Using Magic: The Gathering creatures as wandering monsters

So wow I have a shitload of dusty old magic cards in this cardboard box. (note: thanks to this blog post for reminding me.) I don't even want to calculate how much money I spent on these when I was 13 years old. Hopefully I can put them to a new use for D&D. Here is a system for using the creature cards to generate interesting wandering monsters on the fly.

Instead of having a wandering monster table, just have a deck of creature cards. You could hand-select them for a particular area, but I think it would be more fun just to shuffle them all together and see what comes up. Or you could have a regular wandering monster table but one entry in the table says “1d6 Magic cards”. Or you could divide them by colour and draw them for different situations:

neutral wilderness monster = draw green creature

neutral dungeon monster = draw red creature

bad guy's minions = draw black creature

johnny law = draw white creature

wizard's summons or extraplanar weirdness = draw blue creature

robots = draw artifact creature

Remember that 99% of creature cards in MTG only represent one creature. So you can create groups of enemies by drawing, say, three cards and having 2d6 of the lowest cost creature, 1d4 of the middle cost, and 1 of the highest cost as a leader. Or any other combination you can think of. But if the card does happen to represent multiple creatures, it is that many creatures based on the artwork. e.g. if the picture shows 3 goblins and you rolled 5, then there are 15 goblins total.

If you have time you could even divide the cards by cost as well as colour, then you could pick out exactly what power level you like. Then you could have a wandering monster table that just says like “2d6 1-mana creatures” or “1d4 5-mana green creatures”.

attack bonus = creature's power
AC = base AC of your game +/- creature's toughness
hit dice = creature's mana cost
BUT if it looks like some weedy ass wizard dude who costs a lot of mana for his special abilities, then his hit dice are d4s. If it is a creature whose mana cost has obviously been reduced because it has other drawbacks, then its hit dice are d10s.

Damage:
Blue: 1d4
White: 1d6
Black: 1d8
Red: 1d10
Green: 1d10 unless a hippy elf, in which case 1d6
If power is 5 or more, double damage dice. If power is 8 or more, triple damage dice.

As a general rule, you can usually guess what the card is meant to represent based on the picture, name and flavour text. Everything else is just the particular mechanical expression of the concept. For many abilities you will have to interpret them somewhat. Some MTG cards are very flavourful and you can easily work out what they're supposed to be doing, other times they are very vague; in the latter case just take it as an opportunity to improvise, or ignore the mechanic entirely.

A 'tap' ability can be used as a standard action.

A 'mana cost' ability can only be used once every X rounds, where X is the mana cost.

A 'life cost' ability drains the equivalent number of HP from the creature.

'deal X damage' = deal Xd6 damage

'+1/+1 counter' = 1d6 temp HP

'-1/-1 counter' = 1d6 permanent stat damage (choose stat based on relevance, if unsure either STR or CON)

any ability that generates mana = can send mana to allies to pay for their activated abilities (don't worry about colour of mana), or heal 1d4 hp per point of mana.

'tap target creature' = paralyze/stun for 1 round

'put into your hand' = whatever was put into your hand will show up within 1d6 rounds

'return to hand' = paralyze/stun for 1d6 rounds, or teleport target a short distance away

'draw a card' = draw a non-creature card, that is the spell that the creature can cast; or just give it a random D&D spell appropriate to its level

'discard a card from your hand' = save vs. spell or be driven insane

'destroy target artifact' = better make this 'destroy mundane object' because there are a shitload of cards like this and if you use them as-written then your players will soon have no magic item
'can't block' = -4 AC.

Flying = flying, duh

Trample = on a successful attack, the victim must make a CON check or be knocked prone and trampled over, potentially opening up the squishies to attack

First Strike = +25% initiative (+5 on a d20, +2 on a d6...)

Fear/Intimidate = henchmen must make a morale check when first facing the monster

Haste = double regular move speed, always charges for +2 attack

Morph = 3 in 6 chance of surprise

Ninjutsu = draw another creature, this is what the ninja is disguised as

Deathtouch = turn to stone as medusa (but check the artwork and flavour text for details)

Indestructible = can't be damaged except by very powerful magic (9^th level spells, +5 weapons)

Regeneration = regenerates as troll. Mana cost is the number of rounds it takes to come back to life.

Phasing = can turn ethereal, making it unable to attack or be attacked

Phantom = can't be hit except by magic and magic weapons

Doublestrike = attacks twice

Landwalk = gets +2 AC and attack when in its favoured element. Will hide in this element and try to drag enemies in to fight on its own terms. Islandwalk = water; Mountainwalk = very rugged terrain (can climb sheer cliffs); Plainswalk = tall grass; Forestwalk = thick undergrowth OR treetops; Swampwalk = swamp water/mud

Bushido = gains that bonus to attack and AC in melee only

Double-sided card = can shift between forms as a standard action

flip card = If it survives this encounter with the PCs, it will reappear later as the named NPC

Threshold = can trigger its ability by scrounging off/eating a corpse

Kicker = when appearing in a group, the leader will have the kicker ability

Hexproof/Shroud = immune to magic

Vigilance = can make opportunity attacks, or if opportunity attacks already exist in your system, gets a +2 bonus to them

Annihilator = each round, that many enemies must make a save vs. death or be fuckin' annihilated

Shadow = can't attack normal creatures and can't be attacked. Just does its own little thing in its own shadow dimension. Might still be an enemy if it's trying to steal your treasure or something.

Fading/Vanishing = only appears for that many rounds before disappearing or melting or something

(christ, there are a lot of keyword abilities... the rest you can figure out for yourself)

Lastly (this is a note to myself as much as to anyone else) remember that the best thing about a monster is always the story behind it. And Magic cards have a buttload of story packed into them just through the name, artwork and maybe flavour text. (I'm not talking about the actual MTG lore.)

even unglued cards work ok!

Using other MTG cards

You can also use other MTG cards to generate things. You could draw a hand of 7 cards to generate a wizard – instants and sorceries are his spells, creatures are his minions, artifacts are his magic items and enchantments are what he's placed upon himself or his creatures. But non-creature cards are generally too different from D&D material to be converted directly, you would have to just use them as vague inspiration.

