Fuller swoops for EMI offcuts

There's a clutching of handkerchiefs to mouths at the news that Simon Fuller might buy the bits of EMI regulators are making Universal sell as the price of merger.

Fuller! Imagine! He did the S Clubs and game show pop stars! The very idea.

And, yes, the idea of an already rich and poweful man becoming a bit more rich and powerful is hard to celebrate.

But there's actually an upside, which does make the idea of Fuller rummaging in the EMI bins something we should welcome.

First of all, he's apparently thinking of buying all the bits - Mute, Parlophone, the 50% of Now Thats What I Call Music - the whole lot, rather than taking a couple of bits.

It'd actually be enough, surely, to count as a fairly considerable label in its own right; and still based firmly in the UK. Wasn't the loss of that something we were meant to mourn when EMI was sold off?

Also, whatever Simon Fuller's other faults, he is a pop music man. Isn't it better for Parlophone to be owned by the bloke who put together S Club 7 than Guy Hands and his Motorway Service Station business? Or, indeed, than Universal, a tiny part of a conglomerate that might have spun off its water business but still doesn't seem to moved on from pushing sewage about?

It would be lovely to think Parlophone could be turned into a worker's co-op, or Mute become a John Lewis style concern, but that's unlikely to happen. Also, can you imagine the meetings when Chris Martin started to pipe up?

So, the whole thing in the hands of a man who understands how to sell music? Could be worse.

And at least it's not Cowell.

Spice Girls get to that stage

I suppose it was only a matter of time - Judy Craymer, who invented the pro-celebrity karaoke which was Mamma Mia, and Simon Fuller, the cheap knee-high boot stamping on the face of humanity forever, are coming together:

A stage production based on the Spice Girls and their music is being created by Mamma Mia! producer Judy Craymer, Simon Fuller has announced.

This is the sort of work the devil makes for idle hands.

You can't fault the logic, as the Spice Girls audience starts to shade into that period of their lives when a night out sounds more attractive if they do the sitting down and someone else does the dancing.

"This is a fairly harmless, if pointless, piece of fluff we can charge people for," Fuller told the press conference.

"Sure. I mean, even if it only runs for five days, that'll be five times longer than I'm going to have to spend slapping a few pre-written tunes into a creaky dramatic framework," agreed Craymer. "I mean, it's not like I'm Ben Elton or anything."

Oh, alright. Here's what they actually signed-off in advance:

"What Judy has achieved with her all-conquering box office smash hit Mamma Mia! and what the Spice Girls created with their powerful record-breaking mix of girl power and hit songs, has influenced pop culture more than anyone can imagine," Fuller added.

Well, he's got a point. It's why so many people spend time sobbing and sobbing when they think about popular culture.

Seriously: if you were trying to sell yourself, would you really stand up and say "between us, we're responsible for Girls Can't Catch, JLS, Tonight I'm Yours: The Rod Stewart Musical and Soapstar Superstar"? It's an act of brave honesty on a par with when Miles out of This Life told everyone he'd caused the blackout in Flash Forward.

Craymer said she planned to "create a unique celebration of the band and its music, with its own flavour and joyful message".

She added: "It is important to me that the excitement, style and humour of the Spice Girls is well represented on stage."

Yes, that's very important. Very, very important. What would the musical be without capturing the spirit of Geri Halliwell hectoring Mel C into an eating disorder?

The UK government has said it is aware of the threat, but stresses as a matter of policy it does not negotiate with terrorists.

Perez Hilton and Simon Fuller come together to create something

Perez Hilton is trumpeting all over his website about big news. Sadly, this isn't that he's about the merge with Whizzer And Chips:

PEREZ HILTON AND RENOWNED DIRECTOR JAMIE KING JOIN FORCES WITH AMERICAN IDOL CREATOR AND SPICE GIRLS FOUNDER
SIMON FULLER TO ASSEMBLE:

The Boy Band for the Next Generation!

The next generation - we can see them from here - is looking a bit confused and saying that they hadn't really asked for a boyband, thanks, while this generation is saying that perhaps, if the next generation did want a boyband, couldn't they knock one up themselves, as it's not that difficult. It's like having a contest for the cheese sandwich for your flatmate.

