a few of my favorite things

On things and the having of things, I am torn. I'm not materialistic and I try not to buy things I don't need or things that are not useful. I have a fuck ton of movies, but my excuse is that I write about movies. Still, I'm a trader-inner of video games, movies, and books as I'd rather have a few that I love rather than a bunch I never touch. But! I have some horror-related things around that I truly adore- things that may be replaceable, but I'd be a bit devastated if they disappeared from my life. I'm a little bit ashamed of feeling that way about stuff, but then again perhaps it's okay to enjoy things. Oh, how the battle rages within my soul! Anyway. Here are the horror-related things I love most in this workaday world, because I feel like making a list and being self-indulgent. Hooray!

1. My beloved Freddy Krueger candle

This thing is so ridiculous, but his beefy lips and Chiclet teeth make my day every time I see them. Given to me by a friend who would not (or could not) divulge where he got it.

2. Secrets in the Shadows: The Art & Life of Gene Colan

I saved up my pennies to nab a copy of this limited-edition hardcover (1000 copies)! The amazing Gene Colan took sketch requests for about 50 people, and I was one. The gorgeous Dracula above is inside the cover. Da-rool.

3. The Polaroid of me and Adrienne Barbeau

Met her at a signing for her autobiography There Are Worse Things I Could Do and she was so damn nice. It's a totally goofy picture and we had fun taking it- two people holding a giant Polaroid camera always makes for a lovely time. And yes, my face really is that yellow.

4. The tape of my interview with Marilyn Burns

Aside from the pure delight at sitting in a hotel room talking with Marilyn fucking Burns, this interview was a personal milestone in a few ways: first, I'm fairly sure this was the first face-to-face interview I'd done with anyone (save the one with my gramma for my 7th grade Social Studies class). Second, though it originally appeared in a Q & A format on Pretty/Scary, a revamped, rewritten, and longer version of the interview was published in Sirens of Cinema magazine, marking my first foray into the magical world of "print". I tape over interviews after I've transcribed them, but this one I'll keep. And yes, I use cassettes. I love showing up at roundtables and plunking down my big-ass Radio Shack tape recorder amidst the micro-sized, fancy mp3 recorders the kids use today.

5. My copy of Fangoria #10

I talked about this puppy way back when I first started talking about the awesomeness of 1981. I've got a bunch of genre mags around, new and old, but Fango #10 kind of sums up my childhood relationship with horror. Gross pictures, cartoons, Hammer movies, slasher movies, Count Fango...I tells ya, it's magic with staples running down the spine.

6. My Black Christmas DVD...

...signed by Margot Kidder. At conventions (and, I suppose, elsewhere) autographs are fairly pricy. Because I am not rich, I tend to be both picky AND choosy about the ones I get. Way back before the remake was even a fart in the brain of whoever farted up that fart of a remake and Black Christmas was still kind of on the down-low, I handed her my DVD amidst all the Superman fans handing her pictures of Lois Lane to sign, and she was surprised anyone even remembered the movie. Say what? Black Christmas is the shit. I'd actually like to get it signed by the rest of the cast members, even Mrs. MacHenry, even though Marian Waldman is dead.

7. My Exorcist mini-poster...

...signed by Linda Blair. Again, yes I'll pay- it's Linda GD Blair! But what I love most about it is...well, look what I made her write. She's aces in my book. Of course, she always was, so I guess she's...more aces now.

8. My horror village

Because my mom is the raddest, she buys me retarded horror stuff, like this horror village. You know, it's like one of those Christmas villages, but this time it's (you guessed it) horror. There's Nancy's Elm Street house, Stately Leatherface Manor, the Dawn of the Dead mall...all kinds of cool stuff with little mini Jasons and Michaels and Leatherfaces and Hari Krishna zombies. We have them all lined up next to each other on a shelf so it looks like Freddy and Jason are neighbors. It's awesome and I love it.

9. Curtains on VHS

I've talked about this, too- a VHS copy of a mediocre (with a few fucking GREAT scenes) out-of-print slasher movie is one thing. A VHS copy of a mediocre (with a few fucking GREAT scenes) out-of-print slasher movie that you bought at Tori Spelling's yard sale is quite another. I'm still not sure that all really happened.

10. Tomb of Dracula #1-70

It took me a few years to assemble a complete run of Marvel's Tomb of Dracula, but dammit I did it in true comic nerd style, scrounging through boxes at shops and cons. A few issues are in stellar condition, a few are in crappy condition, but I don't care. It's the first complete run of anything I've ever collected (beyond, you know, a 10-issue run or whatevs), and it'll likely be the last. Meeting writer Marv Wolfman and artist Gene Colan and asking them to sign my copy of #69, the first comic I ever bought, was a thrill.

Well, there you go. I like some stuff I have...so sue me. Or tell me about things you have that you treasure so I don't feel so lame.

Happy Birthday, Elvira!

Long may your haunted hills...err...wave.

She rules, plain and simple! Here's an interview I did with her...man, I had to work to control myself so I wouldn't geek out severely. I miss Movie Macabre like nobody's business.

briefs

Dudes, Stuff on VHS Week will begin momentarily! Thanks to all who voted. I was hoping that VHS would come in first...and since hope is a wish your heart makes (or something like that), my heart was psyched to discover it won by 3 votes! Whilst I work on the inaugural post, here are a couple of things to tide you over:

- It's possible that I need to link to my AMC columns in a more timely fashion. However, you can go back in time and read last week's column by clicking this link! Such is the magical power of The Internet. It's kinda sorta about stuff that shouldn't be scary, but is- unexpected horrors and the such. You know, like Pee Wee's Big Adventure. What innocuous movie do you find frightening? Don't say Showgirls, because Showgirls is effing awesome...although I'll admit, the violent hot tub humping is rather scary.

- Recently I conducted a brief phone interview with Shawnee Smith, she of the Saw franchise, she of Summer School (I inexplicably love that movie), she of the music duo Smith & Pyle.

- Over at Shock Till You Drop, there's a big fat report from the set of The Descent 2. I didn't read it because I intend to remain blissfully ignorant, but I figured I'd pass it along. That's just how I am.

- For reasons unknown, I've been thinking a lot about the movie Pieces lately. I suppose I should just watch it again to get it out of my system. Here's a...well, I don't think it's a trailer, exactly. Featured amongst the clips, however, is the skateboarding into a big mirror sequence. It's radness.

