SIR CLEAN: So, Mick finally got the knighthood he wanted, which might be why he's now running round trying to stop his chauffeur from tittle-tattling about him in his book and in newspapers, taking out an injunction this week to stop things appearing. What's strange is that we'd read somewhere that Jagger had been happy for his former driver to print the book, because the allegations of sexual doo-daddery from the wrinkly rubbery one helped fuel the view of the Stones as wild things rather than OAPs. But it seems the segment that's causing Mick to be disatisfied deals with other celebs. Curious... Of course, it could all just be a push to try and raise our interest further. In which case, damn, it worked.

HOW SPECIAL ARE YOU?: Having lost a lot of sympathy with his pathetic spitting at the "motherfucker" who put his "shit" on the "inter"net, Eminem has tried to swing us back behind him by revealing that - fancy - Al Qaeda have issued death threats against him. No shit, Slim? Al Qaeda threatened this week that they're going to kill four million Americans. So that includes Vanilla Ice, too. If you really want to work up a degree of public sympathy, you could try complaining that Sky One's Pop Years tried to explain Vanilla Ice to a new generation by calling him "the Eminem of his day." Now that - that's gotta be unfair. Probably an album in it...

IT EXPLAINS A LOT: Dee Snyder is Christina

WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: THE DIRTY BOMB EDITION
there's two free cds that don't suck circling the racks at WH Smiths at the moment, as Seven enters its second monthly edition with a Cd including a Miss Kittin track on the cover, while Uncut comes complete with Charlatans on audio-format-listen style...

the current Spectator has Stephen Glover tut-tutting over the Jubilee concert - not because it had Atomic Kitten trying to cover Motown, not because the magazine had found out that Tony Blair lobbied for him to be able to sing with Sir Paul McCartney; no, it's precisely this sort of doing something popular and connecting with the people which undermines the mystique of the monarchy, don't you know? While we do agree with him that the world would have been a better place without Brian Dobson-May doing an electric version of the national anthem, it's proved a simple guide to just who the enemy is these days...

the strangest piece of the week was in Guardian Weekend, where Gabriel Garcia Marquez filed an article about Shakira - he's a big fan, apparently, what with them both coming from Columbia (so, doubtless fond of cocaine too, then), and it allowed the Guardian to have it both ways - an article by a Top Respected Name, illustrated by pictures of a woman in her bra. Tops Salman Rushdie on U2, doesn't it? This comes hot on the heels of the discovery last week that Peaches is also a big Shakira fan (she also comes from a country beginning with 'C', or they're on the same label, or something...)

In the Sunday Times Colour Magazine, they went off to see Jo Whiley. In a piece that was so full of quivering admiration that you could taste the salt in the air, in a desperate bid to put in some balance they dragged up the reviews of her Channel 4 show. "I couldn't understand it - I didn't want to have argument on the show" she defends herself, and the Times doesn't bother to point out that that would be the very reason the show was so unwatchable. You don't have to have people ripping each other's throats out, but to follow someone else's conversations, you need to have something other than a mutual mindwank going on. But then, of course, that's precisely the reason the Times piece failed. It simpered that Jo was the only female radio 1 presenter to make the Radio Times' top 50 radio voices list - strange that, since the only other possible would have been Sara Cox...

having bemoaned the generally shit nature of british music writing, we came across again a copy of TVS. The rapidly improving liverpool arts title has never been afraid to rattle cages, and leaps straight in waving sticks pointing out that Liverpool City Council's slogan for its European Capital of Culture bid - "The World In One City" came in at ten thousand pounds per word. This month's issue is boosted by being the official organ of Writing on the Wall festival - errrrm, supported by the Liverpool City Council Capital of Culture bid - and has Jamie 'I'm off to work for Select' Bowman interviewing Steven Wells of - of course - the NME. He (Wells) describe the Doves as Celine Dion with guitars and manages to answer a few questions before STARTING TO TALK TOTALLY IN CAPITALS. Bowman fails to ask why the darling of the SWP is able to take money from AOL Time Warner, instead asking how the AOL takeover of IPC has affected the paper as a whole. As if AOL is fundamentally any different from ReedEislever or IPC...

