The secret agenda from this week's GM meetings

While Burke's new acquisition was only 10 inches
tall and completely immobile, the critics had to
agree that he did upgrade the goaltending.

The NHL held its annual general managers meeting this week, as 30 of the most powerful men in the league gathered in Toronto for a discussion of various league issues.

But what exactly were they talking about? As always, the meeting was closed to the media. And while some GMs did offer brief comments to reporters about what was discussed, league policy is that the official agenda is never released to the public.

Until now, that is. DGB spies were in attendance, and they were able to pass on a copy of the full day's schedule:

9:00 a.m. - Opening remarks from Gary Bettman: "Well, at least we're not the NBA!"

9:30 a.m. - Opening remarks from Donald Fehr: "… for one more year."

10:00 a.m. - Buffalo GM Darcy Regier presents an argument in favour of stricter penalties for hits against goaltenders such as the recent one by Milan Lucic against Ryan Miller, including an ominous threat that the Sabres may now be forced to seek retribution during their next game against Boston.

10:02 a.m. - Everyone in the room tries really hard to keep a straight face at the idea that the Sabres have anyone on the roster who's going to scare the Bruins.

10:03 a.m. - Everyone fails.

Read the rest of this post...

Team Canada's application form for the World Championships

These two exciting young players will
lead Canada at the World Championships.
every year, for the rest of their careers.

While this year's Stanley Cup playoffs continue to occupy most of the attention, there's another hockey tournament going on these days featuring NHL players. The international World Championship is under way in Slovakia, and Canada is a heavy favourite to win a medal.

Most fans know that the Canadian squad was assembled by Maple Leafs assistant general manager Dave Nonis. But not many of us understand the process that goes into picking a roster for this sort of event. How does a guy like Nonis make sure he has the right men for the job?

The answer, as it turns out, is pretty much the same as any other job: an application form, which all interested players must fill out before being considered. And I have a top secret copy of this year's form:

***

Dear Canadian hockey player,

Thank you for your interest in representing Canada at the 2011 World Championship. In order to help up select the best roster possible, please fill out the following application.

First name: ____________ Last name: ____________

Have you ever played in the World Championship tournament before?
( ) Yes
( ) No
( ) Not sure; nobody ever remembers what happened in this tournament in previous years.

Have you previously represented Canada at the World Junior Championships?
( ) Yes
( ) No

If so, what was the result?
( ) Won gold medal.
( ) Disgraced entire country.

Read the rest of this post...

Take the Quiz: Did you make a good trade?

What do Brian Burke's neckties have in
common with NHL games? There hasn't
been a tied one since 2004.

So the trade deadline has come and gone, meaning that after more than 40 deals in February alone the NHL has seen its last trade for the next few months.

That's bad news if you're a fan, but it's probably great news if you're a general manager. After all, pulling the trigger on a trade must be one of the most stressful parts of any GM's job. And not just the countless hours of scouting, strategizing and negotiation - once the trade is done, you have to deal with all the second-guessing about whether you made a mistake.

While I can't do anything about the first part, I think I may be able to help with the second. If you're an NHL general manager who recently made a major trade - and studies of my readership say that you probably are - then you can end the suspense right now. By taking this simple quiz and tallying your results, you can determine whether or not you made the right move.

When you made your initial offer, the other general manager responded:
a.) "I can see you're going to be driving a hard bargain."
b.) "That seems like a fair proposal, let's discuss it some more."
c.) "That's adorable, now can you please put a grownup on the phone?"
d.) "That's a reasonable offer, but we're not really interested in acquiring Carmello Anthony."

Whenever the negotiations presented you with a difficult decision, you sought guidance from:
a.) Your lifelong study of the philosophies of legendary hockey executives like Sam Pollock and Conn Smythe
b.) Your keen understanding of modern game theory and advanced statistical analysis
c.) Your paid consultant and personal mentor, Charlie Sheen.
d.) Your "What Would Milbury Do?" bracelet.

At one point, negotiations hit a standstill because:
a.) The other general manager became concerned that he'd be giving up too much.
b.) You had to go to your owner to make sure he was OK with increasing the payroll.
c.) You started to try to understand the logic behind the NHL's policy on headshots and blacked out for three days.
d.) Your Xbox broke, so you couldn't run the trade through NHL 11 to find out if it was fair.

The other general manager said the words "Yes, I will make that trade"…
a.) Immediately after uttering the words "I can't believe you're talking me into this, but..."
b.) After many intense negotiating sessions over the course of several weeks.
c.) After fifteen minutes of hysterical laughter followed by the phrase "Oh, you were being serious?"
d.) As soon as he picked up the phone, thanks to seeing your name on call display.

Your trade involves a conditional draft pick. The condition is…
a.) An additional pick if your team wins multiple Stanley Cups instead of just one.
b.) A sixth round pick if the other team wins one playoff round.
c.) A first round pick if the other team wins six playoff rounds.
d.) A bonus draft pick to whichever team is employing you as an assistant scout by late April.

Columns in the local newspapers most frequently described the trade using the phrase…
a.) "Outright larceny for the home team"
b.) "A fair deal for both sides"
c.) "Presumably some sort of elaborate practical joke"
d.) "Sutter-iffic!"

When you called the player you were acquiring to inform him of the trade, he said…
a.) "I'm shocked to hear how little you had to give up to get me."
b.) "You paid a steep price, but I'll work hard to make it worth it for you."
c.) "I already heard about the trade, because some loser on Twitter got 500 people to send me messages about it."
d.) "Uh, you do know that I retired six years ago, right?"

After the trade was formally announced, the next phone call you received was from…
a.) The team owner, asking what size you want your Stanley Cup ring to be.
b.) A fellow general manager, congratulating you on making a solid deal.
c.) Joe Nieuwendyk, thanking you for taking some of the heat off.
d.) John Ferguson Jr., you think, although it was hard to understand him since he was talking into the wrong end of the telephone.

Scoring: Tally up your answers, then check below to find out how you did.

Mostly a.) Enjoy that General Manager Of The Year trophy.
Mostly b.) You deserve credit for taking a risk to improve your team.
Mostly c.) Ah, don't worry about it. Winning is overrated.
Mostly d.) But seriously, any chance you want to join my fantasy league?

Don Cherry's Hockey Night in Canada contract revealed

"Look, I don't care how hot it gets in the
studio, I want Ron to start wearing pants."

One of the hockey world's biggest stars has avoided pending free agency by signing an extension. But instead of a player, it was someone many Canadian fans would consider far more important.

Yes, Don Cherry will be back for another year on Hockey Night in Canada. The controversial but undeniably popular hockey personality has agreed to an extension with the CBC, and will continue to appear on Coach's Corner through at least the end of the 2012 season. The news will thrill many fans, and infuriate others. That divisiveness is a large part of what makes Cherry the biggest media star in the country, one who constantly makes headlines for his opinions on the state of the game.

Since this is hockey, the release announcing the deal included a line noting that "the terms of Mr. Cherry's contract were not disclosed". And while that may have been true initially, DGB spies were able to get their hands on a copy of the agreement.

As you'd expect for a star of Cherry's stature, the deal includes a long list of special provisions and clauses:

• From now on, Cherry must agree to avoid the appearance of bias by being careful to refer to the Toronto Maple Leafs as "they" instead of "we", such as in "boy, I really really really hope they win tonight".
  
  
• The deal is in the ten to twelve million range, assuming we're talking jacket colors.
  
  
• As in previous contracts, Cherry must pretend to understand Ron MacLean's show-closing pun at least twice per season.
  
