The Athletic Hockey Show: Hold on for one more day

On this week's episode of The Athletic Hockey Show:
- Could an NBA-style midseason tournament work in the NHL?
- Why we'll apparently never get a play-in round
- Which Blackhawks will get their numbers retired
- Previewing next week's bizarro-meter
- A lot of Wilson Phillips talk for some reason?
- Listener mail, trivia, and more...

The Athletic Hockey Show runs most days of the week during the season, with Ian and I hosting every Thursday. There are two versions of each episode available:
- An ad-free version for subscribers that you can find here
- An ad-supported version you can get for free wherever you normally find your podcasts (like Apple or Spotify)

Puck Soup: Play Gloria

In this week's episode of the Puck Soup podcast:
- The Blues win the Stanley Cup
- Our reactions to game seven
- Did voters get the Conn Smythe right?
- Breaking down the Cup handoff, including those weird fireworks
- The competition committee meets, so get ready to tinker with faceoff again
- Things get a little heated over Toronto fans and cheering injuries
- Also the USWNT celebration thing
- And more...

>> Stream it now:

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

>> Get weekly mailbags and special bonus episodes by supporting Puck Soup on Patreon for $5.

Puck Soup: State of the NHL (and NBA)

In this week's episode of the Puck Soup podcast:
- We react to the first two games of the final
- The annual state of the NHL press conference
- Can the Raptors help the NBA catch up to the NHL in Canada?
- How Gary Bettman's lack of leadership squandered the NHL's golden opportunity
- Way too much talk about people peeing
- Thoughts on Evgeny Kuznetsov, Phil Kessel and Dave Tippet
- We pass judgment on some weird food
- See if you can spot me laying the groundwork for this week's ad transition as it happens
- And lots more...

>> Stream it now:

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

>> Get weekly mailbags and special bonus episodes by supporting Puck Soup on Patreon for $5.

Puck Soup: No glove, no love

In this week's episode of the Puck Soup podcast:
- We break down last night's blown OT call
- The Bruins on the verge of sweeping the Hurricanes
- An NBA-inspired media meltdown
- Ralph Krueger takes over the Sabres
- What's the hockey equivalent to the Bret Hart/Tom Magee match?
- I put my undefeated quiz streak on the line
- And lots more...

>> Stream it now:

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

>> Get weekly mailbags and special bonus episodes by supporting Puck Soup on Patreon for $5.

Grab Bag: Artemi Panarin vs. Blue Jackets, NBA vs. NHL trades and Brett Hull vs. NWO

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- A rant about Artemi Panarin and players who won't negotiate during the season
- NBA trades: Still way more fun than the NHL
- An obscure player who wasn't good but kept getting traded for guys that were
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a YouTube look back at the time Brett Hull saved Bill Goldberg from the NWO, kind of.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

(Want to read this post on The Athletic for free? Sign up for a free seven-day trial.)

Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence fixes everything

In the latest (and last?) Friday Grab Bag:
- One simple trick for enjoying Gary Bettman sound bites
- The NBA offseason is just way more fun that's the NHL's, and that's OK
- An obscure player with a two-pack-a-day habit who confused Bob McKenzie
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a week after basking in how wonderful Alexei Kovalev could be, we take a look at the other side of the coin.

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

In other news: As you may have heard, Vice Sports is apparently shutting down and/or pivoting to video and/or something. Right now, I don't know what this means for the future of the Grab Bag, the Biscuits podcast, the Lozo mailbags or anything else I was doing with Vice (although I think we can probably guess). All I can say right now is that you'll know when I do.

Podcast: Joe Sakic, all-powerful trade deadline lord

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- Lots of trade deadline talk
- The myth of NHL trades being too complicated
- Dave breaks out his impression of Joe Sakic, all-powerful trade lord
- One of us threatens to quit if the deadline is a dud
- We play a game of "buyer or seller"
- Reader questions
- And much more..

>> Stream it now on Vice Sports

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

On Dwyane Wade, American disrespect, and Canadian payback

Oh, you’ve done it now, America.