Talking of which, here is the nme, a lovley purple cover spoiled by being oasis. if you buy the magazine, it promises you'll find out why Liam's songs are "fookin' rubbish". Now, i don't need to spend £1-50 for that - because he's a fucking twat, with no imagination, no intellect, and nothing to say. Do i win a prize?...

news has Fatboy Slim in Japan for... hang about, wasn't this the lead story last week, too? Jesus, at least come up with a different bloody angle; Eminem crows all over about how he "beat" the bootleggers with all his fabulous security. This would all be a lot more impressive - we might even believe it - had he not had that big screaming fit of petulance when it was spread all over the web. Interestingly, he maintains that he'd kept hold of the only copy of the album during the entire record making process, which means we can only conclude that it must have been him who leaked it; and that he wants to beat the fucking shit out of himself. All those alteregos must be starting to confuse him; with nothing to the story than "ozzy to sell condoms", the nme pads out a quarter page with a sub-Thrills, will-this-do about bat shapes and so on; R Kelly has posted $750,000 bail and been released - not the first time he's bought his way out of prison on child sex allegations; the new supergrass release is going to be restricted to a 1,500 pressing run. Expect 1,400 copies to turn up in the bargain bins; the new Coral video is a rip-off/homage to The Whicker Man; the alternative Jubilee people seem not to have realised that playing twenty feet from the official celebrations and Not Getting Noticed At All isn't registering discontent, it's just not registering anything...

"My daddy wasn't an alcoholic. Life is good" trills on-band boy Carey of athlete, apparently the New Supergrass, so help them God; Brendon Benson looks soulful and comes from Detroit, and is already on his second label...

gig tshirts now cost £14, you know - fucking rip off, even if it is Idlewild and they are playing on the Shetland Islands. Apparently, very few people react, but it's an under 18 gig, and since its likely most of the audience are losing their gig virginities together, what do you expect?...

Somewhere, in amongst attempting to deny that Liam sounds like he's trying to be Lennon ("I think he sounds like Johnny Rotten" - so, at least we can agree its some fucking middle class wanker playing the rebel, then?), Noel inadvertently says something interesting: "I like Coldplay. I don't know why McGee said they make music for bedwetters. He wants to go and check his back fucking catalogue before Oasis came along - 18 Wheeler? BMX bandits? His band, Biff Bang Pow?" - demonstrating his own problem. The Bandits, the 'Pow - yes, they wrote songs that could usually fell a lumberjack with their tweeness, but they were heartfelt, and crafted. Coldplay's bedwettyness isn't because they were Fotherington-Thomas types, but because there songs lacked any attempt to take a leap with their emotions. Coldplay is "all yellow"; early Creation was a revolving paint dream. Not what's said, it's how it's said.
NME: What's on Liam's stereo right nowNoel: The Beatles.
Nuff said?...

The Music croak through a ten-track CD of stuff, including Led Zep and Stevie Wonder...

albums: Papa Roach - Lovehatetragedy ("solid. honest. rock.", 7); sonic youth - murray street ("fail to get into the groove", 6) - The review is just sixty words long, shamefully; Punk Rock Baby ("punk transformed into tweenieesque jingles", 5); this girl - short strut to the brassy front ("hormone crazed and unsullied self-belief", 6)...

sotw is the Vines - get Free ("stunning pop sense") over - HURRAH! - Mr Scruff's Shrimp (the nme says "It's not very nice", but they're beastly)...

live - the coral at ULU ("twisting and turning their songs"); Homelands ("it's difficult to act the churl... about the end of mainstream dance music"); le tigre at the astoria (it doesn't get much cooler")...

Finally, It Never Hurts To Say You're Sorry: Ozzy Osbourne apologises to fans over the "one big cluster fuck" that was Ozzfest.

Shit. We might need him in government.

AINT NO JUSTICE: The thing that's been worrying us about the whole Jubilee gig is why nobody invited Gary Numan? Not only is he enjoying a slightly more anglocentric revival than Ozzy, who did get to muck about for the inbreds and bepearled, but during the 80s he was about the only pop star who'd stand up and proclaim his support for the Monarchy. Hmmm... maybe that's it; perhaps the Palace was afraid that the then-balding, live-with-mummy, plane crasher's words of comfort were like being endorsed by Nigel Dempster or a geography teacher. Maybe no level of being repackaged as the Ahead of time, father of electroclash, alienated genius that he now apparently is could undo the damage.

