A brief history of Ron Wilson

After weeks of speculation, Ron Wilson was finally relieved of his duties as head coach of the Maple Leafs on Friday. The firing spelled the end to a mostly disappointing time in Toronto that was marked by poor special teams, sloppy defensive play, and a failure to get the team back to the playoffs. By the end, fans at the Air Canada Centre were chanting for him to go.

But was Wilson really the problem in Toronto? Based on his resume, it doesn’t seem likely. Many of his critics in Toronto seemed to forget that Wilson is one of the most successful coaches in NHL history, ranking in the top ten for career victories while coaching somewhere every season since 1993.

It’s too soon to say whether we’ll ever get another look at Wilson behind an NHL bench, but history suggests we may not want to count him out just yet. In the meantime, let’s take a fond look back at some of the notable moments from the long career of Ron Wilson.

September 14, 1973 - As a freshman at Providence College, Wilson begins to wonder why his annoying roommate spends all his spare time reading the thesaurus and practicing undoing his necktie.

June 3, 1975 – Wilson is picked by the Maple Leafs in the same draft that also sees Toronto select Bruce Boudreau and Ken Holland as part of the team’s patented strategy of focusing on players who have demonstrated keen intelligence and excellent leadership and zero ability to actually play hockey.

June 29, 1993 – The expansion Mighty Ducks of Anaheim make Wilson the first coach in franchise history, leading to a four year stint that he’ll later describe as enjoyable once you can get past every single kid you meet walking away muttering “Wow, Gordon Bombay did not age well”.

Read the rest of this post...

A brief history of player/coach feuds

"Big silver trophy, about this wide... really, none
of you have any idea what I'm talking about?"

It's getting close to holidays, but Alexander Ovechkin and Bruce Boudreau may have crossed each other off their shopping lists based on an incident that took place earlier this week.

After Boudreau decided to bench him during a crucial shift late in the game, Ovechkin appeared to react to the news by barking some well-chosen obscenities in the coach's direction. While the two later made an effort to seem like they were on the same page, that didn't stop fans and the media from speculating about a rift that could divide one of the league's best teams.

An overreaction? Probably. But whether Ovechkin and Boudreau are feuding or not shouldn't even matter, because this sort of thing actually happens all the time. The NHL has a long history of disagreements between superstar players and their coaches, and many of them were far more serious than a few expletives uttered in the heat of the moment.

Here's a look back at some of the notable star vs. coach feuds in NHL history.

November 18, 2003 - An enraged Scott Stevens accuses Devils' coach Pat Burns of not being a first ballot Hall of Famer, before later apologizing and admitting that could only happen in a world where the selection committee was made up entirely of idiots.

October 26, 2011 - Alain Vigneault's attempt to fire up his best goaltender during a private meeting in his office is ruined by Roberto Luongo constantly knocking on the door and asking "Hey guys, what are you two talking about in there?"

February 4, 1978 - Bruins' defenceman Brad Park finds himself in the doghouse after coach Don Cherry realizes his name is completely impossible to mispronounce.

December 7, 2008 - Team captain Daniel Alfredsson request a one-hour meeting with the head coach to discuss his declining ice-time, but eventually gets tired of having to start over again every fifteen minutes whenever Bryan Murray hires someone new.

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A hockey fan's guide to the World Series

This was an important sports moment from
1993, so it's safe to say Kerry Fraser didn't see it.

The World Series opens tomorrow night in St. Louis, with the Cardinals playing host to the Texas Rangers. And while some hockey fans wouldn't dream of switching over to a baseball game after waiting all summer for the NHL season to start, many will no doubt be tempted to tune in knowing that a championship is on the line.

So if you're a hockey fan who's thinking about checking out some of the World Series action, here's a handy guide to some of the subtle differences between the two sports to help you follow the action.

World Series: By late October, 28 teams have already been eliminated from championship contention.
NHL: By late October, no teams have been eliminated from championship contention with the exception of Winnipeg.

World Series: If you see the defence standing around helplessly while a player circles the bases before scoring, you'll know that batter has hit a home run.
NHL: If you see the defence standing around helplessly while a player circles the rink before scoring, you'll know that Phil Kessel has decided to try this year.

World Series: It took the sport a generation to recover from the cancellation of the 1994 World Series due to a player's strike led by hardline union head Donald Fehr.
NHL: I'm sure whoever's heading up the NHLPA these days would never do something like that.

World Series: For the second straight year, the Texas Rangers have won their first two playoff rounds under the leadership of popular manager Ron Washington.
NHL: Nobody with "Washington" on their jersey ever wins two playoff rounds in the same season.

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Other complaints about Brendan Shanahan

Despite an entertaining first week of action on the ice, it seems like all anyone wants to talk about these days is Brendan Shanahan. After an initial honeymoon period that faded quickly, the NHL's senior vice-president of player safety and hockey operations has come under heavy fire over his recent rulings on player discipline.

Don Cherry has been the highest profile critic of Shanahan's harsher approach to suspensions, but he's certainly not alone. Media reports have indicated that at least some general managers are uncomfortable with Shanahan's rulings, and plenty of fans have voiced their concerns as well.

At the very least, you might assume that his discipline decisions are the only area where Shanahan is feeling the heat. But you'd be wrong. According to my top secret sources, there's a long list of issues and grievances with Shanahan that date back to the early days of his career.

Here's a sample of some of the hockey world's other complaints about Brendan Shanahan.