  
• The deal has a no-trade clause, for reasons nobody quite understands but assume is related to that time the contract was left alone with John Ferguson Jr. for a few minutes.
  
  
• Cherry will have rights to use footage from the show in some sort of hockey highlight video bearing his name, just on the off chance he ever decides that sounds like something he might want to do.
  
  
• The CBC agrees to continue to only employ stylists who don't know that goatees went out of fashion in 1996.
  
  
• Cherry will lead an annual seminar for all other former players and coaches in the broadcast industry entitled "A beginner's guide to having an actual opinion about something."
  
  
• In addition to Hockey Night In Canada, Cherry will be contractually obligated to make guest appearances on other hit Canadian television shows, such as… um… geez… is Bumper Stumpers still on the air?
  
  
• Cherry agrees to try to turn down the gangster rap that's always blaring from his dressing room by a few decibels, but he's not making any promises.
  
  
• Coach's Corner will continue to have a fake opening that just leads to another commercial, which will fool you into prematurely shushing everyone in the room and then feeling like and idiot every single freaking time.
  
  
• The contract will include a small raise for Cherry's support staff and administrative assistants, and a massive raise for the poor sap who has to do his closed captioning.
  
  
• The CBC agrees to assist in international efforts to track down every existing copy of the 1993 novelty single "Rock'em Sock'em Techno", load them onto a rocket ship, and shoot it into the center of the sun.
  
  
• Cherry will somehow continue to be allowed to be the only person on the planet to hold offensively out-dated and moronic views, such as expressing a preference for his own country.
  
  
• In an effort to silence the chorus of critics who constantly demand that he be fired, each Cherry appearance will now be preceded by a brief reminder that he's just going to end up being replaced by Mike Milbury.
  
  
• Cherry will be limited to no more than five sick days per year, although Bruin fans know that he'll probably get confused and accidentally use six.

Inside Gary Bettman's Super Bowl party

Of course, Bettman immediately launched
an intricate conspiracy against the wings.

The NHL took a rare night off on Sunday. And as regular readers know, a night off usually means one thing: One of Gary Bettman's famous parties, where players and personalities from around the league gather to enjoy each other's company.

Scene: Gary Bettman's living room. Bettman is wearing a Penguins jersey with "Steelers" written on it in magic marker. Co-host Donald Fehr is wearing a cheesehead.

In the living room, a crowd has gathered around a large board that contains a traditional Super Bowl squares pool. One guest is finishing a lengthy dissertation.

Ted Leonsis: And that, my friends, is how to win a Super Bowl squares pool. It's the perfect strategy, and you should all thank me for sharing my genius with you.

Bettman: That's great, Ted. So are you going to buy a $2 square or what?

Leonsis: Uh, I'm a little short. Any chance somebody can chip in some of that?

Richard Peddie sighs, and hands over some change.

Leonsis (under his breath): Genius…

Bettman: OK, looks like the board is almost all filled. Has everyone had a chance to pick their square?

Fehr: Yeah, every single person at the party. Well, everyone except…

Everyone turns to stare at one guest.

Phil Kessel: Sigh.

Alexander Ovechkin runs over and snaps a photo.

Bettman: Leave him alone, Alex. OK, the big game is almost ready to start. Does everyone have a place to sit?

Cory Clouston climbs into his booster seat. John Ferguson Jr. sits down on the floor, facing the wrong way. Detroit Red Wings GM Ken Holland points out a comfortable chair in the corner.

Holland: I've thought about it, done my homework, weighed the pros and cons, and I've decided I'm going to sit right…

Garth Snow nonchalantly walks over and sits in Holland's spot.

Holland: Hey! Stop doing that!

Bettman: Tough break Ken. But there's still a bunch of empty chairs all around Phil.

Kessel: I hate you all so much.

The party is suddenly interrupted by the floor rumbling, followed by crashing sounds from outside.

Fehr (peering out window): Uh, Gary, there are 30 guys in tights running around outside, shooting lasers out of their eyes and smashing things.

Bettman: Thirty guys?

Fehr: Well, 29. Plus an angry tree. Who also seems to be wearing tights.

Bettman: Oh no. It's the heroes from our NHL Guardian project. Ever since we told Stan Lee that the entire idea was a terrible mistake, he's been threatening to unleash them against us.

Fehr: So wait, you're saying we're under attack from 30 angry heroes with super powers? What can we do?

Bettman: Brent?

Brent Johnson: I'll take care of it. Somebody hold my beer.

Johnson casually shakes off his glove and blocker and walks out the front the door. Three seconds later, he walks back in.

Johnson: They're all unconscious.

Bettman: Thanks Brent.

Johnson: Sorry it took so long. Hey, what happened to my beer?

Holland: Garth Snow probably took it.

Fehr: Uh oh. Gary, I thought we specifically said we weren't going to invite…

A figure emerges from the kitchen wearing an apron and oven mitts and carrying a tray.

Chris Pronger (cheery sing-song voice): Who wants some of my world-famous Super Bowl guacamole dip?

Everyone: NO!

Pronger: What? Why not?

Bettman: Well, for starters it's probably made out of ground up kitten hearts.

Pronger: Oh come on. Just because I occasionally play on the edge doesn't mean I can't be a well-rounded person off the ice. And it just so happens that I worked all afternoon on this special recipe because I thought that if I made you guys something nice then maybe, just this once, you'd start treating me like a friend instead of some kind of monster. I guess I was wrong.

Bettman: Wow. Sorry Chris.

Pronger: Sniffle.

Everyone digs in.

Bettman (mouth full): Wow, this is really good. (Chewing.) And where did you get the serving bowl that looks like a hollowed out human skull?

Pronger: "Looks like"?

Everyone spits out their food and begins retching.

Pronger: Boo-yah!

Bettman: Brent, you want to take care of this?

Johnson: I'm invincible, not crazy. I'm out of here.

Ovechkin: Me too.

Holland: Me too.

Garth Snow nonchalantly gets in Holland's car and drives away.

Holland: Oh come on!

Leonsis (disappearing out the door): This whole thing would have been so much better if I was in charge. Hey, can anyone spot me some cab fare?

Ferguson, Clouston and Peddie file out. Bettman and Fehr are left standing in the doorway.

Bettman: Wow. This place cleared out quick. I guess this is just another Bettman party disaster.

Fehr (placing an arm around Bettman): Yeah. But don't worry about it buddy. There's still time to make it to the party at Selig's house. I'll drive.

Bettman surveys the room, shakes his head, and turns for the door. He flicks off the light as he leaves.

Twenty minutes later, a lone figure still sitting in the otherwise empty room finally speaks.

Kessel: So do I get another car for this, or what?

Come on down: A history of the NHL's game show appearances

He later became a Leaf fan and
changed his name to Guy Frowny.

The NHL made an unexpected pop culture appearance this week when the Maple Leafs were the subject of a question on the game show Jeopardy!.

The question ("In action since 1917, this sports franchise is now largely owned by the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan") may have been somewhat ironic given recent news of a potential sale to Rogers, but it wasn't especially difficult. Two of the three contestants knew the correct answer, including Tom, the eventual champion. Hey, plan the parade, right?

But while it was certainly fun to see the Leafs make a cameo on one of the world's most popular game shows, it wasn't an especially rare sight. It may surprise younger fans to learn that the NHL actually has a long and distinguished history of showing up on some of television's most beloved games shows, albeit with mixed results.

Here's a few of the more memorable examples.

