Remembering Brian Burke's ridiculous trading record

Monday is an important anniversary in the evolution of this Maple Leafs team, although we shouldn’t expect any press releases or pregame ceremonies. Instead, the team will let the date quietly slip by, without mentioning that it marks four years since Brian Burke’s reign as general manager came to an end.

Burke’s firing, announced shortly after the end of the 2012-13 lockout, came as a surprise. It’s rare to see a GM stay on the job throughout an offseason, only to be dismissed days before opening night. It eventually became clear that Burke’s relationship (or lack thereof) with new ownership had been the factor that sealed his fate.

Burke’s Toronto tenure was picked apart in the days after the firing, and in the years since. No doubt they will be again in the days to come. In short, Burke was a failure as Leafs’ GM. He drafted poorly. He mismanaged the cap, especially when it came to free agency. He refused to take advantage of various CBA loopholes that seemed tailor-made for big-money teams like Toronto. And he consistently misjudged his own roster, always believing he was almost there, as if we’d all wake up one morning and realize that what looked like a last place team was actually a contender.

So yes, Burke deserved the criticism, just as he deserved to be fired. All of that was fair. All of it was true.

But all of that also makes it easy to forget one other key trait of the Brian Burke years: When it came to trading, the man was freaking brilliant.

Not “good” or “above average”. He was ridiculous. During his time in Toronto, he put together one of the best trading records in the entire league.

That mattered. And it’s worth remembering today, as the league plods through an era where few teams use trades to build their roster, including the current iteration of the Leafs. While it’s still relatively early in the Lou Lamoriello era, the team has only made three deals of any real significance – Phil Kessel to Pittsburgh, Dion Phaneuf to Ottawa and Frederik Andersen from Anaheim.

That’s not a lot, but it’s three more than some teams have made. That’s the way it works in today’s NHL, where trading is a dying art. It’s too hard, we’re told. The salary cap is too complicated, we’re reminded. You just can’t make trades anymore, whines a generation of risk-averse GMs.

Bullshit, replied Brian Burke. Hand me the phone.

>> Read the full post at TheAthletic

The NHL's greatest almost-happened blockbusters

With less than two weeks to go until the trade deadline and one blockbuster already in the books, hockey fans will spend the days until March 2 dreaming of monster deals that will shake teams to their foundation.

We probably won’t get any, but we can still hope. Trades are great fun, even though they’re largely a dying art in today’s NHL. And maybe even more fun than the completed deals are the near misses, the blockbusters that almost happened and then, for whatever reason, fell apart. We don’t always hear about those, but when we do, it can be great entertainment to look back at them years later and shake our heads at what could have been.

One big caveat: Since none of these deals were actually consummated, and NHL front-office types aren’t exactly in the habit of going on the record about this stuff, we’ll never know for sure how close any of these moves actually came to happening. All the deals below are rumors — well-reported rumors several steps above the usual message-board nonsense — but rumors nonetheless. Please have a large grain of salt or two handy before reading further.

With that out of the way, here are five huge trades¹ from NHL history that (allegedly) almost happened, but didn’t.

Detroit trades Steve Yzerman to Ottawa for Alexei Yashin

Today, Steve Yzerman is a Red Wings legend, and the idea of him ever taking the ice in any other team’s uniform seems unimaginable. But as we’ve covered before, there was a time when Yzerman seemed to have worn out his welcome in Detroit. He was a great player, but he just wasn’t a winner, the thinking went, and it was time for the franchise to turn the page and move on. In 1995, the Red Wings almost did just that.

They found a willing trade partner in Yzerman’s hometown team, the Ottawa Senators. The deal would have reportedly centered around young center Alexei Yashin, and while they’d no doubt deny it now, plenty of Red Wing fans thought it sounded like a fantastic idea. One rumor at the time said the deal was actually agreed to, and fell apart only when Detroit ownership stepped in at the last minute and nixed it.

Yzerman went on to captain the Red Wings to three Stanley Cups, while Yashin’s endless holdouts eventually made him one of the most hated players in Senators history. (Luckily for Ottawa, they eventually found a sucker to take him off their hands.) Today, the idea that a team would want to address a of a winning culture by trading Steve Yzerman for Alexei Yashin seems almost too ridiculous to comprehend. But at one point, Detroit came very close to doing exactly that.

Come on, Red Wings. If you have a choice between the Russian embroiled in a contract dispute and the good North American boy, you’d be crazy to choose the Russian!

Detroit trades Pavel Datsyuk to New Jersey for Scott Gomez

Hm. OK, scratch that last thought.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Winners and losers from the NHL offseason

Last week’s hockey headlines were once again dominated by the ongoing collective bargaining talks. With every talking point, sound bite and cancelled meeting being debated and analyzed in agonizing detail, it almost feels like the days of talking about actual hockey are a distant memory.

But before we move into full-on lockout countdown mode, let’s take one last look back at the 2012 offseason. Despite the spectre of an expiring CBA overshadowing everything, it was still a summer full of wheeling of dealing for most of the league’s teams.

Here’s a look back at some of the winners and losers from the NHL offseason.