• In a cruel practical joke, spent his entire rookie year with the Devils whispering moronic coaching strategies into the ear of sleeping roommate John MacLean.
  
  
• Completely screwed up his shootout attempt at the Nagano Olympics when he failed to be Wayne Gretzky.
  
  
• Has been an NHL VP for almost two years now and has spent lots of time with Gary Bettman, yet has apparently still not taken him aside and convinced him to stop doing that "get overly defensive and make the whole press conference uncomfortable" thing.
  
  
• Whenever I get a penalty I don't agree with and then do the secret signal where I tug on my ear three times in the penalty box, the referee still has a job the next day. (Submitted by Gregory Campbell.)
  

Read the rest of this post...

A hockey fan's guide to the UFC

At least somebody in that jersey is
putting up a fight these days.

The NHL playoffs won't have a monopoly on Canadian sports headlines this week, thanks to the UFC's long-awaited debut in Toronto with a Saturday night card that's expected to draw a record crowd of 55,000.

Many hockey fans have been looking forward to the event for months. But for others, this week's hype will serve as an introduction to the entertaining but often confusing world of mixed martial arts and the UFC. So in an effort to make the event as accessible as possible to Canadian sports fans, here's a hockey fan's guide to how the UFC stacks up with the NHL.

UFC: There is a common misconception that the sport is a vicious free-for-all where anything goes no matter how brutal, when in fact it is governed by a clear set of strictly enforced rules.
NHL: There is a common misconception that the sport is governed by a clear set of strictly enforced rules.

UFC: A fighter signals that he has lost his will to win and no longer wishes to compete by "tapping out".
NHL: A player signals that he has lost his will to win and no longer wishes to compete by signing a contract extension with the Ottawa Senators.

UFC: "The World's Most Dangerous Man" was the nickname of UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock.
NHL: "The World's Most Dangerous Man" is what Flyer fans call whoever is starting in net for that night's playoff game.

UFC: The action takes place inside a caged structure called an octagon, which many critics have called the most dangerous structure in all of sports.
NHL: The action takes place inside a rink which has been carefully designed to ensure the safety of all oh good god look out for that stanchion!

UFC: "Ground and pound" is a fighting style that aims to take an opponent to the mat and then employ a striking attack from a dominant position.
NHL: "Ground and pound" is Bruce Boudreau's answer to the question "What is your favourite type of beef, and how much of it have you smuggled into the arena tonight in your pockets?"

UFC: If a match does not end in regulation time, it goes to the judges' decision; in especially even and hard-fought contests, the contest can be declared a draw.
NHL: The league knows that real sports fans don't enjoy ties, and would be much happier if the UFC moved to deciding matches with a rock-paper-scissors contest.

UFC: If a girl in a bikini holds up the number one to the crowd, it signifies that the first round of a fight is about to begin.
NHL: If a guy in a Bruins jersey holds up the number one to the crowd, it signifies that his glove got stuck. Why, what did you think it meant?

UFC: Competitors know that it's time to start throwing punches when they hear those four words: "Let's get it on!"
NHL: Competitors know that it's time to start throwing punches when they hear those four words: "Hello, I'm Matt Cooke."

UFC: Fans are encouraged to watch "The Ultimate Fighter", a made-for-TV production that is occasionally entertaining despite the results holding little actual importance.
NHL: Same concept, but they call it "the regular season".

UFC: Canadian star Georges St-Pierre employs a methodical style that is highly effective but is often criticized for not producing exciting or dramatic moments.
NHL: Georges St-Pierre has been offered the head coaching job in New Jersey.

UFC: Popular commentator Joe Rogan is also one of his country's best-known standup comedians.
NHL: Popular commentator Don Cherry is also one of his country's best-known standup comedians, although he doesn't seem to realize it.

UFC: A hyper-extended elbow and broken arm can be the result of a competitor not tapping out quickly after the successful application of an armbar.
NHL: A hyper-extended elbow and broken arm is an acceptable reason to miss one or two shifts during the playoffs while the trainer tapes it up.

UFC: A "choke" is a legal manoeuvre in which a competitor cuts off his opponent's air supply in order to secure a quick submission.
NHL: Insert your own Vancouver Canuck joke here.

UFC: Occasionally schedules events in Toronto in late-April.
NHL: Not that anyone can remember.

The pros and cons of fighting in the NHL

Kill him! But, uh, you know, don't hurt him.

The debate over fighting has returned to NHL circles. And if you're a fan of the occasional scrap, you probably didn't have a very good week.

Players like Rick DiPietro, Colton Orr and Derek Boogaard are still on the sidelines due to serious injuries suffered in fights. Then word came last week that the late Bob Probert was suffering from a degenerative brain disease believed to be caused by repeated head trauma. Before fans could fully absorb that news, Edmonton Oilers' number one overall draft pick Taylor Hall had his rookie season ended by an ankle injury suffered in his first career fight.

So here we go again. It seems that the fighting debate has been raging for decades. And while it's lead to hours of heated rhetoric, there's little evidence of anyone ever actually changing their mind.

But maybe that can change. I've spoken to experts on both sides of the issue, and I've captured their best arguments below. For the first time, here are both sides of hockey's greatest debate presented side-by-side. Maybe, just maybe, we can settle this once and for all.

Pro-fighting: Banning fighting would eliminate the chance of a fight between Matt Cooke and Sean Avery that the linesmen could just "forget" to break up.

