Remembering 8 NHL stars who were Hall-of-Fame locks, until they weren’t

Nicklas Backstrom stepped away from hockey last week, and it got me thinking about the Hall of Fame.

Granted, that doesn’t take all that much. As my readers know, I love a good HHOF debate. In fact, we’ll be having a few later this week, as the Hall gets set to welcome its class of 2023.

If Backstrom’s career is over, he won’t be eligible for three years. I don’t think he makes it, but I suppose it’s not a sure thing. (The committee occasionally surprises us, to put it kindly.) But there was a time when Backstrom absolutely seemed like he was on a Hall of Fame track. Back in 2009-10, he was just 22 and coming off a 100-point season when those were exceedingly rare. If you’d gone around the league back then and placed bets on future Hall odds, he would have been high on anyone’s list. Just not anymore.

That’s not a rare story in the NHL, where we’re often a little too quick to slap the “HHOF lock” label on a player, only to see their candidacy fade – sometimes slowly, sometimes dramatically.

So today, let’s look back at eight NHL stars who sure seemed like future Hall-of-Famers, right up until they weren’t. I’ll give you the details, you see if you can guess the name.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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A brief history of bad NHL breakups

What would Valentine’s Day be without an ugly breakup?

OK, so Evander Kane and the Jets were a week early. And technically, they haven’t officially broken up yet — that will come when Kane is traded, either in the next few weeks or during the summer. But it’s over. In any relationship, there are some moments you can still recover from. A player walking out on his team because players threw his tracksuit in the shower is not one of them.

So Kane and the Jets are done. But as they sob into their pillows over what might have been, it’s worth pointing out that this isn’t the first nasty breakup the NHL has ever seen. In fact, Kane and the Jets barely rate a mention when you consider some of the superstars who’ve seen things end badly with the team they were supposed to be meant for.

Today, let’s look back at 10 of the worst breakups in NHL history. Some of these relationships were in trouble for years. Some fell apart over the course of a few hours. And a few even eventually ended with everyone agreeing to stay friends.

(And don’t worry if I somehow left your favorite player off the list and you’re not sure you can ever forgive me. It’s not you, it’s me.)

1. Dany Heatley and the Senators, 2009

Happier times: Heatley had played four seasons in Ottawa, scoring 50 goals twice and establishing himself as one of the most productive wingers in the game. But the team was struggling, having missed the playoffs for the first time in 13 years, and Heatley didn’t get along with new coach Cory Clouston.

He said: Heatley wanted out because … well, we’re not quite sure, although the most likely explanation seems to be the simplest one: He just didn’t like Clouston. Either way, he was adamant that he’d played his last game in Ottawa. Oh, and he also intended to use his no-trade clause to force a deal to a team he liked.

They said: The Senators chafed at Heatley’s insistence on picking his destination. They struck a deal with the Oilers, only to have Heatley use his no-trade clause to kill the transaction. To make matters even worse, the situation dragged on long enough that the team ended up having to pay Heatley a $4 million roster bonus.

How it ended: The Senators eventually gave Heatley his wish, sending him to San Jose in a deal for Milan Michalek and others that most agreed was a lopsided win for the Sharks. They later went to court to try to get that bonus money back, in a case that wasn’t resolved until 2013.

Who won? The Senators. Heatley had one decent season in San Jose but has bounced around the league with several teams since then and is currently in the minors. Meanwhile, Michalek remains a relatively useful piece for the Senators.

2. Patrick Roy and the Canadiens, 1995

Happier times: Roy had almost single-handedly won two Cups in Montreal to go along with three Vezinas and the consensus “best goalie in hockey” title, making him the latest in the franchise’s long line of French Canadian superstars. Then, one December night in 1995, the Red Wings came to town …

He said: Roy didn’t get along with newly appointed Habs coach Mario Tremblay, and there’d even been unconfirmed rumors of physical altercations. In that infamous Red Wings game, the Canadiens were blown out 11-1, and Tremblay left Roy in for nine goals before finally pulling him. Feeling as if he’d been intentionally humiliated, Roy arrived at the bench, pushed past Tremblay, and told team president Ronald Corey that he’d never play another game for Montreal.

They said: “If there’s any problem, we’re going to solve it tomorrow,” Tremblay said. Spoiler alert: Nope.

How it ended: The team suspended Roy, and four days later it traded him to the Colorado Avalanche.

Who won? Roy, who led the Avalanche to their first Stanley Cup that year and won another in 2001. The Canadiens were roasted for not getting much of anything back for a future Hall of Famer, and they haven’t been back to the Stanley Cup final in the nearly two decades since.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

The Alfredsson dilemma: How other returning stars have been welcomed back

The biggest game on this week’s NHL schedule will be one of the last: Sunday night’s matchup between the Senators and Red Wings in Ottawa. While there will probably be better contests, there won’t be a more emotional one, as the game will mark the first time that longtime Senator captain Daniel Alfredsson will play in Ottawa since signing with Detroit in the offseason.

That signing was a shock at the time, and it has led to an ugly divorce between Alfredsson and the Senators, with both sides accusing the other of putting money ahead of loyalty. All of which leads to the inevitable question: What kind of reception will Alfredsson get from Ottawa fans?

In an era when fewer and fewer players spend their entire career with one team, Alfredsson’s situation is far from unique. In just the past decade alone, we’ve seen several high-profile stars return to the city where they made their name. Some got a hero’s welcome. Others got something very different.

What should Alfredsson expect? Let’s look at five possibilities, as helpfully demonstrated by other stars from recent years.

Option 1: We hate you! (i.e., the Dany Heatley)

The backstory: Alfredsson won’t be the first player that Ottawa fans get to welcome back under less-than-ideal circumstances. Whether it’s Alexandre Daigle, Alexei Yashin, Marian Hossa, or Bryan Berard, there’s something about the Senators franchise that tends to lead to ugly breakups.

Heatley's may have been the ugliest. He’d established himself as one of the best players in Senators history, recording back-to-back 50-goal seasons in the first two years after the lockout. But after the 2008-09 season, Heatley told the Senators that he wanted to be traded. To this day, he has never explained exactly why he wanted out, though a personality conflict with then-coach Cory Clouston is the main suspect.

To make matters worse, Heatley used his no-trade clause to block a deal to the Oilers that the Senators liked better than San Jose’s eventual offer — delaying a move long enough to force Ottawa to cough up a $4 million roster bonus.

The return: The Sharks weren’t scheduled to visit Ottawa during the 2009-10 season, so Heatley’s first game back didn’t come until well more than a year after the trade. If he was hoping that time would heal some wounds, he underestimated Senator fans.

The last laugh: At first, it seemed to be all Heatley’s. He played well in his first year in San Jose, while Clouston was out of the NHL by 2011. But Heatley’s play gradually dropped, and the Sharks dealt him to the Wild after only two seasons. These days, he’s been seeing fourth-line duty in Minnesota.

Meanwhile, the main piece the Senators got back in the trade — winger Milan Michalek — is still in the Ottawa lineup and has been more productive than Heatley since the deal.

(Other examples: Chris Pronger returning to Edmonton, Phil Kessel returning to Boston, and Ilya Kovalchuk returning to Atlanta.)

