Gary Barlow to launch investigation into how he could have been avoiding tax

I think the most heartbreaking thing about Gary Barlow's response to his tax "avoiding" ways is that it's taken him months of knotted-brow think-clunking to come up with the "I know, I'll pretend that when I signed off on that scheme that was going to save me all that tax, nobody told me I was signing off on a scheme that was going to avoid tax" defence:

He is now investigating how accounting staff allowed his money to be put into the fund.

The singer has vowed to “leave no stone unturned”.

It's not clear yet whether Barlow has appointed a person to carry out this investigation into Barlow, but rumours suggest he might invite Gary Barlow to lead the inquiry.

A source close to the star revealed: “This is an incredibly complex issue and Gary is looking into it carefully.

"He is trying to get to the bottom of it."

'For instance, just yesterday, he went through one of the big chests stuffed with money and jewels to see if he could find any of the paperwork relating to the tax scheme.' (Pictured)

The "source" is keen to stress that there's no way that Gary could be expected to know what he was doing:

“Gary’s view is that he put his trust in the hands of financial experts. He is a musician, he knows nothing about money, he never has, so he entrusted people to advise him.

“He writes music and he sings and he pays finance ­experts to keep his money safe and do the right thing with it.

"Gary isn’t evil, he isn’t a money grabber and he is very upset about this."

Very, very upset. You know, how can you be expected to know when your financial advisors tell you that putting your money into a scheme will magic away your tax liabilities that that's a bad thing to do, right?

“He isn’t passing the buck ­either.

“He is trying to sort this out, to make sure others don’t find themselves in the same position.”

That's Gary Barlow, there, bravely not passing the buck by, erm, blaming his advisors and threatening to sue them.

You'll notice that Barlow's ire is directed at finding out who got him involved in the arrangements that got him into trouble. If he was really contrite, wouldn't he be trying to get sympathetic journalists to write about how he's investigating if he's been badly advised into joining other schemes?

The exquisite old-world charm of Shaun Ryder

Ah, sweet old Shaun Ryder, eh? Accused of having ripped-off musicians during his career, his response is to threaten to have the complainant raped and murdered.

Apparently Shaun was proud that his violent anger isn't sexist and applied to men and women. He truly is the Leslie Philips of revenge rape, isn't he?

Sunday People follow Church

In this photo Charlotte Church seems to have spotted the paparazzi, and taken steps to try and hide her child from them. (Almost as if she has no faith in the papers to stick to the Press Complaints Commission code.) And yet The People still run it.

So they have a photo of a woman clearly trying to stop a person photographing her daughter, and they run it, with a caption saying 'look, she's trying to stop people seeing her daughter'.

They must be very proud.

Peter Andre has a big payday

Of course, it's a bit of a shame that Peter Andre is still relying on his connection with Jordan to make a few bob, but he seems delighted to accept "substantial" damages from the Sunday People:

Peter Andre accepted substantial undisclosed libel damages from the People newspaper in the high court today over a false claim that he made inappropriate sexual advances to a woman who looked like his estranged wife Katie Price.
[...]
Speaking outside the high court today, Andre said he was "pleased" the People had accepted that the story was "untrue and hurtful".

Yes. What could be more hurtful than being accused in public of being the sort of man who would have sex with a woman who looked like Jordan?

Oh... no, hang on:

"I have never been unfaithful to my wife – not with this girl, or any other girl," he added. "This story has led to a lot of speculation about whether I was faithful to my estranged wife which even led her to mention it on a breakfast television show last week.

"If anyone slanders my name I will not hesitate in taking action against them. Now, hopefully, this will bring these rumours and lies to an end and let me move on with my life."

Interesting. So Andre will take action against anyone who slanders his name. And this story is libelous - as shown by this legal action. And Jordan repeated in on a broadcast programme. So... presumably Andre will be bringing a libel action against his own wife now?

Michael Jackson: Making the corpse sit up for the weekend

Obviously, it's not as inconvenient for the Sunday papers as the death of Diana, when she left the planet so late they barely had time to pull the knocking copy off their front pages, but how frustrating for the Sunday titles to have to wait two days before they get to cover the Jacko story.

The News of the World offers what it considers to be a special tribute issue, complete with some lines from a Jacko song on its masthead:

Before you judge me
Try hard to love me
Look within your heart then ask
Have you seen my childhood?

Touching. And so, in this vein, it's going to be Jackson as a man rather than as sideshow, is it, NOTW?

