N-Dubz: Can we hang on until 2014?

You remember how we were told we'd be doing the Olympics, and then there was a long wait, and now there's an Olympics?

That's what's going to happen with N-Dubz:

Fazer is planning to return to N-Dubz in 2014 after releasing his debut solo album and building up his Sky's The Limit production company.

I think it's sweet that Fazer thinks he's the one of N-Dubz who will decide when, or if, they start putting records out again. It's like hearing the car plotting when the next road trip will be.

Gordon in the morning: Fake

Oh, simply everybody who, in a low light might look a little like someone famous has a sex tape, darling:

The quotes around 'fake' might suggest that there's some doubt over if the film really is Tulisa or not. The story makes it clear that there is no Tulisa sex tape, online or off.

In fact, the quotes would seem to belong to the word 'row' - as there doesn't seem to be one, just a swift legally-enforced takedown.

In effect, what Gordon and his typing chums -

By GARY O'SHEA and COLIN ROBERTSON, TV Editor

- have done is give over a large chunk of a "family" newspaper to describing a porn video with anonymous participants in it:

The film, from a high quality camera phone, shows a blonde performing a sex act for over six minutes.

A high quality camera phone, you say? Why, that sounds like the sort of equipment you'd only have access to if you were rich, or famous, or capable of having walked into a Carphone Warehouse at some point in the last few years.

Since Gary and Colin clearly aren't stupid, they know the video is just somebody else, but they're desperate to...well, fake it up:

Tulisa Contostavlos at centre of sex video storm

She isn't. She's on the edge of it.

The more interesting question is, if Gordon would be leading on the film, providing what sounds like a QVC sales pitch...:

An internet firm put the footage online, charging £3.90 to download it. The site was suspended yesterday afternoon.

... if it really was a film of Tulisa having sex. Would encouraging readers to seek out film of a named person fucking be the sort of invasion of that person's privacy that The Sun is pretending it doesn't do while Leveson is sitting?

Gordon in the morning: Not with a bang, but with a Twitter

Oddly, Gordon has detailed Ian Garland for today's plum job, cutting a pasting tweets between former members of N-Dubz to pad out the 'they've split, then" piece:

Accusing Dappy of misleading his followers, [Tulisa] wrote: "@TheDappy u know my number mate..I dont know urs cus u aint gave it 2 me since u changed it... so dont gass the fans, u wana talk Im here."

I suppose at least they're still following each other on Twitter. Tulisa could DM him, couldn't she? Although perhaps Dappy can't work out how to access them in the new Twitter interface.

Still: N-Dubz officially dead. Scientists now working on a cure for JLS.

Gordon in the morning: Partied out

Kate Moss once clung like a limpet to the coolest and most interesting people on the music scene.

Now, though, it's this:

Kate Moss parties with N-Dubz Fazer in Rihanna's hotel room

I think that's the equivalent of having your programme moved to Radio Quiet, isn't it?

Gordon in the morning: At this difficult time

Why are there clearly collaborative paparazzi snaps of Dappy at Butlins all over Bizarre this morning?

The N-Dubz singer organised the budget getaway days after he was arrested over a bust-up with Kaye Vassell, the mother of his two children.

They say "the singer", but this looks like a management stunt; it looks like the equivalent of those grim-faced family press calls the Tories were doing two or three times a week during the Major government - husband and wronged wife stood by the gate, moving on, moving on.

It might work a little better if Dappy had kept on-message, rather than giving the impression that there's better places he could be spending his time:

Dappy, 24, said: "I could have gone to Florida, but Butlins is appropriate for the kids."

I'm sure he didn't mean to make it sound like he was thinking "if I didn't have to be doing this, I could be in the actual Disneyland".

Now, I might be being overly cynical, but if this really was an attempt to try and spend some time with the family what the hell was a photographer doing there? It could be that Paul Edwards hangs around Bognor in early autumn on the off-chance that, say Sting and Trude or Pippa Middleton come for one last go on the Donkey Derby before the camp closes for the year, and these were unwelcome and surprising intrusions for Dappy and family.

But clearly these pictures are staged. Unless Paul also tops up his wages with a spot of work behind the bar?

Surprisingly, it took two people at The Sun to wrangle the "exclusive":

EXCLUSIVE By CHRIS POLLARD and GARY O’SHEA

Wonder why team N-Dubz chose The Sun? Although Rebekah Brooks is supposedly gone, perhaps the paper still has understanding for those who spend time down the cop shop following a row with their partners.

