Nice Cats (1995)

Lately I've been delving into the fascinating and awful world of Mockbuster animation. Extremely low budget rip-offs of Disney, Pixar and Dreamworks films. When it comes to trash cinema, something about this stuff seems sleazier than exploitation. Taking advantage of the ignorance of kids and the ambivalence of parents. The first example I decided to explore is this extremely crude mock-up of The Aristocats awkwardly titled "Nice Cats" ('Artige Katzen' in German).

Mrs. Mcdonald is taking her three cats on vacation to Acapulco. Lauren, the mother cat and her two kittens Lucy and Lionel. It's worth noting that it's they live in San Francisco, I did the math and it's 2,400 miles. That's quite the road trip. By the end of a generic incidental casio jingle, they're in Acapulco and immediately Lucy is getting the itch to wander. Mrs. Mcdonald warns all the cats that there's talk of a cat catcher on the prowl so to stay near the estate. Lucy runs off anyway and gets herself catnapped.

"Bunny Fashion"

"I Love Cats"

In cat jail she meets a stray named Charlie, they work together to plan an escape. Lucy plays dead to distract the cat catcher long enough to bite his bunghole.

By the time they get back to the estate Mrs. Mcdonald has taken the two cats and gone back to San Francisco, an ass move if I ever saw one. So now they have to travel all 2,400 miles on foot, Encountering different animals and humans along the way who help.

The plot is inconsequential. From the onset of the first frame you know that you're in for something truly horrific. One of the strangest companies to piggy back the success of Disney, the German based "Dingo Pictures" is responsible for other atrocities such as 'The Dalmations'  (101 Dalmations), 'Toys' (Toy Story), 'Countryside Bears' (Winnie the Pooh), and the one I'm the most excited to see 'Dinosaur Adventure' (The Land Before Time). Run by a husband and wife team, Ludwig Ickert and Simone Greiss, and I suspect not a single other employee. The backgrounds look like they were hand drawn by elementary schoolers and the characters themselves appear to have been TRACED from the source material. All three cats from "Nice Cats" have the same outline as Duchess from The Aristocats. The animation style reminds me of something between outdated 70's x-rated cartoons and that creepypasta 'Suicide Mouse'. From the limited images I've seen, it appears that all of their films have the same unfinished dullness. If the animation and copyright infringement wasn't enough, the dialog is amateurishly storybook style; with a woman narrating for every character. She has no accent but the grammar and sentax tells me that this was poorly translated from another language. With sentences like "Breathing was difficult for many people because the air was stuffy" - in regards to living in the city, or when the catcher caught a cat saying "That was a successful cat!". My favorite line however is when Lucy announces "I can't find my damn hairbrush!" - apparently Dingo is notorious for sprinkling curse words into their films.

A few other things I appreciated about 'Nice Cats'...

the entire movie is poorly hand drawn up until the end when they board an 8 bit boat. Suddenly we're in a video game.

The placement of the characters over the background went beyond not giving a shit. Charlie is floating in the middle of the frame like some experimental Jean-Christophe Averty shit.

Cameo by fake Thumper.

The saddest pizza I've ever seen. This isn't even Crayola, this is Roseart half way through the school year.

This racially confused Italian restaurant with a pizza being flipped like a pancake and a miniature china-man wearing a coolie and holding two sticks in front of a closed pot. This may be one of the most confusing moments in film history. I am literally stunned.


With my own "nice cat" Egbert recovering from oral surgery, this seemed like as good a time as any to participate in this bewilderment. Egbert has the luxury of pain killers why I painfully endured in sobriety. 'Nice Cats' and "Dingo Pictures" in general  is a personal journey you must decided if you want to take. God help you if you're as masochistic as me.

Dumptober Part 1: Garbage Cinema

I really intended to have written more reviews by now. October is always overflowing with activities and yet I feel just as motivated to suffocate myself in the warm embrace of cinema. My goal was to continue watching horror movies, review the ones that stood out every few days or so, then dump the rest in one mini-review style entry. That's what this is turning out to be only it's covering pretty much the entire month. Despite my lack of updating I've watched a whopping 41 movies this month, not including dozens of silent shorts. I got kind of side tracked by a video project I did for a pop-up speakeasy called Sip Saturdays. I created a mash-up of silent experimental and horror clips. It was such a blast and forced me to finally watch lot of films that I've had on the back burner for years and also revisit some beloved favorites. But I'll come back to that...