Another thing you could do is draw land cards to give a backdrop to a scene. Some land artwork is really cool and just holding up the card and saying “this is where you are” could add a bit of detail and interest to the scene. Or you could shuffle all your land cards together and draw them to generate hexcrawl (cardcrawl?) terrain. Would work best if you had a fair amount of non-basic lands and an idea of what each one represents.

But I don't want to go into it much further because, apart from the creatures, I don't think there's much I can tell you besides "Use them as inspiration, dummy!"

Five Ghouls

1.

Ghouls are people who have given up their mortality through the consumption of human flesh. While occasional cannibals are merely degraded in their soul, those who eat their kin constantly will be transformed bodily as well. They take on a grave-like pallor, grow long limbs and lose their hair. Such twisted creatures do not age, but they pay the price of being unable to stomach any food besides human flesh. 

Some who fear death will deliberately make ghouls of themselves to live longer, although ironically most ghouls die fairly quickly because it is so difficult to keep up a steady source of human meat. Those  few who find a way to feed regularly may live for centuries.

Ghouls do not lose any intelligence or speech when they are transformed, but they rarely have much to say to humans.

2.

Ghuls are a race that have lived alongside humanity for as long as history has been recorded. They have long brown limbs, doglike snouts and leathery flapping tongues. They dwell mostly in the desert or other secluded places. Ghuls usually live in a single house with a single family, multiple generations living together. 

By all accounts ghuls are kind and loving to one another, and in most respects are neither evil nor aggressive. The one exception is that they have a taste for human flesh, and are psychologically incapable of feeling any sympathy for humans or recognising them as sentient beings.

3.

Ghouls are stunted creatures, about 3 feet tall, that dwell in graveyards. They make their nests in mausoleums and burrow into the graves of the recently dead to devour the rotting corpses. They are not often aggressive toward living humans, though they can be difficult to eradicate once they take hold in an area.

There is a distant land where it is considered ill luck to leave corpses buried in the ground, perhaps because of a plague of undead in the distant past. The people of this land keep a colony of ghouls in each graveyard and even venerate the creatures. Some travellers come from this place, posing as tinkers or circus performers, and bring with them a secret collection of ghouls that they distribute to each community that they visit. From their point of view, they are bringing good luck to the uncivilised citizens of a foreign country.

4.

Ghuls are demonic desert-dwelling spirits, each one a descendant of the great fire-demon Iblis. Eternal tricksters, they possess the ability to mimic the appearance of any animal, and to mimic the appearance of a particular person or creature if they have devoured that person's corpse. Their powers grow in proportion to the isolation of the location. A ghul in the pathless desert is fearsome to behold, but even a simple road is enough to weaken the ghul considerably. In a town or city, a ghul is reduced to a miserable trembling creature that is easily caged. To counteract these weaknesses, ghuls will use their powers of illusion to lure travellers away from the road and into uncharted lands.

Some ghuls are captured by wayfarers and trapped in the heart of a large city, where they are displayed for the edification of sultans and commoners alike. Each of these captives is considered a grave insult by the ghuls. Legend tells of a sultan who grew too greedy and kept too many ghuls captive in his marvellous zoo. As a result, a great fiery dust storm destroyed his city and his people were scattered across endless wastes.

5.

Ghouls are creatures of dreams that hail from the vicinity of the evil star Algol. There they dwell in astral darkness, far from any planet or moon, frozen and sleeping. They can only escape this place when a deranged dreamer looks up at Algol while they are dreaming, and thereafter a ghoul will enter the person's dreams. 

Ghouls can leap from one dreamer to another by links of sympathetic association, and they do so in order to find an easy victim. When the victim's dreams are utterly overtaken by the ghoul, it will devour their soul and then emerge from their nose to feast on their body as well. Other than this, ghouls are loath to come into the physical realm unless they are chased out by an experienced dreamer.

None can say what happens to a ghoul after it devours its host. However, a few witnesses claim to have seen the ghoul vanishing into the sky, perhaps to sleep in astral darkness somewhere in the vicinity of our own sun.

Seven Skeletons

 

1.

Skeletons are the emissaries of Death in the land of the living. No mortal soul knows how to raise them, much less control them. Their only purpose is to kill. They move quickly and precisely, doing only as much as is needed to bring death. They show no emotions and no desires; if there is any connection between the raised skeleton and the living being they once were, then it is not evident.

Why does Death hate us so? Why does he wish to hasten our entry into his kingdom?

None can say. The skeletons themselves are silent on the matter.

2.

Skeletons dance in the graveyard at midnight. They light bonfires, scare the local wildlife and play pranks on each other. Those who have observed them from hiding will affirm that they seem to enjoy being dead, perhaps even more than the living enjoy life.

When skeletons encounter living humans, they will beckon invitingly, but if this invitation is not accepted they will take up arms and attack. To the skeletons, even mortal violence is apparently a funny game. Those killed by skeletons will rise on the next night as skeletons themselves, and quickly escape to join the frivolity of their kin.

Yet there are tales of some skeletons who come back - of a dead soldier who systematically slaughtered his former comrades, or of a housewife who returned to claim her husband and children. The ones whom the skeletons focus on are always those they loved best in life, which has brought the sages to an unsettling conclusion: perhaps the skeletons bear us no ill will, but only want to show us what we're missing.

3.

It is said that ghosts are those spirits who failed to complete a task in life and cannot rest until it is finished. By contrast, skeletons are those who betrayed their oaths and shirked their tasks in life, and in death are held to account for it by powers outside mortal comprehension.

Traitors in battle are perhaps the most common skeletons. Having spurned their companions in the hour of greatest need, they are cursed from life into death. Their skeletons return to the site of the battle and wander about, chopping angrily at unseen foes. The battle is many years in the past, so their oaths can never be fulfilled. They will usually take anyone who crosses their path to be an enemy, but it is rumoured that if one adopts the same livery as their long-dead allies, the skeletons may prove friendly.