Dappy arrested

The law will churn through the allegations that Dappy assaulted his girlfriend, possibly getting to the truth.

For the time being, though, let's just look at the opening to the Daily Mail story:

N Dubz singer Dappy was yesterday arrested on suspicion of assaulting his girlfriend.

The cousin of X Factor judge Tulisa Contostlavos was reportedly held for questioning after police were called out to the home of his girlfriend's mother.

He had a solo number one a couple of weeks ago, but he's really famous for being related to a judge on the X Factor. That might tell you something about the state of the music industry.

Fazer misguided

The Daily Mail has a big, splashy, flashy piece today about Tulisa out of N-Dubz and her relationship with Fazer out of N-Dubz:

Notoriously private about her personal life, new X Factor judge Tulisa Constavlos rarely opens up about any love interests.

And that dedication to privacy was stepped up yet further when she started dating N-Dubz band mate, Fazer (real name Richard Rawson).

But in an in-depth new interview, Tulisa has finally revealed her true feelings.

Wow. That's a pretty big scoop, Holly Thomas. They are very secretive, aren't they?

The pair have barely been apart since they formed N-Dubz with Tulisa's cousin (and Fazer's best friend) Dappy 12 years ago.

Yet their very secretive romance only began relatively recently.

How did Holly Thomas get this big scoop for the Mail?

Talking to The Sunday Mirror, Tulisa confessed: 'I'm really happy and have the best boyfriend- he's really supportive in what I'm doing with the show [X Factor]'

Oh. So you, erm, read it in the Sunday Mirror.

Still, never mind - this is clearly something your readers would want to know about. And you're sure what you read in the Mirror was right, yes?

Only... Tulisa spent a chunk of yesterday on Twitter pointing out that she'd never said who her boyfriend was:

What r all these tweets about fazer, I've spoke about my relationship, I neva said it was with him? Hmmm

Just as I suspected, I have never said I was in relationship with fazer, only said what my boyfriend meant 2 me, did not say who he was

So, it's a pity Holly Thomas read the Sunday Mirror, but didn't bother to read Tulisa's Twitterstream (or, even, make a phone call or two), because she could not only have saved herself from looking a bit stupid, but also actually had a bit of a story.

[Thanks to Michael M for the tip]

N-Dubz: Is this really a sexy gift?

Fazer out of N-Dubz has been sent a present:

He said: "I got sent a box of condoms. I don't actually think it was weird, more nice really. At least they were thinking 'safe'."

He seems to think this was a sexy sort of present. I'm not so sure. If someone sent me a package that screamed 'for God's sake, don't have any children', I'd feel a bit slighted.

Gordon in the morning: The N-Dubz dream is crumbling

Can it really be now that Tulisa has a proper job that she's going to stop mucking about with N-Dubz?

Apparently, we're meant to be surprised by this:

For the first time, Fazer and Dappy accused Tulisa of putting herself first, ahead of the band. She is gearing up for a career without the boys and she doesn't seem too bothered about the consequences - despite her protestations on Twitter.

The source added: "T is not having the boys on the show when X Factor reaches the judges' houses phase.

"The boys are livid because the plan was always to promote N-Dubz as writers and producers, using X Factor as a launch pad."

Promoting N-Dubz as writers and producers sounds a bit like promoting Peparami as a health food. It's not entirely surprising that Tulisa, trying to crack on like she knows about music enough to judge other people, really wouldn't want Dopey and Sleepy turning up, is it? It'd be like your embarrassing parents showing up at school.

N-Dubz quit DefJam. And by 'quit' I mean 'are dropped by'

The sudden breakdown in relationships between N-Dubz and their American label DefJam is going to cause DefJam massive problems, as the company will now struggle to have their tax-loss write-down organised before the end of the financial year.

N-Dubz have ripped up the deal. If you ask them, of course. DefJam say they were dropped.

Dappy, what happened?

They might say they've dropped us but we were never going to co-operate with them when they decided to change what we are. If we had co-operated we would still be signed. But I stuck my finger up at them when they wanted us to make another TV show. Tulisa thought we should do it because we could make some money out of it, but I said no.

