Roll Call of the States...

Just a few observations about the role call vote at the DNC Convention -- the only time anyone actually cares about Guam.

Democrats Abroad, apparently, are allowed to split their votes in half. Must be Swiss.

Glad you could show up Florida.

Do the Hawai'ians have to wear leis everywhere they go?

Illinois passes.

Kansas is apparently famous only for being the home of Obama's grandparents.

Minnesota is really, really proud of their women's collage hockey team.

Nobody cares about Norman Maclean, Montana. Nobody.

Hey look! There's a black person in the New Hampshire delegation.

New Jersey made it a point to highlight the fact that they are the home to the Superbowl champions (read: "Suck it Massachusetts").

Everybody and their mother in New Mexico yields the floor to Illinois.

Illinois yields to New York... who hands off to Hillary Clinton, blindsiding Gov. David Patterson. She fades back...

And...

And...

Moves that the convention suspends the rules and moves that Obama be selected by acclamation.

And it's in the HOLE! It's in the HOLE! Do you believe in miracles?!? Elvis has just left the building.

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Almost looked like a real convention there for a moment... and then they started playing "Love Train," drowning out Nancy Pelosi.

Ickes Named to Mathematics Chair

Cambridge, MA (AP) - Former Clinton Chief of Staff and current Hillary Clinton supporter Harold Ickes has been named to the prestigious Mittag-Leffler Mathematics Chair at Harvard University for his recent work on the practical application of recipriversexclusonary numbers.

In a press release, Mr. Ickes said that he is pleased with the appointment and would use the position to break down the barriers between rational and imaginary numbers.

Professors at Harvard University, in their letter of appointment, noted Mr. Ickes' proof at the recent DNC Rules Committee meeting that 175 was greater than 600,000 and that 12,217,745 was greater than 12,891,604 for certain large values of 12,217,745. Mr. Ickes later went on to prove that Ms. Clinton has an infinite number of votes and should, therefore, be accorded the Democratic nomination.*

Professor Noam Elkies called Mr. Ickes appointment a "new chapter in the world of mathematics."

Recipriversexclusonary mathematics were first pioneered by theoretical mathematician Douglas Adams in his book Life, the Universe, and Everything as a "number whose existence can only be defined as being anything other than itself."

Just as Albert Einstein's general relativity theory observed that space was not an absolute but depended on the observer's movement in time, and that time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute...

The appointment has been seen in academic circles as exculpation for the firing of another Clinton aide Lawrence Summners as University President after he argued that women are just "no good at math."

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* Given that Clinton has won 13,403,104 in popular vote (including Michigan and Florida), which is an even number, and given that the votes themselves were awarded oddly, and given that the only "number" that can be both odd and even is infinity, Clinton must, therefore, have an infinite number of votes. Q.E.D.

Onorato, Ravenstahl Endorse George Clinton

In what is being billed as "a cunning political stunt," the Mayor of Pittsburgh and the Allegheny County Chief Executive have thrown their weight behind funk rocker George Clinton in the 2008 Pennsylvania Primary.

Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference, Mayor Ravenstahl said that Mr. Clinton was "the energy that this party needed to turn this mother out."

"This is a chance to dance our way out of our constrictions... Ready or not here we come, getting down on the one which we believe in. One nation under a groove, getting down just for the funk of it," adding, "Can I get in on my good foot? Good God!"

Mr. Onorato concurred, calling Mr. Clinton's proposed health care and foreign policy proposals "Supergroovalisticprosifunkstic".

Clinton, who is regularly cited as one of the most important funk musicians in that genre, did not return phone calls.

Clinton associate Bootsy Collins, Assistant Professor of Political Science and Funk at Princeton University, called the endorsement an opportunity to bridge the rhetorical divide between races, classes, and parties and an unparalleled chance to "blow the roof off this mothersucker."

Thousands of Clinton supporters today rallied in Market Square, chanting "We want the funk! Give up the funk!"

Candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton (no relation) released brief statements to the media. Ms. Clinton expressed disappointment, and, referencing her strong polling numbers, called on Ravenstahl and Onorator to "Give the people what they want, when they wants, and they wants it all the time." Clinton surrogate Geraldine Ferraro, on MSNBC today, repeated the claim that Parliament-Funkadelic was not even a legitimate political party.