Specifically, Dwyane Wayne has done it. On Saturday, Wade made international headlines before Game 3 of the NBA playoff series between his Miami Heat and the Toronto Raptors when he continued to take warm-up shots during the playing of the Canadian national anthem. And now, America, all of you will pay. By standing idly by as one of your own blatantly disrespected our anthem, you have left an entire nation feeling mildly vexed.

Wait, no, not mildly vexed. That’s not strong enough. Maybe exasperated? Irked? Slightly put-out? No, no, none of those will do. What’s the word I’m looking for? You know, the one you Americans seem to feel all the time these days, aimed in every direction, informing your every decision and interaction with the outside world?

Anger. That’s the one. Canadians are angry!

Was that OK? I feel like maybe the exclamation point was too strong. Sorry about that if it was. We’re not all that good at this.

>> Read the full post at The Guardian

Is the NHL's "extraordinary" competitive balance really a good thing?

During his appearance at the Sloan Sports Analytics Conference on Friday, Gary Bettman took the opportunity to trot out one of his favorite talking points: praising the league’s competitive balance. The commissioner pointed to tight playoff races and turnover among post-season teams as factors that make the league’s competitive balance, in his words, “so extraordinary“.

This is hardly new ground for Bettman, or for the NHL. Last summer, he banged the drum during an appearance on Prime Time Sports, and the league’s PR department is constantly finding opportunities to reinforce that message. From standings logjams to frequent overtime and shootouts to playoff upsets, it really does feel like we’re living in the age of NHL parity.

Maybe you could nitpick Bettman’s point; this is still a league in which just two teams account for five of the last six championships, and this year’s playoff race is looking like a potential bust. But let’s put that argument aside and accept Bettman’s premise: that the NHL really has become a league where any team can win on any given night, where the race for playoff spots and seeding will always come down to the final weekend, and where nobody can truly know who the best team is until the final horn sounds.

Let's ask a bigger question: Is that really a good thing?

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

What NHL negotiators can learn from the NBA and NFL lockouts

Gary Bettman is asked how big a set of balls it took for
the owners to make their last offer with a straight face.

Whatever sense of optimism existed in the NHL's ongoing collective bargaining talks ended quickly last week, thanks to Gary Bettman telling reporters that the players weren't yet "taking into account what recently happened with the NFL and the NBA."

Some cynics viewed the comment as transparent posturing, but let's take Bettman at his word. Maybe the key really is to look more closely at what the NFL and NBA went through to get new CBAs last year. After all, both leagues went through difficult negotiations that threatened their seasons. Maybe Bettman's right, and the key to NHL labor peace can be found by looking to the competition.

It's worth a shot. Here's an in-depth look at how the CBAs compare in the three leagues.

NBA: In order to get a deal done, owners made concessions on the salary floor and minimum spending requirements.
NFL: In order to get a deal done, owners made concessions on their demands for a longer schedule.
NHL: The owners just heard you say the word "concessions", and just made themselves a note to get food and drink sales excluded from hockey-related revenue.

NBA: Players signing long-term contracts can make more money by staying with their current team rather than signing elsewhere.
NFL: Players signing long-term contracts know that their deals aren't guaranteed, and ask for large bonuses up front.
NHL: Players who signed a long-term contract this summer thought it was kind of strange how the owner responded to every demand by typing "minus 24%" into a calculator and then giggling to himself.

NBA: The players got 51% of league revenues, leaving 49% for the owners.
NFL: The owners got 53% of league revenues, leaving for 47% for the players.
NHL: Gary Bettman is pretty sure that both sides can make well over 50%, just as soon as he figures out how to implement the shootout and bonus point into a CBA.

Read the rest of this post...

Potential issues in the next NHL CBA

After several awkward minutes, Fehr realized that
"high five me if you love escrow" was a bad idea.

So it turns out that the NBA won't be challenging the NHL's status as the only league to lose a full season to work stoppage after all. Despite dire predictions that the year would be lost, the NBA and its players managed to reach an agreement that will save most of the season.

That comes on the heels of recent agreements that saw both the NFL and MLB sign new deals without missing any games. So with three of North America's big four sports leagues having found labour peace, all eyes now shift back to the NHL. With the league's current collective bargaining agreement set to expire before next season, hockey fans are hoping that negotiations go more smoothly than they did the last time around.

