like you have a hump. And about your clothes -- when you're short and stocky, loose-fitting clothes are a huge no-no. They make you look a good fifty pounds heavier. Look at yourself here. You look fat! You're not fat. You've got washboard abs, for Pete's sake! Not that you can tell in this little ensemble. And the whole "civilian clothes over superhero costume" thing just ain't workin'. Not when you can see the costume poking out. You don't see painters wearing tanktops over their coveralls, do ya? Or Marines wearing cut-off jeans over their crisply pressed dress trousers. I know you know this. It's like you're just stumbling around in a daze here. SNAP OUT OF IT!

Yeah, that and the hair.

I Always Suspected As Much

Two of my greatest suspicions have been confirmed.
1. I couldn't possibly be the only person who wears undergarments with his own face on them.
2. Wolverine is smoother than a Ken doll!

Jeebus, dude, who talked you into getting your chest waxed? Because that person was not your friend.

Anyway, the weird shapelessness of Wolverine's crotchal region inspired me to pen this one-act play:

Horny Ninja Alien Princesses 38

Cast:
Wolverine: Himself
Princess Nil'ja'dri'mor: Dame Judi Dench

Setting: the sumptuously appointed stateroom of Princess Nil'ja'dri'mor, aboard her living space-yacht, the Aetherrunner. The Princess and Wolverine enter, passionately kissing, and make their way towards her bed, slamming into walls and knocking things off tables as they go.

Princess: Tomorrow we fight what may well be our final battle against the Sl'wev'ghr in the heart of the B'mil'hov'nor Galaxy! But tonight... we love!

Wolverine: Daddy needs some candy, baby! Let's do this thang!

Princess (uses her fantastic alien strength to rip Wolverine's belt off, and then starts to pull down his tights): Let's get you out of these dumb ol' clothes! Tee hee!

Wolverine (pulls back): Whoa! Whoa! Er, doesn't it seem kind of bright in here? It's kinda ruining the mood.

Princess: Oh, you want the lights out?

Wolverine (grins devilishly): The Wolverine only comes out at night, baby! Grrrowff!

Princess: Anything for you, my regal warrior.

(She claps her hands twice and the lights go out. The pair are illuminated only by the faint glow of swiftly passing stars.)

Wolverine: Phew! (nervously fans self with his hands) Omigod that was so scary!

Princess: What?

Wolverine: Just talking to myself. Because I'm crazy! I slice men into ribbons with my sweet-ass claws 'cause I'm mean-mad with the bloodlust! I'M WOLVERINE, BABY!!! AAAARRROOOOOO!!!

Princess: Take me, you hairy alien lunatic! Take me now! The Princess commands you! (She pulls down his tights, and finds a pair of Hanes boxers underneath with Wolverine's image on them.) Okay. Weird. Well, off they go, too!

Wolverine (grabs her arms): Not so fast there, slick. That porthole over there... don't you have some draperies or something we can cover that up with? I really need for it to be totally dark in here. I can't explain why but it's just very important to me.

Princess: No, no draperies. Quit stalling! Your Princess wants some of that strange Earth lovin'!

Wolverine: Hey, look! There's an armoire right next to it! If we each took one side, we could move it in front of the porthole and voila! Problem solved! Or maybe we could use that extra sheet over there as a sort of impromptu window treatment... (he begins to flop-sweat)

Princess: Relax, lover! Nobody can see us here! (she yanks down the boxers) Now, I'm going to show you pleasure like you've -- huh. Ha! HAW HAW HAW! You have got to be freaking kidding me! It's like a little Vienna sausage! Oh, lordy! Wait'll I tell my handmaidens about-- (Wolverine disembowels her)

(curtain falls)