Chances it happen to Alfredsson: Better than you’d think — there’s a surprisingly strong number of Sens fans who feel that their former captain stabbed them in the back, and who have no desire to forgive and forget. The “should Alfredsson get a ‘welcome back’ scoreboard video” debate has been going strong in Ottawa for weeks, and emotions are running so high this week that there have been reports of people getting their coworkers’ Tim Hortons order wrong without apologizing quite as profusely as normal.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Grantland: Great heel turns in NHL history

Daniel Alfredsson’s decision to spurn the Ottawa Senators and sign with the Detroit Red Wings was a lot of things. A reminder that anything can happen in pro sports. A shift in the balance of power of one of the league’s toughest divisions. A cautionary tale of the dangers in a fan base placing too much faith in one player.

And here’s one more: It was a damn near perfect pro wrestling–style heel turn.

It had all the elements. There was the subtle shift in personality that turned out to be ironic foreshadowing. Then came the sudden, devastating blindside that his adoring fans never saw coming. And he followed it up with a classic post-turn explanation, twisting the knife even further with quotes like “It pretty much came down to a selfish decision” and “I’m not worried about my legacy in Ottawa.”

He hasn’t even bothered to take out the now-obligatory good-bye/thank you ad in local papers. Alfredsson couldn’t have turned heel any more brilliantly if he’d paused to spray-paint “DRW” on Spartacat’s back.

NHL history is filled with villains who are hated across the league but loved (or at least tolerated) by the home crowd. But Alfredsson was a reminder that every now and then, we get treated to something far more entertaining — the hometown hero who dramatically turns his back on the fans.

Let’s take a look back at a half-dozen of the greatest heel turns in NHL history.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

A look at the NHL's all-star snubs

The NHL unveiled the full list if participants for the upcoming All-Star game on Thursday. And now that we know the names of all 42 players who've earned a trip to Ottawa in two weeks, we should take a moment to recognize them for their success.

We should, but we won't. Because while talking about the players who made the roster is nice, the real fun for hockey fans comes in complaining about the ones who were left off. So it's no surprise that the annual debate over which players were snubbed has already begun.

Here are some of the players who fans may have been hoping to see on All-Star Weekend who didn't quite make the final cut.

Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit - The 41-year-old Red Wing veteran apparently asked the league not to include him, which is a shame because at this current age and rate of performance this was our last chance to see him play in an all-star game until next season and the six more after that.

James Neal, Pittsburgh - The Penguins winger has recently been carrying the team, literally, since all the other players on the roster are currently too injured to move on their own.

Nicklas Backstrom, Washington - Teammate Alexander Ovechkin criticized Backstrom's absence to local media, adding that it was almost as if his spot had been given to a far less-deserving player solely for marketing reasons before furrowing his brow and then trailing off awkwardly.

Kris Versteeg, Florida - It was unfortunate that there wasn't room to include Versteeg since it would have been fun to see him reunited with his recent former teammates, every other player in the league.

Read the rest of this post...

2011-12 Season Preview - Western Conference

The 2011-12 season preview continues today with the Western Conference. (You can find yesterday's Eastern Conference preview here.)

Pacific Division

San Jose Sharks: The team is expecting strong seasons from the various players who were recently called up from their farm team in Minnesota.

Anaheim Ducks: Of all the top lines in the Western Conference, experts agree that the Ducks' trio of Corey Perry, Ryan Getzlaf and Bobby Ryan is without question the best one to feature three different DNA sequences.

Phoenix Coyotes: Not sure if it's a bad sign, but Paul Bissionnette's most recent 140-character tweet included the full name of every one of the team's season ticket holders.

Read the rest of this post...

Offseason winners and losers

Despite a stiff breeze, the
Heatley jersey refused to wave.

With training camp just weeks away and almost all of the summer's player transactions already in the books, it seems like a good time to take a critical look back at the 2011 offseason.

Many teams made headlines over the summer, shaking up their rosters in an attempt to address weaknesses. Other chose to stay pat, tinkering here and there but avoiding major moves. Each team had their reasons for the deals they did or didn't make, but history shows that they can't all be right. So which teams made the right decisions?

Common sense would say that we can't possibly know the answer until the end of the 2011-12 season. But common sense doesn't have to find something to write about during the offseason, so let's start arbitrarily naming winners and losers right now instead.

Winner: Minnesota Wild - Revamped their roster by acquiring Dany Heatley and several other San Jose Sharks, whose well-known penchant for disappearing during long playoff runs is unlikely to ever be an issue in Minnesota.

Loser: Los Angeles Kings - Their continued failure to resign restricted free agent Drew Doughty leaves them vulnerable to the possibility of another team signing him to an offer sheet in an alternate universe where NHL general managers are actually doing everything possible to make their teams win.

Winner: Ottawa Senators - Free agent Zenon Kenopka signed a $700,000 deal and could provide excellent value while competing for the second line center role, which is great news for Senator fans as long as they don't think too hard about what it says about the rest of the roster.

Read the rest of this post...

Should Canadian hockey fans be cheering for the Canucks?

Canuck forward Ryan Kesler hugs
a miscellaneous hockey player

There are two unavoidable facts of hockey life that every Canadian fan will be reminded of at this time of year. The first is that none of the country's teams have managed to win the Stanley Cup since 1993. The second is that, because of that drought, Canadian fans are expected to switch their allegiances en masse once the country is down to its last remaining team.

This year, that team is Vancouver. Yet despite the President's Trophy-winning Canucks representing what's probably the country's best chance at a championship since the lockout, many Canadian fans seem hesitant to climb onto the bandwagon.

That view seems short-sighted. While it's understandable that fans of the other five Canadian teams would be reluctant to even temporarily support another team, it says here that it's the logical move.

So if you're a Canadian hockey fan and find yourself still on the fence about rooting for the Canucks, consider the following list of good reasons to throw your support behind the nation's last hope.

• Geologists and historians assure us that, in the strictest technically sense, Vancouver is part of Canada.
  
  
• Manny Malhotra has been a feel-good story as he attempts to resume his playing career after a devastating eye injury, instead of just going straight into refereeing like anyone else would have done.
  
  
• Admit it, it would be fun to watch Roberto Luongo win a Stanley Cup and still be roundly criticized for not doing it "clutchily" enough.
  
  
• If you do decide to root against them and Mike Gillis finds out, uh oh, here comes another press conference.
  

Read the rest of this post...

Matt Cooke's suspension hearing: The top secret transcript

Hey Matt, I've lost count, how
many suspensions is that now?

Scene: The NHL's head office, inside a window-lined boardroom with "Department of Supplemental Discipline" written on the door. Colin Campbell, Mike Murphy and Gary Bettman sit at one end of a large table, with Matt Cooke and Mario Lemieux at the other.

Colin Campbell: Hi Matt. Welcome to the hearing. Did you have any trouble finding a parking spot?

Matt Cooke: Nah, I just parked out front in the "Reserved for Matt Cooke" space.

Campbell: Great. So I've watched the replay of this Ryan McDonagh hit a dozen times. It sure looks like you're intentionally targeting a defenceless opponent with a flagrant elbow to the head. How can you possibly defend your actions?