2008 - After multiple attempts to explain the rules of the bidding portion of the game, exasperated producers for The Price Is Right are forced to disqualify Glen Sather after he is unable to grasp the concept of "without going over".

1994 - While trying to figure out a way to get the blood and shards of teeth out of his hair, Family Feud host Richard Dawson vows to never again get lippy with the Sutter brothers.

1999 - Despite following the proven formula of using a bland former lawyer as host, the NHL Network is disappointed by the negative critical reception and record low ratings for their production of Win Gil Stein's Money.

2004 - During an uncomfortable episode of Wheel of Fortune, Gary Bettman spends 20 minutes squinting at a board reading "NOBODY IN PHOENIX ENJOYS WATCHING HOC-EY" without being able to solve the puzzle.

1995 - The Hollywood Squares becomes incredibly dull and begins to plummet in the ratings during the years after special guests Jacques Lemaire and Lou Lamoreillo develop a strategy that involves never doing anything except going for the block.

2005 - An outraged Kyle Wellwood storms off the set off Tic Tac Dough after learning that he is playing for an assortment of cash and prizes, and not for actual tic tacs and dough.

2009 - In a short-lived effort to appeal to hockey fans, NBC launches a show called Deal or No Deal or To Be Honest I'd Love To Make a Deal But I Can't Do Anything Until The Trade Deadline Because of This Stupid Salary Cap.

2010 - Lightning goaltender Dan Ellis declines an invitation to appear on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? on the grounds that it would just end up creating more problems.

2007 - A special "Enforcers of the NHL" edition of The Weakest Link unexpectedly turns out to be the series' final episode, although it does teach viewers a valuable lesson about what happens when you accidentally call Link Gaetz "weak".

1984 - Frustrated Press Your Luck host Peter Tomarken stops the show to explain to a St. Louis Blues fan contestant that while inconsistent goaltending is certainly an issue for any hockey team, there's still no need to punctuate every spin with cries of "No Wamsleys!"

2006 - "NHL Arena Music Director" week on Name That Tune ends up being a disaster when it turns out that none of them are able to name any tune that isn't Welcome To The Jungle, Cotton-Eyed Joe, or that one where they just keep saying "Woo-hoo".

1986 - A young John Ferguson Jr. appears on Let's Make A Deal, trades a brand new car for a goat, and then immediately gives the goat a no-trade clause.

Inside Gary Bettman's Halloween party

In hindsight, it may have been a mistake to
let John MacLean carve the pumpkin.

NHL fans likely noticed an odd schedule quirk over the weekend. After a Saturday that featured 28 teams in action for the busiest night of the year, there wasn't so much as a single game played on Sunday.

Coincidence? Maybe not. Sources tell me that the league-wide night off was the result of a direct order from commissioner Gary Bettman, who wanted to make sure everyone would be available to attend his annual Halloween party.

In fact, those same sources were there that night and provided me with a complete transcript of how the evening unfolded.

Scene: An opulent home in Manhattan. The party is just getting underway, and various NHL personalities are helping to put the finishing touches on the decorations. Colin Campbell is hanging black and orange streamers, Ken Holland is carving a pumpkin, and John Ferguson Jr. is hanging stockings over the fireplace.

There's a knock at the door, which is answered by a man in a Napoleon costume.

Gary Bettman: Hi! Come on in!

Deputy commissioner Bill Daly enters, wearing a banana costume with the number two painted on the back..

Daly: Hi Gary. How's the party going this year?

Bettman: So far, so good. It's a decent turnout, and everyone seems to be having fun.

Daly: What about the costumes?

Bettman: Hit and miss. The Sedins just switched jerseys and came as each other. But Mark Recchi's zombie outfit is getting more realistic every year, and Jarome Iginla looks great walking around with a Kings jersey and a calendar turned to March, 2011.

Daly: Who's the guy sitting on your couch in the elaborate Grim Reaper costume?

Bettman: Oh, that's Donald Fehr.

Daly: I see. And that necklace made of skulls is…

Bettman: Various MLB owners, apparently.

Daly: Wow. I'm surprised you even invited him.

Bettman: I didn't. He's been sitting there like that since August.

Fehr points a bony finger at Bettman, then takes a bite out of one of the skulls.

Bettman and Daly: (shudder)

They're interrupted by Peter Chiarelli, wearing a black toque and bandit's mask.

Chiarelli: Um, did you guys know that John Ferguson Jr. is hiding eggs in your front yard?

Daly: Yeah, don't worry about it. What's with the burglar's outfit?

Chiarelli: Hold on a second.

Chiarelli reaches over and grabs a handful of candy from the bag of an unsuspecting Brian Burke.

Chiarelli: Sorry, you were saying?

Daly: Never mind. That reminds me, Gary, how's the rest of the candy distribution going?

Bettman: Not so good. Ted Leonsis keeps telling everyone they're doing it wrong. Glenn Sather gave the first kid who showed up twice as much candy as he deserved. And Lou Lamoriello gave all his candy to Ilya Kovalchuk and now doesn't have any left over for anyone else.

Daly: Ouch.

Bettman: Also, let's just say that giving out lollipops to James Wisniewski was a bad idea.

They're interrupted by Brian Burke, dressed as mad scientist.

Bettman: Hi Brian. Enjoying the party?

Burke: Well, I just found out the Peter Chiarelli stole all my candy. But I'm just going to pretend that I'm OK with that, and that everything went according to plan. You all believe me, don't you?

Bettman: Of course we do.

Burke: By the way, great job on the decorations out front. The blood-splattered walls, the bodies sprawled every where, the anguished shrieks that echo out from all corners…

Bettman: Uh, we didn't decorate the front of the house.

Burke: Oh. Then that would mean…

Bettman: Oh no…

A figure riding a motorcycle smashes through Bettman's plate-glass window and skids to a stop in his living room.

Chris Pronger: Boo-yah!

Bettman stares at Pronger's outfit: a torn straightjacket, dented welder's mask, and spiked leather shoulder pads with what appear to be eyeballs stuck on the tips.

Bettman: Hi Chris. Nice costume.

Pronger: Costume?

Bettman: Never mind. Help yourself to the buffet.

Pronger: Ooh, crab cakes!

Daly: Rough night, eh Gary?

Bettman: Well, put it this way. Nobody seems to have enough candy. Half the guest list is currently being loaded into ambulances thanks to Chris Pronger. Donald Fehr just managed to convince the paramedics to go on strike. And John Ferguson Jr. appears to be handing out homemade Valentine's cards.

Daly: Hmm.

Bettman: You know what this means, don't you Bill?

Daly: I sure do, Gary.

Bettman: Tonight's party has been easily the most successful thing I've accomplished in my 17 years as commissioner!

Daly: And they said these parties can't be scary.

Tips for dominating your fantasy hockey draft

After drafting my fifth Red Wing, I
realized my magazine was from 2002.

As the days count down to the start of the NHL's regular season, hockey fans are preparing for an annual September tradition: their fantasy hockey drafts.

A strong draft can give you an enormous advantage in your league, one that could translate into a spot in the winner's circle at the end of the season. The key is to be prepared, and to go into your draft with a focused strategy.

Here are some fantasy draft tips that will help you dominate your league this year.

• Remember that a new coach can have a big influence on a team's offensive output. So make sure to factor in the impact of Tom Renney in Edmonton, John Maclean in New Jersey, and whoever will be coaching the Rangers by mid-December.
  
  
• Instead of using traditional categories like goals and assists, suggest that your pool move to more advanced stats like Corsi and Delta SOT that do a better job of measuring a player's true value. This will give you an advantage during the draft, since your opponents will be distracted thinking about how much they'd like to punch you.
  