Anyway, Hilton pads his part extensively:

As entertainment power players with tremendous influence over today’s music marketplace, Hilton, King and Fuller are determined to form the next great Boy Band!

I know modesty isn't Hilton's strong suit, but fancy writing a piece of puff about yourself that auto-felating. Even an Apprentice contestant might think that was overdoing it a bit.

Says Perez, "I am beyond thrilled and honored to be working with Jamie King and Simon Fuller, both legends. We are looking for the best, brightest and boldest! This is a boy band unlike any other before. ALL of the members will sing. ALL of the members will dance. Finding our talented group won't be easy, but the end result is going to be soooooooo worth it. I can hear the screaming girls already!"

A boyband like none other before, on the grounds that they'll all sing and dance. We're looking forward to the launch of Hilton's range of socks unlike any socks ever before, where both socks will be worn on the feet.

By the way, "I can hear the screaming girls already" is a direct translation of the phrase "how hard can it be to separate an eight year old from her dollar bills?"

Jamie King, he's involved, too:

"Now is the moment for the creation of a full-throttle, high-octane boy band! There's a huge opportunity for the next generation of performers to create spectacle, both musically and physically, with kick-ass dance moves, amazing voices and mind-blowing concert skills," says King.

How did King decide "now is the moment"? In the past, he would have had to sacrifice Jason Orange and inspect his entrails to tell if the time was auspicious, but nowadays they can do it with computers. Simply plug in the date you'd expect your main singer to check into drug rehab, and the software works out the back trajectory to the point where you'd have to start hanging round gyms.

Simon Fuller says, “I’m delighted to be working with Jamie and Perez. Boy bands have always been at the heart of pop culture with huge potential to excite a massive audience both here in the States and the rest of the world. With Jamie and Perez at the helm we have a real focus on what we are looking for. Together we will do everything to ensure that whoever is discovered becomes one of the most successful groups in recent years.”

Boy bands have always been at the heart of pop culture. If you assume that there was no popular culture prior to New Edition. Or The Monkees, at a stretch.

Fuller's quote seems honest, if puzzling. The other two are honking away about how they're looking for people who have all these astonishing talents - dancing asses, voices, the ability to carve likenesses of Michael Jackson out of butter - but, really, Fuller admits the success or otherwise depends not on how pretty the band is, or how well it sings. They're running a competition to find some flesh to push into an already-constructed marketing plan.

The plates are warming, the table laid, the ketchup and pickled eggs are already open. There's going to be a fish supper - who really cares if it turns out to be a piece of coley or a bit of haddock that gets picked up from the chip shop? It's only going to be battered, consumed and then shat out the next day.

Gordon in the morning: Love you til Luton

Virginia Wheeler is still Gordon's closest-thing-to-a-writer in Malawi, and is still shovelling out Madonna-camp-pleasing coverage:

The boss of Mercy’s orphanage, the Kondanani Children’s Home, said the youngster “could not understand where her new family had gone”.

Annie Chikhwaza said: “It’s devastating for Mercy. She had bonded with her new family and was calling for Madonna, saying, ‘Where is my Mummy?’

“She couldn’t understand where Lola, David and Rocco had gone — she thought they were playing hide and seek. It broke my heart to see her crying out for David as they’d become inseparable."

Virginia doesn't see this as being a good example of why you shouldn't make promises to children until you're bloody certain you can make good on them. She doesn't suggest that the whole thing suggests that the orphanage has been placing Madonna's needs ahead of those of Mercy. She doesn't think to question Chikhwaza's odd claims - why would Mercy think the other kids were "playing hide and seek"? It's not like they were living at the orphanage, is it? Wouldn't Mercy just assume they'd gone back to their nicer place to live? Isn't this sort of statement more about trying to manipulate press coverage and court decisions rather than telling the truth?

Although Mercy does have a good point: where is Madonna?

Madonna, 50, flew to Britain with kids Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and adopted three-year-old David Banda, greeted at Luton Airport by Madge’s ex-hubby GUY RITCHIE.

But the devastated singer cut a forlorn figure as she stepped alone from the private plane.

