News you can use!

Briefcase Woman says YES to news! And to shoulder pads. And to business!

Now that we've got the distance of time and...distance...between us, my breakup with Los Angeles has become like a breakup with one of those people things you read about. You know, it's been so long that you only remember the good times and the highlights, how things were in the beginning, way before Marc Singer ripped off the fake latex face of the city/your significant other to reveal the alien lizard hidden underneath.

The point is, now there is not a day that goes by where I'm all "Aw dang, I gotta get back to L.A." I've forgotten just about everything that made it so cruddy! And I tell you, the fact that so much stuff happens there really doesn't help. Look, I love you, New England, but stuff kind of just doesn't happen here except for Autumn and snow. And I adore those things, believe me! But listen, the other night a friend went to see Halloween at the Egyptian Theater and Jamie Lee Curtis and John Carpenter were in attendance. What! And lo and behold, someone else just notified me about this thing, which is happening.

Again I say: what! See, things like this happen all the time out there. But I am not there. But maybe you are? And if you are, then you need to do these things. That is the news you can use!

Oh, like here's another thing: there's a short film called SLUT, written and directed by up-and-coming filmmaker Chloe Okuno, that'll be featured in the prestigious Screamfest Film Festival on Saturday, October 18. (It's also playing a bunch of other film festivals around the country, so check out SLUT's Faceplace for dates and the whatnot.) I haven't caught SLUT yet but I've seen some of Okuno's other work and I'm super excited about this film. So if you can see it, go see it! What's wrong with you?



And finally, some news you can use that doesn't involve leaving your house (truth be told, that is my favorite kind). The inimitable Alexandra West done went and wrote herself a fantastic essay about the Final Girl's place in the films of the New French Extremity, in particular High Tension, Inside, and Martyrs. I'm a big fan of the subgenre discussed and of West's writing,  and you should be, too. What's wrong with you?

Still, though, it got me thinking. Fucking Martyrs. Am I ever going to actually write about it? Or will I die having only written about writing about it? What's wrong with me? There must be something. I mean, I want to move back to Los Angeles.

You may have noticed...

...I just installed an ad box up there, under my header. I've never done advertising on Final Girl before, though I've had lots of offers- all blogs get 'em. It never felt right to me; the offers were from, like, office furniture suppliers and the such- stuff that simply wouldn't fit in 'round these parts.

I've seen Project Wonderful ads on a zillion sites, though, and what I like about it is that it's advertising by creators- folks who want to drive some traffic to their sites, their webcomics, their whatevers at reasonable cost. I can get on board with that notion, and hey- times be tight! If Final Girl can bring in enough to keep Briefcase Woman flush with briefcases, then I've gotta do what I've gotta do. It's a pretty prime chink of real estate as far as these things go, front and center, so I hope nothing comes up that hurts our precious eyeballs too much. And if it sucks super bad, I'll zap it!

Or hey, maybe no one will ever bid on ad space here ever, and we can all share a good laugh.

Thanks for understanding, you guys are the best!

*cough*

Hi! Here I am, after 6++++ months of...I won't bother with the deets, but let's just say it's been 6++++ months of moving, living in a heck hole, moving, and moving again sprinkled with generous...err, sprinkles of horror movie apathy, writer's block, existential crises, pizza, and more. But none of that matters right now! What matters is that I am settled after months and months, I have internet in my home, and I actually feel like watching horror movies and getting the ol' FG back to what it was 4 years ago: fun for me to do. Horror used to be fun, and then for a multitude of reasons it wasn't, but I think it's getting back to that place. It is cause for rejoicement, so I made this!



So yes. I kind of hate "I'm back" posts, but, you know. I'm back.

Have you seen this Trail-Or for Argento's Dracula 3D yet? Watch now watch now watch now!



WHAT IS THAT. WHAT IS IT? This guy made Suspiria? How? But you know, I don't care. I want to see this big pile of hot 3D mess so bad! Hissing, topless vampires! Vampires going "rarrr!"! A giant praying mantis! Asia Argento! A vampire death scene rivaled only by that of Paul Reubens in Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Again: A GIANT PRAYING MANTIS!

Dracula 3D comes along right when I'm feeling all ready to jump back into horror's lovin' arms and nuzzle her matronly bosoms. Oh Argento, we couldn't have timed this better if we tried!

