The Extra-Terrestrial Cat in Boots (1990)

Watching foreign movies without subtitles is an art. It's something only a handful of movie fans are willing to subject themselves to and only as a last resort. When the alternative is NOT watching a movie called "The Extra-Terrestrial Cat in Boots" featuring Coffin Joe, there really is no option at all. It simply must be done. I had hoped that my vague memories of "Puss in Boots" would  be favorable in my comprehension of the film. On a very basic level, it was, but as soon as I saw spaceships and wizards I knew this would be yet another subtitle-less testament to my obsession with both bizarre and cat related movies.

On that note, let's meet O Gato himself...

Clearly one of the greatest Man-Cats to ever grace the screen. The mask was actually pretty well made and at times reminded me of the Beast in Jean Cocteau's Beauty and the Beast. Not THAT well made of course, but in the sense that it was kind of life-like, partially animated and TOTALLY creepy. If you're not as enthralled with the appearance of O Gato as I am, you probably won't like the rest of the movie because there's a lot of him just walking around catching ducks and shit. Unless of course you speak Portuguese  then you may dislike the movie for a number of other reasons.

The spaceship of course being nowhere on that list.

For the most part the film does follow the original story. The Cat from outer-space comes to earth in a Star Wars-esque ship with a group of fellow spacemen (regular looking men, no more man-cats unfortunately). All but one seem to disappear after the first scene. It's pretty clear after about 15 minutes in that O Gato's companion is supposed to be the Miller's Son from the original fable whom the Cat hooks up with treasures and princesses and what-have-yous. 

The bad guy is a cool-looking Sorcerer with a really cute pet owl. He spends a lot of time in his castle making poo-poo faces and pouring blue liquid into beakers. 

Look how cute that owl is! Omg.

I was under the false impression that José Mojica Marins was a primary character when I procured this little gem. He's in the film for maybe five minutes. Although I have no idea why or what he's saying, he gave the film the Coffin Joe touch, which makes ALL films complete. He basically floats around, follows O Gato, confronts him, says something menacing then disappears  I can only assume that he's a shape-shifted version of the Sorcerer/Ogre character that lives in the castle.

Who's that on that thar' mountain?

Oh Snap! It's Zé do Caixão! Hide your town virgins!

The castle. Just because it's cool.

The things that made O Gato De Botas Extraterrestre confusing were the things that also made it interesting and set apart from your garden variety Puss in Boots Kiddie Matinee feature. If you know the story, you could probably get through it easily and take from it a bounty of strangeness. I'm still on the prowl for a subtitled copy but as for now I'm satisfied with my subtitle-less Man-Cat-Alien-Sorcery-Coffin-Joe experience.

I'd like to start reviewing all the different versions of Puss in Boots as a personal project. I have the K. Gordon Murray one in my possession which will probably come soon. This will of course exclude the recent Hollywood film which I have no interest in whatsoever. I recall a straight to video version from the late 80's with Christopher Walken that I'll probably revisit as well. Any suggestions, dear readers?

Schlocktober Top 10!

To make up for my lack of reviewing in October I thought I'd celebrate getting back to my regularly scheduled programming by honoring my neglected tradition of doing monthly top 10 reviews. Back in 2006 I started writing down every movie I watch. Separated by monthly columns I number them and mark them with an asterisk if it's a first-time-view. Out of those first-times-views, I compose a top 10. I list them as best as I can in order of enjoyment, obviously number 1 would be my favorite. This doesn't necessarily mean it's traditionally "the best". I'm an unconventional critic and opinions are relative. So without further adieu, here is my Top 10 for October 2009.