OTHER MUSIC BLOGS ARE AVAILABLE: Like the one on Jockrock, a rather fine Scottish music site that we used to glance jealously at when we were doing Liverpool Hoopla (they had so much better raw material - we had to struggle back then with Mel C and bloody Ned from Waste); it reports that some of Danny Wilson have formed a new project, the Swiss Family Orbison. We wonder if it could possibly be as good as its name.

COUNTDOWN: When the kids went through a spate of killing themselves by getting locked in fridges, it was Neighbours that got the blame. With the kid found dead in a car boot, how long before Eminem and the Stan video get the blame?

SWITCHING OFF: Following the demise of Whereits.at and Rapture, the first music channel that people actually watched is to close. Play UK (ne UK Play) is coming off the air, after a disappointing sets of viewing figures. Owners Flextech are likely to use the space to create another UK Style type channel, or maybe a History one. Hamstrung by a tricky balance between comedy and music. The comedy caused problems as the BBC library (source of the commercial channel's programming) just didn't have enough new stuff in it to keep Play fresh - even the most diehard fans of Vic and Bob might feel a twenty-ninth outing of Shooting Stars to be pushing it a little - while the music programming did throw up some interesting things - Manni, ex-Stone Roses, current Primals, hosting a new music show that went unnurtured and unrewarded for its efforts; Play Loud, which while walking the Kerrang beat attempted to do more than simply go "video, video, video." But, sadly, it never took; moving from the music part of the Sky programme guide to the general segement made things worse; a reluctance to spend money culled original programming like Top of the Pops at Play; and then ITV Digital folded, and the one place where the channel could do well (it only had MTV to compete with on Monkey Vision) disappeared. We'll miss it. And we'll miss the Larry Sanders omnibus.

INTERESTING IF TRUE: XRRF favourite Miss Kittin (who, oddly, if the Miss K Yahoogroup is to be believed by her fans to be fat and ugly - eh?) is apparently about to record a cover of Eyes Without A face. Only in French. Hurrah!

PRETEND THEY'RE NOT DEAD: L7 have updated their website - still using those skeleton hands which are - officially - The World's Worst Band Logo. Highlights include a Love Advice page - jesus, how freaked must you be if you think L7 can solve your problems? Anyway, worth keeping a toe in the L& waters, even if the band are apparently "on vacation" at the moment.

THAT'S MORE SENSIBLE: The strange quirk which saw Britney Spears firmly installed as the world's most succesful artist on an indie label (I mean, she's pretty, so how can she be indie? Although she says she's a virgin, and most indie bands are...) has been removed, as Bertelsmann have bought up her, 2Pac, Zappa and all through a deal to take full control of Zomba. If this sort of thing interests you - and I'm led to believe it doesn't - you can read more about it at the FT

TEENAGE BEDROOM DREAMS COME TRUE: Peel on Demand? You'd better believe it - if we weren't being spoiled enough by the delights of Six Music, the BBC now have added the ability to download the most recent edition of many of its specialist music shows from Radio 1 as well - so, banish that slight Peel hangover, and listen instead at lunchtime; don't fight Morpheus to catch the lock-up, just log on the next day. Excellent work, the corporation.
The new-look Radio 1 alternative page - not too sure about that design, though...

ANOTHER 'BOO REVIEW: Luna in SF - over to Becky Bamboo:
I went to see luna saturday night. the audience was interesting. I'm beginning to think there really is no accounting for taste cos I see all types at the concerts I go to. but there was this guy.. oh my. he was youngish, I'd guess in his 30's, and he had *the* worst combover I've ever seen in my entire life. and it's not like he needed it either. it looked as if he had enough hair, though perhaps a little thin in front. it was combed forward and to the left and was thick and kinda fuzzy. and it had little sparkly bits in it from the way the lights made the hair spray shine. it was truly hideous. I'd watch other people notice it with looks of amused disgust and laugh. at first I thought it had to be some sort of joke. orironic. or anything. but he wasn't there with anybody. maybe he doesn't have any friends? after all, what kind of friends would let him out of the house like that? it was really, really bad. and very funny.

there was also a woman who looked like polly jean harvey from the side. she was joined by a guy with a whiteboy fro. *so* not who I would've pictured her with.

oh yeah, the music. the opening band was sonic boom, whom I promptly renamed sonic boring. take luna's slowest songs, slow them down even more, get rid of the pesky rhythm section, remove all semblance of a melody and you'd have these guys. and guess who joined them for a couple of songs? yep, whiteboy fro guy. hah. he didn't help though - just contributed another layer of monotone guitar. yawn. their last song was the worst - 20 minutes of repeating the same 4 bars, "girl, you turn me on".. ick ick. IT NEVER FUCKING ENDED.

