Thanks, 2009. I love you.

"The world is round
and the place which may seem like the end
may also be
the beginning."
-Ivy Baker Priest

Dear 2009:
I can't imagine how I could have had a better year than you.
Truly.

First there was the Graduation
(um, I'm a master!)

And then there was the celebration
(and I'm better for it)

Then, I had a paradigm shift
(and didn't we love that discussion)

Oh, but then I went to China
(hello! me! I went to China! Look at the archive to see it all.)

And then...I got brave
(when, really, I was still scared)

So that I could thoroughly enjoy a great thing
(and it really really was)

2009, you have blessed my life.
And really, we just got along so well.
I think you've been my favorite.
(but, don't tell all the other years. I don't want them to feel badly).

xoxo,
L

(PS If you're reading this, you've likely blessed my life this year as well. Gratzi. I'm grateful for YOU too.)

No regrets

I don't regret hoping.
I don't regret loving.
I don't regret believing.

I spent part of the last year of my life opening up my heart to one of the best guys I've ever known (and he was oh so careful with it.)

He is good & kind & smart.
And...
He made me laugh.
He made me feel pretty.
He made me want to be better.

He didn't seem to blink when he found out I was older than him,
or think twice when he knew I was finishing my masters.
He thought it was great I've had some success and encouraged more of it.
He saw me "do my thing" and didn't make me feel like I needed to be anyone other than who I am.

And I am oh so grateful.

I'm not the same girl I was a year ago.
not. even. close.
I KNEW it was going to be the best year yet.
And it was.

No regrets.
(and we really are okay.)

Just know that I know...

I spent the morning here: (photo courtesy of me this very day. pretty, eh?)

It's where I go when I need to feel God's undeniable love.
It's where I go when I need to know He knows me.
It's where I go when I need to be still.

Please don't ask questions.

Just know that I know that just because you want something...and just because you're willing...doesn't make it right...And when it's not right, if you're willing to ask, God is always willing to tell you.

Just know that I know that.

I'm such a girl

Today it's raining in St. Louis

and i'm feeling all jittery inside

and i'm a little tired from a late night

and i still haven't finished the scarf (thus the late night) I'm making for a boy (scarf for Christmas...cheesy or sweet?)

and i pick up said boy from the airport in just a couple of hours

and i have to try and not freak out that said boy is spending Christmas with my family

and our Christmas plans sound crazy

and so i try to remember that a couple of weeks ago, it sounded great...even important

and i feel grateful

but i am anxious

and then i'll have moments of calm.

Today I could throw up and go back to bed so easily.

Today I'm SUCH a girl.

"Give me twenty"

My dad traveled a lot when we were younger.
Many weeks he'd be gone 3 nights in a row for weeks in a row.
And he served in very committed roles in the Church and so sometimes he just wasn't around as much as we would have liked.

I remember that occassionally he would bring us little gifts from his trips.

For example, we used to play the "Alphabet Game" a lot on car trips as a family. (You know the one...you look for all the letters of the alphabet on billboards and the first person to "Z" wins.)
Well, there was never a "Q" when you needed one.
And so, one time my dad found little wooden "Q"s and gave them to us so we would always have a "Q" for the Alphabet Game.

But, I think my favorite Dad gift was a little nametag style pin.
It said simply:

"Give me twenty"

The intention was that whenever we needed time with our dad, we just had to wear the pin to let him know.

I'm pretty sure I was the only kid who thought wearing the pin was cool.
I'm pretty sure I was the only kid who wore it.
And I'm pretty sure I wore it a lot.
I was needy like that.

Well, last night my dad let me know in his own little way that he needed "twenty".
I was honored and delighted.
I love him.
And I love that he was needy too.

And so this morning in St. Louis, we set out to go to breakfast at this place:


And we were SO excited (how cute is my dad for playing along. Cute, right? And don't judge my "self portrait" skills. 6'7" dads are super hard to take self-portraits with.)

But, then, the excitement left. And we were sad (again, Dad totally knew the importance of the perfect pic for my blog).

Because of this...

So, we found another place for breakfast, though not nearly as yummy.
But, the yummy-ness didn't matter.
We weren't there for the food.

We were there for the twenty.

And we talked about stuff that was silly.
And stuff that was important...really important...especially for me right now.

And he told me things he hadn't said before.
And I shared things I haven't told anyone.
And we talked.

And we gave each other twenty.
A couple of them, actually.

We were needy like that.

The biggest risk?

I realize that because of the timing of my life right now, posting this is going to seem like I'm trying to say something I'm really not trying to say.

We're not "there" yet.

But, in light of some recent conversations with others and myself (trying to think things through without overthinking...always a challenge for a girl like me), I thought it was timely.

And besides, I've meant to share this ever since Erin's wedding anyway.

I was asked to read the following during the ceremony (and I might have cried a little. I might have.) from The Irrational Season by Madeleine L'Engle

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made.
Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take...
It is indeed a fearful gamble...
Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take...
If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom;
rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent;
into that love which is not possession, but participation...
It takes a lifetime to learn another person...
When love is not possession, but participation,
then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling,
and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.

It is indeed a fearful gamble.
It is indeed a risk.
The biggest risk.