Other times one may see a paladin, charged with a great work by their god, fall into error and rise as a skeleton. These loathsome wretches wander the world in their rusted armour, performing the charged deed over and over again in every context they can find. It makes no difference - their god has already turned from them, and so the quest can never be completed.

Perhaps there are skeletons who complete their tasks and are allowed to rest in peace; but if such exist, we have not seen them.

4.

The undead are created through a noxious and incorporeal malady, which infects the recently dead and causes them to rise from their graves as flesh-eating savages that men call ghouls. The ghoul has little intelligence, but quick reflexes and an insatiable taste for human flesh. Most ghouls are eventually put down by local militia or dedicated ghoul-hunters.

Some ghouls persist, however. Although the decaying of the body is slowed somewhat by the infection, it is not halted completely. After a hundred years or more, the ghoul's flesh has entirely rotted away and only the animate skeleton is left. Thus, all skeletons are old and most are fiendishly cunning, since only the most intelligent ghouls live long enough to reach such a state. With at least a century's experience of hunting and being hunted, the skeleton is a fearsome enemy. Even the mightiest ghoul-hunters chill at the thought of being stalked by a skeleton.

The ghoul's flesh-eating urges persist, but cannot be fulfilled. One may occasionally catch sight of a skeleton 'eating' a fresh corpse only to have the flesh fall through its ribcage and be picked up again and again. The skeletons seem to know how ridiculous this looks: if they realise they are being watched while feeding they will fly into a terrible rage, and thereafter hold a special vendetta against the one who witnessed their secret shame.

5.

Sometimes you will see a skeleton creeping around at night. If it sees you watching it, then it will act embarrassed and run away. Skeletons don't like to be seen without their skins. They only come out at after dark, and when the sun rises they run back inside to their beds, where they have left their skin and flesh. They leap inside their body and go about their day as normal humans.

It is not known what skeletons do with their time, but they seem to be relatively harmless. The exception is when someone learns of their secret identity - perhaps by witnessing a skeleton crawling through a window, or finding a limp skin in a bed. To conceal this secret, the skeleton will unrelentingly hunt the one who has discovered them, in skeletal and human form.

Perhaps skeletons wish to keep their secrets because they fear being lynched by humans. Humans, in turn, lynch skeletons for fear that they will attack. It is not known which of these came first.

6.

It is said that no renovations or repairs should be done to a house while a woman inside is pregnant. Also, a pregnant woman should not look upon the work of a craftsman left unfinished. If she does, then her body may become lazy and decide to leave the baby unfinished. The bones will grow, but not the flesh or anything else. Such a condition will be apparent long before the birth, but aborting a skeleton baby is especially dangerous.

Most parents will not want to keep the skeleton baby after it is born, and the babies for their part show no affection for their mortal family. Instead they roam the roads at night, growing larger as humans do. Eventually they will come across a community of other skeletons like them, who dwell in deep forests or abandoned castles.

The skeleton folk are much like humans, but primitive and unfinished. Their desires and thoughts are simple, their communication rudimentary. Sometimes they may be seen playing music on simple instruments, or gesticulating at flowers.

However, some sages say that these unfinished creatures possess primordial knowledge that humans lack. They remember the time before the womb, and can tell many secrets if they choose. Those humans who seek such secrets will find the skeletons less than welcoming. However, the skeletons do hold a vague feeling of benevolence toward humankind in general; for if there were no more humans, there would be no more skeletons either.

7.

When Destiny has ordained that a great marvel must come to pass, it works towards this end in mysterious ways, and lays down its preparations centuries in advance. The greatest heroes ordained by Destiny are not born - they are made. And like all things, the framework must be built first.

Skeletons are the heroes of the future, who one day will clothe themselves in flesh and blood to perform mighty deeds at the behest of implacable Destiny. They may be a mighty warrior, a leader of armies or a destroyer of realms - for the ones that Destiny names 'hero' are not always virtuous and kind. 

Each hero is bound for one particular act of perfect triumph, and it is this act they are preparing for as a skeleton. In one case, the tallest tower of a keep was toppled by a skeleton three times over the course of two hundred years, after which the skeleton finally took the form of a valiant warrior and fulfilled his fate by toppling the tower a fourth time and slaying the cruel lord who dwelled within. Another story is of a skeletal bandit and his steed, who rode each full moon through Taipan Wood firing arrows at all those on the road. In time that skeleton became a real highwayman destined to murder the king.

Since Destiny has already appointed them to their positions, skeletons cannot be destroyed. If shattered, they will lie dormant for a while before resuming their preparations. It is postulated that if the skeleton was conclusively destroyed, perhaps by burning or burial beneath solid stone, then Destiny would have to create a new one from scratch. In such a case the foretold event might be postponed, but never prevented.

Death Shrew

"Here is one like the shrew-mouse of the land; but this one always lives on the ice of the sea, and whenever it sees a man it darts at him, entering the toe of his boot and crawling all over him. If the man keeps perfectly quiet, it will leave him unharmed. But if he is a coward, and lifts so much as a finger to brush it away, it instantly burrows into his flesh going directly to his heart and causing death."

- Clara Kern Bayliss, A Treasury of Eskimo Tales

DEATH SHREW

No. appearing:1d6

AC: 14 (LotFP)

Move: 60'

Hit dice: 1

Attacks: 1

Damage: death

Special: burrow into heart

The Death Shrew is a creature that was made by the creator-god Raven as a way to punish humans for their cowardice. This monster has the ability to chew through cloth and leather, and uses this ability to burrow through the boots of its victims and crawl up their body. Once the Death Shrew is on the person's body, they must stand very still and not show any fear of the creature as it crawls all over them. If they move at all, the Death Shrew will burrow through their flesh into their heart. A successful saving throw (DEX or vs. death) will allow the character to pull the Death Shrew out before it reaches the heart, instead only taking 1d4 damage. However if the saving throw is failed the character will be killed instantly.

It is strange that although the Death Shrew was made to test one's bravery, it is knowledge and forewarning that is more likely to save the victim. Some say that Raven was mad when he made this and other monsters, for they do not do as he intended. Others claim that there are two Ravens, and the one who created these and other monsters is not the same as the one who created Man.