so you know that onion article about the band being upstaged by the between sets music? uh-huh. somebody threw ben kweller, neutral milk hotel, the white stripes, the new pornographers, and one other cd I didn't recognize but liked in the changer and hit random. it was far more enjoyable than sonic boring.

then luna came out. yay! hey, is it written anywhere that every female bass player has to be hot? cos i sure seems like they all got the memo... and the drummer was bald. like, lex luthor bald. mmm... uh, yeah, the music. the new stuff fit in great with the older songs. it was all beautiful and fun. UNTIL I start getting the sneaking suspicion that they weren't gonna play 'tiger lilly'. now, the only reason why I got into luna was 'tiger lilly'. I *love* 'tiger lilly'. they tried to make it up to me by singing in french (bonnie & clyde), but I was having none of it. no 'tiger lilly'. I was so disappointed.

NEW SONIC YOUTH TRACK: If I'd had my wits about me, I might have been able to rouse you, and me, to yesterday's Sonic Youth webcast. Instead, all I have to offer - and it's not bad - is a link to their site, which has got a track of Murray Street, Empty Page, to download. If I'd had the sense to keep a closer eye on the rather fine blog at Gross Out Art, I'd have been aware. Still, wise after the event is still wise, isn't it?

SHADOWPLAY: "Due to fraud, we won't accept orders from Hotmail addresses" says DJ Shadow - ha! that'll show them, won't it. Um... unless they swap to using Yahoo. Or another. Maybe you should just try validating credit cards the old-fashioned way, Shadow...

RES' PIECES: Golden Boys has been released today. Res (you pronounce it Reece, see?) sounds like Macy Gray singing rather than exploding. Is hugely good and tunefull. We need some summer to go with it. And a big gin and tonic.

MORE FROM THE ROYAL-ROCK INTERFACE: Curious piece in the Sunday Times yesterday, about the likelihood of Jagger getting an "Arise sir" from the Queen next week. Not because of the title; nowadays Mick is all inside the cosy belly of the establishment. Indeed, it's that which is curious - according to the Times, Mick has been going round claiming that senior royals have been expressing their amazement that he hasn't felt Her Maj's sword on his shoulders already. Now, if you're hoping for a gong, it would take some uppity to make something like that up - so what gives? Does Charles really have Mick to tea, and tut over his mother's shortcomings? And if Jagger does get one, will the other Stones be up for the title, too? Better send Beatrice and Eugenie away the day Bill Wyman comes a-calling...

LATEST REPORT ON KETTLE - OVER TO POT: Jay Kay has, rather amusingly, branded Prince Edward "the most useless bastard I know" - isn't that "I know" somehow telling? - and suggested that the monarchy should be ended when the Queens stops. (Of course, this is in an interview with a Czech paper, since no British person is going to ask for the Hat-covered Stevie Wonder Squash for his opinions on the reform of the constitution. Not unless Bez has refused to tell the Spectator about his idea to reform the Lords). Hmmm. Edward might be useless, Jay, but at least he managed to get his vaccuous blonde bimbette to the top of the aisle. How's Denise doing these days, Mr. Kay?
even Ananova choose a pic of Edward over Jay - good god, I bet he thinks he could do better...

YESTERDAY'S MEN: Much as we like Abba (come on, everyone does), the success of that play-spun-from-their-songs Mamma Mia is a curse. Not only has it led to that ridiculous Queen musical, but now the music of Madness is being recrafted into a stage event. It's been written by the bloke who did Preston Front, so it might not be quite as bad as Ben Elton's piece (the similarities between the book of which, and Rush's concept album 2112 were usefully pointed out in a letter to the current Private Eye, by the way) but even so, for every good argument about collecting the works of Stiff's finest and stringing them on a plot, there are at least sixteen thousand reasons screaming "No No No." These things have, despite the best intentions, a tendency to collapse into AmDram meets The Tribute Band. For what it's worth, it's called Our House, and opens not in the middle of our street, but in Cambridge. Meanwhile, we await Tunic, a fantasy about a teenage riot set to the songs of Sonic Youth. "But, you have dirty boots..."
Chas Smash seems pleased by it all -but so do the Daily Mail, which is worrying

PEOPLE WHO LIE: Exposing rock falsehoods
The Streets - Lets' Push Things Forward
"You won't find us on Alta Vista"
Oh yeah?

