Mr. Talk Predicts: Your Guide To 2013

As many of you are aware, I have an uncanny knack of predicting the future of the NYC public schools. I don't wear this fortune teller's hat because it's a babe magnet, you know.

We have an interesting year ahead of us, with a contract to be negotiated, evaluation talks, an outgoing mayor, a union election, and more. Here are some of my prognostications for the new year:

Despite the fact that "Waiting for Superman" failed to influence anyone and "Won't Back Down" earned less money than I currently have in my couch cushions, the reformers will once again try to use entertainment to sway public opinion. Reformers will pick a new genre, as documentaries and fictional movies have failed to click. To that end, StudentsFirst will present "Rhee-formers on Ice", an entertainment extravaganza starring Michelle Rhee as the Ice Queen, who will skate a bloody figure 8 into a senior teacher's chest in the finale. Kevin Johnson will co-star as the uncle no one will let near their children.

The UFT will continue breaking off large chunks of our contract and handing them over, gratis, to the city. Mulgrew will call each of these events a victory, and talk about how glad he is to have a seat at the table, even as he pulls the chair out from under teachers.

Teacher's Choice will survive, but in a new format. Rather than giving each teacher the current whopping $45 a year for classroom supplies, the city will finally increase that amount to $1000 per teacher. Unfortunately, that money will come directly from teacher salaries. Michael Mulgrew will promote this idea because "teachers already spend more than $1000 dollar a year each, on average. Making it official gives us leverage with companies like Staples, who want our business." The UFT will declare this a victory for teachers.


Despite no contract, a sellout evaluation agreement, and a loss of vacation days due to Sandy, Mulgrew will win re-election as UFT president. Only 25% of UFT members will vote. The other 75% will express surprise that there was even an election. This will be the only victory that the UFT will declare in 2013 that will actually be a victory, albeit not for the teachers themselves.

In a surprise move, Anthony Weiner will throw his hat into the mayoral race. He will immediately grab his hat back when he realizes it was the only thing covering his genitals. His campaign slogan, "Go Big with Weiner!" will be a huge hit with bloggers everywhere. The UFT, in keeping with their history of supporting wieners in elections, grants him an endorsement. Weiner will win the election and Mulgrew will declare that his endorsement gave Weiner the momentum he needed to thrust himself to victory, causing the city to come together.

To no one's surprise, this blog will continue making Weiner jokes in 2013.

Mayor Weiner will choose erstwhile Gotham Schools blogger and celebrated E4E asshat Ruben Brosbe as Chancellor. He will cite Ruben's extensive experience at not achieving tenure as a major plus. "None of our three previous chancellors had any real experience in the classroom," Weiner will say. "Brosbe actually taught and failed to achieve tenure, which will inspire future teachers not to expect tenure, either."

Although there will be no new teacher's contract in 2013, it will be a year of innovative deals, such as giving in on teacher evaluations in exchange for a promise of 'economic credit" in the event a contract is ever signed. This will lead to a pinky swear on the Danielson Framework, a cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die ATR agreement, a hand-to-God paperwork reduction agreement, and a swear-on-my-mom's-life no charter school pledge. Mulgrew will hail all these innovations as a victory for the union. In a shocking turn of events, Mayor Bloomberg will reveal that he had his fingers crossed the whole time. Anthony Weiner's "No Take Backs" pledge will turn the tide in his favor and sweep him into the mayor's office.



Some quick predictions to round things out:

• At least one of your admins will be a dick.
• Cathie Black's emails to Bloomberg will finally be released.  The most damaging revelation will be that she referred to the mayor as "Poopsie".
• Reformers will claim that everything they do is for the kids, even if they propose tying students in potato sacks and beating them with ball peen hammers.
• Eva Moskowitz will begin planting flags in the public schools she wants to take over and claiming them for "The Country of Moskovia".
• Evan Stone and Sydney Morris will marry, but only so they can spawn more members for E$E.
• Diane Ravitch will continue to defend public schools and sound educational policy by typing more on her blog and Twitter feed than seems humanly possible. It will be revealed that she also types with her feet.
• Arne Duncan will bring phonics back to schools, but only after he gets tired of everyone pronouncing his name "Arn" instead of "Arnie".
• Mayor Bloomberg will continue to increase class sizes while pushing a law to reduce the size of a "large fries" to whatever can fit in a urine sample cup. 
• The mayor's push to eliminate guns will take up a larger and larger amount of his time. This will result in dramatic improvement in the schools.
• Michael Mulgrew will declare all of the above a victory for teachers.

Add your own predictions to the comments, and happy new year!