  
• If you're lucky enough to get the first overall pick in your draft, be sure to take Alexander Ovechkin. Because if you don't and Capitals owner Ted Leonsis finds out about it, uh oh, here come the blog posts.
  
  
• Be sure to come to your draft with a nice thick magazine. This will give you something to hit your laptop with in case your wireless connection keeps cutting out.
  
  
• Make sure to move Carey Price up your rankings if you play in a league that awards points for bitter, bitter tears.
  
  
• Every year there are a few players who greatly exceed even the most optimistic projections, and who can almost single-handedly determine the winner of a pool. You should probably try to figure out who those guys are going to be this year and then draft a whole bunch of them.
  
  
• As of this week, Vesa Toskala had yet to sign with an NHL team. Until he does, don't forget to reduce your scoring projections for every player in the league by about 25%.
  
  
• Consider using a late pick on Wade Redden if you're looking for a sleeper on the blueline who can quarterback a powerplay and put up decent point totals. You did say you're doing an AHL pool, right?
  
  
• It's always a good strategy to load up on players from teams like the Maple Leafs and Senators, who should finish the season strong since they won't have to save up their energy for the playoffs.
  
  
• Don't be "that guy" who goes to a hockey game and yells at the players to let them know they're on your fantasy team. To really get their attention, you'll need to whisper it from under their bed just as they're falling asleep.
  
  
• Don't forget, before spending a first round pick on Ilya Kovalchuk always check with Gary Bettman first to find out if it's OK.
  
  
• Be aware of your league's roster rules and the potential consequences of not following them. For example, failing to have two NHL goaltenders on your roster can result in invalid lineups, forfeited matchups, and a front office job offer from the Flyers.
  
  
• If you had Olli Jokinen on your team last year and were constantly disappointed by his lacklustre performance, for God's sakes don't go out and reacquire him for this season.
  
  
• Sure, it's always more fun to play in a pool with an "easy money" guy who puts together a terrible team that finishes dead last every year. But John Ferguson Jr. already told you that he's busy this week, so stop calling him.

Behind the scenes on Kaberle deadline day

See Tomas, normally the eyebrows would
be divided somewhere around here.

The eyes of the hockey world were focused sharply on Toronto on Sunday. With long-time defenseman Tomas Kaberle's no-trade clause coming back into effect at midnight, the Leafs were faced with a race against the clock to find a trading partner.

And while the day ultimately ended without a deal for Kaberle in place, it wasn't from lack of trying. Top secret sources tell me that Maple Leafs' general manager Brian Burke and his front office staff spent the entire day locked in their MLSE war room fielding offers.

Here's how the day went down:

7:32 a.m. - Burke makes a point of once again complimenting John Ferguson Jr. for having the foresight to negotiate a trade window into Kaberle's contract, before politely informing him that he'd still prefer not to have his windshield squeegeed that day.

7:49 a.m. - Burke stops at a Tim Hortons drive-through and asks for the largest box of Timbits they have, since he wants to make sure each of his assistant GMs gets one.

9:05 a.m. - Attempted talks with New Jersey go nowhere when Devils' GM Lou Lamoriello responds to every proposal with a sarcastic "Gee, I'm not sure, let me go ask Gary Bettman if I'm allowed to do that".

10:21 a.m. - The scouting department for the San Jose Sharks calls to thank the Leafs for sending over that footage of Kaberle in action during the postseason, but wonders if they also happen to have any that's in color.

1:51 p.m. - After three straight hours without being able to get a dial tone, the Leafs' front office staff begins to notice that the service technician who showed up that morning to work on the phone lines actually looks a lot like Rick Curran with a fake moustache and pair of wire cutters.

2:35 p.m. - As rumours begin to circulate that Kaberle may not be moved after all, the Leafs PR department is deluged with requests from media getting a head start on their upcoming seven-month "Kaberle Trade Deadline 2011 Watch" series.

3:42 p.m. - Tampa Bay emerges as a potential destination, but talks proceed slowly as Lightning general manager Steve Yzerman constantly interrupts Burke to ask if he can remind him how 2010 Gold Medal game turned out.

4:11 p.m. - The various assistant GMs all agree that while the handwriting is lovely and the photo is a nice personal touch, now probably isn't a good time to show Burke the "Thanks for Tyler Seguin" card that just arrived in the mail from Peter Chiarelli.

5:25 p.m. - The Detroit Red Wings express some interest in acquiring Kaberle, but eventually decide that now isn't the time for a youth movement.

6:46 p.m. - Tomas Kaberle himself calls to say that while he can handle Ron Wilson spending all day in front of his house waiting to drive him to the airport, he could do without him also constantly honking the horn and revving the engine.

7:20 p.m. - The Leafs' continue to struggle to find a market for defensemen when Dave Nonis is unsuccessful in his attempt to tip the pizza deliveryman with the rights to Jeff Finger.

8:49 p.m. - After being put through to voicemail for the fifteenth time in a row, Burke starts to get a sinking feeling that Darryl Sutter now has caller ID.

10:47 p.m. - Potentially promising negotiations go sour when Burke realizes that all those phone calls from the GM who seems to love soft European player who don't play defence are actually coming from the next door office of a confused Bryan Colangelo.

12:01 a.m. - A bruised and battered Richard Peddie tries to figure out what it was about his "Hey, gang, there's always tomorrow" pep talk that made everyone so cranky.

A buyer's guide to the remaining NHL free agents - 2010

Boogard got how much?

As hockey's off-season drags on, there are still dozens of unrestricted free agents who haven't found a team for the upcoming season. Many will end up being exiled to Europe or even retirement, while others will manage to find a job in the NHL.

But which ones? Here's an honest look at the strengths and weaknesses of some of the best known free agents remaining on the market, along with a prediction of where they could ultimately wind up.

Antti Niemi
The bad: Was easily the most over-rated Stanley Cup winning goalie in the entire league last year.
The good: Doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit", although technically that's also true of all the other words in the English language.
Where he'd fit: Philadelphia, according to everyone in the entire hockey world who doesn't work in the Flyers' front office.

Lee Stempniak
The bad: Only seems to play well in Phoenix, which pretty much limits him to one-year offers.
The good: Hasn't played for the Maple Leafs since the trade deadline, so most of the loser stench has worn off by now.
Where he'd fit: Any team that only hired a scouting staff in mid-March.

Paul Kariya
The bad: Most scouts agree that his dimples are slightly less adorable than they used to be.
The good: Was at one point, many years ago, Paul Kariya.
Where he'd fit: Pretty much any team that's looking for a veteran scoring winger to play on a line with Teemu Selanne.

Ilya Kovalchuk
The bad: May have suffered a series of undisclosed head injuries during his career, based on his apparent willingness to commit to spending 17 years in New Jersey.
The good: Will no doubt be well-rested after the upcoming year-long work stoppage that he caused.
Where he'd fit: Any team that's been smart enough to preserve some cap room in 2027.

Owen Nolan
The bad: Is widely recognized as one of the worst NHL players that Belfast, Northern Ireland has ever produced.
The good: Can offer detailed scouting reports on the 30 NHL teams, all of which he's recently played for.
Where he'd fit: A team that believes it is one salt-and-pepper goatee away from contending.

Kyle Wellwood
The bad: Has occasionally experienced minor conditioning setbacks, which some bloggers have cruelly exaggerated to get cheap laughs.
The good: Is an extremely well-rounded player. Often appears to be everywhere on the ice at the same time. Has an overwhelming presence which can dominate the dressing room. Is unanimously considered to be one of the hungriest players in the league.
Where he'd fit: Any roster with a large hole to fill.

