Ah, contentment

No time to say all the things I want to share today.
Except that I finally parked my car in the garage again tonight.
And I'm determined to sleep with my lights off.
(had a little break in to my garage & car last week).

I am okay.
I am safe.
I am loved.

And this is quite possibly the best list of anything I've read in a long time from one of my favorite blogger friends.
Contentment.
Thanks, Jennifer.
I owe you.

(and then go read my little/wiser brother's response to my post yesterday. I love that guy!)

Guilty, Your Honor

So, you might remember my little encounter last March and then my follow-up in court.

It would have been nice if that would have been the end of the story.
But, then that would make me someone other than Laurel.

You might remember my re-do in Payson last June that turned into an arrest warrant.

It would have been nice if THAT would have been the end of the story.
But, then that would make me someone other than Laurel.

Apparently, when you sign an abeyance (like I did last April), they take it kind of seriously. And apparently if you violate that abeyance (i.e. if you get a ticket within 6 months after you committed not to), you have to officially appear before the judge.

I got the notice last week that I was to appear today. Yesterday I realized I was way too busy to come to court. So I called to see if I could make it another time.

The woman said (and I almost quote), "Dear, you are appearing before a judge. He sets the schedule. 'Order to show cause' cases are NOT rescheduled."

Wow. She almost made it sound serious.
(That would be because it WAS.)

I don't know what I was thinking...that it would be a casual gathering of citizens eating cookies and having punch? Shooting the breeze with the local elected judge?

I walked into the courtroom and saw before my very eyes a few guys...in jail uniforms...with shackles...actual shackles. Two armed police officers.

I kind of wanted to whisper, "I'm sorry but I think I'm in the wrong place. I'm just the idiot who didn't pay attention to the speed limit. Where's the room for people like me?"

An older gentleman came and sat by me. He appeared to be down on his luck, but smiled and tried to make me feel comfortable.

Said he, "Well, I hope the judge is in a good mood."

"Is he sometimes not?"

"No."

"Should I be worried?"

"What are you in here for?"
(What am I "in here" for? Isn't that what you say to someone once they are officially in the slammer?)

"A speeding ticket...and an arrest warrant..."
(suddenly I'm understanding the "slammer" reference a little more.)

The judge comes in and proceeds to explain the various classes of misdemeanors and then I hear him say that my class (class "B") can carry up to a maximum $1000 fine and/or 180 days in jail.

(I'm sorry. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?)

I look around to see if anyone else is freaked out by this news.
No one is.

The judge begins with the guys in the shackles.
It's some serious stuff.
One of the guys is going back to jail.
One of the guys is waiting for his lawyer to show up
(yes, I started thinking I should have had one).
And the other guy is having this charge dismissed because the prosecutor has another more serious charge to discuss.

Then my older gentleman friend gets called up.

His story is so sad.
And he blames it on the bottle.
He pleads with the judge to not send him to jail...
that he's finally getting back on his feet...
he can't lose this job.

60 Days.

The officer walks up behind him and puts handcuffs on.
Older gentleman is being polite and cooperative.
The judge reminds him he's been in and out of trouble and he needs to learn his lesson once and for all.

The officer took the gentleman over to the other "felons" and the old man sits down and starts to cry. It broke my heart and I really wanted to do something but then I realize that I'm still sitting here...I still have to talk to the judge myself.

My name is called and I'll be honest...my heart skips a beat.

I approach the podium.
The judge asks if I understand my rights.
He reads my charge and asks how I plead.

"Guilty, Your Honor."
(WHAT? did those words actually just come out of my mouth? How did I end up here?)

"Is there anything you'd like to say to me before I impose your sentence?" he asks.
("impose my sentence? Where am I? What is this?" Jean Valjean and Les Mis songs start running through my mind.)

"Just that I am so desperately sorry and I can't believe I'm here."

"I'm sure you are. Most people standing where you're standing are."