Teacher Data Reports to be Released

Bloomberg finally got his way. Teacher Data Reports (TDRs) will, apparently, be released, according to NY1. Let the public shaming of teachers begin.

Now that teachers will be rated from ineffective to highly effective, you can bet those rankings will become public, as well.

It seems the court ruled that despite the fact that the data sucked, it was nevertheless public information.

The only bright spot to come out of this is that we might get to actually see some of the data on our favorite teacher bashers, like Ruben Brosbe, Sydney Morris, and Evan Stone.

Asshats 4 Relocation

I know this is difficult to fathom, but could it just be that Ruben Brosbe was the smartest of all the members of Asshats4Education? One might have to reach that conclusion, because even a rat has the sense to flee a sinking ship, while Ruben had the sense to get out of NYC and basically renounce the Asshats as soon as he was denied tenure for the second time. And before someone gets on me for the analogy, I am in no way suggesting that Ruben IS a rat. One is dirty bottom-feeding vermin who spreads contagion throughout a city. The other is a rodent.

I've felt that the Asshats were stagnating for a while now, as they seem stuck at about 1,800 "Likes" on Facebook. When I checked a month ago, they were at 1803 or so, and now they are at 1848. Not exactly a mad rush to join. And when you consider that all you have to do is click a button to "like" them, it calls into question how many members they really have. If people can't be bothered to click a button, it's unlikely many have filled out A4E's infamous loyalty oath.

So, is it curtains for Evan Stone and Sydney Morris? It may just be. South Bronx School reports that A4E may be fleeing NYC for the less unionized Los Angeles. Ed Notes tells us that the Asshats are having a tough time even getting a crowd together. And with all their corporate backing and free media publicity, their failure to attract members is embarrassing.

So while Ruben is living large at Harvard, Evan and Sydney are attempting to bail out their sinking ship with Dixie cups, hoping they can sail off to LA. And bloggers like me are left scratching for material as they flee.

Feels good, man.

The Four Asshats of the Educational Apocalypse

Is the world ending today? I can't say for sure. So far, my world has not been invaded by the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who represent conquest, famine, war, and death. In the original biblical tale, the horsemen ride on white, black, red, and pale horses.

Assuming we survive until tomorrow, teachers still have another apocalyptic vision staring them in the face: the Four Asshats of the Educational Apocalypse. Here's how I see them:

On the red horse, representing war against the teachers union, ride Evan Stone and Sydney Morris. While they are, technically, two people, in my vision they are a two-headed hydra determined to peck away at teachers' rights while securing cushy jobs for themselves.

On the white horse, representing the famine of intelligence, experience, and educational know-how, rides Ruben Brosbe, spreading his dishwater wit and penchant for self-flagellation.

On the black horse, representing the death of the public school system, rides Mayor4Life Bloomberg. Unlike traditional representations of death who bring about a swift end with a scythe, the billionaire reaper prefers to squeeze his victims of resources and slowly bleed them dry.

The rider of pale horse represents conquest. Biblical scholars disagree as to whether this rider represents good or evil, and so we are forced to place Michael Mulgrew in the saddle of this one. He may stand up for us and protect the rights we've won over the past fifty years, or he may roll over, Weingarten-style, in a culminating act that seals our fate.

I'm pretty certain that the world will see another day. If not, I will be pissed, because I just spent the morning stocking up on toilet paper and cat food at Costco. I am less certain that New York Public Schools will survive the attempted apocalypse being fomented by the Four Asshats.

All I can say to them is, FU and the horses you rode in on.

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Arthur vs. Asshats

On the same day Asshats Extraordinaire Evan Stone and Sydney Morris wrote an editorial lauding the use of standardized testing, a real teacher and experienced educator, Arthur Goldstein, made the case against high stakes testing. It should be required reading.

Faux teachers Evan and Sydney support testing because their billionaire supporters want them to. Neither has any meaningful classroom experience. Arthur, on the other hand, is a real teacher with real experience who tells it like it is.

When it's Arthur vs. the Asshats, Evan and Sydney don't stand a chance.

A Farewell to Asshats

Now that the mayor has shot his load, so to speak, and threatened to lay off 4,100 teachers for a total of 6,000 fewer positions, I think the UFT needs to act. Listen, I am the last person who would, under ordinary conditions, suggest that we negotiate with this slug of a mayor, but I fear the time has now arrived. We have no choice. We need to strike a deal that will protect both teachers and the strength of our union.