It's coming! SHOCKtober is coming!

Attention good people of The Internet! The time is here! That's right- it's time to begin preparations for next month, which is October, which around these parts is known as SHOCKtober, which is the best month of them all.

I realize I have been terribly remiss in my Final Girl duties. This summer has been...mmm, I don't know. Strange? Awful? Sort of both. But summer is drawing to a close, so I say: fuck summer. It's time for the shelves of my grocery store to be stocked with Candles of Doom and plastic skulls! It's time for horror movies to be everywhere! This ain't no place for summer. So git, summer! Git on now!

I've been mulling over SHOCKtober possibilities for a while now- what to do during this most excellent time? Stately Final Girl Manor is changing location yet AGAIN at the end of this month, and it's going to put me out of some commission for a while. I enjoyed the interactivity of last year's festivities, for sure. Given these factors, again I say- what to do?

Well, my pal Brent Schoonover is smart and he came up with a great idea right away: favorite horror characters. YOUR favorite horror characters- who are they? Let's figure it out!

Now, before you go shouting everything all willy-nilly and chaotic-like, I need to establish some rules to the process, to listen up, maggots!

First, as a thanks to Brent for this stellar interactive idea, go visit his website and look at all of his dazzling art. Seriously, it dazzles. If you really like it, and you really like me, you should get a copy of Mr. Murder is Dead! That's right, I'm straight-up pimpin' it. But dudes, for real, we worked really hard on it- and it's cheap and it's good. So check it out!

Second, the rules of this game: send me an email with the name of your ONE favorite FICTIONAL character in all of horrordom. You don't need to tell me WHY you like this character, unless you want to. Just one! Fictional!

how could you not vote for vampire puppy?

If it's a character without a proper name, that's fine. So, say, "the bear from Grizzly" works. If it's a group of samey-sames, that's fine too- such as, "the troglodytes in the pit in The Pit" is keen. If you want to get specific for characters that have been portrayed by more than one actor, go for it. For example, I'm sure that Frank Langella is everyone's favorite Dracula, but maybe you like Christopher Lee for some reason. Stick to movies, although characters who were born elsewhere and migrated to movies (like Swamp Thing, say) are obviously a-okay.

No character is too big or too small! Do you like a heavy hitter such as Freddy Krueger best? Or are you more of an Annie Brackett type (you probably should be)? The choice is yours! Let me know and, depending on how many results I get, I'll...figure out something to do with all this info. Last year it was crazy, and this will likely be the same.

I don't envy you this task, friendos. I have no idea who my choice will be. Oh, if only Briefcase Woman had been in a horror movie!

Send your email with THE WORD CHARACTER in the subject line and YOUR CHOICE in the EMAIL BODY to stacieponder AT gmail DOT com by SUNDAY SEPT 19. Let's do this!

People, get votin'!

A reminder so you remember: Sunday is the last day to get your Top 20 horror movies list to me, so if you haven't done it yet, click this to read the skinny and then DO IT! September is almost out the door, and you know what that means. Ohhhh yeah! The month of all the months arrives in full force...although I think October is slowly edging September out of the picture all together, which is fine by me. I would love an 8-week October.

There are "candles of DOOM" for sale at my grocery store. Siiiiigh...oh Halloween, you're so dreamy.

Now go VOTE while I go figure out what to do with all your responses. Don't worry! This is is how I feel about the whole list thing in my heart and loins.

so i made a movie: LUDLOW, part eight

Catch up on all the previous installments of So I Made A Movie: LUDLOW right here...presented to you in GLORIOUS DETAIL!

Y'all, it's done. DONE. DONNNNNNNE! Way too many moons later, Ludlow is done.

What happened since we last spoke of this a zillion light-years ago? You know, when I left off with my backyard screening of the first cut? Well, here's what happened:

Ludlow ended up with a run time that made it too short to be a feature and too long to be a short. Cutting out, oh, say 40 minutes wasn't an option...so I decided to add to it. But! How to do this without the result feeling blatantly padded?

I had some at least one problem: there are three characters, and I wasn't about to introduce anyone new. Bringing back two of those three characters for more scenes would not have been wise. That just left...a montage set to peppy upbeat music, wherein Krista (Shannon Lark) either 1) trains for a fight or 2) trains for a big dance production. Montage it was.

