Magic Weapon History Tables

In honour of Glamdring and Orcrist, two of my favourite characters in The Hobbit. To be used when identifying magic weapons, for a more interesting result than just "this is a +1 sword",  also potentially providing future plot hooks. In my game, I plan to have identification be performed by sages, long-lived elves, dead spirits, ancient golems and other NPCs who are likely to know the history of such things.

1. The Weapon's Name
1. Providence
2. Calamity
3. Eye-Gouger
4. Freerazor
5. Heartsblood
6. Cruelty
7. Usurper
8. Grass-Cutter
9. Gut-Render
10. Limb-Eater
11. Freedom
12. Pallbearer
13. Thrice
14. Dreamer
15. Marrow-Dancer
16. Clamour
17. Fang-Breaker
18. Thunderhead
19. Guts
20. Antechamber
21. Cumulonimbus
22. Final Destination
23. White Out
24. Potato
25. Cigar
26. Hot Tramp
27. Spiderface
28. Real Horror Show
29. Adam Kadmon
30. Crying Game

1a. Paired Weapons
1. Sunlight & Moonshadow
2. Frenzy & Contemplation
3. Northbite & Southfang
4. Terror & Misery
5. Wolf & Polecat
6. Pox & Malefice
7. Liver & Lung
8. Youth & Beauty
9. Seizure & Fugue
10. Drunkard & Hierophant
11. Rib-Chewer & Sphincter's Worm
12. Death By Drowning & Life Behind Bars

2. Its' Former Owner
1. Drouse, a dwarf lord whose bloodline vanished under mysterious circumstances
2. Rhiatha, a princess renowned as a master tactician
3. Tanith of Llor, a prince exiled for terrible crimes
4. Bloody Rose Kenneck, the pirate king's daughter
5. The Boudixhain, ten generations of warrior-queens
6. The Farnoes, three squabbling brothers
7. Croab, the shaman of the renowned Golgangr Orcs
8. Manos, a notorious bandit operating out of an abandoned keep
9. Tremulere, an elvish king who fell in love with a human
10. Homon, a monk who was spontaneously enlightened with a new form of weapon arts
11. Vernoth, a weaponsmith who would not let his creations be given to anyone else
12. Memodes, a ghost who guarded a remote tower
13. Tryvarg, a viking seacaptain
14. Qalloq, a paladin from a distant land who died without ever returning home
15. The Blue Company, an anarcho-syndicalist mercenary band who shared their weapons equally
16. Prelemor, a fat judge who was proud to hang the weapon on his wall and never use it
17. Sturga, a widely loathed inquisitor for a violent regime
18. Chasmesis, a spirit who possessed the weapon for a time before moving on
19. Knobbs, a greasy peasant who found the weapon by accident
20. Freya and Frenka, weapon-juggling ninja sisters extraordinaire
21. Rathus, a mighty warrior who either died or ascended to another plane of existence
22. Gharl III, undead king of the lowlands
23. Asppago, ancient emperor of the serpent-men
24. The Fighting Norns, who shared one eye, one tooth and one blade between them
25. Theliel, an angel of vengeance sent to smite a wicked king
26. Sebekim, a wandering golem created along with the weapon
27. Atropos, a silver dragon whose hoard consisted exclusively of weapons
28. Caulbach, a legendary assassin who possessed ninety-nine weapons that he referred to as his 'wives'
29. Yrvander, a sentient mountain - what it was doing with a human-sized weapon is a mystery
30. Satan