Anti-fighting: Fights are nothing more than quasi-exciting but ultimately demeaning sideshows that don't showcase any actual hockey skills and have no place in the game, and these days we have the shootout for that.

Pro-fighting: Without the threat of fighting, noble enforcers like Jody Shelley and Trevor Gillies would be unable to protect their teammates from despicable cheap-shot artists like Jody Shelley and Trevor Gillies.

Anti-fighting: Let's face it, nobody really likes having fighting in the game except for ignorant know-nothings like fans, most general managers and coaches, and virtually every single player.

Pro-fighting: Getting rid of fighting would just result in every episode of Coach's Corner being nothing more than a seven-minute diatribe about no-touch icing,

Anti-fighting: If punching somebody in the face at a hockey game is outlawed, only outlaws will punch somebody in the face at a hockey game. And Flyer fans. Actually, mostly Flyer fans.

Pro-fighting: If we just hold off on doing anything to address the rapidly growing list of players lost to concussions for another year or two, all of us will eventually get to play in the NHL for a few games.

Anti-fighting: Mike Milbury has historically been pro-fighting.

Pro-fighting: Wait, Mike Milbury is now apparently anti-fighting.

Anti-fighting: Fighting is an outdated concept that may have made sense for previous generations but has no place in the modern game, like goalies playing without masks or an NHL team in Winnipeg.

Pro-fighting: The inability to regularly write simplistic and condescending anti-fighting columns could spell the end of the already struggling newspaper industry.

Anti-fighting: Studies have shown that a total ban on fighting would increase hockey viewership by 20% in the southern United States, because Tom says he's pretty sure he'd start watching.

Pro-fighting: Hey, remember when they had fighting in NHL 93 and then they took it out for NHL 94? Which one did you like better? Exactly.

Anti-fighting: In addition to being overpaid and overrated based on last year's Cup run, Niemi is known to snore loudly on team flights and often plays bad Finnish pop music on the Sharks' team stereo. (Editor's note: Wait, sorry, this should have been listed as an "Antti fighting" argument.)

Pro-fighting: Players engaging in fights face the possibility of devastating injury and even long-term disability, which is a risk that I as a fan sitting in my easy chair have decided I am willing to accept.

Anti-fighting: Eliminating fighting would send a strong message to impressionable children that settling a dispute by knocking somebody unconscious with your fists is unacceptable; instead, use your rock solid shoulder pad like a gentleman would.

What an official NHL trade call sounds like

"Dean, we must have a bad connection,
every time I mention Brayden Schenn
I get discon... hello?"

It's been a busy lead up to the deadline for NHL general managers, who've already pulled off over a dozen trades including several blockbusters. Just as busy were the members of the hockey media who raced to break the news of each transaction as quickly as possible, often before a deal was officially done.

Fans may have noticed that these reports often allude to a deal being complete "pending a trade call with the league". The phrase brings to mind an intense conference call in which league officials grill the participants before grudgingly approving a deal.

But as it turns out, a trade call is simply a formality. And just like every other phone call you try to make these days, the entire thing is handled through an automated system.

Thanks to league sources, I got my hands on the top secret number and gave it a call. Here's a transcript of what I heard.

***

Thank you for calling the National Hockey League. For service in English, press 1. For service in French, press 2. For service in whatever language it is that Don Cherry is speaking, press 3.

You have selected English. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed.

If you are a GM calling to complain about a penalty, press 1.
If you are a GM calling to complain about a suspension, press 2.
If you are a GM calling to complain about a goal review, press 3.
If you are a GM calling to complain about having nothing to complain about, press 4.
If you are on owner calling to report that you have recently gone bankrupt, press 5.
If you are calling about a trade, press 6.

You have pressed 6. You will now be connected to the NHL trade hotline. At any time, you may press 0 to speak to Darren Dreger.

If you are calling to complain about a trade your son's team just made, press 1.
If you just realized you've accidentally traded for a good starting goaltender when you're trying to tank for the first overall pick and would like a mulligan, press 2.
If you are calling to report a completely fictional "rumour" in a desperate attempt to trick stupid people into visiting your terrible web site, press e5.
If you are calling to report a completed trade, press 9.

You have chosen to report a completed trade. Please note that we are currently experiencing higher than normal call volumes. If you are trading away a draft pick, please enter the round number now.

You have chosen to trade a first round draft pick. Is this pick lottery-protected in case you finish last? Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.

You have pressed 2 for no. Um, do you think that maybe you should rethink that? Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.

You have pressed 2 for no. Look, Brian, we've talked about this, wouldn't it make sense to at least ask if…

You have angrily mashed 2 for no.

Does your trade involve a player? Press 1 for yes, or 2 for no.

You have pressed 1 for yes. Please note that due to high demand, we have set up a dedicated hotline for teams trading away Ian White. Please call 1-800-IAN-B-GON for assistance. Operators are standing by 24 hours a day.

Please enter the line that the player plays on, and then his salary followed by the pound key.

You have indicated that you are trading for a third-liner who makes $5 million. Are you drunk? Press 1 for yes, or 2 for no.

You have pressed 2 for no. Please indicate why you are making this clearly terrible trade.

If you are trying to satisfy your idiot owner, press 1.
If you are trying to satisfy your idiot fans, press 2.
If you are trying to satisfy your idiot media, press 3.
If you stopped caring once it became apparent that you're being fired at the end of the season and figure all of this will be the new guy's problem, press 4.
For all of the above, press 5.

