Only fools and horses: Dappy takes a tumble

I'm sure all our thoughts and prayers are with Dappy, who cannot ride a horse:

Dappy's representative, Terry Mills, says, “I can confirm that my client was involved in a horse riding accident at home where he fell from his horse and was subsequently kicked in the face.

“Dappy was rushed to hospital where he received medical treatment and is now recovering.”

It does appear that, although Mills doesn't make it clear, Dappy's face-kicking came from the horse; it's not like someone saw him fall off the horse and thought 'well, that's an open goal'.

No word on how the horse is.

It's unclear if this is going to cause Dappy to have to cancel any work he has coming up. Actually, it's unclear what Dappy is actually doing these days when he hasn't been kicked in the face by a horse.

Gordon in the morning: Dappy is the Lord Longford of our age

Tucked into the showbiz section today is news of Dappy issuing calls for justice:

The Sun revealed that a message in his new video out on YouTube declared: “Free Leo Chindamo".

Learco Chindamo was the killer of Phillip Lawrence, the head stabbed to death outside his school back in 1995. He had been released on parole; arrested for an alleged mugging, he was acquitted of the crime but still returned to prison for violating the terms of his release.

There's a nuanced debate as to if it's entirely fair for someone to effectively be sent to prison for a crime of which he wasn't convicted, or if it's fair that having promised to avoid trouble, and having failed, Chindamo was correctly taken back inside for his original murder.

It also calls for a steady hand to be able to object to the parole recall without being seen to be somehow downplaying the horror of Lawrence's murder, especially given how the death was a tabloid cause célèbre.

Nuance and a steady hand. Dappy's not really the man for the job, is he?

[T]he N-Dubz nincompoop, 25, claimed he never even realised what the convict’s crime was. He said sorry via Twitter to the family of the teacher, 48, who was killed in 1995 breaking up a fight at his West London school.

In fact, Dappy's understanding of the case seems to go no further than having known Learco's brother some years ago. (It seems as if one of his old neighbours asked him, Dappy would quite happily have stuck a message 'Fridge Freezer for sale £15 - some damage to door, working order - must collect' on screen, to be honest.)

Still, having had someone explain to him what he'd done, Dappy took to Twitter to try and stop the shitstorm he'd stirred up. That won't go wrong, will it?:

[E]ven his apology was hamfisted — misspelling their name. His message said: “My heart goes out to Mr Laurence’s family and I know the pain of losing a loved one, sincerely Daps.”

Someone so well-meaning, but so inept. Shouldn't he be in the cabinet?

Gordon in the morning: Not with a bang, but with a Twitter

Oddly, Gordon has detailed Ian Garland for today's plum job, cutting a pasting tweets between former members of N-Dubz to pad out the 'they've split, then" piece:

Accusing Dappy of misleading his followers, [Tulisa] wrote: "@TheDappy u know my number mate..I dont know urs cus u aint gave it 2 me since u changed it... so dont gass the fans, u wana talk Im here."

I suppose at least they're still following each other on Twitter. Tulisa could DM him, couldn't she? Although perhaps Dappy can't work out how to access them in the new Twitter interface.

Still: N-Dubz officially dead. Scientists now working on a cure for JLS.

Dappy owes it all to drugs

Dappy who, let's be clear, doesn't do drugs any more, believes the drugs he used to do - emphasis on the 'used to' - are what makes him fascinating:

He said: "I was never doing drugs to Amy Winehouse's extent but I could've really gone downhill. I could've easily stayed on drugs because I've got the money.

"Of course I'm not [still taking drugs]. I'm fresh and I'm clean. I've got two kids. But if I had none of that past, I'd find myself boring. What would I have to rap about?"

Did Dappy mention that he doesn't do drugs now?

Imagine that. If Dappy hadn't in the past done drugs, he might have been reduced to farting out empty songs completely devoid of anything interesting to say. What a crazy world that would be to live in, eh?

Just to be absolutely clear: Dappy doesn't do drugs any more. Did you get that message, kids? Dappy says it's probably vital to do drugs when you're younger, otherwise you won't have any experiences to draw on later, but don't do them to the extent that they kill you and make sure you stop before it would appear in the papers.

Gordon in the morning: At this difficult time

Why are there clearly collaborative paparazzi snaps of Dappy at Butlins all over Bizarre this morning?

The N-Dubz singer organised the budget getaway days after he was arrested over a bust-up with Kaye Vassell, the mother of his two children.

They say "the singer", but this looks like a management stunt; it looks like the equivalent of those grim-faced family press calls the Tories were doing two or three times a week during the Major government - husband and wronged wife stood by the gate, moving on, moving on.

It might work a little better if Dappy had kept on-message, rather than giving the impression that there's better places he could be spending his time:

Dappy, 24, said: "I could have gone to Florida, but Butlins is appropriate for the kids."

