Phil Kessel's suspension hearing: The top secret transcript

Kessel spears Scott right in the creepy extra
leg that apparently hangs off of his hip.

(Scene: A boardroom in a downtown skyscraper. Brendan Shanahan sits at one end of a long table, preparing for the hearing. After shuffling a few papers, he's ready to begin.)

Shanahan: OK, first up we need to hear from the Maple Leafs. Send in Phil Kessel and Randy Carlyle.

(Phil Kessel walks into the room.)

Shanahan: Uh, where's Randy?

Kessel: Oh, he's on his way.

(Carlyle, sprawled out on top of a fainting couch, is carried into the room by several MLSE interns.)

Carlyle (with the back of his hand to his forehead): Fighting! Enforcers! Oh the humanity! However could an NHL team do such a thing!

Shanahan: Uh, Randy…

Carlyle: Won't somebody please think of the children!

Shanahan: Good try, Randy.

Carlyle: Not buying it, eh?

Shanahan: Not especially.

Carlyle (getting up from the fainting couch): Want to fight about it?

Shanahan: Maybe later. But first I want to talk to Phil. Phil, you're here because you slashed John Scott twice. It sure seemed like intent to injure. Let's start with the first slash, how can you justify that?

Kessel: Before the faceoff, John Scott told me he was going to attack me. He's much bigger than me and has far more experience fighting, so I felt that I needed to take action to protect myself. Whether it's on the ice or on the street, a person in imminent danger of being assaulted has a right to self-defence, and so I did what I had to do.

Shanahan: Hm. That's pretty convincing.

Kessel: Thanks.

Shanahan: And the second slash?

Kessel: Oh, I was just trying to break his ankle.

Shanahan: Ah.

Kessel: Seriously, screw that guy, am I right?

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2010-11 Western Conference Preview

In the second of a two-part series, season preview week continues with a look at the Western Conference. (If you missed it, the Eastern Confence preview is here.)

Edmonton Oilers
The good: Just like every other team, will be tied for first place when the puck drops on opening night.
The bad: Will somehow be eight points out of a playoff spot by the next morning.
What to watch: Are expected to trade Sheldon Souray, which will be great since the bag of pucks they currently use at practice needs replacing.

Phoenix Coyotes
The good: Eastern-based hockey media agree that the team has an excellent lineup, featuring Shane Doan, Ilya Bryzgalov, and, um… you know, all those other guys.
The bad: There's absolutely no evidence that their owners know anything about hockey.
What to watch: Unless it's the playoffs, the guy at the sports bar asking you to "toss the snake" may not actually be a Coyotes fan.

Dallas Stars
The good: Have promised their long-suffering fans that they'll play half of their games in other cities this year.
The bad: The departure of Marty Turco is expected to drain the self-confidence of forwards who were used to practicing against him.
What to watch: The inspirational Mike Ribeiro, who continues to suit up despite suffering an apparent career ending injury on every third shift.

St. Louis Blues
The good: Continue to exist, you're pretty sure now that you stop and think about it.
The bad: Their new starting goalie once lost his job to Carey Price, so how good could he be?
What to watch: The confused look on their fans' faces when they see Blackhawk fans celebrating with that big weird trophy thing.

Colorado Avalanche
The good: Shocked the hockey world last year by achieving something few observers had believed possible.
The bad: It was losing to the Sharks in a playoff series.
What to watch: Coach Joe Sakic, who modestly insists that you call him "Joe" instead of "Mr. Sakic" and actually seems to get kind of touchy about it after a while, come to think of it.

Los Angeles Kings
The good: Refused to meet Ilya Kovalchuk's contract demands in free agency, greatly reducing the chances that you'll be forced to stay up to watch Stanley Cup finals games on pacific time.
The bad: In hindsight, Barry Melrose pretty much ruined the mullet for everyone.
What to watch: Drew Doughty, the current consensus pick the win the Norris, the Hart, the Vezina, and the Biletnikoff.

Anaheim Ducks
The good: Don't have any cap problems, unless you count Ryan Getzlaf's refusal to cover up his bald spot.
The bad: Will be without their #1 defenceman, Scott Niedermayer, as well as their #2 defenceman, Scott Niedermayer's beard.
What to watch: The "flying V" strategy from the Mighty Ducks movies would be called offside every time, which really has nothing to do with Anaheim but has always sort of bothered me.