Cooke: Um... it was an accident?

Campbell: An accident.

Cooke (hesitantly): ... Yes?

A long pause. Campbell stares at Cooke intently before finally breaking the silence.

Campbell: Great, well thanks for clearing that up. Zero games. Sorry for troubling you.

Campbell and Murphy begin gathering up their papers and prepare to leave the room. Cooke looks around in confusion.

Gary Bettman: Uh, everyone? Could we hold on just a second? Maybe we could talk about this one a little more?

Campbell and Murphy stop in the doorway.

Campbell: Well, sure, I guess. If you want to.

Bettman: You know, just since we have the room booked and all.

Campbell (returning to his seat): OK. Well, since I've already subjected Matt to in-depth questioning... Mario, do you have anything to say?

Mario Lemieux: Do I have to?

Campbell: Yes.

Lemieux (sighing): Fine. Look, he's on my team. He's one of my players, technically. So... you know... don't suspend him, I guess.

Campbell: That's very helpful, thanks.

Lemieux: I need to leave now.

Lemieux bolts out the door.

Campbell: Thanks Mario. Our next witness is scheduled to be... hmm, what does it say on my sheet here... "a world-renowned and completely impartial hockey expert, named... Dr. Wario Mellieux".

A man who looks oddly like Mario Lemieux wearing a moustache made out of duct tape walks into the room.

Campbell: Dr. Mellieux, your thoughts?

Mellieux: Matt Cooke is an abomination, a scumbag, an embarrassment, everything that's wrong with the game. I hate him. He should be banned for life.

Cooke: Dude...

Mellieux: And also, he shouldn't count against the salary cap while he's suspended.

They're interrupted by a figure poking his head in the door.

Trevor Gillies: You wanted to see me, Colin?

Campbell: Uh... no.

Gillies (looking down at a newspaper with headline reading "Hockey's biggest cheapshot artist facing suspension yet again"): Oh. Oops, my mistake.

Campbell: No problem Trevor. Talk to you in a few weeks.

Gillies: Sure thing. By the way, whoever's driving the Mercedes Benz with the "MARIO66" vanity plates, I smashed into it from behind. Sorry.

Mellieux: Son of a...

Delivery guy (entering room): OK, who ordered the large pizza with extra cheese and...

Matt Cooke leaps to his feet and begins elbowing the delivery guy repeatedly in the head.

Bettman: Matt...

Cooke: Oops... my bad. Sorry everyone. Force of habit.

Bettman: Don't worry about it. Hey, at least you didn't slam his face into a stanchion!

Zdeno Chara (poking his head through a window): I heard that!

Cooke: Aren't we on the third floor?

Bettman: Never mind that. Look Matt, your hit was very dangerous, but you're here to defend yourself. So go ahead, tell us why we shouldn't throw the book at you.

Cooke: Look, I know I've made mistakes. I'm a physical player and yes, I step over the line sometimes. But so do lots of players, and most of them don't get big suspensions.

Campbell: Exactly. I went easy on Dany Heatley and Brad Marchand, and I didn't suspend Chara at all...

Mellieux (under his breath): Or that jerk who took out Marc Savard.

Campbell: Shush. The point is, plenty of players do dirty things without getting suspended. Why start getting tough now, right?

Cooke: Exactly! I mean, honestly, is hitting one guy in the head really any more dirty that smashing a guy in the face repeatedly with your elbow pad, the way Gregory Campbell did against Montreal...

The room immediately goes silent.

Cooke: Uh... I mean...

Everyone is too horrified to speak.

Campbell (calmly): I'm sorry, Matt, could you repeat that? Any more dirty than who?

Cooke (deer in headlights): Uh... uh...

Campbell (nonchalantly rolling up his sleeves): Everyone leave the room please.

Murphy sprints for the door. Dr. Mellieux leaves his chair spinning, while Bettman leaps over the table. The pizza delivery guy struggles to commando-crawl out the door, which is then quickly slammed and padlocked shut. The group huddles fearfully in the hallway for several moments.

Campbell (from inside the room): Incoming!

An airborne Matt Cooke smashes through the window and lands in the hallway. Campbell steps through the broken glass and pauses over Cook's dazed body.

Campbell (dusting himself off): When he comes to, tell him he's done until the second round of the playoffs. After all, we have to send a message that there are certain lines that just can't be crossed.

---

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Homecoming week: Dany Heatley vs. Lebron James

Eventually, the "point to a douchebag"
contest was declared a draw.

Thursday will mark a homecoming night in two sports, as a pair of former franchise players make their heavily anticipated returns to the cities they abandoned.

In Cleveland, Lebron James and his Miami Heat will visit the Cavaliers for the first time since the NBA star memorably announced that he would take his talents to South Beach. North of the border, meanwhile, Dany Heatley and the Sharks will make their first appearance in Ottawa since the sniper demanded a trade last summer.

While there's certainly some overlap between the two situations and it will tempting to lump them together, they're far from identical. Here's a primer on some of the similarities as well as the subtle differences between the highly anticipated returns of Lebron James and Dany Heatley.

Lebron James: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Cleveland's reputation as "mind-numbingly boring" and "soul-crushingly dull" and "completely and utterly devoid of anything even slightly resembling a pulse".
Dany Heatley: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Ottawa's reputation as "a great option for people who can't handle the excitement of Cleveland".

Lebron James: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Cleveland was forced to reconsider the massive "We Are All Witness" banner that had dominated the downtown skyline since 2005.
Dany Heatley: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Ottawa was forced to reconsider the "Stanley Cup Champion" banners Daniel Alfredsson has been pre-ordering prior to every season since 1999.

Lebron James: By moving to Miami to play second fiddle to Dwyane Wade, revealed himself to be an athlete so lacking in competitive fire that he'd be willing to passively ride another player's coattails to a championship.
Dany Heatley: By moving to San Jose to play second fiddle to Joe Thornton, revealed himself to be no such thing.

Lebron James: Diehard Cavalier fans are expected to boo him mercilessly as soon as he steps onto the court.
Dany Heatley: Diehard Senator fans are expected to boo him mercilessly as soon as he accidentally blocks their view of Spartacat's hot dog gun.

Lebron James: Explained his decision during an hour-long special broadcast on national television, outraging fans and media and doing significant damage to his well-crafted reputation.
Dany Heatley: Wisely avoided that scenario by never explaining his decision, to anyone, ever.

Lebron James: Has recently attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Nike.
Dany Heatley: Has recently attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Frankie's Used Car Emporium in Skokie, Illinois.

Lebron James: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as "How will this effect my endorsement opportunities?" and "How will the local tax laws impact my earnings?"
Dany Heatley: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as "This place isn't Edmonton, right?" and "No seriously, you're absolutely positive it's not Edmonton?"

Lebron James: Would famously make a handful of chalk disappear into thin air before every home game.
Dany Heatley: Would famously make $4 million of Eugene Melnyk's money disappear into thin air every Canada Day.

Lebron James: Was recently embroiled in further controversy after he appeared to lower his shoulder and initiate physical contact with his own coach.
Dany Heatley: Has never been accused of initiating physical contact with anybody.

