Mr. Talk Answers Your Questions

We have no life here at AT, so if you happen to be a parent of a child I teach, feel free to email me at any time, day or night, and expect an immediate response. Because many of the emails I receive on the account so generously given me by the DOE are similar, I thought it might save time if I answered some of the more common ones here.

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Dear Mr. Talk,

I noticed that my child got a U for conduct. Perhaps you are unaware that Johnny received a Nobel Prize for Good Behavior at his elementary school, so I am quite concerned. Is he making a poor transition to his new school? Is he falling in with bad companions? Is that ADHD he used to have coming back? Can you change his seat to that he can once again scale the mountain of good behaviortude?

Dear Parent, I'm glad you wrote so that I can set your mind at ease. Johnny is surrounded by good students, as placing him anywhere else would be career suicide for me. You needn't worry about ADHD or adolescence, as the issue is much simpler than that. You see, Johnny is just a pain in the ass.

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Deer Mistah,

cn u tel me y danny gots a F on he's esSAy cus i think itz unfair i prsonally helped him sharpens hiz crayolaz and work on he's grammars.

Dear Danny,

Please get off your mother's email account.

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Dear Mr. Talk,

As a parent of a child in your honors class, I feel it is my duty to gloat about it by informing you that Esmeralda actually earned a 101 on her report card rather than the 99 you gave her. I'm sure this is merely a mathematical error that Esmeralda could have helped you correct as she also earned 100 in math.

Dear Parent,

Unfortunately, the computer will only accept two digit report card grades. Those short sighted programmers never anticipated that any child would reach the heights of perfection that your daughter has. If it makes you feel better, I will donate the extra point to a deserving child in Appalachia.

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Dear Mr. Talk,

I'm concerned by Matilda's recent report card grade of -12. I feel that I was uniformed about Matilda's poor performance despite the fact that I email you daily and you always respond promptly . Is there some way you can give me even more input into my child's school career? Can you perhaps email me hourly updates, except at 11 o'clock which is when I watch the Springer show?

Dear Parent,

Unfortunately, the space you would like to occupy up my ass has already been claimed by several other parents. However, I will inform you if I develop any new openings.

TMI

I'm a parent in the NYC public school system as well as a teacher, and I'll tell you here and now that I don't want any more information about my child. I have enough as it is. Report cards just came out last week, and I was very happy with the results. My wife and I spoke with the teacher. There were no surprises. My daughter does her homework, studies for tests, and is respectful at all times. As parents, we make sure of that. I don't need to see her teacher more than twice a year, because I deal with everything properly at home.


Nevertheless, her teachers and school keep giving me too much information, or TMI as my daughter would say if she every said anything rather than IMing it. Aris, Acuity, report cards, personal goals---I don't want to know anymore. I don't need an $80 million computer system to know which way the wind blows.

As a teacher, I give even more information than I get. We have to post assignments online, and communicate with parents through DOE email. Which is actually OK, as I have to make WAY fewer phone calls. There's something about impersonal communication that is right up my alley.

Some parents, however, take this too far. They write me about every little thing. I hear stories about Johnny's absence due to constipation. I hear about how Cindy wanted to hand in her homework, but somehow it was inadvertently mailed to Tibet. I'm told how little Martha is suffering from extreme anxiety because she has ballet lessons and 4 girls scout badges to earn including advance knitting so would I mind putting off my test next week so she can practice her stitches instead?

Another problem is that it's too easy these days for parents to fire off an email asking something that I've already answered 50 times (Does homework have to be handed in on time? Yes. Can you send me Clarissa's assignments for the next six months as we're going to the Pyrenees tomorrow? No.)

Luckily, I've mastered the art of being snippy and sarcastic in email. I often begin with, "As I stated in my last 14 emails to you...." So far, I've heard no complaints, and I doubt I will. Being a rather bloodless communication form, I can get away with snarkiness in email that I could never manage in person or on the phone. Sometimes I purposely answer questions in a vague manner calculated to cause an apoplectic fit in the overly anxious recipient. I'm thinking about adding emoticons to my most sarcastic letters, just for fun. What do you think?:

Dear Parent:

I regret to inform you that your child has missed 172 homeworks.


On the plus side, we have installed new air conditioners for summer school!

Best regards,
Mr. Talk

Break a Leg, ATRs!

You know, I think I'm starting to like Randi. She's the kind of multifaceted person you have to admire. In a recent fusillade of emails, she's shown us her many sides. There was the serious, pragmatic Randi who wanted to go beyond her job duties (whatever they may be) and support the stimulus bill. There was the patriotic Randi, who urged us to get out and vote for whoever happened to be the Democratic front runner at the time. Today, Ms. Weingarten showed us her humorous side with a missive that can only be described as rip snortingly funny, assuming, of course, that neither you nor anyone you know is affected by it.

I quote verbatim from the email: The UFT's Network to Work conference for ATRs on Jan. 11 was such a hit that we have decided to hold another one. Network to Work II will be on Feb. 28 so that ATRs who missed the first one still have a chance to take advantage of this opportunity.

The Subject line of the email read: Encore UFT Job Conference for ATRs Feb. 28.

Get it? It's a theatrical metaphor! How clever! I can see the reviews in the papers now!

It's a Hit! Let's have an Encore!--R. Weingarten, NY Teacher

It will run forever!--J. Klein, The Village Vermin

I laughed til I cried! And I'm still crying!--an ATR, The Daily Jag

Even better than the seniority debacle!--The Chief

I can't wait for the next installment. What will it be? ATRs on Ice? The Rubber Room Revue? Whatever it is, you can bet it will be a laugh riot. As long as you're not in it.