Do I dare?

Remember Jimmy B?

Remember how I reconnected with him on facebook?

Remember that book I'm supposed to help promote?

I can't quite bring myself to post this on facebook like I'm supposed to...
but they want me to.

So, I'm trying it here first.
I feel safe here.

What do you think...
Do I dare?



And should I tag him? (grin)

(There might be two more on YouTube too)

China: Final Thoughts

There is something really bitter sweet about finishing up the China posts.
Bitter that the trip is over.
But sweet because...

China changed me.
It really did.

I woke up the first morning in Beijing and I cried and cried. I'm sure Erin was wondering what she had gotten herself into. But, the truth is, I didn't quite know what to do with myself.

I realized it was the first morning in forever that I was waking up without my "list". The literal list in my planner and the literal list in my head.

The list that tells me what I need to do...that reminds me what I HAVEN'T done.
The list that tells me who I am...and tells me who I'm not.
The list that validates my existence.

Who was I if I didn't have my list?

I woke up that first morning and realized...
strip everything else away...
and I'm still...

ME.

I'm Me.

And "me" needed to change.

I went to China as a girl married...to my life.
Married to my job.
Married to my speaking.
Married to my writing.
Married to my lists.
Even married to my singleness.

And while there, I discovered that there is a whole world out there that I'm ready to explore. And it's not just about foreign lands and foreign people and foreign foods.

It's about what's right here (I know that sounded SO "Anne of Green Gables").

But, really...

Something about separating myself from the things that I've been letting give me identity and purpose changed me. I don't feel any less passionate about what I do for a living. I just don't want it to be all I do...or all I have.

I want more...

And I want more by having less.

Less "to dos"
Less pressures
Less stuff
Less angst
Less worry
Less regret
Less of what doesn't matter.
More of what does.

And it was interesting to see what I thought about and what I didn't.
Who I thought about and who I didn't.
How I felt and how I didn't.

When I was on the plane on June 7th, somewhere over the Sea of China, I thought about the next two weeks and wrote in my journal:
"I'm ready for the experience that lies ahead and excited to see what awaits. This is not a place I ever wanted to come or imagined I would travel to. But, it's somewhere I know I need to be."

I could just as easily write those words this morning...
I'm somewhere now I know I need to be.
And I'm excited to see what awaits.

China changed me.
It really did...

China 15: My favorite picture

When we drove into Guilin, out of the corner of my eye, I saw that we passed by a family on a scooter.
Not unusual.
Most people in China seem to have a scooter.

But this was a family of FOUR.

Erin didn't see it and I couldn't get it out of my mind.
But, I so wanted to see it again...
just to confirm it was possible, I guess.

As we drove out of Guilin, we pulled up next to this:

I rolled down my window and asked if I could take their picture.
They smiled.

And something about the light in their eyes and the peace on their faces....

I realized
they have what they need
and they can fit it on a scooter.

I want my life to fit on a scooter.
Not me & my stuff.
My life.

China 14: The Leftovers (videos)

So, I mentioned before that we got a little obsessed with China MTV while in...well, China.

This video kind of speaks for itself:

We LOVED Super Junior...a Korean boyband that started out as 8 but then grew to 13 apparently (and according to Wikipedia, this makes them the largest boy band in the world!). It's a classic song. "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry."

But, in Xi'an we met a real live street performer and he was so good, I'm still thinking about it. I wish we knew his name...or had money and could have helped him be discovered.

He was kind of the only man in China that I used the word "sexy" for...seriously. (When he does the little "wooh" on this on, try and tell my you don't feel something.)


I think nameless-street-performer-guy was one of my favorite parts of China.

China 13: The Leftovers

Curious what a girl like me takes to read on the forever-long flight to and from China?
No, I didn't get through them all...I finished 2 books and I'm not saying which 2. But, you can guess.
And if you're right,
I'll give you a dollar.

So these here are what we call "leftover shots".
They just don't fit anywhere else.

For example:

This is me in Guilin saying (and I'm not kidding): "People of China. I have something important to tell you! We have better beds! You don't have to sleep on wood! You don't!"

And this is just me showing off my photog skills (did I mention I LOVED my Canon Powershot on this trip? I could so do a commercial for them!)

This was the ONLY piece of streetfood I purchased the entire trip (well, besides bottled water, of course).

Then THIS...well, this is just comedy.
In Guilin we stayed at a hotel that might have been a little...um, how shall we say...
Oh, let's just let the pictures speak for themselves.
I walked in and too thought "what an interesting wall between the bathroom and the bedroom area"
But it wasn't just a wall.
It was the wall of the shower. Yep...the shower... (I'm obviously a little more modest than Miss Erin.)

Speaking of Erin, this was my favorite of all her faces the entire trip. This face says, "You think we're stupid? We know we're in a "tourist trip" and we know this is the worst food you could be feeding us to get us to try and buy more of your stuff and we're not gonna fall for it."

On the contrary, this was us being happy with our first lunch in Beijing. A real live authentic restaurant (that our guide apologized for). We LOVED it (even the plate with the fish head.)