3. Its' Past Deeds
1. Shattered the gates of a besieged city
2. Slaughtered dozens of orphans
3. Lay dormant in an enchanted pool for decades
4. Shattered a much older and more valuable magic weapon
5. Assassinated a bridegroom on his wedding day
6. Destroyed a bridge, turning the tide of a battle
7. Wielded in the last great war fought by the owner's people
8. Tempered in the blood of a dragon
9. Concealed by refugees when their city was sacked
10. Slew the last member of a now-extinct race
11. Sacrificed victims to a dark god
12. Lopped the left head of the Great Ettin, which turned out to be the voice-of-reason head
13. Broke the first chains of a slave uprising
14. Used to execute the King of Thieves
15. Used to carve out a new barony in the depths of the wilds
16. Associated symbolically with a certain city
17. Buried with a knight who later emerged from his tomb
18. Blessed by a saint just before she left this world
19. Was married to a sentient sword to sate the sword's steely lust
20. Turned upon its owner and devoured his/her soul
21. Transformed into a fair maiden and then back again
22. Wandered the land on its own two feet
23. Slew one member of the toughest class of monsters in the campaign world (dragons, mecha, sorcerer-kings - depends on your setting)
24. Cut off the hair or fingernail of a god, which became a powerful relic in its own right
25. Arrived in this world from a parallel timeline
26. Thrust into a dimensional breach to seal an eldritch abomination
27. Divided into over a dozen copies due to time shenanigans
28. Cut the chain that held the moon to the earth
29. Cut off the eighth syllable of the second line of the haiku
30. Smote a hole in the fabric of reality

4. Where It Was Last Seen
1. Stolen by goblins
2. Fell into a river
3. Lost in a storeroom of a collapsed keep
4. Teleported away to a random location
5. Lost in a battle
6. Hidden by the owner, who died before retrieving it
7. Traded to the faeries in exchange for a lost hour
8. Passed on to an heir of staunchly unadventurous character
9. Pilfered by a burglar
10. Paid in tribute to a giant king
11. Swallowed by a whale
12. Buried in the flesh of a beast that later escaped
13. Sealed inside a pillar of a new building
14. Hurled into a volcano
15. Taken away across the sea by a fading race
16. Deliberately dropped into the ocean
17. Absorbed into a gelatinous cube
18. Buried under a collapsing mountain
19. Sealed in a temple that was never to be opened again
20. Destroyed utterly, but prophesied to return
21. Dropped into a crack that opens on the Underworld
22. Carried away by a flight of ravens
23. Lost in the frozen wastes of the south pole
24. Turned to stone along with its owner
25. Dropped through a crack between dimensions
26. Lost in outer space
27. Sent back in time
28. Taken by a unicorn to replace its horn
29. Sacrificed to a dark oracle
30. Carried away by angels

(Note: I'm trying a new thing here where each table gets more gonzo as it goes on, roughly divided into groups of 10, so you can roll a d10, a d20 or a d30 depending on how much variety you want. Or if you only want gonzo stuff you can roll d10+20 or whatever. In this case, higher numbers also generally correlate to more powerful magic weapons.)

(Note #2: Some entries provided by the inestimable Shoe Skogen.)

100 districts for a fantasy city

(probably fantasy London)