I kid. There's no montage. What there is, however, is a brand-new scene that is incredibly depressing and adds to the story rather nicely (if I'm allowed to say so). In fact, I think Ludlow 2.0 is better with the new scene than without, and the deliberate padding-osity was avoided. You know what that calls for- a robust round of our friend Briefcase Woman!

Now, you may recall a little fundraising drive I ran in order to...wait for it...raise funds so I could afford to transform the caterpillar Ludlow into the beautiful swan that is Ludlow 2.0- yes, the transformation is that remarkable! Let me say this about the response to the fundraiser: you guys are fucking awesome. Seriously. Every time you turn around today, someone is starting a Kickstarter project or holding out their hand. Man, I got my request out of the way just in time!

Thanks to the generosity of You Awesome People, I was able to cover all expenses. It was rad to do so, so thank you.

Mind you, as this was Ludlow, Shannon and I ran into some problems during the shoot. The largest being that the room we originally shot in was not available- not because it was taken by other guests, but because the air conditioner was broken. It just...figured. We got a room that had basically the same layout, with some minor differences. I tried to shoot in such a way that the change won't be noticeable. Otherwise, the most depressing scene ever was over very quickly and went without a hitch- even our FX! Yes, FX. Scintillating. We were done in a mere couple of hours- so un-Ludlow-y- and that was that.

We shot some some more footage for the new scene in Sherman Oaks, which was strange. I mean, it was fine, but it was a reminder that these characters had...have...whatever...a life before and outside of that weird, shitty motel in the desert. It kind of didn't seem right to see Krista, for example, anywhere but Room 8. Hard to explain and silly, maybe, but there you go.

Anyway, I edited the new footage in and did a bunch of trimmin elsewhere.

And then the movie sat around in the magical negative zone known as "my computer" for several months. Months??! Damn. I have no concept of time.

And then the composer, James Barry, redid the score. He created music for some scenes that previously had none, and dudes- it's so much better now. So much. I can't even tell you. Or maybe I just did. Get off my back!

And then it was done. It's done. It's still in the Negative Computer Zone, really, but it's done. There's no more to do except get it in front of eyeballs that are not my own.

How do I do that? I have no idea. Someone tell me!

a happy day...

...full of happiness. Not like stupid ol' yesterday with its swear word this and its this sucks that. No, my friends, today is about things that are both fresh and exciting- you know, like that Kool & the Gang song "Joanna".

Did you know that Kool & the Gang formed up in 1964? That's so much earlier than I thought. I think their first hit was "Jungle Boogie", which came along in the early 70s...but their REAL mainstream success happened in the 80s, about 20 years after they started. Let Kool & the Gang guide you! Don't give up on your dreams! Show, as they did, what people who like to make up words might call "stick-toit-iveness".

Wow, that last paragraph was very American Psycho of me.

Anyway. Some things!

Thing the first: Because I really don't have enough going on every day, I just relaunched Toosday Toons over yonder at AfterEllen.com. For those of you who have known me for years, I think this marks Toosday Toons v4.0. Every time I think I'm out, et cetera et cetera something something obligatory Godfather III joke. As the title may imply, new strips will appear at AfterEllen on Tuesdays.


Thing the second: Mr. Eric Spudic of Spudic's Movie Empire has initiated a fundraising campaign to pay for radio advertising. Check it out! Or if you're in the Los Angeles area, stop by his store. Or if you're not in the Los Angeles area, check out his site and special order some goodies. It's a good old-fashioned movie store made for browsing and lovers of trash like myself. A gold mine, I tells ya!

Thing the third: The Viscera 2008-2009 DVD is finally on sale! Head over to The Chainsaw Mafia and nab yerself a copy. It's got my short film Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear on it, as well as Lip Stick, one of the films Shannon Lark and I made together. There's also a bunch of other shorts made by a bunch other awesome women. Blam!


Thing the fourth: Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear is now available for pre-order! Yes, you can get a copy of my lesbian vampire fashion doll "epic" to clutch to your very own bosoms. Thanks to the magic of my pal Andrew of Gonzoriffic, the DVD features both the film and a director's commentary track. Since I am the director, it would be safe to assume that the commentary track features me. It's only $5 plus shipping! It's a DVD-R, but it's got a fancy cover and a standard DVD case, totally safe for bosom-clutching. I'm going to try to put up a Paypal button now that will allow you to order directly. Let's see how this goes...I hope this button is gentle. It's my first time!

