Showing posts with label Totally Twisted Thursday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Totally Twisted Thursday. Show all posts
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Totally Twisted Thursday
This isn't funny, but I really liked it, and wanted to post it!!
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Totally Twisted Thursday
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Totally Twisted Thursday
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, Betty's husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, Betty decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat..
He pulls up alongside Betty and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' said Betty.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think
One morning, Betty's husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, Betty decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat..
He pulls up alongside Betty and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' said Betty.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think
Thursday, September 9, 2010
TOTALLY TWISTED THURSDAY
These are pretty cool, but this guy has a lot of time on his hands.
These are all designs made out of the lead in a pencil.
Who would have ever thought to do this??
These are all designs made out of the lead in a pencil.
Who would have ever thought to do this??
Thursday, September 2, 2010
TOTALLY TWISTED THURSDAY
Hey guys, I just realized that I forgot to do my Make Me Laugh Monday Post this week.
I am sorry about that!! So to make up for it, I will make this one two times as funny!! (I hope!!)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
TOTALLY TWISTED THURSDAY
Today is one of those days where I wish I would win the Lottery!!! Because I didn't (I am like joke #2 LOL) I am going to do some lottery humor!!
Enjoy!!!
Redneck Lottery Winner
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
Lottery Prayer
Sam was in dire trouble. His business had gone bust and he was in serious financial trouble.
He was so desperate he decided to pray for help.
He began, ‘God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.’
Lottery night came and Sam didn’t win.
Again Sam prays, ‘God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.’
Lotto night comes and Sam still has no luck.
Once again, he prays, ‘My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.’
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
Sam is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
‘Sam,’ says God, ‘meet Me halfway on this. Buy a bloody ticket.’
Lottery Win
A man rushed into his house and yelled to his wife, "Susan, pack your things. I just won the National Lottery!’
‘Brilliant,’ replied Susan, ‘shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’
‘I don't care.’ the man said, ‘just so long as you're out of the house by noon!’
The Lottery Winner:
Jacob considers himself to be one of the lucky ones because he’s the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. He’s now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he’s been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million.
A journalist from the Times calls on him for a story.
Jacob tells him, “As I’m the only one in my family to have survived the concentration camps, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So, I’ve decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Centre, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I’m also thinking of donating $1 to the Nazi Party from my winnings.”
The journalist is surprised. “But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that’s happened to you and your family?”
Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, “It’s only fair. They gave me the winning numbers.”
This video is funny!! Just be careful watching it around kids. It is adult related!!
Enjoy!!!
Redneck Lottery Winner
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
Lottery Prayer
Sam was in dire trouble. His business had gone bust and he was in serious financial trouble.
He was so desperate he decided to pray for help.
He began, ‘God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.’
Lottery night came and Sam didn’t win.
Again Sam prays, ‘God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.’
Lotto night comes and Sam still has no luck.
Once again, he prays, ‘My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.’
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
Sam is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
‘Sam,’ says God, ‘meet Me halfway on this. Buy a bloody ticket.’
Lottery Win
A man rushed into his house and yelled to his wife, "Susan, pack your things. I just won the National Lottery!’
‘Brilliant,’ replied Susan, ‘shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’
‘I don't care.’ the man said, ‘just so long as you're out of the house by noon!’
The Lottery Winner:
Jacob considers himself to be one of the lucky ones because he’s the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. He’s now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he’s been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million.
A journalist from the Times calls on him for a story.
Jacob tells him, “As I’m the only one in my family to have survived the concentration camps, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So, I’ve decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Centre, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I’m also thinking of donating $1 to the Nazi Party from my winnings.”
The journalist is surprised. “But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that’s happened to you and your family?”
Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, “It’s only fair. They gave me the winning numbers.”
This video is funny!! Just be careful watching it around kids. It is adult related!!
| Jokes.com | ||||
| Derrick Cameron - The Lottery | ||||
| ||||
Thursday, August 19, 2010
TOTALLY TWISTED THURSDAY
THINGS WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY!!
BEHIND EVERY
SUCCESSFUL WOMAN
IS HERSELF
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN
ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW
TO COMBINE MARRIAGE
AND A CAREER
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME
DO NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN
ALL STRESSED OUT
AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
And last but not least:
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
A REAL MAN
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make
sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all
that.......
Never mind.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
TOTALLY TWISTED THURSDAY
Yesterday morning, Jenny quit her job with a (flash)bang by emailing these photos to the entire office, about 20 employees we're told.
Awesome doesn't begin to describe this office heroine.
Awesome doesn't begin to describe this office heroine.
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