Winner: Carolina Hurricanes – The Jordan Staal trade has lead the front office to realize that the fortune cookie message reading “Go out and acquire the all-star brother of that player you already had” makes a lot more sense when you flip it over and notice that the other side says “Unless it’s Tomas Kaberle”.

Losers: Nashville Predators – While it’s always inspirational when the franchise’s star player believes the team is ready to soar upwards in the standings, some teammates are starting to worry that that’s not the actual meaning of that “Flyers 4ever” tattoo Shea Weber keeps trying to hide from everyone.

Winners: Montreal Canadiens – Assuming the lockout wipes out the first 70 games of next season, may finally get a full year out of Andrei Markov.

Loser: Tim Thomas – The Bruins’ lovable franchise player can’t shake the feeling that everyone has been acting weird around him ever since that day a giggling Tuukka Rask casually asked him what his Facebook password was.

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Other NHL brother acts

The Courtnall brothers persevered and made the
NHL despite growing up in a town with no barbers.

The weekend's NHL draft unexpectedly turned into a family reunion, thanks to a pair of high-profile players being traded to the teams that already employ their brothers. The Penguins made the first move on Friday, dealing Jordan Staal to the Hurricanes where he'll team up with his brother Eric. The Maple Leafs followed suit on Saturday, finally pulling the trigger on a long-rumored trade that made Luke Schenn a teammate of brother Brayden on the Philadelphia Flyers.

But while it was an interesting quirk to have both deals made within 24 hours of each other, it's not all that unusual to see brothers sharing the spotlight in the NHL. From the Richards to the Espositos to the Sedins, the league has a long history of siblings sharing the ice as both teammates and opponents.

Here's a look at some of the other NHL brother acts that have played together or otherwise crossed paths during their careers.

Rich and Ron Sutter - Became the first set of identical twins to suit up for the same NHL team during the 1983-84 season in Philadelphia, marking the only time that Flyer opponents were able to see double without first getting sucker punched off the opening faceoff.

Rob and Scott Niedermayer - Won a Stanley Cup together in Anaheim in 2007 while establishing themselves as prototypical Brian Burke players, in the sense that neither one of them has any idea how to play goal.

Saku and Mikko Koivu - In addition to being brothers, both players have been NHL captains who've been criticized for not communicating properly in the local language; Saku in Montreal, because he could not speak French, and Mikko in Minnesota, because he is able to properly pronounce vowels.

Max, Doug and Reg Bentley - A goal by Reg in 1943 marked the first time in NHL history that three brothers all recorded points on the same goal and it will sure be fun to do the same thing in Carolina in a few years, says Marc Staal before realizing he probably wasn't supposed to say that last part out loud.

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The Montreal Canadiens' application form for the vacant GM job

Please please please please

The Montreal Canadiens have started the process of finding a replacement for fired general manager Pierre Gauthier. Plenty of candidates have already been rumored as favorites, but the team has promised that they'll consider anyone.

Apparently they're not kidding. A source in Montreal has informed me that anyone can apply for the job by filling out a simple application form. I've received a copy of the form and reproduced it below, just in case any readers are interested in throwing their hat into the ring.

***

Thank you for your interest in applying for the vacant position of General Manager of the Montreal Canadiens. Please note that this application form is available in both French and English.

Why do you want to be the next general manager of the Montreal Canadiens?
( ) In current front office job, am getting tired of constantly being called an idiot by the media in only one language.
( ) Have a rare form of amnesia where I constantly forget how many Stanley Cups my team has won; would like work someplace where I'll be reminded every few minutes.
( ) Have reviewed the current roster and prospect pool, and enjoy the idea of having the next four or five springs off.
( ) Without revealing my current job, let's just say I get a little tired of being stuck in between two coaches pretending to want to fight each other.

Ideally, the successful candidate would be bilingual. Do you speak French?
( ) I speak fluent French.
( ) I speak high-school level French.
( ) I speak Randy Cunneyworth-level French.
( ) I didn't think I knew how to swear in French, but then I read the details of Scott Gomez's contract and found out I was wrong.

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The pros and cons of firing Ron Wilson

Even his patented motivational "double
karate chop the fourth-line center" move
no longer worked as well as it used to.

It’s getting ugly in Toronto. After a strong first half, the Maple Leafs have been in a tailspin lately, and will enter tonight’s game having won only one of their last 11 and fading from playoff contention. Fans are unhappy, chanting “Fire Wilson” at one recent home game and lighting up phone-in shows and web forums with demands for a change behind the bench.

Apparently, Brian Burke agreed. The Leafs general manager fired Wilson on Friday evening, ending weeks of speculation during which he’d repeatedly told reporters that he wasn’t contemplating a coaching change. On the one hand, Wilson is one of the most successful coaches in NHL history, and he was never given an elite roster to work with in Toronto. On the other hand, somebody had to take responsibility for the plunge in the standings, and Wilson turned out to be the guy.

Was it the right call? It’s tough to say. Here are some of the pros and cons Burke was no doubt considering this week while deciding where to pull the trigger on a coaching change.

Pro: A new coach would be given a honeymoon period by local fans and media where his every decision wouldn’t be immediately subjected to kneejerk criticism, and if he plays his cards right he could probably get it to last for almost the entire introductory press conference.