LISTED SINGLE STATUS: Further proof of the need: Atomic Kitten to cover The Tide Is High. TIH was almost a disaster in Blondie's hands - it was only Debbie Harry's ability to make a desperate gasp for air sound sexy as well that pulled it off. And to be fair, the Kittens don't really have the verbal dexterity to handle the song. Added to the likely plod reggae backing from Orchestral Manoeuveres in the Dark, and you can see why the committee would reject the proposal with the instructions: Stick to the Bangles.

OTHER MUSIC BLOGS ARE AVAILABLE: This from the Pet Rock Star blog made me smile. She describes herself as a folk rock singer, but street fighter with guitar is nearer the mark...

BABY'S GOT A TEMPER: Almost by stealth, MTV2 is attempting to reposition itself as a commercial channel. Back when it was M2, and constructed by viewers, on the whole, we wondered how it was going to be justified at Viacom board meetings - "we broadcast 24 hours a day, and... uh, we don't make a penny off it." Over the last couple of years, it's started to change - rebadged MTV2, then dropping a lot of the segments programmed by viewers, and suddenly getting a lot more hard rocking. You suddenly got a lot less My Bloody Valentine, a lot more Limp Bizkit. Then it suddenly seemed they'd got some sort of bill, as they tried to tempt bands to advertise their gigs on the network. This didn't work - probably because they only promoted the opportunity on the channel itself - but the idea of a TV version of the Melody Maker's The Works is tantalising - bands looking for members could actually demonstrate quite how badly they need someone with a sense of rhythm; all those singers seeking bands could show why the solo career isn't the perfect route. Anyway, it all became academic because about a month ago, the rules of MTV2 changed again, and the full length version of the Nike Eric Cantona ad appeared. So unusual was this event that the word "advertisement" was superimposed over the whole event. It seemed that MTV2 was now prepared to be fucked up the ass by the beast of the free market. Only... nothing much has happened. The expected appearance of the Churchill nodding dog between Korn promos failed to materialise.
You wonder if MTV2 - having developed into little more than a "Don't watch Kerrang, watch this instead, stay in the MTV family" proposition - is running out of time and that Camden Lock is starting to question what exactly is in it for them. This week, it's started to look more likely. On Wednesday, the channel premiered the ho-hum-how-shocking Baby's Got A Temper video at 9 pm. And then played it over and over again till the following morning. Then they played every night at 9 pm - over and over again for an hour. Now, you might argue that when Britney released Opps..., you could be fairly certain that either MTV or VH1 would be playing it, and recently MTV Hits has appeared to have S Club Juniors on perpetual play, but this kind of block-booking of a single video is unprecedented. And, since the 'event' is so small (B-list band release another allegedly shocking video), you find yourself wondering: has MTV2 made a commercial pact at long last? And if so, is it worth saving a channel at the cost of its integrity? Of course, it might not be a payola deal, but if MTV2 really will play one track over and over for hours on end of its own volition - well, that might be even more depressing to contemplate...

LISTED SINGLES: Back when Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman were turning the beautiful incest-tinged majesty of Something Stupid into a crassly commercialised novelty hit (the sort of thing Comic Relief would do, but without even the saving grace of a charity blanket), we proposed somewhere that certain records should be given the status of listed buildings. Not that they would be put on a list of untouchables, but that a committee of genuine music lovers should be approached for permission. We were, of course, only joking at the time, but we're now thinking about making our plan solid. As if the limp-lipped cover of Light My Fire by Will Young wasn't bad enough, news reaches us that Andy Williams is being persuaded somehow to re-record Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You. With Denise Bloody Van Outen. Our panel would call in Ms VanOuten and Mr Williams, and ask them "Why are you doing this?". Andy presumably has either massive debts owed to the Russian mafia, or his family being held hostage; Van Outen clearly has no sense of what it is she does (we saw a couple of episodes of Babes In The Wood, so we know this for a fact.) The motto of the new regulatory body will be: Covers should add something, not diminish. And certainly never destroy.

CONCLUSIONS: Conclusions we've reached on bsn this morning:
1. By working with Elastica rather than suing them, Mark E Smith proved he was a billion times more punk rock than Wire or The Stranglers
2. When Bono goes to see his stylist, he shows a picture of Lou Reed and says "Can you make me like him?"