Lebron James: Left as an unrestricted free agent, meaning his former team received absolutely nothing as compensation for his departure.
Dany Heatley: Was traded for Milan Michalek and Jonathan Cheechoo, meaning his former team received absolutely nothing as compensation for his departure.

Lebron James: Helped lead Cleveland to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007.
Dany Heatley: Helped lead Ottawa to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007, although if you're talking to a Senators fan it's easier to just pretend that you think accomplishments by a different team with the same name from 100 years ago still somehow count.

Lebron James: Along with Wade, made it a top priority to ensure that former Raptor power forward Chris Bosh would also sign a free agent deal in Miami.
Dany Heatley: Prefers to pick up his own coffee and dry-cleaning.

Predicting the 2010-11 NHL season

Unfortunately for Leaf fans, the
road lead directly to Boston.

NHL fans have spent the past few weeks sifting through a steady stream of predictions from various experts and observers. In fact, virtually anyone with access to a keyboard has weighed in with their best guess as to what the upcoming season will hold.

But does it really take any skill to predict the Alexander Ovechkin will score a lot of goals, or that Ryan Miller will record his share of shutouts? Is it really all that impressive to pick one of the half-dozen consensus contenders and label them the eventual champion? Doesn't anyone want to go out on a limb?

Let's get specific. After reviewing this season's schedule, here's a selection of detailed predictions that will let you know exactly what to expect and when.

October 9, 2010 - The Chicago Blackhawks raise their Stanley Cup banner prior to their game against the Detroit Red Wings. The moment is marred somewhat when Detroit third-liner Kris Draper surveys the rafters and comments "Wow, Chicago, you've won four Stanley Cups? Me too!"

October 10, 2010 - The Phoenix Coyotes host the Boston Bruins in Prague, Czech Republic, enjoying a rare opportunity to play a home game in front of fans who have heard of the Phoenix Coyotes.

November 6, 2010 - At the annual Hall of Fame game, thousands of fans show up in Toronto to express their appreciation for some of the very best players from hockey's history, and are deeply disappointed when Dino Ciccarelli shows up instead.

December 2, 2010 - The Ottawa Senators host the San Jose Sharks. A returning Dany Heatley is badly shaken by the sound of 19,000 Senator fans booing and screaming death threats, until a teammate points out that they're actually just reacting to the appearance of a guy in the upper deck wearing a Leafs jersey.

December 16, 2010 - The Maple Leafs make their first trip to Calgary since last season's blockbuster trade between the two teams. In an embarrassing mixup that he chalks up to force of habit, Dion Phaneuf accidentally takes a wrong turn on his way into the building, enters the Flames dressing room, divides it, and destroys their season.

January 1, 2011 - The Penguins and Capitals meet in the Winter Classic at Heinz Field. A crowd of 65,000 fans who are used to watching Pittsburgh Steelers games sit in confused silence whenever Alexander Ovechkin takes the ice, as they're not used to watching a funny looking foreigner who isn't kicking something.

January 23, 2011 - The Flyers and Hawks meet for the first time since the Stanley Cup finals, which featured several insulting comments by Chicago players directed towards Chris Pronger. Pronger takes the high road and has a bouquet of flowers delivered to the Chicago dressing room, leading several Blackhawk players to admit that they may have been wrong about him, confess their admiration of his sportsmanship, and briefly wonder why the flowers seem to be ticking.

February 20, 2011 - A new tradition is launched with the first annual Hockey Day in America. The event features a day-long tribute to all the places in the United States that truly love and respect the sport, from Minnesota all the way to Eastern Minnesota.

February 20, 2011 - Meanwhile, the Flames and Canadiens meet north of the border in the outdoor Heritage Classic. The event brings back all sorts of great memories of the 1989 Stanley Cup series between the two teams, right up until PK Subban casually mentions that he was only born a few days before all that happened and you suddenly feel very old and decide to go lie down for a while.

March 2, 2011 - The trade deadline passes. Maple Leafs general manager Brian Burke keeps his promise to not ask Tomas Kaberle to waive his no-trade clause, in the sense that throwing a burlap sack over someone's head and shoving them into a cargo plane bound for Vancouver is not technically "asking".

April 10, 2011 - The NHL regular season concludes. You look back at how much optimism your favourite team had in early October, laugh softly to yourself, throw an empty bottle of scotch through your TV screen, and start working on your 2011-12 season preview.

2010-11 Western Conference Preview

In the second of a two-part series, season preview week continues with a look at the Western Conference. (If you missed it, the Eastern Confence preview is here.)

Edmonton Oilers
The good: Just like every other team, will be tied for first place when the puck drops on opening night.
The bad: Will somehow be eight points out of a playoff spot by the next morning.
What to watch: Are expected to trade Sheldon Souray, which will be great since the bag of pucks they currently use at practice needs replacing.

Phoenix Coyotes
The good: Eastern-based hockey media agree that the team has an excellent lineup, featuring Shane Doan, Ilya Bryzgalov, and, um… you know, all those other guys.
The bad: There's absolutely no evidence that their owners know anything about hockey.
What to watch: Unless it's the playoffs, the guy at the sports bar asking you to "toss the snake" may not actually be a Coyotes fan.

Dallas Stars
The good: Have promised their long-suffering fans that they'll play half of their games in other cities this year.
The bad: The departure of Marty Turco is expected to drain the self-confidence of forwards who were used to practicing against him.
What to watch: The inspirational Mike Ribeiro, who continues to suit up despite suffering an apparent career ending injury on every third shift.

St. Louis Blues
The good: Continue to exist, you're pretty sure now that you stop and think about it.
The bad: Their new starting goalie once lost his job to Carey Price, so how good could he be?
What to watch: The confused look on their fans' faces when they see Blackhawk fans celebrating with that big weird trophy thing.

Colorado Avalanche
The good: Shocked the hockey world last year by achieving something few observers had believed possible.
The bad: It was losing to the Sharks in a playoff series.
What to watch: Coach Joe Sakic, who modestly insists that you call him "Joe" instead of "Mr. Sakic" and actually seems to get kind of touchy about it after a while, come to think of it.

Los Angeles Kings
The good: Refused to meet Ilya Kovalchuk's contract demands in free agency, greatly reducing the chances that you'll be forced to stay up to watch Stanley Cup finals games on pacific time.
The bad: In hindsight, Barry Melrose pretty much ruined the mullet for everyone.
What to watch: Drew Doughty, the current consensus pick the win the Norris, the Hart, the Vezina, and the Biletnikoff.

Anaheim Ducks
The good: Don't have any cap problems, unless you count Ryan Getzlaf's refusal to cover up his bald spot.
The bad: Will be without their #1 defenceman, Scott Niedermayer, as well as their #2 defenceman, Scott Niedermayer's beard.
What to watch: The "flying V" strategy from the Mighty Ducks movies would be called offside every time, which really has nothing to do with Anaheim but has always sort of bothered me.