And the truth was, I was REALLY REALLY sorry.
I had been joking about it all morning at work.
I had even updated my facebook status on my BlackBerry right before the judge came in...like it was cool or something.

But, there I stood.
Guilty.
No excuses.
I messed up and I knew I messed up.
And I was hoping for mercy.

And the chance at a do-over.

There's another little matter in my life where I'm in a similar situation.
And ironically, this very morning not really realizing what lie ahead for me later in the afternoon, I knelt in prayer with a:
"I'm so desperately sorry and I can't believe I'm here."

There I knelt.
Guilty.
No excuses.
I messed up and I knew I messed up.
And I needed His mercy.
It was like I said, "Guilty, Your Honor."

And it was like He told me I could have a do-over.

And happily, that's not the end of my story.

Blessed.

Blessed.
That Monday night, Oct 6th, I went and played Mormon Bridge with my Grandpa, even though I had too much to do and I thought I should be working.Blessed.
That on Thursday, Oct 9th, after I found out my Grandpa sufferred a stroke, the Lord told me absolutely clearly through the power of a Priesthood blessing to "put your family before your work. Rush to the side of your Grandfather and be with him today. The Lord will take care of the rest."Blessed.
That I said everything I needed to say to him while he could still hear me. Then I hopped on a plane to Reno the next morning for our event there. I produced and spoke and had a life altering experience. I felt strong & confident...in Reno. Full circle. Blessed.
That when I woke up on Saturday morning, Oct 11th, the Spirit told me to get on a plane right after the event and go back to SLC. It was not possible to wrap up and close out the event in time to make that flight...but I made that flight. The Lord really did "take care of the rest".Blessed.
That I was able to spend 15 quiet moments with my grandfather's body shortly after his spirit departed this life. He was there. I felt him. As my Dad said to me in between sobs (his and mine), "Do you see how kind the Lord was to you this week to allow you to have Thursday and be here right now?" And I knew he was right. Blessed.
That right before they took Grandpa's body, his children, their spouses, me and my cousin Scott all stood around him and said the "We Are All Here" poem. Those words are forever changed for me after that moment.Blessed.
To have amazing friends who sent flowers, emails, texts, voicemails just reminding me it was going to be okay.Blessed.
That my family was almost all together.Blessed.
That people, some whom I wouldn't have expected to come, came to the viewing and the funeral...just for me. You know who you are...and I love you.Blessed.
For the amazing spirit that permeated every message and song and moment of the funeral. It was a day of gratitude for the privilege of being connected to a legacy of faith and commitment and devotion and kindness.Blessed.
That God, in His infinite wisdom, knew how much I would need Owen Mauss Christensen as my Grandfather. The one man in this life who loved me completely...never said a cross or unkind word to me...never was irritated or annoyed by me...knew I could do ANYTHING...wanted me to be happy...thought I could change the world if I wanted to. Said "Laurel, my girl" every time he saw me. We really did all think we were his favorite. But I absolutely know he loved us all the same.

Blessed.
Truly truly blessed.

(We had our family dinner at Chuck-A-Rama. Grandpa would have been SO proud!)

Reaching for my grandpa...

My heart is full of gratitude
and sadness
and hope
and emptiness
and peace

I need to record the magnificent tender mercies that have transpired in my life over the course of the last 4 days...but I can't just yet.

My eyes are still too wet.

Grandpa passed away this morning at 2:25 a.m. I was privileged to be by his side at 2:45 a.m. His spirit was still very much in the room.

And I thought about full-page days.

And his podiatrist and my wedding.

And reaching...and man, am I ever reaching...
for my grandpa.

God lives.
He is keenly aware of us.
He knows what we need...and what we don't...
And in His infinite wisdom, He takes care of it all.

He knows my name.
He knows my heart.

He knows my grandpa.

My prayer for you, my Post Office friend

Hi.
You don't know me.
And now you never will.

I was pretty caught up in myself today...
my own overwhelmed-ness
my own "i can't breath"-ness
my own tears in the car-ness.