You have pressed 5. Your trade is ready for processing. In a few moments it will be finalized, and you may inform the players and announce the deal publicly.

One last thing: Did you remember to check and see if the player has a no-trade clause? Press 1 for yes, or 2 for no.

You have drop-kicked your phone out an open window. Thank you for calling the NHL trading hotline. Good bye.

Don Cherry's Hockey Night in Canada contract revealed

"Look, I don't care how hot it gets in the
studio, I want Ron to start wearing pants."

One of the hockey world's biggest stars has avoided pending free agency by signing an extension. But instead of a player, it was someone many Canadian fans would consider far more important.

Yes, Don Cherry will be back for another year on Hockey Night in Canada. The controversial but undeniably popular hockey personality has agreed to an extension with the CBC, and will continue to appear on Coach's Corner through at least the end of the 2012 season. The news will thrill many fans, and infuriate others. That divisiveness is a large part of what makes Cherry the biggest media star in the country, one who constantly makes headlines for his opinions on the state of the game.

Since this is hockey, the release announcing the deal included a line noting that "the terms of Mr. Cherry's contract were not disclosed". And while that may have been true initially, DGB spies were able to get their hands on a copy of the agreement.

As you'd expect for a star of Cherry's stature, the deal includes a long list of special provisions and clauses:

• From now on, Cherry must agree to avoid the appearance of bias by being careful to refer to the Toronto Maple Leafs as "they" instead of "we", such as in "boy, I really really really hope they win tonight".
  
  
• The deal is in the ten to twelve million range, assuming we're talking jacket colors.
  
  
• As in previous contracts, Cherry must pretend to understand Ron MacLean's show-closing pun at least twice per season.
  
  
• The deal has a no-trade clause, for reasons nobody quite understands but assume is related to that time the contract was left alone with John Ferguson Jr. for a few minutes.
  
  
• Cherry will have rights to use footage from the show in some sort of hockey highlight video bearing his name, just on the off chance he ever decides that sounds like something he might want to do.
  
  
• The CBC agrees to continue to only employ stylists who don't know that goatees went out of fashion in 1996.
  
  
• Cherry will lead an annual seminar for all other former players and coaches in the broadcast industry entitled "A beginner's guide to having an actual opinion about something."
  
  
• In addition to Hockey Night In Canada, Cherry will be contractually obligated to make guest appearances on other hit Canadian television shows, such as… um… geez… is Bumper Stumpers still on the air?
  
  
• Cherry agrees to try to turn down the gangster rap that's always blaring from his dressing room by a few decibels, but he's not making any promises.
  
  
• Coach's Corner will continue to have a fake opening that just leads to another commercial, which will fool you into prematurely shushing everyone in the room and then feeling like and idiot every single freaking time.
  
  
• The contract will include a small raise for Cherry's support staff and administrative assistants, and a massive raise for the poor sap who has to do his closed captioning.
  
  
• The CBC agrees to assist in international efforts to track down every existing copy of the 1993 novelty single "Rock'em Sock'em Techno", load them onto a rocket ship, and shoot it into the center of the sun.
  
  
• Cherry will somehow continue to be allowed to be the only person on the planet to hold offensively out-dated and moronic views, such as expressing a preference for his own country.
  
  
• In an effort to silence the chorus of critics who constantly demand that he be fired, each Cherry appearance will now be preceded by a brief reminder that he's just going to end up being replaced by Mike Milbury.
  
  
• Cherry will be limited to no more than five sick days per year, although Bruin fans know that he'll probably get confused and accidentally use six.

2010: An NHL year in review

Hey guys, how many of these can you
win before salary cap incompetence
forces you to tear the team apart?

As we prepare to ring in the New Year tonight, I thought I'd try something unique and spend some time taking a look back at the past 12 months.

What's that? It's not unique? Every blog in the world is doing the same thing today? Hmm. OK, let's try this again.

As we prepare to ring in the New Year tonight, let's engage in the rich and greatly beloved tradition of taking a look back at the past 12 months. Here are some of 2010's most memorable moments in the NHL.

January 31 - The Maple Leafs acquire defenceman Dion Phaneuf from the Calgary Flames, filling a critical void that came to light when it was apparently discovered that nobody on the current roster knew how to work the volume knob on the dressing room stereo.

February 28 - Sidney Crosby scores the dramatic winning goal in overtime of the Olympic final, then puts his gold medal in his trophy case next to his Stanley Cup ring. Meanwhile, Alex Ovechkin scores the dramatic winning goal in overtime of the Olympic final, then puts his copy of NHL 11 back on the shelf next to Guitar Hero.

April 21 - Trailing the heavily favoured Washington Capitals three games to one in their opening round playoff series, Montreal Canadiens' coach Jacques Martin makes the controversial decision to bench starting goaltender Jaroslav Halak and replace him with a 6-by-4 brick wall with a picture of Jaroslav Halak painted on it.

June 9 - Moments after Patrick Kane's overtime winner ends the Flyers' championship hopes, a disappointed Chris Pronger concedes that Chicago was the better team, offers his sincere congratulations to the Blackhawks' players, and then turns and walks slowly to his car while dragging a Stanley Cup-shaped duffel bag behind him.

June 22 - In the biggest trade of draft weekend, the Bruins send Dennis Wideman and two draft picks to the Florida Panthers in exchange for Nathan Horton and the right to not have any of their players get suspended anymore.