RIP Stan Winston

What a total shock: FX guru Stan Winston died yesterday as a result of multiple myeloma. I had no idea that he was ill, never mind that he'd been battling it for seven years. I had the pleasure of meeting him last August during the Skinwalkers press junket and he was exactly as any fan would hope him to be: jovial and talkative. It was obvious even from spending a short amount of time with him that he was not only a true movie lover, but also someone who clearly loved what he did with his life. He was enthusiastic about continuing to work in practical FX, he was jazzed about his latest work, and if it weren't for the damn publicists hurrying him up he probably would have yakked all night.

His accomplishments in film are incredibly impressive, his contributions to the horror and sci fi genres are nothing short of astonishing, and he's largely responsible for the magic behind some of my favorite films: Terminator 2, Aliens, Wrong Turn, Pumpkinhead...the list goes on and on. The man made everything from dinosaurs to alien queens to superheroes come alive on screen. Watching a film Stan Winston had a hand in creating is almost like becoming a child again- you're transported to another world that looks and feels completely real; it's the very essence of escapist entertainment. To say he will be missed is a gross understatement. Thanks for all the fun, Stan.

Listen to your mama

Yesterday I was talking on the phone with my mom, and because my mom is awesome we ended up talking about The Strangers. She'd seen the TV spots and asked if I thought it was some sort of remake- not of the French film Ils (Them), which has been the popular (if misinformed) opinion, but rather if it was some sort of remake of "that Naomi Watts movie". I knew the spot she was talking about, the one where Liv Tyler asks the masked intruders "Why are you doing this?" which, of course, is a question central to Michael Haneke's Funny Games. I picked up on that and immediately thought of Haneke's film, but I figured that it was maybe a coincidence- or at least, I was hoping it was.

I've been psyched about The Strangers since last year because, unlike at least 87% of the other horror previews I've seen, it looked like it would probably be scary. The original teaser poster, as we all know, has a kickass retro vibe that only added to my excitement.


It's almost impossible to tell what a movie will actually be like (or even about) based on trailers and posters, obviously, but now it seems that my mom wasn't so far off: the promotional machine behind The Strangers is undoubtedly trying to ride Michael Haneke's hump, as I discovered today over at Shock Till You Drop. Follow the yellow brick link and see what I mean.

I sure hope this is simply some kind of marketing ploy and The Strangers isn't mostly concerned with tying up Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman and poking them with pointy metal things and 'torturing' them. In my dreams, the film was...I don't know, I guess more subtle than that- more stalking than stabbing. I wasn't a huge fan of Ils, but what I did like was the cat and mouse aspect of it.

Again, who knows? I'm continuing to avoid clips and stills from The Strangers and hell, I only have to wait another week or so before I can finally see how it plays out on the big screen. It's just that this new ad campaign has me feeling like...well, you know when you have a crush on someone and you think that they're simply the coolest, most awesome best thing ever and you want to be around them every minute of the day and then something happens and you look at them and think "Aw man. You're just like everyone else, aren't you?" and you deflate a little bit? I kinda feel like that now.

The one I might have saved

Not so long ago, good ol' Arbogast wrote a little something titled "The one you might have saved", chronicling the hows and why fors as to which character from a horror film he, uh, would have saved given the chance. It's a great idea for a post; surely we've all been moved, from time to time, by a character's death, no? Not everyone who gets killed is a vapid nameless teen or that despicable jerk who really gets what's coming to him and we all cheer when he heads off to meet his maker (I'm looking at you, Paul Reiser in Aliens, you spineless coward jerk, you). Sometimes instead of "Yay! I can't stand Paul Reiser!" we yell out "No! Not him! Not her!" and we actually grieve a little bit for a fictional character who bites the big one.

After reading Arbogast's post, I began to ask myself "Gee, I wonder who I'd sa--", but I didn't even need to complete the thought before I knew my answer, before I realized who'd be the one I'd gladly help survive and get to safety if I could: poor old Barbra from George Romero's Night of the Living Dead.

Let me say right upfront: I adore this film. It's in my Top Ten or whatever number would actually make up the list of my all-time favorite horror movies. I think it's an absolute masterpiece of genre filmmaking, and in my opinion it's on the short list of Romero's best (the others being Dawn of the Dead and Creepshow, although my soft spot for Creepshow is so soft that I have no idea whether or not it's actually a good movie, you know?). Night of the Living Dead is all shock and far gorier than you remember it being; it's all exquisite lighting and camera angles; it's all horror with a bit of rotting meat on its bones, terrifying in its simplicity. Somehow, this film is one of the very few that I can always manage to watch with the mindset of the era in which it was made, and perhaps that's why it's one of my favorites, why it never fails to work for me, why I still get scared.

I always feel the tension ratchet up a notch when Johnny ghoulishly intones the immortal line "They're coming to get you, Barbra..." Zombies slowly shuffling through a remote cemetery in the Pennsylvania countryside still gets under my skin (side note: if there's one thing needed in the damn glut of zombie films being churned out every day, it's some fucking CEMETERIES). I can't stop hoping against hope that Tom and Judy will get the gasoline in the truck and get out, that they'll come back with help and rescue everyone trapped in the farmhouse. To this day, few scenes disturb me as much as the one in the basement when Karen attacks her mother with a garden trowel.

There, in the middle of the undead maelstrom is Barbra (Judith O'Dea), someone most viewers can't stand. After all, she does spend a good portion of the film either catatonic or like this:

No one wants to watch the one who can't cope with the horrifying situation, the one who can't simply snap out of it and kick ass, the one who can't comprehend what's happening and who won't do a thing about it...the one who, in all honesty, is the most like us. Sure, we all want to think we'd be like Ben, formulating plans, setting zombies on fire and punching out honky jerks- or, we'd like to be Barbra 2.0 (from Tom Savini's 1990 NotLD remake), totin' shotguns, kicking ass, and shooting honky jerks in the forehead. Though we'd like to think it's not true, however, somewhere deep inside we all know that chances are we'd be more like Barbra '68 and we hate that. That fear of weakness, of ultimately being useless when we're needed most or of finally getting with the program when it's too late translates not to empathy for the character, but rather to hatred for the character.

Not for me, though- she's the one I'd save.