Mr. Obama's statment merely stated that it was his campaign that could give the people "what they were funking for."

The Pennsylvania Presidential Primary is scheduled for April 22nd.

Pennsylvania - America Starts Here (2008 Edition)

We're only less than a week into the 2008 Democratic Campaign for Pennsylvania and I already want to stick an ice pick up through my nostrils so that I might bring on the sweet, sweet relief of death. Although, with my luck I'll end up in front of the Pearly (or Infernal) gates with St. Peter (or Satan) wearing a Ron Paul sticker (or a Ron Paul sticker).

I have completely lost all tolerance for national political campaigning. I don't watch a whole lot of TV (well, US TV that is), so I haven't seen a lot of ads, and I know that the candidates haven't been in town yet, so I haven't seen any of them in person yet, but there's just really something that is completely off-putting about this campaign season.

Take a look at the rancor on the local political blog seen if you want a hint of what I'm talking about.

Here's the thing: I think, in the grand scheme of things, Pennsylvania is just going to be a drop in the bucket in the delegate hunt.

The way the NY Times is seeing it, both candidates still need over 500 delegates to win. Now, there are 566 delegates left to claim (excepting, of course, those bastards in Michigan and Florida), which means that if each candidate got, say, 50% of those delegates, no one would be able to claim the nomination in the first round.

This may make for exciting convention politics (and it does), but the agressive campaigning leaves the Party worse for wear.

This is a classic Prisoner's Dilemma for Obama and Clinton: if both attack each other, the GOP gets more ammo for November and both lose (0,0); if Obama attacks Hillary, Obama wins (10,0); if Hillary attacks Obama, Hillary wins (0,10); if neither attacks each other, the result is, at best, uncertain, but the party remains strong (5,5). Both candidates not pressing an advantage results in a second best outcome for both candidates, but a far better outcome than if they tried to.

So, I propose a moratorium on intra-party attacks while both candidates are in the Commonwealth. This is not to say that neither candidate is not allowed to attack another candidate, but rather that both candidates should be attacking their presumptive rival: John McCain.

John McCain right now is lurking like that slow, fat kid in dodgeball: back, way behind the line, cowering in a corner, waiting for one of the final two players to off the other so that he can sneak up an hit the winner with a sucker shot.

I assume that most Democrats in PA are like me: they have their preferred candidate, but if their preferred candidate does not win, we will all go to the polls and pull the Democratic lever in the booth.

(Hmmm... I suppose that description is out of date. How about: "Go behind the partial partitioned booth/screen and hit the Democratic electronic button.")

If nothing else, a gentleman's (gentleperson's?) agreement between the candidates will save the paramedics from having to try to pry an ice pick from my skull on or before April 21.

Ravenstahl: "I feel like the prettiest girl at the ball"

The Post-Gazette is reporting that both the Clinton and Obama campaigns are a-courting our young mayor for his endorsement going into the April 22nd primary, which is, I suppose, somewhat akin to divorcing parents fighting over the love of their only child. Lord knows, if Hillary gives Luke a Wii, Obama's going to give him a PSP; if Obama takes him to the beach, Hillary's going to take him to Disney World. And much like all broken marriages, the kid will make his choice only to be abandoned by the "winning" parent some months later, and eventually show up on Jerry Springer as a transvestite prostitute with mommy/daddy issues.

I think it important to note here, that I am in no way suggesting that Mr. Ravenstahl wears women's underwear*... as far as I know.

The funny thing is, of course, that because Lukey has become a rather polarizing figure in Pittsburgh Politics, and that whoever he endorses will be laden with the baggage of being "Ravenstahl endorsed." That is, if you don't mind being linked with what some voters consider an underqualified, politically and nepotistically connected, accident to the seat of power.

You know, like George W. Bush.

Anyway, I think Luke's obvious choice for endorsement is going to be Clinton, mostly because she's already gotten the nod from the ACDC... and not because she's affiliated with that guy that took Luke to NYC.

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*/singing/
I'm Luke Ravenstahl and I'm OK!
I sleep all night and I work all day...