So what will be the major issues in the next NHL CBA? That depends on who you talk to. As it turns out, everyone seems to have a different opinion on which issues should be top priorities. Here's a look at what various stakeholders around the NHL say they'd like to see changed in the league's next CBA:

Brendan Shanahan - Would like to increase the maximum player fine from the current $2,500; failing that, would at least like the players to stop paying it by grabbing a fistful of spare change, throwing it at me from their car window, then laughing and speeding off.

Alexander Ovechkin - I've repeatedly argued that the NHL give Russian players the chance to compete in the 2014 Olympics in Sochi, although to be honest you should probably also check with some of the guys who will make the team.

Kyle Turris - Pass a rule banning pointless holdouts where the player misses two months and doesn't get anything he was asking for, or at least have someone tell my agent that you did.

Read the rest of this post...

The NHL's application form for disgruntled NBA fans

He couldn't quite place it, but David
Stern felt somehow different moments
after shaking hands with Shea Weber.

The NBA's lockout continues to drag along. With two weeks of games already cancelled and some experts suggesting the stoppage could wipe out much of the season, basketball fans are understandably getting nervous.

How nervous? My sources at the NHL's main office tell me that the switchboard is lighting up with calls from NBA fans who are thinking of jumping ship, at least temporarily. The volume of inquiries is so high that the league has had to create an application form for potential new fans. My spies were able to obtain a copy.

***

Greetings (soon-to-be former) NBA fans.

It's come to our attention that your league is currently undergoing a work stoppage. And while there has been some encouraging progress in negotiations this week, it's probably best that you don't get your hopes up. These things can tend to drag on. Like for a completely unreasonable amount of time. Um, so we've heard.

Anyways, it's probably a good idea to keep your options open, and to consider becoming an NHL fan. However, before you can become officially certified as a hockey diehard, there is the small matter of some paperwork. Please fill out the form below, and we'll contact you with our decision.

First name:
_____________________

Last name:
_____________________

Your last name with "sie" added to the end of it so that we have a creative hockey nickname ready to go for you:
_____________________

Read the rest of this post...

Hidden NHL playoff injuries revealed

I'm gonna make someone's upper body
bleed for super fan 99 over here.

Injuries are a touchy subject during the NHL playoffs. After a gruelling regular season and the unmatched intensity of postseason action, it's inevitable that many players will be banged up. But good luck getting that confirmed by anyone associated with an organization.

At most, we may hear the old hockey cliché about a player having an injury to their "upper body" or "lower body" -- and that's only if team acknowledges the injury at all. Even when players are obviously hurt and have missed games, coaches still insist that everyone is day-to-day.

Of course, it's a different story once a team has been eliminated. When their season is over and there's no further reason to protect a player's status, teams will often reveal a long list of injuries and other health problems - many of which fans hadn't even suspected.

This year has been no different, as several star players revealed that they'd been playing hurt during the postseason. Here are some examples of what we've found out about each of the eliminated teams.

Washington Capitals - Nicklas Backstrom had various bumps and bruises from everyone accidentally walking into him all the time, which was to be expected given that he became invisible as soon as the regular season ended.

Philadelphia Flyers - In a strange coincidence, all three of our goalies had badly torn rotator cuffs in their "fishing the puck out of the net" shoulders.

Chicago Blackhawks - Chris Campoli was playing through some sort of problem with whatever part of the eyeball it is that's supposed to tell the difference between white and blue uniforms in overtime.

Read the rest of this post...

Homecoming week: Dany Heatley vs. Lebron James

Eventually, the "point to a douchebag"
contest was declared a draw.

Thursday will mark a homecoming night in two sports, as a pair of former franchise players make their heavily anticipated returns to the cities they abandoned.

In Cleveland, Lebron James and his Miami Heat will visit the Cavaliers for the first time since the NBA star memorably announced that he would take his talents to South Beach. North of the border, meanwhile, Dany Heatley and the Sharks will make their first appearance in Ottawa since the sniper demanded a trade last summer.