But, I hear it's worth it.

Thoughts?

Shoveling snow & a marriage proposal

Yesterday was one of those days when I had too much time to sit and analyze and evaluate my life.
As a result I started thinking that I couldn't imagine myself actually leaving my life behind and taking the plunge into marriage.

I have days like that.

But today?

We got dumped on here in my little neck of the woods and by the time church was over, I knew I had some serious snow shoveling to do or I'd be hating my driveway and sidewalk tomorrow.
And so I shoveled.

But, I have a single mom to my north and a widow to my south.
So, I can't just shovel my little plot.
Because it seems so unChristian to just worry about me.

And so, I shoveled their plots too.
And it didn't take long into the project to find myself wishing I wasn't a woman in her dress clothes shoveling a bunch of snow.
And then the thought hit me: "If you were married, you might not have to."

And so today, if anyone cares, is a great day to offer a proposal of marriage.
I'm pretty sure I would quickly and easily say "yes".
No analyzing here.

Yep. I think I'd say "yes".

Well, provided you're willing to shovel my snow.
(Oh, and could you do the snow just to the north and south of me too? Thanks.)

Just two white non-democrats

Do you remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine thinks she's dating a black guy?
And he thinks Elaine is Mexican?
And there's something kind of magical about their dating because they think they are an interracial relationship?
But then they find out that they are both just two white people?
And it takes all the fun out of it?

Well...
I've thought, among other things, I was in an interpolitical relationship.
You see, I thought the boy in my life was a democrat.
And finding out he is NOT should be a good thing for a girl like me.
Sure...he's not nearly as conservative as I am.
But, still.
I thought my dating him showed I was so open minded.
Like somehow we were the "James Carville/Mary Matalin" of our generation. (that link is kind of a cute read, btw.)


But, somehow I misunderstood.
And I really don't know how that happened.
Especially with all of the political disagreements we've had.

Sure...he voted for Obama.
(and that should count for something in the "opposites attract" score.)
But, alas.
He is not actually a democrat.

Which means we are just two white non-democrats.
Where's the fun in that?

(PS...it's still fun.)

I love my google reader 2

Because it lets me read
of God's dealings with His children.

I got a little teary when I read this post.
Likely you've had a chance to see God use you.

But my friend Sandra (and I don't even remember how I first found her blog but I'm so glad I did), just has a way of sharing her experiences with God so authentically, that it makes me more committed to live a spirit-filled life.
Just. like. her.
(Oh, and I just remembered how I found it. It was recommended on my google reader one day and I LOVED the name of her blog and clicked through and added her right away.)

I love knowing there are other good Christian women out there.
And Sandra is one of the finest I've never (grin) met.
(and she's a great reviewer of books in the Christian market too!)

[sigh]

I go to bed early.
I just feel better when I do.
And I don't even mind if people think that makes me old.

I'm okay with that.

But, tonight, I can't quite shut down this brain of mine (I think it's my brain).

It's been such a good day full of such good things.
It started well.
And just ended even better.

And, as great as my life is in so many ways when it's just me and the Lord?

Yeah, it's pretty darn great when it's not just the two of us too.
Pretty. darn. great.

There really might be something to this whole "tis the season to believe" thing.
Yep...there might be.

[sigh]

Inspired Introspection

Upon the announcement of the death of philopher Truman G. Madsen, I was introduced to a little fairly unknown work of his: The Sacrament: Feasting at the Lord's Table. The Sacrament is basically a collection of short "stand alone" essays discussing all aspects of the holy ordinance.

And I've spent nearly every Sunday for the past several months, reading and studying an essay during the administration of the sacrament.

It's helped me focus.
It's helped me worship.
It's helped me change.

And after today's essay, I better understand why.

From the essay entitled "Inspired Introspection":
In his sacrament--and in all of the other ordinances--the Lord gives us glimpses of ourselves. In self-examination we are most blessed when we begin to see ourselves as we are seen by him and know ourselves as we are known by him (D&C 76:94). Knowledge of the Savior and self-knowledge flow together. "Let a man examine himself," Paul counseled (1 Corinthians 11:28)...

One might expect a study of the Savior might make one more aware of one's failings and shortcomings.
And this has.
But, instead of that having a negative impact on me, it's helped me feel more connected to He who can help me overcome both.

And that connection has deepened my resolve to be better.
It's strengthened my commitment to change.
It's given me a peace and security and confidence I'm not sure I've known before.

I'm seeing myself differently because I'm seeing Him differently.
And one of the things I'm seeing is how He sees me.

Inspired Introspection.

I love my google reader

Because it lets me read
brilliance like this.
I loved this post.
I love her blog.
(and her name is Laurel too...how fun is that?)

I think blogging was one of the best inventions.

And I think I'm going to pick things to highlight more often.
There's some great stuff out there.
And it deserves to be read.

Baby, it's cold outside

So, the day after Thanksgiving, we drove to Idaho City.
It was prettier than I would've thought.


Why doesn't I-84 take people through all the prettiest parts of Idaho? Why?


It was COLD...but
It was the kind of rustic mining town you could easily fall in love with.







And. I. did.