The beginning of the month was filled with mostly underwhelming random movies I've had sitting around forever. I decided to just submit myself to them, this stacked against my Silent marathon made for a unique cleansing experience. The first horror movie I watched this month was Grave Encounters, which has firmly secured it's spot in the bottom five. But nothing could compete with the spectacle of suckery that the Slender Man achieves. One of the worst found footage horror movies I've ever seen (up there with Paranormal Effect, which I'm still recovering from). A total waste of moderately-interesting source material, because, let's face it. Eventually SOMEONE was going to make a Slender Man movie. If you want to see it, it's on youtube. I won't promote it by offering the link, you've been warned.

To fuel my already somewhat disappointing October, I decided to go see Annabelle. Partially because I wanted to see SOMETHING (anything really) horror related at the theater, but mostly because I'm a sucker. To be fair, it wasn't awful but it was far from remarkable. It shamelessly rip-offs Rosemary's Baby and the ending is totally worthless, but somehow Slender Man had lowered the bar so much I experienced some mild enjoyment.

The second week of October was dedicated to shot on video or direct to video demi-classics. Things I really should have gotten around to before my 29th year on this earth. Let's start from the top...


1. Rocktober Blood (1984)

Something that's been on my list for a VERY long time. The rock n' roll themed horror movies of the 80's belong to an exclusive league of cool that is uniquely it's own. After seeing Hard Rock Zombies, Rock n' Roll Nightmare and of course the holy grail of the genre, Slumber Party Massacre 2, knew there was more to this. Rocktober Blood entered my peripheral vision in my youth and yet it has somehow evaded me until now. I don't hold it in as high esteem as the latter but with lines like "I want your hot, steaming pussy blood all over my face" it's deserving of being in the hierarchy amongst it's peers.

2. Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh (1991)

I enjoyed this as I was watching it but in retrospect, I remember almost nothing and it's only been two weeks. I liked the frazzled smoking wife and an Egyptian slant on any movie always makes it better. A bit too intentionally campy. I'm also not a huge fan of the cops-trying-to-solve-the-murder yarn. Unless it's Blood Feast, which Bloodsucking Pharaohs is obviously influenced by, A few interesting murder sequences but nothing to write home about. Honestly, nothing really to write in your blog about either. It's fair at best. Acceptable Halloween fodder but not worth going out of your way for.

3. Haunted-Ween (1991)

I don't really know what to say about Haunted-ween. It was a visual interpretation of the term "in one ear, out the other". It had a few moments that were simply OK, but I think this movie is the strongest example of mediocrity this Halloween season. A fraternity throws a Halloween party at a local abandoned haunted house (as in a haunted house themed attraction, not  an ACTUAL haunted house). It had been previously owned by a family that hosted the event every year until the youngest member, impaled and killed a girl. I'm sure you can guess where the story goes. The party materializes, murdering unfolds. The only memorable scene is the Grand Guignol inspired final act. Everyone THINKS they're watching a realistic Blood Sucking Freaks-esque murder show, while they're actually witnessing the crimes. Has some regional Kentucky fried charm, but missed the mark for me personally. The best thing about about the movie is that it's called Haunted-Ween, which will forever make me think of a haunted penis.

4. Demon Dolls (1993)

I had every reason to hate Demon Dolls. It's too long, aimlessly meanders, stars a cast of non-actors who I mostly want to punch in the face, possibly the most amateur of all the movies I watched this month and I hate that fucking puppet. I generally love doll related horror movies. Make it a clown doll? I'm in! THIS particular doll pisses me off. It just looks like shit. The first half of this movie had me cross-armed and flat-faced. I was so ready to hate Demon Dolls. I decided to turn it off for the night and go to bed early. The next day, I just wanted to get it over with so I could forget it. I made my coffee and aimed to have it as background noise to my morning routine. Then, something happened in the second half. It got kind of weird. Suddenly it became a Videodrome influenced inter-dimensional love story between the main character (Todd Jason Cook, also the director) and his girlfriend (played by his real-life wife, Lisa Cook, who he would put in a number of his movies). It toyed with some experimental imagery and effects. I got the sense that these two were just messing around in their house and having fun with it. Which I kind of like. Something about it was actually kind of sweet and having taken such an unusual turn I can't totally dismiss Demon Dolls. Also, looking around his room, the dude is clearly obsessed with Horror culture. It's plastered with posters top to bottom, then he shamelessly plugs a previous film of his. It's all very charming and home spun. I felt like I knew these kids. Won me over in the end.