Given that one of the reasons she was turned down as an adoptor was a lack of time spent in the country, and if she was really that devastated, why was she in Luton? If we take Wheeler's reportage at face value, what we seem to have is a desperately upset child, and a woman who claims to care about that child puts thousands of miles between them.

Normally, Gordon's work on Simon Fuller and Simon Cowell being up for the same award would not detain us, but connosieurs of bad photoshop will enjoy the terrible, terrible boxing-mock-up-artwork.

Now that's a barely-thought out idea

Simon Fuller is trying to turn Now That's What I Call Music into a TV show, reports Billboard. How do you turn 'some recent hit records' into a TV show, exactly? Sure, you could just play some recent hit records, but that's not quite a format, is it?

"The TV show is designed to take the brand 'Now' and bring it to a broader level," says Bob Mercer, CEO of Now That's What I Call Music, a partnership involving Sony Music Entertainment, Universal Music Group and EMI Music. (Warner Music Group has a competing product called "Only Hits.")

"A lot of people are buying 'Now' as their guide to what is happening in the music world over the last few months," Mercer says. "The intent is to take that brand and that trust in that brand and establish it as a TV show with the same elements."

Bob, mate: if you think people buy Now albums as a "guide to what's happening" - rather than as a cheap way of hoovering up a lot of hits they already know they like - you might want to step down from developing a programme based on the brand.

That, he suggests, could mean featuring performances by artists from the compilations, whether through concert footage or in-studio appearances. "We'll probably form our own pop chart so the public can be involved," Mercer adds.

Ah, yes. It'd be a great idea to make a pop chart of your own - where the public can show what music they like - rather than, erm, using an existing pop chart which shows what music the public likes.

Another element of the show would involve appearances by such veteran acts as the Rolling Stones or Madonna, possibly through interviews, performance footage or in-studio appearances, he says.

Oh yes. Interviews with the Rolling Stones. That would be exactly what someone whose defining musical purchase is to buy a compilation of recent chart hits would want to watch on television. "Wow, hearing some crumbly old dude talking about playing songs before my parents were born really captures the spirit of getting an album with Britney Spears and Lady GaGa hits on it."

Having spent some time stressing that - although coming from the American Idol stable, this programme would be in no way like American Idol at all, Bob then reveals his master stroke:

The program's final aspect would involve finding the next "Now" artists, Mercer says: "That would be new up-and-coming talent that's either already signed or just as likely not already signed."

And how would you find these bands - by having a team of experts go out and listen to groups and singers in clubs and bars? Or... and here's a guess... would this be some sort of interactive strap on?

The show's Web site will play a critical role in its development, Mercer says, adding that a section of it will be devoted to videos that people upload of themselves trying out for the show.

Ah. So, that's creaky old acts being interviewed, people you've never heard of doing songs you don't know - it's almost as if you'd taken the simple 'chart music with all the dull stuff edited out' format of Now and deliberately tried to create a TV show that was the polar opposite.

Simon Fuller, though, has one final pitch to throw onto the table:

"'Now' is a good, existing example of the music industry working together," Fuller says. "This show will unite the whole music industry and give it one voice."

So, let's just examine that: The music industry is united in working on the Now records. And yet, somehow, they're not united, because they need a television show to do that. That makes... some sort of sense. Probably.

It's a touching idea, though, that the music industry needs to be united. Who knows, if this is a success, perhaps this previously dissolute business sector might think about forming some sort of permanent representative organisation to act as an umbrella group for their interests. Let's just hope if that happens they don't go insane with the power and start trying to sue their own customers or anything.

Gordon in the morning: Faustian pacts and angry lesbians

Perhaps its Euro 2008 or something, but today, again, the actually-kind-of-interesting story which leads Bizarre in the Sun has been pushed down the page of the online edition to make space for a bunch of stories about footballers - or, more accurately, photos of people who have sex with footballers wearing bikinis. Or, in the case of Wayne Rooney, a photoshopped image of what he'd look like in a mankini for a joke, like:

WAYNE ROONEY’s pals plan to make him wear a MANKINI as a stag party stunt.

The group think it will be the “right kind of gag” after fianceé COLEEN MCLOUGHLIN banned them from more saucy fun and games.