Barbra's a good girl, dutifully making the long trek out to her father's grave to place a wreath every year without protest. She's a good girl who goes to church, who's always been easily spooked by her brother's teasing. It's no wonder Barbra flips out when she's suddenly- I mean very fucking suddenly- thrust into a situation beyond comprehension. In the span of, oh, an hour or so, she's attacked in the cemetery, she watches her brother get murdered, she's chased through the middle of nowhere, she finds a gooey corpse in a farmhouse, and eventually ends up holed away in said farmhouse as flesh-eating corpses try to break down the doors and get inside. Yeah, I think my wires would short-circuit, too- and I'm not exactly a good girl raised in the 1950s and/or easily spooked.

Eventually Barbra does lend a hand as the survivors try to defend themselves against the growing zombie horde's final siege. She grabs a board but it's too late, for by that point Night of the Living Dead has progressed into FUBAR-land, as all good zombie movies must. You know that point, when the plucky band of survivors finds out how very wrong they were to think that they had everything under control. Someone fucks up, a window breaks, a zombie gets into the fortress, and it's all over.

As we all know, Barbra meets her end thanks to her brother Johnny who's come back from the dead, driving gloves and all. Somehow he's found her, and my heart breaks every time he pulls Barbra out through the window to be devoured by the living dead, as the hands descend upon her and her screams and protests die away. Seriously, folks, Barbra meets a bad end. Granted, pretty much everyone in the film does- but Barbra's the first victim of the type we've come to expect in zombie movies: the person torn asunder while still alive. Generally this fate is reserved for the characters we kind of want to see die (like that nutter Captain Rhodes in Romero's Day of the Dead), not the ones we've been with from the beginning, not the good girl who's supposed to be the protagonist. It's just not fair, dammit. Still, when I watch Night of the Living Dead, I hope Barbra will elude Johnny's grasp, that her really fucked up day will go on a bit longer and she'll make it out of that farmhouse alive. I'd help her if I could.



At last weekend's Fangoria convention, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting Judith O'Dea and spending some time talking with her about Barbra, about independent filmmaking, about certain shots in NotLD, about a whole bunch of stuff. One of O'Dea's favorite shots in the film, incidentally, is this one:


I hate to say it, but I'd never really noticed the nice detail of the bullet-riddled cemetery sign before. I mentioned to her my intention of writing this post and why, how Barbra's always been one of my favorite characters, how it seems impossible that this film is 40 years old. O'Dea is someone I'd always wanted to meet, and hers was the only autograph I cared to get last weekend. Hopefully, if they DO get me, too, someone will write a post about how they would have saved me if they could.

Yeah, Night of the Living Dead is celebrating its 40th anniversary this year, and on May 20th a special edition DVD will be released. I can't wait to get my mitts on it; I've got a shitty copy of the film already- who doesn't? It's been in the public domain forever, and you can find copies of it for a buck practically everywhere from Rite Aid to Dollar Tree. This edition will be boasting some sweet bonus features (commentary tracks, documentaries, interviews) and, one hopes, restored audio and video. Now if only there'd be some long-forgotten alternate ending where Barbra makes it out alive...

Proving once and for all that I'm truly a nerd...

...(as if it hasn't been made clear 73075094 times in the past) this week at AMC's Monsterfest Blog I talk about horror comics that have hit the big screen.

Below I'm posting some pages from Tomb of Dracula #69, in particular the sequence I bring up in the column, the sequence that rocked my little socks B in the D. And excuse me, the third panel on the last page, page 27? Where the "dead ones laugh"? Fuck that. That's some GD scary shit. I'm telling you, this comic blew me the eff away no matter how many times I read it.

And yes, I got this issue signed by writer Marv Wolfman and the amazing amazing amazing penciller Gene Colan. I'm not one to get my comics signed, but this one is sort of special for me- it's the first comic book I remember buying (not this actual copy, mind you- that one is long gone) and it really helped put little Final Girl on the road to horror & comic...err, glory. Or something.

Holy crap, it smells like nerd in here.

Clicken ze images to embiggen, and check out a few horrifying pages from the penultimate issue of one of the finest horror comics ever produced.





If you want to read the series yourself- and I know you do- then I suggest picking up the first three volumes of Marvel's Essential Tomb of Dracula. Sure, the books are reprinted in black and white, but that only serves to make Colan's art more delicious. You can get the entire run- 70 issues!- for only a little more than cover price. I'm talking 1970's cover prices, babies! Whatta steal!

Volume One - Volume Two - Volume Three

There's even a Volume Four which reproduces many Dracula tales from other Marvel horror mags and includes killer art from the likes of heavyweights Colan, John Buscema, and Neal Adams.

Man, I should get some sort of endorsement fee or something. Meh. You know what? Making you happy is all the payment I need.

AWW, I SAY.

don't tell mom, the babysitter's hobnobbing with satanists

Unless you’re Paris Hilton, chances are when you hit your teens your parents put a stop to your weekly allowance and forced you to get a “real job”.

Wait, ARE you Paris Hilton? OMG hi! I totally saw you at the Scream Awards last year and you were, like, skipping down the hall and I thought that was funny. And I’ve totally copped your method for avoiding talking to people- you know, pretending to talk on your cell phone? Except I’m always forgetting my cell phone so I end up, like, talking into a fruit smoothie or my elbow and people look at me all funny. Are you and Nicole Richie still friends? I saw that episode of The Simple Life where you worked at Sonic for a day and it was—

Sorry, got off track for a second there*. The point is, jobs for teenagers tend to suck, don’t they? Retail this, fast food that, mow this, deliver that; no wonder teenagers are so damn sullen all the time. In my opinion, the worst of the worst job is the one that girls are most often saddled with: babysitting. If you’ve got kids, I’m sure they’re lovely. If you can relate to kids and you love babysitting, you’re awesome. Me? I just don’t really get ‘em- nor do I get the appeal of looking after someone’s kids for money. The idea of getting paid something like a dollar an hour to be saddled with the enormous responsibility of, you know, someone’s life is a bit much for me, even if the family should offer up “all the sodas you can drink!”