Thing the fifth: Thanks to everyone who watched the first episode of my new web show Space Girls. I'm hard at work on the second episode, and I promise some very cool guest stars are coming in future installments!
Thing the sixth: The Scare-ening is on tomorror night at 8pm PST. Tune in and listen! Or don't.

Thing the seventh: I swear I'm going to have a review up here tomorrow, even if it's the last thing I ever do. I hope it's not the last thing I ever do, but if it is, remember: YOU are my favorite reader!

one down...

Well, the first episode of The Scare-ening is in the can. If you visit the show page, there are links that will allow you to download it directly or through iTunes. It's, uh, NSFW.


It's also essentially an hour of madness. There are some kinks to work out and issues to resolve, and we'll get better at this stuff as we go. The show airs live, which leaves one (me) feeling all sorts of pressure. Life on the edge, I tells ya...it's as dangerous as it is glamorous!

Thanks to anyone who listened, and big thanks to our guests Hannah Neurotica of Ax Wound, Andrew Shearer, Monica Puller, and Rachael Deacon of Gonzoriffic, Brian Solomon of The Vault of Horror, and Brittney-Jade Colangelo of Day of the Woman.

Any and all hate mail should be sent to my co-host Heidi Martinuzzi. Hooray!

the last decade in "I Like"

Since the rest of the world posted their End O' the Decade Specials, you know, weeks ago, I figured this would be the perfect time for me to do the same. Always on the cutting edge, c'est moi! So, what exactly is it that I've assembled here? Well, it's simply a list of horror movies I've really enjoyed from the last decade. That's it. I'm not saying they're "the best", and they're not the only horror movies I've liked- in fact, I'm not quite sure what criteria I used in choosing titles beyond "Would I watch it again? Why, yes I would!" Therefore, this list is rather Final Girl-specific...in other words, there's probably lauded films you'll be surprised to find missing, and some real pieces of crap you'll be surprised to find included, but that's just how we do here at the ol' FG. That said, there are plenty of good movies I've yet to see- at least, I hope there are- so feel free to shout 'em out loud in the comments.

I meant to include ten films from each year to make a nice-n-weighty (that's my style) master list, but damn...some years just stunk and I had a tough time finding even a couple of titles to feature (2005, I'm looking at you!). On the other hand, 2007 and 2008 saw some fucking terrific movies. Oh, and release dates/years might be wonky, as they sometimes are, but again- that's just how we do. Links to reviews are provided, if I done reviewed 'em. Oh, and they're not in any particular order, but I'm going to put an asterisk next to my favorite selection from that specific year. A couple years, phew, it was a tough choice. Anyway, without further ado...

Fuck yeah! Later, decade!

2000

• Cherry Falls
• Final Destination
• American Psycho

• Nightmare
• Pitch Black
• The Convent*

2001

• Dagon
• Cookers
• Anal Paprika
• Just Seeing If You Were
• Paying Attention
• But That Really Is A Movie
• Session 9*

2002

• 28 Days Later
• Dog Soldiers
• Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

• The Ring*
• Ju-on
• Resident Evil

2003

• High Tension

• Dead End
• Final Destination 2
• Wrong Turn*

2004

• Dawn of the Dead
• Shaun of the Dead*
• Dead Birds

2005

• The Descent*
• Voice

2006

• Bug*
• Cold Prey
• All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (ha ha ha, "2006"!)

• Silent Hill
• Wilderness

2007

• Inside
• 28 Weeks Later
• The Mist
• The Orphanage
• [REC]*

• Black House
• Joshua
• Planet Terror

2008

• Let the Right One In
• Martyrs*

• Pontypool
• Resident Evil: Degeneration
• Splinter

2009

• Drag Me to Hell*
• Paranormal Activity
• My Bloody Valentine 3D
• Orphan

And there you go. Don't you feel more fulfilled now? I know I do.

So wait, those asterisks...does that mean that I liked The Convent more than I liked American fucking Psycho? Yes, it's true. Of the two, is The Convent the better film? Most certainly not. But "quality" doesn't always relate to "entertainment value", and I had more fun with the day-glo nuns. That's just the way it goes sometimes, homies. There's no accounting for taste.

