One More Dark Night

About a month ago I saw a listing for a brand spankin' new Special Edition of One Dark Night and let me tell you, I clicked "add to cart" so fast that my finger actually caught on fire. It was very painful but so worth it. A horror movie from 1982 starring Meg Tilly? Yes and please! And then My Brain chimed in.

"You've seen this," said My Brain.

"No I haven't," I replied. "I would remember."

"You saw it once and you didn't like it."

"Haha, oh Brain," I said. "Stop trying to fool me with all of this FAKE NEWS. Didn't like it? Brain, you know my Meg Tilly feelings are everlasting, strong, and true. Not liking this movie falls into the realm of the unpossible."

"Why don't you check the Final Girl review archive if you don't believe me?"

"I will not be doing that. That's enough now Brain, I bid you good day!" I shut My Brain down completely so I wouldn't have to endure any sass, and for the next several hours I sat staring into nothingness and drooling all over myself. This, too, was so worth it.

Then lo, time passed (as it does) and the Blu-ray arrived. I secretly thought...hmm, I think I have seen this. I feel like maybe I didn't like it? Could My Brain have been right all along?

In search of answers I finally clicked the FG review archives and there it was. I had already seen One Dark Night, and no, I didn't like it. I gave it a 2/10! (Rating movies was a thing back then, what can I say.) Sure, sure, I had soldiered through a very rough cut of the film with no sound effects or music, but even so, I estimated that a fully-realized version would still only rate a 4/10 from me. While the film seemed to have the requirements for some delightful B-grade delight, I said that ultimately One Dark Night "could barely muster enough thrills to merit being called D-grade." So harsh! Would my feelings change more than a decade (!!!) since that original review?

Fuck yeah they would, are you nuts?

While relaxing in a tub filled with the blood of a hundred virgins every night ensures that somehow I become more beautiful with each passing year, it seems that I also grow wiser and, although surely no one thought it was possible, my taste gets better and better. What I am saying is that Past Me had no idea what's up, because obviously what's up is One Dark Night. This shit rules!

If you want a rundown of the plot, you can read that dopey old review. But I'm living in the now, baby, where all we talk about is what makes One Dark Night so great.

It is EG Daily at perhaps her feistiest. It is purple satin jackets and Kitty chewing on a toothbrush throughout the proceedings ("I guess I just like the way it tastes."). It is insults like "nerdlebrain" and "turkey", it is Spencer's Gifts-style blue movie lightning shooting out of eyes and fingertips. It's teenagers handing out downers (Demerol, to be specific) like it's no big deal. It's an army of telekinetically-controlled corpses dragging their toes as they float down the mausoleum hallway. It's grosser than its PG rating warrants, with slime and maggots and peeling skin; it's got sequences that are genuinely unnerving, whether it's girls scared into silence as they watch a coffin slowly open or those same girls getting all besheeted and laughing as they try to scare the life out of one of their own.

I will cut Past Me some slack, as the cut I watched–and, to be fair, the cut I probably shouldn't have reviewed–was designed to be a bonus feature for those who have already seen the movie. With a cruddy picture and no sound, I'm sure One Dark Night seemed far beyond salvation and completely without merit. To be fair, the movie does have some pacing problems and more than a few questions that remain unanswered after its abrupt ending. But when the blue movie lighting and corpses start to fly, it's a damn good time.

I am so glad I didn't listen to My Brain, otherwise I probably would have said "Oh yeah, that movie stinks" and subsequently canceled my order. Look what changes in opinion a decade can bring! What a fool I was! Should either of us–you and me, Reader–ever listen to My Brain? NO. Should either of us ever trust my opinion? NO.

Except now, when I tell you that One Dark Night rules!

SHOCKtober: My Heart List

Who can get enough lists during SHOCKtober? Not any of us! By "any of us", mind you, I mean me.

Sure, I posted my Top 20 list several moons ago...but I've been thinking. It feels...insufficient or something, particularly after I posted Buzz's list and Amanda's list. My choices, while they truly are my favorite horror films, seem so staid. So typical! Halloween? The Exorcist? Bitch, please. Yes, I love them like I love...things I love, but even so, I can't fight this feeling of lack I've had since I wrote down numbers 1-20 in my wide-ruled spiral notebook. My list lacks! JA over at My New Plaid Pants knows of what I speak. So I figured- hey, I can either let this feeling continue to irritate me like an itch I can't scratch, or I can pull down my pants and scratch away. I say scratch away. Scratch away, one and all. Tomorrow we think of ointments and unguents and salves, but today, my friends, we scratch.