July 20 - While being announced as the new coach of the New Jersey Devils, John MacLean declines to offer detailed thoughts on his new team. "I believe you can't truly evaluate a team until they have ten wins," he tells reporters. "So check back with me some time in early November."

July 31 - While spending his day with the Stanley Cup, Antti Niemi wonders if it's a bad sign that his named is engraved as "miscellaneous replaceable starting goaltender".

August 9 - An arbitrator rules that the New Jersey Devils' front-loaded contract offer to Ilya Kovalchuk is in violation of the league's collective bargaining agreement. In a punishment that many feel is overly harsh, the team is forced to indefinitely employ Ilya Kovalchuk.

October 7 - The season kicks off in Helsinki with the Minnesota Wild hosting the Carolina Hurricanes as part of the NHL's comprehensive program to get Finland to stop bugging them about getting an expansion team.

October 31 - After their unsuccessful attempt to playfully frighten him, Brian Burke lectures the group of children on his doorstep that trick-or-treaters never yelled "boo" when he was in Vancouver.

December 7 -After his introduction of new mayor Rob Ford at his first council meeting creates controversy, Don Cherry explains his conservative views by saying he's been in Toronto for years without ever meeting a single decent left winger. "Tell me about it," says Mats Sundin.

December 28 - Calgary General Manager Darryl Sutter makes the difficult choice to resign his position. He later explains that he reached his decision based on the Flames' lacklustre record, a desire to spend more time with his family, and the fact that team president Ken King was dumping the contents of his office onto the front lawn and setting fire to it.

NHL letters to Santa

Santa began to find the letters from
Maple Leaf fans increasingly disturbing.

With Christmas just a few days away, children around the world have been busy writing their personal letters to Santa Claus. But in the hockey world, everyone is still a kid at heart. So during the occasional break from the rink, various grownups around the NHL have been working on their letters.

Thanks to some spies at the post office, I've intercepted a few examples. Here's what's on the minds of some of your favourite hockey personalities as the holidays approach.

***

Dear Santa,

What's this I hear about my son Gregory being on your naughty list? Look, pal, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but if Gregory doesn't have a shiny new Xbox under the tree on Christmas morning then [name redacted to protect privacy] might just get his little red reindeer nose torn off.

Just a hockey dad venting,
Colin Campbell

P.S. Please run this letter through the shredder once you're done reading it. Long story.

***

Dear Santa,

Some of the Maple Leafs players were trying to tell me that you're not real. They said you were a work of fiction, nothing but a pleasant fairy tale for small children to believe in but not something that any respectable grownup should take seriously.

Is that true? Because if so, I'd like to invite you to the MLSE Christmas party. I think you'd get along great with all our constant talk about making the playoffs.

All the best,
Ron Wilson

***

Dear Santa,

You may have seen my recent comments to the media, in which I complained about my ice time and hinted that I'd like to be traded to a team where I could play on the first line. To help make that happen, my Christmas wish is for a list of NHL teams that haven't employed a pro scouting staff since 2006.

Signed,
Alexei Kovalev

***

Dear Santa,

Do you allow your reindeer to take part-time jobs once Christmas is over? Because if so, we'd like to hire Rudolph to stand directly behind Roberto Luongo every time we play the Blackhawks.

Yours,
Mike Gillis

***

Dear Santa,

I'm writing to apologize for my previous letter to you, where I thanked you for my $100 million contract and made reference to "our little agreement" that was signed in the summer and came due in October.

I'm sure that was really confusing for you, since you had no idea what I was referring to. My bad. I accidentally switched a couple of letters when I was addressing the letter.

Cheers,
Ilya Kovalchuk

***

Dear Santa,

For Christmas, please bring me an expensive high-definition big screen television. Please also leave the receipt, since I'll be immediately taking it back to the store to exchange it straight up for a broken VCR.

All my best,
Mike Milbury

***

Dear Santa,

Just wondering, but do you send out change of address card? Let's just say I'm pretty sure I won't still be living in this city next year.

Yours,
Darryl Sutter

P.S. Come to think if it, better send one for my brother too.

***

Dear Santa,

When you're done with it, any chance I could borrow your bright red velour coat with the big fur collar and cuffs? The bosses at Hockey Night in Canada are telling me I need to tone it down with the wardrobe, so I'm looking for outfits that will make me look a little bit less ridiculous.

Signed,
Don Cherry

***

Dear Santa,

This year please bring me one pair of dress socks, a ball of string, and one slice of plain whole wheat toast. I wouldn't want to open anything more exciting than that at the team Christmas party, since I might accidentally show some genuine emotion and then coach Snorey McPaint'n'Dry will send me back to the pressbox.

Your pal,
P.K. Subban

***

Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year, I'd like to ask for a [expletive deleted] toy train, a [expletive deleted] toboggan, and most important of all [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] peace on [expletive deleted] earth.

Yours,
Bruce [expletive deleted] Boudreau

P.S. Time to grab your sack.

Signs your players have quit on you

Maybe I should start a blog so that
they'll ban me from the building.

We're well into the season's second quarter, and that means we can finally stop with the caveats about how it's too early to make any firm judgements and get down to reckless speculation about which coaches are about to be fired.

The season has already seen one coach lose his job, with the Islanders relieving Scott Gordon of his duties in November. There's also been plenty of early-season speculation around Toronto's Ron Wilson and New Jersey's John Maclean, and the circling vultures have also been spotted in cities like Calgary, Buffalo and Ottawa.