I say all of this after having successfully completed the Babysitter’s Training Course in 8th grade. Might I add, I even passed with flying colors- I emerged from the course with an arcane knowledge of snack mixes and I correctly circled “Call 911” in response to the question “What should you do if the baby explodes?” Regardless of my stellar performance, my certificate declaring me a competent babysitter didn’t inspire me to seek out work in that particular field as a teen- I chose the “retail hell” route instead. In fact, in my life I’ve babysat exactly one time...as an adult...for a co-worker who was in a real bind. I spent the day with her three ADD-riddled punkass brats and while it was happening, I wanted to kill myself. I came home with the migraine to end all migraines and something like $15 for my troubles. If I still had that stupid babysitting certificate lying around, I surely would have set it afire with only the power of my rage-filled thoughts!

As if that day weren't enough to put me further off of babysitting until the end of time (plus a week), then horror movies certainly would be. Hi, Laurie Strode, anyone? Or "Have you checked the children?" Babysitters, as a rule, do not fare well in the horror realm.

"Oh my God...there are children in the house?!"

Yesterday, Cinematical brought news of House of the Devil, a flick currently in production about a babysitter getting mixed up with a family of devil worshippers. Seriously, they had me at the devil-worshipping mom is played by Mary Woronov.

In my mind, this movie will be a throwback to an era when movies about Satan and Company were abundant and nonsensical. These kids today will deem House of the Devil "slow and boring", whilst I will deem it "atmospheric and awesome". The supernatural '70s will be back, baby- back in a big way! We'll see the DVD release of many weird and creepy thrillers such as The Haunting of Julia. The success of House of the Devil will show studio execs that original properties can rock and the remake train will derail for a little while. A seismic shift will occur in the world of horror moviemaking, and I can't wait!

So say we all.


*You know, I get off-topic and go all tangent-y here at Final Girl all the time. It's kind of what I do, though I'm not necessarily saying it's a good thing. Do you think it's a good thing, or do I ramble on about irrelevant crap so much that you get bored and confused? I'm always scolded gently reminded by editors at other websites for which I occasionally write that I need to stay on-topic more and be more precise. Is my style being hampered by The Man, or is my "style" only a "style" in my head? Has writing only to please myself- on a blog of all places- led to my growing a garden in desperate need of a trim? No, that's not a euphemism, yes, it probably doesn't make sense...and yes, I'd really like to know what you think.

Driving Miss Stacie

A couple of weeks ago I attended "Focus on Female Directors", an evening of short films, surprisingly enough, directed by women. The results were pretty much as could be expected from any evening of short films...in other words, I liked some of them and I thought some of them stunk. None of them qualified as anything remotely resembling horror, so sorry- that's all the reviewing I'm gonna do.

Nevertheless, I've got a point here, I swear. One of the shorts, In the Spotlight, featured screenwriter/actress/director Guinevere Turner, who just so happened to be in attendance that evening. After the films were over, there was a "reception" in the lobby that boasted free lousy wine and mingling. I spotted GT making a beeline for the door and boom, out she went. I was bummed because I wanted to, for lack of a better phrase, pull a Kelly Hu on her...and no, that's not a euphemism. The code for that is "pull a Waylon Flowers and Madame", silly. I just wanted to do the cheesy "Durr, hi, I like your work" thing with Ms Turner.

Luckily enough, she'd only bolted to grab a smoke and she was hanging outside by herself. With a "Let's go say hi!", I grabbed my friend Elissa and made for the door. Elissa, meanwhile, had no idea why I was so eager, so I clued her in. "Oh, you know who she is. She co-wrote American Psycho, The Notorious Bettie Page...she wrote *cough* uh, BloodRayne...she was in American Psycho..." Each film rang a bell and Elissa followed me outside. After said cheesy "Durr, hi, I like your work" we made some small talk. We mused about what was actually in the "Women's Empowerment Kit" that was raffled off that evening (I opened with "a box of maxi-pads" while Guinevere countered with "a lifetime membership to Curves") and eventually I asked if she'd be up...or down, or whatever...for a chat. She gave me her email address, promised she wouldn't be boring, and I told her that I'd hold her to that promise. What's worse than a boring interview? Anyway, Elissa congratulated me on my "brass ones" (she couldn't muster up much more than the opening "durr..." as we talked) and that was that.

After several emails trying to figure out logistics (should we do this over the phone? in person? where should we meet?), Turner suggested that I accompany her on a little trip a bit out of town so she could replace her cell phone- we could talk in the car. I think we can all agree that there's nothing in the world more exciting than running errands; surely running someone else's errands with them must be like heaven right here on earth! I asked if we could maybe do her grocery shopping as well, or perhaps she had some dry-cleaning to pick up? Yeah, we'd hit it off well enough that we reached an immediate sassing familiarity- the afternoon would be nothing if not a bit of a laugh, so why not go? Her phone needed replacing because of some big chain of events resulting from using it to take pictures of herself in the bathtub...or something like that. See, she's totally self-absorbed in that way I find immensely entertaining, much as I do with my friend Scott who has nothing but pictures of himself hanging on his walls and only wants children because he thinks he'd look really good driving a Land Rover with two children sitting in the backseat. It's oddly endearing to me.

"I'm Guinevere Turner...but what does it all mean, really?"

Anyway, off we went in search of a new cell phone. We got lost, stopped for directions three times, had some Subway, and ended up spending most of our hours together talking about our personal lives. I think I asked but two questions that were actually on my list, and even now I have no idea how to cobble together anything resembling a coherent "interview" from several hours worth of taped conversation...so I'm simply going to write down anything I find amusing, and I don't care if you find it dull. It's my blog, I can do whatever I want! You are so not the boss of me! But who knows, maybe you find this type of exchange (sitting in a strip mall parking lot, trying to decide where to ask for directions) as positively scintillating as I do:

GT: I wonder if the ladies at Lingerie Dreams can tell us anything.

SP: Ooh, lingerie "modeling".

GT: Maybe the nail salon...

SP: "Optical Dentist"? I'm confused.

GT: Glasses for your teeth. The sign says it all.

SP: I don't know if I'd trust any of these people for directions.

GT: No...although, what about the Payday Advance people? They tend to know what's up. They're all business. They're not there to shoot girls in lingerie...

SP: Or put glasses on teeth.

Incidentally, the Payday Advance people did not know what was up and we were quickly lost again...

SP: So why screenwriting?

GT: Oh, Jesus.

SP: Dude, I don't know anything about you. I have to ask at least one boring question. Were you into writing as a kid...?

GT: You know what I hate more than anything? People who are like "I've been putting on plays since I was five years old" and "I've been directing films since I was six months old". Like...no. But in actual fact, I have been writing since I was very young.

