N-Dubz: Is this really a sexy gift?

Fazer out of N-Dubz has been sent a present:

He said: "I got sent a box of condoms. I don't actually think it was weird, more nice really. At least they were thinking 'safe'."

He seems to think this was a sexy sort of present. I'm not so sure. If someone sent me a package that screamed 'for God's sake, don't have any children', I'd feel a bit slighted.

Gordon in the morning: Ride the tiger

We're expected to believe that a dangerous, man-eating tiger "gatecrashed" the Brand-Perry nuptials.

How serious could that have been, Gordon?

Officials at the Ranthambore National Park said the tiger was drawn by lights and music from the party and could have killed any of the 85 revellers, who included rapper P DIDDY and comedian DAVID BADDIEL.

Good God, can you imagine the horror? Of being stuck at a wedding party with that lot. You'd just be hoping a hungry tiger would turn up. You'd probably be splashing gravy about just in case.

The suspicion that, given this is a wildlife park, you'd expect there to be wildlife wandering about doesn't seem to have occurred to Gordon.

Guards beat the tiger off with a stick, which sounds about as much fun as Perry would have been having that evening.

Elsewhere, Westlife are thinking about getting into the contraceptive business. Thinking about Westlife is a contraceptive, surely?

Gordon in the morning: You've done this already

Gordon admits that today's story about JLS launching condoms is a joke he's run before:

Heart-throbs MARVIN HUMES, ASTON MERRYGOLD, ORITSE WILLIAMS and JONATHAN "JB" GILL came up with the idea after joking about contraception in The Sun.

The reason for running the story again just over a month after it first appeared?

Someone is apparently taking it seriously:

Since then condom giant Durex - Britain's leading sellers of the contraceptive - have got in touch and the lads have agreed in principle to join forces.

Have they?

A source close to JLS said: "The lads mentioned the idea of a Just Love Safe campaign in passing.

"It was a light-hearted joke at the time but management and Durex have had conversations about making it happen.

"Later this year they will announce their exact intentions."

"Have had conversations" isn't quite "agreed in principle", and even "agreed in principle" isn't the same as "is going to happen."

And it almost certainly won't - given that JLS fans tend to be younger girls, why would Durex be trying to sell them condoms? And even if the product did exist, how many young men would be interested in this sort of product:

The boys, whose hits include Everybody In Love, also want to colour-coordinate the range.

They were each assigned a shade when they first got together - with Aston being blue, Marvin, 24, green, Oritse, 23, red and JB, 23, yellow.

Yes, young, sexually-inexperienced men choosing if they're going to wrap their knobs in Aston or Oritse. A few would be interested - but I'm not sure they're the market which JLS are interested in.

Gordon in the morning: Put a dutch cap in it

Kelly Osbourne is on the Sun's payroll, acting as some sort of agony aunt ("I've got a problem, Kelly" "Get your dad's butler to sort it"). So perhaps that's why Gordon Smart treats her ambassadorship of World Contraception Day with a straight face. Kelly, it seems, knows a thing or two about contraception because, erm, she had a pregnancy scare. Sort-of:

“I convinced myself I was pregnant when I was 13 and I hadn’t even got my period.

“There are so many rumours and also so much wrong information being passed around, so it is a really important message the World Contraception Day is trying to give out.”

Surely the solution to Kelly's problem had less to do with contraception than poor sex ed?

Kelly insists that she's not the sort of person to go talking about her sex life, before talking about her sex life in too much detail:

“I am not the kind of person who talks about my sex life, but I am not afraid to talk about contraception.

"I go three, maybe four times a year to get tested for sexually transmitted infections and most of the time I don’t even need to. I just go for peace of mind.”

"Most of the time I don't even need to" is a phrase which will bang around the inside of my head for a while yet.

Is it really a good idea for a contraception campaign to be headed by someone who suggests that "talking about contraception" is divorced from "talking about your sex life" rather than being central to it?

Something neither Kelly nor Gordon find room for is a mention that, far from being a health initiative, World Contraception Day is actually a marketing stunt for the oral contraceptive company Bayer. However important the contraceptive message is, should it be being delivered by a company who have a vested interest in increasing the take-up of one type of system over others? Is it right for an advertising campaign to be disguised as a health message? And shouldn't Kelly be acknowledging who's underwriting her campaign?