Miroslav Satan
The bad: Is always going on and on about his theory that the whole thing was just a dream by Leonardo DiCaprio's character, which is odd since he's talking about the seventh season of Growing Pains.
The good: Was an alternate on the NHL's millennial All-Miroslav team.
Where he'd fit: The New Jersey Devils, according to the International Union of Hilarious Newspaper Headline Writers.

Jose Theodore
The bad: Goal scoring totals have dropped significantly since 2000-01 season.
The good: Has been known to entertain teammates with hilarious made-up stories about winning the Hart Trophy.
Where he'd fit: Any NHL team where he wouldn't have to worry about once again losing his starter's job to Cristobel Huet. So, any NHL team.

Darcy Tucker
The bad: Is too old and broken down these days to randomly leap into opponent's benches any more; now just sort of limps over and then tumbles in.
The good: Critics who accuse him of being dirty don't have a leg to stand on, mostly because he's blown out both their knees.
Where he'd fit: Sami Kapanen's sweat-drenched nightmares.

Vesa Toskala
The bad: Often reminds you of the love child of Hardy Astrom and Andre Racicot, assuming that child was forced to play goal before developing gross motor skills.
The good: Has never been one of those irresponsible goalies who takes a brand new set of equipment and then spends the season ruining it by letting a bunch of pucks hit it.
Where he'd fit: As the backup for whatever ECHL team John Ferguson Jr. is working for these days.

Free agency: The NBA vs. the NHL

Hey Chris, that coffee machine over there
isn't going to just work itself.

The first few weeks of July mark the start of free agency in both hockey and basketball. And while both leagues can usually be counted on for some entertaining signings, there's little doubt that 2010 was all about the NBA.

Between the NHL's lacklustre crop of free agents and the NBA's much-hyped "big three" and beyond, every sports fan in North America has been transfixed by the daily intrigue of NBA free agency. And that no doubt includes many hockey fans who have otherwise never followed basketball, and may be confused by some of the what they're seeing.

Have no fear, hockey fans. NBA free agency is really very similar to the NHL version, with only a few key differences. To help you make sense of it all, I've prepared this handy guide to help you compare and contrast the two leagues.

NBA free agency: America's largest sports networks allows a star player to spend an hour announcing his decision in a farcical display of tone deaf self-promotion.
NHL free agency: Canadian networks would never participate in such a vulgar display due to higher journalistic standards, a distaste for self-aggrandizing hype, and the lack of available airtime due to their previously scheduled round-the-clock "NHL Free Agent Super-Mega-Frenzy 2010" coverage.

NBA free agency: To the horror of fans, one team can assemble an instant dynasty by just going out and buying three of the best young players in the game.
NHL free agency: A team can only assemble a team of young superstars the honorable way: by purposely tanking several seasons for high draft picks.

NBA free agency: Teams are often unable to free up roster spots by trading players thanks to the intricacies of the salary cap.
NHL free agency: Teams are often unable to free up roster spots by trading players thanks to contracts given out by John Ferguson Jr.

NBA free agency: Players and teams may begin negotiating on July 1 but can not finalize a contract until July 8, in an effort to avoid tampering.
NHL free agency: No such restrictions are needed; unfailingly honest players and teams respect the league's strict tampering rules, then agree to complicated multi-year contracts 15 minutes after free agency begins.

NBA free agency: If you're really tall, some team will pay you millions of dollars even though you never learned how to skate.
NHL free agency: Derek Boogard.

NBA free agency: Teams can exceed the salary cap by resigning their own players thanks to a rule known as the Bird exception.
NHL free agency: Teams can exceed the roster limits by building a lineup consisting entirely of defencemen thanks to a rule known as the Burke exception.

NBA free agency: "The July Moratorium" is the first week of July each year, during which teams may not sign free agents or make trades.
NHL free agency: "The July Moratorium" is Ilya Kovalchuk's new nickname.

NBA free agency: Teams can achieve temporary cap relief by sending players to a minor league organization known as the D-League.
NHL free agency: Teams can achieve temporary cap relief by sending players to a minor league organization known as the Atlanta Thrashers.

NBA free agency: A player can undo years of positive image management with one foolish appearance on ESPN.
NHL free agency: Players wisely avoid this risk by never being mentioned on ESPN, ever, for any reason.

NBA free agency: The entire proceedings are overseen by a commissioner who is dedicated to making the NBA the most popular winter sports league in the world.
NHL free agency: Same.

NHL free agency through the years

With free agency season upon us, all eyes are focused on this year's crop of UFAs. Who'll get the best deal? Who'll bolt for the KHL? Which teams will improve, and which will be left on the sidelines?

We'll know soon enough. But in the meantime, let's remind ourselves of how unpredictable free agency can be by looking back at some notable signings from recent years.

Daniel and Henrik Sedin, Vancouver, 2009 - After signing a last-minute extension with the Canucks, the twins' plans to celebrate with a slice of that big cake that showed up on their doorstep that morning are ruined at 12:01 when Brian Burke awkwardly pops out of it.

Colton Orr, Toronto, 2009 - Orr becomes one of the highest paid enforcers in league history, thanks to a deal with Toronto that pays him a quarter for every time he punches Matt Carkner in the face.

Marion Gaborik, New York, 2009 - The Rangers sign the oft-injured star to a $37.5M deal. While other teams were willing to match the money, the Rangers were the only team to meet Gaborik's demands of a "no playoff-clinching shooutout" clause.

Brian Campbell & Cristobal Huet, Chicago, 2008 - The Blackhawks sign the pair to long-term contracts that most observers feel are significantly overpriced. While many fans fear the contracts will cripple the Hawks, the front office assures fans that the team will be able to stay under the salary cap thanks to careful roster management, judicious use of buyouts, or at least some other team eventually hiring Rick Dudley.

Thomas Vanek, Edmonton, 2007 - After an 84-point season, Vanek signs a $50M offer sheet with the Oilers which the Sabres are forced to match. After realizing how close he came to spending the rest of his career in Edmonton, a shaken Vanek vows to never risk attracting the Oilers' attention again by spending the next several seasons disguised as a second-liner.

Gary Roberts, Toronto, 2000 - Roberts agrees to terms with the Leafs, choosing their contract of just under $3M a season over the Senators' offer of "Oh god, sir, please don't hurt us, take whatever you want and just leave us alone".

Chris Drury and Scott Gomez, New York, 2007 - Upon learning that critics are calling the signings the worst free agent contracts that are even theoretically possible, Glen Sather mutters "we'll see about that" and circles Wade Redden's name with a yellow highlighter.

Sean Avery, Dallas, 2008 - Upon signing Avery, Stars general manager Brett Hull tells him "Hey, I know you're better known as a Ranger, but we don't mind picking up other teams' sloppy seconds. Ha ha! Um, why are you writing that down?"

Peter Forsberg, Philadelphia, 2005 - Coming out of the NHL lockout, Forsberg shuns the Avalanche to sign with the Flyers. "I really wanted to make the right decision," Forsberg tells reporters, "because I know that the experience of being an unrestricted free agent is one I'll only ever get to have once, maybe twice, per year, for the rest of my career."

Jason Blake, Toronto, 2007 - The Leafs agree to terms with Blake early in the day, although the actual contract signing is delayed several hours due to technical problems after it's discovered that John Ferguson Jr. had earlier tried to fax himself a grilled cheese sandwich.