For them to say they dropped us makes me angry because we just didn't want to change who we are or what we do. We're not just a silly bunch of pop tarts.

Ah, so the deal fell apart due to a lack of self-awareness on the part of the silly bunch of pop tarts.

This so reminds me of the time the Banana Splits quit Elektra in a huff, declaring they weren't just a load of puppets.

Gordon in the morning: Any old carp will do

Gordon Smart ripping content off other magazines in return for printing a shot of the cover is nothing new. But this has got to be the first time he's used Total Carp in that way.

Dappy. Dappy likes dragging fish out of the water on little hooks, in case you're wondering.

Gordon in the morning: Blazering squad

Fazer - the one out of N-Dubz who can do his own laces - is "doing a fashion line". No rubbish, mind:

e said: "I am working on some visual boards at the moment, for my own high-end clothing line.

"Hopefully we'll start promoting it next year. It's going to be exclusively Fazer. I want to set the standards high - no rubbish.

"Everything is going to have a tailored feel to it - fitted jackets, fitted shirts, jeans and blazers."

Yes, there's nothing ill-judged in a clothing range aimed at the high-fashion end of the N-Dubz audience. How does one fit a Red Bull pocket into a tailored blazer?

Gordon in the morning: No Dubz

Good news from Gordon's corner this morning: N-Dubz are going on hiatus.

They're going to spend eighteen months concentrating on "solo projects" Dappy has announced.

It's possible that that's just what they've told Dappy, of course.

So, what are these solo projects?

"TULISA is going to do her films and her fragrances."

'Doing fragrances'? Doesn't that consist of nodding when you're told what it's going to be, having a photo taken, and turning up at a party? Let's hope there's quite a lot of film work to keep her busy.

"FAZER is going to produce half of my album and I'm going inside the studio to write songs with Tulisa.

Is it just me, or does this sound like they're all working together during their solo time?

Dappy is looking forward to his next year or so:

"I've got bangers for you - I've got a big solo album coming for you, three smash singles. By Christmas, hopefully, I'll have two No1s. One of my first ones is called No Regrets."

Does Dappy know when Christmas is?

Gordon in the morning: N-Dubz mention the Chilis again

In case you missed the claims of N-Dubz hanging out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers last month, they're making them again. Although the story now seems to have been downgraded from 'having a fun time in the studio together' to 'having an awkward encounter in a corridor':

Dappy said: "Anthony had heard of us, which was amazing. Well, he knew the hat, it's like my calling card."

The rapper also said the Yanks were baffled by his language - just like us then.

He told Q Magazine: "I had to tell 'em straight, 'this might not be SHAKESPEARE but this is how I talk, bruv'. They definitely didn't get 'Peng'. Peng means fit, sexy, good looking."

You had to tell them that straight, did you, Dappy? Because one thing all music critics agree on is that it's impossible to tell the difference between the Chilis and Shakespeare.

There is something sweet about Dappy that he doesn't think there's anything strange that his hat was recognised rather than him. Of course, it's possible that the more successful musicians weren't recognising the hat as such, just spotting an idiot wearing a hat indoors. In California. Or were going 'oh, there's that idiot in a hat we were warned about'. Almost certainly, they'll have come away convinced that he's called Peng.

Gordon in the morning: You must be at least this tall to ride

A day off for N-Dubz:

N-DUBZ must be the only grime stars to head off to a theme park during their time out.

Really, Gordon? Wouldn't going to a theme park be a fairly typical thing for someone of their age to do during time off?

Meanwhile, Project Cardigan is go:

MATT CARDLE's record label are bringing out the big guns for his first album.

Two top songwriters are in the frame to work with the X Factor winner.

BIFF STANNARD, who wrote for the SPICE GIRLS and FIVE, and RYAN TEDDER, who has worked with ADELE and LEONA LEWIS, are being lined up as co-writers.

As big guns go, there aren't quite anti-aircraft guns. Stannard does have some nice writing credits - he co-wrote a couple of tracks on the Little Boots debut - but it's been a while since the Spice Girls highlights; Ryan Tedder did write Bleeding Love, but also filed songs for Shayne Ward and Chris Cornell's solo career. In other words, both men have writer's credits which suggests an ability to deliver by the yard. You can be sure there will be songs; there's a question over how artisan built they might be.