1. Hausu (1977)




If movies had souls, this movie would be my soul mate. This movie brings a new meaning to the phrase "now I've seen EVERYTHING!". When you watch as much as I do you sometimes wonder if you've reached the epitome of weirdness. This movie convinced me that there will always be something else, something that goes above and beyond. Simply put, this is a haunted house movie, but so so much more! The story revolves around seven girls who go to one of their Aunt's house for vacation. The plot is relatively insignificant, immediately bizarre things start to happen and the girl are killed in more and more insane ways. It was made by experimental Japanese director Nobuhiko Obayashi who got his start directing television commercials (if you want to see a really funny example of this, do a youtube search for "Charles Bronson Mandom"). You can really see the influence as the movie itself is one giant, flashy, quick-edited, commercial for total BEDLAM! I read a review where someone said it's as if Beetlejuice were directed by Dario Argento, only it's SO MUCH BETTER! I would sooner compare it to the bastard child of Holy Mountain and the Yokai Monsters: 100 Monsters. This is the kind of movie that makes you wonder why the film industry didn't come to a complete halt because it just doesn't get any better. Describing the movie is nearly impossible, reviewing it is just my tripping over endless compliments. So if you trust me and want to have a visually maddening mind fuck of an experience, find yourself a copy of this life changing movie.



2. What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)


I'm ashamed to say how long I went without seeing this. I'm a big fan of both Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. The movie revolves around two sisters who were formerly in show business. One, a crazed washed up child star (Davis), the other handicapped ex-movie star (Crawford) who's tormented and completely at the mercy of her insane sibling. Victor Buono gave a truly outstanding performance as well. I'm only used to him as King Tut from the Batman series from 1966. Robert Aldrich directed it, he later direct Davis and Buono again in Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte.



3. Testament of Dr. Mabuse (1933)



Finally, my first encounter with the diabolical Dr. Mabuse. Often cited as the first super villain, Mabuse uses his powers of hypnosis and mind control to wreak havoc and destruction from behind padded walls and even beyond the grave. This Fritz Lang classic was the second out of three, but was later followed by many semi-sequels directed by other people. This is considered the last hurrah from German Expressionism.



4. Frenzy (1972)



I always liked him, but lately I've really been diving into Alfred Hitchcock's vast body of work. I recently got a set of his early movies, I also received the Hitchcock/Truffaut book for my birthday. After having seen Family Plot earlier this year (which I quite enjoyed despite it's reputation), I wasn't sure what to expect from this one. A guy is running around raping and strangling women with neckties in London. The guy being framed is down on his luck having just lost his job, apartment and is in an over-all shitty mood. When his ex-wife becomes one of the victims he becomes the prime suspect. It's filled with Hitchcock's quirky sense of humor. I particularly loved the banter between the inspector and his wife as she's serving him these elaborate meals that he hates. Great stuff!




5. the Unknown (1927)



the world silent film is almost completely untouched by me. I'm slowly trying to work my way through the history of film. Silent pictures have always seemed like a big hurdle for me, mainly because I didn't know where to start. In my research I started to become fascinated with Lon Chaney Senior. He was really an amazing person, both of his parents were deaf so he was a natural at acting in a silent film. The Unknown is about an armless knife thrower at a circus who's in love with his lovely assisstant (a very young Joan Crawford), who is afraid of the touch of a man. Naturally they'd be a perfect couple right? Well, as it turns out he really does have arms, he conceals them in a girdle because he's a wanted man and has a strange deformity , two thumbs on one hand! This horror classic just gets weirder and weirder!


6. the Invisible Man (1933)



Not sure why I put off watch this for so long. I probably didn't take into account how much fun it would be to see an invisible person do all sorts of things. Smoking a cigarette, throwing things, acting like a ghost. Claude Rains really made this role his own, considering you never actually see him act! This has easily earned him the title of my favorite Universal Monster!




7. Tales from the Crypt (1972)/ Vault of Horror (1973)



Ok, so they're two different movies. They're based from basically the same comic, they're both Amicus Anthologies, they were made back to back, and they just go together! Plus, I don't think I could choose between them! Tales from the Crypt stars Joan Collins, Ralph Richardson, Roy Dotrice and Peter Cushing. Five people enter a tomb for seemingly unknown reasons and one by one are told their stories by the Crypt Keeper (Ralph Richardson). In Vault of Horror (aka "Further Tales from the Crypt") five men enter an elevator that takes them to the basement where imbibements are ready for them, they get comfortable, eat , drink and slowly begin to tell of their "nightmares", horrible things they've done, or have been done to them. The Terry Thomas episode was really fun and brought some comic relief in. Buy the double disc! See them both!