Con: It would be difficult to make a change now that the trade deadline has passed, since we’re pretty sure the league has a rule this year where any team that wants to fire its coach has to go out and acquire Tomas Kaberle first.

Pro: Don Cherry has been criticizing Wilson for years, and it would be nice to see a humble guy like that finally be able to take credit for being right about something.

Con: Wilson is a highly respected veteran who other coaches go out of their way to observe and learn from, we assume, since it would explain why Randy Carlyle has watched the last few Leaf games from the seats behind the bench while wearing a fake moustache and glasses.

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Let's make a deal: A look back at this season's biggest trades

After sending the overpaid underacheiver
to Ottawa, the Coyotes understood what
it felt like to be a Canadian voter

The Phoenix Coyotes finally made the long-awaited Kyle Turris trade over the weekend, dealing the disgruntled center to the Ottawa Senators in exchange for young defenceman David Rundblad and a draft pick.

The trade was a rare early-season blockbuster in a league where most trades seem to happen at the trade deadline or in the offseason. It will also be the last NHL deal for a while, since the league-wide holiday trade freeze went into effect on Monday.

So while NHL general managers step away from the negotiating table for a well-deserved break, let's take a look back at some of the significant trades the league has seen since the end of training camp.

The trade: The Devils send David Steckel to the Leafs for a fourth-round draft pick.
The view from Toronto: Steckel gives the team a faceoff specialist who can take the first draw after a Maple Leaf penalty, which is always in the defensive zone, as well as the second draw after a Maple Leaf penalty, which is always at center ice.
The view from New Jersey: Steckel's main role last year with the Capitals was being the guy who'd go up to Alexander Ovechkin before every game and remind him to occasionally score a goal or two, although I'm sure someone else will remember to do that.
Final verdict: The deal saw the Leafs acquire an above-average fourth line center, which I think we all agree was their only major weakness heading into the season.

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A look at this year's top rookies

Nugent-Hopkins has been lighting up
NHL goalies and also Roberto Luongo.

With a third of the season in the books, there's no question that one of the best stories of the early season has been rookie Ryan Nugent-Hopkins of the Edmonton Oilers.

With 32 points in 30 games, Nugent-Hopkins isn't just running away with the Calder Trophy but is staying within striking distance of the Art Ross. That seems far-fetched, of course, but there's no denying that the 18-year-old Oiler has been a revelation so far.

But while Nugent-Hopkins is a fantastic story, he's not the only rookie making an important contribution this year. Several young players are exceeding expectations in their first NHL season. Here's a look at some of the rookies making an impact around the NHL this season.

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Edmonton - Is undoubtedly the best young player the Oilers have had in this lifetime, according to the kid tending bar who just made you feel incredibly old.

Jake Gardiner, Toronto - By playing a regular shift for the Maple Leafs, is gaining invaluable experience in what not to do while killing penalties.

Gabriel Landeskog, Colorado - Is currently second in the entire league in the "games worth of Andy Sutton suspensions caused" category, although most experts assume that several players will pass him by the end of the season.

Luke Adam, Buffalo - Has been working hard since the season opener, since he knows the Sabres need to know you've had at least a dozen above-average games during your career before they'll throw a salary cap-destroying contract your way.

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How to be an NHL ironman

One of the NHL's ironman streaks came to an end on Thursday when Lightning forward Martin St. Louis missed the team's game against the Rangers after being hit in the face with a puck during practice.

That snapped St. Louis's string at 499 games, which was good for third among active NHL streaks. But St. Louis was still well back of Doug Jarvis's all-time record of 964, a mark that no NHL player has managed to so much as get close to in almost 20 years.

Will anyone ever again challenge Jarvis's mark? Maybe not. But if you're an NHL player hoping to start your own ironman streak, here are some common sense tips that could help you get started on the road to the record book.

DO: Stay healthy by avoiding collisions that would increase your risk of suffering an injury.
DO NOT: Worry about collisions that carry absolutely no physical risk, such as running Ryan Miller in front of the entire Sabres roster.

DO: Hit the gym often to make sure you're in peak physical condition.
DO NOT: Bother working out any body parts other than "upper body" and "lower body", since those are the only ones that anyone ever injures.

DO: Feel confident that the NHL's recent changes to Rule 48 will drastically reduce the risk that you will suffer a serious head injury.
DO NOT: Attempt to actually understand how the league applies Rule 48, as this will cause a serious head injury

DO: Follow the example of current league ironman Jay Bouwmeester by focusing all of your energy on training and conditioning that will allow you to continue your streak.
DO NOT: Allow yourself to become side-tracked by frivolous distractions, such as playing in postseason games.

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A fond farewell to the NHL's fired coaches

"Wait a second," thought Getzlaf, "Why do
I have to be the baldest guy on the bench?"

It's been a bad week for NHL coaches. After a relatively stable first two months of the season, NHL teams apparently decided it was time to start handing out pink slips.

Both Carolina's Paul Maurice and Washington's Bruce Boudreau were fired on Monday, and they were joined on the sidelines a few days later by Anaheim's Randy Carlyle. Or at least Maurice was; Boudreau was busy taking Carlyle's job.