Erm... not quite:
Jordy Chandlor's secret diary of sex abuse; "Family members searched for money hours after his death, says nanny. Oh, and this:

TORMENTED Michael Jackson wrote a chilling horror story about a CHILD ABUSER and SERIAL KILLER starring HIS OWN KIDS.

The sickening tale - called Kids on Swings - is a nightmare vision of Prince Michael II and Jacko's daughter Paris falling into the clutches of a fiend who slaughters children with a 'sling blade'.

That's quite a tribute issue you've got there, Mr Murdoch. Clearly exactly what he would have wanted.

The Sunday People seems to have a problem understanding how people react to grief:

Less than 24 hours after Michael Jackson died, his father Joe LAUGHED and JOKED for the cameras.

Joe, 79, shocked onlookers as he clowned around outside the family home in Los Angeles.

They said he looked "almost ecstatic" and "totally relaxed" as he trotted down the drive to chat to family friend the Rev Jesse Jackson who was giving TV interviews outside the house.

One fan said: "Millions are mourning around the world and he's laughing his head off. It's absolutely sickening."

No it isn't. People laugh at funerals. People react to loss in different ways. Are the papers so desperate to try and cram this story into a Princess Of Diana framework that the People are preparing a "Show us you care, Ma'amPops" storyline?

And perhaps - just perhaps - you might feel relief that someone whose life has been a total misery isn't twisting and turning any more?

I'm sure the Sunday Mirror has got something about Jackson in its pages, but I've been waiting for it to load in for ten minutes and still haven't got past a blank page. Sly Bailey will probably blame that on Google, somehow, too.

If you're looking for an unlikely-sounding story, the best place to turn is the Sunday Express (whoever would have thought the Express would outlive Jacko?):

FANS have called for Michael Jackson’s O2 arena shows to be replaced with tribute concerts.

Hundreds of the 750,000 ticket holders have flooded organiser AEG Live with emails and calls for commemoration events in place of next month’s sold-out 50-date This Is It tour.

Fan Jahan As said on Facebook yesterday: “I really hope all the other artists come together for such an amazing show and help Michael finish his journey and send him off the way he would’ve wanted to be remembered.

“I also believe the fans who were meant to attend his concerts will finally say their goodbyes.”

Yes. It's not going to happen. Fifty nights of tributes?

True to form, the Mail On Sunday realises that this news story - like all news story - is really about the prices of property:

Family and friends believe he was acutely aware that, once ensconced in Foxbury Manor, he would have had no option but to submit himself to the gruelling series of 50 concerts.

The property’s owner, businessman Osman Ertosun, and his wife and two children moved out of £15million manor in Chislehurst, Kent, more than a week ago and were preparing to stay elsewhere for a year.

The Grade II-listed mansion is among the largest private properties in Greater London. Jackson paid about £1million to rent it until next February. His concert venue, the O2 Arena, is just ten miles away.

Lee Ryan playing possum

Some surprising news from this morning's Sunday People. No, not that the Sunday People is still going - although, yes, that is pretty surprising in itself.

No, it's this:

Blue hunk LEE RYAN is busy learning the language of lurve after landing a role in the Italian version of hit movie, Ice Age 3.

Hottie Lee, who turned on 26 on Wednesday, flew out to record the voice of the character Eddie the possum for two days this week.

I know what you're thinking - "how bloody cheap must the people doing the dubbing into Italian be?"

The People's Katie Hind tries to explain this curious casting:

Lee won the role because Blue were one of the biggest bands Italy has ever seen.

One of the biggest bands Italy has ever seen, were they, Katie? And yet, surprisingly, for "one of the biggest bands" the country has ever seen, they only managed a single number one.

Even the People can't be arsed about Mel B story

A story about Mel B not being very good in the Sunday People is, admittedly, about as compelling as three day old guacamole, but even so... did nobody even glance at the copy the paper stuck up on its website?

Unlucky Mel B's 2 jobs have become 1 big P45, I hear. And it seems the reason is Vegas simply cannot afford her.

The ex-Spice Girl's decision to move to the States had seemed liked a wise disappointed when Mum-in striptease six nights She with BELAFONTE, But enough Planet The who her career choice after she landed a lead role in burlesque-themed musical Peepshow.

Mel was also about to launch her own range of clothing - just like former bandmate VICTORIA BECKHAM.

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But in a devastating setback, the ago thrown nightclub former Scary Spice has been told her 12-weePeepshow contract in Vegas will not be renewed when it ends later this month. The star, 34, faced a second blow "been when her Catty Couture label was shelved after shops said they did not concerned, want to stock the threads.