While there's certainly some overlap between the two situations and it will tempting to lump them together, they're far from identical. Here's a primer on some of the similarities as well as the subtle differences between the highly anticipated returns of Lebron James and Dany Heatley.

Lebron James: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Cleveland's reputation as "mind-numbingly boring" and "soul-crushingly dull" and "completely and utterly devoid of anything even slightly resembling a pulse".
Dany Heatley: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Ottawa's reputation as "a great option for people who can't handle the excitement of Cleveland".

Lebron James: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Cleveland was forced to reconsider the massive "We Are All Witness" banner that had dominated the downtown skyline since 2005.
Dany Heatley: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Ottawa was forced to reconsider the "Stanley Cup Champion" banners Daniel Alfredsson has been pre-ordering prior to every season since 1999.

Lebron James: By moving to Miami to play second fiddle to Dwyane Wade, revealed himself to be an athlete so lacking in competitive fire that he'd be willing to passively ride another player's coattails to a championship.
Dany Heatley: By moving to San Jose to play second fiddle to Joe Thornton, revealed himself to be no such thing.

Lebron James: Diehard Cavalier fans are expected to boo him mercilessly as soon as he steps onto the court.
Dany Heatley: Diehard Senator fans are expected to boo him mercilessly as soon as he accidentally blocks their view of Spartacat's hot dog gun.

Lebron James: Explained his decision during an hour-long special broadcast on national television, outraging fans and media and doing significant damage to his well-crafted reputation.
Dany Heatley: Wisely avoided that scenario by never explaining his decision, to anyone, ever.

Lebron James: Has recently attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Nike.
Dany Heatley: Has recently attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Frankie's Used Car Emporium in Skokie, Illinois.

Lebron James: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as "How will this effect my endorsement opportunities?" and "How will the local tax laws impact my earnings?"
Dany Heatley: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as "This place isn't Edmonton, right?" and "No seriously, you're absolutely positive it's not Edmonton?"

Lebron James: Would famously make a handful of chalk disappear into thin air before every home game.
Dany Heatley: Would famously make $4 million of Eugene Melnyk's money disappear into thin air every Canada Day.

Lebron James: Was recently embroiled in further controversy after he appeared to lower his shoulder and initiate physical contact with his own coach.
Dany Heatley: Has never been accused of initiating physical contact with anybody.

Lebron James: Left as an unrestricted free agent, meaning his former team received absolutely nothing as compensation for his departure.
Dany Heatley: Was traded for Milan Michalek and Jonathan Cheechoo, meaning his former team received absolutely nothing as compensation for his departure.

Lebron James: Helped lead Cleveland to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007.
Dany Heatley: Helped lead Ottawa to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007, although if you're talking to a Senators fan it's easier to just pretend that you think accomplishments by a different team with the same name from 100 years ago still somehow count.

Lebron James: Along with Wade, made it a top priority to ensure that former Raptor power forward Chris Bosh would also sign a free agent deal in Miami.
Dany Heatley: Prefers to pick up his own coffee and dry-cleaning.

A few random and unrelated observations

The NBA has recently had to fend off accusations that it actively worked to ensure that large market teams like the Los Angeles Lakers advanced in the playoffs. Even if the new allegations are false, the league has long been suspected of assigning specific referees to playoff games in an attempt to subtlety influence results and ensure that big market teams did as well as possible. There have even been whispers for years that the league has rigged its draft lottery to ensure that teams in big markets have an advantage.

Major league baseball currently has a salary system that greatly favors large market teams, virtually ensuring that several teams from markets like New York, Boston, Chicago and Los Angeles are contenders every year. Fans in small markets complain, but nobody in ownership or the players union seems to mind.

The NFL recently opened the door to dropping its suspension of star cornerback Adam 'Pacman' Jones. Jones had been suspended indefinitely while playing for the small-market Tennessee Titans, but the league softened its stance shortly after he was traded to the league's flagship franchise, the Dallas Cowboys. The NFL also raised eyebrows by declaring the Spygate scandal investigation closed, in a move that many saw as an attempt to protect the big market New England Patriots.