SP: Riiiight.

GT: Not screenplays, though, because I didn't even understand what a screenplay was until I was, like, 20. I never even thought about it. I was an avid journal keeper when I was a kid- the year between when I was 9 and 10, I have something written down for every single day of that year. It is a fascinating thing if you're incredibly self-involved. I studied fiction writing in college...yes, I've always been a writer. It's a sort of natural extension of my being, to write stuff, to have ideas and to make stuff up or write down things that people have said to me, or to do some combination of the two. I decided to write a screenplay because I wanted to write a lesbian movie...

Guinevere prays to her god Yog-Sothoth

That "lesbian movie", of course, is 1994's Go Fish, the lite drama Turner co-wrote with director Rose Troche. Turner stars as Max, a young lesbian looking for love while spending a lot of time talking with her friends...and that's pretty much the extent of it. Love it or hate it, Go Fish was undeniably groundbreaking as part of that mid-'90s wave (along with Kevin Smith's Clerks) when the word "indie" actually meant something in the movie world. Of course, the Go Fish conversation fell away as we tried to follow the misleading directions from those bastards at Payday Advance...

SP: It just says "to Westurn". "Western" with a T-U-R-N?

GT: No, it's just messy handwriting. I know how to spell "western".

SP: I don't think you do.

GT: No, look! It's an "e". Can I turn here, do you think?

SP: "Do not enter, wrong way"? Probably shouldn't. She lied...Payday Advance lied!

GT: God damn you! I wish I'd looked at her name tag so I could curse her right now. She said we'd just come to it?

SP: This just says "to Western". But she's deceived us once...

GT: Maybe she got scared of me and was like "Just say something so she'll leave- she has the eyes of madness..."

SP: You shouldn't have started threatening her.

GT: Yeah. "Listen, lady, cough it up..."

SP: "You're gonna tell me what I wanna know, see?"

Eventually the conversation got somewhat back on track, although we were still driving around Carson, CA with no clue as to how to get where we wanted to go, which, uh...wasn't in Carson.

GT: I'm often very surprised that screenwriting is what I ended up doing, because it's just sort of a means to an end. I always imagined that I would be a novelist and I still will, it's just been quite a detour. It's been great, I've done a lot of things I didn't think I was capable of. But really, I would just like to make enough money so I can go away to some house in the woods and write books. That's who- well, I can't say that's who I really am because I'm almost 40 years old, this is who I really am, this is what I do. Once I started writing and directing (Turner has written and directed four short films), then I realized I could be a screenwriter if I could also direct because that's different. It's always been hard for me to write a script and then give it over to someone else, even though I did that with Rose and I did that with Mary Harron (director of American Psycho and Bettie Page)- they were very collaborative with me and my input was valued and all that. But writing and directing, it's so satisfying.

SP: I know of screenwriters who are just, "Once I write it, fuck it- I get paid, I hand it over, and I don't really care what they do with it".

GT: To me, that's like being a surrogate mom. Wait, there's a better analogy- like giving a kid up for adoption? Eh, it's not like that either. I guess motherhood and scriptwriting don't have any sort of correlation that I can make sense of.

First directions stop: note the donut shop.

SP: What else, what else...umm, where do babies come from?

GT: Not from lesbians.

SP: So much of your work centers around...lesbiana...do you ever feel obligated to write lesbian content into your work...? (PS: Guinevere Turner is a lesbian)

GT: Weirdly enough, sometimes I feel responsible to not make lesbian stuff just to prove that even though I can and do make lots of lesbian-related work, that I have a lot more to say than just "I'm gay and here's some gay stuff I want to talk about". I want to prove that I have something to say, regardless.

I counter with some barely-coherent "question" wondering how and/or if this attitude sways reactions to her work within in the gay community which, much like any other fan community (hello, horror fan community, I'm looking at YOU) can be unreasonable, unforgiving, and demanding while also remaining completely devoted...particularly in the online world.

Actually, I made quite a few barely-coherent comments and questions that day, which would eventually prompt Guinevere to analyze my speaking patterns...something about me speaking in fragments and ending sentences with qualifiers. I told her not to fucking analyze me thank you very much- but at least she always managed to figure out what I was trying to say.

GT: The irony of being someone who makes a lot of lesbian-related stuff is that people are at once hyper-critical and hyper-demanding, but they will watch anything. Not everyone, of course, but so many lesbians are willing to sit through stuff that's mediocre to poor because they're starved for anything. That's understandable. But at the same time being hyper-critical...and I always like to say- if this is Western, I'll be so fucking happy...

SP: It's Wilmington.

GT: Dammit! But I always like to say, I wish people would put less energy into complaining and judging, and put more energy into making what you want to see.

SP: Well that's what you did with Go Fish.

GT: Yeah, totally.

SP: So, put up or shut up?

GT: Just follow my lead! No, obviously a lot of people who have opinions aren't necessarily in a position or have the desire to actually make content, I just...umm...

Carson was suddenly looking more and more desolate...

GT: Wow, we're going nowhere fast...

SP: We're going to the end of the earth!

GT: Jesus fucking Christ! I'd be crying right now if you weren't here, I just want you to know that. But talking about myself keeps me sane.

SP: You love yourself.

GT: I love myself so much!

from Guin's commercial for Japanese toothpaste
Shiny Fun Happy Teeth OK!

GT: I think American Psycho is so homo on so many levels, I mean it's basically calling a bunch of straight men a bunch of homos...

SP: They're sort of the prototype for the metrosexual.

GT: Right. And Bettie Page has a real kind of homo-sensibility, I think. I don't know, everything is homo to me.

SP: Speaking of homo, I've seen 3 episodes of The L Word, and in one of them...well, there you were.

GT: There I was, playing the lovely Gabby Deveaux.

Gabby Deveaux is, essentially, an unrepentant womanizer...kind of like JR Ewing without the oil and the accent. Or maybe nothing at all like JR; sorry, it's been a while since I've mentioned Dallas around here.

SP: No one likes her.

GT: That's the best! I only worked on the show for two years and I don't watch it, but I think there are a lot more villains now. But that first season, there was no one else like Gabby who was just trouble. She's a bitch, she's unreliable, she's just sort of flippant and self-involved...

SP: Wow, where did they get that? What did you have to tap into...