MLSE's Real Sports Bar & Grill: The leaked menu

Last night was the highly anticipated grand opening of MLSE's Real Sports Bar & Grill. The massive establishment is the latest crown jewel in the MLSE corporate empire, and is sure to become Toronto's premier dining destination. Located right outside the ACC, Real Sports will open to the public next week and hosted a special invitation-only sneak peek last night.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it due to prior commitments, travel complications, and the restraining order. But some of my spies were able to sneak in and get their hands on one of the menus. Even though it's top secret, I'm publishing it here.

Ever wondered what a Maple Leafs-themed restaurant would serve up? Wonder no more.

Download

Vancouver 2010: Worst Olympics Ever?

Kyle Wellwood's backyard barbeque

The Vancouver Olympics are now halfway over and organizers have been subjected to harsh international criticism, including some that has gone so far as to label them the "worst ever".

While my first instinct as a Canadian is to defend the Games, the truth is that the event has indeed seen several high-profile problems. Is it the worst ever? I'm not sure. But it's been far from perfect.

I've kept track of the issues I've noticed since the Games began. Here's a list of a dozen serious problems that I think we'd all agree have marred the games so far:

• Despite the numerous guarantees all over their flyer, lazy Dominos Pizza guy failed to deliver Wayne Gretzky to the outdoor cauldron in 30 minutes or less.
  
  
• The biathlon has featured slower than normal times, as competitors are unable to resist the urge to stop and take a few shots at Ben Mulroney.
  
  
• The controversial decision by skiing officials to replace the traditional Men's and Women's Downhill with the far more challenging Men's and Women's Uphill.
  
  
• Due to communications breakdown, nobody remembered to tell the American hockey team that they're not supposed to be good.
  
  
• While the opening ceremony does traditionally feature elements which celebrate the host nation's shared cultural identity, the two-and-a-half hour musical tribute to "Why we all hate Toronto" seemed excessive.
  
  
• Despite vows that the new figure skating scoring system would prevent judging controversies, eyebrows were raised when the men's event was won by Swedish legend Gillis Grafström despite him not attempting a quad and also having died in the 1939.
  
  
• Both Canadian and American women's hockey games have been difficult to follow due to shoddy Vancouver scoreboards which do not have enough space to display triple digits.
  
  
• Stringent drug testing lead to a scandal in the curling competition, when it was revealed that some teams were falling slightly short of the sport's strict minimum blood-alcohol level.
  
  
• Frustrated American fans have been forced to endure delayed coverage, such as NBC broadcasts from that afternoon, MSNBC highlight packages from the previous day, and Rick Reilly jokes from 1993.
  
  
• Apparently forgot to tell the Russians that there's an Olympics this year.
  
  
• Over halfway through the Games, the much-hyped Canadian men's hockey team has failed to win even a single medal.
  
  
• In hindsight, it's probably a bad sign when the guy in charge of operating the opening ceremony hydraulics system has a resume that includes "Toronto Maple Leafs General Manager, 2004-08".

An open letter to Vesa Toskala

What's Swedish for "GTFO"?

Former Maple Leafs goalie Vesa Toskala was recently quoted taking a few shots at Toronto, telling reporters that he was looking forward to an opportunity to "wash that blue and white out of my gear".

Toskala is certainly entitled to his opinions. However, in the spirit of respectful dialog, Down Goes Brown would like to offer the response below.

Dear Vesa,

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'll pause for a moment while you configure your screen reading software.

It's now been ten days since you were traded. Soon you'll be making your debut with Anaheim, pending the resolution of some visa issues that were presumably caused by a customs agent who was a Ducks fan. In any event, it was probably a pleasant change for you to be involved in a story where something was actually denied entry.

You're currently involved in a mini-controversy with your new team, who have denied your request to wear your familiar #35. They're apparently unaware of how important that number is to you, given that it represents your approximate career save percentage. But let's not focus on Anaheim -- instead, let's take a look back at your time in Toronto.

You came to Toronto three years ago when you were acquired in a trade by John Ferguson Jr., which should have been our first hint as to how things would turn out. In your initial training camp you managed to lose the starter's job to Andrew Raycroft, which is somewhat like losing a slam dunk contest to Stephen Hawking. But eventually you assumed the starter's role, and fans in Toronto had a chance to get to know you.

You had your good points. For example, fans never had to worry about an extended streak of poor performances since you could always be counted on to fake a groin injury as soon as things went bad. You were responsible for more groin-related fakery than Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. The only legitimate lower-body injury you ever suffered was a chronic distended bladder, caused by your unfortunate habit of taking a small sip of water after every goal against.

Despite that, fans were prepared to embrace you. Toronto is a town that loves its goaltenders, from the prickly Ed Belfour to the comatose Felix Potvin. We were ready to make you our next goaltending idol, like Curtis Joseph. Instead, after three seasons the only Joseph-inspired activity we wanted to see you involved with was a roundhouse kick to the face.

(And yes, I could have also gone with "getting hit in the face with a Wendel Clark slapshot". But that would involve a puck making contact with you, and we have no actual evidence that that's physically possible.)

Since the trade, we've learned that you didn't enjoy working with Leafs goaltending coach François Allaire, who described you as "not a guy who likes to build relations with coaches". In fairness, Allaire was probably difficult to work with since his three Stanley Cup rings would distract you when he tried to point out that you had your pads on upside down. Word is you had trouble adapting to the famous "Allaire style", which includes such complex techniques as "Don't stand with your entire body inside the net", "Hey maybe try opening your eyes for a change", and "Seriously, get out of your net before I run over you with this zamboni".

Anyway, you may be gone, but we'll always have the memories. For example, you once allowed a 185-foot dribbler to beat you in Long Island. Many physicists would argue that it's impossible to get beat top corner by a puck that's actually rolling, but you managed to prove them wrong. Then you outdid yourself this season in a game against the Sabres, when you managed to reach out with your glove hand and deflect a harmless dump-in straight into your own net. The goal was watched with disbelief by Leaf fans around the world, who until that moment had been unaware that you actually owned a glove hand.

All this is not to say that everyone in Toronto is happy to see you go. The local twine-repair industry, until recently a multi-million dollar business, has fallen on hard times. But local environmentalists are thrilled that MLSE has significantly reduced its carbon footprint, since it will no longer have a red light bulb that stays lit for most of every game.

It didn't work out for you in Toronto, but I'm sure Leaf fans join me in wishing you best in your future endeavors. Good luck the rest of the year in Anaheim, next year in the KHL, two years from now in ECHL, three years from now in the GTHL, and, eventually, as the starter in Montreal.

Just get the hell out of Toronto. And don't let the door handle slip untouched through your fivehole on the way out.

Your friends,
Leafs Nation

Down Goes Brown turns two

As you may be aware, I store a lot of useless hockey trivia in my head. That sort of thing doesn't leave a lot of room for, well, anything else. So I'm pretty bad at remembering things like people's names, dates, or really anything else other than what the CBC's pregame montage music was before game six of the Leafs/Sharks series in 1994.

So it's no real surprise that I forgot somebody's anniversary yesterday: mine.

Two years and a day ago, Down Goes Brown launched. February of 2008 was a wonderful time to be a Leafs fan; John Ferguson had just been fired, Cliff Fletcher was the interim general manager, and fans couldn't wait for the massive rebuild that was about to take place as soon as the minor matter of all those NTCs could be worked out. The era of trading away first round picks was long gone, a return to the playoff was right around the corner, and it seemed like a great time to launch a blog.