2008 and 2009 were perhaps the most difficult for me to choose a "favorite". Did I actually enjoy Martyrs? That's really really not the right word, but it's a film I'm still thinking about months after seeing it...it's a film I'm still trying to wrap my head around enough to even write up something on it, something that the movie deserves. So yeah, I guess it was my favorite of that year. For 2009, it really came down to Drag Me to Hell and Orphan, for I so loved them both and had a grand time with each. Esther faltered a bit in the final lap, however, so the prize goes to the yuck-toothed gypsy. Hooray!

Looking back at the decade, it's remarkable how far the genre evolved between 2000- coming off the age of Scream and "WB horror"- and 2009. First of all, the WB doesn't exist anymore. Second, it seems that filmmakers are responding to the desires of the audiences (whether consciously or not) for smarter, more thought-provoking, effing scarier films. Sure there's always going to be stuff for us to complain about, from remakes to sucky sequels to general lameness, but if there's one thing I've learned from this post, it's that it's a great time to be a horror fan.

that's what I get!

From the desk of: DON'T SHOOT YOUR MOUTH OFF:

As you may or may not recall, just the other day I was bragging how I never get sick and how my white blood cells kick ass, right? Well, guess who felt like this all weekend?

I don't know what happened. Friday I went to a press day (the results of which will be revealed later on this week!) and I was feeling both hunky and dory. Then Friday night I was feeling neither, then late Friday night I was feeling really bad, then I spent two days mostly sleeping- waking up only to catch 5 minutes of Lockdown (it is vital that I know what prison entails and how I should behave if I should ever fins myself...locked down) or to turn on my Xbox before passing out again before I could pick up the controller. It was essentially shuffle to the couch, sleep, shuffle to the bed, sleep, take my temperature (I became obsessed with taking my temperature almost instantly), sleep, etc etc. Very, very weird. I don't know what happened, although I have my suspicions:

- One of you is a mean Drag Me to Hell-type gypsy who, after reading my post full of boasting, gave a shout of "I'll show her!" and promptly put a pox on me

- The recent anonymous commenter on my pregnancy scares post, who suggested that anyone who thinks babies are weird parasites should probably terminate themselves, somehow influenced my body to rebel on me

- I shouldn't have eaten the proffered piece of cake my roommate made for her boyfriend's birthday, as the eggs she used expired over a month ago...although they both seem to be fine

- It's probably because of something else you did

I don't know if there's any point to my talking about all of this except to say that I have nothing to post today because I'm only just starting to feel human again, or at least as close to human as I ever feel.

My near-death experience of being sick this weekend (okay, maybe that's exaggerating) not only got me obsessed with taking my own temperature, but it also reminded me that yes, we're all going to die someday. Hopefully, that day will be far far FARRRRRRR off, and hopefully death will not come via being boiled alive amongst the hot dogs, as is the case with that poor fellow in My Bloody Valentine. Still, everyone has an expiration date. Thinking about this filled my head with thoughts of "Oh dear lord, who has to throw away my dirty underwear once I'm dead?", and it made me glad that I don't have a journal full of bad poetry tucked away somewhere, just waiting to be discovered after I'm gone. Hooray!

one thousand

Dear y'all,

So this is it, my big 1000th post. Though I really have nothing profound to say (shock), I couldn't let the moment pass by without acknowledging it somehow. I marked the occasion of my 500th post with a rather lengthy entry describing Final Girl's humble roots and highlighting a few of my favorite posts. Wow, I just noticed that my 500th hit on November 20, 2007- almost two years ago to the day. That's surely significant of something...? Probably not. Anyway, what's happened in the two years since my last major milestone?

Since post #500...

...I think we can all agree that one of the best things that's happened around here has been the introduction of Briefcase Woman, who came along one fine day in May, 2008 to demonstrate the joys that can be had when one votes. Since then, she's spread her enthusiasm all over this blog like...like...well, let's honor her origins and vote for an apt simile, shall we?

poll by twiigs.com

Hooray!

...the Final Girl Film Club keeps chugging along, powered by the awesomeness of The Internet. We've covered a whopping 18 films since post 500, and there's no sign of stopping yet. Next up: The Wicker Man on December 14. What movies would you like to nominate for FGFC coverage? Before you answer, take a quick peek at my reviews archive to make sure I haven't already reviewed it.