Yes, I learned to eat with chopsticks. You didn't dare ask for silverware. I even bought a fancy set...for 5...I'm still using them.

Oh, and this is the Summer Palace. It deserved it's own post...but I'm not gonna lie, people. I'm tired. It really is an amazing place though...

China 12: The Temple

It was a wonderful experience to be on this island and know that, even there, I could spend time here:







While in the Temple, it was confirmed to me as strongly as its ever been that God is the Father of us all...oh, and I think He speaks Cantonese.

China 11: Hong Kong at Night

It's just unlike any view I'd ever seen before.

There was just something about...
Hong Kong at night.

(PS I was so curious about the video footage I took that as I was playing it back...yep...missed the finale. That is SO my life on so many levels.)

45 committed years

"I could wish for you nothing better than a good marriage, a happy marriage, a marriage fruitful in the sweet and satisfying things of life... Cherish your spouse as the greatest possession of your life and treat him or her accordingly. Make it your constant goal to add to the happiness and comfort of your companion. Never permit yourself to let down in your affection, or your respect, or your faith in one another."
(Gordon B. Hinckley, who happened to have married my parents)


I'm more glad now than I've ever been
that the two of you had the courage to enter into a covenant
oh so long ago.

Thank you for loving each other & loving us enough
to keep this family together...
and deeply committed to the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Happy 45th Anniversary Mom & Dad!
xoxo

Faith. & Doubt?

My Franklin Planner (yes, I'm one of those "low tech" people that has a BlackBerry but still prefers pen & paper for the managing of my life)...

ANYWAY..
My Franklin Planner had this quote yesterday:

"Faith and doubt both are needed--not as antagonists, but working side by side--to take us around the unknown curve." (Lillian Smith, 1987-1966, writer and social critic)

I didn't know what to do with this quote at first read.
I mean, I've always understood that faith and doubt cannot coexist.
I've thought doubt was a bad thing.

So I dismissed the quote with a, "This is a great example of secular vrs. spiritual truth."

BUT...
The quote didn't want to be dismissed from my mind.
And I think it's because Lillian is [gasp] right.

I mean, the whole reason I need faith is because I have doubts.
If I didn't doubt, I wouldn't need faith.
Isn't that true?

Maybe it's not "doctrine".
Maybe it's not sound.
But, I've spent my life thinking that doubt was a sign of my lack of faith. And there was always a little bit of guilt associated with that. And it made me feel weak.
I know I shouldn't doubt.
I know I shouldn't.
But, I do...
And I've decided that's not bad.

I spent a little bit of time since reading that quote searching talks and scriptures on "doubt" (it's apparently going to be the new things I'm studying). I know that it is true that in a single moment, "faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time". (great talk, btw.)
I know that.

But, it also seems to me that I don't need to feel weak when I doubt.
I don't need to feel like it's an indictment on my faith (or lack thereof).

On the contrary,
my doubting heart provides the impetus for my faith.

My doubts give me questions...
So I have a reason to go looking for answers.

I think I might really appreciate my doubts now.
I think I just had what they call a "paradigm shift".

So, here's to using the doubt
to muster up the faith
to go "around the unknown curve"
that is...just around this corner.

New personal best

I said a prayer this morning at 6:55.
It was answered by 7:47.

That HAS to be a new personal best.
(God's...not mine.)

It's going to be a great day.

Thurl Bailey & the Ford Escort Wagon

So, one of my first "high profile" assignments when I first started at Deseret Book (back in the day) was to manage appearances for Thurl Bailey. He had just released a cd with our record label and because he was still playing for the Utah Jazz, it was a pretty big deal.

And I thought it was a pretty cool gig.

Until that one signing that one day.

For some reason, Thurl (like a 7" NBA player) had been dropped off for the signing and needed a ride back to his house (like a mansion up in the Foothills of Salt Lake City). And for some reason (maybe God needed a good laugh that day?) I was the only person who could take him home.

Did I mention I drove a Ford Escort wagon at the time?
Did I mention Thurl is like SEVEN FEET TALL?

We had lunch today (I haven't seen him in 8 years and it was fun to catch up) and we laughed out loud as we remembered Thurl bending himself to get into my little wagon.

We put the seat all the way back.
In the reclining position.

Yep...

Oh, and did I mention that I also had brought a LIFE SIZE CARDBOARD THURL CUT OUT with me that I had to bring to the signing? And I had to take that in my little wagon too.

SO...
you have the mental image here?

Me.

My little Ford Escort Wagon.

THURL BAILEY...all seven feet of him in a reclined position in my car.

AND a second Thurl (of the cardboard variety) sticking out the backseat window...because that was the only way it would fit.

Driving at least 30 minutes through Salt Lake City.

I mean, that's comedy people.
You can't even make something like that up.

Here's me and my friend Thurl at lunch today
(Really, truly, they don't come much finer.)After bragging about how good I am with self-portraits,
Thurl kind of sort of maybe noticed that his head got cut off.
So HE tried it himself.

(Note to self: When taking a "self-portrait" with a guy who is 7 feet tall, let HIM take the picture.)

The only thing that would have made today more fun would have been re-enacting the "wagon episode" of 1999.