GT: I had to do a lot of research. No, I'm nicer than Gabby, but let's just say it wasn't a huge stretch for me to embody that kind of person. But playing that character, which is almost campy to me, was so easy and so much fun, it's like "I wanna do this for a living". Banging out a script is sweat and tears- walking around in professional hair and makeup being a bitch is fun.

Wondering if her professional hair is
"bouncin' and behavin'"as Elizabeth
in American Psycho.

SP: I read American Psycho when it first came out, and I really resisted the film because the book is so...

GT: So gnarly.

SP: It's really gnarly. But with you and Mary (Harron) attached, I thought, well, those are interesting choices to bring this book to the screen...and I ended up really liking it.

GT: I think that it's one of those movies that a lot of people- women, in particular- didn't see it because the book had such a feminist backlash.

SP: I liked the tone you took with it...I think it's good that you sort of reined in the gnarliness...

GT: It's funny, (in the book) there are all these really elaborate sex scenes, described like a frickin' Penthouse letter, and then it transitions into something really violent in this sexual context...so it's really disturbing, it plays into kind of a snuff film sensibility. That was something that we were like...we can tell this story without having to really play with that dynamic. I think it takes away from some of the intelligence and humor of the story because it's like, dude...you're just being gross now.

SP: It can pull the audience out of the moment, because they're just reacting to the viscera. You're covering your face...

GT: I just had a realization, what the similarities are between American Psycho and Bettie Page- it never occurred to me until this very moment. Certain kinds of fans didn't think American Psycho was violent enough, and certain kinds of fans didn't think that Bettie Page was...you know...

SP: Boobie enough?

GT: Yeah, horny enough. You know those fans are like, "Don't let Mary Harron and Guinevere Turner get a hold of something good because they will water it down!"

Then I got distracted by a donut shop with a giant donut on top.

GT: That's the first time you've seen a big donut in LA?

SP: Yeah...you know, I feel like I live in The Donut Belt now. There are donut shops everywhere here.

GT: You wanna know why? Because when I first moved here I was really amazed by that, too- like, how many fucking donuts can one population eat? It's because a donut shop is the cheapest business you can start that gets you the kind of license in California by which you have the power to bring other people in your family over from wherever they are.

SP: Which is why you see places like "Mom's Chinese Food and Donuts".

GT: Exactly. It's an immigration loophole. I mean, they're real businesses, but that's why there are so many of them. Isn't that a really interesting fact to know?

SP: It is, actually. I'm going to write about it in my diary tonight.

GT: Let's go in this strip mall and see if we can make some friends.

SP: Go to Domino's. They deliver pizza, they have to know where things are. "Bodacious Q"? What's that?

GT: Barbecue?

SP: Oh. That's a let down.

Guinevere Turner: informative and non-threatening

Domino's, too, would lead us astray with the directions, and on we drove...

SP: Do you like horror movies?

GT: No.

SP: Ugh, I gotta go...

GT: I can't even watch a horror movie trailer, I'm such a wimp. It's not that I don't like them. I can appreciate them, it's just that I get really, really, really scared and then I have nightmares...I try to force myself to see a scary movie and I'll be sitting in the theatre so scared that it's not fun. I don't like rollercoasters, either. Stuff really sticks with me. I know, it's ridiculous. I'm just not emotionally capable of watching them, and I will tell you that I really hate movies like Hostel and Saw and Turistas...all that. Those, I think, are actually forces of evil in the universe and I do not approve of that kind of horror. Funny? Exploitative? Sure, even though I can't watch it. Or real horror movies that are trying to be scary. But ones that are just trying to push the envelope of human decency, I find it a terrifying trend in films.

SP: I think it's dying off. Hostel II and Captivity tanked...I think the trend is dying. But I understand what you're saying. I like horror movies for exactly the reasons why you don't like them- I wanna be scared. I want that adrenaline rush.

GT: If it was just that, it would be okay, but the stuff sticks with me...I don't understand how people can walk away and not be disturbed. Like, when you're in your bed at night and the lights are off, and you can't sleep...

SP: Yeah, I like that! I've been that way since I was a kid, though.

GT: You're weird.

SP: Yeah...

GT: No, it's not weird. There are more people like you, obviously, because it's a booming genre. It makes me sound like such a wuss.

SP: See, I don't have nightmares. I've had, like, one nightmare.

GT: You're so lucky. I used to watch Twilight Zone a lot when I was a kid, which was really scary to me.

SP: Talky Tina scared the hell outta me.

GT: Yeah! How did it go? "I'm Talky Tina...and I don't like you". Talky Tina scared the crap outta me. It's all her fault.

We stopped again, at a gas station, for directions...but this time I went in to ask and we arrived at our destination fifteen minutes later. Is it coincidence? Or am I simply an awesome directions taker-downer? I'd like to think it's the latter.

SP: I think Bettie Page is probably the least judgmental biopic I've ever seen. Was that the intent?

GT: Well, in real life what happened to her after our movie ends was...she went a little cuckoo and she stabbed someone, and she got arrested, and she had a really hard time. We wrote so many versions of the script. We experimented with trying to tell the bulk of someone's life, and we realized that no matter how we wrote it, it would become a morality tale. You have this character who's a free spirit before the '60s, before feminism really had a name in the way that it did in the '60s and '70s, and who was basically a conservative country Baptist girl who decides to make money off her sexuality because she doesn't want to work in an office. And that's rad- that's rad that she had both of those things in her. She wasn't, like, "Fuck everyone!", she was like "You know, I don't like this work- let me find an alternative", you know? I think it's hard for people to understand that she wasn't really a hero- she was, but not in a way like "This is for all women!" It was "This is what I'm gonna do because I can"- but not in a self-empowering way, more of a matter-of-fact way. So if you add the part where she goes crazy at the end, it felt like we were punishing her for her sexual freedom. But I think people want that- I think people want to believe that because she was molested by her father that she became this exhibitionist. But it's "and", not "because".

SP: I think, too, that sometimes people who are "pioneers", I guess, don't realize it at the time. That's not why they're doing something...like with Bettie, she was just trying to do her job- not strike a blow for women's rights, or get the pornography laws changed or whatever.

GT: See, I think there's a bit of self-deception on her part. She either didn't get or didn't let herself get that these photographs were going to be mass-produced, sold secretly in brown paper, and sent to men who were then going to jerk off to them. I don't think she ever let herself believe she was just filling up the spank bank.

