UPMC to Create "Death Star" In Bloomfield

UPMC announced plans Thursday to create a $294 million research facility that officials for the health system say will focus on personalized medicine, the biology of cancer and aging, and crushing Highmark Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

The UPMC DEpartment of Aging, Therapy, Holistic medicine, SiTe for Advanced Research (DEATH STAR), scheduled for completion in late 2014, is expected to create 375 new scientific and administrative jobs, including several thousand construction contractors. The project will include a $3 million renovation of the old Ford Motor Co. building on Baum Boulevard on the Bloomfield-Shadyside border and a laser gun capable of destroying a planet.

Chief Financial Officer Robert A. DeMotti said in a press statement "This facility will be the ultimate power in the universe." 

In leaked emails, however, Executive Vice President Jeff Vader told DeMotti "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a competitor is insignificant next to the power of forcing our customers to use our providers."  Vader also raised concerns that if Highmark obtained a complete report about the center, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it in a lawsuit, supporting their claim that UPMC has a de facto monopoly in the region's health care, adding that he found DeMotti's lack of corporate governance "disturbing". 

CEO Jeffrey A. Palpatine has been in Harrisburg this week, working to dissolve the State Senate bill 203 permanently, which would sweep away the last remnants of the old state health care system, giving the Governor direct control.

Both Palpatine and Vader have been criticized by public policy advocates for their dark sided approach to the massive non-profit, which began as an outgrowth over a battle to producing similar populations of genetically identical individuals in laboratory conditions at the University of Pittsburgh.  Since then, UPMC has grown to encompass a large section of Oakland and the Outer Rim Territories. 

The "Death Star", when fully armed and operational, will probably be used to acquire or destroy other hospitals that are part of the rebellious West Penn Allegheny Health System. 

Many Bothans died to bring us this information. 

John Verbanac Responds to Acklin Debate Allegations

Cranberry businessman John Verbanac today denied allegations that he was, in fact, exerting influence on the Ravenstahl administration.

In a televised debate last night, candidate for mayor Kevin Acklin suggested proof that Mr. Verbanac was a Dark Lord of the Sith, as evidenced by emails intercepted by Bothan spies.

"Such accusations are baseless," said Verbanac in a written statement, "I am just an old man and a Senator from the Sovereign System of Naboo."

These denials were immediately rebutted by the Acklin campaign, who has evidence that both Verbanac's aprentices were slain by Jedi in mysterious circumstances: former advisor Dennis J. Regan was found sliced in two at the bottom of a shaft on Mr. Verbanac's home planet, and Patrick Ford's severed head was found after a confrontation with Chief of Staff Yarone Zober. According to Acklin, both had become "extraneous" to Verbanac's plans, and were allowed to die.

Kevin Acklin today released a statement indicating that Verbanac held key influence over the hiring and firing of city employees, the crafting of city policy, and is secretly creating an "ultimate weapon" in the form of some sort of moon.

Several Jedi have anonymously offered their opinion that the Mayor has been under the influence of a Dark Lord for some time, although they say that the dark side is clouding their vision of who this Dark Lord actually is.

Emails released make a veiled reference to an "Order 66," which was to be carried out should the Mayor win the November election.

Pittsburgh City Council has begun hearings on the issue, and is expected to refer the matter to a committee.

Business Casual Friday

From our "What the Hell?" Files:

Star Wars Bagpipes

Yeah, I don't know either.

Business Casual Friday

We've been busy this week trying to return several thousand dollars worth of gifts from Lamar Advertising, so we apologize for any perceived lack of posts. Who knew it would be so hard to return 456 Cuban cigars and a 12,000 sq. ft. LED sign?

So, to make up for it we present:

Death Star Canteen Scene
(done with Legos and Eddie Izzard)



Enjoy!

Development Plans

Last week, if you were paying attention, you would have heard that the City is embarking on a new unified development plan:

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said that, in the past, the city usually dished out development dollars based largely on prior years' funding levels. "Maybe they're not being allocated the way they should be," he said. "We need to make decisions based on real, hard numbers."

We here at the Angry Drunk Bureaucrat, at great personal peril, have managed to sneak out a copy of the Mayor's first draft of this plan.*


Click picture to embiggen.

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

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*We apologize that the image is sideways, but our intern "Z" couldn't figure out how the friggin' scanner works.

Transcript of Yarone Zober's Announcement of City Mass Resignations

ZOBER: The Departmental Directors will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Mayor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Administration have been swept away.

RICH LORD (Post-Gazette): That's impossible! How will the Mayor maintain control without the bureaucracy?

ZOBER: The Mayor now has direct control over the City. Fear will keep the departments in line. Fear of this Administration.

MICHAEL HASCH (Tribune-Review): And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this Administration, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it.

UNNAMED SITH LORD: The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.

DOVEN: Any attack made by the Rebels against this Administration would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the region. I suggest we use it!

ZOBER: Enough of this! No further questions!

Grand Moff Zober and Unnamed Sith Lord