John Wooden + The Onion

A headline from this week’s Onion:

John Wooden, 99, Found Dea—Never Mind, False Alarm

It still has me laughing and I read it ten minutes ago.

Comedy Central does the Bucks

First, The Daily Show...

Next, The Colbert Report...

Both bits had great moments. I loved The Daily Show's comments on Feist and douchebags on laptops. I don't hear much Feist anymore, but a lot of opera for some reason.

I loved Colbert's joke about Paul McCartney's Memory Almost Full. Priceless. The day the Bucks introduced this album it played all day long in stores across the country, reminding us again and again that the Beatles were good and old Paul isn't. It is a horrible album.

There is one joke that I hear a lot. It has never really held much weight for me, even before I worked for the Bucks. The Daily Show used it. Whenever people act like they are ordering something at the Bucks they say something like, "Non-fat, grande, dry, latte, cappuccino, extra-hot, with two pumps of espresso." I don't find this all that amusing. Some people may not drink a lot of coffee, but one thing that isn't confusing is ordering at the Bucks unless people have a problem reading all printed menus in all restaurants. The menu is clear. There is no rush to order when in a Bucks. I wish people would take their time and read the board and actually figure out what they want. Just because the Bucks doesn't have value meals doesn't give patrons the right to be confused.

Kristol on The Daily Show

It's always good when Kristol is on the show because you know there are going to be fireworks.

Colbert's Strike Beard

Yes, I watched the best hour of political satire on television last night. Things were different though, very different. Since Stewart and Colbert are a part of the WGA they can't write any scripts for their shows. There is nothing in the teleprompter. There are no notes. There are no correspondents.

The Daily Show's punch has been diminished by the absence of its wonderful team of correspondents, but I'll take what I can get.

The Daily Show Strikes Back

Hooray. New shows start January 7th. Colbert will be back too.

Attacked Again

As the country watches and waits for news from Huntington, Utah, where six miners are believed trapped since Monday, the Middle East has erupted in cheers over the second successful terrorist attack in two weeks in the United States.

From the Anbar Province to the residence of Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, members of Just Into Hating All ‘Dem Independent Steamrollers of Truth from the States, or J.I.H.A.D.I.S.T.S, celebrated word of the collapsed mine by stomping on effigies of President Bush and chanting “Death to America” all while firing their Kalashnikovs into the air.

Shortly after the mine collapse Osama Bin Laden released a tape, apparently made months ago, in which he details the history of the making of the I-35W Bridge over the Mississippi River in 1967. Bin Laden’s first illegitimate son, Ahmed, born to Bin Laden when he was just three-years-old, is believed to have been smuggled into the United States in an opium crate early in 1967. At that time, Ahmed was just shy of his seventh birthday, but already had a devout hatred of the free world.

“Praise be to Ahmed!” Bin Laden says at the end of the video. “My son is the true mastermind of this glorious act.”

But just how did Ahmed bring the bridge down? Experts say that the reinforcing gussets of the I-35W Bridge were put under extraordinary pressure, but they should have held despite extra weight from ongoing construction on the bridge. This is where the mystery begins. No one knows for sure, but it is rumored that Ahmed, after making his way to the Midwest, was fishing by the Mississippi that fateful day in 1967. In his pack he only had a rationed amount of falafel (enough to enable completion of the mission), a vest laden with C4, and a few structurally deficient gussets. Sometime that day Ahmed was able to make the switch, putting his gussets in the real gusset pile, and being sure to put them at the top.

U.S. Intelligence reports have come up with nothing on Ahmed or his whereabouts. It is rumored in the Middle East that if Ahmed could have made it east, he was to use the C4 in another attack. Superstition among locals in Afghanistan is that he failed to make it to New York City, and that his C4 was found decades later by Timothy McVeigh in his hometown of Pendleton, NY, thus, sparking McVeigh’s interest in bomb-making. Not until the most recent Bin Laden tape had authorities begun to investigate the McVeigh-Al Qaeda connection.

Regardless of how the attacks were carried out, it has become clear to this nation’s citizens that the Heartland of America is now under attack. Al Qaeda has struck a popular destination for millions of Midwesterners and has now lashed out at the heart of the coal industry, thus making America rely even more on the oil in the hands of its enemies.