The week's action brings this season's total number of fired coaches to four once you count Davis Payne, who got a head start when he was fired by the Blues three weeks ago. No doubt they'll be joined by others as the season wears on, but for now the latest round of coaching musical chairs seems to have ended.

But before we all move on, let's take one last fond look back and the four coaches who've been shown the door since the season began.

Davis Payne, St. Louis Blues

Previous experience: Was a virtual unknown in the hockey world when he was hired to coach the Blues in 2010, but things are much different these days because it's now 2011.
Career highlight: In one of those crazy little bits of trivia that nobody ever remembers but that's still technically true, was once the head coach of the St. Louis Blues.
Eventual downfall: Like other coaches who've lost their jobs to Ken Hitchcock, just couldn't win back the fans once they'd grown tired of watching vaguely entertaining hockey.
Future outlook: Is apparently working on a long-term deal with Calgary, according to hockey experts overheard mumbling something about Flames fans being in for another decade of constant Payne.

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The biggest free agent signings of 2011

Tomas Vokoun, moments after being informed
of the contract terms his agent just agreed to.

We're now twelve days into the NHL's free agency period, and the signings have slowed to a trickle. But while this year's free agent class was widely dismissed as the weakest in years, it did feature a handful of big name players who found new homes during the early frenzy.

Let's take a look back at some of the signings most likely to make an impact in the years to come.

Jaromir Jagr, Philadelphia

The good: Despite repeated requests over the years, wisely insisted on delaying his return to North America until he was absolutely positive his mullet was in game shape.
The bad: Forgotten sports stars attempting improbable comebacks rarely find success in Philadelphia until they've murdered a few dogs first.
Worth noting: Has previously played for the Penguins, Capitals and Rangers, meaning he's apparently aware of the same four NHL teams as Gary Bettman.

Tomas Vokoun, Washington

The good: Was willing to take an enormous discount from his expected contract value because he wanted to play on a team that could make a deep playoff run.
The bad: Due to a clerical error, wound up signing in Washington instead.
Worth noting: Will provide the Capitals with the best goaltending they've had since 1999, which is also presumably the year his agent was born.

Tim Connolly, Toronto

The good: Toronto is a perfect fit for a player with a history of concussions, since the ACC is the closest thing the league has to a permanent quiet room.
The bad: He recently compared the Maple Leafs to the New York Yankees, so he could be distracted by having every Yankee fan he meets from now on trying to punch him.
Worth noting: It may be a bad sign that the last time Brian Burke and Ron Wilson assembled this many Americans on one roster they became the only team in hockey history to lose a big game to Roberto Luongo.

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A period-by-period look back at the Stanley Cup finals

The Canucks grew to hate the way Thomas
practiced lifting the Cup during goalmouth
scrambles "just to make it challenging".

The 2011 NHL season has ended, with the Boston Bruins crowned champions after Wednesday night's seventh game win over the Canucks. And with the draft just a week away, it feels like the league has already moved into offseason mode.

But before we set our sights on the road to the 2011-12 season, let's take a moment for a look back at this year's Stanley Cup finals. Here's a period-by-period review of one of the most memorable series in a generation.

Game one

First period: In an effort to appeal to a younger demographic, the NHL announces that the role of the brooding but misunderstood vampire will be played by Alex Burrows.
Second period: As a neutral fan, you feel vaguely comfortable with the idea of one of these teams winning the Stanley Cup for the last time in the series.
Third period: Raffi Torres fools the Bruins' defence to score the game-winning goal by using a trick play he calls "Shoot the puck like a normal player instead of launching your elbow into somebody's temple".

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Why hockey fans should learn to love the Bruins and Canucks

Well, nobody's biting, diving or
unconscious, so I guess that's a start.

It seems like nobody likes the Canucks and Bruins these days. Vancouver defenceman Aaron Rome's devastating late hit on Boston's Nathan Horton was only the latest in a long string of controversies featuring the two teams. From questionable hits to taunting to diving to biting, both teams have spent the post-season racking up negative headlines.

The result has been a growing backlash from hockey fans, many of whom are now openly rooting against both teams. Based on their on-ice behaviour, the thinking goes, neither team deserves to have their names engraved on the Cup.

Nonsense. While it's true that both teams have had a few regrettable but isolated incidents, that's no reason to turn against them. Today's fans are so cynical that they've lost sight of all the good things about these two teams.

So before you jump on the negativity bandwagon, please take a moment to consider the many positives we've seen from these teams during the first four games of the series.

Canucks - Roberto Luongo knows that playing in the Stanley Cup finals is the dream of every young hockey player from the very first moment they lace up the skates, and so he was nice enough to make sure every member of the Bruins got to score a few goals at home.

Bruins - Admit it, it would be cool to see Bruins' captain Zdeno Chara receive the Cup from Gary Bettman, thrust it triumphantly over his head, and accidentally smash a giant hole through the roof of the arena.

Canucks - You may not like him as a player, but when it comes to finger-biting jokes Maxim Lapierre is basically the Bill Hicks to Milan Lucic's Denis Leary.

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2011 Stanley Cup preview

Ever feel like you're carrying the weight
of a terrible mistake on your shoulders?

The Bruins and Canucks will open the Stanley Cup finals tomorrow night in Vancouver, kicking off a highly anticipated series that has hockey fans asking each other tough questions.