But on the way back to my car tonight, after picking up my mail at my new PO BOX (526301, SLC, UT 84152-6301), I saw you a couple of cars away. You were crying. You had tissue and everything. You were wiping your eyes.

And I didn't know what to do.

Should I have walked over to you? Would that have been weird? Should I have tapped on your window? I didn't know.

And so, I got in my car and I pulled out.
You did too.
And I felt like I had maybe noticed you for a reason.
Maybe I SHOULD have walked over.
Maybe I SHOULD have tapped on your window.

So, now, should I have followed you? Would that have been weird? Should I have driven to your house and asked you if you were okay?

Maybe I SHOULD have.
But, I didn't.

I turned left.
You turned right.
And I said a little prayer.
It went something like this:

"Heavenly Father...

You know how I woke up crying this morning and then I heard the creaking of my dad's ankles as he came up the stairs and felt safe?

You know how I freaked out with anxiousness in the shower and then saw my mom reading her scriptures as I left the bathroom and I felt peace?

You know how I knelt in prayer and told You I just couldn't possibly do everything I felt like You were expecting me to do right now and then my Boston friend called not 10 minutes later telling me she felt like she should call and tell me I was doing something important and that she knew I COULD do it all?

You know how I was driving out the driveway after an "I'm 10 yrs old" tearful good-bye to my parents and felt like I should pull back in and run inside and ask my father for a blessing?

You know how I just needed to know I was going to be okay and Jami texted me and told me that very thing?

You know how I just needed to know someone else knew what I was feeling and one of my new favorite virtual blogger friend sent me an email telling me that?

You know how I didn't know how I was going to fit time in for lunch and I needed a breather and I was so hungry and Tam brought lunch...AND Lilly?

You know how I've been a little insecure about this weekend and then a friend of the male persuassion told me I've never looked better?

You know how I needed to talk about a lot of things and then suddenly my boss's other meeting canceled and we actually talked about it all?

You know how I just needed to know I'm still a girl and that boy with an Old Testament name called and left a cute message?

Yeah, You know all of those things You orchestrated for me today?
Wow...
You really orchestrated a lot of things for me today.

Um, could you do it for my Post Office friend too?

Please send someone her way.
Have someone call her or stop by.
Help her not feel so sad or so alone or so overwhelmed...or whatever she is feeling.
Help her.

Like You so clearly and kindly and graciously helped me.

Thank You.
Thank.
You.
Thank You.

Amen."

I was just kidding...

...about yesterday.
I don't really want to hang around in this season anymore.
Today, I'm pretty much done with it.

The capris and cute sandals?
Yeah, they've been fun.
But, I'm ready for the jacket and boots.
I am SO ready.

(does this make me a hypocrite? or bi-polar? I can't decide.)

Just one of those days...

I need to remember what is REALLY important.
What is REALLY eternally significant.
WHO is really eternally significant.

My reminders...from just a week ago:
(A season of apple picking...does life get any better?)

James as Paris Hilton...he actually wore this to GO apple picking...he had gloves on too. Classic.

Ah...I needed that.
Things are gonna be okay.

Capris and cute sandals...just a little longer

Today was a gorgeous fall day.
The kind of day where the sun is shining and the air is crisp.
With the temperature in the low 60's.

As I was driving to a lunch date (how much do we love those?), I couldn't help but be intrigued by the attire of some of the people on the streets downtown.

People were wearing jackets and boots. I even saw fleece!
Any excuse to bring on the change in the season.

But, um, it was like in the 60's, people.
What's up with the winter attire?

Take this same day, 6 months from now.
A gorgeous spring day.
The kind of day where the sun is shining and the air is crisp.
The temperature in the low 60's.

And what will you see people wearing?

People will be wearing capris and cute sandals.
Any excuse to bring on the change in the season.

Isn't that interesting?
Same kind of day.
Same kind of sun.
Same kind of temperature.
But, very different reactions.

