Local Man Doesn't Understand Why Government Project Isn't Done Already

Amid news that the Port Authority is mere weeks away from completing the much touted (and much maligned) North Shore Connector, local man Ron Seibert held a press conference today decrying the fact that it was taking so long.

Flanked by a contingent from the Pittsburgh Myopticon Society, Mr. Seibert vented his frustrations to reporters.

"The Port Authority has been working on the North Shore Connector since 1994. What's the friggin' hold up already? Why didn't this get done, like 10 years ago. Seriously, how hard is it to dig a hole?"

Mr. Seibert's views were shared by others in the audience.

"You know, for all the time they have spent digging the tunnel, they could have extended the light rail to where I live in McMurray," said a Mr. Rod Davis. "I mean, that's like a piece of cake; it's like right there".

The multi-million dollar project has come under fire since its initial planning phase in the 1990s, with many people referring to it as a "boondoggle" or a "tunnel to nowhere".

PAT project engineer Hubert F. Horder defended the project.

"These things take time. It's not like we have some sort of magic wand here at the Port Authority. We can't just make a wish, and suddenly plans and specifications and rights-of-way and materials suddenly appear. We don't have a genie that grants exceptions from EPA requirements or a fairy that gives us DoT fund. We don't pounce around on unicorns singing 'La-De-Da-De-Da-De-Dah!' nakedly dancing around a magic fire while elves and dwarves do our bidding! We're Engineers and Accountants and Bureaucrats dammit! We don't even know what magic is!"

Mr. Horder's explanation, however did not sway Mr. Seibert.

"Even though I have no idea how Federal funding allocations, geology, or transportation engineering works, I'll bet me and my brother Steve could have had that extension up and running in like a week and a half".

Adding to the Noise

Per Maria's post, I think I'm going to go to Specter's Town Hall meeting and heckle Arlen. Of course, in order to lighten the mood and throw everyone off, I think I'm only going to shout out positive things or non sequitors.

For example:

* "HEY ARLEN! I HOPE YOU MAKE A FULL RECOVERY FROM YOUR CANCER! I WISH YOU WELL!"

* "I BELIEVE THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS BORN IN HAWAI'I!"

* "DOES ANYONE HAVE CHANGE FOR THE PARKING METER?!"

* "PUPPIES WITH BIG EYES ARE CUTE!"

* "I REFUSE TO STOP SHOUTING UNTIL I'M FINISHED SHOUTING!"

* "HAVE YOU ACTUALLY READ THE BILL, SENATOR? DID YOU NOTICE THAT ON PAGE 156 THERE WAS A PUNCTUATION ERROR ON LINE THREE? CAN YOU GET THE PRINTERS TO FIX THAT IN THE FINAL VERSION OF THE BILL?"

* "I DON'T WANT TO START ANY TROUBLE SO I'M GOING TO SIT DOWN AND LISTEN TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY!"

* "I HAVE AN AWESOME BEAN DIP RECIPE THAT I'M WILLING TO SHARE. SEE ME AFTER THE MEETING IF YOU'RE INTERESTED!"

* "SENATOR! MY WIFE DIDN'T THINK THAT I COULD MAKE A SPECTACLE OF MYSELF AT THIS MEETING! DO YOU THINK I HAVE, OR DO I HAVE TO DROP AN ETHNIC SLUR?!"

* "I'M AFRAID OF WHAT THIS COUNTRY IS BECOMING, SENATOR: A LONG DRAWN OUT MARCH TOWARDS ENTROPY AND EVENTUAL HEAT DEATH IN A COLD UNFEELING UNIVERSE!"

* "HOW CAN I SIT ON ONE OF THESE DEATH PANELS, SENATOR?"

* "THE NAZIS HAD FREE HEALTH CARE TOO! YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ALSO HAD? MANDATORY MARCHING! ARE WE GOING TO GET MANDATORY MARCHING, SENATOR, BECAUSE HONESTLY THESE GYM MEMBERSHIP FEES ARE KILLING ME AND I CAN'T FIND THE TIME TO EXERCISE REGULARLY!"

* IF CANADIANS LOVE THEIR SINGLE PAYER SYSTEM SO MUCH, WHY DON'T CANADIAN HOCKEY PLAYERS HAVE MORE TEETH?

And so on...

I also plan to hold up a sign that reads "No evil government subsidized corn, Agnes!"

That'll confuse 'em.

Dennis Davin is my Hero

Allegheny County Economic Development Executive Director Dennis Davin is the greatest person in the history of Bureaucracy. Mr. Davin has correctly identified that the problem with public service is, in fact, the public. Mr. Davin has taken a creative step to deal with this problem. The only pitty is that he got caught.

"Maybe if we start ignoring the customers, they'll stop bugging us."

I love you Mr. Davin.

---
This Post brought to you by: St. Dennis Davin

Guidelines for Government Inaction

Minor annoyances first thing Monday Morning:

(1) If you're going to call me to discuss a matter of utmost urgency, don't call my office on Saturday. I understand that if you work 40 hours a week, you may not have time to talk during the weekday. Given the current state of Labor relations in this country and the general pull of the Labor unions at the beginning of the last century, I am also working a 40 hr. work week. [Suprise! Suprise!] I have a life outside work, you know. People that call before 8 AM, after 5PM, during lunch, or on Weekends, don't really want to talk to a human being, for, if they truly wanted to talk to someone, they might want to try and call during, let's say, business hours.

(1.b.) If you're going to call me to discuss a matter of utmost urgency on Saturday at 10AM, don't call back at 10:30 AM. Not at 11 either, or 12, or 1. Take the hint people: I am not here

(2) If you're going to call me to discuss a matter of utmost urgency, it would be helpful to me if you would explain what this "urgency" is, rather than leaving a rambling message about "how we need to talk" or to "give us a call back." If you want a productive dialogue, try giving me some information so that I can be prepared to, I don't know, help solve your problem.

So, because of (1), (1.b), and (2) listed above, I have no real desire to return this call.

---
This post brought to you by: Cup of Coffee #3