I'm sure he didn't mean to make it sound like he was thinking "if I didn't have to be doing this, I could be in the actual Disneyland".

Now, I might be being overly cynical, but if this really was an attempt to try and spend some time with the family what the hell was a photographer doing there? It could be that Paul Edwards hangs around Bognor in early autumn on the off-chance that, say Sting and Trude or Pippa Middleton come for one last go on the Donkey Derby before the camp closes for the year, and these were unwelcome and surprising intrusions for Dappy and family.

But clearly these pictures are staged. Unless Paul also tops up his wages with a spot of work behind the bar?

Surprisingly, it took two people at The Sun to wrangle the "exclusive":

EXCLUSIVE By CHRIS POLLARD and GARY O’SHEA

Wonder why team N-Dubz chose The Sun? Although Rebekah Brooks is supposedly gone, perhaps the paper still has understanding for those who spend time down the cop shop following a row with their partners.

Dappy arrested

The law will churn through the allegations that Dappy assaulted his girlfriend, possibly getting to the truth.

For the time being, though, let's just look at the opening to the Daily Mail story:

N Dubz singer Dappy was yesterday arrested on suspicion of assaulting his girlfriend.

The cousin of X Factor judge Tulisa Contostlavos was reportedly held for questioning after police were called out to the home of his girlfriend's mother.

He had a solo number one a couple of weeks ago, but he's really famous for being related to a judge on the X Factor. That might tell you something about the state of the music industry.

Gordon in the morning: Any old carp will do

Gordon Smart ripping content off other magazines in return for printing a shot of the cover is nothing new. But this has got to be the first time he's used Total Carp in that way.

Dappy. Dappy likes dragging fish out of the water on little hooks, in case you're wondering.

Jazzie B: Taking a John The Baptist role

Good news, British music scene. Jazzie B thinks he's spotted a saviour:

Dappy from N-Dubz could save British music, according to Jazzie B.

The Soul II Soul star - who was made an Officer of the Order of the British Empire (OBE) for his services to British music in 2008 - thinks artists have to rely too heavily on collaborations to get a break in the charts, but has earmarked Dappy as one step ahead of the competition.

If Dappy is the answer, you've got to wonder if the question was even worth framing.

Gordon in the morning: No Dubz

Good news from Gordon's corner this morning: N-Dubz are going on hiatus.

They're going to spend eighteen months concentrating on "solo projects" Dappy has announced.

It's possible that that's just what they've told Dappy, of course.

So, what are these solo projects?

"TULISA is going to do her films and her fragrances."

'Doing fragrances'? Doesn't that consist of nodding when you're told what it's going to be, having a photo taken, and turning up at a party? Let's hope there's quite a lot of film work to keep her busy.

"FAZER is going to produce half of my album and I'm going inside the studio to write songs with Tulisa.

Is it just me, or does this sound like they're all working together during their solo time?

Dappy is looking forward to his next year or so:

"I've got bangers for you - I've got a big solo album coming for you, three smash singles. By Christmas, hopefully, I'll have two No1s. One of my first ones is called No Regrets."

Does Dappy know when Christmas is?

Gordon in the morning: N-Dubz mention the Chilis again

In case you missed the claims of N-Dubz hanging out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers last month, they're making them again. Although the story now seems to have been downgraded from 'having a fun time in the studio together' to 'having an awkward encounter in a corridor':

Dappy said: "Anthony had heard of us, which was amazing. Well, he knew the hat, it's like my calling card."

The rapper also said the Yanks were baffled by his language - just like us then.

He told Q Magazine: "I had to tell 'em straight, 'this might not be SHAKESPEARE but this is how I talk, bruv'. They definitely didn't get 'Peng'. Peng means fit, sexy, good looking."

You had to tell them that straight, did you, Dappy? Because one thing all music critics agree on is that it's impossible to tell the difference between the Chilis and Shakespeare.

There is something sweet about Dappy that he doesn't think there's anything strange that his hat was recognised rather than him. Of course, it's possible that the more successful musicians weren't recognising the hat as such, just spotting an idiot wearing a hat indoors. In California. Or were going 'oh, there's that idiot in a hat we were warned about'. Almost certainly, they'll have come away convinced that he's called Peng.

Dappy is filled with self-doubt

It's almost heartbreaking:

In an interview with The Observer, Dappy admitted: "I get depressed. I've gone to dark places for days when I've seen our music videos have dropped off the TV airplay charts. Or I read a rude comment about us on YouTube. It fills me with self-doubt."

Jesus, man, if you go to a dark place every time someone says something rude about you on the internet, you must be living in a place that makes Wookey Hole seem like Florida.

It's fascinating to see that 'dropping off TV airplay charts' causes Dappy self-doubt - does he think that once you enter a chart you're going to stay there forever? Has he never stopped to ponder how it could be that The Beatles aren't still at number one?