Mmm, that got weird. The point is, this new list! It's a list of movies I heart- movies that may not be are not good, but I heart them all the same. There's even a couple that I've seen but once and upon that once, I did not like the movie. Yet here they are, for reasons that are beyond me. I didn't like them, but now I think back on 'em and...well, they belong on this list. Life, she is mysterious! Okay, without further ado...because if there's one thing Final Girl needs this month, it's another fucking list!

As always, clickin' titles take you to reviews.


A Nightmare on Elm Street III: The Dream Warriors (1987, Chuck Russell)

I think the big secret of this movie is that it stinks, but we all pretend like it doesn't. Okay, it doesn't stink, but there's some corny-ass shit going on this movie- this cannot be denied, although we all pretend that it's not corny. That's totally okay, though, since the cornballs are all balanced out by some seriously creepy moments. Love.




Pieces (1982, Juan Piquer Simon)

I recently had the absolute pleasure of watching Pieces with someone who'd never seen it before, and lemme tell you- that's the way to see it! Unless you're the person who's never seen it, in which case I'll be right over with my copy. I want to be a Goodwill Ambassador who travels the globe clutching my battered Pieces tape, spreading gore and good cheer- not only so I can revel in the amazingness of this film, but so I can watch others revel in the "That doesn't make any sense!" of it all.



Killer Workout (1986, David A. Prior)

Killer Workout (aka Aerobicide, which is all sorts of title perfection) is a terrible, terrible film. I know, a slasher set in a health club seems like a can't-lose idea, but this movie proves it can lose. That is, it can lose its way right into my heart! Countless scenes (often repeated) of women shaking their lycra-covered parts, men who all look the same punching each other and running each other over with sports cars, club owner Rhonda sneering her way through life, tanning booth accidents, a soundtrack by Donna DeLory...Killer Workout has it all and then some. Part of that "then some" includes the picture of Marla Maples aerobicizing on the VHS tape cover. Delicious!

Shower of Blood (2004, Tiffany Kilbourne)

This abomination of a film features horrible acting, horrible writing, horrible foley work, the least sexy sex scene ever, computer graphics straight outta the Sega Saturn, and, in perhaps my favorite moment, the same model of Brother word processor I used in college masquerading as a 911 call center computer. It is...amazing. I adore this movie. Heidi Martinuzzi wrote a review for Pretty/Scary back in the day that will tell you everything you need to know so you don't actually have to sit through it, although you should because it kind of needs to be seen to be believed. Just don't see it alone! Not because it's so frightening, but because it's the type of misery that's best when shared. By the way, spoiler alert: Heidi will also be talking about this movie in her forthcoming Top 20 list.

Amityville IV: The Evil Escapes (1989, Sandor Stern)

AN EVIL FLOOR LAMP. THAT GOES OVER A CLIFF. AND EXPLODES. What more do you need to know? Take one part exploding evil floor lamp, add some Patty Duke-i-tude, and that, my friends, is a recipe for heaven.







Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008, James Nguyen)

Going to see Birdemic in a theater will provide you with one of the most fun experiences you will ever have, unless you're immune to the very notion of "fun" or "theaters" or "going". I am just saying. As bad as you think this movie will be? It will be worse.






Graduation Day (1981, Herb Freed)

You know, I really didn't like Graduation Day the one and only time I saw it...but then when I think back on it, I can't for the life of me remember why I didn't. Even reading my negative review- it just sounds awesome! I think back to the football-with-a-sword-attached, and what's not to love? I think back on the roller skating scene and how there weren't enough skates for everybody so some people essentially just ran around in a circle, and I want to give this movie a hug. Huh.



The Child (1977, Robert Voskanian)

Whenever The Child comes to mind, I hear the horrible, horrible dubbed voices of the movie in my head- in particular that of young Rosalie shouting "I don't have to tell you anything!" If you haven't seen this fim, then you probably won't care about that, but there you go. It's not an entirely uncreepy, ineffective film, but it's definitely a 12-pack of coulda beens. What it IS, however, is dementedly delightful.




Dolly Dearest (1991, Maria Lease)

Dolly Dearest is so good- like we'd expect anything less from a horror movie released in 1991. Chucky can go screw- DD is where it's at. Girl power! You know, I figure the offensive maid stereotype I employed in In Satan's Closet is okay because it's an homage to the offensive maid stereotype in Dolly Dearest (and Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell). Troof.





Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002, David Worth)

I admit: sometimes I think I'm falling out of love with Shark Attack 3. I KNOW, RIGHT? How could this be? I'll tell you how: it's because the first hour, if not more, is almost unwatchably dull. Seriously, it's really tough to get through. I introduce people to the film and I find myself saying "Just wait...just wait...JUST WAIT!" and finally the payoff is beyond worth it, but man. You can only take the first hour so many times before your eyes start to wander. Look, I'm just being honest here. I mean, it's here in my heart list and I think it always will be, but it might not have all of my heart anymore. We're just growing in different directions, which is no one's fault- or maybe it's Shark Attack 3's fault, because of that first hour. Keeping it real, that's what I do!

Face of Evil (1996, Mary Lambert)

In a word, I give this movie ten metaphorical boners up. It has everything I love: bodies in suitcases, made-for-TV-ness, Shawnee Smith in a Blossom-style '90s bowler hat, Perry King with an awful ponytail, deception, artists doing art, murder, Tracey Gold, Tracey Gold, and Tracey Gold. My one regret in life is that when I met Mary Lambert, I wasn't clutching my copy of this (WHICH I BOUGHT AT THE GROCERY STORE) for her to sign. NOTE TO SELF: Always carry Face of Evil with you.


Eyes of a Stranger (1981, Ken Wiederhorn)

From my review: "A tracksuited Lauren Tewes as that old slasher flick staple, the mouthy anchorwoman in peril? Jennifer Jason Leigh as a blind-deaf-mute? Head in a fishtank? 1981? Yes folks, Eyes of a Stranger has it all, including the best strip club routine EVAR." 'Nuff said.






The Manitou (1978, William Girdler)

My one regret in life is that I let someone borrow my DVD of The Manitou, and now I don't hang out with that person anymore, so basically I gave away my copy of The Manitou. Yeah, it's replaceable but picking up a new copy...ehhh, I fucking hate replacing stuff I used to have. When I get the urge to watch a naked Susan Strasberg shooting lasers from a hospital bed that's floating in space, I want to watch it now. Hold on to your copy of The Manitou and hold on to it tight!




Mausoleum (1983, Michael Dugan)

Corn teeth. Demon boobs. Unique weather systems. Marjoe fucking Gortner. La Wanda Page, who seems to think- or, perhaps was told- that she's in a comedy. Man, Mausoleum lives the kind of life that I want to lead!







Rumplestiltskin (1995, Mark Jones)

Now, I know I've mentioned my love for this movie pa-lenty of times here at Final Girl. It's currently available on Netflix streaming, and I know that some of you have checked it out because I've mentioned my love for it and now you're caught up in a web of what the fuckery because it sucks. It does suck, and please, bear in mind this warning: I know not from where my affections for this film arise. They cannot be explained. Believe me, I've tried math, physics, and even a course in the Psychology of Motivation & Emotion from Life University to solve the mystery, and it simply cannot be solved. A human centipede made of Jessica Fletcher, Columbo, and Encyclopedia Brown could not solve this mystery! Like time itself, it just is. Here's the deal: I really kind of hate Rumplestiltskin while I'm watching it because as I mentioned, it sucks. It's just bad. Okay, the scene with the remote-controlled car posing as a real car is awesome, but otherwise it's a terrible movie. Yet...and yet! As soon as it's over, I find myself thinking about how awesome it is and that I should watch it again, and if anyone should ask, I'll tell them it's the best movie ever. AND I'LL BELIEVE IT. So I watch it again, and I'm all, "This movie sucks! Except the RC car part." and the cycle continues. I'm experiencing a moment of clarity right now, so I'll tell you: Rumpleskin (typo that stays) sucks, please don't watch it. I also feel myself wanting to tell you, however, that it's the best movie ever...so run away now while you still can! You know how when you're playing Mass Effect and you're on Noveria and you fight Matriarch Benezia and she has that moment where she's all, "Wait, I'm not a total bitch! That was just because my mind is under the influence of Saren! Here's the info you need. I'm being helpful!" and Commander Shepard is like, "You're hurt! Come with us and we can save you!" and she goes, "No! My mind is not completely my own and it never will be again AND NOW I KILL YOU!" and you fight again? This is like that. My mind will never be completely my own again. RUMPLESTILTSKIN RULES!

Bug (1975, Jeannot Szwarc)

Carnivorous cockroaches who can fart fire and spell things. If you need any more than that, then you need HELP, friend.