Minnesota Wild
The good: The departure of Derek Boogard means the dressing room stereo can finally be used for pregame music again, instead of all those damn Stephen Hawking audiobooks.
The bad: A recent exhibition game produced the first non-sellout in the franchise's ten year history, proving conclusively that US expansion can never succeed.
What to watch: Josh Harding if he's standing anywhere near you, because you know that lightning strike is on its way.

Nashville Predators
The good: Consistently choose really good teams to lose to in the first round.
The bad: Shea Weber slapshots have been known to go through the net, end boards, several rows of stands, and crucial load-bearing arena walls.
What to watch: Coach Barry Trotz, an honourable man who would never fail to stick his neck out for his players if he had one.

Columbus Blue Jackets
The good: Are a team that absolutely nobody cares about, so you can safely ignore them when writing a preview.
The bad: I mean, you still need to put some text in there. You can't just leave a blank space, people would notice that. But you can write pretty much anything you want because nobody will read it.
What to watch: Note to self, Post editors may be getting suspicious of the embezzling. Find a temporary new source of funding for lavish gifts for the mistress.

San Jose Sharks
The good: In last year's first round series against the Avalanche, silenced critics who called them playoff chokers by scoring an NHL record five game-winning goals.
The bad: It's their fault that you're able to have an intelligent conversation with your wife about the pros and cons of the color teal.
What to watch: Dany Heatley makes his return to Ottawa on December 2, giving Senator fans a chance to boo somebody out of the building other than Daniel Alfredsson during every Leafs game.

Calgary Flames
The good: They kept their own first round pick this year, which is great news since they will be terrible.
The bad: They'll also have the fourth round pick of whichever team they panic and trade Jarome Iginla to.
What to watch: Jay Bouwmeester, the greatest postseason performer in hockey history as far as anyone knows.

Detroit Red Wings
The good: Chris Osgood has inspired a generation of hockey players by winning three Stanley Cup rings despite being born without the ability to be an adequate NHL starting goaltender.
The bad: They finally got the old man smell out of Chris Chelios' locker, and then along comes Mike Modano.
What to watch: Mike Babcock's angry face, if you need to get rid of some hiccups.

Chicago Blackhawks
The good: Saw their 50-year rebuilding plan pay off a whole season ahead of schedule.
The bad: Marian Hossa may be a little fatigued, since he's had about fifteen total days of offseason in the past three years.
What to watch: Patrick Kane doesn't seem to have gained any arm strength this offseason, even though whenever you ask him how he spent his summer he says something about lots of 12 oz curls and then high fives you.

Vancouver Canucks
The good: Now that he's been stripped of the captaincy, Roberto Luongo will no longer spend the majority of every practice working on his ceremonial faceoff technique.
The bad: After last year's Stephane Auger controversy, referees can no longer try to "get" Alex Burrows during games, and will now have to resort to running him over in the parking lot.
What to watch: The team enjoys a spirited rivalry with the Blackhawks, in much the same way that cake enjoys a spirited rivalry with a fat kid on his birthday.

2010-11 Eastern Conference Preview

With the start of the NHL season just days away, it's time to take a look at each of the league's 30 teams. In the first of a two-part series, here's a look at the Eastern Conference.

Tampa Bay Lightning
The good: Are just one good break away from winning the division, if a four-team midair plane crash could really be described as a good break.
The bad: Every time they win the Stanley Cup, the entire league needs to take a year off to recover from the shock.
What to watch: Their hotshot new center who came out of nowhere, was signed to minimum salary deal, and looks suspiciously like Steve Yzerman with a fake moustache and glasses.

Montreal Canadiens
The good: Could contend for the Stanley Cup if Carey Price can handle the pressure of being a starting goalie in Montreal.
The bad: Could also contend if Patrick Roy returns to action after inventing a time machine, which seems equally likely at this point.
What to watch: If you must park you car on a Montreal street during the playoffs, at least have the sense of humour to fill the trunk with unpopped popcorn kernels first.

Pittsburgh Penguins
The good: Thanks to their participation in the Winter Classic and the accompanying HBO reality series, will finally get some media attention.
The bad: Have shown an impressive ability to win the big game, but realistically can't rely on playing Washington every night.
What to watch: Whether Sidney Crosby can find chemistry with his first line wingers, two cardboard cutouts of Sidney Crosby.

