Letter From A DC Henchman

Dear Glynda,

Hello from prison. How are you today? I am fine. Eckcept I been having them dreams again abbout living on another Earth where Im still in the henching game only my name is diffrent and there aint no Superman or Bat-Girl or nothing like that and insted the superheros are all WHINY and MEAN. And you are there too also Glynda but your name isnt the same ether and your a blond which dont look too good on you but Im thinking may be your sister put you up to it cause shes always pulling that kind of busybody crap no offence.

So this time I got braught in by Green Arrow and Speedy who dont even run too fast so I dont know WHY they call him that. And it was all going real good at first before everything went south on us so I'm kinda heartbroke about the hole thing. See instead of just being a henchman where theres some sort of main guy who tells you what to do all the time and treats you like crap and pays you peanuts I joined up with the "Shark Gang" which is more like a group type deal where we take turns being the leader only its not communism so dont be getting any ideas. And it was even going to be my turn this week can you beat THAT? Anyway. I knew this guy Robbie from when we both henched for Captain Cold and Robbie was already in the Shark Gang and he rememmberd that one time Flash made a tornadoe come outta his ass and it flung me into the Central City kiddie pool which is like the size of Hudson Bay and I didnt drown at ALL which made an impresshun on him I guess. So he invited me into the Shark Gang! It was a pretty sweet deal all things considered since the costumes were comfterbul and easy to wear and you know how the shoe salemens always say I got a "high instep" whatever the hell THAT is and its real hard to find shoes that fit me but the boots and flippers and stuff I got to wear just fit like a glove and were real comfy plus I got to put on a green see-thru shark helmet which I wished I coulda kept cause it woulda made a swell Halloween mask at Halloween time but the policeman said no. Oh and the very best part of all was I got to drive around on a shark-mobile which goes underwater at about ninedy miles per hour oh Glynda it was the BEST.



So youd think we were set for life since the only heros in town were Green Arrow and Speedy and what the hell could THEY do underwater? We made our haul and got away from them lickety split but then HALF A DAY later those crumb bums show up AGAIN only now theyre all in a yellow submarine. A yellow submarine... A YELLOW SUBMARINE! And to top it off they got these cross bow deals like for harpooning DOLFINS or whatever and so it was "here I go again" once they started coming at us with the fancy gimick weapens.



First they shoot a cloud of ink or something at us and its probably honest to God octapus ink like harvested from the ink udders of ACKTUAL OCTAPUS and its worth like fifty gazillyun dollars if they got the dough to just haul out a blasted SUBMARINE at the drop of a hat. And just when I wrapped my brain around THAT they blind everybody with some kinda glow-worm arrow and everything is a white hazy blur but I can still see the gas gage on the shark-mobile dashboard jerk from "full" to "empty" cause even tho it looks sleek as all get out its really a peice of CRAP like probably made in HONG KONG for a dollar each for all I know so I tell Robbie on the speshul underwater radio mike that we need to turn sharktail and make a run for it and I hope the radio dont fall apart TOO like the shark-mobile is falling apart and THEN of course some NEW crap comes shooting out of the ink cloud. Guess what it was. No GUESS.



GLUE. So now the shark-mobile is all gummed up and Im sinking like a stone and I get my feet outta the stirrups but one of my boots comes off and a sunfish comes along and BITES my foot which Im thinking cant be a co-incidense like maybe Aquaman is hiding behind a rock or something and laughing his ass off but I shrug it off and swim up to the surface and as Im doing that I see the guys on the boat snagged Green Arrow and Speedy with these big ole fish hooks so Im thinking now everythings going to turn out great you know? But by the time I crawl up on the boat Green Arrow and Speedy have zonked everybody out with elecktricity and Jo-Jo is layed out on the deck with this huge welt on his face and Clancy is twitching and jerking like one of those new dance crazes the kids like so much only his eyes are closed so I knew something was wrong and Im pretty sure Dugan's HEART had STOPPED but I dont think Green Arrow and Speedy have noticed or maybe they don't care cause theyre all busy pumping theyr fists and saying "Woo!" and "Yeah!" and theyre belly-bumping eachother and then Green Arrow goes into this crazy dance thing where hes doing the DUCK WALK like hes Chuck Goddam BERRY and its just INSANE. And then finally the coast guard shows up and they take everybody whose still ALIVE back to jail and Dugan and Clancy are packed off to the morg and so now Im writing you this letter.

So its same old same old for me I guess eckcept for those dreams I just tole you about. Oh and also that one dream I have where Im Superman and I find the great big strawberry dackery but you already know about that one.



Please take care of yourself while Im gone and Ill get out of here as soon as I can.

Your loving husband,
Manny

Moral Realignment Challenge: Green Arrow And Clock King

Jeremy finally consented to let me have my own Flikr account, so everything's a go!



Look out! Green Arrow's got a Mulling It Over arrow! Hmmmm...