Can the Bruins finally end their 39-year championship drought? Can the Canucks finish off a dominant season? Did you know that Cam Neely was once traded from Vancouver to Boston? No really, did you know that? Would you like to hear about it 300 times in the next two weeks?

We'll start finding out the answers tomorrow night. As we count down to the opener, here's an in-depth look at how the two teams stack up.

Forwards
Bruins - Nathan Horton leads a group of never-say-die forwards who refuse to throw in the towel, unless there's a chance they could hit a Lightning fan in the face with it.
Canucks - Will rely on timely offense from Henrik Sedin, Daniel Sedin, and whichever forwards Henrik and Daniel Sedin decide to bank a few shots off of to break up the monotony.

Defence
Bruins - Tomas Kaberle has been creating a steady stream of scoring opportunities with his crisp passes to the open man, some of which even go to his teammates.
Canucks - Kevin Bieksa is willing to fight tooth and nail to win a championship, assuming "tooth and nail" is the nickname of some skill player who doesn't know how to fight.

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Beyond the octopus: More new rules for NHL fans

The only way to get the taste of cheering
for Todd Bertuzzi out of your mouth.

The NHL made some unexpected headlines over the weekend, thanks to a bizarre story out of Detroit. After years of fans celebrating postseason Red Wing goals by tossing an octopus onto the ice, the league has apparently pushed for a crackdown that will see fans fined and ejected for participating in the tradition.

The news was met with instant and near-unanimous scorn by hockey fans, as the move apparently makes the NHL one of the few businesses in the world that discourages customers from hurling animal carcasses at its employees.

But fans that are angry about the Detroit development should get ready for more outrage, because the octopus ban is just the beginning. Sources tell me that the NHL is preparing a detailed code of conduct for hockey fans that will be rolled out over the coming months.

While the list of new rules and regulations is still being finalized, I've received a leaked copy of an early draft. If you enjoy attending NHL games, you may as well start memorizing these now:

• If the majority of fans decide to make more noise for the mascot's hot dog gun than they do for the action on the ice, he's allowed to switch to live ammunition.
  
  
• Fans in the upper deck may not throw objects or shout insults at Zdeno Chara. In return, Chara may not reach into the stands, pluck the fan out of their seat by the back of their shirt, and dangle them menacingly over his gaping mouth.
  
  
• Fans are advised to refrain from taunting the opposing goaltender by derisively chanting his name until he has actually allowed a goal. If you try to start the chant on the opening shift, the league-appointed statistician in attendance should just go ahead and award credit for the shutout that's inevitably coming.
  
  
• Any Vancouver Canuck fans throwing items towards the ice who accidentally drills those two dancing guys in the green bodysuits instead shall receive a stern warning and a high-five.
  
  
• All fans are strongly encouraged to try to start "The Wave" during games, assuming they have first invented a time machine and travelled back to 1987.
  
  
• Toronto Maple Leaf fans with tickets in the lower-bowl section must not suddenly cheer or leap to their feet during the first ten minutes of a period, as it may startle the waiter carrying the miso-glazed sablefish and truffled Yukon potato gnocchi to their table in the Platinum Lounge.
  
  
• Every lifelong diehard Florida Panther fan should really think about trimming his nose hair, Dave.
  
  
• Montreal fans should feel free to keep setting cars on fire after playoff games, since otherwise lazy hockey bloggers would have to come up with new material for their Habs jokes.
  
  
• Feel free to roll your eyes when they blare "Welcome To The Jungle" into the arena for the fifth time this period, as it will help your fellow fans identify you as somebody who lacks awesome taste in music.
  
  
• Ottawa Senator fans must not throw any object in the direction of the arena's video scoreboard, since it was officially designated as a protected heritage item back in 1952.
  
  
• We're not singling out anyone in particular and this is purely a hypothetical, but maybe certain fan bases should think about hitting a treadmill before leaning over the glass by the penalty box to taunt the other team's enforcer.
  
  
• Fans should refrain from yelling "SHOOT" at Tomas Kaberle when he has the puck at the point. This isn't really a formal rule, but man, just don't waste your time.
  
  
• Phoenix Coyote fans will not be allowed to throw things on the ice, or yell things, or attend hockey games, ever again, starting later this week.

April Fools - NHL style

A convincing argument against seamless glass.

Today is April Fool's Day, which is best known around North America as the traditional day for dull conglomerates to post painfully bad attempts at humour on their corporate web sites. But some of us may still remember the day's original meaning: an opportunity to play practical jokes on friends and coworkers.

What does this have to do with hockey? Well, there are two things we all can all agree on when it comes to NHL players: They love playing practical jokes on each other, and they all read my columns first thing in the morning before heading to the rink. And given those two facts, I feel like I should take the opportunity to help everyone have some fun.

So in the spirit of some good-natured tomfoolery, here are a few ideas that various players and personalities around the league should feel free to use on this special day. Let the hijinks ensue.

Sidney Crosby - After finally being cleared to resume practising, lightly bump into a teammate during a scrimmage and immediately fall to the ice clutching your head. Months later, reveal to that teammate that you were only joking while chatting with him at the drive-through window where he now works.