They will squeeze the Manchester United star into a £9.95 copy from cult comedy Borat at their villa in Ibiza.

Yes, if I'd not wanted sex-games, I'd be relieved that all his male friends are going to do is strip all his clothes off and then squeeze his cock and balls into a tight little swimsuit.

Incidentally, in what way was Borat a cult comedy? The comedy is debatable, but a movie which took getting on for three hundred million dollars at the cinema is hardly a cult, is it?

Still, while Gordon on the web is padded out with this sort of lame fare, the newspaper versions chooses to lead with the more obviously headline worthy regrets of Nick Godwyn. Who he? He's the bloke who signed up Amy Winehouse to Simon Fuller's management company in the first place:

“What is happening now is not very pleasant for anybody to watch. I feel she seems to be sad.

“People talk about wasted talent, but I don’t look at it like that. If Amy never made another record again it would be sad, but it’s less about the music for me and more about ‘this is a human being that maybe isn’t very happy’.”

On the other hand, had she not had such a high profile, she might have easily still developed a crack habit unsurrounded by those with an emotional or financial interest in trying to keep her alive. A lot of people don't even have massive talent to wager on the outcome of their addictions.

The story on Gordon's page is a little undermined, though, by halfway through deciding it's going to be about Stevie Wonder instead.

Finally, given that Kate Moss has happily done more photoshoots naked than with clothes on, why on earth is Smart so excited at getting a photo where you can almost make out her nipples through her top?

Mel C: Thanks, but no thanks

Interesting little detail from the small print on the new Spice Girls album: Mel C, alone, hasn't thanked Simon Fuller. Victoria Newton interprets this as "churlishness".

Meanwhile, Victoria Poshspice has been talking about the dance routines:

“We’re including some old ones but bringing them up to date a bit.”

"Up to date" meaning, we suspect, they've been redrafted to reflect the band's slightly older, sometimes artificially-altered bodies.

Spice Girls' people block tribute show

VH1 had a nifty idea to celebrate - if celebrate is the word - the return of the Spice Girls: a talent show to put together a five-piece tribute act. Trouble is, the Spice Girl bunker got wind of it, sent a few threatening letters and now it isn't going to happen.

Presumably taking a bunch of showbiz wannabes, finding five who fitted a pre-cut "personality-style" template and could sing a bit, and putting them on stage wasn't just trading on the Spice Girls' brand; it was exactly how the Spice Girls were made in the first place. We imagine Fuller was worried VH1 would have ended up with a tribute which outclassed the original.

Victorian values

Ah, the sweet joy of family-friendly entertainment: American Idol, giving young folks a chance at stardom, then setting them on a live show circuit where child labour laws might be seen as something of an encumbrance.

Nineteen Touring LLC has just been fined for 16 violations of child labor laws in New York State. The company allowed 17 year-olds Jordin Sparks and Sanjaya Malakar appear in the show without bothering themselves getting proper permits.

[Thanks to James p]

Is there nobody immune to blandishments of the gossip columns?

She might have let us all down by agreeing to kick off the whole circus, but judging by the 3AM Girls decision not to bother with the faux-flattery, Mel C is remaining awkward as ever. Indeed, today's story suggests that Mel C is going to receive all the hatred that would usually be smeared all over the women:

It was allegedly Mel C's turn to be scary after she was told by manager Simon Fuller to take singing lessons.

All the band were reportedly ordered to have voice training before their reunion tour but Mel stormed: "I don't need lessons. I can sing, thank you very much."

Really, Mel, do you need this? It says everything about how Fuller knows the prices of tickets, but the value of nothing. Why would you tell the only one of them who can actually sing that she needs lessons? Couldn't be an attempt to try and hammer down the reluctant member, could it?

Spiceconomics

We'd wondered how the figures on the announced Spice Girls tour were going to stack up. Now it's slightly clearer - having got them to sign up, according to the Mirror, Simon Fuller is pushing them to double the number of dates. That'll be where the profit was in the business plan, then.

