Tabloid round-up: Rav's possibly gone to Glastonbury

What makes Rav Singh the "hottest showbusiness reporter" in Britain? Perhaps its because only he could come up with stuff like this:

IT was fitting that the sun popped out to shine brightly on a LILY who was blooming brilliant.

Looking pretty in pink, she used her magic to lift the crowd from out of the mud and get them all dancing and Smiling to her super ska tunes.

That's an exclusive the others won't have, then. Lily Allen wore a pink top and played Glastonbury.

To be fair, he also has a picture of Pete Doherty riding a bike, asking "who would ride a bike in the mud", for all the world like a man who hasn't heard of mountain biking.

Zoe, in the Sunday Mirror, actually seems to have taken the trouble to go to the festival, or at least sent someone who has reported back. She does make the surprising claim that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are treating the weekend 'like a honeymoon' because, erm, they're sleeping in a teepee. And she claims to have spotted a bust-up between Pete and Kate:

KATE Moss had a public row with boyfriend Pete Doherty in the backstage VIP bar.

I saw her drag him out of the bar at midnight on Friday, telling him to behave or he'd look stupid.

She took his drink, threw it over the floor and stormed to their trailer.

Warning Doherty he'll look stupid is a little like trying warning people not to go to Glastonbury because they'll get muddy, isn't it?

And, in something that actually approaches being interesting, Zoe reports on what big prima donnas the Killers are:

THE Killers had a strict no-photography rule during their Glasto appearance.

Snappers were left fuming when they were asked to leave the photo-pit but the crowd didn't seem to mind in the slightest.

Unusual that - the crowd normally only turn out to see the photographers.

Zoe really has won the Sunday tabloid war this year - over at the People, Debbie Manley and Alice Walker are, like Rav, reduced to talking about the colour of Lily Allen's clothes to fill the space:

LILY Allen looked a bit blue as she wandered around Glastonbury in mud-stained pink wellies.

The glum singer, 22, wearing a bright blue coat, should have taken her own advice to Smile before her performance on the main stage.

Although, as even Rav managed to work out (by listening to what she said on stage) Lily was understandably a bit nervous about such a huge gig. Which might make anyone frown a little.

Who's shoring whom?

Curious rumours from the two-headed People showbiz column; they report that Madonna isn't sure if she should release the Justin Timberlake stuff she's recorded:

Mum-of-three Madonna, 48, went into the studio with Justin, 26, last month in a bid to get some R&B credibility.

A pal explained: "She wants to reinvent herself."

But he added: "She's got second thoughts because she's not sure the stuff she did with Justin is quite right for her new sound."

We love the idea that anyone, seeking an authentic street sound, would call up McDonalds spokesperson Justin Timberlake. Doubtless Maddie is pondering putting in a call to Lily Allen to get some genuine reggae sound onto the album as we speak.

It's now actually a good hour and a half after Chico time

Also from Manley & Walker's column today is a report - apparently phoned in by the man himself - that Chico is about to release some "serious" music which he believes will take him to number one.

Chico, for those of you who use your memories to store more important things, was the man shunned by half-wits for giving them a bad name when he appeared on one of the Cowell talent shows or other, milking his weak catchphrase ("It's Chico time") and fifteen minutes for all he was worth.

Mannish and Walker do snurkle in their piece that he's about to appear in a Butlins advert, but if Chico is a washed-up, self-deluded hasbeen, then, erm, why are they giving him space to promote his new record in their paper?

People who read the People are the unluckiest people of all

We're probably a trifle hard on Victoria Newton here most weekdays, perhaps giving the impression that she's by far and away the worst person filling a showbiz column in the UK at the moment. To be fair, she might be very, very bad indeed, but she's like Orwell compared to the People's Alice Walker and the aptly-named Debbie Manley. It takes two of them to come up with this sort thing, which passes for thoughts on a possible duet between Amy Winehouse and the Arctic Monkeys:

Our mole at last week's Ivor Novello awards in London said: "They even talked about songs and rehearsal dates." We say: 1. When The Sambuca Goes Down. 2. I Bet You Look Good At The Altar. 3. Mardy Beehive.

What they've done there is change some of the words in Arctic Monkeys songs.