...I made a movie- a few, really. Ludlow will be ready for mass consumption soon, a thought that's as terrifying as it is metaphorical boner-inducing.

...I've written 85 columns for AMC (holy crapping crap) and I've started contributing to Rue Morgue magazine. Both make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

...this little site just keeps on keepin' on, mostly business as usual. Reviews, stupid pictures, blah blah blah. As you know, I love Final Girl more than Donkey Kong loves throwing barrels at plumbers. While I could write exclusively for myself and be somewhat satisfied (being an only child grants me a +15 to both mana regeneration and my ability to entertain myself) (sorry, I've been playing Dragon Age: Origins) (it's so fucking awesome)...well, it wouldn't be the same without you guys reading it. Again, I say hooray!

Okay, now tell me what's been your favorite post or feature or whatevs here on Final Girl so I feel pretty.

What? I'm allowed to fish for ego-stroking compliments every 500 posts, that's the rule I made up.

Here's to 10,000 more posts! HUZZAH!

There comes a time when we heed a certain call...

...when the world must come together as one and CLICK THE BIG PURPLE BUTTON MULTIPLE TIMES to vote for my zombie/pizza mashup movie, They Won't Stay Fed!.

Thanks for the response so far...we're really gaining ground! Just think, someday this will all be over and you won't have to toil away like some sort of cyber Sisyphus, and I won't have to come up with a new and exciting way to ask for your votes every day. Won't that be awesome? In the meantime, please consider getting your 15 daily clicks on!

Did you vote today?

I did! And you know who else would if she could? Briefcase Woman. Yup, she'd click that big purple button and she'd be so excited about it!


Sorry to be obnoxious about this trawling for votes thing, but I'm really far behind all the people who entered weeks ago...so my obnoxiousness, I'm afraid, is going to continue. It's gross, I know. It'll be over when SHOCKTOBER is over, although...is that ever really over?

Thanks if you've voted for They Won't Stay Fed! already- and please consider making it one of your daily habits...you know, like brushing your teeth or watching Midwest Obsession (sorry, is that just me?). Click the big purple button...it'll take a second or three for your vote to register. Keep an eye on the vote tally just above the big purple button...then repeat until the big purple button tells you to come back tomorrow. It'll take you a minute, but you can vote 15 times in a row. Tell your friends! Tell your family! Tell strangers on the street, so long as they're obviously over the age of 18! Let's turn my so far behind in the polls status into a magnificent comeback, worthy of a crappy lite comedy!

*EDITED TO ADD: You can vote 15 times per day on their website AND on the widget here at FG, meaning 30 votes per day, per person. That's some serious clicking!

stuff

While I know you're a drooling fanboy/fangirl/fanthing for the So I Made A Movie series, it may not satisfy your itchy tasty cravings for some more practical low-to-no budget horror filmmaking. So...I Made A Column! At AMC! And it features Five Wee Rules for Making Your Own Backyard Horror Movie- sort of my mini version of Zen and the Art of DIY Horror, or some such. I'm not claiming to be an expert on anything, or even the person who bags the expert's groceries...but in the last year I've picked up the camera and pointed it at stuff many times, so I've learned a few things. Go and read it! Repost it! Then my editors at AMC will be all "Wow, Stacie, you're right- people are interested in this sort of column!" and I can write another one that contains more nuts and bolts advice, like how to make fake blood and stuff like that instead of counting down my top 5 favorite movies that feature people without hair or whatever. Do it for me! Better yet...do it for Briefcase Woman!

If you are a millionaire, take note: a limited number of tickets to the Reaper Awards are available to lucky fans for a mere $150 a pop! That doesn't get you into the cocktail party, but you get to watch the ceremony, which...is all about horror on DVD. Some online and print genre journalists came up with a list of nominees, and now you can go vote to determine, say, the best Blu-Ray horror release.

In other awards ceremony news, I present to you the five nominees in the category Things I Would Get With $150 Instead:

• 18 copies of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon to pass out on street corners
• 340 postage stamps to use on 340 letters to Lifetime Movie Network, thus beginning my grassroots campaign advocating Final Girl as Lifetime Movie Network Programmer for a Day
• 26 gallons of Raspberry Ice Crystal Light ('cause I believe in me!)
• I could make a few short films for $150, no probs
• PIZZA

And the winner is...I'll let you know as soon as I have $150 lying around!

the end of the beginning of the end

First off, let me just say that I have no clue what that post title is supposed to mean. Hopefully you can find some sort of deep symbolism or what have you.