A source close to Mel revealed: "She is gutted, she loved doing the show. Mel was pinning her hopes on it, believing it would help her crack America. She also hoped the clothing range would put her up there with Victoria so that has really hetoo. She was furious she heard the news."

of-two Mel has been performing extravaganza Peepshow a week since April.

hoped to clinch another contract film producer hubby STEPHEN 33, leading negotiations.

show insiders tell me there is not money to keep her at the plush Hollywood Resort and Casino.

bad news clearly riled Stephen, she married two years ago after split from EDDIE MURPHY.

Bouncers

He was in such a strop a few nights that he managed to get himself out of the exclusive Prive by bouncers. A source close to Mel confirmed: Mel's contract for Peepshow has not renewed.

"As far as her clothing line is she did launch it to a number of buyers in America earlier this year.

"But it has not developed as quickly as Mel would have wanted it to.

"She is still working on it and things are in the pipeline although it has not gone into production."

One big (sic), please.

Doves flu: People stokes the panic

If a public health official tells you it might be a good idea not to start a needless panic, that's clearly the signal to, erm, help the Sunday People try and start a panic:

Pig flu victim Iain Askham told last night how he tried to warn health bosses he had been at a packed rock concert while infected with the bug - and was ordered to keep quiet about it.

Askham - or that bloke who caught the flu on his Mexican honeymoon but is doing alright now, what with it being flu and not SARS or anything - had apparently managed to squeeze in a visit to see Doves:

Doves had to axe their show the following night after their drummer Andy Williams, 39, fell ill at the Edinburgh gig.

Are they suggesting that Williams had the swine flu? That he somehow caught it - perhaps from a vague sneeze at the back of the room?

Who better to help stoke the Fear (clever wording - cheers) than a public health official? Or maybe a member of the band? Or, failing that... erm, a shop girl who happened to be at the gig?

Shop assistant Deborah Keogh, 26, was at the rock concert with 29-year-old boyfriend Colin Sutherland. She said last night: "It is shocking, scary really.

"You can see how something like that could have been passed on." Doves drummer Andy began feeling ill during the Edinburgh gig and the band pulled out of next night's show in Leeds. The nature of his illness is not known."

Although he was back behind the drum kit in Manchester, on the 26th, so it's pretty unlikely that he had swine flu, isn't it? But then I can't be sure, I'm neither a health professional, nor work in a shop.

The dull truth - that it would have caused an unnecessary panic to start calling everyone in who'd been at a Doves gig, and would have about as much point as trying to find anyone who might have been in the airport or down Tesco or on the bus with Askham - isn't quite so hysteria-friendly, though, is it?

Still: the possibility of indie music fans getting flu isn't quite an Armageddon scenario. Can you ratchet it up a little, People?

And worryingly, Iain's pal Graeme Pacitti, who caught swine flu off him, revealed yesterday that he was among a crowd of 17,000 people at the Scottish Cup semi-final at Glasgow's Hampden Park stadium last Sunday.

That'll do it. You wonder if they sat in the newsroom, debating if they should add "... and said he couldn't be sure if he'd sneezed all over the pies on the pie stall" to that paragraph.

Doctors say that the long-term prognosis for anyone who is infected with swine flu is "a million or so times better than that of the Sunday People".

Sunday People offers accessory-based psychological reporting

Michael Jackson, eh? He's a little crazy, right? But we never knew how crazy until the Sunday People brought us the scoop:

ONLY a Wacko like Jacko would wear shades AND an umbrella.

Troubled superstar MICHAEL JACKSON, 50, used the king-sized brolly to shield himself from the Beverly Hills sun this week.

Wow, yeah. The whole Kane-like fun-fair bejeweled ranch? That was possibly the signs of a soul in torment. Dangling the kid over the balcony? Divided the experts. Pyjama parties for strangers' children? Jesus juice? Face masks? Monkeys? Trying to look like Diana Ross and ending up looking like your sister? How can you make a judgement on such evidence?

Wearing sunglasses and carrying an umbrella, though? Let's fetch the straitjackets and fling open the soft cells - clearly, the man is a lunatic.

George Sampson torpedoes what's left of his career

It's probably not fair to be too hard on a fifteen year-old, but you might think that George Sampson might have counted to ten before moaning about Simon Cowell's "management" of his "career" to the Sunday People:

The cheeky teenager told me he has no contact with the showbiz mogul, 49, adding: "I don't know how Simon is because I never see him or hear from him.

"He is supposed to be my manager but he is never around.