Minnesota Wild
The good: The departure of Derek Boogard means the dressing room stereo can finally be used for pregame music again, instead of all those damn Stephen Hawking audiobooks.
The bad: A recent exhibition game produced the first non-sellout in the franchise's ten year history, proving conclusively that US expansion can never succeed.
What to watch: Josh Harding if he's standing anywhere near you, because you know that lightning strike is on its way.

Nashville Predators
The good: Consistently choose really good teams to lose to in the first round.
The bad: Shea Weber slapshots have been known to go through the net, end boards, several rows of stands, and crucial load-bearing arena walls.
What to watch: Coach Barry Trotz, an honourable man who would never fail to stick his neck out for his players if he had one.

Columbus Blue Jackets
The good: Are a team that absolutely nobody cares about, so you can safely ignore them when writing a preview.
The bad: I mean, you still need to put some text in there. You can't just leave a blank space, people would notice that. But you can write pretty much anything you want because nobody will read it.
What to watch: Note to self, Post editors may be getting suspicious of the embezzling. Find a temporary new source of funding for lavish gifts for the mistress.

San Jose Sharks
The good: In last year's first round series against the Avalanche, silenced critics who called them playoff chokers by scoring an NHL record five game-winning goals.
The bad: It's their fault that you're able to have an intelligent conversation with your wife about the pros and cons of the color teal.
What to watch: Dany Heatley makes his return to Ottawa on December 2, giving Senator fans a chance to boo somebody out of the building other than Daniel Alfredsson during every Leafs game.

Calgary Flames
The good: They kept their own first round pick this year, which is great news since they will be terrible.
The bad: They'll also have the fourth round pick of whichever team they panic and trade Jarome Iginla to.
What to watch: Jay Bouwmeester, the greatest postseason performer in hockey history as far as anyone knows.

Detroit Red Wings
The good: Chris Osgood has inspired a generation of hockey players by winning three Stanley Cup rings despite being born without the ability to be an adequate NHL starting goaltender.
The bad: They finally got the old man smell out of Chris Chelios' locker, and then along comes Mike Modano.
What to watch: Mike Babcock's angry face, if you need to get rid of some hiccups.

Chicago Blackhawks
The good: Saw their 50-year rebuilding plan pay off a whole season ahead of schedule.
The bad: Marian Hossa may be a little fatigued, since he's had about fifteen total days of offseason in the past three years.
What to watch: Patrick Kane doesn't seem to have gained any arm strength this offseason, even though whenever you ask him how he spent his summer he says something about lots of 12 oz curls and then high fives you.

Vancouver Canucks
The good: Now that he's been stripped of the captaincy, Roberto Luongo will no longer spend the majority of every practice working on his ceremonial faceoff technique.
The bad: After last year's Stephane Auger controversy, referees can no longer try to "get" Alex Burrows during games, and will now have to resort to running him over in the parking lot.
What to watch: The team enjoys a spirited rivalry with the Blackhawks, in much the same way that cake enjoys a spirited rivalry with a fat kid on his birthday.

Tips for winning your office playoff pool

It's the day after the end of the NHL's regular season, and that means that millions of hockey fans around the world will soon be drafting teams for their annual playoff pool.

Some people claim that playoff pools are all luck. Nonsense. Not only can you win your office pool, but you can dominate. But you need to go into your draft with a strategy.

Are you tired of being the Marian Hossa of your office pool? If so, change your luck this year by following the tips below:

• When faced with a choice between two players with similar talent levels and statistical output, it's generally a good idea to lean towards the one whose team qualified for the post-season.
  
  
• Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau and Dany Heatley would all make for excellent first-round selections in playoff pools that don't count stats such as goals and assists.
  
  
• You should absolutely feel free to draft players from the Eastern Conference once all the players from the good teams are gone.
  
  
• The Phoenix Coyotes finished with 107 points. It might be a good idea to Google them to see if you can figure out the names of some of their players.
  
  
• If there are fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs taking part in your draft, remember to build in some extra time at the start for explaining what "playoffs" means.
  
  
• Before picking Chris Phillips, double-check your rules to make sure your pool doesn't only count playoff goals scored against the other team.
  
  
• Avalanche goalie Craig Anderson probably won't get you many wins or shutouts. But if your pool has a category for "Having the same haircut as Friar Tuck from Rocket Robin Hood"... well then, ka-ching!
  
  
• Wherever possible, load up on players from the two highest scoring teams: The Washington Capitals, and whoever is playing against the Washington Capitals.
  
  
• Yes, it will be tempting to pick Ryan Miller based on his MVP-calibre season. But don't forget that he plays in Buffalo, so something horrible is going to happen to him.
  
  
• Many "experts" will tell you to avoid Russian players, since as Europeans they don't care about the Stanley Cup as much as North Americans and won't be willing to do the hard work it takes to win one. This is nonsense. Russia is technically part of Asia.
  
  
• Office pools with coworkers are lots of fun. But remember, if you work in the newspaper industry be sure to get everyone's money in advance in case your paper goes out of business before June.
  
  
• When doing projections for Philadelphia Flyers forwards, remember to factor in the fact that they'll all probably be forced to play goalie at some point.
  
  
• Wherever possible, focus on players that appear to be well-rested. For example, savvy veteran Matt Cooke recently took a refreshing ten-minute nap in the middle of a game.

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Pacific Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Pacific Division.

San Jose Sharks

The good: Finally addressed that longstanding "locker room cancer" void.
The bad: Attempted to address a history of playoff failure by acquiring an Ottawa Senator. Let that sink in for a minute.
Biggest question mark: Will it be an upper body or a lower body injury that Dany Heatley fakes to get out of the first game in Edmonton?
Fearless forecast: The Sharks record 145 regular season points, then manage to lose their first round playoff series in three games.

Anaheim Ducks

The good: Feature starting goaltender Jonas Hiller, whose outstanding play in the post-season showed that he is without question the second best European free agent goalie named "Jonas" that Brian Burke has ever signed.
The bad: Ex-Hab Saku Koivu may have a difficult time adjusting to the lack of pompous ceremonial wankfests at the start of every single game.
Biggest question mark: Ryan Getzlaf is going to get it over with and shave his head, isn't he? He knows we can see him, right?
Fearless forecast: As per league rules, will at some point trade Joffrey Lupul for Chris Pronger.

Dallas Stars

The good: This.
The bad: Every one of those girls probably has Sean Avery cooties.
Biggest question mark: When Joe Nieuwendyk was reading Marc Crawford's resume, did the page listing everything from 1998-2009 fall out?
Fearless forecast: The team is much-improved thanks to the unveiling of a clever new trick play known as "Marty Turco actually make a save".

Los Angeles Kings

The good: Drafted Brayden "Owen" Schenn, who will inspire teammates with stories of how awesome his big brother is.
The bad: Front office made Brian Burke angry, and as such will probably all be dead by November.
Biggest question mark: Most terrifying Hunter for a Los Angeles King to run into in a dark alley: Tim, Dale, or Rachel?
Fearless forecast: The young team will no doubt benefit from the leadership of Ryan Smyth, who has been a winner everywhere he's ever played with the exception of Colorado, Long Island, and every year in Edmonton except one.