Kids, tomorrow's the big day! Which big day, you ask? Well, it's the big day where I head back to Ludlow to finish shooting Ludlow. Hooray! You know what that really means? It means we're all getting to that time when I no longer have to talk incessantly about this damn movie because I will no longer be thinking incessantly about this movie. What a glorious day that shall be!

So, I'll be back in a week's time. Shannon Lark is here (duh...although I did toy with the idea of replacing her with Sarah Chalke for the remaining scenes) (that's a Roseanne reference) (I fucking love me some Roseanne) (seriously, I get trapped when Nick At Nite or whatever shows 50 Roseanne episodes in a row...I can't stop watching) (I'm like a chain smoker except instead of smoking, I'm...you know...watching episodes of Roseanne) and we've got several big big days planned: finishing Ludlow, shooting one of her short films, shooting a trailer for one of my films (ooh la la!) and camping for two days in Death Valley. All that in a week? Pfft...no probs.

However, the average summer temperature in Death Valley is right around one million point three; therefore, if you don't hear from me some time next week, please send a search party out to look for our shriveled-up corpses. Hooray again! HOORAY AGAIN I SAY.


I'd like to give one last round of thanks to everyone who donated, even if you could only spare some kind thoughts. Your generosity is overwhelming, and it's amazing to have people believe in us and this project...and thanks to all of you, the scenes we're adding to the film are the best yet. I just hope you end up liking the finished product...I'd hate to have you embarrassed that your money went to (and your name is attached to) some piece of dook.

Watch lots of horror movies whilst I'm gone!

Oh my lord, I love Briefcase Woman.

Yes, and YOU, Charles Nelson Reilly.

Oh, and YOU, dear readers!

won't you help a sista out?

You will?! Oh, fabulous. It's so easy! All you have to do is:

1. Head over to AMC and read my latest, all about stuff you should...you know, watch. If you left a comment over there, or clicked "recommend", that would make my editor happy. Trust me, it's horrible when she's NOT happy. I'm not going to say she hits me, but she totally does.
2. Wish a happy birthday to Chainsaw Mafia honcho (honchette?), Fangoria Spooksmodel, Ludlow staaaah, and all around super lady Shannon Lark.

Shannon Lark: bloody and "with it", yet totally gluten-free

What oh what will you get in return, besides that thrilling feeling one only gets when doing a good cyber-deed? Here's what you'll get: a whopping almost ten minutes of awesomely horrible horribly awesome horriblawesomeness from that craptacular flick I recently reviewed, Don't Go in the Woods...Alone! Finally, after all these few days, you can witness for yourself some of the worst acting in the history of ever- and all for just a few clicks. Hooray for everything!

Film Club: Amityville II

I'm not going to expend a lot of jibber jabber before I get to the nougaty center of this story, which is thus: I totally did not watch Amityville II: The Possession.

I know. Could I BE any more of a lame? No...no, I could not. But gather 'round, all yon children, whilst I weave a tapestry of reasons and excuses to hang on the wall of the Final Girl Film Clubhouse!

Mr. Roper obviously has neither the time nor the inclination to listen to my blathering. He also seems to indicate that he finds the entire affair a little "fruity".*

Anyway, since I announced the selection I kept putting off watching it and doing other things and making some stuff and whatever, you know? And let's face it, I was a little bit bleh about the whole thing from the get go, which left me unmotivated to watch it- just ask my mom! I told her that very same thing yesterday when I dutifully did my duty and called her for Mother's Day. I probably should have postponed the due date, but those of you who are far more diligent than I started sending links to your reviews, so I felt I should I should just dutifully do this other duty- the duty of watching it. Earlier today I decided the time was right and Burt Young or no Burt Young, I had to get going. I went over to Hulu to get my Amityville on, only to discover that the movie was GONE. Gone as in no longer on the site, as if it fell into the depths of Hell through that weird, hidden red room in the basement. This was discouraging.

Denise Richards is as shocked as I was.