Washington Capitals
The good: Haven't choked away a soul-crushing loss in over three months.
The bad: In search of a challenge, Alexander Ovechkin is insisting on playing the entire season left-handed.
What to watch: Coach Bruce Boudreau, who always maintains an air of professionalism when arguing with referees despite their inability to resist repeatedly poking him in the tummy.

Toronto Maple Leafs
The good: Nazim Kadri's failure to develop into a blue chip prospect is really just a clever ruse to prevent him from getting traded to Boston.
The bad: Have struggled with unrealistic fan expectations, in the sense that fans have expected them to ice 12 forwards who know how to play hockey.
What to watch: The team should be well prepared for the rigors of an 82-game regular season, thanks to their 82-game preseason.

New York Islanders
The good: Have placed the hopes for the blueline on the shoulders of Mark Streit, which should work out fine as long as they remembered to make sure he doesn't have a weak labrum first.
The bad: John Tavares failed to live up to expectations last year, as fans who shook his hand reported that their leprosy barely improved at all.
What to watch: Owner Charles Wang recently spent $250,000 to upgrade the Coliseum's 38-year-old locker room, which for the first time this season will feature electricity, running water and walls.

Carolina Hurricanes
The good: The retirement of Rod Brind'Amour has made entire roster, on average, about 300% more attractive.
The bad: In an attempt to appeal to NASCAR fans, coaches have instructed the players to skate as fast as they can but only ever turn left.
What to watch: Paul Maurice's lips, as he seems to mutter "At least I'm not still with the Leafs" over and over again during blowout losses.

New Jersey Devils
The good: Apparently signed some Russian free agent who's pretty good; you'd think there would have been some media coverage about that.
The bad: Are pretty weak at backup goaltender, which could come up three or even four times this season.
What to watch: The look on Ilya Kovalchuk's face when he realizes he's going to spend the next 15 years of his life executing the neutral zone trap in New Jersey.

Buffalo Sabres
The good: Front office should be well-rested after recent four month vacation.
The bad: Word has got out around the league that Ryan Miller is surprisingly weak on 3-on-0s.
What to watch: Tyler Myers' neck, which at its current rate of growth will be awarded its own expansion team by 2012.

New York Rangers
The good: Have only four more years until the Derek Boogard contract comes off the books.
The bad: Marian Gaborik played in 76 games last season; regression to the mean tell us that this year he will play -16.
What to watch: Whether the NHL's new rule against blindside elbows to the head also applies to coaches who get frustrated with their own players.

Philadelphia Flyers
The good: Their players are far less likely to suffer catastrophic injuries at the hands of Chris Pronger than those from other teams, unless they do something stupid like attend practice.
The bad: Entire roster lives in fear that they're half a bad game away from losing their jobs to Michael Vick.
What to watch: Might eventually decide to try having one of those things… what do you call them… with the big pads and funny mask… you know what, forget it, it's probably not important.

Atlanta Thrashers
The good: Will no longer fail to meet fan expectations, as that would require both expectations and fans.
The bad: Must improve on disappointing all-time record in nationally televised games of 0-1.
What to watch: Your lunch, around Dustin Byfuglien.

Florida Panthers
The good: Could introduce a "take a slapshot at an orphan" promotion and still not be the most hated sports team in Miami.
The bad: Warm local weather makes good ice quality difficult to maintain in May and June, theoretically.
What to watch: If they're on: something, anything else.

Ottawa Senators
The good: Hey cool, Mike Fisher was totally in that latest Carrie Underwood video!
The bad: Although come to think of it, why was he wearing a Predators jersey?
What to watch: Pascal Leclaire and Brian Elliot will battle for the job of third-string goaltender, which will be important since the team has decided not to employ a first or second-string goaltender.

Boston Bruins
The good: Tuukka Rask can learn plenty from veteran Tim Thomas, assuming he aspires to someday be a ridiculously overpaid backup.
The bad: The long-term loss of perennial 90-point man Marc Savard has left the team with a deep hole at fourth-line center.
What to watch: Their amateur scouting department, as they spend every evening watching Maple Leaf highlights and high-fiving.