Phoenix Coyotes

The good: Thanks to an aggressive marketing push, experts are now predicting higher-than-expected ticket sales in the 14,000 to 16,000 range.
The bad: That's not an average.
Biggest question mark: Will the team still be able to travel to road games with Wayne Gretzky stuck under the team bus?
Fearless forecast: Calls for "The Whiteout" will once again be heard in April, as employees look for corrective fluid to remove the word "Phoenix" from their business cards.

Behind the scenes at the Team USA Olympic orientation camp

Team USA kicked off its Olympic orientation camp today in Woodridge, Ill. While the day included a practice that was open to the public, the first event was a private meeting between players and team management.

DGB spies were in attendance, and were able to obtain this top secret transcript of that meeting.

(Coach Ron Wilson blows a whistle and 35 players take a knee at center ice. Team USA General Manager Brian Burke steps forward to address the team.)

Brian Burke: I want to thank everyone for coming to our orientation camp. I'm just going to say a few quick words before I turn you over to Coach Wilson here. I want you all to know that it's an honor to be here today. We spent a lot of time deciding which players to invite, and you're here because we felt you were among the very best players that America has to... um... I'm sorry. What are you doing here?

Jeremy Roenick: Hi guys!

Burke: Jeremy, we've been over this. You're not on the invite list.

Roenick: I just assumed that was an oversight.

Burke: You retired two weeks ago.

Roenick: Sure, but I figured I could still help out. You know, be a mentor to the younger guys, maybe get a little PP duty here and there. Definitely handle the post-game interviews, that kind of thing.

Burke: ...

Roenick: Please help me. If I'm not on TV for three straight days, I get the shakes.

Burke: Jeremy, no offence, but you're part of the old guard. The last thing Team USA needs is some pathetic relic from Nagano clogging up the roster.

Mike Modano: Um...

Burke: I mean sure, if you hadn't retired we'd probably have given you an invite. But that would have just been out of pity. Behind your back, we'd all have been laughing at you.

Modano: Seriously, does he know I can hear him?

Roenick: Please coach, there must be something you can do.

Burke: Sigh... OK, I'm sure we can work something out. Hey Mike, would you please take Jeremy out back and give him that special Team USA welcome we talked about?

Mike Komisarek: Sure thing, boss.

(Komisarek and Roenick skate off the ice together.)

Burke: They'll just be a minute.

(A loud gunshot can be heard in the background.)

Burke (under his breath): Truculence.

Komisarek (returning to the ice): He changed his mind, boss.

Burke: That's a shame. Anyways, here's Coach Wilson to say a few words.

Ron Wilson: Listen up, team. From this point forward, you are part of the ultimate competition in all of hockey. As a team, we need to be focused every single day. So Brian and I have put together an official team banner. Every day when you come to the rink, you'll see it hanging to remind you of what we're playing for.

Entire team: Yeah!

Wilson: One team! One goal! One ultimate prize!

Entire team: YEAH!

Wilson: Brian, unveil the banner!

(Brian Burke unveils a banner with the Olympic rings, the Team USA logo, and the words "GO FOR THE BRONZE")

Entire team: ...

Chris Drury: Um... coach?

Wilson: Yes Chris?

Drury: Shouldn't that say "Go for the gold"?

Wilson: Gold? Are you insane? Have you seen the Canadian and Russian rosters?

Drury: ...

Wilson: Hey Brian, he thinks we can win gold!

Burke: Aw... that is adorable!

Wilson (exaggerated Canadian accent): Oh boy, eh, I hope Roberto Luongo doesn't get lit up by Ryan Callahan and Joe Pavelski!

Burke (exaggerated Russian accent): And surely comrade, our Malkin/Ovechkin/Kovalchuk line will be no match for the shutdown pairing of Brooks Orpik and Paul Martin!

Wilson: HA HA HA!

Burke: HA HA HA!

Entire team: ...

Wilson: Seriously though, you guys are going to get slaughtered.

Burke: Annihilated.

Wilson: I mean, has anyone here ever even heard of Tom Gilbert?

Scott Gomez: Not me.

Brian Rafalski: Me neither.

Tom Gilbert: Me neither.

Wilson: To be honest, we were kind of humoring you with the whole "bronze" thing.

Burke: One final note. As you know, 23 players will make up the final Team USA roster. But if you don't make the team, remember, we still have space for three players on the taxi squad.

Phil Kessel: You mean the three guys that will take part in practice, watch from the pressbox, and be available in case of injury?

Burke: No. I mean the three guys who will be responsible for making sure Patrick Kane doesn't suckerpunch any more senior citizens.

Patrick Kane: That took a lot longer than I thought.

Entire team: (Nodding.)

(Burke sees somebody skating over to the group out of the corner of his eye.)

Burke: Oh lord... What are you doing here?

Dany Heatley: Hi guys!

Burke: Dany, I already talked to your agents about this. You don't play for Team USA.

Heatley: But I want to.

Burke: But you can't.

Heatley: But I want to.

Komisarek: Just say the word, boss.

Burke: Not yet. Look, Dany, what's the problem here? Why don't you want to play for Team Canada?

Heatley: I have my reasons. And to be honest, I don't think I have any obligation to share them. I understand the curiosity, but just like my situation with the Senators, there has to be a certain right to privacy. As a seven-year veteran I think I've earned at least that much. And any sort of unfounded speculation and gossip about my situation is wrong and, frankly, irresponsible.

Burke: You make a fair point.

Heatley: By the way, did any of you guys bring your fiances on the trip?

Entire team: NO!

The NHL's secret plan to regain its popularity

Gary Bettman predicts the Phoenix
Coyotes' 2009-10 season ticket sales.

The NHL received some harsh news last week, with the release of a study that declared that interest in the NHL is dropping in Canada. Combined with the well-documented struggles of many American teams and a worsening economy, it would appear that the league is facing a potential crisis.

Luckily, NHL leadership is aware of the problem and has enacted several initiatives to face the issue. I've obtained a top secret NHL memo which outlines 15 strategies the league will be implementing to regain its popularity.

• Kill off formerly popular "wacky neighbor" character played by Jeremy Roenick.
  
  
• Reconsider plan to have entire 2009-10 marketing campaign managed by Dany Heatley's agents.
  
  
• Effective immediately, Alexander Ovechkin plays for all 30 teams.
  
  
• Make sure any league decision is in the best interest of the fans by constantly asking "What would the Toronto Blue Jays do in this situation?", then doing the exact opposite.
  
  
• The next time NBC executives ask the league to play a crucial playoff game outside of prime time, Gary Bettman will look them straight in the eye and say "no" before immediately assuring them he was kidding, refilling their coffee cup, and scheduling the game for 3:00 a.m.
  
  
• Encourage financial responsibility among star players by reminding them to insist on receiving their full change after cab rides.
  
  
• Offer a boost to struggling franchises in Tampa Bay and Florida by having them play each other in this year's Winter Classic in Miami.
  
  
• Encourage US fans to attend regular season games in person instead of watching them for free on TV by making sure the games are broadcast on a third-rate network nobody has ever heard of.
  
  
• In the Western Conference, I don't know, maybe try letting somebody other than the Red Wings be good every now and then?
  
  
• To better attract southern US fans, zambonis will now travel 190 mph, only turn left, and occasionally crash into the end boards and explode.
  
