Umar Mongers

In "What If" #40 (August 1983) Doctor Strange's enemy, the Unspeakable Umar, gets a radical makeover courtesy of artist Jackson "Butch" Guice. On the left is Umar's traditional look, rendered by Paul Smith in "Doctor Strange" #69 (February 1985) and on the right is Guice's version.

Whoo, mama! Umar, you saucy tramp, I didn't think you had it in you! And by "it" I mean crabs. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a vast improvement over Dark Crystal Gayle over there, who needs to get back to her community theater production of "The King & I" pronto. For reals, she looks like the Michael Jackson Pepsi accident all over again, only with Lady Thiang. "Here is a man who thinks with his heart, his heart is not always-- AAAAIIEEEE! Good GOD! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"

Nope, the Guice version is much prettier, what with the cute gauzy skirt and the more realistic flaming crown and the bangles and such. That said, the silhouette is just way too slutty. What's with the arrow cut-out that points to her Unspeakable cooter? (I guess Umar really is queen of the nether regions!) If I didn't know any better, I'd think the Wasp had a hand in this. Or up it. Speaking of which... that pet, whatever the hell it is? It's getting a bit familiar, wouldn't you say? I'm no prude, but even I'm squicked out by the notion of training an animal to finger bang you. (And you just know some of those rich old society matrons with the teacup chihuanuas have thought about that on more than one occasion.)

Hey, how's about a close-up?

Ah, another glimpse into Guice's record collection. I wonder who this is. My guess? Laura Branigan. "Clea, you're always on the run now...!"