Grasstop Lurker

On the way they came to a dry lake bed in which tall grass was growing very thickly, and lying on the very tips of the grass was a large animal, yet the grass did not bend with the weight. It was a strange-looking animal with a long head and six legs, the two hind ones unusually large; the forelegs short; and a small pair under its belly. The hair around the feet was very long, but all over the body there was fine, thick hair. From the back of the head grew short, thick horns which extended forward and curved back at the tips. The animal had small eyes, and was of darkish color, almost black.
"These animals can sink right into the ground and disappear," said Raven. "When the people want to kill one of them, they have to put a log under it so it cannot sink. It takes many people to kill one, for when the animal falls on the lower log, other logs must be placed above it and held down, while two men take large clubs and beat it between the eyes till it is dead."

- Clara Kern Bayliss, A Treasury of Eskimo Tales

GRASSTOP LURKER

No. appearing:1d4

AC: 16 (LotFP)

Move: 80'

Hit dice: 3

Attacks: 3

Damage: 1d6/1d6 (claws) 1d8 (bite)

Special: balance, intangibility

 

The Grasstop Lurker is a monster found in the sky lands above the world, which are also inhabited by celestial dwarves and raven people. The Lurker is sometimes aggressive toward the sky people, but will always attack travelers from the world below. It is usually found lying on top of tall grass or sliding very slowly across the grass. 

 

The Lurker has an uncanny ability to balance on thin strips, points, unstable surfaces, etc., without putting any pressure or weight upon the surface. It usually uses this ability to remain atop the grass that is its hunting ground.

 

The Lurker also has the ability to become intangible at will and then to sink into the ground. In this state the Lurker can pass through anything except for wood. If it has grabbed an enemy, they will become intangible as well and it may carry them down beneath the earth to devour them at leisure.

The Lurker's preferred tactics are to ambush its victims, grab them and carry them underground, using its intangibility to escape retaliation. If pursuing a group of lowlanders, it will pick them off one at a time. However, one of this monster's weaknesses is its laziness - when it is not actively engaged in hunting, it can usually be found drowsing atop the grass, at which time it is vulnerable.

Dogtooth Reindeer

There are reindeer which came from the sky and which have teeth like dogs. They were once common and anyone could see them, but now only the priests can see them. They live on the plains, and have a large hole through the body back of the shoulders. If the people, who can see them, mistake them for common reindeer and shoot at them, the arrow falls harmless, for no ordinary weapon can kill them.

- Clara Kern Bayliss, A Treasury of Eskimo Tales

DOGTOOTH REINDEER

No. appearing:2d4

AC: 15 (LotFP)

Move: 120'

Hit dice: 4

Attacks: 1

Damage: 1d8 (bite) or 1d6 (horns)

Special: hit only by +1 or better weapons

Resembles an ordinary reindeer upon casual inspection. Only when you get close can you see the teeth. Extremely aggressive if attacked, even by nonmagical weapons which cannot harm it. Will pursue enemies and devour their corpses.

Kalopaling

KALOPALING

No. appearing: 1

AC: 18 (LotFP)

Move: 30', 120' swimming

Hit dice: 3

Attacks: 1

Damage: 1d8

Special: stuff into hood, death throes

Kalopaling is an ancient creature that dwells beneath the surface of the ice. He swims like a seal but looks like a human, except for his feet which are very large and unwieldy. He wears clothing made from black-and-white duck skins.

Kalopaling has a huge hood on his back. After he has grabbed a victim, he will stuff them into his hood where they will vanish forever if they are adults, or become his captives if they are children. The captives of Kalopaling live underwater with him and never grow old. They sometimes come up to breathe, but never want to be parted from Kalopaling or returned to their family. They have a seaweed rope tied around them for Kalopaling to pull them back in.

If a parent ever wishes for their child to be taken away from them, Kalopaling can come to claim the child. While claiming a child he can move very quickly even over land.

A harpoon made of walrus bone will slay Kalopaling instantly if it pierces him. The death throes of Kalopaling are so terrible to behold that no-one has ever described them. Those who see the death throes are cursed to die within one week. The flesh of Kalopaling is poisonous.

Kalopaling's preferred tactics are to attack small boats or people walking on thin ice. He will not leave the water if he can help it, except to claim a child or to sleep. Kalopaling has a small and secret island where he sleeps, but its location is unknown.

Source: Clara Kern Bayliss, A Treasury of Eskimo Tales.

Ku Klux Klansmen

Through the diligent efforts of posters on RPG.net, it has recently been discovered that killing orcs in D&D is racist. Fortunately, I have created a new evil humanoid race that nobody will ever have to feel guilty about killing: the Ku Klux Klan.

KLANSMAN

No. appearing: 20-200

AC: 15 (LotFP)

Move: 120'

Hit dice: 1

Attacks: 1

Damage: 1d6 or by weapon

Special: spellcasting (Kludds only)

Alignment: ALWAYS LAWFUL EVIL

Ku Klux Klansmen are mysterious humanoids who cover themselves in white robes with pointed hats. They are fiercely xenophobic and hate any intelligent creatures besides their own race. The robes are worn to prevent anyone knowing what they look like, for fear that they will be infiltrated by doppelgangers. When they die, their bodies shrivel up and turn to dust, preserving the secret of their appearance.

The racial hatred of the Klansmen is such that they will fight against ogres, giants, goblins, demons and anything else that is not them. Some particularly dedicated Klansmen even extend this hatred to unintelligent animals, and can often be found wandering the forest in a fury, shooting at squirrels and stamping on ladybugs. Other Klansmen are more lax on this point and are willing to ride horses provided that the horses have their own Klan robes.