5. 555 (1988)

Oh dear. Where to begin. 555 has a reputation of being some kind of staple in a VHS collection. Out of print for so many years and with such an attractive cover, it was sought out by many. As a casual  collector (meaning I'm cheap. I won't spend exorbitant amounts of money on anything - vhs, dvd, books, records, wax cylinders, weasel fetus', whatever.), it never seemed pressing enough to spend the collector price to check out this movie. I waited; and while I felt it was a blight on my track record,  but now I'm glad. You see, 555 sucks. Don't listen to anyone else, listen to me. It sucks. That's it. End of discussion. Not in a cute, redeeming way like Demon Dolls. There's no passable pay-off like at the end of Haunted-Ween. It doesn't have a rock band or campy Egyptian culture. It DOES share that cops-talking-too-much yarn I mentioned earlier. That's all this is. Let's just TALK about murders for an hour and call it a horror movie. There are maybe five minutes of underwhelming horror sequences including the cover image that Wally Koz is so fucking proud of. What a jip. I can't imagine having spent any number of dollars on this and not feeling ripped off. I already feel ripped off and I spent nothing. Hugely disappointed. I would be remiss not to mention the slutty middle aged journalist. She needs to be acknowledged simply because they tried to sell that sexuality to we; the audience. I cannot. No primary characters in this film are more than a decade below geriatric. Don't let anyone fool you. 555 sucks.

This has been the year of 2 1/2 - 3 star ratings. Most of which I didn't hate but there have only been a few that I truly love. I rewatched some classics, notably Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. I say notably because it leads into my silent period, a breath of fresh air after the 555's of the world have inflicted their insubstantial garbage waves into my noggin.  As far as the rest of my silent excavations go, I have SO much to say, I've decided to reserve it for a second entry. And there are still a few films I've promised myself to dedicate full entries to because they deserve obsessive VLC screen grab treatment. A few notable movies I probably won't have time to cover include Death Laid an Egg, Die Die My Darling, I Drink Your Blood, Nightmare Beach, Absurd and the Death Nurse films. The latter I DO plan on covering some time in the future in a big Nick Millard tribute I'm tentatively planning. But I don't know why I'm tell you all of this right now, see you in part 2!

Da Hip Hop Witch - 2000

Well, I finally did it. I found my Achilles Heel of shit movies. After years of searching, I found the most derivative, obnoxious waste of time ever committed to video. NOPE, don't try to convince me that anything else could ever live up to this monstrosity. Da Hip Hop Witch managed to beat out Another Son of Sam, the former holder of the worst-film-I've-ever-seen title. It was so unbearable I actually had to have my husband help me put together some thoughts on this one. After staying up way too late drinking brandy and reviewing Gore-Met, Zombie Chef from Hell. I just didn't have it in me to make my brain process this as I would a normal review.

Some movies work like complex puzzles, full of twists and turns, false set ups, fake endings. Leading you in different directions, sometimes taking you back to the beginning and wrapping up the stories in intricate developments and intricate riddles. Then there are stories like Da Hip Hop Witch, that are the equivalent of   a rudimentary children's maze that you would find on the back of a cereal box. How this movie was made is mind boggling. Almost as much as how the filmmakers could have possibly coerced all of the famous rappers to appear in the film, which begs the question, How many rappers does it take to make piece of shit film? But I digress…

Da Hip Hop Witch works(?) itself as a rip-off of “Blair Witch Project”, which is obvious from the opening title cards claiming she is a “Black Witch from the projects” and the rappers she has been terrorizing  with her presence. Some of the claims made about her are:

•  She has long hairy fingernails
• Long dreads
• Green (or purple depending on who you ask) hair and big titties
• 20-inch feet
• 6-foot long fingers, which she loves to shove up Eminem’s ass.. etc.