Why the difference?

After summer, we're ready for fall. Fall means winter.
Oh, how we love winter! We're SO done with summer!

But after winter, we're ready for spring. Spring means summer.
Oh, how we love summer! We're SO done with winter!

It's all a matter of perspective.
And which end of the season you're on.

Which got me thinking...
Would I approach my day differently if I knew it was the last day of this particular season of my life?

If I knew that I wasn't going to get to work at a job I love for much longer, would I give the hours I'm at the office even more of my best effort?

If I knew that I wasn't going to get to live a life that's all about me much longer, would I look at each moment of aloneness as another opportunity for personal development?

If I knew that I wasn't going to get to have one on one time with my parents for many more months, would I be less irritated when my father is obnoxious (just wanted to make sure you were still reading this, Dad) and just enjoy their company?

If I knew I that I wasn't going to get to be the favorite aunt forever (because, let's face it, it's harder to be the favorite aunt when you have children of your own), would I make even more time for those ridiculously cute kids?

If I knew that I wasn't going to get to go on another blind date, would I...(okay, just typing that one made me laugh.)

But insert any current life situation you might find yourself in.
Seasons end eventually.
They do.

Today was a perfectly fine day for capris and sandals.
And many will wish they had worn them just a little longer when the cold days of winter are here.
But, they thought there were tired of summer.
And they longed for winter.
Won't it be funny when they're tired of winter.
And they end up rushing into Spring?
Right back where they started?

I think I'm not going to keep trying to rush this season of my life.
I think I'm going to just enjoy it while it lasts.
Trusting that every season ends when it's time.

I trust that every season ends...when it's time.
(and, really, capris and cute sandals aren't so bad...
granted, the jackets and boots will be fun too...
when it's time.)

My little heart just can't hold it all

Sometimes when I have a weekend to focus on:
what I've been given,
what I've heard,
what I'm grateful for,
what I want,
what I hope for,
what I feel,
what I ache for,
what I love,
what I believe,
what I know,
what I need,
what I have,
what I want to DO,
what I pray for,
what I know He hears,
what I know He's done,
what I know He's doing,
what I have committed to,
what I am capable of,
what I am capable of through Him,
what He wants for me...

Sometimes my little heart just can't hold it all.
It overflows...and the tears do too.

God is good.
It's such an amazing time to be alive.

A true Christian

I attended the funeral today of a good man. Christian Thad Adams seemed to have left this life too early. But, as his younger brother Seth said today, "He didn't leave early. He just ran through life and finished before the rest of us."





Funerals are interesting experiences.
A mix between the overwhelming sadness because of those left behind,
overwhelming joy because of the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ,
and overwhelming desires to live life a little better...a little more Christian.

Christian was...a Christian in the truest sense of the word. I was around him a handful of times but he was the kind of person who made you feel like you were one of his dearest friends. He had a smile that you couldn't believe was real...except that he always had it with him. ("If you smile when no one is around, you really mean it." -Andy Rooney)

I needed the reminder yet again today that when push comes to shove, there are things that matter and things that don't. And inspite of ourselves and all of our weaknesses and all of our shortcomings, Jesus Christ has made it possible for all of us...ALL OF US to return home, literally, and be with our Father again. I do not have words tonight to adequately express what that knowledge means to me.

And I honestly believe that the checklist of things we thought was so important will not even be looked at.

I believe the questions I'll be asked are more like these:
"Were you kind to your brothers and sisters?"
"Did you help another of my children come back to me?"
"Were you happy? Did people know it?"
("Did you clap your hands?"...sorry. couldn't resist.)

I want to smile more...when no one is around.
I want to be more aware of those around me...especially in elevators.
I want to be kinder...even to people who own cats.
I want to enjoy every moment...and actually take time to experience them.

I think true Christians do these things.
And the world just lost a true Christian.
A really truly good one.

I want to be one of the people who fills in while he's gone.
Want to join me?