As soon as a coach's job seems to be in jeopardy, attention inevitably turns to the players. How are they reacting? Do they seem to be working harder to save his job? Or have they committed the ultimate sin and quit on their coach in an effort to speed his exit?

Accusing players of giving less than their best can be a touchy subject, but there are some telltale signs that it could be happening. So if you happen to be an NHL coach of a struggling team, you'll want to keep an eye out for these subtle sign that your players want you out.

• The chants for you to be fired are getting louder and louder, which seems like a bad sign since you're sitting on the team bus on the way to the game.
  
  
• Every time you try to address the team during a timeout, you can't help but notice the players all looking at their "What Would Ken Hitchcock Do?" bracelets.
  
  
• Star players are occasionally deviating from their assignments during the crucial final minutes of close games; for example, instead of your first line winger being one stick length from the top of the faceoff circle with backside coverage of the point man and an active stick clogging the passing lane, he's in the dressing room playing Xbox with the starting goaltender.
  
  
• In addition to "Jim from High River" and "Bill from Strathmore", the post-game radio show has started getting calls demanding your firing from "Jarome from the first line".
  
  
• When the team captain says "We're all doing our best to win for our coach" during a post-game interview, he makes those finger quotes for the words "best", "win" and "coach".
  
  
• When you angrily tell your lazy star player that he can either do things your way or pack his bags, he just looks up from the pages of his 15-year $100 million contract and asks "Sorry, do I know you?".
  
  
• During the team Christmas party, all the players' children keep climbing up on Santa's lap, pointing in your direction, and making a throat slash gesture.
  
  
• After you call a player into your office to discuss a mistake they made in the previous period, he replies "Gosh, I hope you're not that critical of me next game when you're on the TSN intermission panel."
  
  
• During practice, Jason Spezza and Alexei Kovalev aren't trying as hard as usual during the "commit a lazy neutral zone turnover then nonchalantly circle back without bothering to cover anyone" drills, although come to think of it why do we even have those in the first place?
  
  
• While you realize that an occasional accidental puck shot into the bench is an occupational hazard that you just have to deal with, it still seems excessive to have it happen thirty or forty times during the pregame warm-up.
  
  
• Nobody has come right out and told you that you're about to be replaced by some unqualified rookie who talks a big game but is in way over his head, but they've already arranged for Don Cherry to introduce him.
  

So You've Made the NHL: Do's and Don'ts for New Call Ups

The minute he saw the one-legged kid
flailing all over the ice, Brian Burke
knew he'd found his first-line center.

The Toronto Maple Leafs embarked on a youth movement of sorts last week, calling up top prospect Nazem Kadri along with fellow rookie Keith Aulie. The transactions dominated hockey headlines as soon as they were announced, with fans and experts debating the decision well into the weekend.

With all the attention paid to the move, you'd think Kadri was the first prospect ever called up to the NHL. That's nonsense, of course, as call-ups are a common part of the game. So common, in fact, that the league has prepared a little known set of guidelines that all new call-ups are required to review before playing their first game.

A copy of those guidelines was recently leaked to me, and I've reproduced them below.

***

Dear miscellaneous rookie,

Congratulations on your recent call-up, and welcome to the National Hockey League!

While you're no doubt excited about this opportunity, you're probably wondering how to behave now that you've reached the game's highest level. To assist you in this important career step, we suggest you carefully review the following tips on what you should and shouldn't be doing in the big leagues.

Do: Take the opportunity to say goodbye to your teammates before leaving the minor league affiliate.
Do not: Do so by bursting out of the coach's office shouting "so long, scrubs" while throwing wadded up dollar bills around the dressing room.

Do: Be prepared to do interviews with members of the media.
Do not: Violate official NHL policy by accidentally saying something that could be construed as vaguely interesting.

Do: Ask the referee for the puck after you score your first goal against an NHL goaltender.
Do not: Ask the referee for the puck after you score your first goal against Pascal Leclaire.

Do: Look forward to the fun and excitement of visiting various exciting cities around the continent.
Do not: Look too disappointed when you find out your first game is in Edmonton instead.

Do: Take the opportunity to politely greet any NHL players that you've admired since your youth.
Do not: Prepare for a friendly handshake by quickly discarding your gloves the first time you meet Zdeno Chara.

Do: Expect that now that you're making an NHL salary, you'll be tempted to try to purchase the first expensive vehicle you see.
Do not: Ask the zamboni driver if you can take it for a test drive.

Do: Look forward to being mentioned by Don Cherry on Coach's Corner.
Do not: Be surprised when he mispronounces your name, even if it's something seemingly simple like "Smith" or "Jones" or "Cherry".

Do: If you have family in Toronto, splurge on front row tickets for the first time your team comes to play at the ACC.
Do not: Score your first career goal during the opening ten minutes of a period, since they won't be there to see it.

Do: Tell your girlfriend before you leave that while it will be difficult living in separate cities, you hope that you can find a way to continue the relationship.
Do not: Become distracted during this important conversation by the supermodels waving champagne glasses and honking the horn of the running convertible in your driveway.

Do: Be prepared to feel as if you don't quite fit in at first among the guys in the dressing room.
Do not: Make the situation worse by insisting on showering in your bathing suit.

Do: Continue to play the same sort of tough, physical game that helped you get called up in the first place.
Do not: Play that way against Gregory Campbell. Um, you're just going to have to trust us on that one.