A good 75% of this film is devoted to filming rappers redundantly reiterating their own accounts of what she looked like. Which ranged from “An ugly as bitch I wouldn't fuck” to “beautiful skank that I fucked.” Most of the dialogue seemed to be ad-libbed, shot in one take and probably a good portion in rappers dressing rooms between rap concerts. But of course, that only takes up a good hour of the film, they needed 20 minutes of story. What to do? Add two subplots that go NOFUCKINGWHERE!

  How these stories interweave is the equivalent of three blind drag races speeding barreling down a dead end street. And the ending’s reveal of the identity of Da Hip Hop Witch is as confusing as it is lukewarm with absolutely no relevance to the 30-plus accounts given in the film!

Da Hip Hop Witch is a train wreck of the worst kind. It is too far gone in bad taste to be watched for camp. But, if you do decide to trek through this fecal-flick here are some things I noticed:

• Eminem gets top billing; Vanilla Ice gets last.
• Vanilla Ice gets a tattoo during the movie, which we speculated was paid for by the crew, and that was his compensation for appearing in the film.
• In Eminem’s studio (which just looks like an office lunch room with “Shady Records” stickers on the door) there are several close up shots of Bud Light bottles which are all blurred, sometimes blurring out over half the screen.
• Da Hip Hop Witch ONLY attacks rap artists… with the exception of “pop star” Vitamin C and five white kids from the burbs, one of which is played by Mia Tyler, Stephen Tyler's other daughter..
• Royce Da 5’9” upon hearing Da Hip Hop Witch tried to shove her finger up Eminem’s ass, claims “Slim’s always having things shoved up his ass”

That’s all I have to report. It was a harrowing viewing experience. I've never felt such a combination of boredom and frustration. Glad I was able to finish this, so you don’t have to.

Gore-Met, Zombie Chef from Hell - 1986

To keep with the general spirit of food and SOV movies, yesterday after Microwave Massacre I decided to finally throw on Gore-Met, Zombie Chef from Hell. It's been in my collection for quite a few years, which I often feel guilty about. That is until those moments come where I'm too broke to buy movies and I'm feeling lazy, cozy and relieved that I've stock piled a ridiculous amount of movies which are seemingly on the back burner indefinitely.

Besides having one of the most creative/retarded titles of all time, GORE-MET, Zombie Chef from Hell is just as incompetent as it would suggest. For starters, let's just delve into the ridiculousness of the title. The idea of a Zombie Chef is really confusing. Zombies are pretty much like carnivorous robots. They simply consume. The idea of the sophisticated preparation of human flesh by an undead being is Hi-larious.

Does it actually live up to the title? in short; YES. While Gore-Met might be a nonsensical cluster-fuck, it fills a very tiny void of film history that could only exist in a dimension where sorcerers wear sweatshirts and serve each other "slimy slider" cocktails in a North Carolina dive bar.

The plot, or whatever resembles one, revolves around an ancient cult/sect called (and I am not fucking kidding right now) "the Righteous Brotherhood".....

Read it again slowly...

the RIGHTOUS BROTHER-hood. 

Am I sensing a hint of fanboy-ism on director Don Swan's part? Just to warn you from here on out this cult will now be referred to simply as the Righteous Brothers.

When the Righteous Brothers discover that one of their most powerful members has killed the high priestess in attempt gain total control, they drag him out to the forest and cast a curse on him that will make it so he never dies but must constantly consume human flesh so that he doesn't slowly rot away. A fate worse than death. Jump ahead 600 years or so and "Goza" (who I, and I'm pretty sure every other person who has EVER seen this movie mistook for "Gozer" of Ghostbusters fame) is now working in the ugliest, shittiest, most repulsive looking bar I've ever seen. Goza works as the head chef, where he apparently cooks and consumes the customers himself, and also (for whatever stupid reason) serves human flesh to the public. Working as his bartender/assistant is Blozor. A big hulking dork of an ancient warlock who has no real power except to knock someone's head off with a simple punch to the face.