8. Sisters (1973)



Brian DePalma's homage to Alfred Hitchcock. After a pair of siamese twins are separated, strange things begin to happen. Before the film's release DePalma was using different themes from different Hitchcock movies. Marnie, Rear Window, etc... Until it was suggested to him that he should just get Bernard Hermann to score the film! So he did and it works beautifully. I was really impressed with William Finley in this movie. After seeing him in the Phantom of the Paradise I almost didn't recognize him. In a lot of ways, he steals the show.


9. This Night I Will Possess your Corpse (1967)



Zé do Caixão is up to his old shenanigans again! Still trying to find a woman to bare his evil spawn. I actually liked this second instalment of the Coffin Joe series even more than the first, At Midnight I'll Steal you Soul. With essentially the same plot it's clear that José Mojica Marins had a bigger budget to work with. I enjoyed watching him scare girls with spiders in their beds and ravish the toughest girl amidst the screams of the other girls being bitten by snakes. I felt like the character had more depth in this movie and showed borderline human emotions. The Jigoku-esque nightmare sequence depicting a colorized version of Hell is worth seeing the movie for alone!



10. You'll Find Out (1940)



I've been highly anticipating the release of this Universal horror comedy of the "Spooks Run Wild" variety. The story revolves around Kay Kyser's band, who are playing at a young heiress' birthday party. Several creeps are out to kill the young lady so they can have her inheritance. The villains are played by Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi and Peter Lorre. This is one of the funniest movies of this genre that I have yet to see. Kyser was a surprisingly silly and charming leading man. The gags were great, the music was great, and Peter Lorre was on top of his game! What more could you want? How about a SONOVOX?! Yes, this movie is super cool.



Honorable Mentions:
the Wolf Man (1941), the Devil Doll (1936), the Raven (1963), Calling Dr. Death (1943), the Dark Backward (1991), the Man Who Knew Too Much (1934) [this would have made the top 10 but I bumped it down since it doesn't really fall into the horror genre, just to keep a theme going]



Lon Chaney Jr. (1906-1973)



Though none of his movies made the top 10, I feel that he deserves a
special acknowledgement for being so charismatic in all eight movies I saw him in this month.

My Mom is Tor Johnson's Mom

I was thinking about "This Night I will Possess Your Corpse" and what an awkward title that is. I mean, it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Not to say that it isn't BRILLIANT. Coffin Joe should have made a movie called "Sometime next week I'm thinking about possibly borrowing your nail clippers".

Ok, I think some mini-reviews are in order!














I've been making my rounds through the various untapped video findings I've collected from local thrifts, and finally decided to watch "And Now the Screaming Starts" an Amicus, period piece haunted house-type horror movie. To be honest, I generally don't care for that formula. Possibly why I put off watching it for so long, but in a moment of desperation, this unsung classic really surprised me with it's coolness.

First of all, it stars a bunch of great house names for Amicus and Hammer, such as (big surprise) Peter Cushing, Herbert Lom, Ian Ogilvy, Stephanie Beachman, but most importantly, Patrick Magee, who was also in Tales from the Crypt and Dementia 13, both movies I just happened to watch in the same week! He's haunting my movie marathons and I like it. the plot is ...well, kinda serious. A vengeful ghost haunts a "virgin bride" (pah!) by showing her it's severed "Thing"-hand, and desecrating her womb. Unfortunately they don't show that part, but there's a baby with a nub for a hand, and that's what really matters.



I finally got around to seeing this hilarious "romp" (I guess would be the word?). I have this thing for horror comedies, well, I'm obsessed with Arsenic and Old Lace and I'm always trying to find more movies like it. There really aren't many other movies like it. I've kind of self-titled this kind of horror comedy "Spooks Run Wild" after the East Side Kids movie, how better to sum up the jester-like antics of these classic monsters/characters?