Thanks a bunch, Mel C

Now that Melanie C has been more or less bounced into giving Halliwell and Brown something to do, we're in for lots of this sort of thing - apparently, Simon Fuller has issued the Spice Girls with a list of dos and don'ts ahead of the reunion:

Do not talk about money that you will potentially earn from the reunion.

Talk about memories of the Spice Girls with affection and pride.

Do not get into spats between yourselves over plans and decisions – is it worth it?

Respect each other’s personal lives and commitments.

Respect each other’s views.

Raise any queries with Nicki (Chapman) and myself at the scheduled meeting.

Do not confirm or deny any rumours until everything is in place.

Do not worry about schedules and time — this will all be arranged with everyone in mind.

Do not become pregnant –please!

It sounds slightly less like a fun trip down memory lane, more like one last mission, doesn't it?

Still, I suppose Fuller did at least say please as he regained dominion over the women's uteri.

Beckhams rage at faux-Beckhams

We're not entirely sure how Sky One had managed to make a documentary "fooling" people in LA with Beckham lookalikes - does anyone in America now what the real things look like well enough for it take lookalikes to fool them?

The Beckhams are annoyed, too:

Their manager Simon Fuller says the documentary, which follows ringers Andy Harmer and Camilla Shadbolt as they trick shop staff into giving them free gifts and con a garage owner into letting them test drive a Lamborghini, could be detrimental to the Beckham brand.

Because it portrays them as gormless freeloaders? Or because it might be confusing if people think there's four of them?

Victoria's big adventure: Deal or no deal

While we'd love to believe that there's really ten million dollars sitting in an NBC account with Victoria Beckham's name on it, we're a little unsure as to the exact status of the Victoria Beckham NBC reality project.

The Daily Mail reckons it's a done deal; Simon Fuller is enthusing:

"The Americans were falling over themselves to sign Victoria up for a TV show but we had to choose the right deal for her," Fuller was quoted as saying in a British paper. "NBC won out in the end as they have really taken a shine to Vic's hilarious sense of humour and they want to capitalise on this."

Perhaps Fuller is confusing "meeting with Beckham at NBC" with that episode of Seinfeld where they pitch the butler idea.

Notably, NBC seem cool:

An NBC spokesperson declined to comment on any pending deal.

And, when pushed, even Mrs Beckham's people were a little less enthused:

Beckham's spokeswoman said that the precise details of the series were still to be finalised, and gave no timescale for transmission.

A half-idea the network don't even want to admit to and no idea when it'll go out, fronted by someone the Americans barely know. We can see Posh hobbling down to the bank already with all those millions.

Fame costs - and right here is where you start paying

...and if you could make the cheques payable to S. Fuller. Yes, the latest extension to the Pop/American Idol brand is heavy on the exploitation: American Idol camp.

For just $2090, 700 "lucky" children can be pushed by their showbiz parents into a "non-competitive" (yeah, right) boot camp for aspiring Clay Aiken and Will Youngs. By which we mean wannabe singers, of course. Organisers of the camp stress that nobody is going to be sent home in tears:

"As in American Idol, the goal for our kids is to soar beyond their expectations," Fremantle executive VP Keith Hindle said. (Or at least soar beyond a first-round embarrassment next time Idol comes to their hometown.)

"However; because Idol Camp is not a competition, every kid goes home a winner," Hindle added.

The real winners, of course, are Freemantle and 19 Entertainment, pocketing a million and a half bucks in return for providing a couple of karaoke CDs and some sheds to sleep in.

By the end of the summer, kids will be pleading to be let to go to Kamp Krusty.

Jacko calls in career support

We're starting to think that Michael Jackson has already remade his career, and rather than returning to music, his new job is popping up talking to rich people all over the place.

He's now allowed himself to be spotted taking lunch with Simon Fuller, setting a tongue-clack that Fuller is going to bring Jackson back to the top.

After all, if Fuller could make a success out of such difficult cases as Victoria Beckham solo, the movie from Justin To Kelly, S Club 8 meets Kids From Fame series I Dream, and the 21st Century Girls, how could he fail with a one-man circus widely perceived to have got up to funny business with young kids, whose creative peak was getting on for three decades ago?

Unless Fuller has connections to Ripleys Believe It Or Not.