Did I mention Thurl is like seven feet tall?
And that I also had his life-size cutout?
Comedy.

China 10: Um, hello, markets

Well, it wasn't ALL markets.
But, let's just say Hong Kong was made for shopping.

And I never knew I enjoyed shopping SO much.

(Any place with a store named after moi, has to be kind of cool, yes?)
There was Stanley Market
And Erin's fabric market
There was "The Mall" market
And the market that had Vickie Shoes. Oh, Vickie (would you judge me if I told you I bought five pair? How 'bout six? Trying to decide between two pairs of purple shoes...because who needs two pairs of purple shoes?...Erin's mom said, "Oh, Laurel. They are completely different shoes. You should just get them both!" Oh, how I love Diane Hallstrom!)
And the JADE MARKET with rows and rows and rows of jewelry (where I bought the best pearls ever). I heard "missy, missy, here" A LOT (and I learned to barter from the pro...she who taught me to buy shoes) And made a new friend with "the pearl lady"
Yes, everything about Hong Kong markets (i.e. "shopping") was just a little bit 'o fun.

Does this mean I have worldy tendencies?
Am I a horrible person?
When you're in a city that you think you may never get to again, it's hard to pass up the opportunity, you know?
(You haven't gotten over the six pairs of shoes yet, have you? But, in fairness to me...they are GREAT shoes...and hey...Erin bought more!)

The cake (Reader's Digest version)

I basically think I make the world's best banana bread.
It started out as my mom's recipe.
But in college I figured out a way to do it cheaper...
and (shhh. don't tell my mom) better.

It was mastered while being made for the small handful of boys I crushed on. There are "banana bread" stories that even some of my readers know.
(Let's just say I was awkward in college.)

But this isn't about banana bread.

Nope.

This is about a cake.
Quite possibly the most divine cake ever made.
And it was for (I know...don't judge me)... a boy.
And even though the first round ended up in flames in my oven at midnight,
I was determined this cake would not get the best of me.
And I completed it.
And he loved it.
The word "amazing" might have been used.

And let's just say...
(Yes, people, that's called Ganache. I made ganache.)
Let's just say...
I'm not awkward anymore.

(oh, and I'm done baking banana bread.)

Here's the recipe. But, just like the banana bread, I didn't totally follow it...though not on purpose. And I'm sure the original is good too! (grin)

Non-Readers Digest version of the story to be told at some point. Promise.

God keeps His promises

Last Sunday I was asked to share a scripture that impacted my life.

Not an easy assignment for me.
Not because I didn't have one...
on the contrary, I've had too many.

You see, the Lord figured out early on with me that if He wants to communicate clearly with me, He needs to use the written word.
Where there is no ambiguity...
no chance I won't understand.

And so, in an effort to make sure I never forget, when He does speak to me through scripture, I make note of it in the margin. I write a date or a key word so that I never forget. And I have dozens of those kinds of markings in my scriptures.

He has used scripture to enhance my happiness & peace.
He has used scripture to kindly call me to repentance.
He has used scripture to assure me.
And He has used scripture to heal my heart.

My broken broken heart.

My margin for the scripture I shared reads "May-July 2007".
I copied this scripture on a 3x5 card and took it with me everywhere.
And I read it everyday...everyday for three months.
And the words sank deeply into my soul.

Verily, I say unto you my friend,
fear not, let your heart be comforted;
yea, rejoice everymore, and in everything give thanks;

Waiting patiently on the Lord,
for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth,
and are recorded with this seal and testament--
the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you,
WITH AN IMMUTABLE COVENANT THAT THEY SHALL BE FULFILLED;
and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good.
Doctrine & Covenants 98:1-3

And ever since last Sunday, I've been drawn to these words again.

And now, two years later,
I am overwhelmed with gratitude...
Grateful for the healing of my heart.
Grateful for the knowledge the Lord heard (and hears) my prayers.
Grateful for His promises.
Grateful to see how He always...ALWAYS...turns things for our good.

God keeps His promises.
He does.
And I won't ever forget.

I'm a girl in love...

...and I didn't even realize it.

Until today.

I was talking on the phone with someone I haven't talked to for several months.
Said she, "You sound different."
Said I, "Really? How?"
"You sound so calm."
"I am. I am."
"Are you in love?" she asked.
"WHAT?"
"Are you in love? You sound like a girl in love."
"I think I am", I said with a smile.
"With?"
"with my life...I'm in love with my life."

I don't know if it's that I learned to let go earlier this summer
Or I discovered that there's more to me than my job when I was in China
I don't know if it's that I added a new number to my "Family & Friends" on my Verizon plan
Or if it's something else.

But, something is really right in my life right now.
Not perfect...but right.
And I'm content
and calm
and motivated
and happy
and opening my heart
and making changes
and finding balance

And I'm in love...
with my life.

China 9: Hong Kong Park

Is there anything cooler than a city built around a park?
Maybe a park built in the middle of a city.

Think a smaller version of Central Park.
That's Hong Kong Park.
Pretty cool, eh?

(We're almost done, people. China is almost just a memory...sigh.)