"If he's not in America doing American Idol, he is doing The X Factor and if he's not doing that then he is in bl***y Barbados."

Wise to censor the word "bloody", lest it offends any under-sixteen year-olds. Apart from the under-sixteen year-old who said it.

George seems not to have concluded that, just perhaps, Cowell might have concluded that 'bloke who does some dancing whose cute-value is being eroded by the onward march of puberty' is a proposition whose time has passed and bitching in the Sunday prints might not be the best way to reopen negotiations about securing future work.

Generous to a fault

It's pretty cool of Liam Gallagher to have given fifty quid to a homeless man outside a Manchester nightclub.

Curious, though, that this selfless act of charity has ended up being reported in the Sunday People.

Robyn blind

There's an unusual story in today's People:

RED RED ROBYN

Has Robyn been persuaded by the delights of the Beijing games to embrace communism?

Not quite:

Don't mess with feisty GIRLS ALOUD - as embarrassed singer ROBYN found out when she objected to them singing her No1 hit With Every Heartbeat at last week's V Festival.

The band have been belting out the song at gigs all summer, but after Robyn's complaint on Sunday they hit back by dropping it altogether. A source said: "It caused a bit of a hoo-ha so Girls Aloud scrapped it from their set."

Am I being a bit thick? If Robyn didn't want them to do the song, and they didn't, why would Robyn be embarrassed by that? Is the People suggesting that perhaps Robyn wanted Girls Aloud to only sing the chorus? "Oh, how embarrassing... I asked them to not sing my song... and they only went and didn't sing my song. Do I feel a chump..."

Who lives in a house like this?

Somebody at the People really should read the Daily Express more often, if only to keep up with house prices. The paper gets a bit excited at the news Sarah Harding has bought a house:

Girls Aloud star SARAH HARDING and boyfriend TOM CRANE have splashed out more than £1million on a country mansion.

Except, it's in Princes Risborough, which - being in south Buckinghamshire - suggests that if you're only spending a million, you're going to be buying a large-ish town house rather than a country mansion. In fact, a million will get you just four bedrooms - a nice house, but hardly a mansion.

Mind you, the People just seems to be typing in stuff it's read on Wikipedia, blithely repeating that:

Princes Risborough, Bucks - the setting for TV's Midsomer Murders and Inspector Morse.

Morse might have filmed there, but we're pretty certain it might have been set somewhere else, you know...

Miss Moss to Mrs Hince? Wince

The Sunday People claims that Jamie Hince has asked Kate Moss to marry him. Oh, and that she's going to say yes.

They know because "pals" say so. Well, that's good enough for us, then. We'll nip down to Debenhams and see if they've started a wedding registry.

More People than ever before

We're a little surprised that the Sunday People's VIP column has taken on a third writer - it's now produced by Alice Walker, Katie Hind and Emma Doonan. At this rate there's going to be more people writing the VIP column than actually read the Sunday People.

The quality of what they're producing also suggests this might be a few too many people. For example, there's this this totally made-up claim that Kylie and McCartney are going to record a single together:

M'N' M
By Alice Walker, Emma Donnan & Katie Hind

Kylie Minogue and SIR PAUL McCARTNEY are to record a single after the success of their duet on The Jools Holland Show.

A source said: "He says he trusts Kylie."

We're not entirely sure why Paul McCartney gets his name in capitals and Kylie doesn't - nor why Macca's knighthood is referenced when Kylie's OBE isn't. And how did it take three people to write that? Clearly not one doing fact-checking or anything like that.

Javine-Harvey-other one: round we go again

Now, we know that everyone pretends to not be interested in most items of celebrity gossip, but when it comes to the Javine-Harvey-Alesha love triangle, is there anyone at all in the world who is still interested really? Especially since for the last six months nothing new has happened and it's just a constant churning over of the same not-especially-fascinating breakdown.

Even as the Sunday People churns again this morning, it admits this is the third to-and-fro. When the paper stretches and yawns half way through the article, it's probably a sign the story should have been spiked.

Did you miss me while I was away?

There's a strange report in the Sunday People which claims that not only is Gary Glitter going to return to the UK soon, but taxpayers are going to have to protect him:

[U]nder European laws, the ageing baldie will be given round-the-clock police protection against revenge attacks, a free home and up to 12 minders to guarantee his safety.

Shockingly, UK taxpayers will have to foot the bill for Glitter's freeloading lifestyle, which experts reckon could run to more than £250,000.