The very first post was a short recap of a win over the Habs. It also featured a line about Kyle Wellwood being fat, which I decided would be pretty funny as long as I didn't beat the joke into the ground.

Two years and 369 posts later, the site's grown beyond anything I'd ever expected. In the site's first six months, I was thrilled to get 1,000 visits in a week. These days, I sometimes get that many in an hour.

The one and only reason for that growth is you, the DGB readers who make a point of stopping by, subscribing, and occasionally linking back from forums, blogs facebook, and twitter. Interacting with fellow hockey fans is easily the most enjoyable part of all of this. Thanks to everyone who helps spread the word.

If you're relatively new, here's a recap of DGB's first year. And here's the recent list that covers the most popular posts of year two.

Thanks again for your continued support. Back tomorrow with a new post, in which I say a heartfelt goodbye to a recently traded Maple Leaf.

(Oh, and just in case you were wondering: "I Will Not Go Quietly", by Don Henley ft. Axl Rose.)

Dear Toronto Maple Leafs: I quit*

Dear 2009-10 Leafs. You have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I hate you.

I tweeted that after the Florida loss. It was an throwaway comment, a little bit of online venting. But it apparently struck a chord, because it became the most retweeted thing I've ever posted. The National Post even picked it up, using it in their weekly power rankings. (It's in the Leafs' section, so you have to scroll down. Way, way down.)

The irony is that I was only half right. This year's team does indeed have no redeeming qualities. But I don't hate them. I hated the JFJ/Muskoka Five teams. But not this current team. I can't. Hatred requires passion.

This current team doesn't inspire passion. They inspire something far, far worse: Boredom. There is no reason to watch this team. It's the same story, every night. They give up the first goal. They blow a lead at some point. They have a bunch of breakdowns. They outshoot the other team by a mile but you can't remember them having any actual scoring chances. And then they lose.

I'm tired of watching them.

The team looks like they've quit on the coach, but he's not going anywhere. Home games are depressingly quiet. There's a handful of decent young players, but nobody that makes you feel like you're seeing the early stages of something special. For all the talk of truculence, the team isn't remotely difficult to play against.

They have no identity. No passion. No point. They're just... there. Drifting their way through year five of The Rebuild That Refused To Start.

So I'm going to do something about it: Quit. I'm tagging out. I'm done with this team. I'm not watching the Leafs anymore.

For a month. Then I'll be back.

Yes, I'm going to try a little bit of a Leafs cleanse. I'm not going to watch a game until the end of February. For the first time since I was four years old, I'm not going to watch any Leafs games during the regular season for a full month.

The idea came to me after the Kings game. I didn't get to watch the game, and afterwards I realized that I hadn't missed it at all. I kept up with what was happening on twitter, reading updates while nodding and muttering "Yeah, that sounds about right". But I was happier. Or at least less miserable, which is a start.

The timing seems right. Obviously the Olympics will eat up two weeks anyway, so I'll only be missing seven games. And the next week brings three games against Brodeur and the Devils and one against Luongo and the Canucks, so it's not like I'll miss any Leaf goals.

If all goes well I'll be back in March, re-energized and ready to enjoy the Leafs again. It will even be just in time to catch the current team's last gasps before Brian Burke blows them up for good at the deadline. (You know, assuming the CBA doesn't mean that making the occasional trade is too much to ask from the highest paid GM in the history of the league.)

I realize I'm opening myself up to charges up bandwagon hopping here. I don't see it that way. I'm a diehard Leafs fan and always will be, and that hasn't changed. I'll still be a fan. I'll still follow the team, I'll still read the blogs and the columnists. I'll still write about them here, and in fact I'll probably have time to write more.

I just won't watch. I don't see any need to suffer through almost three hours of misery every few nights.

What will I do instead? I have no idea. I might try to introduce myself to these other people who seem to live in my house. The blonde girl is pretty cute, so maybe I'll try listening when she talks to me, which she seems to do quite a lot. Maybe I'll even get to know that tiny one who always follows me around crying and waving an empty food bowl as if that's somehow my problem.

I'm also going to catch up on my reading. I used to spend a lot of time with those... what were they called... you know, the things with the pages and the words. Pizza menus! That was it. I've got a backlog of those to work through.

And I'll keep watching hockey. I'll be following the Olympics of course. But I'll also watch other NHL games. Whichever one seems most interesting, I'll watch. But not the Leafs. It will feel like the playoffs.

But mostly I'll probably watch old youtube clips and play some NHL 94. After all, I'm still a Leafs fan. I just need to find a version of the team that's worth caring about.

*Offer null and void if the Burke somehow lands a star defenceman and cup winning goalie without giving up much of anything.

The other Toronto Maple Leaf training camp letters

If you're a Leafs fan, you've probably seen this training camp letter from 1962 by now. It's been making the e-mail rounds for weeks.

The apparently real letter is from Leafs' GM Punch Imlach to player Jim Pappin, informing him of the schedule for the upcoming training camp. It's filled with nostalgia for a bygone era, including quaint references to train travel, mandatory golfing sessions, and the requirement that all players be able to do 20 pushups.

But while the Pappin letter makes for a fun look back at hockey's past, many fans don't realize that these letters are a Toronto tradition. Every summer, the current Leafs general manager sits down to type out a letter to his players to let them know what to expect in September. And I just happen to have several original copies in my collection.

For example, here's the letter Brian Burke sent out this past summer:

Can't see the image? Download it here.

And here's the letter from the year before, when Cliff Fletcher was in charge:

Can't see the image? Download it here.

And, of course, the 2007 letter:

Can't see the image? Download it here.

The Top 20 Maple Leaf moments of the decade - Part 1

What has four eyes, no rings and one brain?

Oh, the 00's. What a terrible god-forsaken soul-crushingly awful interesting decade you were.

We had good times (cough, Quinn, cough), bad times (cough, Ferguson I hope you get run over by a cement truck in front of a daycare, cough), and cautious optimism. The decade had a little bit of everything.

Well, except for that big trophy thing. Can't remember what it's called. The Stanford something? It's probably not important.

So here's part one of a look a back at the top 20 Leaf moments of the decade. To keep it simple, we'll limit this to moments that happened on the ice. (Or, in limited cases, in the opponent's bench.)

20. Luke Schenn vs. Evgeni Malkin and Tyler Kennedy - Jan. 31, 2009

This wasn't the biggest hit of the decade, or the most entertaining fight. Not even close, really. But the moment did come to symbolize Schenn's potential, and his status as the centerpiece of the Leafs long-awaited rebuild. Finally, after years of JFJ-induced misery, there was hope. There was a future.

Of course, that was before Schenn regressed into a seventh-string press box denizen. But it was fun for a few months.

• Watch it on youtube


19. Owen Nolan wins the "flu game" - Feb. 5, 2004

This game was one of the most bizarre NHL games in recent memory, featured the Leafs greatest comeback of the decade, and marks the first of approximately 18 appearances by the Senators in this list.

The game started off as a typical Leafs/Sens regular season matchup, which is to say the Senators were on their way to an easy blowout win. Midway through the second period, Ottawa was cruising with a 4-0 lead.

Cue the comeback! Oh, and also the explosive diarrhea.

Both teams were battling a severe flu outbreak, but the Ottawa strain was apparently worse. Halfway through the game, the Sens bench began emptying as players were making between-shifts sprints to the restrooms. This marked the first time the Senators had ever soiled themselves during a game that didn't involve Tie Domi making eye contact with somebody.

By the end of regulation the Leafs had tied the game, and Nolan ended it in overtime with a long range slapshot. Afterwards, when reporters went to Nolan looking for a sympathetic quote on the Senators illness woes, he responded with an infamous quote: "boo hoo".