  
• Have Gary Bettman give one of his "everything is going great" press conferences. Those always work.
  
  
• Continue taking the advice of marketing consultants by changing uniform designs, swapping home/away colors, and encouraging teams to come up with new third jerseys every year. Because nothing builds fan loyalty like a fun game of "wait, which one of these teams am I supposed to be cheering for?"
  
  
• Goaltenders must now twitter during shootout attempts.
  
  
• In order to encourage success in the crucial New York market, pass a new rule forcing less-important teams to take on the Rangers' bad contracts via horrible trades (rule already enacted).
  
  
• At all costs, avoid moving any teams into Canada's declining market, and instead keep them in places like Phoenix where hockey's popularity hasn't changed in 100 years.

Signs that you too may be getting hockey advice from a deranged homeless person

Hire him. This guy looks legit.

The strangest story of the week came out of Pittsburgh, where we learned the sad tale of a troubled homeless man who had been sending Mario Lemieux tips on how to better run the Penguins.

While this was clearly an extreme case, the fact remains that those in positions of power in the NHL are surrounded on all sides by people offering them advice. And unfortunately, not all of those people are going to be all there.

In an attempt to help out the NHL's power elite, here are a dozen signs that the person giving you hockey advice may in fact be a crazy homeless person.

• His entire offensive gameplan consists of teaching your players how to do the breakaway move from NHL '94.
  
  
• Whenever the team is faced with a difficult financial decision, he suggests calling Sergei Fedorov for advice.
  
  
• He's started a petition to have the Maple Leafs adopt a new uniform that would feature their old vintage style jersey and no pants.
  
  
• He spends eight hours a day hanging out in front of his mail box waiting for a qualifying offer from Dale Tallon.
  
  
• He suggests that the team start new a playoff tradition by encouraging fans to mark key moments of crucial games by throwing an octomom on the ice.
  
  
• He was the one who convinced you to give Chris Pronger a seven year extension.
  
  
• He repeatedly suggests that "Maybe you should run that one by Mr. Wang", but you don't work for the Islanders.
  
  
• The only job he lists on his resume is "Senior public relations consultant to Dany Heatley".
  
  
• For some reason, he's wearing Chris Nilan's bathing suit under his clothes.
  
  
• He keeps going on and on about how the Leafs should sign Chris Durno.
  
  
• His laptop is full of downloads titled "Sideline reporter naked peephole video", but they're all of Pierre McGuire.
  
  
• Every time he has a difficult decision to make, you catch him staring at his "WWJFJD?" bracelet.

Etiquette tips for the Jason Spezza wedding

The happy couple.

The big talk in Ottawa this week has been about the Jason Spezza wedding, and the question of how the media should handle an appearance by Dany Heatley. Local media debated the delicate question of whether it was appropriate to use the occasion to ask Heatley about his trade demands.

That question is moot now, since Heatley has decided not to show up. But the wedding will still be a major social event featuring plenty of NHL personalities, and that means there will be any number of etiquette questions that attendees may need help sorting through.

I know that several DGB readers are planning to attend this weekend's ceremony. So to help avoid any embarrassment, here's a handy etiquette guide. Feel free to print it out and take it with you.

No matter how adorable he looks in his little tuxedo, DO NOT tell Cory Clouston that you're sure he'll do a great job as ring boy.

DO NOT linger and stare at Wade Redden as he hands out programs at the front door, even though it will be the first time you've seen him actually do anything in two years.

If you see a hockey player who's sobbing and crying constantly, DO NOT assume that they're overcome with the emotion of the ceremony. It could also be Sidney Crosby.

When Bryan Murray is invited up to do the traditional readings from Ephesians, Colossians and Ecclesiastes, DO put on your raincoat.

When Spezza makes his vow to remain forever faithful, DO NOT laugh when Daniel Alfredsson leans over and whispers "I guarantee it".

DO be understanding if there's confusion on the groom's side during the exchange of rings. Remember, they're Ottawa Senators -- none of them have ever seen a ring before.

When the minister delivers his sermon on the importance of honoring commitments, DO NOT interrupt him to point out that the phrase "overpaid, one-eyed, gap-toothed, cherry picking glory boy" does not actually appear in the bible.

If you see Brian Burke at the reception, DO alert security. He wasn't invited, he just automatically shows up anywhere he thinks there might be a live microphone.

DO NOT get stuck behind Kyle Wellwood in the buffet line. This isn't really etiquette, but it will prevent you from starving to death.

Occasional place setting mixups are to be expected at a crowded reception. DO NOT make a big deal out of the fact that everyone has a cup except Marian Hossa.

No matter how nice his tuxedo looks, DO NOT ask Mike Comrie which ventriloquist supply store he got it at.

If you are seated next to Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwood, DO NOT repeatedly refer to her as "the poor man's Jessica Simpson". One time is enough.

If the bride informs you that they're planning an extended honeymoon in August, DO NOT create an awkward situation by turning to Spezza and saying "Wait, won't that interfere with you attending the Canadian Olympic team training camp?"

If you run into Martin Gerber at the reception, DO NOT ask him if he enjoyed the ceremony. He's actually just there to bus tables.

If you are Eugene Melnyk, no matter how much you want to create a sense of excitement and team spirit, DO NOT hire the gladiator guy to stand next to Spezza's honeymoon bed shouting "RISE UP!"

A look ahead at the Maple Leafs 2009-10 schedule

The Maple Leafs 2009-2010 schedule was released today. And since we already have a pretty good idea what all the rosters will look like next year, that means I could spend the afternoon loading everything into the top-secret DGB supercomputer to find out what will happen.

After several hours of flashing lights and whirring noises, I had my answer. Based on today's schedule, here are several highlights from the upcoming Leafs season.

(Warning: The following contains spoilers. If you want to be surprised, stop reading now.)

October 1 - The Leafs play the Montreal Canadiens in the season opener. Sadly, the traditional intermission "timbits" game is ruined when Bob Gainey wanders onto the ice and offers everyone contracts.

October 3 - The Leafs head to Washington. Hoping to catch the Capitals off guard, Ron Wilson gives Justin Pogge the surprise start in net. In a related story, Alexander Ovechkin becomes the first player in the league to reach the 50 goal mark.

October 10 - The Leafs host the Stanley Cup champion Penguins. Unfortunately, Evgeni Malkin and Tyler Kennedy are forced to miss the game after coming down with a bad case of the Schenn Flu.

October 17 - The Leafs host the Rangers, and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "I know some fans don't support me," says Heatley, "but I'm just thrilled to be playing hockey again."

October 17 - 24 - After a gruelling half-month of hockey, the NHL's schedule makers decide that the Leafs need a full week off. Gary Bettman defends the move by explaining "We sensed that fans were really starting to get excited about hockey, and wanted to nip that in the bud."

November 1 - 30 - The Leafs play 13 games during the month. Ron Wilson calls for a stick measurement in every single one, just to annoy Howard Berger.

November 13 - The Leafs head to Chicago for their only game of the season against their longtime rivals. In other Blackhawk news, Dale Tallon starts to get a sinking feeling that he forgot to register his kids for school.