Ku Klux Klansmen have a byzantine social order including dozens of different titles, most of them irrelevant. A den of Klansmen is called a Klavern, while the keeper of the den's treasure is known as the Klabee. 1 in 20 Klansmen is likely to be a Kludd, an evil Cleric of 1st-4th level, who follows a holy book of asemic writing known as the Kloran. The Kludds preside over obscure religious rituals involving burning crucifixes, known as Klonvokations. It is rumoured that all Klansmen are united in a league they call the Invisible Empire, which is presided over by their dark lord the Imperial Wizard. There is also supposedly an insane judiciary body called the Grand Council of Yahoos, which metes out bizarre justice within the Klan itself.

Klansman language is unusual in that it is similar to Common except that it consists entirely of acronyms. For example, the word SANBOG stands for "Strangers Are Near; Be On Guard". However, humans attempting to impersonate the Klan language will miss the crucial nuances which distinguish the former from an entirely different sentence (i.e. "Sorry, A Naga's Boiling Our Guts").

Concerning Elementals

Zak says that elementals aren't scary, because the elements themselves aren't (inherently) scary. But the elements in certain configurations (bushfire, tidal wave, etc.) are scary. It's not a coincidence that the old Monster Manual illustration of the water elemental looks like a wave and the air elemental is a tornado. But that doesn't really work because a small tornado with a face is pretty dorky. Sometimes little dust devils like that blow up in my back yard, and I just stand and watch them.

Paracelsus says that the four elementals are gnomes, nymphs, sylphs and salamanders. All things that have their own identity in D&D that's not the same as an elemental.

Elements aren't just not scary, they're friendly. You can't live without being able to breathe, drink, grow crops and warm yourself by the fire. But a friendly thing that turns against you could be even scarier.

Elementals in classical mythology are nature spirits. But at some point in the genealogy of fantasy, the fae/animist nature spirits got separated from the elementals. Gygax's elementals are, of course, explicitly non-natural, because they hail from another plane.

Possibly this is one of the reasons why some people hate the idea of the four elemental planes. Fire is important because it can burn you, it can warm you, it can cook your food, and other things about how it interacts with people and the world. But fire on its own, in a plane consisting of nothing but fire, is pretty pointless. To paraphrase Syndrome from The Incredibles: When everything's on fire, nothing will be.

Here we present a new elemental.

ELEMENTAL
Frequency: Common (but secretive)
No. appearing: 2d20
Armor Class: 14
Move: 120'
Hit dice: 1
Attacks: 1
Damage: 1d6
Special: control elements, vanish into element, grant blessing
Treasure: Nil

Elementals are small and furtive creatures, generally around 8 inches in height. Their appearance varies by type (see below). They are nature spirits tied to one of the four classical elements. Though they are found commonly wherever their element resides, they are very secretive and will generally avoid contact with humans. They are intelligent but do not speak any language, though they can empathically understand very broad ideas or emotions.

If approached or threatened, elementals will typically retreat inside their element. While thus vanished into the element, they are invisible and can only be damaged by destroying the entire element (i.e. boiling the water, snuffing the flame, etc.). Also while vanished, they may teleport up to 1 mile into another instance of the same element. This makes them exceedingly difficult to catch, though certain charms and seals can block their teleportation.

Elementals can control their element. Though an individual can only affect a small amount, they often combine their powers in large numbers. A group of 30+ elementals can cause a tidal wave, a flood, a forest fire, an earthquake or a tornado. They will sometimes do this because a human has been cruel to them, and sometimes they will do it for no reason at all.

When someone has lived in the same place for a long while, and they are good-hearted, they may develop a friendship with the local elementals, though they will rarely actually see the creatures. Such people often know that it is possible to gain the blessing of an elemental by making a certain offering - the specifics vary by type. The elementals are shy and capricious, and do not seem to appreciate being used repeatedly in this fashion.

Contrary to popular wisdom, water and fire elementals do not hate each other, nor earth and air. Indeed, the two 'opposing' groups are occasionally seen moving together in large swarms, enacting what appears to be a mating ritual - though none can say what the offspring of such a union would be.

Air Elemental:

 Floats slowly or stands still on high branches for hours at a time. Seems very observant. Causes tornadoes, gales or blizzards.
Blessing: The next time you are trapped, entangled or otherwise unable to move, you will unexpectedly become free.
Offering: Powdered musk worth 400gp, scattered on the wind from a hilltop.

 Earth Elemental:

 

Carries small objects around for seemingly no purpose. Always working at accomplishing nothing in particular. Causes earthquakes and famines.
Blessing: For the next week, any experience points you gain are doubled.
Offering: Two gemstones worth 600gp each, buried at opposite ends of a field.


Fire Elemental:

 appearing at around 2:14

Fast-moving and flighty. Somewhat more changeable and quick-willed than the other types, occasionally given to surprising pranks. Causes house fires and bushfires.
Blessing: For the next week, wherever you make your home will be safe against danger while you are resting.
Offering: Sulphur and nitre worth 250gp, burned in a bowl at dusk.

Water Elemental

 

 Numerous and uncanny. Appears in groups much more often than the others, and tends to move as a single rippling body. Causes floods, tidal waves and rainstorms.

Blessing: The next time you are brought below 0hp but not killed, within 1d4 rounds you will awaken and return to 1hp.

Offering: Expensive wine, four bottles worth 200gp each, poured into a rockpool at low tide.

AD&D Monsters As Interpreted By The Illiterate

Imagine you're a little kid who can't read. One day you happen upon your older brother's AD&D MONSTER MANUAL. How scary! How exciting! What do you think about the monsters when the only information you have is the pictures?

 

 Goblins are sad and mysterious creatures possessed by an evil force. They don't like to fight, in fact they are cowards and prefer to always run away. But something compels them to charge into battle anyway! They scream in fear when they run at you. Sometimes they apologise.

 

 Nalfeshnee is your best friend. He's like a big fluffy gorilla guy with wings who helps you out. He knows about dangers and warns you not to go into bad places. But he's such a scaredy-cat that you shouldn't listen to him all the time or you'll never have any fun.

 

Bone is a skeleton scorpion man who goes around stealing things. If you catch him and shine a light on him, he will freeze and pretend to be a statue.

 

Storm giants play baseball with lightning bolts. When they're running to catch the ball they won't notice anyone in their path and they might trample on you. And if you want to get into their kingdom you have to beat them at baseball which is really hard.