1. Maggot's End
2. Scullion Corner
3. Crow
4. Menagerie
5. Guts
6. Greater Clacking
7. Holy Word
8. Heavy Rocks
9. Archetype
10. Stupid Hedge
11. Yeast-Infection
12. Babbling Tower
13. Keepsilent
14. Freezy Narrows
15. Blue Barge
16. Harbardsljod
17. Vixeny
18. Ottoman
19. Freakshoe
20. Blackheart-by-the-Bay
21. Scorn
22. Flaxen Flats
23. Scoddy Crossroads
24. Harm-Path
25. Herpes Ridge
26. Escutcheon
27. Tlaxcala
28. Nevermore
29. Gilgamesh Pike
30. Whiskey Corner
31. Herne Park
32. Fig Town
33. Nobody-Knows-Who
34. Monarch's Sorrow
35. Paladin & Shrub
36. Demonology Campus
37. Hate Mansion
38. Reverend-Upon-Dream
39. Thirty Fathoms
40. Craven's Isle
41. Pirate Heights
42. Halloween
43. Feldspar
44. Procession
45. Wyrd
46. Ananse Row
47. Hoppington Market
48. Grumpkin & Snark
49. Yellow Lane
50. Babel Square
51. Shahnahmeh
52. Playhouse Court
53. Ginger Grove
54. The Mellows
55. Seven Sisters
56. St. Witchettins
57. Cream Puff
58. Barricade Road
59. Wyrm Rock
60. Triggsford
61. Pebble Park
62. Swampy Bottom
63. Pie Avenue
64. Urdsbridge
65. Gallowsbridge
66. The Shadow Market
67. Hiddeny Hollow
68. Hopscotch
69. Tintagel Island
70. Highroad's Edge
71. Greed's End
72. Goblin-Barrel
73. Serpents Mill
74. Lord's Redoubt
75. Hunter Street
76. Etchings
77. St. Plover
78. Ettin Hill
79. Timpani
80. Croak Hill
81. Gehenny Waters
82. Herpecide Moon
83. Mount Beryond
84. Thripsey Shee
85. Bridgetown
86. Thistle Park
87. Merrow Point
88. Harper's Estuary
89. Lawyer's Lock
90. Ransom Canal
91. Quickling Pier
92. Jerrow Downs
93. Fort Urizen
94. Typhon's Field
95. Frotter's Corner
96. The Pit of Licentiousness
98. Hand-Me-Down Town
99. Bezoar
100. Radishscape

Dice Drop Terrain Tables for D&D4E

One of the complaints that people have about D&D 4th edition is that it encourages 'My Precious Encounter' style DMing. That is, you spend ages crafting a beautiful encounter with complex monster powers and dynamic terrain, so your players are damn well going to encounter this encounter, whether they like it or not, whether they come up with a clever way to bypass it or not! And thus, railroading.

Here's a (partial) solution to this: instead of preparing distinct terrain setpieces for every encounter, just use a table of terrain features for each environment. Toss 2-4 dice onto the battlemat when the encounter begins, and draw in the terrain features wherever they land. Of course you can still override this system when you need to, but it's just a tool. It means not only that you don't have to put so much sweat into any one encounter, but also that you can easily relocate an encounter from one area to another if the need arises. This does have the side effect of creating a world where more or less every location is full of potentially deadly environmental hazards, but I don't see this as a bug.

Examples:

City Streets (d8)
1: Winding stairs down from terrace that divides the battle area in two. Fall 10'/1d10 damage.
2: Deep ditch full of shit. DC 15 Athletics to climb out.
3: Street vendor who is angry at the combatants for driving away business. 20% chance of throwing alchemical vials for 1d8+2 damage.
4: Circular fountain 4x4.
5: Large brazier - attack roll to kick over, 2d8 damage + ongoing 5.
6: Thoroughfare 3 squares wide. Each round, 50% chance of a cart racing past at speed 8, dealing 2d8 damage to anyone it runs over.
7: Huge dungheap - anyone knocked into it it slowed and grants combat advantage - standard action to try and wipe it off (saving throw).
8: Rickety scaffolding up against a wall, with ladders. Poles have AC 15, 1hp. 20' off the ground.

Tomb (d6)
1: 1d4 coffins; Athletics DC 17 to put a lid on the coffin, whereafter anyone trapped inside must make a DC 25 Athletics check to bust out.
2: Large spikes along nearest wall - knocked into or thrown onto them, take 2d8 damage and be impaled (immobile, save ends).
3: Dart trap, triggered by pressure plate, fires across room at +10 to hit for 2d6 damage.
4: Hole to lower level 2x2, with a 1-square ring around it of unstable ground that will collapse under the weight of a person. Fall 20'/ 2d10 damage.
5: Large statue, Athletics DC 12 to push over, 2d8 damage and 50% chance to pin down (save ends).
6: Bone pile, 8-10 squares in irregular shape, difficult terrain.

