SHOCKtober Day 30

Now that SHOCKtober 2022 has begun gurgling its death rattle, for today's favorite character I say it's time to pay respect to one of the reasons for the season: Mr. The Shape himself, Michael Margaret Myers. But not just any old iteration of le booeyman, no! I'm talking about the one and only...

BESPECTACLED AND BESHEETED MICHAEL MYERS IN HALLOWEEN (1978)

It's an iconic lewk, to be sure. But it's also...really effing weird. We hear so much about how Michael Myers is sooo evil but we don't hear a lick about him being sooo strange. Laying out Annie's body on the bed with his sister Judith's headstone, we could chalk that up to ooh, spooky and macabre. On one level, Michael standing there under that sheet and breathin' real heavy is also ooh, spooky and macabre. But also, Michael went through a lot of trouble to...play a prank? I can't decide if that makes him more terrifying or less, to be honest.

While Lynda waited upstairs for her post-coital beer, Michael killed Bob and took his glasses. Then he rummaged around in drawers or closets to find a white sheet, figured out where the eye holes should go, cut 'em just right, then got himself all garbed up for Lynda's big surprise. I just imagine him thinking--and maybe uttering, who knows--a few "hee hee hee"s while he's putting this all together.

Side note, I also imagine him thinking--and maybe uttering, who knows--a few "Where the fuck is it?"s while walking around the cemetery in search of Judith's grave, since he would have no idea where she was buried.

That Michael, what a prankster! What would Dr. Loomis make of all this? (Probably something about the devil's jokes and evil, no doubt.)

One More Dark Night

About a month ago I saw a listing for a brand spankin' new Special Edition of One Dark Night and let me tell you, I clicked "add to cart" so fast that my finger actually caught on fire. It was very painful but so worth it. A horror movie from 1982 starring Meg Tilly? Yes and please! And then My Brain chimed in.

"You've seen this," said My Brain.

"No I haven't," I replied. "I would remember."

"You saw it once and you didn't like it."

"Haha, oh Brain," I said. "Stop trying to fool me with all of this FAKE NEWS. Didn't like it? Brain, you know my Meg Tilly feelings are everlasting, strong, and true. Not liking this movie falls into the realm of the unpossible."

"Why don't you check the Final Girl review archive if you don't believe me?"

"I will not be doing that. That's enough now Brain, I bid you good day!" I shut My Brain down completely so I wouldn't have to endure any sass, and for the next several hours I sat staring into nothingness and drooling all over myself. This, too, was so worth it.

Then lo, time passed (as it does) and the Blu-ray arrived. I secretly thought...hmm, I think I have seen this. I feel like maybe I didn't like it? Could My Brain have been right all along?

In search of answers I finally clicked the FG review archives and there it was. I had already seen One Dark Night, and no, I didn't like it. I gave it a 2/10! (Rating movies was a thing back then, what can I say.) Sure, sure, I had soldiered through a very rough cut of the film with no sound effects or music, but even so, I estimated that a fully-realized version would still only rate a 4/10 from me. While the film seemed to have the requirements for some delightful B-grade delight, I said that ultimately One Dark Night "could barely muster enough thrills to merit being called D-grade." So harsh! Would my feelings change more than a decade (!!!) since that original review?

Fuck yeah they would, are you nuts?

While relaxing in a tub filled with the blood of a hundred virgins every night ensures that somehow I become more beautiful with each passing year, it seems that I also grow wiser and, although surely no one thought it was possible, my taste gets better and better. What I am saying is that Past Me had no idea what's up, because obviously what's up is One Dark Night. This shit rules!

If you want a rundown of the plot, you can read that dopey old review. But I'm living in the now, baby, where all we talk about is what makes One Dark Night so great.

It is EG Daily at perhaps her feistiest. It is purple satin jackets and Kitty chewing on a toothbrush throughout the proceedings ("I guess I just like the way it tastes."). It is insults like "nerdlebrain" and "turkey", it is Spencer's Gifts-style blue movie lightning shooting out of eyes and fingertips. It's teenagers handing out downers (Demerol, to be specific) like it's no big deal. It's an army of telekinetically-controlled corpses dragging their toes as they float down the mausoleum hallway. It's grosser than its PG rating warrants, with slime and maggots and peeling skin; it's got sequences that are genuinely unnerving, whether it's girls scared into silence as they watch a coffin slowly open or those same girls getting all besheeted and laughing as they try to scare the life out of one of their own.

I will cut Past Me some slack, as the cut I watched–and, to be fair, the cut I probably shouldn't have reviewed–was designed to be a bonus feature for those who have already seen the movie. With a cruddy picture and no sound, I'm sure One Dark Night seemed far beyond salvation and completely without merit. To be fair, the movie does have some pacing problems and more than a few questions that remain unanswered after its abrupt ending. But when the blue movie lighting and corpses start to fly, it's a damn good time.