 

Wererats are the coolest and laziest of monsters. They move around very slowly and don't do much except eat and sleep. Even if you attack them, they won't bother to get up until right before you're going to strike.

Mind flayers can shoot lightning bolts at you that give you the jitters. But they are even more afraid of you than you are of them. Once you are stunned by the jitters, the mind flayer will run away and hide behind a secret door.

Sahuagin are very strong fighters. They live on the beach and train their bodies by swimming every day. They are such good fighters that they can use arrows without needing a bow, they just throw the arrow at you and it goes right through.

 The catoblepas is a gross and annoying monster. It has an extensible neck so it can come right up close to you and tell a really bad joke. If you don't laugh, then it will keep telling jokes, and if you still don't laugh it will get angry and attack. Also its mouth drips black spit that will soak into anything and poison it.

 

Stirges are monsters born from old men who told too many lies. Their noses grew longer with each lie, and when it was too long they were transformed into wrinkly bats.

 Iron Golems are scientists. They won't hurt you, but they will pick you up and carry you back to their laboratory for experiments. No matter how they try, they can never understand how humans work.

 

Sprites are also known as 'Commander of the Flowers'. A sprite can order the flowers to get up, walk around and fight for him. But sometimes the flowers are disobedient, which is why he has to tell them off. If you attack him while he's doing this, you can start a flower revolution.

Other Ones I Couldn't Find Pictures Of On The Net But C'Mon I Bet You Have A Copy Of This Book At Home:

- Titans are very powerful but they're blind and almost deaf, so you can sneak up close to them and they won't notice.

- Skeletons are very dangerous but they have one weakness - if they meet another skeleton whom they knew in life, they have to stop what they're doing and wave hello to him. That's when you should strike.

- Giant octopuses are always crying. This is because they are secretly princesses who got cursed by a witch.

- Leprechauns ride on the backs of giant leeches.

- Flesh Golem just wants to be friends. He comes up behind you and slaps you on the back as a joke. Unfortunately he is so strong that it might break your spine or kill you.

- Ettins always walk on their tiptoes, which makes them very quiet. However they're also vulnerable to falling over if you can chop off their toes. They have a very good sense of smell and they are always sniffing their clubs to smell what they've been hitting. Once they get your smell on their club they can track you for fifty days.

- Giant ants cannot climb up your legs, so they are not dangerous as long as you're wearing boots. The only time they can hurt you is if you fall over. Because of this, they will build all sorts of traps and tripwires in their dungeons to knock over the humans, and then rush out to devour them.

Dragons Are Not Born

1.

Dragons are not born; they grow from humans. When a human being is consumed by greed to the point that they wish for nothing else but to lie upon their hoard and possess it, then they will be transformed into a dragon.

Dragons hold no malice towards the human race, only fear and jealousy. When they terrorize the countryside they do so in order to strike fear into their enemies and secure the defenses of their hoard. Above all else they are afraid that a hero will come to take their gold away from them, yet this is the doom they bring upon themselves. They are compulsive; they cannot help themselves from committing violence even when they know it serves no purpose.

Some dragons are grown from dwarves, like Fafnir. Others are transformed not by their greed but their cowardice, becoming dragons after they flee into the distant wilderness. This was the fate of Val, Kott and Kisi, the princes of Gestrekaland who escaped from the wrath of Halfdan Eysteinsson. It is said that many dragons live in the far uncharted lands where men never go. Because there are no humans, they have nothing to fear, and so sleep soundly.

Dragons are pitiful creatures. They spend their time fretting, weeping, hating and counting their gold. If a single coin is lost after it has rolled under a rock, the dragon will fall into a black mood that lasts a year.

Dragons do not accumulate treasure after their transformation. They have forgotten the pleasures that gold can buy and care only for the gold itself. If anything is stolen from their hoard, however, they will pursue the thief to the ends of the earth.

There is one dragon with neither hoard nor lair; a monster called Nidhogg who gnaws at the roots of the World Tree. It is said that the world will come to an end when the tree dies. None can say who it was that became the Nidhogg, but to become such a beast he must have been guilty of the most terrible sin that the world has ever seen.

2.

The axolotl is a neotenous creature, meaning that it reaches sexual maturity without metamorphosing into its adult form, the salamander. Millions of years ago, the axolotl was only the juvenile form of the salamander, but in time evolutionary pressures meant that the species stopped undergoing metamorphosis altogether. Nevertheless, the genetic material of the salamander remained hidden inside the axolotl. Under certain unusual conditions, or when treated with hormones in the laboratory, the axolotl can still undergo metamorphosis to become a new species that is functionally extinct.

Some scientists speculate that man is also a neotenous creature. He no longer has any need of his adult form, but under certain circumstances it is still possible for him to undergo metamorphosis and become a dragon. The nature of the dragon race, and why they became extinct, remains unexplained. However, the theory is supported by recent findings that show human and dragon genomes to be identical.

Erumpent

 

No. appearing: 1-6

Armour class: 4/16

Move: 120'

Hit dice: 8

Attacks: 1d8 horn or 1d8 trample

Special attacks: Charge, Explosive Fluid

Special defenses: Magic resistance 30%

The Erumpent is a magical creature that resembles a rhinoceros but is far more deadly. Upon charging, not only will it deal double damage but it will attempt to impale the target with its horn. On a hit, the victim is injected with a dose of Exploding Fluid - save vs. poison or be blown to smithereens. The Exploding Fluid can even cause inanimate objects to detonate, and a sufficiently hard object may damage those nearby with shrapnel (20' radius, 2d6 damage, save vs. breath weapon for half).

An adult Erumpent has enough Exploding Fluid for 2-5 doses, and can regenerate that amount over the course of one day. The fluid can be harvested from the corpse and used to create explosive potions.

The Erumpent's hide is magically resistant to spells and has a 30% chance of negating any magical effect that strikes it. The eyes and mouth of the Erumpent do not possess this quality.

