Wednesday, December 08, 2010
New blog @ ailesdanges.wordpress.com!:)
Posted by Jessica at Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Time to collect my thoughts and move on. To move on from all that has happened because there are more important people in my life, such as family, who require my care and concern in times like these.
I realised I may have loved someone but didnt realise it in time in the past. It may had been so but as said, it's all passé. To fully understand that there's nothing more left than the memories, I felt a sense of loss and regret for the same person I thought I had left behind after all the hurts.
Without a doubt, he has been my best guy friend who had been there for all the many times that I needed someone. The emotional reliance grew to such an extent that it scared me. I would want to be there when he wants to scream and vice versa. But, the walls between us seemed to be impenetrable.
But, I guessed all is over now and the only thing I need to do is move right on ahead. Jess! U CAN DO IT!
Posted by Jessica at Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Blind faith. Faith in humans. Faith in the constructs and restrictions imposed by humans. Faith in the human interpretations of the Bible to impose Their ideas and values.
Intolerable.
Posted by Jessica at Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The disappointments. The Greece trip that fell thru was insignificant compared to the damage inflicted from the people whom i know. I have opened my heart to many before until I got tired. Weary of hoping, of thinking this could be the one, this could be the place where i can be myself.
Finding God again provided me with the anchor that I desperately seek but couldnt grasp. Through the turmoils and disappointments dealt to me from all aspects, I had God, a good support from the church and a good friend with me. Firstly, God has been faithful and I am thankful. Secondly, the good support from church has been very disappointing. I may be rash in saying this since I am not very calm nor rational in my thinking now. But, the ridiculity of the entire episode ticked me off and threw me off balance.
Thirdly, my good friend. This is a guy whom I thought that I could finally depend on to be consistent, to be there when I need him to be, to be rational and explain things that I am ignorant about, to guide when I am lost. I think I have depended too much on him. Too much on a someone who will soon pass from my life like many others had. The relationship between us is: unclear. I may care too much for this single guy fren, depended on him too much for advices and to be there when I need him to be. I should realise how dangerous this could be.
Opening my heart to such an extent to a person has been unprecendented. It was disappointing when he realised the misjudgments of the elders of the church but still continued to submit to them. This is someone whom I have looked up to, listened to for advices, ran to when I need someone to cry to. God was there for me in my spiritual needs and he is there when i need to complain. Now, i think the best solution to the entire episode will be to drift away. The disappointments that I am feeling emanated from the church and from him. Both are equally suffocating.
It chokes me constantly whenever i think about the church or about him. The slight tingling sour feeling that the heart feels when you watch heart wrenching, albeit cheesy, touching scenes lingered.
I am no longer angry but very sad. I could imagine looking at his eyes and just cry. Maybe I should have guarded my heart even better than this. Why havent I learnt? The only time that I felt this way was when something similar happened with a very very good girl fren. I held on to the unshed tears for 2 years, until I realised, I could no longer care for her the same as I could before. Then, i realised, I have lost a fren along with those unshed tears and unsaid words. And now, I am feeling exactly the same. Exactly the same.
I dun think he will ever know, since i dun intend to say anything to him. But, this is wad happened for those who read my blog from time to time. I need a hug, I need a shoulder to cry on. The one that I could cry on has disappeared along with many other things.
Posted by Jessica at Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
I do not understand. simply do not understand.
I am pissed. very pissed.
That's all for today, enough for now.
Posted by Jessica at Monday, April 26, 2010
This is a random note from a random train ride after a not-so-random exam. Here goes.
A fragment of the past caught in the flow of time. Clinging on like a crab. The harder you try to pry open and get away, the tighter it grips onto you. When the presence of the fragment becomes a part of your subconscious mind, the mental battle carries on without the knowledge of the conscious state. The mind suppresses the fragment of a memory, only allowing it to surface in moments of wealnesses.
The tear ducts are non-existent since crying seemed to turn the otherwise calm facade into that of a wailing baby. Peace, a prerogative of innocent young minds, became the eventual mask over the throngs of turmoil that may be raging underneath. This act of self denial is apparent even to the conscious ego. The subconscious mind immersed itself in the emotioanl turmoils and emptiness of the spirit. The conscious, is fully consious of the subconscious mind. It creates an impenetrable mask to guard against the world; a face of smiles and nonchalence.