Gordon in the morning: A maternity of errors

You'll remember a couple of days ago we were talking about Gordon's scoop announcing Dappy as Channel 4's alternative queen.

It seemed a rotten idea for Channel 4, and so it's reassuring to discover that Gordon was just talking bollocks as usual. MediaGuardian has the actual details of the Alternative Message:

A member of the medical staff from a Southampton maternity hospital will deliver this year's alternative Christmas message on Channel 4.

The Princess Anne hospital will form a large part of Channel 4's Christmas Day schedule, with the alternative message and a marathon of One Born Every Minute Christmas specials called One Born At Christmas.

Unless Dappy's picked up a bit of extra work over Christmas, it's another story from The Sun that turns out to be totally wrong.

Although it's possible Dappy will be needing a second job - the people who make Ghosthunting With are suing N-Dubz for breach of contract after the band twice failed to show up for the programme. Comes to something when the ghostly apparitions are more reliable than the star guests.

Gordon in the morning: Good news for the Queen

The rumours that Jordan is being lined up as one of the Today Christmas guest editors was rotten enough, but it now turns out that Channel Four have given their Alternative Queen's Speech slot to Dappy.

Yes, that Dappy.

Gordon, naturally, can't see anything wrong with this:

The viewing choice is bound to divide families across the the UK, with older relatives sure to stick by Her Maj.

Grans will choke on their mince pies if they flick on to Camden scamp Dappy's ramblings by mistake.

Really? Why? Because they'll assume there's been some sort of coup?

It's not the first time that Channel 4 have made a clunking choice for what's usually quite a thoughtful slot - they used it to promote their buying of secondary rights for The Simpsons one year; Ali G and Sharon Osbourne have both wasted the slot, too. But this is surely the first time they've given the time to somebody barely capable of stringing a thought together.

Gordon hasn't finished his Christmas TV preview, though, as naturally The Sun isn't going to let an article go by without a cross-media plug:

Dappy and Her Majesty have further competition on Christmas Day from camp dancer LOUIE SPENCE - who I call Louise - as he'll be giving a motivational chat to Sky 1 viewers in a Pineapple Dance Studios special.

Gordon: simply repeating the homophobic 'gag' that a gay man is actually a woman doesn't make it any better.

Gordon in the morning: Hair news

Churning out another non-story from N-Dubz this morning, Gordon reveals Dappy still has more money than sense. Although in Dappy's case, that would just be "any money at all":

[T]he N-DUBZ star is shelling out about £1,000 a month on a personal hairdresser to take care of his dodgy barnet.

Does this mean other people have impersonal hairdressers? But isn't all hairdressing personal by its very nature? Or does Dappy get something beyond "planned your holidays, sir?"

A source said: "Dappy is very image conscious since the band have hit the bigtime."

He can't be that image conscious, otherwise he'd never go out the house.

Dappy kind-of sorry about having taken meow meow

I'm not sure I entirely believe Dappy's admission on GMTV this morning that he's taken Meow Meow, as nobody who really used that drug would surely ever use that name, right? It's like a smackhead saying "oh, yeah, I'm addicted to poppyfluff."

Still, he's mumbled about how he shouldn't have done it - although when he did it, it wasn't illegal, so it's surely just down to him having made a stupid choice. And Dappy doing something stupid is hardly news, is it?

According to Twitter, Dappy's attempts to turn the story into a learning moment might have flopped a bit:

Was just watching the news lol dappy from n dubz on drugs! And he said every young person has to try it to know they dont like it LOLLL

[via @93Alan]

So... you shouldn't take drugs, except for when you take them to find out you don't like them. Not apparent yet what Dappy thinks young people should do if they had a bit of crack to see if they liked it, and found out that they did. I'm sure he's still thinking it through, people. Give him time.

Gordon in the morning: How many non-stories are there about N-Dubz?

Dappy appears to treat women like a total arse; Gordon spins this as some sort of adventure story.

I'm sure the characterisation of Dappy's ex-girlfriend as borderline psychotic was of no concern to the Sun legal team. It's not like she's going to be able to afford to sue, is it?

Gordon in the morning: Scrappy Dappy do

N-Dubz have got themselves in more bother:

JUST days after I warned N-DUBZ to keep their wits about them, DAPPY is involved in a "code red".

Isn't asking N-Dubz to keep their wits about them a bit like asking McDonalds to ready their best chefs?

It turns out this 'code red' is a bit of a scuffle in Manchester. It's headlined "Dappy Knife Scare", but the detail is slightly less clear:

A group of guys approached the bobble hat-wearing star and began shouting and pushing him around.

Within seconds the situation turned really sinister.

An eye-witness said: "A bloke waltzed straight up to Dappy and started going off in his face.