Do: Take the opportunity to ask questions during practice if there is something you don't understand.
Do not: Ask "Hey, Coach Wilson, will we still be using this same system next month once the new head coach has started?"

A hockey fan's guide to the World Cup

The Canadian referee kept waving off
goals due to distinctive kicking motions

Hockey fans experiencing withdrawal after the end of the NHL season got some good news when the FIFA World Cup began on Friday. But while hockey fans would no doubt appreciate the spectacle of the world's most popular sporting event, many don't understand the "beautiful game".

On the surface, the World Cup is actually quite similar to the NHL. But while there are several difference, many are subtle and may prove confusing for novice fans. That's why I put a call out to DGB's various international bureaus, and together we put together this guide for hockey fans hoping to follow the World Cup action over the coming month.

The World Cup: If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely a diehard fan who was travelled from an exotic foreign land to attend the game.
The NHL: If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely Don Cherry.

The World Cup: The sport is called "football", although Americans often refer to it as "soccer".
The NHL: The sport is called "hockey", although Americans often refer to it as "something to watch if there's no baseball, football, basketball, golf, Nascar, poker, MMA, fishing or bowling on TV".

The World Cup: "Injury time" refers to the additional playing time added to the end of each half at the discretion of the referee.
The NHL: "Injury time" refers to whenever Rick DiPietro steps on the ice.

The World Cup: Watching a game can be almost unbearable thanks to the "vuvuzela", a South African noisemaking horn that produces a horribly annoying noise that drones on nonstop for the entire game, leaving you fighting the urge to hurl the remote through your TV screen.
The NHL: Pierre McGuire.

The World Cup: The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to differences in international time zones.
The NHL: The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to NBC not wanting to preempt any important infomercials or horse racing pregame shows later that afternoon.

The World Cup: In 1986, the "Hand of God" sent Argentina into the semi-finals at Mexico City.
The NHL: In 1993, the "Hand of God" sent Marty McSorley's eyeball into the fifteenth row at Maple Leaf Gardens.

The World Cup: A player will occasionally be granted a "penalty kick", presenting him with so much open net to shoot at that he's virtually guaranteed to score as long as he doesn't miss the net or hit the post.
The NHL: This is known as "shooting against Vesa Toskala".

The World Cup: The last thing anyone wants to see is a referee holding a red card.
The NHL: The last thing anyone wants to see is Chris Neil holding a credit card.

The World Cup: In an embarrassing display that any self-respecting sports fan would feel nauseated by, players will often react to even the slightest contact by pretending to be injured while rolling around pathetically on the grass.
The NHL: Completely different. The game is played on ice instead of grass.

The World Cup: Riot police must often use tear gas, armoured vehicles and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as "hooligans".
The NHL: Riot police must often use tear gas, armoured vehicles and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as "Chris Pronger".

The World Cup: Canadian teams never win.
The NHL: Same.

The World Cup: If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he is the goalie.
The NHL: If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he arrived five minutes late and his team had already done another jersey redesign.

The World Cup: A game which is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion is known as a "friendly".
The NHL: A game which is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion is known as a "Maple Leafs regular season game after mid-November".

Things Ron Maclean was thinking as he saved a drowning man

Later, Gary Bettman emphatically
denied that water causes drowning.

A strange and inspiring story out of Philadelphia this afternoon, as Hockey Night in Canada host Ron Maclean apparently saved a man from drowning in the Delaware River.

According to reports, Maclean was having lunch with Don Cherry on a patio when he became aware of the commotion nearby. Maclean apparently sprinted from the table, jumped over a railing, and headed for the water to join in the rescue efforts. It's an amazing story, and one that makes you wonder what was going through his mind during those furious few moments.

Well, wonder no more. Here's a transcript of his actual thoughts.

• Head pounding... Lungs burning... Everything going black... That's it, I can't take any more of Cherry's stories, I'm going to go help those guys down near the river instead.
  
  
• That guy down there was flailing around like crazy, and now he's gone limp. Either a man is drowning, or somebody just lightly brushed up against Daniel Carcillo.
  
  
• Note to self: Come up with a terrible drowning-themed pun to close out tomorrow's Coach's Corner.
  
  
• Oh well, since I'm already wet, I guess I'll swim down to the Gulf and fix that oil leak.
  
  
• Hey, why did the water just rise up and part down the middle ... oh cool, Roy Halladay is here!
  
  
• This would be so much easier if Chris Pronger hadn't stolen all the life jackets.
  
  
• It will be a nice change to read stories in tomorrow's paper that contain the words "NHL" and "desperately fighting to keep his head above water" but not "Tom Hicks".
  
  
• I'll have to remember to thank Maxim Lapierre for those diving lessons.
  
  
• This will be the most heroic thing a hockey broadcaster has done since that time a crazed hostage taker listened to Pierre McGuire talk about Mike Richards for 15 seconds and turned the gun on himself.
  
  
• Quickly sir, grab onto my eyebrow, I'll arch you to safety!
  

Rating the intros: Five classic Maple Leafs montages

Lots of talk this week about the CBC's opening montage before Game One of the Cup finals. Set to a tune by Coldplay, it featured backwards video clips of various Pens and Wings. Most people liked it. Some didn't.

I thought it was a cool idea, with one major flaw: Not enough Leafs. Then again, I've felt the same way about the last 41 Cup finals.

I'll admit that I'm a huge sucker for pre-game musical montages. And Hockey Night in Canada has consistently done some of the very best.