Rest assured, however, that my quest for Amityville II did not end there! People, I actually put on shoes and walked to the video store to pick up a copy, only to find giant signs plastered everywhere stating that Video Hut is going out of business, and that everything simply must go. I spent a good deal of time browsing, as movies were going for $5. However, this sale has been going on for a week or so and the place was pretty picked over- I'd go so far as to say that the remaining pickins, in fact, were quite disappointing. Either I'd seen the movies but felt no desire to own a copy forever and ever (stuff like I Know What You Did Last Summer) or my curiosity about a film simply didn't warrant spending a whopping five bucks (stuff like The Return starring Sarah Michelle Gellar; did anybody actually see that?). I almost bought Guns and Lipstick starring Sally Kirkland and Robert Forster, but in the end I left Video Hut empty handed. Of course, now that I'm thinking about it, I kinda want to go back for that movie. Or if I have a sudden, burning desire to pick up anything from the Erika Eleniak catalogue, as it seems it was available in its entirety.

As I walked home, I felt like a big ol' douche that I wouldn't be able to post a review for my own fucking Film Club. But then The Carrie Nations came on my walkman...excuse me, my iPod...and I felt better. So much better, in fact, that I spent the rest of my stroll home wondering why I haven't yet picked Beyond the Valley of the Dolls for the Film Club regardless of the fact that it's not horror. Then I wondered how I could get Erica Gavin to be in one of my movies, and then I was home. Then I did some other stuff, and now I'm here telling you all about my fascinating attempts to watch Amityville II: The Possession. That's...totally better than a review, right? Briefcase Woman thinks so, hooray!


Film Club Coolies, y'all!

The Film Club Coolies are EXTRA cool this time ('cause, you know, they actually watched the damn movie and wrote about it), and I implore you to visit their sites. They're not lame-os like yours truly, even though REALLY it's all Hulu's fault**.

The Verdant Dude
Zombie Cupcake
Vegan Voorhees
Creature Cast
Banned in Queensland
Michael Petrik
The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
The Horror Section
Bloody Good Horror
Down Inside You're Dirty
RJ Battles
From the Depths of DVD Hell
Emma Blackwood
Stephanie Vaughn
















*Big ups to my pal Brent Schoonover for sending me this picture. I've been waiting for any old excuse to post it.

**Still, I'm gonna watch this movie one day, I swear. No, honest, I SWEAR. I really want to see Amityville Dollhouse and Amityville Part Whatever: It's About Time, so I'll just have to make an Event Week out of it. I mean, I friggin' loved Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes!

whee

Thanks to everyone who entered the Fango ticket giveaway thingie. Winners have been chosen and notified! And to all those who didn't win or who don't live close enough to warrant an entry into said ticket giveaway thingie, behold the immortal words of Briefcase Woman...

"While those who weren't chosen or who don't live close enough to warrant an entry may feel low right now, let's remember that we're all winners of different flavors, each and every one of us, including me!"

I remember when she said that I should remember that when I didn't win Dancing With the Stars, the Home Edition. She's so inspirational.

awesome movie poster friday- the POWER TO THE PEOPLE edition!

As you may recall, I sent up a flare requesting some Awesome Movie Posters from you Awesome People. Those of you who aren't jerks sent in some awesome movie posters, and now I'm a-fixin' to put 'em up here.

Alright, so none of you is a jerk. I just tend to lash out at people who don't do what I tell them to do, probably because I'm some sort of megalomaniac. Man, life was so much easier when I was but a Lego maniac.

Anyhoo, behold the mighty creativity of people who visit the internet!

Astrogirl, the one who started this idea

Vicki
"Themes of love found, then lost, then imprisoned, and eventually eaten by the walking dead..."


Will Brownridge, Hagi's Movie-a-Day

Nik, Script Tease

Mike Royer, The Blog To End All Blogs


B.E. Earl, The Verdant Dude


Goblin

Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary's Horror-i-flick Movie Revue

Sad Man, MovieTalk Boards


Spazmo, The Miskatonic Mansion


Mike Petrik, Hombre Films

Tlieso, So says the Nerd Queen!

Michael

RC

J. Astro, The Cheap Bin

The Dark, The Dark in the Dark


Placenta Ovaries


Corey, Evil on Two Legs

I sincerely hope some Hollywood Fat Cat sees these posters and does the right thing. Look at these ideas! Briefcase Woman! Tom Atkins! Linnea Quigley! Motorcycle Cars! A Jason who can swim! Carnies! These need to be seen.