"It all happened so quickly. There was a huge fight. The main guy had a knife."

That's bad, of course, but it's interestingly phrased - "the main guy had a knife" is not quite "... which he was waving around" or "...and threatened to make Dappy silly string."

Gordon Smart is so shocked by all this that he turns into a Daily Mail leader:

It's a shame I know, but that's the way it is.

Still, there's no situation so terrible that the atmosphere can't be lightened with a pun:

A source added: "The scrap was an eye-opener for them."

I bet.

It could have ended up being an eye-out for Dappy.

How lucky that the "source" said "eye-opener" rather than, say, "a wake-up call", otherwise Smart would have been flapping: "it could have been... erm, goodnight forever... look, could you say it was an eye-opener?"

[UPDATE: the Mirror has the same story, except far from having a knife, the bloke was carrying a bottle. "Menacingly", reckons the Mirror, but there's no sign of a knife.]

Gordon in the morning: Perhaps you should have taken the day off

Always difficult to fill a newspaper on a Bank Holiday - even if you usually just make stuff up and copy out press releases - but Gordon's really scraping around today, splashing with a N-Dubz story that combines Frazer having some of his stupid jewelery robbed:

A source said: "He's gutted it was robbed in the scuffle. It cost him a lot of money and he wants it back.

"He's too embarrassed to go to the police. It's not the way he does things."

and this side-splitting story:

Although Fazer's dispossessing episode is no laughing matter, DAPPY being "nicked" yesterday is.

As the band were about to begin a book signing for Against All Odds at Lakeside in Essex, two officers led him away saying they needed to quiz him.

Once they'd got a horrified and confused Dappy into a private room, they announced: "April Fool!"

Dispossessing episode? Had Gordon briefly forgotten which paper he was typing for?

The idea of the joke is alright - clearly a 'you had to be there' moment rather than something you'd want to tell people about. Gordon, though, can barely contain his mirth:

Brilliant. That's something I would have loved to have seen. Can the comical bobbies reveal themselves please?

Oh, yes, please do. Maybe we could stage some sort of reconstruction.

The only thing that could improve on this is a long description of an even less funny joke.

TULISA was also stitched up yesterday.

Oh. Go on, then.

On the way to the signing their tour manager rang ahead to see how many fans were there. When he relayed "only about three," Tulisa wanted to cancel the event and go home.

She didn't realise it was a prank until they saw the 500-strong crowd waiting.

Oh, how they must have laughed.

Elsewhere in The Sun today - seemingly ignoring the idea that my enemy's enemy is my friend - the paper has a go at the nanny currently suing Heather Mills for constructive dismissal. The Sun perked up when the court case mentioned some photos the woman did as part of a modeling portfolio:

Mucca Nanny in mucky pics

Mucky pics, you say, The Sun? What would they be?

Sara Trumble, 26 - seen proudly posing in undies but who also had TOPLESS snaps taken for a portfolio.

Ah, so pictures of models with their breasts out are "mucky", are they? I don't really need to finish this thought, do I?

Gordon in the morning: About the footballs

You know what's more dull than the sports pages of The Sun? Kasabian turning the showbiz page into the sports pages:

[Tom Meighan says] "Capello has come in and, without going into too much detail, he's disciplined them and sorted things out.

He then goes into too much detail. For no apparent reason.

Let's hope we get JLS on the curling tomorrow.

In other news, Dappy from N-Dubz has been "hit in the face". By his girlfriend:

DAPPY fears his voice has been affected after he was allegedly hit in the face by girlfriend KAYE VASSELL.

Don't worry, Dappy. There's every chance that nobody will notice if your voice has been "affected".

His bandmates are there for him, though:

TULISA has jumped to her bandmate's defence after the incident.

She said: "It takes a lot not to hit a girl back - I wouldn't have been able to control myself."

Well, it probably takes a lot of Dappy not to, what with his record of attacking women and sending threatening texts to people he's never met.

Gordon in the morning: America won't take Dappy

Trouble as N-Dubz try to spin their fifteen minutes out by vanishing into an uncaring American market. Gordon reports this morning that Dappy can't get a visa for the US:

N-DUBZ star DAPPY has been a naughty boy in the past and it has caught up with the little fella now the band are due to meet big-hitting label bosses in New York.

It's curious - usually The Sun is pretty unforgiving about young people who've behaved violently trying to get special treatment, but Gordon seems quite forgiving about Dappy's conviction on two accounts of assault just over a year ago. Apparently spitting in someone's face is "being a naughty boy". Why, you might almost chuckle at it.

Gordon somehow types this with a straight face:

Dappy has had a bad run recently. Last week he sent offensive texts to a Radio 1 listener who laid into the band on air.

But he is growing up and deserves a chance to redeem himself by making a dent in the US chart.

He's grown as a person since, erm, sending death threats to a woman last week.