18. Cory Cross scores in OT to beat Ottawa - April 16, 2001

This was probably the least memorable of the (many) overtime goals the Leafs managed against the Senators, since it came in the middle of a fairly easy four-game sweep in 2001. But it was actually a critically important goal.

The Leafs had won the opening two games, shutting out the heavily favored Sens twice in Ottawa. In game three, Curtis Joseph took yet another shutout into the third period as the Leafs lead 2-0. But then a potential series turning point: the Senators scored twice, including the tying goal in the dying seconds. With the game headed to overtime, Leaf fans had to wonder if this was the beginning of an epic collapse.

It wasn't. Journeyman defensive defenceman Cory Cross drilled home a rebound to win it, and in the process became the worst player to ever score an overtime goal for the Leafs (sorry, Gary Valk).

• Watch it on youtube


17. Belak vs. Janssen - March 20, 2007

This just seems appropriate for #17, no?

Everyone remembers the circumstances leading up to this epic battle. Weeks earlier, Cam Janssen had sidelined Tomas Kaberle with an obvious cheap shot. Everyone knew that payback would be coming from Wade Belak, and everyone was right.

I'm not saying this was a long fight, but they dropped the gloves in March of 2007 and it just ended a few minutes ago.

• Watch it on youtube


16. Travis Green's OT winner against the Flyers - April 21, 2003

A lot of fans have forgotten this overtime winner, and with good reason. The 2003 playoffs were the only ones of the Quinn era that saw the Leafs make a first round exit, and most fans have saved precious space in their long-term memories for the longer runs that marked the first half of the decade.

Here's a depressing thought, though: this happened in 2003, and the Leafs haven't had an overtime playoff win since.


15. Kaberle quiets the Devils - May 5, 2001

Sometimes, hockey games seem destined follow a predictable storyline. Game five of the 2001 series between the Leafs and the Devils was one of those times.

This was the first game after Tie Domi's elbow had sidelines Scott Niedermayer, and the Devils were vowing revenge. Every hockey columnist on the continent had already agreed on the storyline: Domi's cement-headed cheapshot had robbed the Leafs of their momentum, woken up the sleeping Devils, and all but handed them the series. The Devils were officially the good guys, the Leafs were the hated villains, and game five would be a lesson in hockey karma.

Apparently, somebody forgot to tell Tomas Kaberle.

In the dying seconds of a 2-2 tie, Kaberle managed to sneak one by Martin Brodeur for the game winner. (By "sneak one by", I really mean "shot the puck into a wide open net because Brodeur had been blatantly run over in his crease seconds before", but let's not get picky.)

The Devils would still get their revenge, winning the last two games to take the series in seven. But for one night, at least, Tomas Kaberle and the Leafs gave the hockey world a nice big middle finger to go along with their blindside elbow.


14. Daniel Alfredsson's hit from behind on Darcy Tucker - May 12, 2002

OK, this one will seem like a strange pick. But stay with me.

Until the moment that Daniel Alfredsson blindsided Darcy Tucker (then scored the game-winner seconds later), you couldn't really hate the Ottawa Senators. Oh sure, the "Battle of Ontario" was well into its third playoff matchup in as many years. But it was meaningless rivalry, one that only mattered to insecure Ottawa fans who spent their time hating everything related to Toronto (when they weren't desperately trying to move there).

If you were a Leaf fan, you couldn't hate the Senators. You could feel sorry for them, maybe. You could be bored by them, probably. You could go weeks at a time without even remembering they existed, certainly. But hate them? Why?

Alfredsson provided a reason to, if not "hate" the Senators, at least be mildly annoyed by them. And that made the rest of the decade a lot more fun.

Man, what a cheap shot. I sure hope somebody gets that guy someday.


13. Mark Bell kills Daniel Alfredsson - April 3, 2008

This hit not only served up some long-overdue payback for the Tucker hit, it resulted in the only highlight of Paul Maurice's stint in Toronto: his observation that Senators reacted to the utter destruction of their captain with nothing but "some purse-swinging".

• Watch it on youtube
• OK, now go watch it again on youtube, you know you want to


12. Darcy Tucker's kamikaze bench dive - April 20, 2004

This is the moment where Darcy Tucker went from "Hey, this guy is crazy in a wacky and fun sort of way" to "Slowly inch away from him while staring at the floor and avoiding sudden movements".

• Read more about this moment


11. Sundin and Kaberle beat the Flyers in overtime - April 14, 2003

Much like Green's goal, this one hasn't really stood the test of time as being especially memorable. That said, it has to be on the list just based on the names involved. Mats Sundin executes one of his classic drives to the net, and Tomas Kaberle is in the right place at the right time. The two longest serving (and probably best) Maple Leafs of the decade combine to win a thriller.

• Watch it on youtube

Coming early next week: The top ten. Feel free to speculate in the comments, name something I completely forgot about, and make me rewrite the whole thing.

Road woes: NHL players vs. moving vehicles

Tragically, the YMCA sing-along
never got past "Y".

Last night's game against the Islanders gave Leafs fans their first chance to get a look at Brendan Witt since he was run over by an SUV on Tuesday.

But while the incident was unique in that it was the first time a news story included "Brendan Witt" and "hit" but not "elbow" and "pending suspension", it wasn't all that unusual. NHL players haven't been having much luck when they step out onto the street these days.

Here's a look back at some of the recent incidents and near-misses involving NHL players and moving vehicles:

The victim: Kyle Wellwood
The incident: Narrowly avoided high-speed collision with twin brother during moped ride.

The victim: Shane Doan
The incident: After a tough loss, stepped out into street and was hit by one of the several dozen moving vans that circle the Jobing.com Arena at all times.

The victim: Andrew Raycroft
The incident: Was so upset after a tough loss that he jumped in front of the team bus -- but it went through his legs! Literally. The force of the impact evaporated his legs. Oh god, it was horrific!

The victim: Jonathan Cheechoo
The incident: Stopped too suddenly at a red light; was rear-ended by the hearse that follows him around carrying his goal-scoring ability.

The victim: Zdeno Chara
The incident: Carelessly stepped in front of a speeding commuter train, causing massive damage to the train and slightly wrinkling his dress shirt.

The victim: John Ferguson Jr.
The incident: Chased a ball into the street and was nearly run over by the short bus that takes him work every morning.

The victim: The Philadelphia Flyers
The incident: Various players suffered bruises after bumpy ride to airport caused by team bus attempting to drive with John Stevens still stuck underneath it.

The victim: Kyle Okposo
The incident: Filed police report after being run over by speeding oil tanker. The charges were withdrawn after a review of the video determined it was actually just Dion Phaneuf.

The victim: Steve Tambellini
The incident: After reviewing the team's salary cap situation during his first day on the job, briefly considered jumping in front of the Brinks truck that will be delivering Shawn Horcoff's paycheck for the next six years.

The victim: Jaroslav Halak
The incident: After a pre-season victory, was nearly struck while leaving the Bell Centre after inexcusably forgetting to always look both ways for cars in case the rioters have thrown a flaming one at you.

The victim: Bill Berg
The incident: Run over by truck driven by Pat Burns, who nonetheless continued to not know who he was.

The victim: Jason Spezza
The incident: Carelessly stepped in front of a vehicle, causing it to swerve uncontrollably, plunge off of a cliff, and explode into a ball of flaming wreckage on the rocks below. Luckily, it was the Senators bandwagon so nobody was on board.