The Erumpent is a herbivore, but an extremely bad-tempered one, which may sometimes attack unprovoked. If more than two are encountered, there is a good chance that some will be children (4HD). The presence of children makes the parents much more likely to charge.

(from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them)

Tomb Serpent

Scarce had he finish'd, when, with speckled pride,
A serpent from the tomb began to glide;
His hugy bulk on sev'n high volumes roll'd;
Blue was his breadth of back, but streak'd with scaly gold:
Thus riding on his curls, he seem'd to pass
A rolling fire along, and singe the grass.
More various colors thro' his body run,
Than Iris when her bow imbibes the sun.
Betwixt the rising altars, and around,
The sacred monster shot along the ground;
With harmless play amidst the bowls he pass'd,
And with his lolling tongue assay'd the taste:
Thus fed with holy food, the wondrous guest
Within the hollow tomb retir'd to rest.

- Virgil, Aeneid

like this but bigger

 The Tomb Serpent resembles an enormous snake, covered in blue scales streaked with gold. When the serpent moves, it creates flames from the friction of its body against the ground. If disturbed or attacked, its thrashings can quickly build up a large blaze. As the name implies, the Tomb Serpent is usually found in the tombs of great heroes, and many believe that it is sent there by the gods to protect the heroes' legacy.

Offering holy sacrifices of food and wine outside the tomb will lure the Tomb Serpent from its lair and distract it for a short period of time. However, one must be careful to learn the religious traditions associated with the tomb; if the wrong rituals are observed, the Tomb Serpent will be thrown into a vengeful rage.

From the Classics: Serpent of Changes

Two natures thus transmuted did he sing,
Wherein both shapes were ready to assume
The other's substance. They in mutual guise
So answer'd, that the serpent split his train
Divided to a fork, and the pierc'd spirit
Drew close his steps together, legs and thighs
Compacted, that no sign of juncture soon
Was visible: the tail disparted took
The figure which the spirit lost, its skin
Soft'ning, his indurated to a rind.

...

The soul, transform'd into the brute, glides off,
Hissing along the vale, and after him
The other talking sputters; but soon turn'd
His new-grown shoulders on him, and in few
Thus to another spake: "Along this path
Crawling, as I have done, speed Buoso now!"

- Dante Aligheri, Inferno 25

 

Dante describes the damned being punished by violent snakes, who have the power to transform their victims' bodies. When the soul is bitten by the snake, he begins to turn into a snake, while the snake turns back into a man (I have omitted most of transformation sequence, which is very long and uncannily reminiscent of Animorphs).

The Serpent of Changes is a monster known for its strange poison, which causes the victim to themselves transform into such a Serpent. The only way to escape this fate is to bite someone else, passing on the affliction. Only humans can be affected by the poison, and each person only once before they become immune. For each day that the victim remains in serpent form, they lose one point of Wisdom, until when their Wisdom reaches zero they have become one with the snake and can never turn back, though they will still attempt to bite and transform others.

From the Classics: The Temple of Jomali

From Bosi and Herraud, c. 1300 AD:

'In this forest,' said the girl, 'there's a great temple belonging to King Harek, the ruler of Permia. The god worshipped there is called Jomali, and a great quantity of gold and jewels can be found there, too. The king's mother, Kolfrosta, is in charge of the temple. Her witchcraft is so powerful that nothing could ever take her by surprise. By her sorcery she's been able to predict that she won't live out the month, so she's travelled by magic east to Glasir Plains and carried of King Godmund's sister, Hleid, whom she means to take her place as the priestess of the temple.'
...
'An enormous vulture, so savage it destroys everything that comes anywhere near it. Not a living soul has a chance if the vulture's claws and venom come anywhere near him. Under this vulture lies the egg you've been sent to get. There's also a slave in the temple, who looks after the priestess's food - she eats a two-year-old heifer at every meal. And there's an enchanted demonic bull in the temple, shackled with iron chains. The bull's supposed to mount the heifer, poisoning her flesh, and then all who taste it go crazy. The heifer is to be cooked for Hleid, and then she'll turn into a monster like the priestess.'
...
Herraud gripped the bull by the ears and the jaw, and gave the neck such a violent twist that it broke... The vulture set its claws hard against the slave's buttocks and struck the tips of its wings against Bosi's ears... The fight took them to the spot where Bosi was lying, the floor around him soaked with blood. The priestess slipped in the vulture's blood and fell flat on her back... then Bosi got hold of the bull's head and hit the old hag hard on the nose with it. Herraud tore one of her arms off at the shoulder, and after that her spirit began to weaken. Even so, her final death throes caused an earthquake.
...
In the vulture's nest they found the egg, covered in letters of gold. They found so much gold there they had more than enough to carry. Then they came to the altar where Jomali was sitting, and from him they took a gold crown set with twelve precious stones, and a necklace worth three hundred gold marks; and from his knees they took a silver cup filled with red gold and so big that four men couldn't drink it dry.
...
In the temple they found a secret side-room with a stone door, securely locked. It took them a whole day to break it open and get inside. There they saw a woman sitting on a chair - never had they seen such a beautiful woman! Her hair was tied to the chair-posts, and was as fair as polished straw or threads of gold.



And there you have it; a complete D&D adventure site, courtesy of 14th century Scandinavians. The bold text I have added to highlight important points for the Dungeon Master.

I really can't get over the fact that the author specifies the gold piece value of the necklace.

Dhinnabarrada

Another type of monster to be found in Batmania. The Dhinnabarrada appear to be humans with the legs of emus. They live in secluded areas of the desert where very few other creatures can survive. Most Dhinnabarrada subsist entirely on witchety grubs. If they touch the feet of a human, he/she will be transformed into a Dhinnabarrada like them. Although they are not violently aggressive, they take great joy in converting more people to their race, and thus the Kulin and other native peoples consider them enemies. One weakness of the Dhinnabarrada is their obsession with prey animals, which they rarely get a chance to eat. An adventurer passing through the lands of the Dhinnabarrada should carry a live bandicoot, which can be released to distract the Dhinnabarrada if they attack.

(Yes, this is a real thing from Aboriginal mythology.)