Gordon in the morning: An important change

There's been a minor redesign over at the Sun, so it's no longer Gordon Smart's Bizarre; it's Bizarre edited by Gordon Smart.

A crucial distinction.

The other stuff is still as it ever was - N-Dubz are supposedly now "pals" with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. On closer inspection, it turns out they're being polite to each other while in the same building.

Dappy is filled with self-doubt

It's almost heartbreaking:

In an interview with The Observer, Dappy admitted: "I get depressed. I've gone to dark places for days when I've seen our music videos have dropped off the TV airplay charts. Or I read a rude comment about us on YouTube. It fills me with self-doubt."

Jesus, man, if you go to a dark place every time someone says something rude about you on the internet, you must be living in a place that makes Wookey Hole seem like Florida.

It's fascinating to see that 'dropping off TV airplay charts' causes Dappy self-doubt - does he think that once you enter a chart you're going to stay there forever? Has he never stopped to ponder how it could be that The Beatles aren't still at number one?

Gordon in the morning: Dubz in their boots

Hasn't the 'N-Dubz about to break America' story been running for about half a forever now? Jesus, even Just Good Friends finally got a resolution faster than this one.

Today, Gordon tells us that they're just about to head off for that meeting with Def Jam that it feels like they've been poised on the edge of since the early days of the Reagan presidency.

Oh, and they're had some slightly smarter clothes bought for them to make their next video in:

They show the threads off in the video for latest single Morning Star, which is released on March 13.

Dappy said: "Fazer and I have been inspired to wear more tailored suits and smart jackets. You have to evolve."

This, of course, is the use of the word "inspired" to mean "told to".

What's lovely about this, though, is that it does inspire this caption, under a photo of Dappy apparently looking out to sea:

New clobber ... Dappy looks all over Facebook and the status says a smart new look

What does that even mean? It sounds like a great-grandparent trying to engage with a young person using knowledge scraped together from something they saw on Tonight With Trevor McDonald and old Punch cartoons.

Gordon in the morning: Charles meets the Dubz

If it wasn't for the joshing reference to the protesters who nearly spared Charles and Camillia the horror of the Royal Variety Show, you'd have bet Gordon had written his Charles-meets-N-Dubz piece weeks ago:

N-DUBZ have got the royal seal of approval from PRINCE CHARLES.

The Camden scamps were given a thorough talking to by the Prince at the Royal Variety Performance.

Naturally, Charles knew all about them (i.e. had been briefed about them seconds before):

He said: "What are you guys doing here. Are you hip-hopping about?" Dappy replied: "No sir, we make great music for the masses."

Charles then replied: "So I've heard."

Given that Gordon and N-Dubz are seizing on this as evidence of Charles being aware of their work, surely an opening gambit of "what are you guys doing here?" is a bit weak. Hadn't he just seen them doing their thing?

Still, it made Dappy happy:

Afterwards Dappy was still beaming because Charles knew all about the band.

He said: "It just shows how far N-Dubz have come that even the Prince knows all about our music. We are honoured."

Hmm. "Are you hip-hopping about" and "that's a nice suit" hardly suggests Charles is ready to go on Mastermind with N-Dubz as a specialist subject.

Gary Barlow managed to wave a double-edged sword as he introduced N-Dubz on stage:

GARY BARLOW introduced the trio on to the stage, saying: "These guys are the only urban UK act to sell any albums."

Might come as a surprise to Tinchy and Dizzee, that, Gary.

Gordon in the morning: A maternity of errors

You'll remember a couple of days ago we were talking about Gordon's scoop announcing Dappy as Channel 4's alternative queen.

It seemed a rotten idea for Channel 4, and so it's reassuring to discover that Gordon was just talking bollocks as usual. MediaGuardian has the actual details of the Alternative Message:

A member of the medical staff from a Southampton maternity hospital will deliver this year's alternative Christmas message on Channel 4.

The Princess Anne hospital will form a large part of Channel 4's Christmas Day schedule, with the alternative message and a marathon of One Born Every Minute Christmas specials called One Born At Christmas.

Unless Dappy's picked up a bit of extra work over Christmas, it's another story from The Sun that turns out to be totally wrong.

Although it's possible Dappy will be needing a second job - the people who make Ghosthunting With are suing N-Dubz for breach of contract after the band twice failed to show up for the programme. Comes to something when the ghostly apparitions are more reliable than the star guests.