SP: Maybe that's how she rectified it all with her religious beliefs, made it okay.

GT: Yeah. It leads to a larger question, like, if someone takes a photograph of me, that later someone says made them want to kill someone- I mean, it's not Jodie Foster's fault that what's-his-name shot Ronald Reagan, you know?

SP: If you take a picture of yourself in the bathtub, for example...

GT: For example. And you end up lost in fucking Carson because of it...

And that's when we finally reached our destination. Then we sat inside the Device Support Center (which sounds both more 12-steppy and more kinky than it actually is) waiting for her cell phone issues to be resolved and talking about BloodRayne. I had to let her know...it's not a very good movie. She knows it's not a very good movie, and she's not particularly bothered by it. Guinevere was given a copy of the game and a little background info to prepare her to write the script...and according to her, after all was said and done only about 20% of what she wrote ended up on screen. Director Uwe Boll went heavy into pre-production before the script was finished and when it was finished, apparently he handed it around for several rewrites. No wonder Turner wants to get into directing her scripts.

GT: People bring it up and they tend to wince, like they think I'll be like "I won't talk about BloodRayne!" or something. I don't give a shit, it's funny! I have a sense of humor about it. I didn't even do it for the money- I was like, why not give it a shot? It's so out of my usual genre, and I'm open to learning. It was a funny process for me- action doesn't come naturally to me.

SP: Well, you tried something new.

GT: C'mon, there's an underwater girl-on-girl fight scene! Come on. Two hot girls, too.

Guinevere Turner laughs at everyone who paid to see BloodRayne

Guinevere got her new phone and surprisingly enough, we had absolutely no problems finding our way home. After passing a billboard for The Eye, which I had just seen, we talked about it and the PG-13 trend in horror. I gave my theories on the subject ("It all goes back to Titanic..."), which soon led to talking about the Spice Girls and our mutual love of Spice World ("It's so subversive...").

Then we just talked about personal stuff (wouldn't YOU like to know?) and had some grinders, the end.

The lesson here is...wait, there's no lesson here. Although I learned that Guinevere Turner is kind of the knees- I guess there's that. Ooh, and I learned about donut shops in Los Angeles! Awesome day!

last night rules!

SCENE: a bar

ME: I totally loved you in Friday the 13th Part VIII.

KELLY HU: Oh my God! Who are you?

It's highly possible that I was the first person to mention Jason Takes Manhattan to Ms. Hu in quite some time, to say the least. She told me all about the shoot and when I suggested she consider bringing back the criss-crossed suspenders look, she replied "What was I thinking?"

She's kind of awesome.

In other news, so is beer.

Le Year in le Review

My, my, my. As you may have noticed, 2007 is almost over...which, according to my calculations, means that 2008 is almost ready to begin. It's time for resolutions and year-end lists, huzzah! I've only got two resolutions this year: 1) Be more awesome, and 2) avoid anything having to do with Paul Reiser. You might think these aren't terribly challenging resolutions- not like your average New Year's rezzies such as quitting smoking or losing 300 pounds. Rest assured, however, that I will struggle throughout 2008 to reach these seemingly humble goals. I mean, as to resolution #1...I totally know what you're thinking: is it even possible for me to be more awesome? And regarding resolution #2...I'd say it'd be a cakewalk, but at some point I'll probably be struck with the urge to watch Aliens. What's a Paul Reiser-avoider/Aliens-lover to do? Life is full of difficult, difficult choices, and that will be no exception.

Now, don't you go thinking I'm not cliched enough to bust out a year-end list type post, because I totally am. Indeed, it's time for the...

Final Girl Year in Review Dazzling Spectacular Event of Note!

JANUARY: Ah, January...the cruelest month. The heinous-osity of the Black Christmas remake was balanced out by the first-ever Animals Run Amok Week as well as Children Hate You Week. The Film Club was but wee that month, but those of us who soldiered through caught the simply marvelous Daphne Zuniga-flavored slasher The Initiation. Wait, the cruelest month? I think I meant the coolest month!

• Review of the month: Black Christmas

• Quote of the month: "Thankfully, however, Cameron gets his Emperor Palpatine on and has a "spectacular" showdown with the demon in pure 80's Spencer Gifts fashion." - Cameron's Closet review

• Photo of the month:

FEBRUARY: Oh so short yet oh so sweet, looking back, I must say that February kind of rocked. I saw some films that filled my heart with glee and saw some films that filled (and continue to fill) my heart with rage (I swear to G.O.D., if I ever see you on the street, The Cavern, you'd better run for your life); the Film Club got all highbrow with The Exorcist; there was Defenestration Week, and my love affair with The Descent got all ten kinds of analyze-y.

• Review of the month: Gnaw: Food of the Gods 2

• Quote of the month: "I give it 4.5 out of 10 maybe next Piper Perabo and Lena Headey should team up in an antagonistic buddy-cop flick, where Piper Perabo plays a feisty, hardened NYPD detective who’s recently lost her partner in a shoot-out with a scum-sucking drug dealer and Lena Headey plays her new partner, an uptight British import. They don’t get along, of course, and Piper Perabo calls Lena Headey some name like “Buckingham” (for the Palace, natch) and Lena Headey will scold Piper Perabo for going against regulations and breaking the rules. Then the movie will kinda ripoff Ladykillers (starring Marilu Henner and Thomas Calabro) and the duo will have to investigate a series of murders at an exclusive Chippendales-style strip joint, that way there could be lots of musical numbers wherein screaming ladies wave dollar bills at breakdancing cowboys. Eventually the girls solve the crime and bag the perp, Lena Headey has learned something about New York bagels, Piper Perabo has learned something about clotted cream, and they’re not only partners but they’re also now besties. The film ends with a freeze-frame of a high-five and “Paradise City” by Guns-n-Roses starts blaring over the credits. Oh yeah, and they make outs." -The Cave review

• Photo of the month:

MARCH: Given that there are 31 days in the month and I only managed 13 posts, it's obvious that I've got a "fuck March!" kind of attitude. I'm don't exactly remember what my beef is with March, but I'm sure it was acting like a jerk or something. Anyway, quantity and quality are two different things, no? Oh, what a great movie-watching couple of weeks they were! The Film Club caught the supernatural war flick Deathwatch... Bubba totally didn't do it in the made-for-TV slasher Dark Night of the Scarecrow... Ed Neal and Marilyn Burns wore lots of eye makeup in Future-Kill... and blah blah blah.