Meanwhile, Gary Bettman and the NHL have taken a break from actively obstructing the Maple Leafs pursuit of a big-name general manager to announce that they are going to court in an attempt to remove the New York Rangers owners. When not making trouble for their biggest market teams, Bettman and friends appear to spend all their time trying to keep the small market American teams happy.

In completely unrelated news, the NBA has set attendance records three years in a row, MLB business is at an all-time high, and the NFL is the most powerful and successful sports league in North American history.

Meanwhile, the NHL struggles along. Revenue is up thanks mainly to the Canadian dollar, but business in the US is flat and the league continues to need to pad its announced ticket sales with freebies in order to claim that attendance is rising.

So good work, Gary. Keep working hard to pick fights with those big markets. You obviously know something that all those other league's don't.

How to fight when you don't want to fight

By now you've seen the bizarre footage of Patrick Roy's son "fighting" an opponent over the weekend. Jonathan Roy has been suspended seven games for his actions during the brawl, which saw him charge the length of the ice to decimate opposing goaltender Bobby Nadeau, who clearly wanted no part of the scrap.

Now clearly there is a time and place for walking away from a fight. In fact, it's generally a very good idea, especially if you have reason to believe you're going to lose. But even from a pacifist's point of view, Nadeau's performance was pathetic -- he made virtually no effort to defend himself, and wound up curled on the ice like a wounded puppy.

What's a self-respecting man supposed to do in this situation? It's hard to say. So as a public service, I've gone over various scenarios to come up with a list of possible responses. In order, from best-case to worst, here's a list of nine options to consider if you ever find yourself in Nadeau's position .

Best case scenario: Clearly communicate that you are a pacifist and would prefer a non-violent solution. If forced to fight, beat opponent to bloody pulp. Calmly leave like it was no big deal.

Examples: Felix Potvin vs. Ron Hextall. Youngblood vs. Racki. Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura. Mr. Miyagi vs. the guys dressed up as skeletons


If you can't do that, then: Accept invitation to fight despite overwhelming odds. Fight valiantly, eventually losing but sending the clear message that you won't be intimidated, thus winning a moral victory.

Examples: Spartans vs. Persians. Martin Biron vs. Ray Emery. Craig Coxe vs. Bob Probert. Zack Morris vs. A.C. Slater.


If you can't do that, then: Throw early sucker punch. Assume fighting stance a few feet from opponent. If opponent attempts to advance, slowly back away. Wave away anyone who tries to intervene. Continue backing away while looking like you really want to fight. Hope opponent will die of old age and/or Dave Manson will eventually save you.

Examples: Denis Savard vs. Gary Leeman. Every NBA fight ever.


If you can't do that, then: Try to look as tough as possible immediately before the fight. Once fight begins, throw a few punches early. Realize you are going to die. Make peace with your god.

Examples: Pretty much everyone who ever tried to fight Wendel Clark.


If you can't do that, then: Stand frozen like a deer caught in headlights. Once touched, immediately curl up into a ball on the floor. Make no attempt to fight back. Whimper girlishly. Watch highlights of self on youtube for rest of eternity.

Example: Bobby Nadeau vs. Jonathan Roy. Chris Neil vs. Chris Dingman. Me, if anyone I make fun of on this blog ever confronts me about it.


If you can't do that, then: Relax all muscles. Go completely limp. Cling to larger opponent. Cry loudly. Poop a little bit.

Examples: Roy vs. Montecore. Bryan McCabe vs. Zdeno Chara. My one-year-old daughter vs. the word "no".


If you can't do that, then: Run screaming to nearest exit. If no exit found, just flee in circles in hopes opponent will lose interest. Flail hands above head (optional).

Examples: The Owen Sound Platters vs. Jeff Kugel. Kazuhiko Daimon vs. Rod Allen.


If you can't do that, then: Defecate on ice. Fling poo at enemies to keep them away from you.

Examples: The monkey from Most Valuable Primate (director's cut edition only). Most Sean Avery fights.


If you can't do that, then: Stand still. Slump shoulders. Begin to cry.

Example: Oliver McCall vs. Lennox Lewis. Me vs. realization I am a Leafs fan.

I think that covers it. Did I miss any?