I am so glad I didn't listen to My Brain, otherwise I probably would have said "Oh yeah, that movie stinks" and subsequently canceled my order. Look what changes in opinion a decade can bring! What a fool I was! Should either of us–you and me, Reader–ever listen to My Brain? NO. Should either of us ever trust my opinion? NO.

Except now, when I tell you that One Dark Night rules!

scenes i love - salem's lot

As Ben fashions a cross out of medical tape and tongue depressors, Mrs Glick awakens as a vampire. The waiting...the dread, knowing that the sheet covering her body is going to move- is almost too much to bear. I forget about it sometimes, but man, I heart Salem's Lot.

And David Soul totally brings it in this scene.

I should be working...

...but why work when I can post about...err, stuff?

ITEM! All right, remember just the other day when I claimed to be cutting-edge a mere 86% of the time? Clearly I underestimated myself to the extreme! I mean, why else would Logo Television ask me to be on the nominating committee for their NewNowNext Awards? I had no idea that my finger was so firmly planted on the pulse of what's hip and happening in the world of pop culture, but I guess it is. Before I go completely mad with power at the notion of being An Academy Member, however, I'm going to use said power for good and implore you to vote for my friends in a couple of categories. No, I'm certainly not above nominating my friends when and where I can (in all honesty, if they deserve the nomination) and then asking people who don't know my friends to vote for said friends. Isn't that what the internet is for? Well, that and arguing over whether Darth Vader could beat Jason Voorhees in a fight.

He totally could, by the way. He'd bust out some Force shit and Jason wouldn't be able to get within machete-swinging range.

*sniff* Hey, do you smell that? Eww. It smells like nerd all of a sudden.

Anyway, you can see all the categories and nominees and get your vote on RIGHT HERE. No, there's nothing horror-related, despite my attempts to wield my nominating power to further my horror agenda. However, if you happened to vote for my pal Bridget McManus in the Brink of Fame: Comic category and my pal Jill Bennett in the 'Cause You're Hot category, I promise that in return you'll get ample good karma and at least 75 cool points.


ITEM! Who likes toys? I have to admit, I do. Then again, you may know that by now; you saw Michael Myers lend me support that fateful day in '05 when I had my Halloween movie marathon, and Freddy has hung out with my peeps on occasion (OMG Hot Cocoa is so cute).



NECA has this cult classics line which is pretty damn sweet. Check it out!

If there's one toy I'm going to have to break down and buy at some point, it's good ol' Baghead Jason. He seems to be popping up all over the place lately! Plus...interchangeable head!

The best part about this Patrick Bateman figure is the little videocassette. Clearly he was on his way to return it when he got sidetracked.


It's nice to see Dapper Transvestite Leatherface get immortalized in plastic, no?

One of the most "Wait, that's so silly...no wait, that's kind of scary...but it's stupid...yet frightening- does not compute!" moments in horror becomes one of the most "Wait, that's so silly...no wait, that's kind of scary...but it's stupid...yet frightening- does not compute!" moments in toys: a besheeted Michael Myers from Halloween. I think I made up "besheeted". Use it in a sentence today!


I remember going to see The Exorcist when "The Version You've Never Seen" was released in theaters, and I remember every person in said theater being completely fucking blown away by the infamous spider walk sequence. It was so unexpected, so ridiculous and over-the-top, and I'm telling you, the place went nuts after Regan busted a move down those stairs. The plastic version of this sequence leaves me feeling decidedly less nuts, I'm sad to say.

It's kind of cool, but it also kind of just looks like a kid falling down the stairs.

Holy crap, I love love love the Flyboy figure from Romero's Dawn of the Dead. I hope they keep making these- where are Sweater Zombie and Nurse Zombie and Machete Zombie? And I want the biker gang! And Ken Foree! And then a scale model of the mall! And a helicopter with a rotating blade and a zombie with head-chopped-off action!

And a pony!




So, do you fancy yourself to be a toy collector? What would you like to see hit the market? What would you buy? I kind of want a little army of snowsuit-clad dwarves from The Brood, but I'd be way too creeped out to sleep with them staring at me so I'd have to put them in a box at tuck it away at the back of my closet every night and that would be a pain.

ITEM! I'd like to take a moment to wish a wicked HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my friend Jim, whom I've known longer than anyone in the whole entire world besides my family. Here's a touching old photograph of Jim and his son.


Whilst trying to find a picture of him that wasn't completely humiliating I came across this one, taken in...Memphis, I believe, when we took a big fat road trip a couple of years ago. It speaks for itself, doesn't it?