Wild Forest (d6)
1: Beehive hanging from tree. Can be grabbed & thrown, DC 13 Nature or Thievery to not get stung, if you hit them they get stung, stinging is ongoing 5 damage and grant combat advantage (save ends).
2: Embankment dividing up the play area. When sliding down, DC 10 Acrobatics to not fall prone. When climbing up, DC 13 Acrobatics/Athletics.
3: 2d4 thickets, 2x2 each, difficult terrain.
4: Stream bisecting the play area. 3-4 squares wide, difficult terrain.
5: 2 animate thorn bushes that get angry if anyone runs into them. 2x2, will attack at +6 for 1d8+5 damage.
6: Tarn, takes up all the space from the die to the nearest side of the map; some banks are up to 5' high, can't be climbed out except with a DC 20 Athletics, so you're better off swimming around.

Sadly, the damage expressions and hit bonii and the like are still going to become obsolete fairly quickly as the PCs' and monsters' stats inflate with every level. Sigh...

At the Bad Guys' Mercy

So you've been Sleeped, Webbed or otherwise incapacitated by your enemies. Will they now cut your throat in cold blood? Possibly, that's what you'd do to them. But if not:

1. Your captors take all your items, even your clothes. Then they set you free.
2. Your captors decide, whether rationally or otherwise, that they can get a good price by holding you for ransom. You are locked/tied up somewhere while a series of opaque Coen Brother-style negotiations go on in the next room.
3. Your captors are slave traders. They strip you of your belongings, attach collars to your necks and take you to the nearest market.
4. Your captors are a slave-driving race who regard all other humans as inferior. They take you as their slaves directly and put you to work on a construction project or perhaps in support of their armies.
5. Your captors are cultists. They take you to their temple to be sacrificed to their dark god.
6. Your captors are cultists. They regard you as avatars of their dark gods. They take you to their temple where your every wish is catered to, except your wish to escape. Also, they seem to be marking off the days since your arrival on a stone calendar...
7. Your captors serve a powerful wizard. You are taken to his laboratory to be polymorphed or grafted in his bizarre experiments. If you survive the experiments you may actually be better off than you were before.
8. Your captors are fairies. You serve a mysterious durance in their fairy kingdom. You age 50 years but the world remains unchanged, or maybe vice versa.
9. Your captors are cannibals, or possibly just another race that likes to eat humans. They lock you in a pen and prepare to cook the burliest of your party (anyone with STR or CON above 13). The others they will fatten up for several weeks before devouring.
10. Your captors are a brutal race who respect strength above all else. They take you in chains to a gladiatorial arena where you may fight wild animals for a chance at freedom or even knighthood in their savage kingdom.
11. Your captors are the worst monsters of all - adventurers! They steal your gear, then take you as 'hirelings' who will be expected to walk first into every dangerous situation.
12. Your captors are organ thieves. They steal the choicest organ from each of your bodies, depending on your highest stat (STR = arm, DEX = leg, CON = kidney, liver, lung or heart, INT = brain, WIS = eyes, CHA = face). They will then bind and treat your wounds carefully. "We're not murderers, you know!"

12 Ways to Craft a Magical Artifact

1 - The shirt must be woven by women from six different nations in turn, and never may they lay eyes on one another or the power is lost.
2 - The cloak must be pieced together from the mustaches of twelve kings sent in tribute to the wearer.
3 - The sword must be forged in the fire of a dragon's breath, and cooled in his life's blood while it still pours from his body.
4 - The armour must be forged by the dwarves from metals freely given to them by the elves.
5 - The helm must be made by those who trust the wearer with their lives; should he lose their trust, the magic will fail, but should they die trusting then the power will remain eternally.
6 - The spear must be made by those it was designed to slay; and those who make it must die by it before it can be wielded.
7 - The gem must be swallowed by an owlbear and then cut from its stomach.
8 - The dark idol must be made by one who has faith in god, but to complete the process, the faith must be broken utterly.
9 - The shield must be hung in the sky above the highest mountains and held there for three days.
10 - The sword must be dissolved in the lava pits of Phoenix Mountain, and like the phoenix, it will rise anew when the volcano erupts.
11 - The dagger must not see the light of sun nor flame while it is being forged.
12 - The scroll must be written by an illiterate under the guidance of a blind man.