Mike Fisher - Walk up to a member of the Nashville media and introduce self by saying "Hi, I'm Mike Fisher from the Predators" before immediately adding "no, just kidding, I'm Carrie Underwood's husband".

Edmonton Oilers - Send the entire scouting staff to sit in front row and watch top prospect Sean Couturier at tonight's game while scribbling furiously in little notebooks and flashing each other the thumbs up. Watch how depressed he gets when he sees them. Hey look, I think he started crying!

NBC Sports - Tell your viewers that the New York Rangers are currently tied for seventh place, as if the NHL has more than five different teams.

Jonathan Toews - Show off your sense of humour by spending a minute blinking exactly once every 12 seconds, rather than once every 15 seconds like normal.

Tomas Kaberle - Good-naturedly inform your new Bruins teammates that hey, nice try guys, but you're not going to fall for that "We still have to play more games even after the regular season" ends joke.

Ilya Kovalchuk - Call Lou Lamoriello, tell him that you think it's about time to start talking extension.

Matthew Hulsizer - Hilariously tell your old pal Gary Bettman that you'd totally be willing to buy the Coyotes and keep them in Phoenix, and - hey, why is Bettman signing the paperwork? Guys, I was obviously joking. Hey, this isn't funny anymore!

NHL Central Scouting - Release an updated list of the top 300 prospects for the upcoming draft; slip Phil Kessel's name in at #301.

Paul Bissonnette - Spend all day arguing with your twitter followers that the infinite regress problem can be adequately resolved by a reliance on foundational beliefs that give justificatory support to more complex beliefs, before eventually revealing that you were actually a devoted advocate of Pyrrhonian skepticism all along.

Corey Perry - Sneak in and steal Teemu Selanne's towel while he's soaking in that mysterious, glowing fountain that he bathes in every day for some reason.

Henrik and Daniel Sedin - Just to see what would happen, briefly pass the puck to that strange person who seems to think he plays on our line even though he doesn't look anything like us.

Pittsburgh Penguins - Play a hilarious joke on a rookie during a road trip by refusing to place his luggage on the team bus next to the other luggage; instead place it under the team bus, next to Matt Cooke.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Pretend to be playoff contenders during a late-season surge before revealing on April 1 that it was all an elaborate joke played at the expense of your fans. So, same as every other year.

***

This is the fourth annual April Fools post. The previous version are here: 2008 | 2009 | 2010

The road to the playoffs: Scouting the bubble teams

"You know what would look good here?
A playoff beard..."

It's crunch time in the NHL, as teams fight desperately to qualify for the post-season. These days it seems like every game matters, and every point is crucial. And with mere weeks left in the season, the races for a spot in the post-season are closer than ever.

Who'll be left standing? Here's a scouting report for seven teams involved in fierce battles for their conference's eighth and final playoff spot.

New Jersey Devils
The good news: New coach Jacques Lemaire's "neutral zone trap" defensive system has so far proven more effective than previous coach John MacLean's version, the "neutral zone high-five the opposing forward on the way by while telling him where Brodeur's weak spot is today".
The bad news: Thanks to poor start, were actually mathematically eliminated from the 2012 playoffs in early December.
Player to watch: After recently hiring a Russian translator for Ilya Kovalchuk, the team discovered he'd been trying for months to tell them that the sticks they kept giving him were for the wrong hand.

Calgary Flames
The good news: The players are strongly motivated to make the playoffs, if only to distract Jarome Iginla from making more terrible bank commercials.
The bad news: Every time coach Brent Sutter tries to give an inspirational "Let's get out there and make the playoffs" speech, he's interrupted by Jay Bouwmeester asking "get out there and make the who what now?"
Player to watch: Matt Stajan, preferably while wearing a Dion Phaneuf jersey and laughing hysterically (Leaf fans only).

Carolina Hurricanes
The good news: Have wisely arranged to play most of their remaining games against teams from the Eastern Conference, who are all terrible.
The bad news: None of the players can remember if the franchise tradition is to contend for the Stanley Cup in odd-numbered years and finish dead last in even-numbered years, or vice versa.
Player to watch: Eric Staal, assuming you're looking for somebody to draft a terrible team in next year's office fantasy league.

Buffalo Sabres
The good news: New billionaire owner Terry Pegula has energized fans by announcing many new promotions for the remainder of the season, such as "leave a duffel bag stuffed with hundreds in the referees' locker room night".
The bad news: The city has had so much good sports luck over the years, they're probably due for some sort of bad break.
Player to watch: Ryan Miller is struggling through an off-year, in the sense that he occasionally allows the other team to score this season.

Nashville Predators
The good news: Headed into last night's action one point out of the final playoff spot, which in the Western Conference means they're also one-and-a-half points out of first place.
The bad news: Haven't looked good recently, according to that one guy you know who accidentally watched one of their games.
Player to watch: Mike Fisher, says your wife, creepily.

Anaheim Ducks
The good news: Many observers consider them one of the five best teams in the Pacific division.
The bad news: Disturbed teammates report that an aging Teeme Selanne now throws a glove into the air and pretends to shoot it down every time he successfully passes a kidney stone.
Player to watch: Ray Emery, who has plenty of experience helping the Ducks win in the postseason.