A great pre-game montage has the following:

• An inspired musical choice. Any genre will do, but the song has to fit.
  
• Some sort of opening shot that sets the tone without actually showing anybody playing hockey
  
• Quick cuts of various players, including at least one who looks like their face ran into a grain thresher
  
• Enough highlights (goals, hits, fights, etc) to make you think these two teams are part of the greatest rivalry in sports history
  
• At least one clip that matches up exactly with the song lyrics
  
• Some sort of dramatic closing shot.

Let's take a look at five memorable Maple Leaf montages and see how they stack up.

---

Leafs vs. Senators, Game Seven, 2002

Music: "Defy You" by The Offspring. Not terrible, but kind of cliched. 5/10. Opening scenes: Each team walking the hallway on the way to the ice. 6/10. Beat-up face: Tie Domi, freshly stiched-up after the infamous Ricard Persson hit. 10/10. Rivalry shots: Plenty, including every possible combination of Leaf and Sen players going nose-to-nose. 8/10. Matching lyrics: "You may throw me down", right as a Leaf gets thrown to the ice. 6/10. Closing shot: Shayne Corson and Marion Hossa leaning into a faceoff. I'm assuming this is from the regular season, because I actually noticed Hossa. 9/10. Intangibles: Fading into the live crowd audio in the second half was a cool touch. 8/10. Bottom line: 7/10. Not bad. Not bad at all.

---

Leafs vs. Senators, Game Seven, 2004

Music: "Not Ready To Go" by The Trews. Pretty close to a perfect choice. 9/10. Opening scenes: Pretty standard shots, except for a neat one of a rolling puck. 5/10. Beat-up face: Darcy Tucker sporting a smirk and a shiner. Honorable mention to John "Dag-nabbit!" Muckler. 7/10 Rivalry shots: Some good ones here. And check out the badass shot of Roberts at 0:32. 8/10. Matching lyrics: Pretty much every shot in the video (seriously). But bonus points for "I should be leaving" right as Mats Sundin limps out of the series. 9/10. Closing shot: The Senators celebrating wildly while the singer vows "I'm not ready to go". 10/10 (for ironic foreshadowing). Intangibles: What's with the red/blue filter that keeps fading in and out? 2/10. Bottom line: 8/10. I like this one a little better than the 2002 version.

---

Leafs vs. Sharks, Game Seven, 1994

Music: "No Limits", by whoever it was that did "No Limits". 1/10. Opening scenes: Jaws music, bad shark clipart, and Don Cherry. 3/10. Beat-up face: The giant-headed Doug Gilmour thing dancing next to Cherry. 2/10. Rivalry shots: A surprising number of decent shots, including a scrap. Not bad for two teams that never played each other. 5/10. Matching lyrics: "Won't give up the fight" right as the Leafs score the game six OT winner to extend the series. 8/10. Closing shot: Some Shark scoring a goal. 3/10. Intangibles: This one is only lasts 1:25, which is only about 90 seconds too long. 3/10. Bottom line: 3/10. Let's never speak of this again.

---

Leafs vs. Hawks, Game One, 1994

Music: "Dreamer", by Supertramp. I know, I know. But watch... somehow, it works. 8/10. Opening scenes: A supercool extended shot of Chris Chelios shooting the puck at a cameraman. 9/10. Beat-up face: Doug Gilmour getting a face wash from a linesman. 5/10. Rivalry shots: They come pretty much non-stop, including Wendel Clark backing down just about every player on the Hawks roster. Not enough fights, though. 8/10. Matching lyrics: "Well you know... you had... it coming to you" as Wendel chases Jeff Shantz around before finally popping him in the mouth. 9/10. Closing shot: Wendel Clark and Chris Chelios fading into the Stanley Cup. 9/10. Intangibles: Seriously, CBC knows the Leafs had more players than Wendel Clark in 1994, right? 10/10. Bottom line: 9/10. Almost perfect.

---

Leafs vs. Kings, Game Seven, 1993

Music: The theme from the movie "Hoosiers". Genius. 10/10. Opening scenes: Felix Potvin talking to his goalposts. 6/10. Beat-up face: A tie: Doug Gilmour's bleeding face thanks to Wayne Gretzky, and Marty McSorley's crater-sized shiner courtesy Wendel Clark. 10/10. Rivalry shots: Nothing fancy, but most of the main highlights are here. 7/10. Matching lyrics: None, since there are no lyrics. But check out the mini-montage of the Gilmour hit at 1:18 right as the music hits its crescendo. Goosebump time. 9/10. Closing shot: Gretzky doing his little happy dance after this OT goal. Hey, why is his stick blade all red? 8/10. Intangibles: The weird Kings fan with the painted face dancing at 0:25. 8/10. Bottom line: 10/10. A masterpiece. The montage by which all others must be judged.

The NHL's official explanation of Kerry Fraser's blown call

As a fitting end to Kerry Fraser Day, and with a glove tap to 1967ers over at PPP for reminding me about this interview... here's NHL Director of Officiating Bryan Lewis explaining how Fraser and crew missed the call. This interview aired on HNIC during the second intermission of game seven.

I'll let the interview stand without comment, except to point out that Lewis' version (that Fraser and his linesmen thought Gilmour may have been hit with the puck) doesn't match Fraser's own explanation from years later (that he hadn't seen the play at all because he was blocked out).

And a bonus clip, just in case you were wondering how the notoriously neutral Don Cherry felt about all this ...