Maybe that joke was lame, but it's not nearly as lame as Clock King's costume. He's dressed for scuba diving, for Chrissake! There's nothing intimidating about him at all, other than the fact you can't see his face, and the notion that he's so batshit crazy that he thought that costume was a good idea. Does he need a costume redesign? But of course. But he's a bad guy, so I could only live with myself if I did it hypothetically. Unlike my other costume designs, which really happened. So let's put him and that dirty hippie Green Arrow in the Moral Realignment Challenge! That's the one where I switch the roles of a hero and a villain and imagine how they might have appeared in the world of comics.

Let's go!

Excerpted from the essay "Changing Times: Clock King In The 60's" from "Alter Ego" #38 (2004) published on Earth-P:



"...and most notably, bringing in leggy France Nguyen to replace Barbara Eden in the role of the Black Canary. But even these tweaks couldn't increase the show's popularity with a viewing public that had grown tired of camp -- and only halfway through its fourth season, the 'Clock King' television program was canceled.

The Mechanically-Minded Marvel continued to enjoy success in his original medium of comics. By 1968, Clock King was featured in five monthly DC publications. In addition to 'Clock King' and 'Inventive Comics', he was a member in good standing of 'The Six Scouts Of Triumph' and enjoyed team-ups with Calendar Man in 'All-Time Finest Comics' and with a rotating slate of guest-stars in a former Western title, 'The Big Hand And The Little Hand.'

Still, the swift demise of Clock King's TV show weighed heavily on the minds of DC staffers. For years, they had intentionally mimicked the program's light, comedic tone in their comics. Now, they worried that the comic book audience was going to turn on the character just as the television audience had done. In a weekend-long brainstorming session, plans were laid out to dramatically overhaul the character. Familiar gimmicks such as his boxing glove cuckoo clock and his sundial hover-discs were scrapped. Stories would return Clock King to his pulp-era roots, placing a much stronger emphasis on his detective skills, and reestablishing his personality as a curmudgeonly genius with an obsession for order and logic.* To signal Clock King's new direction, he was given a visual makeover courtesy of superstar artist Neal Adams. Adams discarded many of the lingering Golden Age elements of the costume, including the trunks, the enormous sash, the large 'K' on his chest, and even his crown! Clock King's new look featured Roman numerals, sleeker boots and gloves, a new cape inspired by the Elizabethan era, and -- quite startling for the time -- a fanciful, three-pronged beard. The beard, while undoubtedly quite regal, was also a blatant marketing ploy by DC to appeal to the college-age market. Although the letter columns were beset by angry fans demanding to know how Clock King could wear such distinctive facial hair in both his superheroic and civilian identities without anyone noticing, DC's editors refused to address the issue. Within a year, most readers seemed to have accepted the situation, perhaps chalking it up to 'the magic of comics.'



DC launched Clock King in his 'Startling New Direction' (as the cover blurbs on his comics phrased it) with 'Inventive Comics' #381 (October, 1968). The classic story pitted him against one of the most lurid foes of the hero's early days.

The Green Arrow was a ghastly, violent figure, and had appeared in comics only once before. As told in "Inventive Comics" #30 (August, 1939), the Green Arrow was originally a mortal man named Oliver Queen. Queen, a dashing but arrogant sportsman, knowingly trespassed on a sacred Native American burial ground while bow-hunting and was cursed by a 'savage witch-doctor.' The archer was struck dead on the spot, only to be resurrected as a zombie-like killing machine who would systematically murder nearly every member of his family. The gruesome tale concluded with Clock King crushing the monster within the workings of a printing press.

The 1968 story, with a script by Bob Haney and artwork by Adams, reintroduced Oliver Queen as a corrupt millionaire who had dropped dead of a heart attack while lobbying to dump chemical waste in a reservation. Reanimated by his own bigotry, the new version of Green Arrow embarked on a killing spree of every Native American who had ever opposed his business interests, framing a handsome young activist for the crimes. Clock King cleared the man's name, punched a rabid coyote in the face, crushed the Green Arrow's living corpse beneath a totem pole, delivered a stirring speech on tolerance and jumped over a gorge in a souped-up dune buggy.

*The quirkier, more fairy-tale aspect of Clock King would not be seen again until 2002, when his two surviving comics were helmed by Grant Morrison and Neal Gaiman.

...Yes, my Clock King redesign is very "Royal Flush Gang" but I can't help it; I just love their look so much! The same goes for Jack Of Hearts. I originally was going to put clock hands on his chest but it looked too busy. And the beard, for me, was the icing on the cake. Green Arrow's beard comes to two points? Clock King's comes to three! Take that, hippie! As for Green Arrow himself, I thought about going the right-wing paramilitary route with him or making him a Manson-type hippie cult leader. But I didn't want to make him look too similar to Evil Flash. And then I hit on the Solomon Grundy riff and everything clicked. The Silver Age costume for Clock King, by the way? I don't honestly think it looks good. (Trunks over tights? *shudder*) I just wanted to show what he might have looked like as an old-fashioned hero.