Toronto Maple Leafs
The good news: The struggling power play has been improved by the recent realization that you're actually allowed to put an extra guy out there.
The bad news: Teams have begun to exploit James Reimer's weakness: skating towards him while yelling "Hey, don't forget that you are James Reimer".
Player to watch: Tomas Kaberle, as he watches the playoff run from afar with his face pressed sadly against his bedroom window.

Winners and losers at the 2011 trade deadline

Not pictured: Joe Nieuwendyk

The 2011 NHL trade deadline was yesterday, a fact of which you may be dimly aware if you happened to turn on a television at any point during the day.

Now that the dust has settled, fans want to know who came out ahead, and who may have set back their cause. Since most of the deals involved assets like draft picks or prospects, knowledgeable observers know that they can't possibly be accurately evaluated for years to come. But that won't stop the rest of use from passing judgement immediately.

So let's take a look back at the moves made on deadline day and in the weeks leading up to it, and start slapping arbitrary "winner" and "loser" labels on everyone involved.

Winner: Pittsburgh Penguins - In James Neal, managed to acquire an elite winger to play with Sidney Crosby who's young enough to still be halfway decent when Crosby returns from his concussion in 2016.

Loser: Vancouver Canucks - Despite a handful of minor moves, still completely failed to address the team's most obvious flaw, a distinct lack of depth on the sixth line.

Winner: St. Louis Blues - Acquired a player named Brock Beukeboom, which will come in handy if the NHL ever decides to becomes a 1980s arcade game or high school football movie.

Loser: Wade Redden - The bad news: The Rangers filled a need for a veteran defenceman by trading assets for Bryan McCabe rather than bring up Redden from the minors for nothing. The worse news: Their second choice was a bag of wet leaves with a plastic hockey stick nailed to it.

Winner: Anton Khudobin - Exists, apparently.

Winner: Nashville Predators - Acquired Mike Fisher, helping a young roster lacking in playoff experience by bringing in a long-time Ottawa Senator who can describe in detail what not to do.

Loser: Calgary Flames - Foolishly failed to trade any veterans for prospects or draft picks, even though everyone has been saying all season long that as a last place team they need to rebuild by … wait, they're in what place now? Let me see those standings. Wow, has Darryl Sutter been told about this?

Winner: Pierre Gauthier - Made several aggressive moves to bolster his fantasy team, presumably, since he must have been doing something all day.

Winner: Craig Anderson - The latest Ottawa goalie has so far resisted attempts by coaches to teach him the Senators' traditional "Hey, get out of the way of that puck, that would totally hurt if it hit you!" technique.

Loser: Colorado Avalanche - Have you ever made an impulse decision to adopt a stray dog that's been raised in an abusive environment because you hope things will be different if it's given a loving home, but then when you get it back to your place it just poops all the over your floor and rolls around in it? Trading for an Ottawa goaltender is pretty much the same thing.

Winner: Jason Arnott - By escaping the 27th place Devils to join the Washington Capitals, the veteran center will get a chance to return to the postseason for up to six or seven games.

Loser: Tomas Kaberle - Has struggled to adjust to the concept of clearing a rebound after allowing a shot on goal with the Bruins, instead of just automatically skating to center ice for the faceoff like he always did in Toronto.

Winner: That guy at work who made fun of you for using a vacation day to stay home and watch the deadline coverage - Yeah, he was right.

Loser: Dustin Penner - Will have to spend time booking movers and making travel arrangements from Edmonton to Los Angeles, instead of just picking up all his stuff and sprinting there like he probably wants to.

Other Mario Lemieux grievances

"My goalie could beat up your goalie.
You know, in 20 years."

Mario Lemieux is cranky. And apparently he's not too concerned about who knows it.

After watching last week's game between the Islanders and Penguins turn into a gong show, Lemieux decided to share some feedback. He released a statement ripping into the league and its leadership, calling the events "unacceptable and embarrassing" and hinting that he could leave the sport entirely if things didn't improve.

Many applauded his stance, while others were critical or even accused him of hypocrisy. But those critics may want to brace themselves, because Lemieux may have more to get off his chest in the days to come.

What else could a millionaire hockey legend possibly have to complain about? Plenty, as it turns out. Sources in Pittsburgh tell me that the Islanders game was just the latest in a long list of things that are severely ticking Mario off:

• Today's players don't seem to grasp the fundamentals, with many unable to execute even a basic "intentionally lose the puck in the defenceman's skates to distract him long enough to blow by him and score" move.
  
  
• Hasn't played a league game for over five years now, so not really sure why Esa Tikkanen is still following him around and yapping in his ear all day.
  
  
• Attempts to engage the current generation of stars in a productive discussion about player safety have proven frustrating, as guys like Marc Savard just spend the entire conversation staring quietly into the distance.
  
  
• Is generally against hockey violence in all its forms, but won't hesitate to strangle the next person who starts talking about Kaberle-to-the-Bruins rumours.
  
  
• While all the cheap shots and fighting during last week's rematch were hard to take, the Islanders really went over the line with that lengthy pre-game ceremony retiring David Volek's number.
  
  
• Sort of feels like an idiot for picking up Peter Forsberg in his fantasy league.
  