Sometimes and the frequencies increase with age, the conscious mind is fooled repeatedly into a feeling of happiness and content. This is wad life should be, it fools itself and is fooled. Let's define what should a life be. I consciously write this under the possible influences of the subconscious mind. So am i conscious? But who cares and here goes (again).
The desire to peel away from the mundance is present bu the presence of a group of people called family and friends prevented this extreme pining from becoming a reality. The fear of habits and routines for the past many donkey years prevented this from materialising.
Now we are on yet another topic: habits. Very intesting phenomenon that our minds create for the lives we lead. Habits are things we are used to doing. Whether we like it or not. Whether we like it or not. I repeat. The mind merely conforms to habits and routines like an OCD patient. We are closet OCDs actually. The comfort of predicting what we are going to do in this totally unpredictable era draws us to doing things the same way, over and o'er again. The random things we do throws us off balance. Many of us do not like it, but i love it. The habit of not doing things the way everyone does it or doing the same thing every other time got its grip on me like the crab memory fragment analogy said earlier. Oh, it's another habit of the mind again.
And finally, I like the way this is constructed. Random is the word. No restriction to the way I should think so as to deliver a coherent article that everyone is used to. Pardon my habit of not conforming to your habit(s). It broadens the plethora of possibilities that I can infer from while reading this a second time, or perhaps a third time. But, perhaps, not ever again.
Posted by Jessica at Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
I have an urge to get a notebook. A physical, old-school, perhaps stylish, but otherwise normal note-book. The sudden urge to write something on the train rides, in between waiting for a friend, when i am bored, when i am alone amidst the throngs of people milling around.
With the worst hand-writing in the world, it would probably turn out to be just like a leaflet from a doctor's prescription slip. But at the very least, it should provide some insights to what i was thinking during those periods of in-betweens. Some random thoughts can be so random that the brain does not register nor remember, often true for a brain that is taxed with information beckoning from the lecture notes.
The environment restricts the mind. Imagine: walking along the streets of Paris (ignore the snobs, the pigeons, the cluttered streets), sit on a park bench overlooking a big field filled with Parisiens enjoying the spring, enjoying the sun, enjoying the wind. Write. Now, many possibilities for the choice of topic. Just pick from anyone you see, anything you fancy. Weather, people, a pebble, a leaf. N'importe quoi!
Again. Imagine: stuck in a 5x5m room, in front of a computer and a printer. Overlooking the next apartment block. Restricted view. Write. It taxes the imagination since that is the only recluse the mind can hide into.
When i get my note-book, when i do, it should be interesting.
Posted by Jessica at Monday, April 19, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sometimes I get tired of the social lives we have to upkeep and want to hide somewhere to recuperate. Sometimes the monotonous nature of everyday life bores me, and I want to run back and participate in the social lives (of others). Often, the sense of emptiness persisted in both extremes. It is hard to maintain a balance.
I am a social animal. I like crowds. I like people miling around.
I am a loner. I like to stone in my room the entire day. I like to stay away from everyone. Just me, a book and a cuppa.
DO you see the tensions of opposites? I always stress on the tension of opposites. Too much of anything makes you yearn for the exact opposite. For me, this happened all in a day. Too much.
I stayed away from the dance people due to work, school and change of studios. I wanted to get back in the circle, so I thought joining the perf team will be a great idea. Wrong. The feeling of the perf team is all wrong, all wrong. Probably the presence of the person makes it feel all wrong.
In all things that mattered, i came back feeling all empty but also convinced of what i do not want. Perhaps the emptiness resulted from the realisation that I wont want to be back in the circle again. The circle is closed. So is the circus.
Till then..
Posted by Jessica at Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Fear of presentations, talking in public, singing in public, of not doing well, of this and of that. But the greatest fear should be that of the human heart.
I have tried to get close to different individuals but the results are still the same, therefore it has a high statistical reliability.
We judge, hang on to grudges with claws and teeth, bury our grudges somewhere deep and shout it out to the world that "it is forgiven and all is well". In actual fact, we are still grouchy and grumpy.
I am not in the mood to write anymore.
Posted by Jessica at Sunday, March 07, 2010