• Review of the month: House of the Dead

• Quote of the month: "That’s got to be the most retarded showdown in the history of ever and I can’t believe it actually happened, but I saw it with my very own eyes." -The Hitcher 2 review

• Photo of the month:

APRIL: Holy frickin' crap, April was AWESOME. I met Marilyn Burns; Moustaches of Horror were on parade; Kari Wuhrer Mania '07 was in full swing; more animals were running amok than ever before; thanks to the Film Club I finally caught Prince of Darkness...in fact, with the exception of the death of director Bob Clark, I'd have to say that April kicked beaucoup ass.

• Review of the month: Nigh impossible to choose but one...but let's say The Swarm.

• Quote of the month: "I mean, you'd be surprised how often "I can smell your cunt" comes up in the course of a week." -from that post where I answered some questions

• Photo of the month: Man, this was hard to choose. April Fools? More like April RULES.
  

MAY: Oo-eee, May sure was craptacular...craptacular in the best way possible, that is. Between Slash Dance, Knight Chills, and Incubus (featuring the first and thus far only haiku review here at Final Girl), it's a miracle I didn't gouge my eyes out at some point. As we all know, however, generally my pain means your pleasure as the worst movies make for the best reviews. Thankfully that triple threat of suck was balanced out by my hearting Wrong Turn and catching some other decent flicks.

• Review of the month: Knight Chills

• Quote of the month: "Or maybe, just maybe, they'll fart fire like super cockroaches do!" -from the review for Frogs

• Photo of the month:

JUNE: June was a bit lame despite the fact that it marked the anniversary of my birth. Final Girl Super Secret Clubhouse Headquarters underwent a massive change and posting was a bit light. The Film Club managed to cram in a viewing of The Innocents, but other than that movie-watching was virtually non-existent. I did, however, manage to ruminate on vampires, Curtains, and other bloggers, which is totally...worth...something.

• Review of the month: Kiss Daddy Goodbye

• Quote of the month: "I mean, when the kids are, like, staring at each other for a few minutes and there's nothing else going on and the kids are all stare stare stare, it was...well, you might not believe it but it was, like, only the most totally fucking exciting thing I've ever seen in a movie and, like, my shirt exploded because I was totally Hulking out with excitement and the little scraps of my shirt caught on fire as they fell to the living room floor because the air was like electric with excitement, you know?" -from Kiss Daddy Goodbye review

• Photo of the month:

JULY: Boy, with the misery of June behind us all, July came on all guns a-blazin' and cracka-lackin'! I posted some facts about myself that the world was simply dying to know, I lost my San Diego Comic Con cherry, I interviewed Alex Reid, the Film Club watched Behind the Mask (which virtually everyone but me enjoyed), I made a traileriffic list, and more than 25 people participated in the Friday the 13th Blog-a-Thon. Man, I'm still wiped out from all that awesome.

• Review of the month: The Fog (remake)

• Quote of the month: "If a tree falls in the forest and only Helen Keller is around, does it make a sound?" -review, Silent Scream

• Photo of the month:

AUGUST: August may be best known as the month in which I survived numerous brushes with death, but looking back at it there was so much more! Awesome Movie Poster Friday was born, I reviewed a Lifetime movie, I interviewed a bunch of people, reviewed a bunch of stuff, and I met Adrienne freakin' Barbeau. Go, August!

• Review of the month: not quite a review, exactly...just my hopes for the inevitable Exorcist remake.

• Quote of the month: "Those movies are perfect- you're only going to make yourself look like an asshole by remaking them." -Rob Zombie

• Photo of the month:

SEPTEMBER: At long last, I officially indulged in my love affair with killer doll/puppet movies with Hello, Dolly! Week; it seemed as if there were 463598 Awesome Movie Poster Fridays throughout the month; I made up some movie titles, and the Film Club checked out Halloween, a film I'm still trying to forget. You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both and there you have September.

• Review of the month: Pinocchio's Revenge

• Quote of the month: "Then in the sequel they can all go to space and something something the love of a little orphan girl will save the world." -from a random post about Kelly Hu

• Photo of the month:

OCTOBER: I'll be the first to admit that last October sort of fizzled out. I started strong, reviewing some of my most favoritest movies at a furious one-a-day pace, but then...I got busy. And I had a lot of work to do as well. HA HA HA did you get my double entendre there? Anyway, what I lacked in reviews I kinda made up for in...other stuff, like some awesome Awesome Movie Poster Fridays, a sweet Film Club choice, and some choice interviews (umm...I talked to Elmuthafuckinvira, y'all) and stuff, including one wherein I entered the magical world of "video". October ended up okay, right? Tell me you still love me!

• Review of the month: Creepshow

• Quote of the month: "In space, no one can hear your complaints!" -review, Event Horizon

• Photo of the month:

NOVEMBER: What a month of dizzying highs and depressing lows! I hit Post #500, the Film Club kicked ass with the Lauren Tewes-flavored Eyes of a Stranger, Amicus Week rocked the house, and Lame Week unrocked it. Throw in some wicked mega-packed Awesome Movie Poster Fridays and you've got yourself one sweet-ass November chowder.

No, that doesn't make sense.

• Review of the month: Eyes of a Stranger

• Quote of the month: "The lesson here is, if you're going to be crazy and have a homicidal imaginary friend, you'd might as well have a homicidal imaginary friend who looks like Britt Ekland." -review, Asylum

• Photo of the month:

DECEMBER: OMG, I totally remember December as if it were still happening! Isn't that weird? I must confess, December has been one of those months where I haven't much felt like watching anything; in fact, I only managed 2 real reviews and one sort-of review during the entire month! What a jerk. Oh well. Maybe I'll make a resolution that next December won't suck as bad. Or maybe not. I do what I feel like- you don't own me!

• Review of the month: Dogs

• Quote of the month: "It is obvious to me now that Joan Van Ark died five years ago and no one bothered to tell her." -from a random post about Joan Van Ark, whom I still love, living, dead, or undead!

• Photo of the month:

Well, there you have it...my super duper Final Girl Year in Review Dazzling Spectacular Event of Note. I hope you had as much fun reading these last 12 months as I had writing.

I hereby promise* to totally flip out and make 2008 the best year ever here at Final Girl. Up yours, 2007!





*I promise nothing