  
• While occasional encounters with diehard Penguin fans are nice, the endless gushing, autograph demands, and girlish squeals of admiration make it sort of tough to get anything done during meetings with Gary Bettman.
  
  
• All these gosh darn Stanley Cup rings make it really tough to raise hand to give Garth Snow the finger.
  
  
• The revelation that Zenon Konopka has a poster of him in his bedroom makes him question whether everything he accomplished in his career was really worth it.
  
  
• You have one little physical confrontation with referee Kerry Fraser early in your career, and you can never go out in public again without every Leaf fan you see trying to hug you.
  
  
• While he realizes that the NHL Guardian Project super heroes were meant to honour key aspects of a franchise's history, he's still not crazy about the Penguin's superpower being "mulletude".
  
  
• Whenever all the owners get together for a scrimmage, Ted Leonsis won't stop asking him if he wants some advice on improving his game.
  
  
• Ever since Sidney Crosby moved out, Saturday morning "chocolate-chip pancake and cartoons in pajamas" time just isn't the same.
  
  
• Those 1987 Canada Cup team reunions just get awkward when everyone has to pretend to know who Doug Crossman is.
  
  
• As a 45-year-old with bad hips and a history of back problems, must somehow come to grips with the fact that he could probably only score 120 or 130 points if he was still playing today.
  
  
• Despite all of his frequent and passionate requests, it turns out that if you actually sneak up behind Mike Lange after a goal and scratch his back with a hacksaw he'll scream like a child and call the police.
  
  
• Hey, you try writing a thoughtful statement about the current state of the game with Matt Cooke elbowing you in the head the entire time.
  

A mid-season evaluation of the Canadian teams

How southern US teams make payroll

Now that the new year has arrived and the season's 40-game mark is quickly approaching, it's a good time for an in-depth examination of teams' chances of success in the second half.

For some teams, the future is bright. For others, it seems bleak. So let's take an honest look at each of Canada's six teams, and how they stack up for the rest of the 2010-11 season and beyond.

Calgary Flames
The good news: Experts say the worst part of a losing season is the devastating effect is can have on the development of young players, which is great news for the Flames since they don't have any.
The bad news: Are currently on pace for an 82-point season, which would see them miss the playoffs in the Western Conference by over 50 points.
Worth mentioning: Coach Brent Sutter can't help but notice that team mascot Harvey The Hound now stands directly behind the bench at all times, takes detailed notes, and looks a lot like Bob Hartley wearing cheap novelty wolf ears.
The road ahead: New general manager Jay Feaster has been given a mandate to deal anyone the roster, which is bad news for the two or three guys who have any trade value.

Vancouver Canucks
The good news: Appear to have been inspired by the Markus Naslund retirement ceremony, which has been continuing in the background during all home games since early December.
The bad news: Daniel and Henrik Sedin continue to frustrate observers by refusing to reveal which one is the evil one.
Worth mentioning: Recently set a new franchise record by going three months without completely redesigning their jerseys.
The road ahead: May avoid the Blackhawks in the playoffs this year, which will be great news unless they happen to run into some other team that can exploit bad goaltending.

Montreal Canadiens
The good news: Carey Price has established himself as one of the best goaltenders in the league, so they should be able to get a couple of average prospects for him in the offseason.
The bad news: Sources say that recently acquired defenceman James Wisniewski has made the team's traditional off day games of charades increasingly awkward.
Worth mentioning: Are still trying to figure out how they can raise somebody's number to the rafters during the Heritage Classic game.
The road ahead: The trade deadline acquisition of Alexei Kovalev for a fifth round pick will probably seem like a good idea until they realize he now plays all his shifts wearing skate guards.

Toronto Maple Leafs
The good news: Looked absolutely dominant against the Ottawa Senators on Saturday night.
The bad news: Have had substantially less success against teams that are still trying.
Worth mentioning: The traditional modest late season win streak that somehow convinces management that the team is on the verge of long-term success is currently scheduled for late March.
The road ahead: Brian Burke continues to insist that he won't ask Tomas Kaberle to waive his no-trade clause, although the baseball bat he's quietly tapping in the palm of his hand hasn't made any similar promises.

Ottawa Senators
The good news: Have avoided becoming national laughingstock, as nobody outside Ottawa is aware the team still exists.
The bad news: Owner Eugene Melnyk has gone on record saying the team was "going all the way this year", rudely spoiling the ending for the rest of us who wanted to be surprised.
Worth mentioning: Dynamic young defenceman Erik Karlsson leads the league in assists, or would, if not for that pesky "it only counts when it's to your own team" technicality.
The road ahead: Face a long, difficult, and frustrating road, and that's just to get back to downtown Ottawa after home games.

Edmonton Oilers
The good news: Have been decent against non-playoff teams, which bodes really well for future intrasquad games.
The bad news: Rookie Linus Omark has been sent back to the minors to work on his latest shootout move in hopes that he can more consistently land that quad toe loop.
Worth mentioning: Shawn Horcoff's six-year contract really isn't as horrendous as it seems, assuming the Mayans are right about this whole 2012 thing.
The road ahead: Look like they'll be absolutely stacked for the future thanks to Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle, Magnus Paajarvi, and a top three pick in every draft for the next decade or so.