December 7 - Nik Antropov and Pavel Kubina return to Toronto as members of the Atlanta Thrashers. After hours of answering questions about what it was like to play in Toronto, how exciting it was to play in a city that cares about hockey, and how difficult it is now to play in front of so few fans, they finally tell Ilya Kovalchuk to just be quiet and wait for free agency.

December 9 - The Leafs host the Islanders. During an intermission interview, John Tavares attempts to blink out a message asking someone to come rescue him.

December 14 - In a game that recalls the infamous "Flu Game" of 2004, the Leafs are awarded a forfeit win after the Ottawa Senators refuse to take the ice in what will later be known as the "Schenn Flu Game".

December 16 - The Leafs host the Phoenix Coyotes. Jim Balsillie buys every ticket, sits in the front row, and spends the entire game lighting cigars with $100 bills while giving the camera the finger.

December 26 - The Leafs host the Montreal Canadiens on Boxing Day. That ends up being somewhat ironic, since there are several incidents of fisticuffs during the game. And also because every player on the Canadiens goes home in a pine box.

January 8 - The Leafs kick off a four-game homestand with a game in Buffalo.

January 26 - The LA Kings make their only visit to Toronto. Brian Burke leaves early, presumably to catch a flight as he's seen dragging a heavy duffel bag out of the arena. In an unrelated story, the Kings report that Brayden Schenn has gone missing.

January 29 - February 5 - The Leafs play Jacques Lemaire and the Devils three times in one week. Leaf fans look back fondly on that comparatively thrilling week in October when there weren't any games.

February 8 - The Leafs host the Sharks, and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "It's unfortunate that things didn't work out in New York," Heatley says, "but I'm happy to be in San Jose because I'm all about the team."

February 12 - The NHL breaks for the Olympics games, a grueling three-week tournament featuring the very best players from around the world. Or, as the entire Maple Leafs roster calls it, "February".

March 11 - The Leafs host the Lightning, and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "I really think this will be a good fit," Heatley says. "When do the world championships start?"

March 13 - Prior to playing the Leafs, the Edmonton Oilers assure everyone that they're still totally in on the Dany Heatley sweepstakes.

April 4 - The World Health Organization declares Schenn Flu to be a global pandemic. They advise anyone who has ever thought about bodychecking a Leafs player to remain in an underground bunker for the next 15-20 years.

April 7 - The Maple Leafs are mathematically eliminated from the 2011 playoffs.

April 10 - On their way back to Toronto after the season finale, the Leafs stop at a McDonalds drivethru and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "I really think I handled everything well this year," says Heatley. "Would you like fries with that?"

Dany Heatley meets with Kevin Lowe: The secret transcript

Two men enter. One leaves.

As everyone knows by now, Oilers president Kevin Lowe rushed to Kelowna last night to meet with Senators winger Dany Heatley in an attempt to convince him to waive his no-trade clause and accept a deal to Edmonton.

Neither side is commenting about what went on at the meeting. But as long-time readers may have suspected, DGB spies were able to breach the security at the Heatley compound and record the discussion.

What follows is the top secret transcript of the conversation.

Lowe: Dany, I want to thank you for meeting with me. I know this entire situation has been difficult for you, but I really believe that after we get a chance to chat, you're going to want to be a part of the Oilers.

Heatley: Hey, I'm willing to hear you out.

Lowe: Now, just so I'm clear on your side of things, you're demanding a trade because...

Heatley: ... because I can't spend another day in Ottawa. I'm miserable beyond any measure of human understanding. Every day I spend in Ottawa is the worst of my life, and the only joy I find is in the knowledge that every day wasted in that god forsaken town brings me one day closer to the icy relief of death.

Lowe: I see. And you're not waiving your no-trade clause because...

Heatley: ... all that still sounds better than spending the winter in Edmonton.

Lowe: Got it.

Heatley: No offence.

Lowe: No, none taken. Now, I understand you've had some problems with the Ottawa media. But I just want to assure you that the reporters who cover the Oilers are some of the very best in the business.

Heatley: Actually, a friend of mine used to play for the Oilers and he told me that the media there is very talented.

Lowe: Oh really? And who said that?

Heatley: Chris Pronger.

Lowe: Right.

Heatley: Veeerrry talented.

Lowe: Yeah, I got it. (Cell phone rings.) I'm sorry Dany, one moment please. (Answers phone.) Hi Bryan. Yes, I'm talking to him right now. It's going well. What's that? Sure, I suppose you could say hello. Let me put you on speakerphone.

Bryan Murray: HEATLEY IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT THIS TRADE SO HELP ME I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS AND THEN I'M GOING TO SQUAT OVER YOUR CORPSE AND TAKE A NICE LONG... (click).

Lowe: Oops, he must have got disconnected.

Heatley: Your cell has a speakerphone on it?

Lowe: Never mind that.

Heatley: Look Kevin, I just want you know that the regular season is nice. But that's not my focus. For a guy like me, the real hockey doesn't start until April and May.

Lowe: Yes, absolutely, it's all about the Stanley Cup.

Heatley: The what? No, I meant the world hockey championships.

Lowe: Oh.

Heatley: Man, I totally kick ass in that tournament.

Lowe: I've heard.

Heatley: I totally lit it up against Latvia this year. Their goalie had no glove.

Lowe: Yeah, I hear they have some weaknesses.

Heatley: No, I mean literally. He had no glove. He was using a baseball cap. I scored six goals.

Lowe: Wonderful.

Heatley: I tell you, as long as the game is completely meaningless, I am unstoppable.

Lowe: I'll keep that in mind. Now, I've heard that you've had some problems with Cory Clouston.

Heatley: Yeah, he's always singling me out. "Dany, you were out of position. Dany, you have to actually work hard. Dany, you have to come back into your own zone once or twice a game." It's like he thinks he's in charge or something.

Lowe: Right. But I think you'd get along great with our new coach, Pat Quinn. I was hoping you'd get a chance to meet him tonight, but I wasn't able to get a hold of him.

Heatley: Actually, he's outside.

Lowe: He's what?

Heatley: Right there.

(Heatley points to a shadowy figure looming outside his window. The figure takes a puff from a lit cigar.)

Lowe: Um... How long has he been there?

Heatley: Going on three days now.

Lowe: I see.

(The shadowy figure points at its eyes with two fingers, then points at Heatley.)

Heatley: He keeps doing that.

Lowe: Hm.

Heatley: Hey, wasn't Steve Tambellini going to be here?

Lowe: He's in the car. We don't let him get involved with actual decisions.

Heatley: Ah.

Lowe: So Dany, in closing I just want to say that everyone in Edmonton is very excited about the possibility of having you aboard.

Heatley: Everyone.

Lowe: Absolutely everyone.

(Heatley looks over to the shadowy figure in the window, who points at him and then makes a throat-slash gesture.)

Lowe: Almost without exception.

Heatley: Well, you've done a great job selling me on Edmonton. As soon as you leave, I'm going to call my agent and tell him to waive my no-trade. I'm going to be an Oiler!

Lowe: Wow! Really?

Heatley: Hey, I'm Dany Heatley. You have my word.