The Righteous Brothers have realized their error in allowing Goza to live, so in attempt to put him in his place and strip him of his power there's an epic battle of wizardry which involves absolutely no special effects at all. Simply the staggering talent of two amateur actors. One in a Hawaiian shirt, the other in a simple pull over hoodie. With heated dialogue and dramatic hand gestures, we the audience are treated to the most pathetic and inept battle sequence of all time. Not even kidding here. I was so conflicted between the excitement of the soap opera-like dialogue and the anti-climatic action sequence that my internal organs entangled themselves in a barftastic explosion of hysterics which ended with me rolling off my bed, out of the bedroom, out my apartment, into the streets where I laid there until I car came by and hit me, I died and was reanimated by the Righteous Brothers, had to live off of flesh to stay alive, and the cycle started all over again with someone else. This is the impact that Gore-met, Zombie Chef from Hell will have on your life.

For a movie with such a deliberately exaggerated title there's very little gore and no real "zombie". Customers complain about hair and jewelry being in their food so I wouldn't really call him a "chef", and "hell" isn't even really a factor at all. All of that considered, somehow (despite what other reviewers may say) Gore-Met delivers. For being as clumsy and incoherent as it truly is, there's an undeniable gonzo quality that is a rare treat in a film from any decade.

In closing; is Gore-Met a decent film? Definitely not. Will you enjoy it? I doubt it. Should you love and obsess over it? YES. Proceed with the lowest of expectations and the highest dose of whatever your preferred substance may be and marvel at the glorious inadequacy.

The Extra-Terrestrial Cat in Boots (1990)

Watching foreign movies without subtitles is an art. It's something only a handful of movie fans are willing to subject themselves to and only as a last resort. When the alternative is NOT watching a movie called "The Extra-Terrestrial Cat in Boots" featuring Coffin Joe, there really is no option at all. It simply must be done. I had hoped that my vague memories of "Puss in Boots" would  be favorable in my comprehension of the film. On a very basic level, it was, but as soon as I saw spaceships and wizards I knew this would be yet another subtitle-less testament to my obsession with both bizarre and cat related movies.

On that note, let's meet O Gato himself...

Clearly one of the greatest Man-Cats to ever grace the screen. The mask was actually pretty well made and at times reminded me of the Beast in Jean Cocteau's Beauty and the Beast. Not THAT well made of course, but in the sense that it was kind of life-like, partially animated and TOTALLY creepy. If you're not as enthralled with the appearance of O Gato as I am, you probably won't like the rest of the movie because there's a lot of him just walking around catching ducks and shit. Unless of course you speak Portuguese  then you may dislike the movie for a number of other reasons.

The spaceship of course being nowhere on that list.

For the most part the film does follow the original story. The Cat from outer-space comes to earth in a Star Wars-esque ship with a group of fellow spacemen (regular looking men, no more man-cats unfortunately). All but one seem to disappear after the first scene. It's pretty clear after about 15 minutes in that O Gato's companion is supposed to be the Miller's Son from the original fable whom the Cat hooks up with treasures and princesses and what-have-yous. 

The bad guy is a cool-looking Sorcerer with a really cute pet owl. He spends a lot of time in his castle making poo-poo faces and pouring blue liquid into beakers. 

Look how cute that owl is! Omg.

I was under the false impression that José Mojica Marins was a primary character when I procured this little gem. He's in the film for maybe five minutes. Although I have no idea why or what he's saying, he gave the film the Coffin Joe touch, which makes ALL films complete. He basically floats around, follows O Gato, confronts him, says something menacing then disappears  I can only assume that he's a shape-shifted version of the Sorcerer/Ogre character that lives in the castle.

Who's that on that thar' mountain?

Oh Snap! It's Zé do Caixão! Hide your town virgins!

The castle. Just because it's cool.

The things that made O Gato De Botas Extraterrestre confusing were the things that also made it interesting and set apart from your garden variety Puss in Boots Kiddie Matinee feature. If you know the story, you could probably get through it easily and take from it a bounty of strangeness. I'm still on the prowl for a subtitled copy but as for now I'm satisfied with my subtitle-less Man-Cat-Alien-Sorcery-Coffin-Joe experience.

I'd like to start reviewing all the different versions of Puss in Boots as a personal project. I have the K. Gordon Murray one in my possession which will probably come soon. This will of course exclude the recent Hollywood film which I have no interest in whatsoever. I recall a straight to video version from the late 80's with Christopher Walken that I'll probably revisit as well. Any suggestions, dear readers?