Cathy's Curse (1977, Eddy Matalon)

Earlier today I decided that I kind of just want to watch Cathy's Curse every day forever and ever. I haven't started yet, but it's on my to-do list, for sure.

search and destroy

If this site was more of a "personal" blog...more journal-y, if you will...and had a title that was some "clever" play on my last name (Points to Ponder, Ponder's Ponderin's, etc), today I would probably talk about music.

ASIDE: by and large, I loathe "clever" blog titles like the two I mentioned above. They're akin to naming your hair salon Shear Magic or something...I hate that.

Yes, music. I'd probably mention that I'm still trying to cope with the break-up of my super awesome most favoritest band, though they've been gone for well on almost a year now. Then I'd mention that the only time they really made it into Rolling Stone magazine was when the publication trotted out their beyond lame-ass "Women in Rock!" issues- and then they'd put someone like Beyonce on the cover. After that, I'd point out how much Rolling Stone sucks anyway.

Then I might mention the fact that the last 10 songs on my iPod shuffle serve as a good indicator into how varied my musical tastes are. I'd use that to segue into brief essay positing that Disco Does Not, In Fact, Suck- no matter what the bumper stickers may have led you to believe. To add some weight to my argument, I'd submit "Take Your Time (Do It Right)" by the SOS Band and "Don't Leave Me This Way" by Thelma Houston as examples of great songs, regardless of genre. This would no doubt bring on a mini-rant about cultural elitism and how cultural snobs can kiss my ass.

Then I'd end by bringing it full circle and mentioning how depressing it is to live in a world where there will most likely be no new Sleater-Kinney albums and how could they break up like that after putting out their best record?

But this is a horror blog, so I won't talk about any of those things. Sadly, I don't really have much horror-related to talk about either, so I'll simply post a picture of my awesome and beloved Freddy Krueger candle and I'll revisit the popular feature These Are Some Google Search Terms People Have Typed In And Subsequently Found Their Way To Final Girl. No, I still haven't come up with a better title, and yes, by "popular" I mean "I think it's funny".

You can imagine some of the hits I get due to the fact that 1) the word "girl" is in the title of the blog and 2) I tend to, on occasion, use the word "fuck". OK, I use that word all the time...but the point is, if people are looking for, say, something naughty that would encompass both "girl" and "fuck" and my review of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon pops up in the search results, why do they click through? Perhaps I should take that as a compliment. I mean, I'm sure it's the power of my words that intrigues people. After all, Final Girl was recently named Most Kick-Ass Blog Evar and Blog Most Likely to Cause the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony, while I myself was named Blogger Who Is So Cool She's Like 50 Snake Plisskens In One in a ceremony I had here at my house. You should have seen the dress I wore! At any rate...

creepy dream at a street

-This one just made me laugh. What's that movie, with a creepy dream at a street? It's right on the tip of my tongue...

she takes in the ass girls

-That is so, so sweet of her, whoever "she" is. I remember the Behind the Music episode about The Ass Girls, and how their record label and producers totally took advantage of them and that despite the millions of copies of their remake of "Mornin' Train" they sold, they ended up penniless and homeless. I'm glad someone has taken them in, and I hope they stage a comeback soon.

sexy girl blog

-You're damn right it is!

in the shining how does danny deal with the shining?

-This one is among several that make me want to put out a PSA regarding tips on web searches and how to make them effective.

which star dressed entirely in black for the final 45 years of his off screen life?

-See above. That aside, anyone have any guesses? I have no clue.

mausoleum floozy

-I love love LOVE the word "floozy". It's so grandmotherly, and for some reason it reminds me of Mrs Roper.

mermaids they er reel they come up to me

-Aw, sweetie...no...no, they don't. They really don't.

leprechaun fart

-I'm so glad that, through Final Girl, I can contribute to society in meaningful and lasting ways.

movie girl killed by computer screen

-Anyone?

poem about a game of hide-and-seek resulting in a bride dying in a chest

-Emily Dickinson's "Wild Nights! Wild Nights!"

worker boobs

-Again, that just makes me laugh. It's so blue collar!

movie from the 80s. I want me a jack, bum bum, bum bum

-Immediately I knew they were searching for Jumpin' Jack Flash, the movie also known as The Movie That Stacie Has An Inordinate Amount Of Love For And Yes She's The Only Person Who Feels That Way But It's One Of Those Unexplainable Things, Like This Album Cover.

who was the stripper whose name was freddie

-Umm...Freddie, maybe?

stop angelina jolie

-That's a cause I can totally get behind.