The first two entries are from Arrow-Odd, although the mustache cloak in that saga doesn't appear to have any magical properties, it's just to show everyone how awesome you are. Interestingly, Arrow-Odd's magic arrows gain their properties simply by virtue of having been made by dwarves. Sometimes I feel a bit sad about how dwarves and elves have gone from being rare and inscrutable spirits to basically humans with pointy ears or short legs.

What's Been Happening Lately Table

For if your sandbox world starts to feel too static, a table of random events to amaze and confound your players. I'm not sure if this is really a problem that anyone needs solving, but it could be fun. You could roll on the table at regular intervals, or even do it whenever the PCs return to civilisation. Most of these are designed not to be adventure hooks so much as interesting details in the background.

What’s Been Happening Lately? (d30)

The word certain indicates a random method of selection.

1 – War breaks out between a certain two neighbouring states. Roll again to determine the cause of the war:

1 – Holy crusade after an ecumenical council was ruined by an event involving a drunken abbot, a reliquary, and a stream of piss.

2 – Border zone that nobody wanted suddenly becomes valuable after the discovery of numerous jewelled beetles breeding there.

3 – Auguries said it would be a good idea.

4 – Escalating series of diplomatic incidents which began with a case of cross-border pig-snatching.

5 – The two states hold an ancient grudge ever since their war in ancient times. Roll again to find out what the war was about last time. And yes, you can get this result again.

6 – The army just needs to plunder something or they’re going to get antsy.

2 – One settlement suffers an outbreak of Creeping Pustules. The entire area is quarantined for 1-4 months while the disease runs its course. Those foolish enough to enter the town during this time are at least 25% likely to die a truly awful death.

3 – 1-4 adjacent hexes are discovered to be concealing a rich vein of gold. Prospectors arrive immediately and begin digging. The actual mining operation is far too boring for adventurers to involve themselves with, but the defence and/or robbery of the mines is an acceptable pastime.

4 – The leader of a certain state dies, retires, is deposed, or otherwise passes on his or her power, as per the political customs of the state in question. The people agree that the new leader is 1) worse than the old one 2) better than the old one or 3) much the same.

5 – Fire-breathing horse gets into the grain silo at one settlement, resulting in a food shortage. All food prices are doubled for 2-5 months. Meanwhile the horse is put on trial for its heinous crime.

6 – Sudden craze of hats in a certain settlement. All hats triple in value overnight. News of this spreads outwards, so that within a month or so the prices will have increased in other settlements as well due to merchants buying up hat stocks. The craze ends after 2-12 months.

7 – Violent coup takes place in a certain settlement. The old leader is overthrown by force of arms. The new ruler is 1) a gibbering madman 2) a starry-eyed revolutionary 3) a greedy opportunist 4) plotting something atrocious.

8 – A delicious new confection, the Jellied Cream Worm, becomes popular in one settlement. Over the course of a year it will spread to other settlements due to its mouth-watering flavour.

9 – One settlement becomes overpopulated by dogs. Various breeds of dog, nobody knows how they got there.

10 – A dragon arrives from distant lands and makes its lair in a certain hex. From there, it terrorizes anyone it can find within 30 miles, demanding a tribute of gold-plated skulls.

11 – An ancient relic is discovered in a vault or an attic of a certain settlement. Roll on the Artifacts table in the Dungeon Master’s Guide 1^st Edition for what it is. The owner of the artifact puts it on display in the settlement, though it will be heavily guarded and sealed away again after 2-4 months.