Creating Rem Lezar (1989)

What better way to celebrate April Fools than to spotlight a video that's a complete aberration on humanity. Creating Rem Lezar is a bit of an anomaly. Considered to be a holy grail of sorts by many collectors of found footage. It's a straight to video children's musical meant to inspire some kind of critical thinking and develop social skills. I'm sure all it ever accomplished was inflicting irreparable psychological damage.

The story follows two kids, a boy named Zack and a girl named Ashley. They're both constantly getting in trouble for daydreaming. What else do that have in common other than being lame and having no friends? They share a "special" imaginary friend named Rem Lezar. A gown man dressed as a superhero with a blue mullet. They love Rem Lezar, and who wouldn't?

One day in ceramics class Ashley notices Zack molding a life like sculpture of Rem Lezar. She comes over to inquire about his inspiration for the piece and he tells her to "go braid her hair or something". And this kid has no friends? She explains her demented friendship with Rem Lezar. Of course he's real, if he's not then who's the strange man sneaking into her bedroom at night to sing sad songs while watching her sleep? She then exasperates "you see, a girl CAN understand Rem Lezar". But can we really? I might not want to understand a man who wears tights and stands over small children's beds at night. No, Ashley, I think you're the one who doesn't understand Rem Lezar, that goes double for you Zack. This isn't a matter of boy and girl this is a matter of AMBER ALERT.

Despite their differences, they bond on the fact that they share the same friend and no one believes them. They decide to make Rem Lezar real. How do you make a friend? With mannequin parts apparently. In an extremely disturbing display of delusional behavior, the children put together a make-shift Rem Lezar out of pieces they found god-knows-where. Where do find a blue leotard for an adult male on short notice? Surprised that he's still an inanimate object they sing possibly the most terrifying off-key song in this entire disaster. It works! He comes to life and joins them in their mournful dirge. He cradles them to sleep singing...all alone in an empty barn. How am I watching this?

"Eight year olds, Dude"

The real fun begins when they wake up the next morning and find that it wasn't a dream. Rem Lezar IS real. The began an adventure to find the one accessory missing from his ensemble. The Quixtoic Medallion. What makes it "quixtotic"? Nothing. My guess is the writer wanted to throw a cool word in there so they put a figure 8 on a saucer, spray painted it gold and called it "quixotic". What's even better is that at the end there are literally credits for "Quixotic Medallion Construction". Which is now going to be code for when I have to take a shit, because that's exactly what Creating Rem Lezar has done to my life.

Come to find out there's a bad guy in this movie! (Aside from this fruity pedophile following these two kids around) We also have Vorock, a giant pixelated video toaster head. He reveals that he's stolen the Quixotic Medallion because he has no friends. He hints that he's hidden the medallion at the "highest point of the mind". Whoa. Rem asks the kids what they think is the highest point of the mind? Zack says a mountain. Ashley says a skyscraper in NYC. Which struck me as some blatant adults-writing-what-they-think-a-stupid-kid-would-say answer. My answer would have been "A flying unicorn. duh.". For the record, the correct answer ended up being "love". "Love" is the highest point of the mind. See what they did there?

CRL makes feeble attempts at being educational or enriching in some way, but fails miserably. At the end of the movie the credits list several P.H.D.'s and Psychotherapy clinics, which leads me to believe this was funded by such organizations. Which also leads me to believe it was shown to patients. Which leads me back to my original statement of Creating Rem Lezar causing irreparable damage to young minds. Could you imagine if a child who had actually been victimized saw this film? Horrifying.

A few notations I jotted down while watching Creating Rem Lezar, but couldn't quite figure out how to work them into my summary...

• "Adults are Assholes"
• "Creepy Pedophile Pansy Magical Disaster"
• "I Can Touch, I Can Feel" (direct quote)
• "Homosexual Rockapella + Rapping"
• "Oddly Placed Violin Solo" (best part of the movie actually, made me want bust out some Ponty)
• "A LOT of singing. a lot."
• "Little Tot-Tots" (direct quote)
• "Heavy Philosophical Bullshit"
• "Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit"

For the longest time I thought the title of the movie was "Creating R.E.M. Lasers"...which was something I desperately wanted to learn. Still do. Anyone have THAT movie?