From the Classics: Lapplings

There was a man named Grim, nicknamed Hairy-Cheek because he was born with a certain peculiarity, and this is how it happened: When Grim's father, Ketil Trout, went to bed with Hrafnhild Bruni's-Daughter, her father Bruni spread a hide over them because he'd invited a number of Lapps in. During the night Hrafnhild happened to look out from under the hide and caught a glimpse of one of the Lapps who was hairy all over. That was how Grim got this mark: for people think he was conceived at that very moment.

- Arrow-Odd, (Anon. 13th century AD)

OK, so I know that Lapps are really just people from northern Scandinavia, but let's D&D this up a bit. Lapplings are small hairy fae creatures, related to brownies, but more suited to colder climates. They can craft finely detailed objects with their tiny hands, and for this reason men will sometimes welcome them as trade partners. However, it is well known that lapplings are mischievous and should not be allowed to stay in a human camp or town for too long.

The strangest property of the lapplings is this: that if any woman looks upon a lappling at the moment she is conceiving a child, then that child will be born with thick hair growing somewhere unusual on his body. Powerful lappling chiefs may produce children with hair all over. The lapplings do not gain any real benefit from this, but they find it so amusing that they are always trying to sneak into bedrooms at the opportune moment.

There are several things you could do with lapplings. The PCs could be hired to get rid of a lappling infestation, or the patch of hair could be a distinguishing feature of an NPC. What I would really like to do, though, is wait until one of my PCs is having sex (admittedly this doesn't come up very often in the course of normal D&D play) and then have a lappling creep up on them.

Monsters of Batmania

Some of the weird monsters than inhabit Batmania:

Gumnut eyes, also known as beholders, are ferocious creatures that float through the air and fire various beams from their terrible eyes. They are spawned from eyeball gums, which superficially resemble other trees until they have grown to a certain size. The gumnuts of these trees grow larger and larger, eventually dropping off to form a new beholder. The beholder completes its life cycle by exploding into seeds after it is killed. These barbed seeds can bore through earth, leather and flesh to find a suitable place to grow. The Kulin people rightly consider this plant a menace and will burn any eyeball gums that they find.

Orcs are creatures of mud. They are generated spontaneously in the warm depths of the Yarra River, to come crawling out under the moon and drag themselves into dark caves. They are filthy creatures that defile their living space with feces and oils that drip from their skin. When one place is too vile to live in, they will move on to another. An orc's corpse will dissolve into mud within three days of death. However, if the body is left to dry in the sun it will become hollow and hard. This corpse can be fashioned into tough but brittle armour (AC strong as platemail, but on a critical hit the armour is shattered.)

Kobolds are humanoids with the bodies of young boys and the heads of dingoes. They live together in warrens where they communicate in a language of high-pitching yipping. At night they dance around bonfires in their own strange corroborrees, though none can say why. It is well known that kobolds suffer from chronic obsession and paranoia. They compulsively build primitive traps of all kinds in and around their warrens. Over time, the warren becomes crowded with traps until the kobolds begin to get killed by them. After the death count grows too high, the kobolds dismiss the warren as 'bad country' and relocate to a new home. The empty trap-filled warren is left behind.

Giants, also known as yowies, are huge hairy men who dwell in the upper slopes of the Dandenong Ranges. They are superficially similar to the hill giants of old Albion; other races, such as the fire and frost giants, are not found in Terra Australis. Like the Kulin, the yowies follow complex kinship systems, which in the yowies' case are based around order of precedence on cliff-passes. Many trails on the mountains are too narrow for more than one yowie to walk abreast, so when two yowies meet one must turn around and go back. They will often spend days locked in legal discussion to determine who must turn back, even if there is an easy passing-place within a few yards. If the yowies' discussion goes on for one full turning of the moon, they will be turned to stone.

Gnolls reside exclusively on the island of Van Diemen's Land. They are humanoids with heads that resemble the Tasmanian Devil. Their favoured tactic is to lie under mounds of wet leaves and burst out suddenly to surprise their victims. Rather than tattooing themselves, the gnolls shave off their hair in patterns that describe their kinship, country and line of descent. The most insane gnolls will even shave explosive runes into their backs so that they can never be snuck up on. The shamans of their tribes are shaved completely from head to toe.

Goblins are creatures of the paperbark trees. Their skin is white and papery, and is constantly peeling off in the same manner as a snake's skin. They live amongst paperbarks and treat the trees as their totems. However, they hate the 'knobble-bark' of other trees and are often seen chopping down or burning any flora that does not have the right kind of bark. When dissecting a goblin's body, one will find no flesh, only layer after layer of papery skin down to the bones. It is said that under the skin of the goblins, everything they have ever seen and done is recorded. Goblin shamans have their spells inscribed under the skin on the back of their head.

From the Classics: Harpies

We spread the tables on the greensward ground;
We feed with hunger, and the bowls go round;
When from the mountain-tops, with hideous cry,
And clatt'ring wings, the hungry Harpies fly;
They snatch the meat, defiling all they find,
And, parting, leave a loathsome stench behind.

- Virgil, Aeneid

The Harpies in the Aeneid don't actually attack the humans who intrude upon their domain. They just swoop down, steal all the food, and shit on the banquet table (I'm pretty sure that's what Virgil means by 'defiling'). Even when Aeneas and his companions attack them, the Harpies just kind of sit back and laugh because they can't be hit except by +1 or better weapons ("the fated skin is proof to wounds"). The danger to the travellers is not that the Harpies will kill them, but that they'll starve to death.

This is a cool twist to the monster that is lost when they become directly aggressive. Instead, I want to have the Harpies appear whenever the PCs are trying to eat their meals and snatch up all the food they can. This will work best on an island, in a deep ravine, or some other place where the PCs can't easily come and go. After a few days of no food, the PCs will start to feel weakened from starvation. The Harpies' defences make them difficult (but not outright impossible) to kill. What will the players do in such a situation? Will they turn their energies to exterminating the Harpies? Concoct a plan to eat their food in secret? Or just get what they came for in this location as quickly as they can and then escape?