12 – A brave warrior sets out into a certain wilderness hex and builds his stronghold there. Wandering monsters are no longer a problem in this area, but the knight demands tribute to those who pass through his lands.

13 – A new road is established from a certain settlement to the nearest other settlement. This road is tended by lamplighters and is relatively free of monstrous incursion. Well, it’s more pleasant that the wilderness, at any rate.

14 – A villager blasphemes against the river god or the storm god. As punishment, the river or the ocean floods. 3-12 adjacent hexes are affected by the flood. The waters rise around five feet above the ground. After 1-4 months, the waters subside.

15 – A shooting star at a festival makes for a romantic evening in a certain settlement. Nine months later, the settlement is overrun with babies. With more mouths to feed, all families in the area become more willing to send off likely lads to become hirelings to disreputable adventurers.

16 – Citizens of one settlement have the ill fortune to have offended a powerful witch. Their curse is as follows:

                1 – Finger of right hand stuck fast in left nostril

                2 – Lumpy thighs and ankles

                3 – Cannot open any doors in the settlement from dusk till dawn

4 – Cannot recognise faces; they begin to identify themselves by arrangements of colourful flowers pinned to their breasts

5 – Obsession with ever more exaggerated forms of politeness

6 – When they are cut, coins spill out instead of blood

17 – Head of a certain state proclaims that a new currency shall be minted, bearing his regal face on its coinage. All savings in the old currency must be cashed in within 6 months or deemed worthless.

18 – Boiling storm clouds move in over 2-8 hexes and sit there. All day long for a month it rains. Inhabitants are gloomy and irritable at the end of it.

19 – Immigrants from somewhere off the map arrive cold and hungry at a certain settlement. They bring with them woven baskets, strange dances, unknown crafts of glazed pottery. They increase the settlement’s population by 20%, but are forced to live in slums on the edge of town.

20 – Crude printing press set up in a certain settlement. Immediately put to use printing holy books, radical pamphlets, erotic literature and penny dreadfuls. Fad dies down within 6 months after populace realizes that the concept clearly has no future. All printed materials are thrown away or used as cheap wallpaper.

21 – A certain mountain turns out to be a dormant volcano. It erupts. A third of the residents of the hex are killed, the rest manage to flee. Thereafter, the landscape is somewhat changed and there are more fire-type monsters roaming there.

22 – A certain monster tribe (orcs, kobolds, etc.) attacks the nearest settlement and carries off a fair amount of treasure. If the PCs have banked their loot at this settlement, there is a 50% chance for each player that their savings have been stolen.

23 – A certain monster tribe is blessed to have a young savant amongst them. He invents irrigation and they become peaceful agriculturalists from now on.

24 – A sleepy baker accidentally causes a great fire that rages out of control through a certain settlement. Most of the residents survive, but 40% of all wooden structures in the settlement are destroyed.

25 – A band of upstart adventurers raid a dungeon and acquire some treasure from it. They then go to the nearest settlement to spend their gold and boast of their exploits.

26 – A fierce (but perfectly natural) tornado sweeps through 2-8 hexes in a roughly straight line. Anything in its path is torn up or flattened. Loose objects are picked up by the tornado and deposited at the end of its path.

27 – Grand funeral of a dearly beloved public figure. Seven days of mourning, followed by the entire settlement turning out for the funeral procession, during which time their houses are unguarded.

28 – Enormous heist pulled off by daring criminals; valuables stolen from the wealthiest building in the settlement. The thieves go to ground for 2-5 months. A substantial bounty is offered for their capture.

29 – Witch trials commence after a local woman is caught dyeing a pig blue. Numerous women dunked in ponds, hung upside-down from trees, thrown over bales of hay, etc. Magic-users, especially females, may arouse suspicion or animosity in the settlement, but the mania dies down after 1-6 months.

30 – Interesting times. Roll three times more on this table.