There's so much to say about this mind fuck that you can't really began OR end any kind of logical dissertation. I didn't know where to start this thing and I don't know how to finish. This 48 minute feature is like that awful quixotic medallion. An infinite symbol of tackiness and despair. Much like my life now that I can't go back and un-see it. Honestly though, it was a delight! I'd like to have been inebriated or at least amongst friends but the truth is, it was a blast to watch. Even alone in your apartment surrounded by cats.You can watch the whole thing in six parts on youtube.

Fun Fact: Rem Lezar is the guy that sang that stupid fucking Snickers song. Good to know that those golden pipes took him somewhere in life. 

The Secret Life: Jeffrey Dahmer (1993)

I've never been a huge fan of true crime. The starkness of such subject matter is a little too impolite for my taste, even as a horror fan. Reality is not fun and the world is a terrible, terrible place. That's why becoming attached to movies like Blood Feast and Slumber Party Massacre 2 is so easy. How relatable are Fuad Ramses and the Driller Killer? They're practically cartoons. People who actually go out and do awful things to other people do not interest me. That being said, since art mimics life naturally a few movies are going to pop up that are based on or heavily inspired by a real life monster. I may not hero worship Ed Gein like some people, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the 1974 film Deranged. You get what I'm saying.

I might not have given this one a second thought, but lately I've developed a huge crush on dvd distro Intervision. It started when I decided to rent Sledgehammer, an other worldly "slasher"(?) about a ghost killer with a ghost sledgehammer. It crescendo'd after I saw "Things", a 1989 Canadian horror movie that defies any kind of rationalization. It's from another planet. The same planet Death Bed: the Bed That Eats is from. Both of which I intend to review (still catching up on my list!). After those two I knew I needed to just blindly purchase anything this life changing company throws my way. After viewing the trailer for The Secret Life: Jeffrey Dahmer I decided that it had potential so I decided to put my faith in Intervison and give it a look.

Already knowing the basics about Jeffrey Dahmer, as anyone the planet would, it made it difficult for the movie to surprise me. Reality is a spoiler in true crime horror movies. It's all very straight forward. It's a bit repetitive since most of it is him performing his little bait and switch routine. Offering men money to take their picture then slaying them in a cornucopia of plenty. Objectively, there are some good kills. Feets on fire, tenderly requesting permission to decapitate, offering bounties of drugged meatloaf sandwiches. Carl Crew plays Dahmer, despite his over acting I thought he did a pretty good job. He definitely looks the part. More than anything he made me want to rewatch Blood Diner.

This film wasn't spectacular but it did have it's moments.There are three moments in particular that I hold dear to my heart. The first being the scene on the cover of the dvd. Imagine romantic midi piano music while Jeffy lovingly cradles a freshly severed head. He whispers sentiments of eternal love and foreverness. It's an appalling spectacle of enchantment. I also really loved his apartment. Skeleton n' shit everywhere, in practice and in artistic taste. Simple, but metal.

Another is finding out that much to my surprise (thought maybe I shouldn't be) Jeffrey Dahmer was a Herschell Gordon Lewis fan...

Or maybe it's just Carl Crew? Between this and Blood Diner. Either way, he should give me his shirt.




Lastly and most importantly....

This guy.



For no apparent reason at all this Barry Gibb clone appears in a bar and calls Dahmer from a payphone, harassing him with his menacing grimace and awkward silence. Then nothing... That's it... No more Gibb. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN??? Dahmer was offended, even I was offended. But I want more. Where has he been all my life? I didn't even know what to look for in the credits. "Person Who Looks More Like A Serial Killer than Jeffrey Dahmer"? Truly one of the world's greatest mysteries.


Overall despite my hang ups with true crime The Secret Life: Jeffrey Dahmer force fed me enough cheese to be constantly reminded that it's all just a little bit of movie magic. It didn't speak to me on the same level as Things or Sledgehammer, but it's a nice slice of  Intervision love to stave off my hunger for today. Seal of approval granted. And I promise more reviews of it's distro brethren in the near future!