Oh, really? So the figure comes from "experts"; they're working on an extrapolation from the European legislation which - rather than insisting on round-the-clock protection and a dozen minders - merely says, like all UK citizens, the government has a duty to protect him. That just means that the cops can't turn a blind eye if he's getting beaten up, not that he has to be treated like he's a Monet.

What's more, the paper even acknowledges that Glitter's return to the UK is going to be less 'free houses and minders', more a black maria and handcuffs:

He had served four-months of a seven-month stretch for downloading 4,000 appalling child pornography pictures from the internet.

But despite being ordered to live at his West Country home after his release in 2000, he did a runner to Cuba.

Oh, and there's the little manner of not signing the sex offender's register. The People concedes:

[H]e is almost certain to be automatically banged up for breaching his licence when he returns to Britain.

Of course, if the papers continue to suggest he's running up massive bills for taxpayers, and tacitly encourage vigilantism, then Glitter's safety will start to be threatened and there will be a need to protect him from the public purse. The People is effectively starting to bring about the situation it is supposedly raging against.

Inflated opinions

The now-defunct Sunday People's Visible Panty Line column VIP is claiming responsibility for Gary Barlow's body:

We can't help wondering if GARY BARLOW's super-svelte look is down to us.

The Take That star, 36, revealed his slim bod on BBC1's Friday Night With Jonathan Ross - after our recent mick-take. You look great, Gaz. But don't overdo it...

I wouldn't think it was anything to do with you. Nobody reads the Sunday People, much less builds their life around it.

Kate dumped Pete before he dies - People

There's a bemusing entry in the Sunday People's VIP column which, at the end of a week when the tabloids have been fighting it out over the causes of the Kate/Pete split, reckons it wasn't about jealousy at all:

The supermodel was shocked to find the Babyshambles star's will in a box.

Kate, 33, believes Pete, 28, wants a place in rock and roll history alongside ELVIS, JIM MORRISON, KURT COBAIN and JIMI HENDRIX, who all died young.

She has told pals she doesn't want to watch Pete die. One said: "Finding the will, which contains weird poems and requests, hit her like a thunderbolt."

It does sound like the over-inflated sense of self that Doherty has that he'd be thinking of himself in that sort of company, and it fits with what's looking more and more like a man who isn't quite as smart as we'd hoped he might have been to be in thrall to such a cliched and pompous rock myth. Perhaps, rather than fear of watching him die, Kate dumped him because she didn't want to watch him disappear into self-parody (any further)?

Tabloid round-up: Rav's possibly gone to Glastonbury

What makes Rav Singh the "hottest showbusiness reporter" in Britain? Perhaps its because only he could come up with stuff like this:

IT was fitting that the sun popped out to shine brightly on a LILY who was blooming brilliant.

Looking pretty in pink, she used her magic to lift the crowd from out of the mud and get them all dancing and Smiling to her super ska tunes.

That's an exclusive the others won't have, then. Lily Allen wore a pink top and played Glastonbury.

To be fair, he also has a picture of Pete Doherty riding a bike, asking "who would ride a bike in the mud", for all the world like a man who hasn't heard of mountain biking.

Zoe, in the Sunday Mirror, actually seems to have taken the trouble to go to the festival, or at least sent someone who has reported back. She does make the surprising claim that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are treating the weekend 'like a honeymoon' because, erm, they're sleeping in a teepee. And she claims to have spotted a bust-up between Pete and Kate:

KATE Moss had a public row with boyfriend Pete Doherty in the backstage VIP bar.

I saw her drag him out of the bar at midnight on Friday, telling him to behave or he'd look stupid.

She took his drink, threw it over the floor and stormed to their trailer.

Warning Doherty he'll look stupid is a little like trying warning people not to go to Glastonbury because they'll get muddy, isn't it?

And, in something that actually approaches being interesting, Zoe reports on what big prima donnas the Killers are:

THE Killers had a strict no-photography rule during their Glasto appearance.

Snappers were left fuming when they were asked to leave the photo-pit but the crowd didn't seem to mind in the slightest.

Unusual that - the crowd normally only turn out to see the photographers.

Zoe really has won the Sunday tabloid war this year - over at the People, Debbie Manley and Alice Walker are, like Rav, reduced to talking about the colour of Lily Allen's clothes to fill the space:

LILY Allen looked a bit blue as she wandered around Glastonbury in mud-stained pink wellies.

The glum singer, 22, wearing a bright blue coat, should have taken her own advice to Smile before her performance on the main stage.

Although, as even Rav managed to work out (by listening to what she said on stage) Lily was understandably a bit nervous about such a huge gig. Which might make anyone frown a little.