Aside from the fact that Lou Costello whines a lot (I can only take so much) this is a really funny movie, especially the last couple of scenes when Dracula and Wolfman are duking it out, and the uncredited voice cameo of Vincent Price as the Invisible Man makes his ...uh... "appearance" (?)

Straying further and further from the "horror" on this particular day, I ended up watching the Big Cube, which should have been called "The Big Turd" or even just "the Big Disappointment" would have been more fitting. I thought it would be a suspenseful psychedelic mystery-type of thing, ended up coming across more like a big budget propaganda movie. The DANGER of LSD, blah blah blah. Overly dramatic and attempted to come across sincere. I often read about these 60's psychedelic movies being "out-dated", such as one of my all time favorite cult movies, Otto Preminger's "Skidoo". I find it's unnecessary to even attempt and compare the 60's to the present. There are certainly movies that are timeless, but "psychedelic" movies aren't really made anymore. It was fresh in the 60's and I'm usually thrilled to see this moment in time captured in a way even my own psychedelic experiences couldn't approach. What I'm getting at is that as a general rule I love LSD themed movies! THIS MOVIE seems to be the exception! True, the effects were cool, colorful, sparkly, and fun... and so they should be! But the plot was very "meh", and kind of depressing. A spoiled rich girl's father remarries an aging actress (Lana Turner) who both seem to be very much in love. She of course acts bratty and rebels. Meets a young stud (not really though, George Chakiris, better known to me as Bernardo from West Side Story) who's an ex-med student, expelled for making LSD in the lab and selling it to students. After the rich father dies at sea trying to save Lana, Chakiris cooks up a scheme to drive Lana insane by slipping LSD in her pills and playing a tape with haunting suicidal/homicidal recordings on it; in her bedroom to drive her insane. Once she's out of the picture, he can marry the spoiled dumb ass (Karin Mossberg, who didn't do much else, a few Spanish movies) for her money. Her character is what I dislike about this movie the most. She acts completely mean and vindictive just because some guy she hardly knows convinces her that she needs her father's money NOW rather than waiting until she's 25 like the will states. I just can't sympathize with a character like that, yet it's played as if she's a victim as well. The ending doesn't really make any sense either, Chakiris just has a bad trip and Lana and Karin have themselves some step-bonding. Thee End. Whatever.

At this point I realized that I had inadvertently broken my horror-only vow for this month, so I said, "What the hell, time for some Van Damme"...

I was at my mom's house flipping through the channels. This is the only time I get to enjoy, or not enjoy the luxuries of cable. It's hit or miss with those over priced movie channels. For instance, before this gem came on you would have caught me watching Dutch starring Ed O'neal and Ethan Embry when he was 12 and still had a promising acting career, but I digress...

In my universe good and bad are inexplicably linked. For this reason, this may be the greatest movie ever made. The greatest bad movie that is. It almost magically comes full circle from bad to hilarious to "whoever wrote this is a comic GENIUS!". And let's face it, Van Damme has made some stinkers. Wonderfully tacky with his signature side-split and mullet.

For this to have surpassed Double Impact is truly a remarkable achievement.

Do you know what the best part of this movie is? No, not the one liners, not the ABSURD typical 90's action movie plot, not even the amazing fight sequence in the kitchen with a Penguin Mascot (though that one was DAMN close, VAN DAMME CLOSE [sorry]).

The highlight of this movie was of course Mr. Powers Boothe as my new favorite super villain...

At the end you get to see this handsome asshole wearing a really awkward blonde wig and moustache, and his death (not giving much away, this is a Van Damme movie so obviously the bad guy's gotta die) is the most sensational retarded Hollywood crap I've ever seen! I couldn't even believe it was happening.

I'd like to take this opportunity to express my love for this man. After Emerald Forrest, I was hooked. Hopelessly addicted to yet another brilliant underrated actor. And what a name, POWERS BOOTHE, could you think of a more power-ful name?

That's all for now!