I hate to say this, but I think we must follow the model set forth for us by the negotiators at Asshats4Educators. (I know this is blasphemous. Forgive me.) Say what you will about A4E, they understand the negotiation process. They have doggedly insisted that layoffs are about teacher quality, and that we must get rid of sub-par teachers. Toward that end, they have offered the city what it wants: some easy targets to slate for elimination, such as rubber roomers, ATRs, or anyone rated U over the last 5 years. The UFT has, thus far, staunchly defended these groups, and rightly so. Teachers have routinely been brought up on false charges or had their schools closed through no fault of their own, so it makes sense to protect them. Yet we must give the city something--throw some red meat to the sharks, so to speak, so that the rest of us can escape, A4E style.

So, I'm offering a less than modest proposal: If the mayor insists on layoffs, let's not stand in the way. Let's offer them the Asshats.

That's right. There are 1600 Asshats infesting the city's schools, according to the Asshats themselves. If we offer them to the city along with the 2000 jobs lost through attrition, the total would be 3600--close enough to 600o to strike a deal.

Think about it. What would the city lose if we turned the Asshats into chum? Not much. The vast majority of Asshats are temporary employees who will flee the system as soon as the economy recovers or Bill Gates offers them a cushy job. Would the public schools be diminished if Evan Stone and Sydney Morris lost their jobs? They hardly work now!

Let's look at some of the other jewels in the Asshat crown. Ruben Brosbe, for example, stuttering mouthpiece for A4E, constantly celebrates his own incompetence in the NY Post and Gotham. His TDR scores were so dismal that he apparently fled to 3rd grade, where he would not receive a report.

If there's even one bad apple like Ruben in A4E, it's safe to assume that all Asshats should go, isn't it? I mean, they routinely assert that rubber roomers and ATRs should go because a few of them may be guilty. Why shouldn't that apply to Asshats, as well?

And it's not like there are just a few of them. Michael Loeb, for example, is another A4E stooge who seemingly can not write a coherent paragraph. Would the system miss him?

Of course, you could argue that by picking A4E for extermination, I am biased against newbies, but that is not so. Also sent packing would be senior Asshats like that boob who had her clock cleaned by Julie Cavanagh on NY1.


And as long as we're throwing people under the bus, I'd recommend firing anyone with a douchebag hipster beard.

So that's my proposal. What do you think?


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Dealing with the Asshat4Educator Scab Wannabes

Scab is a pretty strong word. I come from a union family, and being a scab ranked slightly above being a pedophile, but only slightly.

So the question is, are the asshats at E4E, such as Sydney Morris, Evan Stone, and Ruben Brosbe actually scabs, or are they some slightly higher life form?

Technically speaking, we'd have to conclude that they are not scabs, because a scab is defined as someone who takes the job of a union member during a strike or lockout. However, the purpose of a scab is to bust the union and destroy the benefits of the union faithful, so Sydney, Evan, and Ruben certainly fit the bill on that account. I think we'd have to classify them as scab wannabes, which may, if you think about it, be worse that being an actual scab. Replacement workers are at least trying to put food on their own tables, whereas the E4E asshats generally dine at only the finest restaurants or have Mummy tell Cook to make them something.

So the question is, how do we deal with these scab wannabes?

My father was a union dock worker and, as a result, a pretty strong guy. If Sydney, Evan, and Ruben tried to take his job, he'd likely have crushed them into much smaller versions of themselves and shipped them off to Hong Kong in a steamer trunk.

Now, those were simpler times, when people weren't afraid of committing felonies against the scum of the earth. In these complex, fast-moving, Internet fueled times, violence is rarely the answer. We've all seen recently how loose talk of violence can get out of hand, so I'm not for a moment suggesting that we harm E4E scab wannabes. If you see one in your school, you should not spit in their hair, push them down a flight of stairs while laughing maniacally, or stuff them in a burlap bag while beating them with sticks. Those things would be wrong.

Besides, most teachers today aren't as rugged as the old dock workers. About the best we could hope for today is to beat those jackasses with stockings filled with chalk.

So what to do? At the very least, all right thinking teachers should shun these E4E scabs. After all, they are enjoying the benefits that the rest of us have spent decades fighting for, while simultaneously trying to take those rights away. They want to get you fired so they can have your job, destroy your pension, and collect the crumbs dropped by Bill Gates. If someone robbed your home, you'd feel justified in taking severe action against them. But you can replace items in your home--these E4Es want to take your license and profession away.

So if anyone in your school tells you they are a member of E4E, first try to reason with them. If that doesn't work, make sure to spread the word about their scabby behavior throughout the school, so they can be rightly shunned.

And then give me a call. I bet I can find that steamer trunk somewhere.